Jana

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26th November 2004

7:46pm: Today was a horrible day. I don't know how I manage to hold my ground under the watch of John(my boss). He thinks that he is above us all, and not just as a boss. He doesn't really know any of us yet he seems to have us all down in his mind as idiots. He's a perfectionist who says one thing and means another. He gives instructions and when you follow them he will turn around and yell at you for not doing it another way. Luckily Loye is coming back on Monday to take back her position as supervisor. Then I can go about my business without worrying about John looking over my shoulder. I certainly don't get paid enough to let a rude, opinionated man call me a fucking idiot. *shrugs* hopefully soon I will have managed to find myself a better job more suited to me as a person. But until then I dread every day of work when I know he's going to be in the office. That's not the way you should live your life. You should wake up in the morning and think "wow, I wonder what great things are going to happen to me today" well, ideally that is what you should think. But no.....first thing on my mind in the morning beside "is mike going to call today" is "geezus, nine and a half more hours till I can come home again" now....in my memories from days when I was depressed...(I mean serious depression when I would just sleep all day and night and didn't have any ambitions other than to make it through my waking hours without breaking down) I thought like that. "when can I get back in bed and just forget for a while" and I really just DO NOT want to go back there. So I think for my health and well being another job is seriously needed. Any ways it wasn't a good day. But.....my birthday is on Sunday! The big 21. how about that? I still feel like I'm a teenybopper dressing up as an adult sometimes. But sometimes I feel too much like an adult. So I'm trying for that in between area where you maintain a youthful outlook but the maturity to go along with it. Which is hard to do when you've got my habit of being absent minded and forgetful. *shrugs* I've kind of calmed down about the whole Mike issue. It was just PMS I'm sure. But I wish he would just call. Even if its for two minutes. If he doesn't call on my birthday ill be very sad. Not that I deserve a call on my birthday. After all did I call on his? No.....But I've determined that I wont let something like that happen again. I know what I want and I wont let it go because of mistakes I make. I call now. Every day sometimes. Other times its every other day. And if he calls he calls. If not.......no biggie he's got a life. I have a life(sort of). And if its meant to work out it will. Hopefully it does, because I love him so much it hurts sometimes. My cat is being crazy weird again. She used my dirty laundry as a litter box today. I got home and went into my room and I noticed this funny smell. I was like I just cleaned, what the crap is that.........and while I was putting clothes in the washer at my dads a big ole' pile of poop fell out......it was like she dug around and shat in the middle of the pile and then covered it back up......my friend Tricia often wonders what cats would do while you're gone if they had opposable thumbs.......that is what they would do....only they don't need thumbs they can do horrible things without them. I need to get a computer and Internet soon. I cant just go days without writing in here because I have to drive somewhere else to do it. Maybe for my birthday if I get enough money ill get a used laptop or something. *shrugs* I am going to go to walmart in a few minutes to get a few things. A journal is one of them. I need one to write my quotes/poems/random thoughts in. A scrabbly notebook with the cover falling off wont do. so as soon as my clothes get out of the dryer off I go. And then home. To my crazy cat and a hot shower and maybe a call from mike if things are to end on a happy note. Maybe ill pick up a good book while I'm at walmart. Who knows.....sox definitely.....I think my closet has been eating mine...........Have you ever heard music so beautiful it all but stops your heart? I love that feeling. I love it when I get the same reaction towards a book. I'm such an odd soul................................As a cloud curves in heaven, so curves the shape of my soul.......................(see what I mean about the random blurbs I end up with?) Maybe ill publish someday. something to think about.

and now I'm going...... Lots of love
Current Mood: okay
Current Music: Coheed and Cambria/A Favor House Atlantic

