Vacation Day 3   
02:17pm 11/08/2004
  Breakfast with Sarah and sean in the garden.
Sarah drives to Badacsony--she does not like wine.
Got in the lake--got Derek on floating device.
Cold water, warm rain.
Sunscreen.
Lángos: dough spread out and fried in hot oil.
Garlic, sour cream, cheese.
Ice cream, crépes.
Building sand castles.
Bumper cars and buying silly things.
Derek on a pony.
Dinner at an open air place.
Driving home.
A movie, snacks, nuts, wine.
Making love.		  
     

(1 wing | Share your wings!)
 
Vacation Day 1   
02:16pm 11/08/2004
  This morning I woke up very early. I went to get the Angel from the hospital, have him signed out, checked on his tummy--tummy is always a problematic point--and then helped him dress and we hit the road. We went to our little summer home in Vonyarcvashegy, on Lake Balaton. The Balaton is the largest lake in Central Europe, with an impressive length of 77 km and width of around 6 km it is the home of several lake resorts, largish towns, little villages and one of Hungary's historic wine regions in Badacsony.

Vonyarcvashegy is on the very west of the North Shore, making it a pleasant swimming spot with its fast deepening water on the beach and classy restaurants. One of the traveling amusement parks usually stops in the village for several weeks, so that provides great entertainment to the kids as well.

Before we got there our friends Mikey and Sheridan were vacationing in our house for a week. They not only cleaned up after themselves, but they filled our fridge with all kinds of goodies, including a nice selection of alcopop, soft drinks, a chocolate cake, grilled chicken, and did I mention a brand new refrigerator? Sheridan got it as part of his Bonus, but they already had two... Some of the perks of working for a company that manufactures all kinds of things, from cell phones to refrigerators to televisions. I, on the other hand, get free sterile wipes! Now that can be useful, too!

Mikey and Sheridan also set the bedroom up for us: nice silk sheets, candles, aromatherapy burner, ready for some intimate time with the Angel... That lasted till the morning. But before that we went out to dinner. There is a neat little restaurant that we frequent when we can down the street where we had a fabulous dinner... and then we ran home, or rather I was running, pushing the Angel's wheelchair, having a blast, being carefree and happy.		  
     

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Vacation Day 2   
02:16pm 11/08/2004
  The Angels decided he wanted to be a tourist for today, so we decided to hop a semi accessible train. As we were waiting the Nostalgia train pulled up. As it was heading to our destination, Tapolca, I thought it would be great fun to take it. My biggest concern was the accessibility issue, which was solved by a makeshift ramp and some strong guys who helped lifting Derek onto the train.

The train is probably Hungary's oldest still functioning train from around 1900, complete with first, second and third class carriages. The train runs along the North Shore of the Balaton and stops at most every village. It is a scenic route and riders get a chance to drive the steam engine for a little fee for a few hundred feet. I had the opportunity to do just that and I had a blast!

Arriving in Tapolca we got to ride a carriage to a horse show were skilled horsemen proved that a horse in harmony with its rider can do pretty much anything. It was awesome. Derek got to pet the horses, which was a totally awesome thing. He is totally terrified by horses. So to make up for the horses I took him to the cave lake for a short row boat ride, which we both enjoyed immensely. Peeking in to the school museum we headed back to the train and went to the picturesque town of Badacsony--the historic wine region where we discovered that entrance fees to the lido were but a fraction of what we'd pay in Vonyarcvashegy, so we decided to come back some other time, but now, enjoying the fact that I wasn't driving we hopped one of the local taxis going to the wine cellars. Now these taxis are really jeeps. It was a very adventorous experience, and it could only be beaten by the excellent wine we got to sample at one of the many cellars.

Getting back down to the tourist part of the village we stopped by a nice cozy restaurant and had an excellent fish dinner. having had enough of riding the train we decided to take the boat to Keszthely and then figure out how to get home from there. We got lucky--we met an Irish couple, Sean and Sarah, who were renting a house just a few blocks away from us in Vonyarcvashegy... They offered us a ride.

Let me quote Derek... "And then we had some wine and cold cuts and pastry and then made love to burn some calories."		  
     

(1 wing | Share your wings!)
 
   
01:08pm 14/01/2004
  Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

( Where is God when I need Him? )

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

( A piece of Heaven on Earth. )

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.		  
     

(3 wings | Share your wings!)
 
The 5th Day of Christmas   
09:06pm 29/12/2003
 
mood: calm
I had a lovely parents-free day with my brother and as our parents decided to pay a visit to the lovely spas of Budapest and spend the night in that lovely hotel we visited last year, my boys and I are looking forward to a lovely night as well.

Darn, I can hear Marni Nixon sing 'Wouldn't It Be Loverly '. Yes, she was the singing voice of Audrey Hepburn. (OK, so I had to ask Derek about that.)

