keep the noise low, she doesn't wanna blow it. shaking head to toe while your left hand does '"the show me around". quickens your heartbeat it beats me straight into the ground. you dont recover from a night like this. a victim still laying in bed - comletely motionless. a hand moves in the dark to a zipper. hearing a boy bracing tight against the sheets barely whisper, "this is so messed up." upon the arrival the guests had all stared. dripping wet and cleary depressed he headed straight for the stairs. no longer cool but a boy in the stitch. unprepared for a life full of failing relationships. up the stairs the station where the act becomes the art of growing old. he keeps his hands low, he doesn't wanna blow it. he's wet from head to toe as his eyes give her the up and down. his stomach turns, and he thinks of throwing up but the body on the bed beckons forward, and he starts growing up. the fever, the focus, the reasons i believe that you weren't too hard to sell. the tickle, the taste of, it used to be the reason i breathe but now its choking me up. die young and save yourself. she hits the lights, this doesn't seem quite fair. despite everything he learned from his friends, he doesn't feel so prepared. she's breathing quiet and smooth, he is gasping for air. "this is the first and last time", he says. she fakes a smile, and presses her hips into his. he keeps his hands pinned down at his sides. he's holding back from telling her exactly what it really feels like. he is the lamb, she is the slaughter. she's moving way too fast, and all he wanted was to hold her. nothing that he tells her is really having an effect. he whispers that he loves her, but she's probably only looking for...so much more than he could ever give, a life full of lies and meaningful relationships. he keeps his hands pinned down at his sides, he waits for it to end and for the aching in his gut to subside.

(030904) i was looking forward to teen arts. not anymore. its gonna suck. i have no group. no one wants me. what a pity. i'm the biggest fuck-up of all time..sometimes you just get that feeling of lonliness and being unwanted and let me tell you, it SUCKS. 7 die young and save yourself

its down to this, im trying to make this life make sense. (030804) [ mood ·· busy ] [ music ·· 3 doors down ] havent updated since friday i think? hmm...i dont know. saturday i actually did stage crew, field hockey game saturday night..sunday i slept later because i was so tired, went out to sports authority got me some long addidas and nike pants for track..then to the mall and i gotta shirt for teen arts..its not really me and i dont think it looks too good on me..but my mom is convinced i look beautiful in it and well teen arts is thursday, so i got it. i also got this other shirt that i dont really like and i dont think it looks good and its my style but my mom had to buy it because she said i look gorgeous in it and she couldnt not buy it. ahh moms. then sunday night andrew came over which was cool because i hadnt seen him since thursday. in school today..got my progress report in history..67! mr. jones is claiming i didnt do any of the homeworks! what the hell? hes a jerk. in theatre we had a sub and me, jess, rusty and katie just talked the whole time. monologues due tomorrow..theres no way in hell im bringing in props and shit and like im really gonna memorize all that crap. HA! spanish- we had a test..thats it. then band and it was really upsetting..planas told us lymphoma- which is a type of cancer...which is sad but the good thing is you cant die from it. it just sucks that it had to come to him because hes a great guy and all...i heard it and i nearly cried. he said he's gonna loose all his hair and all. and he wont be with us for teen arts...but mr. meg will. still, i hope planas gets better soon. i found out my uncle has cancer and is in a cancer hospital in chicago..he has it on his lung- which is not good. i officially dispise cancer. sat in the cafeteria during 6th period with britt,meg,chuck,rick and gary. chuck slapped me across the face for no reason. the jerk! in english we started to read romeo and juliet and me and britt were the two guys in the beginning talking about thrusting the maids..lol. it was funny when fecher told us afterwards. in track we ran a mile, did some conditioning and then us throwers went to the weight room. tomorrow we are throwing! yay! if i didnt mention this in my last entry, friday i did javelin, discus and shot put..i definetly want to do javelin the most...then discus maybe..shot put is just so heavy. then came home and stuff..im here and now i gotta go to dance! short entry today. :o) die young and save yourself

