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Friday, October 30th, 2009
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12:35 am
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I have a question for you, my dear.
If the ocean drug me out to it's very end, would you attempt the rescue?
And our fate is sealed, it's inevitable.
But no matter, oh, it's no matter.
What is lost can never be found.
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12:34 am
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Autumn brings a cold, hurtful breeze with it as it enters into our lives. People go around asking themselves "who broke this young girl?" and the answer is simple. Cram yourself into someone's life, and make yourself fit. You left me broken and alone, lying on the a dirty bed we made together. As I cry I wonder what happened to every promise, every word. They were erased by anger and words I never meant to say. It's a slap in the face, it's the worst weapon. A lie, a slip and now the truth is out. You're alone again and it never feels okay no matter how much you convince other people it is. Scream, girl. Pray for tomorrow. Just don't ruin your life. Ruin his.
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| Sunday, November 16th, 2008
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11:46 am - What I need?
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"I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding." ~ Anais Nin
That about sums it up. Lol.
current mood: content
current music: Missy Higgins - Where I Stood.
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| Thursday, September 11th, 2008
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5:48 pm - Nonono.
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"Odi et amo quare id faciam fortasse requiris / Nescio sed fieri sentio et excrucior."
It's a poem by the Roman poet Catullus. Translation into english is: "I hate and I love. Why would I do this, perhaps you ask?
I do not know. But I feel it happening and then I am tortured." My 'husband' had it as his headline on my space. It's kind of ironic to me that it would be on his profile, when that poem describes with every syllable exactly how I feel toward him. It eats me up inside. It haunts me. It ruins so many things in my every day life, my relationships, friendships. I've allowed so many things to fall apart because of the pain Jeremy put me through. I don't think it's fair to the people impacted, much less me - but I'm sure I'm just paying for some bad thing I did, karma's catching up to me like it always does. I'm tired of missing a man who treated me like dirt and being a bitch to a man who tries to make me happy and show me how much he cares about me. Two things my bastard spouse never even attempted throughout our entire marriage. And yet, here we are. I'm thinking of him, wishing I could talk to him. Is there not something seriously fucking wrong with this picture?
therapy plz.
current mood: bitchy
current music: Silence.
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| Saturday, August 30th, 2008
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9:42 pm - Pretty much over.
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•you werent a waste of time
just a harsh realization that
i c o u l d do b e t t e r.
•Single and living life to the fullest. Yeah that’s me! No man is gonna take my privileges away, not even if it was meant to be.
•Still getting hurt over and over again. No more stressing and obsessin. From now on I’m having fun and refusing to give my heart to anyone.
•I guess to some extent you get used to being alone. You get used to not expecting phone calls and having nothing to do at night. You don’t expect to turn around to open arms any longer. The small sounds of him have been replaced by silence. Your thoughts echo through your head with no one to share them with. Overall being alone isn’t terrible. It just hurts like hell
•&& You never stop loving someone, you just learn to live without them.
•Just because you don't [love] her anymore, doesn't mean you can treat her like you [never] did.
•She tore all of those pages out,
She ripped out those roses out of the vase,
She ripped all the pictures out of her books,
But she can't rip those memories out of her mind,
Or you out of her heart.
•He didn't just ((break)) her heart.He broke her soul and her dreams. Her pride and her smile.He ruined everything she had ::become::
•and for once in her life;
she just wants
someone to be afraid of losing //her//
•You get used to it. It may suck at first, but then you just feel it over and over and over, and suddenly, it's all flying past you. Suddenly, you don't see anything or feel anything. It's all numb to me now. Even you.
•[Because of you] I never knew I could [lie] so good.
•her laughter :: a cry for help..
her smile :: a symbol of her insecurities..
her tears :: the reality..
current mood: drunk
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| Monday, August 25th, 2008
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5:05 pm - Pointless.
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I wake up feeling suffocated every single morning. I have to forcefully keep myself from jumping on a plane headed to any far away place. I hate everythig and everyone around me. Every store, person, fast food joint. Every street sign, every highway, every stop light. The urge to run away is consuming more of my soul every single day. Nothing is good enough for me, nothing makes me happy. My smiles haven't been genuine for some time now, and it hurts that I have to lie to the people around me in order to save them from confusion and pain. I don't understand it myself, how can I successfully explain my thought process to someone else? He's going to think it's his fault, that he did something wrong - that he wasn't good enough. I hate to think of him going through that, I've been there. Feeling like a failure, like you let that person down as well as yourself.. it's heartbreaking. And it's not fair, none of this is. I don't understand why it's so damned hard for me to just be content staying in one place. With one person. One, consistent life. How is it that I can want something so bad.. yet, that same thing makes me miserable?