So yes, the parents left early for Budapest, leaving Travis home with me. No, Travis has not seen Budapest yet. Tomorrow I'll take him, I think. Anyway, today I took him to Vienna. He really enjoyed the sights, we had lunch at the Hotel Sacher, went to see Schönbrunn, saw the Stefansdom, had ice cream near the Cathedral, and enjoyed the music of street performers.

Travis had a blast. He rarely gets to do things like this today. Now you need to know that Travis was injured at birth--two of his vertebrae broke to pieces and his spine was injured. Now, at 22, he walks with two crutches and our parents are very protective of him. Oveprotective. And while Travis is a major overachiever, he would never dare to go and discover a city alone.

Travis and I talked a lot. He received a call to serve a mission, and he was supposed to go to the MTC in early January, but then again his doctor just notified the MTC that he would need another surgery before he should go. He is a little disappointed, but at the same time I think he is relieved. It seems to me he is wanting to serve that mission for all the wrong reasons. He wants to serve to please our parents. He wants to serve, because he has doubts about the Church. He wants to serve because that is what the girls at BYU expect. He wants to serve because his girlfriend told him she wanted to marry a returned missionary.

She wants to serve more or less for the same reasons I went on my mission. I told him that if these are his reasons he can be happy in the Church, raise a real family in the gospel, but these are not enough for a full time mission. He will suffer, even more than I suffered as I served in a lax and fun mission, where, if nothing else, the members made the long days worth. Not to mention all the "gentile" music we could listen to! Oh, man, my lovely musical collection!

My point is... I have been trying to tell Travis that if he doesn't have a testimony he simply shouldn't go on a mission now. What the bishops tell young men about surely getting a testimony in the field is just a pile natural ferilizer. No on really expects him to serve--not even Mom and Dad. Seriously, Mom seemed absolutely relieved that Travis wasn't going now. He has an option now to become bitter about the Church for the rest of his life or to make the best of his membership.

All this talk we had while I was having my wonderful Italian Espresso and he was drinking juice. There we were, my brother and I, a young, 22-year-old, faithful Mormon boy and his weathered, apostate, gay brother. I was trying to recall my pre-mission self and it did not work. I just couldn't remember that 19-year-old goofball who enjoyed shopping for ties and could not wait to master Hungarian. I could not feel the excitement, the fear, the expectations. My heart is not the same any more. It has been hardened and its youthfulness has long been gone. I feel so much older than I really am.

That is not necessarily a bad thing. I am just not as young as I would like to be. I would be more than happy to be Derek's age again, I'd definitely do things differently. But then again, I might have missed my chance to find Derek. And knowing him has been worth all the struggle. So no, I would not want to change anything in my past if I was given the chance. All is well... all is well.		  
     

(3 wings | Share your wings!)
 
   
04:20pm 28/12/2003
  Are there any other adoptees here? Well, this morning I got into a bad arguement with my father over my last name.

I was born a McCarthy, but for most of my life I was called by a different last name, which I am not telling you. Let's say it was Smith, a good, standard Mormon last name.I was never officially adopted, but everyone called me by that name, and my name was officially changed. The only place where you could find my real last name was my school records for the first few years. I went on my mission when I was 19. Some time later I had to come home for medical reasons. Around that time I was already questioning my faith and I knew I didn't want to continue my mission, even though the original idea was not releasing me and letting me continue my mission in the States. My bishop expected me to wear missionary attire including my nametag. One Sunday I told my father that I was going to ask to be released and he said, "If you remove that nametag now, that is the last time you used the Smith family name!" I said okay, took my nametag off, wrote a letter to my bishop to have my name removed from Church records (then thirty days later I threatened with a law suit), and on the next day I started the process to officially change my name back to McCarthy.

Ever since then I have been using my first name Kevin, though growing up I was called by my middle name, Brigham. Whenever I am near my parents they call me Brigham. I put up with that, but I get very upset by being referred to as Brigham Smith. That is not my name. No matter how hard I tried during the 15 years I was in the Smith family to be accepted as their natural children, it never worked. My (bioligical) sister Becca has had very similar experiences to mine. And while I always had a great relationship with my younger siblings, my older siblings always referred to me as their cousin. Now that I don't try to think of them as my elder brothers we are building a different kind of relationship: more like friendship. One of my "violently homophobe" brothers now lives in Slovenia, and we have been getting along great.

I just have no idea how to handle my parents. I think their neutrality is a blessing. They adore all three of the kids and so far there have been no negative comments. But they feel personally offended by my choice to use my birth name and to live with the person I am in love with. They won't let me close, no matter what and I no longer feel able to let them near me. I am stuck with a longing to be accepted and loved and a warning in my mind that I should not attempt to let them close.

I think I'll just go and read Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Again.		  
     

(1 wing | Share your wings!)
 
   
01:32pm 25/12/2003
  For a sweet poem about Santa's message to Derek, please visit Trap's Journal!  
     

(2 wings | Share your wings!)
 
Derek Update Mingled With Christmas   
11:34pm 24/12/2003
 
mood: blank
I skipped Christmas Eve Dinner.