say your name, when i fall, when i hit the bottom. (030404) [ mood ·· bored ] [ music ·· nfg ·· eyesore ] today..wow..so long. i woke up so tired, fell asleep in the shower..but i wasnt that late. history was boring as usual..we wrote an essay and blah blah blah. in theatre rizzo had us split up and read our monologues over and over to ourselves and that sucked. then testing for a nice 3 hours. ahh! i couldnt even do the last math section..i read the directions, stared at it for a couple minutes, laughed and wrote whatever. yup, in between to l.a sections i fell asleep because i finished early and all the sudden i hear brennan yell STOP, to go on to the next section and i jumped up and gasped. ahh not a pleasant way to be woken up. after testing was finally finished i talked with jess and stuff, then to spanish, got a 100 on my quiz then we went over homework and played a game. band we played some music and my brother played this song he made up over and over and over. went to the cafeteria for 6th period today since andrew went to madrigals. sat with meghan, britt, gary, this dude rick, and chuck was there for a while. it was funny...britt was like, smell gary's hair, it smells like herbal essences..and so we all started talking about what shampoo we use and im like 'meghan, your hair smells like, like, HOLY WATER!, its JESUS!' and we all started laughing. then i talked to andrew before 7th period. in english i mostly talked with jess,nicole,britt,lindz and candice and it was fun. haha... jess: 'why are there dogs on a tree?' me: 'no, theyre cows.' nicole: 'theyre definetly dogs.'... jess:' i think the dog and the person is like thinking of the dogs family tree.'.. me: '....or maybe they're just staring at a dog tree.' fecher: bit..what do you think of when you think of that word? anthony:..'a little bit of something..' nicole: 'like a bite.'.... me: 'an animal.' fecher: 'what type of animal caitlin?' me: 'one that bites.' fecher: 'okay that what nicole said. think of different meanings of the word.' me: 'oh' fecher: 'anyone think of anything?' me: 'oh i know!' fecher: 'what?' me: 'the thing that goes in the horses mouth!' fecher: 'yes! thats why i asked you what kind of animal. okay anything else? theres one more.' me: 'the bit thing on the computer!' fecher: 'yes!' me: 'I'M A GENIUS!' fecher; 'i was just gonna ask if there were any computer geeks in the room.' (everyone turns around to me and laughs) me: 'ahh, thanks.' ..so i was a little out of it today. came home..did a whole lot of nothing, blah blah blah, thats it. and andrew isnt going to school tomorrow, its gonna suck so bad. die young and save yourself

she's just the flavor of the week (030304) [ mood ·· sleepy ] [ music ·· american hi-fi·· flavor of the week ] today was very long. in history we were supossed to be answering questions, but i was just like 'screw it, its too damn early and i'm going to be having 3 hours of testing soon.' then in theatre he just told us to do questions and stuff so me,jess and rusty just talked the whole time and me and jess made up a dance to 'i like the way you move' it was quite amusing. i have such good times in that class with them two, its funny as hell. then i walked with them to testing...3 hours of reading, writting, shading in circles, sitting, and me-coughing and dying because im sick as hell. ughh why? screw you terra novas! after that we had like a half hour to do whatever and me and jess started designing the rusty barbie doll...which is soo cool, i have it in my notebook, ill take a picture sometime and post it. then in band we marched around the parking lot once again playing irish music. then 6th period i was working on my english and andrew seemed kind of busy so i went and sat with meghan in the cafeteria because brittany left her all alone to go outside. my poor meghan, i saved the day though! then to spanish and we had a quiz and the class seemed like it went on forever and i had a pounding headache. finally the bell rung and i walked to 7th period english and i talked to jess outside the doorway as i waited for andrew. and andrew came and it was such a relief just to see him because i was like dying from all the test taking, being sick and never ending day, so he just made me feel so much better. then he left to his class and me and jess go to go into english and dominic stands in the doorway and wont let us in and he goes 'when the bell rings you all wont be in class because i wont let you!' haha, so were pushing and he wont move..and im like 'oh its that silly penguin again!' (i call him the penguin from billy madison because he just reminds me of a penguin and we brought it up one time in english)...'its too damn hot for a penguin to just be walking around! i'm gonna send you back to the zoo, they'll treat ya reeeeal respectable-like.' and he started laughing and me and jess still couldnt get in and by now rusty joined in and so it was like 10x harder..and mrs fecher sees whats going on and she goes 'you know dominic, if you make them late im gunna send you to the office.' and we laughed and he let us in. then the bell rung. we watched a shakespere movie but i basically just drew random things on a piece of paper and talked to britt and candice and people. the funniest thing happened on the bus, im sitting with andrew and andrew goes to nick, 'buy a demo.' and nicks like 'how much?' and andrew says 3 dollars. and nick was like i have no money, blah blah..so on and so fourth. and then nick says 'why dont you sell them all to your girlfriend?' and andrew says something like 'she already got one and it was free.' and nick goes 'ohhh i see, she gets a free demo because she sticks her tongue down your throat.' and we all started cracking up. it was so funny. so i got home and im sitting with my mom at the table..and today i stuck my barbel earring through my cartilidge and well heres our conversation. mom: you put that in today, that huge rod with balls hanging off the end? me: yup. mom: doesnt that hurt? me: only when it goes in and sometimes when it comes out. mom: did anyone say anything about that huge rod with balls? me: you said balls. mom: (laughs) me: what? mom: just our conversation. me: balls? mom: no, before that. (starts cracking up) me: huge rod with balls? eww mom you sicko! mom: even before that? me: what? mom: you put that huge rod with balls in? does it hurt? only when it goes in and sometimes comes out. me: (cracking up) mom, youre a freak. ahh ya had to be there. it was hilarious. anyways..im out. 1 die young and save yourself