He deserves more.
I think I do too.
current mood: crappy
current music: She Wants Revenge - Tear You Apart.
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| Friday, January 11th, 2008
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10:19 am
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Each day that I don't hear from you, it becomes easier to move on. The saved emails have all been deleted, the pictures locked away and ignored. My memory hasn't faded, but my heartache has. I won't let you control me like this anymore. I'm better than that, stronger than this. You've held such power over me for long enough. I love you with every part of me, but my soul you will not take. My heart has been broken by you far too many times. I wish you well, but I'm no longer sad to see you go. I think I'l l recover just fine from this - there are lessons to learn from every pain we endure. In the future, I'll be better because you walked away from us. I'll never forgive you, but someday I'll thank you.
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10:18 am
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And today, sitting at my kitchen table, mind wandering again - I was able to finally find something that didn't remind me of you. I suppose that's progress right? Means I'm finally making that step toward moving passed this.
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| Friday, March 9th, 2007
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1:48 am
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I will be leaving this journal and writing in a new one.
Starting my life over, so I'm starting my journal over as well.
embers_n_ashes <- New journal.
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| Thursday, February 8th, 2007
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4:44 pm - Confusing.
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Jeremy proposed to me, in a nonchalant way. Says he sees no bad coming from marraige, and it'd help us save up for the big wedding we both want, later. Not to mention it'd help he and I be closer, since his rank doesn't allow him to move off base unless he's married. When he brought the idea to my attention, he was talking as if it were some sales pitch on how to increase the size of his checkbook, and it offended me. But I know he loves me, and he's the logical thinker in this relationship, while I am the blind romantic. He wants to ensure our financial future so that he and I will be able to do and see all of the things we've dreamed about, while he was away and we were unable to be together. Now we have that chance, or we will pretty soon, and .. I really do want this. But then this morning he sent me a text message saying "I may have to end this for a while." Completely shocked, all I could say was "Why?" He said something about how everyone was right and he was a depressed, alcoholic, fuckup. It hurt to read that, but I can't say that I disagree with it. I'm a bit confused as to why he needs to break up with me in order to fix his issues, but I think it has a lot to do with being afraid of me walking away if he was to push me too far. Not that I see that as an option unless I walk in on him fucking my best friend. Yeah - that's how bad it's gotten. I'd do anything for him and our future. He hasn't called me yet, so I'm not going to panic, but It's becoming more difficult to stay calm the longer we don't talk. I know he's busy at work, I just -need- to reassure myself that he's not going to leave me, I guess. I actually texted that to him later on, "Please tell me that was an awful dream and that you'd never leave me..?" He responded by saying "Leaving you?! No! That was never the intent." Made me feel a bit better but it's just.. you can't discuss marraige with me and then turn around and say you may need to end us for a while.. ugh. I understand completely why he may need time to focus on improving himself before he's able to worry about keeping up the relationship, especially with the pointless tiny arguments we've been having lately, but being seperated from him in any way just scares the living shit out of me. I feel like a piece of my soul was ripped off and sewn into his, it's physically painful when we're not talking, let alone not being in the same state..
Ugh.
Missing someone is such an indescribeable and hollowing feeling.
current mood: stressed
current music: 3 Days Grace - Gone Forever.
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| Thursday, February 1st, 2007
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8:42 pm - Is there anyone that fails, is there anyone that falls?
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I am so bloody confused all of the time.
I hate you, but I love you.
I want you, but I wish you'd fall off a cliff.
I need you, but you disgust me.
You love me, but you've destroyed me.
You want me, but you can't keep your hands off of other people.
You need me, but you push me away at every turn.
All I've been doing lately is waiting for him to call, reading fanfiction in hopes of drowning out my thoughts, and looking up lyrics to fit my mindset at the time. One minute I'm like "Hey, I need some quotes about being in love and being happy." Next minute, "I had a fucked up day, need some quotes about mindgames."
I'm just as confusing as he is. Maybe that's why we're so fucking perfect for eachother. We're just as bipolar as the other, maybe we balance eachother out perfectly. It all sounds so wonderful in theory - but what's going to keep me from shooting him in the forehead? And how am I ever supposed to trust him again?