Let me start in the beginning. I spent about two days with Derek and instead of coming home yesterday as I had planned, I came home at 6 a.m. this morning. It was hard to leave him, though at least he was asleep most of the time.

Getting home late meant having less time for baking and cleaning, and if you consider that I had an over-3-hour-long nap in the middle of the day you, dear reader, can imagine in what shape I left the house when I headed back to Vienna to be with Derek for a while. That wouldn't have really bothered me if my parents were not coming! Yes, the same parents who were so horrible last year. And I was supposed to meet them at Conan's and then they were going to spend the night at ours, in our bedroom to be exact. Having said that I have to say that when I left our bedrrom was a mess.

I stopped by at Conan's house to get the gifts for Derek and then I went to see him. Once again his will is keeping him going. While he is still very week and suffers from terrible headaches, he has a desire to communicate. Speech wears him out, he has a very hard time with it, so he has to use the computer for communications. He can manage a few minutes at once, which is better than what we expected. But no, he is not ready to carry on a long converstaion or to remain focused for over 30 seconds at this point. He is about where he was 4 days ago when his symptoms suddenly worsened. He is fighting to be back to normal soon, but it is not an easy ride.

Derek asked me to light a candle in memory of Justin, who passed away a year ago today.

This is probably one of the hardest Christmases for me. I will smile, but my heart quietly aches.		  
     

(1 wing | Share your wings!)
 
   
11:55am 22/12/2003
  I am extremely upset. Around 7 I got a call that during the night a spinal tap was performed on Derek. They did not call ahead. No. They just called me and told me that it had been done. What I remember from my own experiences is that spinal taps are rather painful, even if the patient is drugged up rather well.

After getting the news I got ready and came to the hospital, as my cold symptoms are gone, and found out that the thing I was not told was that because of rupturing blood vessels Derek lost a lot of blood and was unconscious. He is not exactly in good shape, but he does not complain. Yet I can tell he is having a monster headache. More news on our lives later.		  
     

(4 wings | Share your wings!)
 
An update   
10:18pm 19/12/2003
 
mood: contemplative
music: Some Primary Songs
I know I have not updated here for a very long time. It was some time in the fall that I last felt like I should write. My life has been a swirl of changes and new things in the last several months and, unlike morzsa, I can only write when my life is stationary. Derek's writing is in motion, he writes as he lives, as he feels, changes are reflected in his work, in his entries. His writing is like a river--rolling slow for a while, then speeding up, in constant movement. Mine is like a lake: confined to its place, standing in the same spot. He writes short poems and he can never finish his stories, as his stories go on, lives continue, there is no end. Because for him everything is connected and continous. The ways of god are one eternal round.

I cannot believe how many things have changed. First of all, my parents are coming and my parents are being nice to us. It is an incredible thing and as much as I do not like to doubt them, I wonder what their real motives are. After ruining last Christmas for all of us and making Derek's life miserable for months I do not understand this apparent change. I am a suspicous person when it comes to my mother. Yet I can't forget what my sister said, "They just realized what Christ would do."

Now that is an interesting thing to consider. My parents (here I am talking about my aunt and uncle who adopted and raised me since I was 4) are LDS. Mormons, if you prefer it that way. In our home I Am a Child of God, "I Believe in Christ" and "I Know that my Redeemer Lives" were sung daily. But I never really felt that the practice of forgiveness and acceptance were present in our home. Yes, the "Holier-than-thou" attitude President Hinckley always warns against was very much part of my upbringing. All our friends were Mormon. I was a good Mormon boy, going to seminary, hanging out with the "right" crowd, and not feeling that burning in my bossom during fast and testimony meetings, valuing the hiking more than the spiritual message at Boy Scout camps and realizing that I was different.

Charity never faileth. But when I sinned, there was no charity for me. Hate the sin, but love the sinner! Being shunned for something I was did not seem to be in accordance of the things my father so often reminded our ward of over the pulpit. We--they--read the scriptures daily. They still do it. Did it take nearly ten years for the message preached by a Rabbi almost 2000 years ago to beome more than words? I don't know. Only time will tell.		  
     

(1 wing | Share your wings!)
 
   
01:23pm 04/09/2003
  From: Céadsearc
Date: 2003. szeptember 4. 13:25:14
To: Kevin
Subject: Change of plans

My sweetest Prince,

I am so very very sorry about changing plans again. But I have to cancel Friday night. Not that I don't want to spend the night in your arms, but I just can't. Please, come as soon as you can.,.. And please bring the children. I want to see them once before Friday. So yes, the doc decided that we cannot give three more days to that tumour in my chest. So surgery is first thing in the morning.

I hope Craig can forgive me for not being there for his big day. I have to say I am devastated by it.

Sweetheart, I am terribly scared. The 7 weeks in remission were the happiest 7 weeks in my life. It was such a blessing to spend that time with you and the children. This is the one thing that keeps me going. Please know that I love you more than ever.

Love,
Derek		  
     

(1 wing | Share your wings!)
 