remember when we were young... (030204) [ mood ·· hyper ] [ music ·· bigwig ] hahaha nicole left a comment in my journal..okay so the thing was willie,greg,matt v,britt,melissa,matt asson all asked us to play basketball and me and nicole just laughed because we cant even dribble for shit, so who else comes strolling down the street but eric boone and he joins the game..so me and nicole are talking and joking around, dancing and singing and i look over and holy shit..theres a sight to behold..and i tell nicole and we come to the conclusion that boone has the biggest ass we've ever seen and we wanted to cry but we just started cracking up..and i wanted to just laugh in his face but considering he had a knife in his pocket, i dont think that would be a good idea. haha..thank you for reminding me nicole, haha that was a great day..it was just like me,nicole,britt,melissa,willie, greg r.,matt asson,matt van,chandler in the city and greg tried teaching me and nicole this train cheer and we just totally ruined it and stuff and me and nicole left to play on the tire playground which by the way was a kickass time..just re-living our youth. nicole- we need to have that sleepover! wooot wooot. okay so yesterday-which was monday ;P- in history i did a whole lot of sleep. in theatre we got monologues to memorize which are due tuesday. i got a bag of candy to sell to give me an hour for stage crew and i sold one today too so i only have 10 hours left to do for stage crew..and if i sell 10 more bags..guess what? no stage crew! wooo! in spanish-i gotta 96 on my progress report. me and aimee just laugh the whole class because andrew cifelli and cory mahoney say 'dude' in every sentence and they dont mean too. so me and her just sit there and we hear dude and just laugh. in band i had to play the old crapophone since mine was being repaired...bleh, we marched around the parking lot playing irish music and it was hot and i kept laughing because brittany and nichele are in front of my and brittany is just walking and holding music for nichele and it was just hilarious. then planas tells us to walk to a like formation and andrew like walks past nichele and nichele was like 'wow what are you doing? in lines! you're like all up in my grill there.' and i just started laughing and it was just hilarious..other stuff was said but im having short term memory loss right now. then i sat with andrew 6th period in the band room. onto 7th period in english and we went over the interlopers and i was the only one that made the connection between that story and romeo and juliet because you know why? because I ROCK! thats why. damm right i do. and then we did quote things and i worked with brittany and rusty and that was it. i got my progress report-89. only because i failed one quiz because i finished the book and i filled in answers from other chapters. oops. oh well, i'll bring it up. stayed after school for the track meeting..im gonna do javelin and its gonna be awesome im so excited, it starts on friday! whee! i talked to this one girl who does javelin and she told me not many girls do it in this school and im like the only freshmen, which soooo cool, she said they run the bleachers and run a 1/2 mile and do all the conditioning and spend a lot of time in the weight room, so it wont be bad. i pity the runners who have to run like 2-3 miles everyday. thats just not me..and javelin looks so awesome and the cool thing about is that it can kill someone which is why we go down to the field hockey field so that we dont kill the runners. haha. after dinner, me and my dad went to samash to pick up my sax and the guy who fixed it, ronnie bass, was an awesome sax player, he was like 'how'd this happen to your sax?' and i was like 'it just fell off, all of the sudden it was in my lap.' and he laughed and said i have a good saxophone because he played it and it plays really nice and he said the mouthpiece i got is good. then i went to dance lessons, came home and talked to andrew on the phone. and wah-la..that was monday. today i walked to the bus in the rain carrying my sax. but it was worth it because i sit with andrew on the bus. woo. history we watched this video with these islams cutting there heads open for a holiday and letting the blood pour down their face and it was so wrong and disgusting. rusty was very bitter in theatre and like yelled at jess for gum..it was funny though, we knew he was fine when he started back up singing again. then it was testing time and i sat with jess in kathy's room..kathy-jess KATHY! took the math terra nova and it was long, boring and sucky. after we had like a while before 3/4. so i talked to jess and ferrari most of the time, then ferrari left and me & jess were talking about theatre class because we were joking around because rusty wants to be on broadway..and im like 'yes, rusty i can see your name in lights-not rusty miller-just rusty.' haha. and so we were like 'that would be scary if he did become famous and our kids were like swooning over him and had posters and soon the rusty barbie doll is created.' and we started to design the rusty barbie doll..with its red hair and skin color eyebrows and that goofy smile and when you push a button he sings the milkshake song and his arms start waving up and down. and then you push another button and he recites the 'rosies' tongue twister that he constantly and i mean constantly says..over and over. then another button and theres a light on his teeth and he says 'diction is done with the tip of the tongue and the teeth.' (because he always says that too) and the light flashes on teeth like a sparkle. it was just so hilarious...now we plan on making a black rusty barbie doll for ethnic purposes..cept he'll still have the red hair and like white eyebrows. haha..yay jess! then in 3/4 spanish, everyone bought my candy! yay! and we did simple stuff and really nothing. in band we played inside which made me happy because i didnt want to march around the parking lot playing irish music. then in 6th i sat in the band room which andrew. and 7th period was only 12 minutes..thats so dumb. but oh well i was happy because it was so short. so i come in and this funny william hung thing is on the tv elite dancing to the she bangs song and i just busted out laughing-that guy is so awesome, so me and like nicole maybe i think it was, possibly brittany and all started singing super loud 'she bangs! she bangs! oh babbby and she moves, she moves! i go cray because she looks like a flower but she stings like a bee, like every girl in hiiiistory!' and fecher was laughing at us...so then mrs. fecher turned on the speakers and we basically spent all of the 12 minutes singing and dancing to william hung's version of she bangs. woo! it was so awesome. andrew came home with me on the bus. we hung out and it was cool. i reminded him on the walk home that he left his demos on the bus and he ran back and got them. i am a hero! then yesterday i reminded him about his grease practice. caitlin hopkins, a hero, a savior. hes so cute :D god, i love him so much. tomorrow is 10 weeks! had dance class tonite...and yeah now im here. and stuff. yeah. im all out of stuff to say. hmm....well friday i start track. saturday morning i have track, saturday night i have a field hockey game..sunday i dunno if i have dance or not- i hope not because its 1-2 and i wanna actually do something. and my arm is still in pain and like bruised and swelled and red from my tetnis shot i got on friday..i dont think it should be like that. 2 die young and save yourself