Believe me when I say that I have heard it all. I know what's the healthy decision would be, but it doesn't matter. It would take a hell of a lot more than rational thinking and logic, to tear me away from that man. I don't know when it happened, but he became a part of me, and as much as I've tried to push him away and pretend otherwise over the years, he and I are connected in what is seemingly, the worst and most unpleasant way. But he holds the key to everything I want and need out of life, so perhaps I'll get lucky and things'll work out?
He is offering to pay for me to fly to Kansas, where his permanent post is, and back, as well as a hotel room for the weekend. And he's also offering to Western Union the money to me, so that he wouldn't even have to know which Hotel I'd be staying at. He and I are going to have a hell of a time trusting one another again.
He is on his way to his permanent post as we speak, having just left his last layover. I'm excited for him, I think that life and his job is going to be a whole lot less stressful now that he'll be at his permanent post. No longer will be the bitch, but a real U.S soldier. I am more proud of him than I could ever express, though he doesn't understand why. He seems to think that anyone could make it through Boot Camp and training to become a soldier, but that's not my reasoning. It has more to do with the fact that he got up and devoted himself to a purpose, deciding to do something with his life. I'm still living at home, and bitching about it. Yeah, I have an interview on Monday, but if I wouldn't have fucked up my eduation in High School, I'd be a lot further right now. -Shrugs.- Guess you have to work with what you have, though.
Steven's on, so I'm going to go make fun of him. ;x toodles.
current mood: blank
current music: Staind Glass Masquerade.
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| Tuesday, January 30th, 2007
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1:22 am - Yay!
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-- Here are a bunch of sad/heartbroken/some-what depressing quotes. Let me know if you like 'em and I'll post more, under different categories if you want. =) Sorry in advance for repeats. None by me, unless clearly stated. --
If he's dumb enough to walk
// away \\
be smart enough to l.e.t. h.i.m. g.o.
I like {dead end signs}.
I think they're nice.
They at least have the decency to let you know that you're not going anywhere.
What you don't know is that after
everything that happened I still go to
bed with tears in my eyes.
Someday, we will be together again
and maybe, it will work that time.
It's too hard to let go and tonight made me
realize that I can't, not ever. I'll just have to wait.
I know I have made mistakes, disappointments
& failures. But I promise you there is a part of
me that is actually ( worth keeping )
I love you. Flat out I love you, & there is
nothing imaginable that you could do to change it.
So there, you're going to have to live with it.
Everyday I miss the you
that I used to know..before I let
you down.. before you let me go..
I hope to god I mean a little more than the sounds that escape your tired 4 a.m lips, and oh how I wish I meant a little more than a symphony of heavy breathing and the friction of hips.
I wish to feel smaller under your sheets.
I wish for the whole truth every time you speak.
I'm thinking about how you care half as much for me,
While I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, then sleep.
And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem,
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans.
Ignoring me the morning after isn't enough.
And I wish to feel smaller under your hands.
Though you seem satisfied as you slip mine down your pants.
And I'm thinking about how you care half as much for me,
While you lift up my shirt after asking politely. ♥
And I can't see the point of patient love,
When everyone just wants to get fucked.
It's sad how when you do something wrong,
Everyone remembers.
But when you do something right,
Everyone forgets.
Why couldn’t the feeling be mutual?
Why was I just another fucking name to cross off on your list of girls to fuck?
Why is it that you’re such a hypocrite?
Why is it that I believed every fucking thing you said?
Why did you say you didn’t want to hurt me, and then went ahead and did it?
Why am I acting so damn fine about everything? ..
I know the answer to the last question....
as much as I want to punch you, and yell at you, and make you feel guilty..
All I’m thinking about is the next time "us" can happen.
So one last touch and well go,
and well pretend that it meant something so much more.
but it was vile it was cheap,
and you are beautiful,
but you don’t mean a thing.
Say that I'm young - that I'll get over it. Go ahead and say it. Go ahead and lie to me. 'Oh, you'll be happy again, never fear.' But I won't forget. Every time I fall in love it will be because something in the man reminds me of him.
I remember every word you said, okay? I’m not that naive and I’m not that stupid. I’ve been broken before, I can deal. I’m not scared of moving on with my life. What I’m scared of is that I’ll realize somewhere along the road, that you are my life.
I wish I had the guts to walk away and forget about what we had. But, I can't because I know you won't come after me, and I guess that's what hurts the most.