   
07:40pm 26/08/2003
  I believe I haven't updated for a while. I am now home alone. Completely alone. The twins are with their mother. Craig is there as well. Derek and Daniel are still in the hospital. Jim is at the lake with Hannah.

I am listening to the silence.

Silence.

Csend.		  
     

(1 wing | Share your wings!)
 
   
01:18pm 18/08/2003
  Oh, home, sweet home! It is great to be home!

Our three days in France were awesome.The children enjoyed the trip a lot, however for Craig Disney was just one of the many interesting things. I think Derek is responsible for that: he is the one who makes sure that Disney is not taking our home over. Actually Craig is just starting to talk about the Disney experience. He is more appreciative of the whole experience than just Disney. They loved the Small World ride and meeting with Disney characters.

The children now talk about their adventures, drawing and having fun.

I am Happy to be home. I am happy to have Derek out of cast, just his usual little cheerful self. But yet I know he is scared. Tomorrow will decide how our lives continue in the next few weeks.		  
     

(1 wing | Share your wings!)
 
   
12:45pm 27/07/2003
  angelslover

Today is Sunday. Craig decided not to go to Church with his grandparents, which is just fine by me. So this morning he came home. He is a bit cranky, my guess is that he was up late with his uncles and auntie. He also must have had some junk food, as he had a birthday party to go to in the afternoon, and he is hungry. The Angel is making him smiling sandwiches for him. Craig is now giggling as the Angel is making faces out of mustard and cheese. The Angel is such a good father.

Yesterday ended up being bad. I didn't get home till after midnight, and that made me very worried. I promised myself I'd never do this again. Of course every other time Jim would be home, or Mikey and Sheridan, but not yesterday, no.

I just got a new translation job, for one of the gay magz here. It is about gay themed reality shows, so very suitable for the anti-reality-show freak that I am.

Big Sister called in the morning. We talked for nearly an hour. I really do miss her. I miss talking to her about my boys, about my work, my studies, my passion and pain. I miss hearing about her boys, her job, her calling, her challenges. And most of all I miss talking about our parents.		  
     

(1 wing | Share your wings!)
 
   
08:29am 22/07/2003
  This morning is one of those. It is crazy. The phone is ringing off the hook, four jobs coming in, the last minute babysitter canceling on us, trying to figure out the logistics for the day.

The Angel didn't sleep a minute again. When I woke up and went to make some coffee I realized that he had painted the kitchen during the night.

My sister called. :-) She has discovered some letters from our father's mission. It is exciting.... Finally getting to know my parents. I was also surprised the other day walking in Vienna and seeing one of Dad's paintings in a café- I would have not noticed it if Jim didn't point out that it looked like Mount Timpanogos. Well, it was of Mount Timpanogos. I hope to buy it from the owner.

Ok, time for some breakfast.		  
     

(2 wings | Share your wings!)
 
   
02:11pm 20/07/2003
  The Angel says that I am the best thing in his life. I have serious doubts in moments like going to the bathroom at 3 a.m. and finding the Angel there crying from exhaustion yet unable to sleep, retreating to the farthest point of out house to avoid waking me up, and just crying because that was the only thing he could do.

And I never realized he was not on my side. I never realized he was somewhere else, exhausted, crying, needing me, needing me help, and I was not there for him.

I got him in my arms and carried him back to our bed. He was so weak, so worn, so tired, I am not even sure he realized I was there. I laid him on his side, popped his head up with his pillows and gave him his tiger, gave him a kiss, reached under his shirt, caressed and massaged his back, while watching his hands….

His arms and hands over the deep blue satin sheets looked so unbelievably white. His skin was so thin I could see every single capillary under it. His nails and lips were getting bluer by the second. He had stopped crying-he was starting to fall asleep. I got him his Oxygen, the electric blanket and kept caressing his back. Soon he fell asleep. It was around 4 a.m.

This morning I did not have the determination to wake him up. I also knew it would have been a hard job to get him out of bed and ready for the doctor's appointment. I woke him up just enough to get to the car and to the hospital bed. He woke up there after receiving enough blood to keep him going for a while. His first words? "Sorry for causing so much trouble."		  
     

(4 wings | Share your wings!)
 
   
02:33pm 17/07/2003
 
mood: thirsty
I guess today is a good day to update.

Today is the Angel's great-great-grandmother's 103rd birthday. We went over to the lighthouse for lunch and fun, but then the Angel got really tired. We came back to "mainland" and he is now asleep. Even though he is doing a lot better he is still not what he used to be.

I remember him as a silly 11-year-old at church. Being the only one who could play all the hymns on the piano. Sitting on the table in the Primary room, talking back to the Primary teacher. And I remember him a year ago when we first met as adults. True, he was already ill. True, he wasn't well then either. But he was a year younger, a year stronger.

It seems that we can start the business the Angel and the Boy dreamed up. I am excited about it, it will be nice to try our little team in this new situation. I wonder what we can make out of this oportunity.