what a surprise, im updating! (022904) [ mood ·· envious ] [ music ·· blink 182 ·· i miss you ] yes i know, i haven't updated since ahh thursday. okay, sorry ive been trying to put it off as long as possible because i didnt feel like writing it all but it looks like it has come back to get me even worse in the end. so thursday was a half day and i went and hung out with nicole and britt in the city. friday was a full day..andrew came over a litte after 8 and he beat me in eye toy. grrr. oh well it was fun. yesterday i slept til like 12:30...took a shower then we lost our field hockey game at 5..i played horrible in it. then afterwards we went to samash to send in my saxophone for repair because well..some stuff fell off. haha. so i was looking at the mouthpieces and the guy let me test out a few and i got to pick out whatever sax i wanted off the wall and they were all gorgeous so i picked this all black-nickel one and it was so awesome...and i played different mouthpieces and i picked the one that is more used for jazz playing. so it was like a hundred and some dollars and i talked my parents into it. ha, go me! and i left but i looked at the soprano saxes on the walls..and i just wanted to steal one. ahh sopranos are soo gorgeous. ive always wanted one i found the perfect soprano...its a hot pink and gold curved monique and its on 575 dollars. ahh its so beautiful go see : http://www.dominicsmusic.com/productpages/prod_59.html please someone buy that for me!! please ill do anything! so right now i have a new mouthpiece, my old mouthpiece, a neckstrap, reeds..but no saxophone because its in for repairs..wonderful, now im going to have to play a school sax and its gonna suck. please someone buy me that soprano!!! PLEASE! its going on my christmas/birthday list..i dont care if thats all i get for both christmas and birthday, you have no idea how badly i NEED that soprano sax. today i have dance and i think im hanging out with andrew and stuff. so yeah ill update later. 3 die young and save yourself

i miss you kristen, good luck in your future (022504) [ mood ·· cheerful ] [ music ·· the getup kids ·· valentine ] yeah, didnt get to write yesterday, i was busy with english homework. but anyways, yesterday was me and andrew's 2 month! :o) yay! today, i took my digital camera to school and got a picture of kristen since it was her last day. :'(. i miss her already...i wrote her a goodbye note and she told me she'd write to me as soon as possible. she's going to be my florida pen pal. school is going to be so different without her and its so upsetting i wont get to see her smiling face and get random hugs and stuff anymore. kristen if youre reading this, youre awesome, dont ever forget that. i felt so bad, in 7th period in english she started to cry and and i hugged her goodbye and she hugged me back and she left. :(. it sucks to have a friend move away..it really sucks. and if you knew kristen, shes more than a friend, she becomes a part of you. but thank you kristen, you made me such a better person. so after history, went to theatre and we did skits and i wore this wolf costume and it was awesome, and our skit was pointless but me wearing the wolf outfit is so awesome. jessica took a picture of me with my digital camera, ill post it sometime. then in spanish we did nothing the whole time. band consisted of my brother making me feel like crap, but andrew made me feel better afterwards, then in english we did a to kill a mockingbird game review thing and i got to be a captain, wooo! took the bus home and talked to andrew, came home, my mom and brother went out to get food, i sat and read some perks of being a wallflower (by the way, mrs. fecher talked to me and she said she wanted to teach that book but the school wouldnt allow it because of the part in the book where Charlie is masturbating with a pillow. and i laughed because thats not so bad, especially compared to other parts in the book.) then andrew rode his bike over and stuff and we hung out all afternoon which was alot of fun and i beat him in eye toy. because i am the champion! wooo! and yeah, it was an awesome afternoon, he was so sweet and it was just so much fun and today is our 9 weeks and i love him! :P i get bored so i take pictures of myself...i change around the color though, i really like black and white photos alot. ( Read more... ) kristen has invited to me to mcdonalds for six but i couldnt go because i had dance, she understood though and i said my goodbyes and all. <3 you kristen, you rock. tomorrow i have a half day and since andrew has band practice i think im hanging out with brittany and nicole. anyways..im tired, goodnight. 1 die young and save yourself