And this one's just funny to me. =P
When you breakup with your boyfriend...
your friends will always be the ones
saying "Oh its ok. You deserved better."
But your best friends will be the ones
calling him at 1 am saying "I HOPE YOU DIE, BITCH" <3
And here's a really long one that I wrote myself.
( Read more... )
Please comment 'n let me know if you liked any of them, and if you want to use the one I wrote, please feel free, as long as I am credited.
Now - I know everyone hates requests, but I was hoping that after this long post, some of you could help me out? =) I recently got back with my ex, and he and I are doing fantastically, working through our issues and are very happy with one another. I was just looking for any really sweet quotes about finally being reunited, finding your soulmate, or wishing you could be near the one you love, physically? Anything having to do with the Army or Military, would be a huge plus, as well as unique quotes that not everyone's seen. Thanks in advance, loves.
current mood: content
current music: Spice Girls - Viva Forever.
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| Sunday, January 28th, 2007
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11:34 pm
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I decided that I no longer care whether or not she reads this, and in fact would gain pleasure for finding out that she does, after it's been months.
I'm done, okay? You have no control over me, and that's the way it should be. I am a better person than you, this is a blatant fact. You may be thinner, but that is all you have going for you. Your old friends hate you, you've disgraced your marriage, and you are living a lie. I am way too far out of your league, and you should feel lucky to have ever been considered a friend by me. Goodbye to every single thought I've ever had about you, and all the memories I used to hold dear.
p.s - the journal I -was- writing in, can be found under the username xhandheldheartx for anyone interested.
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| Saturday, December 9th, 2006
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6:20 pm - Done.
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She's still reading and still making up bullshit lies, and to be quite honest, the idea of her reading my thoughts makes me want to vomit. So, I'm making a new journal on a new journal site, sorry hun - you'll have to find a new source of entertainment.
p.s - I'm making all of my old entries public for any of the blurty people who wanna read the old ones. No, I'm not doing this to start a fight. =).
current mood: accomplished
current music: Smack That - Eminem.
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6:18 pm - Party.
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So, I talked to Anna today. We're going to hang out tonight & then I'm having a Christmas Party at my house next Saturday since the parents'll be out of town. We're gonna get drunk, and have fun, and just let the drama and bullshit go. The whole gang'll be there, plus Mike, Crystal, her boyfriend, Jeremy, and some other friends. I'm excited. I'm going to the store Friday after work and buying a bunch've lights and garland to light the house up, as well as some mini-stockings to fill with candy and shit to give to everyone. Don't care if it sounds corny, everyone I've talked to has said how cute of an idea it is.
Weee.
current mood: chipper
current music: Freak Nasty - Da' Dip!
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12:50 am - Annoyances.
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Oh my god, LOL. Jason was telling me that he was bored and randomly looking through Xanga sites and he saw Jenn's, so he read it, and apparently she's so sad that she has to continue to read my blurty. When I left she was all "I don't even know your link, blah blah." but yet, she wastes her time reading MY journal and then writing in hers and lying about what she's said and done? That's the icing to the fucking cake, man. Wow. I'm not even going to rant about her in here because honestly I'm not bothered by it. But there's just one thing I want to say.
Hunny, if you're that pathetic, then maybe you need to re-evaluate your life and stop lying to yourself. I have no reason to be jealous of you because you have nothing I would ever desire. Your marriage is built on lies, whether you're willing to admit it or not (I have PROOF in the naked pictures you sent to Jason :) ), your husband's a moron, you sit on your ass every single day doing NOTHING, and even if I work at Kmart, what can you say about your life? Oh, you married a soldier so that MUST mean you have it better than me. At least MY fat ass is willing to get off the couch and go to work everyday, and go back to school *something you couldn't handle because you're too stupid, which you've admitted* to ensure that I have a successful career without a man's help. If I wanted Khan paying for everything, he would. But I don't want it like that. You say you never wanted to end up like Cyndi, well - you already have. =) Have a nice life. Oh, and burn whatever you like, I could care less. But at least be mature enough to quit lying to Kim and Anna about what you DID say about Kim and Randy. Thanks. =)
Anyway, now that that is over, I can rest easy. I think I may just get a new journal here, because I really can't stand the idea of her continuing to read it. I think it's funny that she claims I'm lying about her cheating on Zack with Andy, and goes into a huge paragraph about how I'm jealous 'n shit, when ..why the hell would I write about it in my journal if I was lying? Especially since I thought she wasn't "interested" in reading my blog. Some people truly have no dignity, self respect, or morals. She says she's caught me in so many lies, well I think that's kinda funny since the one and only lie I've told her throughout our entire "friendship" was the one about the Sears interview, and that was to be nice and save her feelings. Well, now?