God it is hot in here. I need a glass of water.		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
Birthday, the night, this morning   
11:44am 24/05/2003
 
mood: lonely
Yesterday was my 29th birthday. I am officially old now. It was a wonderful birthday. Derek woke me with coffee and fresh pastry. He had already gotten back from the hospital, and he was just his usual sweet self. Then Craig gave me my birthday present: a collection of drawings that Derek collected in an album. It was a beautiful gift. Then the Angel timidly presented a watch and two books and passes for the amusement park in town. It is a funky watch, I like it a lot. The books we have looked at together. Had lunch together... Then I took Craig to the amusement park... My Angel decided to stay home as he wasn't feeling well. Then I went to this restaurant with Jule and my brother Pep and brought food home... and we just had a little dinner party with the Angel and Craig.

Around 3 a.m. I woke up to Derek sitting up and then passing out. I took him to the hospital right away from where he was taken to Győr. I just got a call a few minutes ago that his brain activity is normalizing and he is sleeping... Good news....		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
   
07:32am 24/05/2003
  Dear Friends,
Late last night Derek passed out and hasn't regained consciousness yet. He was taken to the ICU of the hospital in Győr (35 km from us) where he is being taken care of. The cause of his coma has not been determined yet. Actually I have no idea what is going on. However I am strangely calm... whatever that means! The doctors say it is probably a self protective mechanism and say we shouldn't be worried, we'll get him back good as new.

Please keep him in your thoughts.

Kevin		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
   
06:44pm 22/05/2003
  It is getting to be too much. I need a break. no. Not right. We need a break. The Angel has been in so much pain that he was hitting his head against the wall. It was sad to see. He thought I wasn't there, so he felt free to hurt himself. I am scared of what he will do next when he runs out of ideas about how to reduce his pain. He worries me.

Last night we went to the midnight showing of the Matrix 2. It was good. The Angel was happy. And then... this morning he is just in pain and I cannot help him.		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
An update--Surprise!   
12:07pm 06/05/2003
  Justa brief one.

Things between Derek and I are okay now. Workling hard to resolve problems.

Craig is gettinmg his CI!		  
     

(1 wing | Share your wings!)
 
Why did i do this?   
12:38pm 27/04/2003
  Because I feel like we need to start all over again. From the first date.This is now new, this is now different.We changed. We need to start again. We need to make sure we both want this.  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
Finished!   
02:57pm 17/04/2003
 
mood: cheerful
Well, yesterday PM Medgyessy signed the treaty at the EU summit. And yesterday I finished work on the last EU related promotional material Conan had for me. How wonderful, now I can actually have a free Easter! Today is the big egg dying event, Craig, Gavin, Conan, derek and I making colorful eggs. It is a men's job to color the eggs this year.

I am a little worried about Derek today. He seems exhausted. So it is time to convince him to take a nap. Or at least get into bed with me and talk about books and movies and the EU and Ireland and all the things he likes. That's what we'll do! Official nap time!		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
Night out with Craig   
01:21pm 16/04/2003
 
mood: happy
So yes, I did it. I took a four-year-old to the movies and THEN to a concert! I did that to a DEAF four-year-old. We had a lot of fun, he liked the movie (Disney Matinee.. Lilo and Stitch this time) and then the concert as well, though he fell asleep towards the end but he really liked it. He was singing some of the tunes in the car and this morning he was trying to play them on the piano. He actually ended up playing a few new tunes... And yes, he practically has no hearing over 2000 Hz. I think this answers my questions about getting him a Cochlear Implant. This kid has talent. He just needs hearing...		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
Confession time   
11:22am 15/04/2003
 
mood: frustrated
Derek and I had a long talk during the night. It was atime for confessions. He and I haven't talked like this for a long time. It was a long needed talk. I neded to hear him express his feelings at last. It was a different talk from what we usually have. Derek was not depressed... Not any more. He told me he wanted to fight.

He gave me a choice that is hard to make. He does not want me to work. He just wants me to be home with him and Craig and just be there for them. Honestly, that is my heart's desire, but how can we manage? The Lord won't give us our daily bread. How can I tell Derek that what he wants is impossible?

He canceled kidney surgery today to be home for easter. I am actually very happy about that. I want him home. It is too hard without him, alone with Craig. Craig is really in love with Derek!

I keep working on the Easter napkins. They look nice, but not as nice as I want them to look. Mom is good at those things, not me.		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
I want to hold him... Love him... Comfort him.   
07:23pm 14/04/2003
 
mood: grumpy
I want to tell Derek that everything will be okay. That he can do it. That he can fight.

The cancer is definitely back in his only kidney. We just found that out today. I really don't know what to tell him. I know he is tired. Tired of the fight.

I wish I could just take this all away from him. It is so weird. I never knew him healthy. Every moment we have been together could have been the last one. And then a month ago I started to build dreams for the two of us... And now... nothing.

