Tigerlily's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar] Tigerlily [ website | My Blog and Web Pages ] [ userinfo | blurty userinfo ] [ calendar | blurty calendar ]

Today's Episode: lalala. [29 Mar 2003|09:20pm] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | Watching One Hour Photo, creepiness ] Dont have the energy to post. Had a great day tho. Seeya in the morning. ( More F***ing quizzes ) -Lilly ... i can't feel it without you.

Today's Episode: woo, therapy today [27 Mar 2003|02:45pm] [ mood | artistic ] [ music | Ben Cousins-"Big Shell West Bristol" ] Not much to say, tweaked my layout and got a new background. Got some new icons too, they are cute, check them out. Went downtown yesterday with Freddy, had a grand time of it even though his spikes broke. =T_T= It was sad! Anywayz, got the Donna's CD, like I have wanted to for awhile. Hey, you cant beat $10. Went home around 5, rode his bus since he does not live very far away from me. Got me a couple good hugs(which I needed), and I admit, a few kisses. I would be lying if I said I didn't want more. *blush* I feel like a kindergartener. Moving on. Had to go see my therapist today. I got a lot talked out, and she seems happy with me for setting boundries and thinking about myself for once. Cant help but feel selfish sometimes, but I know it will make me feel better in the end. Also: San Fransisco in about 2 weeks! I think I am getting my choir sweatshirt next week too! *glee* I can only hope they are black, and the girls have told me that the design is really nice. WOO! But yeah... I am tired... g2g for now. -Lilly [1] smileing into the wind... i can't feel it without you.

Today's Episode: Take it... my heart [25 Mar 2003|01:11pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | Madonna-"Take a Bow" ] I've wanted to run away today. I don't really know what is wrong with me... maybe I am just getting a little bogged down from keeping everything under control. I guess I have relapsed into that dark place. Yeah... that dark place. Its probably from all those damn dreams that make no sense. Maybe I should not be paying attention to them at all and just move on with it already. Maybe I'm tired. So many maybe's. It hurts to listen to these old songs, hell, Madonna-"Take a Bow" makes me want to cry again. I feel pethetic. I have to write a paper on who I think I am tonight too... I dont know where to even begin. Feeling the pangs of jealousy hit my heart for no real reason again. I just see all these happy things and I get upset, I get jealous. I just wonder how I got so fucking weak so fast. I want to get the negitive away again and I want to be happy, but nobody can make me happy, its not a real thing. No one can MAKE someone be happy unless the person wants to be happy, at least thats what I believe. Maybe I am partially upset because I cant go to Sakura con now, but why bother worrying about that, there is always next year to go. I cant sleep anything off, I keep waking up or having dreams. How did I get so weak so fast? I just want to be held right now, no talking, just held. Fuck communication, I just want to be held. Why do I have to feel blah... >< I dont understand and I sure as hell know that others cant say they know what I feel because firstly I dont know what I feel and secondly everyone is so different from one another in the way they work that no person is the same in emotions. Nobody is ever the same in anything. There are too many degrees of difference. Just... I dont know. -Lilly [6] smileing into the wind... i can't feel it without you.

Today's Episode: Horsefeathers... [24 Mar 2003|09:49pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Metallica-"Enter Sandman" ] Long day, sleepy, goodnight. ( Quizzes ) And Im spent. ... i can't feel it without you.