I hope she gets knocked up and Zack gets shot in the face by an insane Iraqi, and then she has a miscarriage which leads to internal bleeding and slowly, painfully, kills the self centered bitch.
Have a nice life, whore.
p.s - regardless of how many men I've fucked (Two) or sucked off (Two), I was single, and you were married. You lose, but thanks for playing. =)
current mood: amused
current music: Eminem - Kim.
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12:37 am - Man.
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I'm really not sure if this makes any sense, but I was sitting here singing along to "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman" by Britney Spears, looking at my calendar, and I realized something. The fire has gone out of me. When November hits, I normally start counting down to Christmas. I'm usually making up Christmas lists by October, and I usually always jump at the chance to get all freaky Christmas looking. I didn't have the money but I didn't even try. I could've used old Halloween face paint, used an eyeshadow pencil to draw on my face, put tinsel or garland in my hair, and bam! But no, I just shrugged and forgot about it. And I've been thinking about Christmas, but it's -counts- only sixteen days away and I didn't know that. I didn't care to count, or ..really get excited at all. I'm not cheery christmas girl and that saddens me. I mean, I still love Christmas, but I just.. It's like I'm an empty shell of my normal self. I'm not sure why, or what caused this, and these are only a few examples of what I mean.. but I just feel blah all the time. I'm always tired, I'm always tempted to just curl up in bed and hide under my covers for the rest of ..forever. It's a sad way to live, but that's my life. I think I forgot that while I'm usually SUPER cheery around Christmas, I have a tendency to get really depressed as well, I think it's a balance thing. -Shrug.- this kind of sucks.
p.s - I just saw a new picture of Jenn.. and she looks like she got fat. That brightened up my day. Hahaha.
..teehee.
current music: Cascada - Everytime We Touch
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| Friday, December 8th, 2006
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10:46 pm - Ta da! I wrote a fucking book. =/
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I need love, you need love ..we all reallly need looove .. -cue techno music.-
Haha. I love Nsync sometimes.
So today pretty much BLEW. Yes, the caps were totally needed. Work wasn't too bad, I wasn't all that tired and a few of the customers had me smiling and laughing. I like the cheery Christmas people who compliment me on my Christmas bracelet and tell me to have a Merry Christmas. As opposed to the mean old men who throw coupons at me because I very politely explain that the HIGHLIGHTED date on the coupon is the expiration date, and yes, it's passed. -Grin.- Rude fuckers.
When I got home I ended up getting into a spat with Darrin, my idiotic step "father". I swear to you, the man is as hard-headed and stubborn as I am naturally blonde. Seriously. (Na na na na na... Na na na na.. I need loove!) Anyhow, the fight erupted because my little brother was trying to tell me how to wrap up the vacuum cord. I explained that HELLO! The little prongs on the side of the vacuum are there -specifically- to wrap the cord around. Well, Darrin then got involved stating that it's much easier to just wrap it around the handle. I commented about how extremely friggin' lazy that was, that people didn't even want to *god-fucking-forbid* bend over and unravel the cord. He starts screaming about me, bitching about being offended because he is NOT lazy. Yeah, when he said that I could almost feel the bold lettering, no joke. He got in my face and I just said it wasn't a big deal and turned the vacuum on before he could continue his bullshit *petty* rant. And I'm supposed to be the child, really? Well, then I headed downstairs and started picking up the basement area where I sleep, but decided I wanted to listen to some music while doing so. I went into my little brother's room to get my radio out that I let him borrow, and noticed that the cord for it was nowhere to be found. I went back upstairs, rather reluctant to deal with Darrin again, and asked Matthew where it was. He said that Darrin took it away, and after ten minutes of them fighting back and forth about why Matthew left the radio on when he wasn't even downstairs listening to it, Darrin finally went and got the fucking thing. Then he comes back into the Living room with this facial expression that just screamed ARGUMENT. I took the cord, trying to get out as soon as possible, but before I could he remarked "And just to let you know, when the DirectTv guy went downstairs to hook up the t.v, I was completely embarrased at how messy you left that room. I WANT IT CLEAN." And I just looked at him, paused, and said "THAT'S the reason for the RADIO, thanks." My mom's in the background yelling "I already took care of it" while he continues to bitch, and finally I just walk off, yelling "I'm sorry, I -have- a job, not always home, you know." behind me. I hope that pissed him off, unemployed, worthless, asshole. You know, I realize I sound rather immature right now but you really had to be there. Darrin is the kind of person who takes EVERYTHING said in disagreement, personally. If your opinion isn't exactly the same as his, he's going to get angry and debate you, which eventually turns into an argument, and if you keep going, he'll get in your face and scream at you - or ground you. Ya know, 'cause he's the "boss". -Smirk.- I hate those closeminded people who'd rather rip their left arm off, than admit that their opinion is just that - an opinion, and not the whole world is going to agree with it. I bet you could never guess that he's a fag hating homophobic republican, huh? Hah.
