| Kazaa guru |
[15 Nov 2002|01:50am] |
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Rancid - Time Bomb |
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im such a dork.
i think ive done it again. David... look what you did to me.
no, no, no.. thats not fair. i did it to myself.
i see the trap. i smell the bait. then i walk right into it. people stopped hurting me a long time ago, i just hurt myself.
maybe im just confused. maybe ive just never met someone so.... complex. he says im his. but i feel like im not. im just one of his toys. when he goets bored he bulls me out of the box and plays with me. then puts me away for another time. "next best thing".. doesnt even describe it. its a feeling... i cant even describe. its... its... its that emptiness. that totaly contradictory/redundant poem i wrote. someone should break it down and analyze it. it really quite simple. but no one cares.
"Lonely like a swingset at night" ?
i wrote that line in a poem once. it got stolen... by a friend so now i copywrite it. doesnt do much good but at least its mine. but i dont know if i want it anymore.
when i was little i loved parks. i had to. my dad would go to work on a saturday, or a day my mom was at work and they couldnt get a babysitter.. he would go to work and drop me off at a park down the street. they were so full of kids. inta-friend.
then, about a year ago, one night i had a fight with my mom. i walked to the city park and sat on a swing. i wanted someone there to talk to. to push me. i wanted one of those insta-friends. but i looked around and there was no one. it was so empty. so lonely.
i want it back. ill still use that line. its a metaphor.. or whatever.. for my life.
take away all the noisey kids, and all the insta-friends. take away the fake friends and the people who dont give a shit about you, and your left with nothing. no one to push the swing, no one to restle with. and you parents are too busy with work to worry about you and whats going on in your life. no one.
i dont get to see Mrs. Parks anymore. she was a cool person. the only person who could almost make sense of me. i was so excited the other day. she almost figured me out. of course i have me figured out.. but she almost figured me out.she wouldve been ther first. she was so close, yet so far. she was my counselor/therapist/shrink. she helped me when i get totally depressed like this.
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| Friends |
[15 Nov 2002|01:56am] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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Newfound Glory - My friends over you |
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i guess since theyre all gone, i should let them know what they meant to me.. or at least say a goodbye.
- Braxton. i miss you. i hope hes doing well. you were, are, and always will be my bestest friend. you always knew what to do to cheer me up. "BrickNinja Jackson" you were awsome. you always made sense things for me. i need your wisdom. i hope the people of California are treating you well.
- Pam. at times it felt like you werent even there. at times you were the only one there. i was just too blind to realize it. and now your married and moved away. you said you wouldnt dissapear but you did. ill mis you. i do already. but you did stab me in the back... and that hurts still.
- Rosey. i dunno. i miss you. but i dont. i never knew if we were really friends or just aquaintinces trying to live up to whatever we thought the other would think of us. thats not clear... i dunno if you acted like a friend only cause you thought i thought you were my friend. or the other way around. but in my mind we were friends. but you were always smarter than me. you were always happy and i wanted to be that way. sometimes you were a little too crazy for me, but i always wanted to be as happy as you were, or seemed to be. i hope your doing well.
- Erin. your here now. and i know i dont take advantage of that like i should. a lots just been going on in my life as you know. i know i should tell people whats going on in my life but i dont. i like to keep it to myself. its just how i am. others shouldnt be bothered by me and my pathetic excuse for a life. but thank you for being the friend i dont deserve.and i truly am sorry but i wont be going to ricks during the winter. but it doesnt mean i cant come up and visit.
- Terri. we've been friends since kindergarten. that was 14 years ago. i miss you too. youre clear out in the middle of nowhere halfway across the country. i hope your having fun tho. i dont think ive ever said thank you for being my friend. and thanx for letting me live with you for a bit. and im sorry for being a pain in the ass if i was. i hope i get to see you when you come home for christmas.
- Tracy. where are you?
- Quinten. you were awsome. and thanks for always looking out for me and caring. you were like the big brother i never had but always wanted. thank you. hope your not freezing in Russia.
- David. You'll never read this. But, Thank You. You gave me strength, self-confidence, and the gift for better seeing people as they are. Second handers. And you helped me rise above them. For that I am ever grateful. You broke me. You used me. You trained me. You made me want more and acheive more. I loved you. I even miss you. But even tho you hate the idea of holding onto memories... I still remember your voice, and the way you called me Princess. I was your princess. But your right. it is time to move on and grow up. Maybe someday I'll see you again and you'll see me and be proud. You gave me the one thing no one will give me. You cared. You hate the world, yet you cared about me. I hope your still praying to Lucifer. I had another dream. My first one came true, maybe this one will come true too.
Everyone else hasnt left me yet and deserves no epitaph yet.
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