Today's Episode: My Googlism [20 Mar 2003|09:31pm] [ mood | amused ] [ music | Bush-"Letting the cables sleep" ] lilly is dancing on the table lilly is unsatisfied with her lilly is a real lilly is going to learn the hard truth lilly is wonderful lilly is highly recommended reading by saigongirl lilly is this?? lilly is thinking of retirement lilly is a fit competitor lilly is unsatisfied with her vocational test results" lilly is a division of eli lilly and company and will define and implement the use of internet technology and new business models to radically speed up and lilly is well known in local theatre for her musical and acting abilities and is a frequent guest on radio and television talk shows lilly is founded as sole proprietorship lilly is dedicated to the discovery and development of the highest quality products that improve the health and well lilly is using technology that includes xml lilly is required to cause pcs to accept all discounts lilly is using webintelligence for strategic e lilly is supporting patient awareness lilly is among the top 3 realtors in mandeville lilly is looking for a family lilly is one of the most peaceful lilly is truly a mysterious being lilly is expanding the capabilities of its web sites to include more interactive components lilly is a bit ahead of schedule in his recovery from shoulder inflammation lilly is a nationally recognized leader in valuing and respecting people lilly is so angry she draws a nasty picture of mr lilly is full of fun and imagination lilly is always eager to make another child?s dreams come true lilly is a truly wonderful dog lilly is a 8 year old female lilly is defined by a commitment to innovation lilly is a leading innovation lilly is now using this scientific background in her watercolors of crabs lilly is a worldwide leader in the field of protein sciences lilly is expanding its functionality and vertical marketing initiatives lilly is pleased to offer its customers a lilly is pioneering lilly is a dream thank you jamb lilly is available from davidfryerstudios lilly is a beautiful cat in personality and looks lilly is a leader in oncology and is committed to providing comprehensive solutions lilly is an ideal partner for isis and this alliance has been a transforming event for the company and for the company's antisense technology lilly is pictures taking her first lilly is now its largest drug holding lilly is a global research lilly is subject to the provisions of 37 cfr § 1 lilly is committed to establishing relationships with third parties that support and enhance its internal capabilities and create similar benefits for our lilly is back in focus lilly is an adult lemon and white female in ohio lilly is willing to make an investment in colorado to show policy makers in the state that disease management programs save money lilly is back in wyoming after being caught in a compromising position with the chief justice of the california supreme court and his wife threatened to make lilly is five years lilly is committed to completely upgrading our e lilly is a team player in what is usually considered an individual sport lilly is dressed in a white long sleeved cotton tshirt and a set of pale blue silk dungerees lilly is a bright lilly is here lilly is leaving the first story in this episode has angelina and lilly is committed to providing answers that matter in medicine lilly is susceptible; her husband lilly is a proven mother with a history of exceptional cria lilly is dedicated to manufacturing and selling drugs that save and improve lives lilly is sired by ppperuvian inca lilly is value for money rodney c lilly is responsible for billingzone's trading network teams lilly is a nazi super lilly is a gifted explorer lilly is blind lilly is committed to investing in the success of our customers lilly is very unassuming lilly is lilly is so cute lilly is one on the most prized of all plants in a carnivorous collection lilly is rewarding us for supplying them with excellent graduates lilly is scheduled to lose its patent on prozac lilly is about a year old lilly is on the short list of companies that analysts and psychiatrists regard as most likely to produce the next generation of lilly is tied for the team lead in goals lilly is the all lilly is a leader in developing new medicines in this area as well as in endocrinology lilly is the first pharmaceutical company to solicit such research on the internet lilly is the best big sister before little julius arrives lilly is hier zo'n 6 lilly is getting out of the seconal lilly is involved in more than 100 research and development collaborations LoL! Well that was rather entertaining. I should do it sometime with my real name. I must go to bed, as I am still feeling downright poor. Goodnight. -Lilly ... i can't feel it without you.

Today's Episode: sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy [20 Mar 2003|02:52pm] [ mood | cranky ] [ music | TTT-"Evenstar" ] Im.So.Fucking.Tired. I was at my concert 'till about 10:15 last night brining things from the gym back to the choir room. Nyargh... sleep didn't come till about midnight after that. So I get up this morning, have a cough, and the worst cramps ever(Aww shut up, Im fecking female, deal with it.), I literally could not see straight. Took a couple pain pills at 4am, got up at 6 for a shower and still felt like shit. Took the shower because I thought it would help, and suprisingly it didn't. Thusly, I am home right now. I just find it funny that I fell asleep after my shower because my wet hair smelled good, go figure. *sighs* I was trying to watch a little bit of the war coverage... thing, on tv, but I kept getting distracted by the dog blood that was still all over the screen in my brother's room. =O.o= Don't look at me weird, I can explain. My brother was taking care of a friend's dog, Issac, for about three days. He came home with him and I was going to take him for a walk. Whenever you say walk Issac gets extremely excited. He ended up smacking the very tip of his tail against a dresser and through all the wagging got blood all over the tv, the wall, the door, the entertainment center, everything. I had some on my jeans, and I have yet to see if it has come out, I have to go wade in the laundry room to find them. Anyway, I dont even want to talk about the war, I really dont. I hate it, there, thats plenty for me to say. I have been debating for 2 weeks straight about it, so I am done. Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepyyy. =-.-= Well I think our rides for Sakura Con are taken care of... again. I get to go shopping with Lindsay and Jamian for my cosplay items this week. WOO! Yeah, one more day till spring break, I am so happy! *sighs* Sweet release. Blah... feeling lonely again... gah, Im a looser. I finished the boi's layout finally. It looks pretty good I think... course I always tend to do half-assed jobs most of the time. Jamie's right, lol, I need a man. *yawns* mebbie I should crawl back into my hole now. Bai Bai. -Lilly [1] smileing into the wind... i can't feel it without you.