Anyhow, I went downstairs, cleaned, while trying to keep from crying (failed, but only let a few tears slide out), and then went back upstairs to see if my mom would put in the password for the computer down there. Yeah, my parents think we're fucking four year olds, so there's parental locks and passwords on everything in the house. Which doesn't stop me anyway because even though our "bedtime" is 1:00am on weekends (11:00pm on weekdays.. even though I don't actually attend school and AM eighteen fucking years old) I never turn my computer off, so I don't need them to put the password in it in order to get on. Yeah, I'm smart like that. Unfortunately my mom turned it off earlier in the day to "conserve" energy while I was at work, so it was off when I got home. Anyway, I asked her to put it in for me and she replied with "I don't have the password." I'm like - uh, can't you ask Darrin? He's sitting right there. Apparently he wasn't "talking" to her, and hearing that really fucking pissed me off. I threw my purse and screamed "Oh, that's great. Now I'm stuck without ANY fucking father." and very four year old-y stomped down the stairs, and cried for an hour. I was so fucking frustrated with everything that's going on and it's like JESUS CHRIST people, what the fuck do I have to do in order to be up to par in your eyes?! I'm not the way I used to be. I can't just take it in stride and move on while you're insulting me and breaking me. It effects me now, it impacts me greatly. It makes me cry every single time and I'm not like you. I don't go out of my way to hurt you as a way to show that I care. I'm fucking normal. I have feelings and you assholes could care less.
I'm done venting about this place, it's the same damn shit every single day. Careless cunts with no respect. It'll never change. I need to get passed it and just not let it hurt me. Convince myself that I hate them in order to survive living here. God, I wish I didn't live here.
Eventually I went upstairs and got online on the computer I'm on now, in the living room, then watched Degrassi (YAY) for a few hours, and jumped back online. My phone rang though, and it was Jeremy. The Army one. We'll call him Jeremy H to keep confusion to a minimum. We talked a while and I found myself growing very frustrated with him, very quickly. I made a semi joke about how he probably didn't want to hear me bitching, and he responded with sarcastic comments stating that he didn't give a shit about anything that was going on in my life. I yelled at him, about not knowing whether he was serious or not, and he replied with a simple "I can tell, given your attitude." We argued on and off a bit, me being really pissed off about him ignoring me to talk to his fucking buddies in the background (it's very irritating) and then we got into a conversation about he and I where I broke down a bit and told him I hated not knowing where we stand or whether or not I was bugging him calling him all the time. I explained that I am physically not capable of not calling him or texting him throughout the day. That I don't know how to go through issues without needing him to be there for me, the way he was before he left. I'm not used to it, and I need him.. and he either doesn't get it, or doesn't know how to be there for me anymore. And Yeah, after what happened, I don't exactly deserve him - and he certainly doesn't owe me a thing... I just want him so much to care, and to be there for me. He eventually said he needed to finish his cigarette and get into bed, since he knew it'd take him a while to actually get to sleep and he had to be up at seven in the morning. The conversation ended with him making me promise to eat and get enough sleep tonight, and I wished him the same. My voice cracked when we said goodbye, but I think it always does. He said he thought we really needed to finish the conversation tomorrow, so hopefully it'll be a little less tense than it was tonight.
Now I'm sitting here listening to Akon and wiping at tear stained cheeks. I feel very alone and abandoned by everyone who is supposed to care for me. I'm just .. incredibly lost and sad. I wish I knew how to not be this way. Oh, yeah. I quit smoking. Well, I stole a cigarette from my mother after the mentally exhausting argument, but I have no money 'n there's really no reason for me to keep smoking since I cannot afford it, so I'm done. However, once I have money to spare.. that may change. Pray for me - hah. I have absolutely NO will power.
