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Saturday, August 2nd, 2003
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1:06a - Time for some self-reflection
After much consideration, Laura and I decided not to go to the Woodlands. Instead, we went to the movies. We saw An American Wedding. It was very funny with a tad of depressing thrown in. Let me tell you why it depressed me. I will be the first to admit that I am a rather dependent person. I allow myself to be defined by the people in my life. Right now, there is no man in my life and this worries me. All of my friends are pairing off and getting married and I want to partake of this milestone in life. I, however, am much, MUCH too picky. I have all of these guidlines that define the man I will marry and, even if he did exist, he would not want anything to do with me. Here goes:
1. He must be Catholic. I know, I know, so many people marry outside of their own religion but I won't be one of them. He also needs to agree with the laws set forth by the Church. Granted, I am not the best Catholic out there but I find their "rules" to be something that should be observed and respected.
2. He must have the same, if not better, education as me. When we are old and haggard, I want someone I can have a conversation with. I don't want a high school drop out who is working 3 part time jobs to make ends meet.
3. In addition to # 2, he must be successful. I want to be a stay at home mom, so he needs to be able to provide for his family. I refuse to send my kids to public school and I want to live in a nice house in a good neighborhood and all that takes money. I am not a gold digger but I am also not white trash.
4. He has to want kids. I want at least 2. And he must be willing to adopt because I am NOT giving birth.
5. He needs to come from a good family. I will not marry someone who comes from trash. My family can be screwed up sometimes but we are all respectable.
6. I am opposed to divorce so he needs to be in this for life because I will never agree to a divorce. I would rather stay single than marry a guy who would want a divorce in 10 years.
As you can see, I am being unrealistic. This man does not exist. And if he does, he does not live in PA. All the guys I meet want sex and that's it. Once I stopped wanting to simply "hook up" guys stopped calling. My last "boyfriend" Kevin didn't work out because we weren't on the same track in life. He wasn't ready to get married and I was. I told him I wanted to be married right after college and he freaked out (I was a junior when I told him this). He said he just wasn't ready (plus he had a girlfriend who wasn't me). Other than that, he fit the criteria. I don't know what to do anymore. I am not happy without a guy in my life and I know that sounds so pathetic but it's so true. And I refuse to settle so I guess I am fucked. This isn't fair at all. Some of my friends are such losers and they have guys. It just isn't fair. I know I can be neurotic sometimes but I think I am a lot better than them (not to be mean or anything but it is apparent that their relationships are all fucked up).
Off to sit on the couch and be depressed.
current mood:  sad 2 crash into me | crash into me
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1:11p
I forgot to mention last night that Jermain and his nasty ass girlfriend work at the Cinemark. If I saw them there I would have puked and then beat his girlfriend to a bloody pulp. But they were not there. I guess that's a good think because, last time I saw him in the grocery store, I started crying right there in the cereal aisle.
Today was a bit better. I got up at 12:30. Not too shabby. My aunt wants me to call her at 4. I need to do Tae-Bo and clean and I do not want to be interupted by the phone.
Laura had some bridal shower to go to today so I guess I won't be talking to her, at least not until later tonight.
I am going to a party at Poo's house tonight. I guess we are doing power hour and some assorted drinking games. This should be fun.
Off to Tae-Bo and clean. Yipee
current mood:  busy
current music: "Remember Two Things" ~ DMB 2 crash into me | crash into me
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9:09p
I am not one to buy into horoscopes (I think they sort of go against religion) but this is mine for today:
Today it is important that you make your own decisions and stick with them, dear Libra. Much as you prefer to depend on others, it is really your own judgment that is best. You will be paralyzed if you think only of how others will react to your decisions. You really do know what is best, and everyone will benefit when you act upon your beliefs. This is no time to be wishy-washy. from yahoo
I told my aunt today that I was moving soon and she started bawling. My grandparents freaked out and my mom refuses to believe me. I know I need to move but I feel like an asshole when my family gets all upset. I know I have to do what's best for me but it is hard when no one supports you. Even my friends are like, no don't leave. The only person supporting me is Laura and I think the only reason she is is because we are moving together. When I told her I wanted to go back to MA she said I shouldn't. Geesh, I need more supportive friends.
In other news, I didn't do much today. I was supposed to go to Jenny's party but decided last minute not to. I'm not really into house parties anymore. Besides, her and Jeff would fight the whole time and it would just be bad. And I think her sister (she is 15) was having friends there too and I just don't want to deal with that crap. So I stayed home and watched Buffy and now I want to go do my nails.
I looked into this whole pinched nerve business. I guess in order to diagnose me, the doctors will have to do an EMG. This is a really painful test where the stick needles into the affected area and then electrocute them. My mom has had like 3 of them and she said they hurt. This test also sounds expensive so I don't foresee me having it done anytime soon. I doubt it will go away on its own because it has been like this for more than a week and has not improved. So to fix it I would need physical therapy, something that is also expensive and something I can't afford. My mom said she would pay for it but I don't like pain. Until it gets worse and more painful I will be leaving it alone.
Tomorrow looks pretty boring. My mom might come over. I might go to the Woodlands (it is oldies night. It is a good night to let old men buy you drinks).
I am off to veg and do my nails. Tata.
current mood:  artistic 5 crash into me | crash into me
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