Today's Episode: =O.o= [18 Mar 2003|02:40pm] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | Fellowship is playing in the background ] I actually did one of those quiz/survey thingies. I spent the whole time wishing it was over and wondering why my eye itches like hell... Wait a tic... FREDDY, YOU MUST BE THE HOE IN MY EYE! Just cuz JamAH is way too sweet to be that. Besides, you lewd boi, you would not mind. *reminds self to pimp him out asap* Anyway... ( Weeeeeeeee Quizzzzzz ) And I'm Spent. -Lilly ... i can't feel it without you.

Today's Episode: feeling the same [16 Mar 2003|03:52pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | Foo Fighters-"Walking After You" ] I _____ Lilly. Lilly is ______. If I were alone in a room with Lilly, I would _______. I think Lilly should _____. Lilly needs ______. I want to ____________ Lilly. Someday Lilly will________. Lilly reminds me of _______. Without Lilly _______. Memories of Lilly are ________. Lilly can be __________. Worst thing about Lilly is _________. Best thing about Lilly is _________. I am ________ with Lilly. I need to stop being so self distructive. If you are a buddy of mine, w/e, post an answer to this, even if you are not heavily inclined to post to my or anyone else's journals. -Lilly [7] smileing into the wind... i can't feel it without you.

Today's Episode: ... [15 Mar 2003|05:50pm] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | bush-"Mouth" ] Its not a matter of if, but when. Why could't they just say never? Amos. If someone stood up in a crowd And raised his voice up way out loud And waved his arm And shook his leg You'd notice him If someone in a movie show Yelled "fired in the second row, This whole place is a powder keg!" You'd notice him And even without clucking like a hen Everyone gets noticed, now and then, Unless, of course, that personage should be Invisisble, inconsequential me! Cellophane Mister cellophane Should have been my name Mister cellophane 'cause you can look right through me Walk right by me And nener know I'm there! I tell ya Cellophane Mister cellophane Should have been my name Mister cellophane 'cause you can look right through me walk right by me And never know I'm there. . . Suppose you was a little cat Residin' in a person's flat Who fed you fish and scratched your ears? You'd notice him Supoose you was a woman wed And sleepin' in a double bed beside a man for seven years You'd notice him A human being's made of more than air With all that bulk , you're bound to see him there Unless that human bein' next to you Is unimpressive, undistingueshed You know who. . . Should have been my name Mister cellophane 'cause you can look right through me Walk right by me And never know I'im there I tell ya Cellophane Mister cellophane Should have been my name Mister cellophane 'cause you can look right through me Walk right by me And never know I'm there Never even know I'm there -John C. Reilly "Chicago" My hand hurts so fucking much right now... I guess I should not hit things anymore... pain feels good right now though, at least the physical kind. The mental kind hurts just AS FUCKING MUCH as it USUALLY DOES. So wait a tic, that means I seem to be in pain ALL THE TIME. I am sick of being second best. I am sick of never liking myself. I am sick of never getting anything I want. I am sick of working so damn hard and getting nothing in return. I am sick of wanting to die because someone has ripped my heart out AGAIN. I am sick of feeling helpless. I am sick of not saying anything. I am sick of loving. I am sick of crying. I am sick of wanting him. I am sick of being second best. I am sick of being second best. I am also tired of knowing too much... I just want to know if I am really going to be the one hurt worse in the end of all of this. I am sick of trying anymore. I am just bothered that NOBODY tries to get to know someone anymore... Nobody takes time to know how I feel. The dont think I am human anymore. I just hurt... and I love him. I need to calm down, and call Jamie... -Lilly [3] smileing into the wind... i can't feel it without you.