22nd November 2004

8:30pm: Geeze
I can't really decide how i feel right now. There is a lot on my mind and in my heart at the moment. First of all there is all this stuff im going through about Mike. I am such a ninny. Mike loves me. He is a great friend and an awsome man. Hes a strong person who isnt afraid to be himself. Which is part of what i admire in him. And i know he would never purposely hurt me. I trust him. He would never cheat on me. He never has cheated. Hes very handsome. Especially since he got his glasses......we all know how i cant get over a guy with glasses lol. I like the way hes got freckles all over his shoulders and they way his hand feels in mine. I love his smile and the way he laughs. I could go on and on but i wont. Needless to say i love him with all my heart and always will. I would die if i lost him(well obviously i wouldnt die, but it'd be damn close). The thing is ive never been in a real relationship before him. My attempts were all half assed. I ended up with guys i didnt really know and didnt really care for. I just wanted to have that special something so badly i rushed into it. But i've found everything i want in Mike. Id marry him someday if hed ask. I want a family with him. We were out the other night walking around the lake and there were all these beautiful houses with their soft white christmas lights already up all beautiful and glowing and i couldnt help but wonder what it would be like to live in a house like that with him. A home and a family. But again i rush on....and cant just let things go at their own pace. Maybe that is why im such a goose. That and I am on my period so im about three times as emotional as normal. It's not as if i expect him to call every day. Its just that he used to call me all the time. ALL THE TIME. Hed call every time he even thought of me. Which is why now when i go days without talking to him i start to worry. Is he thinking about me, does he still want me, does he still love me. Silly things like that. When i know very well i stoped talking to him for a whole 6 months. I didnt answer his calls or emails. I just let him hang. But he kept calling. He didnt give up on me. He would get mad and leave an angry message and then a little bit later call back and say sorry. My friend Tricia Cheese once asked me if i thought a guy who didnt really love and care about me would do something like that. Keep calling for 6 months. And i know he wouldnt waste his time. Mike isnt the type to do that. I am amazed that he wouldnt give up on me. I told him that once and he said "why would i give up on you?" and my answer to that was.......he wouldnt. But as the song goes "im broken when im lonesome and i dont feel right when youre gone away". i live alone with my cat......sad huh? its better than living with my dad and two brothers and having to deal with dads girlfriend(who happens to be a wonderful lady, i just am not used to her yet) But i cant do the whole lonely sim thing. I need company other than a cat. Tricia Cheese is my best friend and i love her. We see eachother as often as possible. But shes got Charlie Horse. They've been together for two years. And i get lonesome when i see them together. I get lonesome for Mike. I wish i could just live with him and be near him. My lease is up january 31st. Ive been talking with Tricia Cheese about moving in together which would be wonderful! I love her shes like a sister/best friend/cheese. But i secretly wish it were mike sometimes. But i cant do that. Mostly just because of my father. He would never understand it(hes a preacher man/cpa....complicated story). Plus Mike lives and works in Sugarland and i live and work in north houston. A little inconvenient. Ah well.........That and i hate my job. A lot. And i feel like im caught in this inbetween area of life. Not moving back but not moving on either. Gotta do something. But for now im just going to hope and dream. Ill do something tomorrow when im not cramping and depressed. Ta Ta
8:03pm: Geeze
I can't really decide how i feel right now. There is a lot on my mind and in my heart at the moment. First of all there is all this stuff im going through about Mike. I am such a ninny. Mike loves me. He is a great friend and an awsome man. Hes a strong person who isnt afraid to be himself. Which is part of what i admire in him. And i know he would never purposely hurt me. I trust him. He would never cheat on me. He never has cheated. Hes very handsome. Especially since he got his glasses......we all know how i cant get over a guy with glasses lol. I like the way hes got freckles all over his shoulders and they way his hand feels in mine. I love his smile and the way he laughs. I could go on and on but i wont. Needless to say i love him with all my heart and always will. I would die if i lost him(well obviously i wouldnt die, but it'd be damn close). The thing is ive never been in a real relationship before him. My attempts were all half assed. I ended up with guys i didnt really know and didnt really care for. I just wanted to have that special something so badly i rushed into it. But i've found everything i want in Mike. Id marry him someday if hed ask. I want a family with him. We were out the other night walking around the lake and there were all these beautiful houses with their soft white christmas lights already up all beautiful and glowing and i couldnt help but wonder what it would be like to live in a house like that with him. A home and a family. But again i rush on....and cant just let things go at their own pace. Maybe that is why im such a goose. That and I am on my period so im about three times as emotional as normal. It's not as if i expect him to call every day. Its just that he used to call me all the time. ALL THE TIME. Hed call every time he even thought of me. Which is why now when i go days without talking to him i start to worry. Is he thinking about me, does he still want me, does he still love me. Silly things like that. When i know very well i stoped talking to him for a whole 6 months. I didnt answer his calls or emails. I just let him hang. But he kept calling. He didnt give up on me. He would get mad and leave an angry message and then a little bit later call back and say sorry. My friend Tricia Cheese once asked me if i thought a guy who didnt really love and care about me would do something like that. Keep calling for 6 months. And i know he wouldnt waste his time. Mike isnt the type to do that. I am amazed that he wouldnt give up on me. I told him that once and he said "why would i give up on you?" and my answer to that was.......he wouldnt. But as the song goes "im broken when im lonesome and i dont feel right when youre gone away". i live alone with my cat......sad huh? its better than living with my dad and two brothers and having to deal with dads girlfriend(who happens to be a wonderful lady, i just am not used to her yet) But i cant do the whole lonely sim thing. I need company other than a cat. Tricia Cheese is my best friend and i love her. We see eachother as often as possible. But shes got Charlie Horse. They've been together for two years. And i get lonesome when i see them together. I get lonesome for Mike. I wish i could just live with him and be near him. My lease is up january 31st. Ive been talking with Tricia Cheese about moving in together which would be wonderful! I love her shes like a sister/best friend/cheese. But i secretly wish it were mike sometimes. But i cant do that. Mostly just because of my father. He would never understand it(hes a preacher man/cpa....complicated story). Plus Mike lives and works in Sugarland and i live and work in north houston. A little inconvenient. Ah well.........That and i hate my job. A lot. And i feel like im caught in this inbetween area of life. Not moving back but not moving on either. Gotta do something. But for now im just going to hope and dream. Ill do something tomorrow when im not cramping and depressed. Ta Ta
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