Creating dreams before my eyes
| 11.58am 09.04.2005 |
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So.... New journal Located here (livejournal). Ill up date here every now and then... but no guaranties. --------------------- For a mini update: Had my baby. Still live in SLC Still have a shitty job. |
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| 1 Opened my eyes - Guide Me | ||||
hungrynotes.... |
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| 11.52pm 17.09.2004 |
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Try to stay alive, until I hear your voice. depressing i know. I think out of all my siblings i get along with Jay and Jill the best... maybe Jay more since we talk more and have more in comon. Hes got probs with his friend tho. I feel bad and hope things go well for him. geez its been forever since i updated this thing. Breifly: had Riley, moved, started playing World of Warcraft way too much, started working again yesterday and got to see a movie for the first time in 2 months the other night which was nice (considering i used to see at least 1 a week .. and tonz of rentals) Zaks gonna be home soon tho. I dont have many friends... i doubt anyone reads this anyway... but i will write more later, even if only for my benefit... i mean - this is a JOURNAL right? |
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| Guide Me | |||
| 09.58am 02.07.2004 |
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So i moved in with Zaks parents to save on money since i cant get paid maternity leave when i have the baby. It is weird, cause 1. Its not my family 2. I feel weird/uncomfortable around them. 3. I missed [living] Zak Shortly after I moved out the landlord decided he could get more money if he rented the house out to a family instead of renting out the single rooms so he gave everyone a 30 day notice to get out. Well its hard to find a place for $200-$250/mo. in 30 days. So Zaks parents agreed to let him live here (their house) for a month or so. We're just not in the same room (not married). I feel bad - hes not even in a room at all. Hes in the basement/playroom area... it can get really noisy, which makes it hard to sleep the hours he sleeps, and thers not a lot of privacy either. I havent been able to sleep lately. Its proably mostly cause im preg and its hard to get comfortable... but i think its also cause its hard to sleep alone; now its even harder knowing that hes just down the hall. *sigh* The other night was nice tho. I watched Meet Joe Black. I never really had a desire to watch it cause i was told it was a mafia, shoot them up, boring movie - Boy were they wrong. It was a good movie. I actually ended up really liking it. I really liked some of the answers people gave Death when he asked about love and what it was. They were like the perfect descriptions ive been looking for. I went to bed at about 4am (long movie). I was having a nice dream... something about Zak, but i cant remember what, I just remember it was a nice dream. But there was a part i wasnt sure if it was a dream or real. ~ I was laying down, late at night in my bed. I didnt hear the door open, but i felt Zak climb into bed and snuggle up with me. He gave me a few kisses and said g'night, I dont remember if i said anything or did anything but he cuddled a little more and left. ~ I was able to sleep really well after that till i had to get up for work. Then throughout the whole morning i just felt really nice, like comforted or something and all i could think about was what happened or what i had dreampt. When Zak woke up and came in to say goodbye i asked if he came in my room last night and he said yeah - to say goodnight. It just made me really happy. I want to say touched... that he would do something like that. I dunno why he came in, maybe he just wanted to say g'night, and didnt think much of it... but it meant a lot to me. |
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| Guide Me | |||
| 10.54am 12.06.2004 |
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A month and a half. A month and a half till my life is totaly devoted to a little child. I dont know if im even ready or if i even can. I can put on a good face, I can show my excitement and pretend everythings ok... But im scared. I have little sources for support - my parents, his parents, and Zak - and even then i dont feel the support they try and offer. I have so many doubts. In myself, and in Zak. Its a new experience, a new responsibility that im not sure im ready for or even want. I never got morning sickness, and I dont feel preg now, but then I'll wake up when he's really active at night and feel him kick and move - makes me realize that theres someone in there. Its a real thing, a real person inside me that pretty soon is going to be totaly dependant on me. I cant even take care of myself, how am i supposed to take care of this little life? Theres no guarantee with Zak, he could leave anyday he wants, or just stop