Today's Episode: Its been awhile. [13 Mar 2003|03:58pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | Madonna-"Skin" ] Well, I get like this sometimes, and i dont post for awhile. You all still love me anyway, I know you do. *hugs* Well I guess there are things to post about. fredilicious <--- That would be Freddy, and he got himself a journal. I get to help with a journal layout, woo! So I got to take pictures of him. =^^= *looks at camera* Black and whites too... he is too cute, and I dont give a damn if he will kill me for saying that later. XP I am fallin for that boi more. *sigh* ><; I have about 17 songs that somehow remind me of him. Nyargh, all of my fave new songs are ear-tagged by nistolgia of him. I guess its not a bad thing... I really have nothing to be upset about right now. Strike that, I AM worried about Jamie, but I know that she is gonna get help now, and I guess thats all I can really do except for being there for support. Well maybe I should talk about why I am so f****** bouncy. I am just gonna post it for the hell of it, as I really dont think anyone is gonna care... Well maybe one person will, but he shouldnt. *smirk* I brought my digital cam to school Monday, and I had to get some pics of Freddy in order to make his new journal layout. Took the pics, but failed to really check them. So I get home, upload them, and lo and behold they are blurred since I did not check the manual focus. =><;= Pissed me off to no end. All ended well though, cuz he was online and I arranged to meet him at the park that is essentially right behind our houses. (Its funny, he is only about 4-5 blocks almost directly behind me). So I go up there, playing with my cam the whole time to make sure the manual focus was not gonna F*** with me again. He showed up just in time too, I had gotten done with my troubleshooting. =><;= Tell me something, why must I find the punk guys so cute? Is it a spike fetish or something? Or is it just him... I think its just him. Anyway, I think the arrangement worked out for the better, as instead of a blank in the corner I took the picks oh him in the corner of a chain-link fense. Much better, much better indeed. The black and white look really good and I have a good idea for a simple layout for him. PS: Someone remind me to re-learn Div layers, thanks. So anyway, took the pics, had him check em out on the LCD, and I assured him they would work fine, blah blah blah. I thought he was gonna take off right after that, but he didnt. We ended up goofing off on the basketball/tennis court for a few minutes. =-_-= He got the giant screw out on me, I still wonder why Jamie gave him that. *shakes head* Needless to say we almost had a sparring match that ended up with me getting "screwed" several times. Oi. Then he said he had to go home, and seemed... I dunno, maybe it was dissappointment that he had to leave, I'm not sure. So I asked for a hug, you know me, and I got one... I just didnt get freedom from it. =^^;= Not like it bugged meh, we both said we didnt want to go home. So what do I do? Kiss him on the cheek. Innocent gesture... that led to a return, then another... and then returns on the lips. <.< >.> SO WHAT! =._.= I'm happy right now, I cant help it... I am just still kinda in a shocky state, heh. Whatever, I am going to see a movie with him this weekend, so its all good. MEH. Have to end this, MUST END THIS. *blushing slightly* I refuse to sound cute. -Lilly [3] smileing into the wind... i can't feel it without you.