I have the day off from work tomorrow, which I'm pretty excited about, but I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. My father, yeah, the real one, called yesterday and wanted to make plans for my sister, brother, and I to hang out with him at his house. Hah. It's been months since I've HEARD from him. It's been even longer since I've seen him. He never cares to visit or call unless it's convenient for him. The last time we spent time together he was lecturing about how I was throwing my life away and becoming nothing. He's been a neglectful, selfish, son of a bitch since day one - but guess what? I'm going to go. God.. I wish I knew where to start with the story of my prick of a sperm donor. I wish I hated him, but I can't.. and I want to so much that it's physically painful. He has said and done so many fucked up things.. left me and my mother when I needed him most, sacraficed us for himself and his drugs and drinking. Abused my mother, then married into some other family and ..was their father. Cared, loved, was THERE for them. Was closer to my stepsister than he's ever been to me. Then when I moved to another state in order to live with his family and get to spend time with him, he was an asshole. He was verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive, and ..well, he made me hate him, and myself. I had the best summer there, made some good friends, wonderful memories, but I left with a deep hatred for him and everything he stood for. I returned the next summer, only to be surprised one morning when my Stepmother had decided to leave him after all of his abusive bullshit and spending all of their money on weed and bongs, and I was forced to go along with. I spent three weeks hiding out in a secret location, going to a new school, trying to adjust to life while my world was ripped away from me all because my Dad was too much of a jerk to see that his wife was incredibly unhappy and -needed- an out. He ruined my life that summer, he took everything away that ever made me happy. I didn't need drugs, or alcohol, or cutting. I was HAPPY. But that didn't matter, because three weeks into living in that place, hearing about my father drinking himself nearly to death, then driving home to Michigan in a state of complete mental insanity.. and how my stepmother had gotten a restraining order for all of us, including me, against my own fucking father.. christ. I came home. And when I saw him, the first thing he mentioned was my stepmother giving me the wedding ring he'd given to her. I was scared to death, shaking with terror, and quietly asked him if he wanted it back. He said no..and then something incredibe happened.
He was my father, my dad, my friend. He was there for me, he cared for me, and he saw us every single weekend. Made unexpected visits to us during the week, even took us to school or picked us up a lot of the time. Took us out for pizza, up north for holidays, made sure that we all spent enough time with our grandmother and grandfather, aunts, cousins. Rode four wheelers with us, paid for part of my Buffy convention .. he was everything to me. We all had him on this insanely tall pedestal and we were all SO in love with the idea of having our daddy back. Then he started a new job, fell "in love" with a married woman.. and slowly, I realized. He wasn't back, he'd never been back. He was simply relying on his children to keep him from going into a total depression. We were there to keep him from breaking down, while he stood strong and tall, sober and clean for over a year. A YEAR. Not even a fucking sip of beer, and then he just.. let it all fall apart again. He LET his world come crashing down around him, he didn't try to stop it. He didn't care. He's at the bar everynight, fucking different women every night, having an affair with a married woman and letting her get fired from work for it ..god. He didn't call for MONTHS and the one time he finally decided to, was after a screaming match between us over the phone. Never in all of my life have I ever wanted to hate my dad, until that night. He was a rude and inconsiderate jerk to me over the phone, and had me in tears from the very beginning. And all I wanted was to see my daddy. I was leaving the state for christ's sake, not having a clue as to when I'd be back. Things were really shaky at home, Jeremy had just left for the Army.. I needed him. I always fucking get let down by him. He drove over here to pick the kids up and saw me sitting on the porch. I told him I wasn't going, and he looked at me with a sad expression on his face that easily won me over. I got in the car and we drove to Walmart to get a video game for him. He said he wanted something legal and healthy to focus his attention and free time on, hah - that lasted long, huh? In the parking lot of Walmart we SCREAMED at eachother. He told me I was throwing my life away, sitting around and doing nothing productive, and I told him he was neglecting the people who loved him so he could go out and drink everynight. I threw everything in his face and told him how much I resented him. He only yelled louder, and said more hurtful things. I started to cry, and we came to some sort of "agreement" though it felt like I really just gave up because I was in too much pain to keep going. We walked around Walmart, while I feened for a fucking cigarette, then went to Burger King to eat. He said he'd come to visit before I left, and he never showed up. I wanted to hate him then too, but it never came.
