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Tuesday, July 29th, 2003

    Time Event
    12:00a
    There was something in the air that night
    When I was a little girl, I was terrified of thunder storms. The flash of lightning, the sound of the thunder as it came closer. I would cry until my mother came to me and held me in her arms. She would convince me that it wasn't the end of the world, and that everything would be okay. Then we'd count the time between the lightning's flash and the sound of the thunder to see how far away the storm was. Soon it would be right there, right over our home and our heads. I would be frightened, but she never was, so I didn't cry and waited. The storm would move right past us, as quickly as it had come, and then it would be all over, and we would be safe once again. We survived every time, just like my mother said we would.

    I heard thunder tonight and it brought me back to those days, when a storm was the greatest problem in my life. The distant rumble scared me at first, especially when it came closer, but I thought of what my mother would tell me. And I thought of how ridiculous it would seem if when I have a kid, I act like I'm afraid of a harmless storm. I moved out of my mother's house again last week, after spending some time with her there. She babied me, which was nice at first, but I have to get through things on my own. Like thunder storms. And watching medical shows about babies being born with complications and problems, and seeing their parents cry. And suddenly finding myself crying along with them..

    I've been going to the doctors every few weeks because he was worried something might happen or.. go wrong, I guess, since I had been sick earlier in the pregnancy. He seems to think everything will go well from now on, so I don't have to keep going as often, which.. is a relief. It scared me to go every time before, especially since I had always gone alone. A few people had offered to go with me before, but it didn't feel right, so I just went solo. But James went with me this time..

    The doctor asked if we wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl when he did the ultrasound thing. We said no, even though I'm getting more and more curious. Plus being asked by everyone and their mother if it's going to be a boy or a girl is getting a bit annoying. But still, it will be.. more special, I guess, if it's a surprise. Either way, we seem to have decided on a name..

    Layla/Wheeler )


    Things are changing again. I can feel it. The situation has already shifted significantly in the past week alone. I'm not sure what to make of it right now. But I'm not sad. I don't know what it is I feel now, but it isn't sadness.

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