Today's Episode: A Requested Post? Odd... [03 Mar 2003|05:07pm] [ music | Eric Whitacre-"Little Tree" ] *contemplates making this a "friends only" post*decides that she will just get in trouble in one way or anyother anyway* Before I start, HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEVE! I think you were with me all day because I had a really good day. Perhaps I should say one thing about something that happened the other week. Jo and I really did not want to go to class, we were both feeling down and everything and did not want to show up 8th period crying. So what happens? Fire Alarm. We have since dubbed it a RAS: Random Act of Steve. We know you are still here for us Steve, and we love you so very much. <33333 Well, I was kinda commanded to update my blurty, even though I did its just on friends only. That was from Saturday though, early Saturday. Well, what can I report? =-_-= Nothing very positive. Like I said, I had a trippy good day today. Got to the table this morning and everyone was there, Jo, Aldo, Maia, Jon, Glen, Peter, Kevin, and even Eric, all hanging out and being funny and not caring about looking stupid. They were so lewd today, it was very interesting to say the least. I -would- say something Maia told me this morning, but since Aldo reads my DJ I feel that I just cant post it here because he cant know. <3 anyway, Aldo! *HUGS* =^.^= Talked to Jeff afterschool since he decided to come and abduct me as soon as I got off the bus. =-_-= *smites him* I don't want to hear about what I should and should not do about Freddy... Oh... thats right... >< how could I have forgotten that? Freddy and Marissa did break up, on Saturday... Oi. I have that overwhelming drive to become a bitch and it seems everyone wants me to do the same thing. I just don't feel right to want to be hitting on him and fawning over him like I always do in the back of my mind. =-_-= Sure, I don't have anyone to compete with now, but I still feel wrong. It happened Saturday... its Monday, thats two days... thats not much time for someone to be open to be reciving affection. I can't help the fact that I still really really really care for him... its not even funny how much I do but... I feel like a dirty little whore anyway. =u_u= Seems I have gotten good at feeling that way. Should I feel wrong? I really dont know, I just think that my friends might be wrong when they say that I am okay to do that... honestly, they dont know if its right anymore than I do. So Freddy, am I right or wrong? I ask you because I know you will be reading this, since you were the one who requested I write this. I dont care if its yes or no, I just want to know how to behave. <3 BTW, since you know I do. Maybe I should just end it on that... it will be better that way. -Lilly [2] smileing into the wind... i can't feel it without you.

Today's Episode: One other thing. [26 Feb 2003|07:13pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | David Gray-"Be Mine" ] Umm oops, forgot, I have some other news: I GOT MY DRIVES LICENSE YESTERDAY! *throws a party* That will be all. -Lilly [2] smileing into the wind... i can't feel it without you.

Today's Episode: A Dove in Therapy. [26 Feb 2003|04:16pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | J.R.R. Tolkien/Aijin Hidelias-"Namarie" ] Just now realized that I could have 6 icons here on blurty. =-_-= Intelligence with observation seems to be my weak point today. Well... Anything new? I went for my therapy appointment today, first time ever seeing a councelor. Sad thing is that I did not get anything out that I wanted to because my therapist pulled my mom in to help with a family tree. I thought that I was going to be fine just doing it myself, until I got in there and we started working on it. =-_-= I realize now why she needed my mother's help. Sure we outlined who was related to who, but also our bad habits. Lets see, 9 out of 10 of my closest blood are, or were, alchoholics. Not a very nice thing to know, I just thought the ones directly near me were. Just slightly depressing, then others have problems with drugs, heroin, pain killers. Just wonderful the things that are kept from a child. She did an evaluation on me, and it made me wonder. She said that I am exibiting symptoms of depression, but not enough so that I am clinicly depressed, and its probably because I am greiving. Secondly, I am close to having an anxiety disorder, but yet again, not severly enough to have to be treated. I just wonder over the next few sessions if she is going to change her mind, as I only told her about 1/2 of what is really bothering me. I mean the major stuff is out of the way, but only vaguely, there is so much I could expound upon, and I plan to do so. I just wonder if my personal inklings are right, and I really am ill. I think that would scare me, and in some odd way bring me some closure to what I have felt these past two years. I am abnormal, and I should accept it, right? As for my nightly visitations of cranial apparitions(dreams), I had one last night. =-_-= I just had to dub someone with a name from Greek mythology. Whenever I do that they spring up in my dream. Well, I mentioned Anemone last post, and he was in my dreams making quite a presence of himself. Its hard to remember what we were doing or where we were, but I am pretty sure we were perpusfully loosing ourselves in Seattle(Road trip I guess). So we were on the busy streets for a few hours in the hot sun, and we were having fun just being in eachother's company. Toward evening we found outself near a waterfront, and since I have not been to Seattle in a few years I don't remember if there is a nearby waterfront there. *shrugs* Oh well. It was getting toward sunset and we were just keeping one another company, being close like we sometimes get. Then kissed me, not once but about 4-5 times, and not just pecks on the cheek mind you, actual kisses with feeling. Thing is, my dream self was not at all worried about it, she was actually quite happy to recive the attention from him. Dreams like that have a tendancy to not be deja vu, just wishful thinking. It would be nice though, to feel special in someone's eyes again, feeling like someone wanted to give me a chance to get close to them. Then again, I remember how much it hurts to be hurt, and my desires flutter away. Dreams are but a dove at times, who takes flight in times of uncertancy. Sometimes, I want to be that dove who flew away from those who hurt me, and look back to see them hurting too. They never seem to hurt like I do. -Lilly I still <3 My Steve. [2] smileing into the wind... i can't feel it without you.