my sleep pattern changed (022304) [ mood ·· artistic ] [ music ·· the early november ·· my sleep pattern changed ] i hear your angel voice. it makes me feel so nice. i like to sing along. along and forever. i know wrong and rights go tonight. i hear your angel words. inside and overheard. i’ll fall in love tonight. the one time I go hide. i know wrong and right is off tonight. I hear your angel song, i hope I sing along. aint that pretty? 2 die young and save yourself

run sand hourglass (022304) [ mood ·· jubilant ] [ music ·· the juliana theory ·· august in bethany ] andrew came over last night! :o) it was great getting to see him because i hadn't seen him since thursday, and we rented carrie and it was cool and and annnd i love him! monday mornings always suck because its so hard to wake up and you just have that i-dont-want-to-go-to-school feeling. i took the bus, and it was very cold out. normally i dont take the bus, but i've been taking it so i can see andrew. i sat through yet another very boring history class. mr. jones is one of the worst teachers ever i swear. he turned on yet another video and kept disappearing (which i have no problem with) except, when i take the test, i dont want to fail it! so i have no idea whats going on in the stupid class and i really dont give a damn about other countries religions because i really dont care about religion what-so-ever. then theatre came around which is such an awesome class, we had a sub and this dude was a real weirdo. he pretended we had an invisible new student named amy from the czech republic, he turned on this really gay video with these kids from like the 80's, making themselves explode and stuff, he talked to himseld way to much (or maybe he was trying to talk to us) who knows, he paused the video and asked us if we wanted to play the "explosion game" that they played in the video, we all just looked up at him, stared and then looked away. he was like 'ahh alright maybe next time.' and im thinking..'dude there is no next time.' basically it was just me, jess, rusty and katie talking the whole time and fooling around, throwing paper airplanes and talking about music and stuff which was cool. then our sub fell asleep and im like 'hey dude!' and he woke up, haha, awesome. in spanish i had a make-up test that i did in 2 minutes and got an 100 on. :o) yay! i have another test tomorrow, it's going to be easy, today all we did was review for it. in band we did a lot of nothing, finally we played our new warm-up sheet, the pictures at an exhibiton and the chorale of jupiter, thats all. i cant wait til teen arts which is march 11th i think. last year at teen arts in macfarland, ahh it was so much fun. i did my solo. hahaha and that was the only thing the judges liked about the songs was my solo in killer joe (which is a great song). i played my solo and the judge was like 'excellent alto sax solo, you did an awesome job with that.' and stuff and i felt happy and it was just so cool. hartz would never compliment me..why? because hes a jerk. spent 6th period with andrew in the hallway which is always fun. in english i took a make-up quiz, yeah i dont think i got one question right because i didn't know what chapters they were so i think i answered some of the questions with answers from other chapters. ehh. then i was partners with kara and we got assigned a chapter and had to write the main event of the chapter and a character who grew within the chapter and why. god, i hate this book though, it's not a bad book, it's just so old and it's not the type of book i like to read. came home with my brother in his car since andrew had to work on a project after school. i have open-house for dance tonite...like my modern class isnt crowded enough, now with parents watching, there isn't going to be any room to breathe. ugh. and ballerina jeff...his mommy, and his daddy, and grandma and sister and his sister's boyfriend and his aunt and whomever else will be there, videotaping him twirl around they won't shutup the whole time. it just makes me so frusterated, hes a 15 year old boy, he shouldnt be a ballerina, okay maybe he wants to but hes the only guy in the whole dance studio. thats so wrong, hes in serious need of help. i put my mood as jubilant...thats happy right? if not oh well...sorry im trying to expand my vocabrulary. tomorrow im gonna be really happy because its me and andrew's 2 month! yay! :o) i love you andrew! 2 die young and save yourself

you make me feel like i am free again (022204) [ mood ·· bouncy ] [ music ·· the early november ·· ever so sweet ] well new blurty layout. you like it? well i do, considering i spent all morning on it. i made jess a layout last night and she says she loves it which makes me happy! last night i was laying down and went into a deep thought about the past. i have no idea why but i feel like writing some stuff, no one probably cares and yes, it's pointless but i don't know, i haven't got much to write. i remember my first time at wildwood. i was really little, but i remember i kept wanting to go on the huge slide. and i did, i must've went on it like 20 times. i remember riding on the huge ferris wheel with my dad and we got stopped at the very top and i kept wondering if it would break and we'd fall into the sand on the beach. i remember looking for dolphins but i didn't see any. i remember going to six flags and i wanted this unicorn on one of the watergun games, so my dad won it for me. i remember me and my mom painting the shed in our backyard pink and we turned it into a clubhouse for me. and i remember briana coming over when we were like 5, and we wrote our names in a chalkboard inside the shed. but then years later i remember going back to wildwood and i was too scared to go on the slide. the line for the ferris wheel was too long. i did see dolphins though during the day. i actually began to win games for myself, though i still do ask my dad to win some for me if i really want something. i remember a couple years ago, me and briana were in the backyard hanging upside down from the monkey bars...and we decided to open back up the shed and we found our names on the chalkboard and we laughed and remember those years when we were younger, spending hours outside in the "clubhouse". its funny to think of it now. i have no idea why i just wrote all of this. maybe theres some deep meaning. im not sure. who knows. but i do know, that i dont want to grow up. update later. 2 die young and save yourself