Tomorrow he is having a surgery in the evening, removing his kidney. Maybe that will stop the spreading of cancer. But it will mean no kidney for him. Dialysis. Special diet. No vacations. No travel. This will be hard on him. On me. On Craig.		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
Emergency   
10:36pm 13/04/2003
 
mood: worried
After getting home from the Zoo with our son I found my sweetheart unconscious, having seizures one after the other. His mother was there, she just went upstairs to take some lunch for the rest of the family, so it couldn't have been going on fo longer than a few minutes--still an eternity sometimes. He was taken top the E.R. where all of a sudden he was okay.

The last time anything like this happened was a month before his surgery... There will be lots of tests now... I am very worried...		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
Craig brought a nasty cold home   
09:54pm 11/04/2003
  And now all of us are sick. Nice thing about schools/daycare... You get all the latest germs!  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
CI   
08:47pm 09/04/2003
 
mood: accomplished
Well, today we went all the way to Budapest to see a pedoaudiologist, who suggested a CI for Craig... ASAP, on the worse ear... I am not sure what to make of that right now! I need a little research...		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
Relief   
04:16pm 06/04/2003
 
mood: relieved
Craig spent the night at the Angel's brother's and went to Church with them to see General Conference, so he won't be back for a while. Which is good for the Angel... He cannot resist Craig, and that is not really good right now. Today he stayed in bed and has been resting the way he should have done all week. He still looks pretty sick. He no longer throws up but is not well at all. The doctor came to see him and the Boy as well. The Boy had to go to the hospital because of having a high fever--some infection apparently.

I was just sitting by his bedside and holding the Angel's hand for asome time, talking to him, watching tv with him and watching him sleep. He is beautiful.		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
Great Day Out   
05:46pm 05/04/2003
 
mood: thankful
My son and I had great time shopping... We finally got those items missing from his wardrobe and then went to McDonald's with some of his friends and their parents for a birthday party. :-) It was great fun. Craig is a sweetheart and he is already starting to pick the language up!

Then we got home... And I immediatelly became worried. The Angel has not been feeling well the last two days. He was throwing up yesterday and he was just feeling very tired. He decided to sleep downstairs and wouldn't let me stay with him, but I could still hear him tossing and turning during most of the night. He was finally dozing off when we left. He had breakfast that stayed down, and things seemed to be better. But when we got home the Angel was just curled up in bed, very pale, with blood shot eyes, blood stains on his shirt and just very very weak. He said he had started to feel rotten about 40 minutes before we got back. His mother had already called the doctor, who came to check on him. He ordered complete rest. LOL. As if the Angel could rest... He gave him some sleep medication and put him on IV again.

Craig went over to the Angel's brother's with the Angel's mother, the Boy and his man are somewhere in Vienna, so it is only my sleeping Angel and me... I am trying to finish some work, so then I can just fix dinner for Craig and possibly give a massage to the Angel.		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
Happy birthday to Craig   
04:44pm 03/04/2003
 
mood: happy
Happy Birthday, Craig!

My son, Craig is now 4 years old! He is a BIG BOY!

I find working from home quite pleasant. I tend to work faster at home than in the office, leaving me more time with my loved ones. However I find it worrysome that the Angel has taken on the role of the home maker once again--too soon. He is still not doing too well. I hope he will slow down a bit....		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
Craig   
05:43pm 02/04/2003
 
mood: ecstatic
Craig is doing really well. I am surprised how well he is doing actaully. No talking about going home. No waking up at night. He is just having fun with his cousin Gavin, enjoys running with me and piano lessons with the angel and the new "pottery class" with the Boy, And today Granny (the Angel's mother) took him to see the kindergarten he will start attending on Monday... And he loved that, too. so far so good...		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
Rehab questions   
04:42pm 26/03/2003
  The Angel and I had a clash over his rehab options. But I was lucky to have the option of consulting his counselor as well as his therapist and they both agreed with me that the residential program would not be beneficial at the moment, so he is now leaning towards a daytime program. he is just worried about me having to take care of him AND the kids. However I feel like with the help for Jim and possibly the Boy (the Angel's twin brother who is once again doing really well) I will be able to handle the situation. In a few months we can consider moving in to a residential facility again...  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
Important things   
04:27pm 19/03/2003
 
mood: anxious
I talked to Big Sister today. She has talked to an aunt a few days ago... Yes, an aunt from our MOTHER'S side. She is from ROCHESTER, NY, and she said she would like to meet me while I am in town with my son in April! OMG, I did not even know my mother had a sister! And now I am starting to meet my REAL family... The one that I always longed to know...

Talked to the Angel online. He fell out of his wheelchair earlier. He said he had "banged his head on the floor", which makes me worried. His suregery was only 3-1/2 weeks ago. He does not need more injuries. Especially not to his head. OMG, this kid needs to be careful!		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
Empty   
08:21pm 17/03/2003
 
mood: empty
I feel so empty right now.

I was outside running, enjoying the relative warmth and the memories of the Angel, like our fun trip to New York and the good times in Hungary.... and then I got this little note. Maggie (little sister) had her baby this morning. She was stillborn. So perfect but dead. Life is unfair.