Today's Episode: Had an... interesting day??? [24 Feb 2003|04:13pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | Aerosmith-"Outta Your Head" ] I guess that is what you would call it... read it, whatever ya wish. ( My Day ) And yes, for once, I believe this song is more important than my ranting. Choose one, the song, the rant, well you will probably read both anyway. XP *mealoncholy hugs* -Lilly "There You'll Be"-Faith Hill When I think back On these times And the dreams We left behind I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed to get To have you in my life When I look back On these days I'll look and see your face You were right there for me [CHORUS:] In my dreams I'll always see your soul Above the sky In my heart There always be a place For you for all my life I'll keep a part Of you with me And everywhere I am There you'll be Well you showed me How it feels To feel the sky Within my reach And I always Will remember all The strength you Gave to me Your love made me Make it through Oh, I owe so much to you You were right there for me [Repeat chorus] 'Cause I always saw in you My light, my strength And I want to thank you Now for all the ways You were right there for me You were right there for me For always [Repeat chorus] [2] smileing into the wind... i can't feel it without you.

Today's Episode: *trying to rap in Japanese* [23 Feb 2003|01:17pm] [ mood | crappy ] [ music | Shinohara Tomoe-"Ultra Relax" ] "Letting The Cables Sleep"-Bush You in the dark You in the pain You on the run Living a hell Living your ghost Living your end Never seem to get in the place that I belong Don't wanna lose the time Lose the time to come Whatever you say it's alright Whatever you do it's all good Whatever you say it's alright Silence is not the way We need to talk about it If heaven is on the way If heaven is on the way You in the sea On a decline Breaking the waves Watching the lights go down Letting the cables sleep Whatever you say it's alright Whatever you do it's all good Whatever you say it's alright Silence is not the way We need to talk about it If heaven is on the way We'll wrap the world around it If heaven is on the way If heaven is on the way I'm a stranger in this town I'm a stranger in this town If heaven is on the way If heaven is on the way I'm a stranger in this town I'm a stranger in this town Kind of having a down day today... Had a dream about Steve last night, and all I know is that I don't want to remember stars anymore, its hard to remember them for what they really are though, all I have in my head is the spiritual representation they hold. I'm gonna drive myself insane. Had to take my saftey test for my lisence yesterday, passed, woo! My mom was getting annoyed with me because of my cough. When we got home I was just sitting around waiting for Marissa to call, then my mom comes up to me and says "You have an apointment with the doctor at 9:45." I looked at the clock, which said 9, and I asked if it was today, she gave me that "duh" look. I HATE hospitals, doctors, all of that, I HATE IT. Whenever I go there is always something really wrong with me and I end up on meds and miserable for a week. So I was looked at, and I have a lung infection, but it was not quite phenumonia yet, as most of it was located in my left lung. Joy. So they stuck me on Zithromax for the next few days. That stuff makes me sick. >< Sad thing is, I knew that if I let this go past Sunday I would have gotten seriously ill. I woke up with a sharp stabbing pain in my left sholderblade. First little inkling of phenumonia, its usually under the arm or in the sholder of the side with the lung most severe. I got up and went to the bathroom, hacked up some rather nasty stuff, blew my nose a few times and it went away. I kinda wish now they did give me the stuff with Codine in it, that way I could call in sick for work and sleep all day. That would be nice. *listens to Ultra Relax* I wonder if I can learn this in time for Sakura con. =X_x= Seems pretty impossible for my limited Japanese skills. *shrugs* What can I do? Meh. I will learn it. *dances too it* I think I can do it. Hey, if anyone just randomly clicks here and knows they are going to Sakura con, leave me a comment, lets chat about it. =^^= I gotta get going here, bai bai all. -Lilly PS: Anyone like my icon? hehehe << >> Smashied LoTR peeps. *giggle* ... i can't feel it without you.