doing much better (022104) [ mood ·· cheerful ] [ music ·· the cure ·· lovesong ] last night i felt alot better. i was just laying in my room and i got a phone call from andrew. that made me so happy because it was so unexpected and he's not really a phone person. i talked with him for about an hour. he really cheered me up. it was really great to hear his voice too. he told me i was beautiful and for like the first time all day i smiled. i dont know if he read what i wrote in my last entry yet, but if he does, i hope it makes him smile as much as he makes me smile. after all that, i came online and talked to amber because i saw she mentioned my name in her away message about the two story thing for the grease musical. :). i told her i went up there in stage crew and we talked of that for a while, then about jazz band, she said she'll have my music copied for me for monday. so thats good. i told that i suck and i have no musical talent what-so-ever and she told me that im good and stuff and that i should take music theory or vocal tech. because that'll help me. and also that it isnt my fault because i was instructed from hartz. but she said that im better than her, and i told her i dont know, because im not one to judge. but it doesnt matter. i explained to her that i really like band and i want to do good because i really care about it and i like to play. she said that if i care that much then i will get better and do good. and i hope so. and amber is smart so she's probably right. kudos to kristen for introducing me to Lovesong by The Cure. i really do love this song. i was talking to kristen and she says "i have the perfect song for you and krause." and i laughed and im like "what song?" and she told me this song. so i download and i really do like it alot. so i've been listening to it, she told me they are from the 80's...so i might download some others and if i like it, i might even consider buying a cd. this song is great though, i really do like the lyrics and its such a catchy song. well heres the lyrics. If ever I'm alone with you, you make me feel Like I am home again If ever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again If ever I'm alone with you, you make me feel Like I am young again If ever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am fun again However far away, I will always love you, However long I stay, I will always love you, Whatever words I say, I will always love you, I will always love you If ever I'm alone with you, You make me feel like I am free again, If ever I'm alone with you, You make me feel like I am clean again However far away, I will always love you, However long I stay, I will always love you, Whatever words I say, I will always love you, I will always love you see, arent the lyrics nice? i think so. the song is just great. everyone who reads this, atleast download it to hear it just once. its great. this morning i had some jello and green tea for breakfast. interesting huh? i love green tea though...tonight i have a field hockey game and after that i stop at the 7/11 and buy a plum green tea. because green tea just rocks. i swear i could live off it. me and nichele had a conversation about that at marching band once i think. if i can remember, we both had green tea from wawa so we started a conversation on how we could live off it. then she advertised her wawa pineapples, which i dont think i can ever forget because it was hilarious. this morning i had to babysit my sister while my mom went to the hospital to see my grandma. so i sat in the rocking chair by the window and read some perks of being a wallflower. my dog hopped up in my lap and stayed there and fell asleep. so it was relaxing. a bunch of people joined my im_with_theband community, thats so awesome. so i started making banners and such so i can advertise it. i made 2 banners an icon. then im just making little things for my bandees to choose from what instrument they play(i.e. its a banner and itll say like 'i play the alto sax' and at the bottom itll say im_with_theband) if no one has ever seen my community, you definetly should. its at blurty and just put in ~im_with_theband. if you wanna join, click on the user info, read the rules, copy the form, join the community and then fill out the form and post it in your first entry. my community is growing..has a nice 15 members. pretty cool! today, i dont know what im gonna do yet. but i have a field hockey game at 7:15 tonite. and im going to a sleepover camp for field hockey for a week this summer! i dont know who my roommate is yet though, whoever i get, i just hope they dont mind me as their roommate. tommorrow i might go to stage crew, i only wanna go if someone i know is going, so i'll ask brittany even though she did her 16 hours. i have 4 done. haha. maybe i could ask jess? hmm we shall see. i miss andrew alot, i hope i get to see him tommorrow. thats all i have to say for now. adios! 5 die young and save yourself