coming and helping raise his child. I already feel like im on my own. I never thought or planned on having a kid when I was 21, and I sure as hell thought i would be married first - have an established family first. But there is no family. Its just us - two people who arent married trying to get by in life, the simplest, cheepest way we can, with everyone telling me it wont work out the way I want it to. I know He doesnt want me - no one ever has, and never will. I proably make his life miserable every day, a little more at a time. Ever since i moved in with his parents (to save on money) they never fail to remind me that Zak only cares about himself, does what he wants and whatever he thinks is best for him reguardless of the consequences it might have on others - just as long as it suits him and hes happy. I can see that, and the things hes done to prove that they're right. But I can also see the Zak Ive always seen - The person he is now mixed with the one he could be... but maybe Im just kidding myself and he'll never change - He'll never be the person he says he wants to be... the person he could be. Ive lied to myself in the past, made myself belive things to my benefit... just make me happy or comfortable... maybe I'm just lying to myself now, and He'll always be the same person. And if raising a child doesnt work out for him or gets too hard he'll just stop and leave just like they say. Its just hard for me to be happy lately. When i stop and think about it and look at everything as a whole it just makes me realize how shitty my life really is and is about to become. It gets me really depressed and i just cant shake it. Its like a wake up call to reality instead of the fake life ive built around myself to keep me happy. Im just miserable and no one really cares. They shouldnt... its not their fault. I know Zak doesnt care either. Why should he - He has a shitty life too... i make his life horrible for him. At least he has his cure for everything - masturbation - to turn to. I have nothing. I had him, till i realized I just make his life miserable as well. I just... *shrugs with a sigh* I just want everything to go away. I cant remember the last time i was really, truely happy. I buy things that i remember made me happy when i was little but they dont work now. I dont want to be preg or have a kid. I dont want to be living here, or working where i work. I dont want to look I do, or be the way i am. I just wanna wake up with a whole new life, new friends, new surroundings, new everything. Then maybe everything would be ok. ---- Zak told me he wanted to be alone today. A year or a few months ago it wouldnt bother me but now theres this huge trust issue I have with him, where basically i dont know if i do trust him anymore. Hes messed up one too many times, and he knows he has, he admited knew he was messing up while he was doing what he was doing but that didnt stop him. It mostly just bothered me today because I just wanted to do something with him. Like 'Actually' do something. He had this whole week off and we havent done anything - like go somewhere or do something. He/we just stayed home. He played computer games. "Organized" his porn and watched Buffy. Even on days/nights when we do go out and do something its always that we go out and watch a movie. We dont go play pool or go bowling or something, just to the movies and back home. Dunno why we dont. I used to just go to Ozz and play pool with my friends all the time, or go bowling - dunno why Zak and i dont go. It sounds stupid but i was looking forward all week to seeing a stupid movie that come out yesterday but we never saw it. Zak kept watching Buffy with Chad saying "we'll see the one in a few hours from now" then when we actually left and got to the theatre it was sold out. Today - is the last day of Art City Days, which really doesnt mean much except that the carnival is in Springville and tonight is the last night it will be there. I thought it would be fun to go, and then maybe see the movie afterward... But Zak declares he wants his Alone time today to do who knows what. Sure he could just be planning on screwing up again, providing more proof to not trust him, or he could just be playing video games - either way thats not what was bothering me when he told me not to come over till 9pm. I was just this whole fact that deep down i still wanted to see that stupid movie with him today, and i wanted to actually go out and do something with him on his last day off. But no. I have to sit here by myself and not do anything. I just get depressed/dissapointed when stuff like this happens because its all i was thinking about doing, and i get all excited and planning for it... and then it doesnt happen - its like a total let down. Doesnt matter i guess, and maybe im just being selfish in my last month or so of actually being able to do anything.. with anyone... without having to worry about a babysitter or how the babys doing or if i have enough money to do this and still buy diapers in the morning for the baby... *shrug* |