Today's Episode: >_ [21 Feb 2003|04:15pm] [ mood | confused ] [ music | something on tv ] I want to talk to Freddy right now. I don't know why... I just do... God damn is tendencies to be an over-acheiver! I didn't mean that. ._. I'm sorry, Freddy. All I have to do right now is design my costumes for Sakura Con, and that reminds me of a dream I had. I dremt that I met Steve at Sakura Con, I was about 18, my senior year. I had actually gotten my manga done and I was cosplaying as my main character. Steve actually came as my other main character, which was ironic because I modeled my character after Steve. It was a great dream, I refuse to stop thinking that. *goes off to start planning* -Lilly ... i can't feel it without you.

Today's Episode: ... [21 Feb 2003|03:48pm] [ mood | drained ] [ music | Bush-"Out of this world" ] I ran away today, ran from the noise, ran away! Jon... told me to smile today... I just told him I could not, so he asked why... I showed him my binder. I stayed up till midnight last night making my own little homage to Steve. A picture of him, some personal dedications, and a song, Avant Garden by Areosmith. The sun leads the way, The moon lights the sky, I see you and I lying in my avant garden. I dream of the day When out worlds collide, We wont be denied, Here inside our avant garden. I have not been refering to him in past tense, and people have been confused as to why all day. I know I am just hurting myself when I say he is here with me, but he -is- here, right now. He can't die as long as I hold him in my heart, and nomatter what I do I dont think I could remove him from it. My father... He means well but I just -can't- try to make myself happy so soon. I -know- I will be better, but I just -can't- be right now and he does not understand. Even if it does hurt him to see me greve, I have to do it, and he can't deny me of that. I love Steve. He is not really gone, only in one sense. When I talked to him I didn't give a damn about not having someone to hold me and make me feel better because his words did all of that. I don't have someone who can make me feel like that anymore. Jeff holds me, but his comfort just does not work like it used to. Jon can't hold me, he was always too afraid of hurting me with his simple presence. Freddy can't hold me, I lost him to a relationship that has made him paranoid beyond words. To think about it also... Freddy reminds me far too much of Steve, and I know when I see him on Monday it is going to hurt me so bad. I wont let him know that it hurts me... Kevin is hardly around me anymore, and I miss him so much... Sure, I have my girls, but you know, sometimes its just not the same to have the girls about. They cry too... I want someone strong there for me, not that I am calling girls weak, but I can feel better if someone is not crying... I can bring myself back to normal faster. I need to call Jo, she was not at school today. That makes me worry. -Lilly Good afternoon loves, and my Steve ... i can't feel it without you.