this is for you, andrew. i love you. its not a song, or a poem. just writing about you. (022004) [ mood ·· calm ] [ music ·· the early november ·· ever so sweet ] i walk a half mile everyday. but id walk the world too. just to see you. in the morning. in the afternoon. in the freezing cold. whether its snow or ice. or pouring rain. just to feel the warmth of your hands. while mine are cold. to see the look of your eyes. whether tired or happy. just to stare in the deep brown. the doors to your soul. the windows to your heart. your heart beats so gracefully. i know. because i can hear it. when i rest against your chest. to feel the softness of your skin. so smooth. so wonderful. youre exquisite. your smile never looked so amazing. til it was smiling back at me. your lips touch mine. ever so gently. and i realize its more than just a dream. your voice echos through my ears. and 'i love you' is stuck on repeat. i smile. over and over. i smile. your hair is never the same. but its always perfect. it seems to always fall in the right place. its soft and wonderful. my heart has never felt this great. my heart has never felt this wonderful. my heart has never been this happy. my heart is happy. my heart is yours. is yours. is yours. my heart is yours forever. i know when your coming. i can hear your keys. and believe me, im always listening. i know im the luckiest person in the world. there possibly could be other worlds out there. i always wonder about that when im looking at the night sky. but im luckier than them. all the stars in the universe.. cant count up for how much i love you. sometimes i wonder when im looking at the stars. if youre looking at that same star. and if you are, i hope youre thinking of me. my grandmother says its true love you know. the last thing she said to me was.. that youre the greatest thing to ever happen to me. and i agree with her. because you are. you are. really, you are. the greatest. my darling. you smell so sweet. and my pillow holds your sweet scent. and i hug it, and sometimes even cry on it. because i love you so much. when im not thinking about you, im dreaming about you. how i wish you were here. to stay, always and forever. please dont ever leave me. because i promise ill never leave you. you told me you liked the mornings. and you wished you were a morning person. i wish i was too. then we could watch the sunrise together. and im working on it, so that someday we can. just for you. i'll wake up. and walk to your house. so we can see the sunrise. i may be absolutely absurd. and crazy. but yes, im crazy for you. youre so special. everyone is the same. but you, youre different. and i love that. i love you. youre so talented and amazing. you always know a way to make me happy. which is so great, and someday ill find a way to thank you, but right now all i can say is that i love you. and i really do mean it. i give you the stars. i give you the world. i give you my heart. i give you my soul. i give you everything i have. because you have me. i cant imagine life without you. and i dont want to think about it, because that life wouldnt have me either. youre my everything. everything i absolutely will ever need, i dont need air to breathe. i dont need anything. just you. just you only you. i love you, more than anything. believe me, i always will. youre gorgeous. youre perfect. youre special. youre adorable. youre amazing. youre so great. youre sweet. youre kind. youre caring. youre funny. youre wonderful. youre fun to be around. youre the only person i truly love. i promise i always will. i love you. i love you. i l o v e you. forever. and ever. and ever. and always. believe me. let it be known. this promise will always remain. youre my everything. 3 die young and save yourself

shitty day so far (022004) [ mood ·· depressed ] [ music ·· coheed and cambria ·· delerium trigger ] been a shitty day. stayed home. went to the doctors. came home, a message left on our machine. it was my grandma, she was barely breathing and said her heart stopped and difibulator wasnt working and she needed to go to the hospital. so my mom ran out the door and took off. and ive been here alone and crying, hating myself because i realized, if she dies itll be my fault, because I had to go to the doctors and if it wasnt for that, my mom couldve gotten to her alot quicker. AND I FEEL LONELY AND SCARED AND DEPRESSED AND LIKE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. but i talked to someone and that someone really saved me. thank you nichele for making me feel alot better. 6 die young and save yourself