Today is also the anniversary of the death of my second great love, Jared. Jared, I miss you.		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
Running... Running... running   
11:35am 17/03/2003
 
mood: lonely
Wow, beautiful weather here on Tenerife. It is nice, pretty warm... No rain... I do a lot of running... enjoying the perfect weather for that.

I miss the Angel though... I will see him in a few days, and I hope he will be better by then... I cannot wait to see him!		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
Ready for the Sun   
03:34pm 15/03/2003
 
mood: depressed
The last few days the Angel kept me in limbo. He was fighting with his own feelings, trying to determine what it really was that he was feeling towards me. Gratitude? Love? Friendship? That, and the stress of my son's unexpected appearance in our lives have made me tired... my arthritis acting up, not liking the cold rainy weather... damn, I feel like a bastard going away now... only if for a few days... BUT I really need a break.. I need to recharge those batteries, and now, having this infection I cannot even visit the Angel.

( And I keep rambling on )		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
Blah   
03:29pm 13/03/2003
 
mood: blah
So today I cannot see the Angel at all. Blah. I hope tomorrow I can. It has been hard to go without seeing him.

I am getting anxiety attacks again... Everything is just getting a little bit too much for me. May I please take a break from reality?


( The Angel sent this to me a few days before his surgery....  )		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
Going home....   
02:28pm 12/03/2003
 
mood: excited
After seeing the Angel yesterday I was going home singing, jumping, being happy happy happy. It was just a perfect evening.

Earlier I had found the Angel's wedding ring that had been missing for some time, and bought it back and took it to him. He was happy about it. He wanted to put it on, but his fingers are so skinny again that it kept falling off.

And then the Angel asked me, "Would it be okay if we didn't have sex for a while after we went home?"

First I did not understand the hidden message but then it dawned on me... The Angel wants to come home with me! And he wants to raise my son with me... Craig, the son I have never met might end up living with us as soon as school gets out. More on that as the story unfolds...

I have been talking to Big Sister online quite a bit... We are trying to find out more about our parents...

OH, by the way.... I am sick... caught something... most likely from the Angel...		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
The Angel's Morning   
01:28pm 11/03/2003
  I went to see the Angel in the morning. When I got there I was greeted by his doctor who told me that the Angel is now awake up to 6 hours a day.... sometimes as long as two hours straight! It was the best news I could hear! I was really happy to see that he was indeed awake. It was awesome to hold his hand and talk to him. It was great to see that he finally decided it was worth trying and he kept yapping...

He seems a little better. It seems his pneumonia is retreating and he is getting stronger... The sparkles are back in his eyes... He is winking a lot and is being his jolly old self, the little elf we all love! Pain? yes, he is in pain. Limitations? Yes, they are there. He cannot speak understandably, he cannot sit, walk, or hold a glass, but the Angel is happy... He is happy to be alive. He is happy about coughing--it is cleaning his lungs. He is happy about juice poured on him--he was trying to drink for the first time since the surgery. He knows he is loved...

He still does not remember me, but there is a bond between us. I cannot explain how it started again, but it is there. And that makes me believe that summer will come... and that I can be happy once again with a special Angel on my side...		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
The Night   
03:23pm 10/03/2003
 
mood: happy
After deciding to spend the night at home, watching the Boy, I ended up going to the hospital to be withe the Angel again. I was lucky, he was just waking up when I got there and immediately started yapping. It was so sweet of him. He was telling me about his toy tiger, about the doctor, the nurse signing his cast, everything. I think it was not that hard to understand what he was saying, of course I had lived with him for 6 months--some of those he had serious speech problems.

He said, "You are the only one who always understands what I am saying." He held my hand while I was telling him some of the time we spent together... Well, it is hard to sign with only one hand! But it is a beginning. He is looking forward to seeing me each day now... And that makes me HAPPY.		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
Sleepless disaster   
02:00pm 10/03/2003
 
mood: angry
I went out to dinner with the Angel's twin... The Boy. He was wonderful, sweet and innocent and fragile, just like the Angel. It made my heart ache, I wanted my Angel back. Being with the Boy has so far been fun and exciting, but now it is becoming painful. He reminds me of his brother so much I cannot take it. It might be his illness now, that distinct radiance of young cancer patients. His thin hands, the look in his eyes... It was painful and I could not handle it as he was so close to my Heaven... But it was all fake, it was the boy, not the Angel.

( Night out )

After the DINNER and MOVIE we came home and the Boy was feeling ill, so I made him lie down, tucking him in, giving him a good night kiss, as if he was the Angel. Then came the big surprise of Tyler StMark being online. How I admire that man for all the things the Angel has told me about him... For his talent and his PASSION!

I cannot take it any longer, I have to go to see the Angel tonight...		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
A New Beginning   
10:00am 09/03/2003
 
mood: hopeful
I died, resurrected and was taken to 7th heaven in the last few days. And now I am back here. Starting a new life in which the Angel might have a different role... In which I might do something different yet again.