Today's Episode: We Come Crashing Down... [19 Feb 2003|10:24pm] [ mood | shattered, heartbroken ] [ music | Bush-"Float" ] If there is anything you ever read that I type here, then pay attention now... I will never be more real, more raw as right in this moment. You shall never see me lower than this, unless it all happens again.. pay attention if you really care about -OUR- Lord Aragorn, Steven. I also understand if you just cant read about him anymore... I looked at his journal a minute ago... Then I remembered talking to him last week, showing him my photos from my winter formal, hearing how he thought I was beautiful in them... it just reminds me of how beautiful he was. ( Made of Steel ) ( A Story About a Girl ) Those are two songs that he gave me a few months ago, both by Our Lady Peace, saying in song what he could not at the time. I honestly don't know why he was so there for me all the time, it was like I had struck the greatest bit of luck in a point in life where everything else was taking a real nose-dive. I feel so selfish for never prying at him to talk about himself and how he was doing, it was always "How are you doing today, any better?" or, "Did something happen?" I just wish I could have been there for him more often, I know he needed support and I know I gave it but... But I still feel that I could have done so much more for someone that gave so much to me. Its so hard when your tears mean so much, then when someone will look at you and see nothing but salene and water flowing from your eyes and false love in your heart. That is what I fear about tomarrow at school, I am afraid that I am going to see that my friends are not really friends and write all of this off as melodrama. If they could have spent an hour talking with him, a few minutes, they would KNOW that Steve was just so special, so lovely that it makes me falter in speech. My friends all know how much I care for him from how much I talk about him, they don't really understand the type of love it really is. There are so many types of love, and the love that I shared, and others have shared, with Steve is one that is most precious... Its a love that was mutual, strong, genuine... Steve was my only solice for these many many sad months that seemed to bring nothing but pain. If you read my Dj on a regular basis, you have noticed that I have been getting steadily worse in demeanor. I hate to say this, but Steve kept me sane, he was always there with the right thing to say at the right time, and it was truth. He never lied to make me feel better, he was always honest about what he really felt about something. It was so hard to get him to tell us how he was, he seemed just that much more contented to make sure all of us were doing alright. I remember this one thing and I cry... I was talking to him one night, after my parents had been fighting and things at school were just getting worse and worse. "Steve, I just wish I was with you..." "I wish I could be there right now. I just want to be there to hold you, please feel better." "Steve, I want you to know that I am going to get a car and drive to Alabama soon to see you." "I would like that." "I just wish you lived here..." "I wish I did too." "I love you, Steve." "I love you, Koneko." I sit here, and I look at all the things on my computer that I have named as Koneko. Its hard to look at my own aim address, whenever I see it, even before now, I remember that conversation and just want to go and hotwire a vehicle and drive down there. Now I just see that I will be going to see something I never thought I would... and I don't want to think about that. I want to remember him for the man we all knew, who we all had our own little section of our hearts set aside for him. How much we loved him... God, Steve was the most loved person I know, and yet he was so unhappy sometimes that it makes me ache. Steve, I just wonder about the things we will never do. I made a promise to meet you, and when I promise things like that to ones I love I will fallow through. I would have seen you, I would have gotten to hold you, we could have really been there for one another like I wanted us to be. Our quiet relationship was one of the strongest friendships I have ever had... sadly it ended so fast... its just not fair. If there is anything I can say to you, My Lord, I hope that you are watching above me, still loving all that loved you here on earth. I made a playlist for you, out of songs just in my personal library, they are songs that remind me of you... I will remember you whenever I hear music it seems. I cant say goodbye, not yet. Goodnight, Steve, I love you. And goodnight everyone, you know that I am here for you, even if I am not here for myself. Talk to me if you need to. -Lilly Starlight, starbright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight: Show me more stars, I see him in them... ... i can't feel it without you.

Today's Episode: Kiss me baby, I'm vaccinated. [19 Feb 2003|04:25pm] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | Laws of Gravity-"Crashing Down" ] Not one of those sun-shiney days I am afraid. I have been sick with a cough for the past week and ITS REALLY BUGGING ME. =-_-= I just want to be healthy, is that so much to ask for, thankyouverymuch? Well Saki and Phoebe got me into the rpg and I am playing Morgoth right now. In fact you can get to him through my info page, since his journal is just morgoth. Otherwise I just feel really intelligent. *Rolls eyes* If there is anything that I can make clear about myself now, its that I am a bit of a dummy sometimes. I think I am going to revamp an OC character and have her play at this new RPG also. yay! -Lilly ... i can't feel it without you.

Today's Episode: So I am new, WEE! [18 Feb 2003|08:13pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | David Gray-"Be mine" ] I think I have been at deadjournal for over a year now *proud* I just thought I needed a fresh start and everything. By the way, if you are just randomly clicking by, I make icons and collect them, if you need one, maybe I will have one for you. =^_^= So yeah, I have my own community for journal help at DJ, and its going rather well if I do say so myself. I have some very generous members there. I also RP, but really I hardly have time anymore to. And I am so tired, I really need to go to bed, or somewhere near that! Night night! -Lilly ... i can't feel it without you.

navigation [ viewing | 20 entries back ] [ go | earlier/later ]