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| 2 Opened my eyes - Guide Me | |||
Thought of the day. |
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| 09.31am 23.05.2004 |
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| Guide Me | |||
| 11.19am 15.05.2004 |
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I'm kinda worried about Zaks future of working here at Ikano. Some fishy stuff has happened lately, well for a while, but more often now that i dont work nights. It seems like almost none of the Supervisors here like him. I didnt think Brian or Doug had probs with him - i thought they were the only two that Zak was ok with, but after the other day i assume that somethings going on with Doug and as we learned in the past with Noah - just having one Sup on your side isnt good enough. So if Zak is down to just Brian, he could be in trouble. Of course Zak hopefully will be working somewhere else soon, but until then, he really needs to keep this job. On Thrus he got sent to break, like normal. So he gets up and walks around - theres nothing wrong with that but Doug told him to get off the call floor, like go outside or something. Zak thinks nothing of this and goes out to his car and listens to some music. Towards the end of his break Doug comes out, walks up to his car and says "did you drop your wallet while you were at my desk earlier?" Zak thinks and says no - he was never at Dougs desk that day. Doug asks "are you sure?" Zak replies with "yeah... why?" and Doug hands him his wallet and says that it was sitting on his desk so he thought Zak mightve dropped or left it. Zak knows for a fact that he was never at or near Dougs desk all night - cause he really has no reason to go over there. So now this starts to get a little fishy. A few minutes after coming back in, Pete, who was sitting next to Zak, leans over and says to Zak that some kid just ran up and took Zaks wallet off his desk when he went outside. This is questionable because One: this is a small call-center. Everyone knows everyone. So why would he say "some kid" took it instead of identify who took it. Two: After he made the 'kid' comment he asked if he got it back from Doug. How did he know Doug had it? If the 'kid' was caught, then how come Doug didnt say so-and-so took and now im returning it - or something to that effect. Now lets say it did mysteriously show up on Dougs desk. The policy here for anything found, is to give it to a Sup. If a Sup finds it or when the Sup gets it he send an email saying 'this object' was turned into me, if you think its yours come claim it. Theyre not allowed to open it or go through it. Lets say i lost my wallet. Some how a sup gets and and then sends the email. I go to the sup to get the wallet - he'd have me describe it to him. Not whats in it but the wallet its self. If theres still a question as to if its mine then both of us just open it, not look through it. If theres something identifiying i as mine, or if i can describe something thats in it before its opened then we know its mine. They cant open it unless theres someone else there, so you can keep each other in check - basically so nothings stolen. So knowing this - I have to wonder, and im sure Zak wondered too for a while - how did Doug know that it was his wallet. Its just a plain black wallet. Nothing special, no markings or names or something that would make it known who the owner was just by looking at it. Doug would've had to have opened it to see that it was Zaks. And if he did open it then he did something wrong. Why did he open it instead of send the email? *shrug*... So anyway, Zaks sitting there taking and waiting for calls when he can suddenly hear Doug taking to someone (we're all separated by cubicles. Not a lot of privacy for loud voices). All Zak heard was Doug saying "...yeah i looked through his wallet and there was no money..." Why would Doug say that? And who elses wallet 'suddenly' showed up on his desk that night? So now Zak knows that Doug looked through his wallet. It didnt fall on the floor or open on accident. He intentionally looked through and apparently it was for money. So it seems that this whole "go outside" thing was the start of an orchastrated plan to get Zaks wallet. If someone lost their money and they thought Zak took it, this was the wrong way to go about seeing if Zak had it. If they were really just looking for money - thats just wrong also. And then to top it off - Doug monitored one of Zaks calls later that night - and Failed him for "chatting". Doug never fails anyone - especially for chatting. He'll send them a message and remind them not to chat while on a call... but he never fails them, yet he failed Zak And Zak is almost positive he wasnt chatting because the people he usually chats with while hes at work werent on (like me) so unless it was something like someone at work asking him a question... he wasnt chatting. Just seems like Zaks not well liked by Doug, who is his Sup. I think it would be better if they would switch Zak back to Brians team. But either way, things could start to get a lot worse... and thats what i worry about. We cannot afford to losse our jobs. Especailly Zak. |