In this life I will let my memories come forth. In this life I will have to find out where I come from and where I am heading. In this life I will fulfill my dreams.

I am an orphan. I was raised by my aunt and uncle, who would never admit that I was not born to them. It is just the new beginning of my life that I admit... I am not what the world thinks I am.

I went to see the Angel during the night and I told him I was going to go after who I was. He just winked and gave his approval.		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
Calling Becca   
09:51pm 08/03/2003
 
mood: curious
I finally called my big sister today. I had a rather heated arguement with my mother yesterday about whether at 28 I have the right to find out about my REAL parents (how weird to say that) and actually I called her a thief for taking all the pictures, photos, journals, scrapbooks and memorabilia and never sharing them with us. I wasn't sure about it really, but I was angry and I felt cheated out of my past.

Then, this afternoon I called my sister, Becca, and it turned out I was right! Our mother showed up at her place at 7 a.m. dumping a big box labeled "McCarthy Junk" and Becca was so sweet to scan a few photos for me... OMG, I had a cildhood after all!!!

I need to go now... will be back later...		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
Past, Present and Future   
05:16pm 08/03/2003
 
mood: hungry
Yesterday i had an interesting conversation with the Angel's friend Chris. It opened up a little hidden drawer in my heart... Making me realize that changing my name back to McCarthy did not make me a McCarthy immediatelly.

Yesterday the Angel told me he loved me. I was in 7th heaven when he did that. Oh, how I miss him... I want to hold him in my arms, just rocking him and whispering sweet nothings... I miss my sweet man...

There was so much I wanted to write, but not now, I cannot do it. I will need to find something to eat, and maybe sleep a little. While the Angel is so sick I cannot see him anyway. But I don't dare to sleep... Bad news always come while I am sleeping....		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
Better and Better   
01:17pm 07/03/2003
  I am better now... After the Angel finally not hating me. He actually asked me to go back twice yesterday. I am going back for the night again...  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
Today   
05:22pm 06/03/2003
 
mood: bipolar
music: Chopin
...would be a good day to die. No one would miss me. Definitely not my parents. They never did miss me. Daniel just announced that he is moving out and thanks a lot, but he did not need my help. And Derek... According to him I am fat, ugly and old... He doesn't want to see me again... ever again. This is just all messed up, he wanted to see me, so I went there this morning... Went to see him... And I shall never forget the disgust on his face when he saw me...

No, I am NOT suicidal, but I am sad. I am not giving up hope yet. I so love him, and I believe that maybe... somehow.... he will like me at least a little bit. If he won't... Well, then he will love someone else and he will be happy. But I want to believe he will love me.

I am not going to get drunk, that would not make anything better. But I will go and find a gym and work out, so I won't be that fat. And I am going to stay away from him for a few days and play tourist in London, live up my last paycheck and... enjoy life.		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
Today's SuperValue Tour: To Hell and Back. (Bring Susnscreen!)   
04:10pm 05/03/2003
 
mood: depressed
I am drunk.

Yesterday I had an appointment at American Clinics, Inc. after work. While there I got a call from the attorney of my cutie's parents that they were going to sue me for poer of attorney. I went home, thought about, called my brother, who, in turn called an expert on international law and told me that all that was going to happen was that I'd lose and have to pay big money too. So i signed it over to them. Within 30 minutes I receive a restriction message--I cannot visit Derek any more!

I get up in the morning and get a call that I am fired. No more job. No savings. No work permit for Hungary.

But at least his parents decided it was morally wrong to keep me away from Derek......		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
On this, the third day of March, Kevin Brigham McCarthy   
09:57pm 03/03/2003
 
mood: lonely
...is not feeling well. He thinks it might be his arthritis acting up. Or that ulcer again. Or that he has not been taking his medication. Or that he is so very lonely.

...slept 7 hours, waking up too late to take the Angel's twin to Budapest for his chemo, so now he feels rotten about it.

...spent 35 minutes in the bathroom pretending to be shaving and crying like a baby, thinking of his sweetheart. Thinking of how he might lose the man he loves the most because he might not remember Kevin Brigham McCarthy.

...was online chatting with Brandon and Brandon said what is in the previous entry and it made Kevin Brigham McCarthy think. It made him think of the eternal nature of the Universe. Of the God he does not believe in. It made him think that no matter what happened he was still connected to the man he loved the most. There was a part of him in his sweetheart and a part of his angel in him. And it made him calm.

...was online chatting with Rob and finding out about fatherhood.

...is at work and has nothing to do.

...is very very lonely and wants to hug someone....


...is crying once again, thinking of how much pain his little angel had to endure. He is reading about hospice and pain management and does not understand why his little man had to go through all the pain he has been experiencing. He is now mad at doctors and angry with himself for not knowing earlier how to help.

Derek, my sweet prince, I miss you so bad. Please know that I love you.		  
     

(Share your wings!)
 
 
brigham
 
 
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