finally..im updating (021904) [ mood ·· bored ] [ music ·· kill hannah ·· ten more minutes with you ] i really should update my journal. i keep forgetting, sorry to anyone who reads usually. friday andrew came over, and we went to the mall and i got third holes pierced in my ears..then he came back here and we hung out and it was so great. then saturday i woke up and immediantly started baking the cake i was baking for him, then while it was in the oven i came online and i talked to andrew and then about an hour and a half later it was finished so i let it cool, while i got in the shower and got ready while keeping an eye on my sister (because my mom was at the store), then the cake cooled and i mixed the icing so i made it pink and i wrote on it i love you andrew. :D and tada it was finished, then i wrapped it up, and took it up to my room and put it with his gift and went to go pick him up. so he liked everything i got him which made me happpy happy happy! so we hung out and all and it was alot of fun and i had just an amazing time. then sunday i called brittany to see if she wanted to go to the movies or something but noooo, she was already having melissa sleep over, which sorta pissed me off because britt just like has totally forgotten about me because everything is melissa..and she never wants to hang out with me because (this is like the third time now) shes with melissa, like ill call her and ill be like, hey wanna sleep over and she'll be like no, im already having melissa sleep over my house, and im just like okay. i try and be nice about it but yeah it hurts when your best friends totally just gets rid of you for someone else. but anyways, im not gonna let it bother me because im not gonna get down to her level. anyways, briana invited me to joes crabshack with her so we went there and hung out and i made our waiter dude use a purple pen, and he seemed angry about that. but anyways, after that we came back to her house and her mom cut my hair and stuff..then monday i woke up and talked to andrew...begged my mom to have him over, so we went to the mall and then he came with me to my dentist appointment where i got some nice needles and stuff stabbed into my mouth, came back home and we hung out then dropped him off at home around 8 because i had dance. then tuesday (lets see if i can remember)...nope..nothing really, just school. wednesday- took the bus in the morning so i could see andrew, school..then andrew rode his bike over after school for a little while, then i met him later at the festival of arts thing, and yeah..it was a great day, mainly because i got to be with andrew alot,also it was...happy 8 weeks! today...woke up and took the bus so i could see andrew..got to school and talked for awhile, then onto history where i basically sleep there, then theatre which is always fun because its like me,jessie and rusty just having fun...and were acting now,which is soo much fun, and i always get the class laughing which is cool, i didnt know i was that funny. then spanish which is the easiest stuff..then to band where we had to play some warm-ups by ourselves and i was so nervous and i think i did okay, andrew said it was perfect. spent 6th period with andrew then to english where we went over our homework/classwork the whole time. then stayed after school for the track meeting..came home, ate, then back to the school for jazz band, so i was sitting outside with andrew, waiting for my mom to come to pick us up, and i look over and im just like..wow. the light from the moon and stars made his eyes shine, he seemed to glow and his hair glistened..and it was absolutely breathtaking..i didnt know what to say, i was in awe. i just felt like the luckiest person who will ever live, i couldnt help but smile, hes so gorgeous. i cant even begin to describe how much i love him..and im serious, and i seriously want to be with him forever and i know ill always love him more than anything, forever. i see so much in him and everything is wonderful, hes absolutely perfect. i always tell him hes so gorgeous, and i hope he knows i mean it because i mean it with everything i have, he is the most gorgeous person ill ever see. and i wish i could proove that i love him more than anything..i wish i could, i know he's the one. i know it. and i hope he feels the same way. but oh my god, im hopelessly in love with you andrew krause. i will always be. so now im sitting here doing nothing except this and danny IMs me and tells me about hartz. holysquirelcage3: whats new? star struck hope: just got back from jazz band awhile ago holysquirelcage3: cool holysquirelcage3: im playin the guitar for jazz band star struck hope: thats cool star struck hope: how is ol' hartzy poo? holysquirelcage3: he hurt his knee and is sick so he hasnt been in skool star struck hope: hahaha thats freakin hilarious holysquirelcage3: yeah star struck hope: is he like in a wheelchair? holysquirelcage3: lol no star struck hope: because that would be awesome if he was holysquirelcage3: haha yeah it would holysquirelcage3: he just limps around skool star struck hope: awesome lol...hartz- injured. and thats hilarious.. die young and save yourself

im finally updating once again! (020904) [ mood ·· bouncy ] [ music ·· armour for sleep ·· kind of perfect ] i decided id finally update my journal for a change. it feels like its been forever. anyways..i dont remember when i last updated..i think it was wednesday..but anyways..i dont remember what happened thursday..but friday andrew came over which was awesome. then saturday i did nothing, and i mean nothing. sunday i went to stage crew from 9 30- 1 30...so i got 4 hours in...12 more hours to go! me and brittany painted a huge brick wall for the play and we started another but we didnt get to finish and it took us the whole time basically. then i came home and andrew was suppossed to come over later but he wasnt allowed, so that sucked, so i just was alone the whole night but i talked to him most of it. today, i got in school and talked to andrew :D. sat thru a boring history class. then to theatre, we had a sub and i look over at the sub and my jaw just drops and jess and rusty look at me and im like 'have you guys ever seen billy madison?' and they are like 'yeah..' and im like 'look at our sub, its principal anderson...' and they look over and and rusty was like 'oh my god! it looks exactly like him!' and we all just start cracking up...so me and jess are working on our project and principal anderson comes waddling over and is reading our poster and was "trying" to talk to us..and were just like yeahh...ugh huh. etc etc. it was pretty scary. then in spanish i gotta 100 on my test...and we did simple stuff as usual and told jokes...its such an easy class. then in band, i was talking to andrew in the hallway and out appears colin out of no where and is like 'hey guys! whats up?' and it made me hate colin even more. in band we played the pink panther..which i cant play still..then i have to go to lunch all this week during 6th period because andrew will have pit practice for the play. and at lunch we cant get ben and all his weird annoying friends to go away and i just wanna cry. but i look on the bright side...atleast ballerina jeff isnt there. after that i met up with andrew and walked to 7th period with him, which was cool. then in english we just analyzed some poems we read. then at the end of class im talking to a bunch of people, like a whole side of the room decides to go on the topic of how im the cutest person in the world, and im so cute and adorable and then they get into a topic about how i have the cutest figure and that i have a "j.lo" butt and how my butt is cute and they wish they had one like mine...im im standing there like ready to die..because what do you say when people are complimenting your butt? its just not something that you get complimented on every day. so that was interesting. kinda funny. then i rode the bus with andrew which so great getting to be with him. came home..was suppossed to have a dentist appointment but my mom and brother and dad were all at a college and didnt come back so i had to call and cancel it. i think im rescheduled for thursday though. so i curled my hair because i had nothing else to do..and i did my poem for english. now im talking to andrew which is great. andrews coming over for valentines day and i have lots of surprises! :D hehe. i love you andrew! 4 die young and save yourself

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