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| Guide Me | |||
| 10.11am 07.05.2004 |
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Im all screwed up today. I woke up knowing it was friday, and just to confirm that it actually was friday I had to wait about 5 mins in the driveway cause the stupid garbage truck was blocking me in, and Margret Ruth the love psychic was on x96 - but now im sitting at work and it just feels like Saturday. Maybe its the fact that traffic really wasnt too bad. Usually on Fridays its really bad and takes 30 mins to get to work but i got here in about 15 mins. Or maybe its just cause work is slow today like it usually is on Saturdays and Sundays. But im now thinking in Saturday mode no matter how hard i try not to. *shrug* Im thinking of applying to be a team lead for Brad - my sup. No one has applied yet, and i think i have a good shot... except for all my tardies. But it would be a better position which is always good. Brad seems to be encouraging me too so maybe i will. I just wonder what would happen when i have my baby in 3 months ... 3 Months. Holy crap... where did all that time go? Its actually more like 2 1/2 months now - 10 wks. Im actually excited. We think we have the name picked out, we're just seeing what peoples reaction to it is, cause it is a little different. |
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| Guide Me | |||
| 09.53am 06.05.2004 |
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I wonder if I could afford another day off work? Its not like i really need one. Im not sick or short on sleep or have some family vacation ... im just sick of dealing with the same morons everyday. The same morons who call and listen to the recordings that clearly states that we are not Net Zero - but then insist that we are just because they dialed 800-net-zero. Or the same stupid people who call to sign up for internet service but have no clue what the computer is or how to use it - even when they're given very specific details/help/instructions. Seriously - i spent 15 mins helping someone find and click on the Start button. When I asked him to click on start the first thing he said "Oh you mean on the phone?" Is there even a button on the phone that says start? I dont know... i dont know what he was thinking... I just know im sick of dealing with him and people just like him on a daily basis. Im not saying im a God(ess) among these people and I deserve better... I just think I deserve a break. I actually proably do 'deserve' better... but its hard these days to get a better job. *sigh* |
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| Guide Me | |||
| 12.35pm 27.04.2004 |
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Saw the Punisher today... it was ok. Alot different from what i thought it would be. I heard it was cool and that it sucked... my own opinion was that it wasnt too bad. I'd proably watch it once or twice more when it comes out of dvd or something. Today started out ok. In fact it was a great day till about 9... I really hate this depression and its worse now cause im preg so my hormones are out of wack. Im only writtin in this thing tonight, because i cant do anything else. Chuck whines that the tv is too loud and he cant sleep (hes in the room under ours) ... the volume was at 3 - i couldnt even hear it. Zak is busy playing the Beta for World of Warcraft and complains when i play games on my computer cause the sound is "annoying"... and i dont like playing without the sound cause its not as fun. Tried talking to Zak and watching him play instead but he was just yelling the whole time and saying my questions were non-specific and stupid... i know he was just upset cause he kept dying and was frustrated, but still... So now im bored. my mom owont talk to me... just like the rest of my family... and ive got nothing to do.. i feel like crying, but theres really no reason. I need to start writting again. Like really writting. Stories and what not. |
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| Guide Me | |||
| 10.35pm 23.04.2004 |
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Zak stayed home today, he called in "sick" since he hadnt slept in about 24 hrs. So when i got home, we layed down and took a little nap together which ws nice. We got up about 7:30 and went to the Old Spagetti Factory. Theyve changed their menus... or maybe the one in Orem is just better *shrug* It was nice to get to spend some time with him tho. I was gonna take him to see the Punisher, but going to see a movie on a friday night isnt the smartest idea.. too busy and crowded to enjoy the movie. ANyway... |
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