I asked my mother every day I was there, if he'd come to see the kids, or even called. She always answered the same way, and I always felt my heart breaking a little bit more each time, for my sister and brother. My dad was the world and more to my sister, she spent every moment she could with him, even if he was just going for a random car ride. He made her mixed CD's and they made promises to eachother.. she had the type of relationship I'd always DREAMED of having with him. But I was too old and it was too late for us to bond the way he and my stepsister had been able to. Eventually she got the hint, and started to turn her back the way I had. She knew not to expect anything, she understood that "I promise" meant nothing when coming from him, and that he was too stubborn to try to realize that we needed him. His women and his booze was too important. And when I finally broke the news that he'd been getting high and drinking again, her heart was broken. Of course being a fourteen year old and living in this house, she never showed it. She was strong, and she truly had herself convinced that she didn't need him. Hell, I did too. My little brother though.. god. He needs him more than any of us. He's the one who spends half an hour calling his phone OVER AND OVER just praying that he'll answer, and jumping at ANY chance to spend even a tiny amount of time with him. I watch him ...and it fucking tears me apart. I jumped all over him the other night stating that our father was a low life who didn't give a shit about any of us.. and both my mother and sister freaked out on me for it. I understand that he needs to learn on his own but nobody deserves to endure what Tiffany and I did. He doesn't need to go through that.. god, I wish there was some way for me to stop it from happening.
Anyway, though. To make an extremely long story short - my Mom talked to my Dad for over an hour and when she got off the phone, she sincerely said that she thought we should spend time with him. From the tone in her voice, I could tell that something was really wrong. She sighed and said "He hit rock bottom, and he needs you guys." I laughed, and I spit out more awful things about him, but for some reason I'm still going. I don't fucking know what to expect, but if he thinks he's going to cry on my shoulder and get an ounce of sympathy from me, he's going to be very sadly mistaken. I don't have enough time or energy left in me to let him effect me that way anymore. Every single time I let him in, he turns his back on me and my siblings. He's showed that he doesn't give a damn anymore, and it hurts too much for me to give a shit either. I just.. can't have another man shattering my world into a thousand pieces. Pretty soon I won't have enough pieces left to glue back together.
NOW. I'm listening to "Da' Dip!" and swivel-dancing around in my chair. Don't stop 'til you get enough! No, for my mood shall not be ruined.
Fuck, too late. =/
current mood: bitchy
current music: Freak Nasty - Da' Dip!
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| Wednesday, December 6th, 2006
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6:50 pm - finally!
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I really don't feel like writing, but it's been a while since I've updated, so I need to. All I seem to do is work and sleep. Never any time for anything else.
Jeremy, the ..first ex, and I have been talking nearly everday since Thanksgiving. He's having a lot of difficulty getting over the things I did while he was gone, but in general having him back has been a really huge comfort. He's the one person in my entire life who knows everything there is to know about me, and loved and cared for me inspite of that. I feel like I have my best friend back, even thoug it's rocky sometimes, I know if he and I try, we'll make it through it just fine. Granted it'll definitely take some time and a lot of patience on both our parts. But I have no reason to throw in the towel, I don't think either of us are going anywhere.
Because there hasn't been much food in my house, I'm broke, and stress from life has caused me to lose my appetite so many times, I nearly fainted today from lack of food. I was driving home from work with my mother and I just got really hot, and disoriented. I felt woozy and had to put forth energy just to keep my eyes from closing. I took a lot of deep breaths and when I got home, forced myself to eat some toast and oatmeal. It wasn't the most satisfying meal, but at least now I can sit up without feeling as though I might keel over. Not healthy, I know.. I just haven't felt like eating lately. Not as though I couldn't stand to lose a few pounds. =P Don't worry, I'm not dedicated enough to become anorexic.
I got into a really heated argument with Jenn via myspace messages yesterday. She was being a bitch and expected me to just agree with everything she said. Well, that's stupid, considering everything she said was completely wrong. To make a long story short, I simply repeated something I told her a long time ago; that it would be quite a bit of time before I could start paying her back. I owe the bank, Anna, my mother, and I really need to get the ball rolling on the becoming an adult thing, getting a car, a license, moving out, and starting college. She was less than thrilled to hear that her and her petty laptop (which worked when I left anyway) were not at the top of my priority list. I simply explained that she had a (idiot) willing husband to buy her everything she wants and needs, and that we're not all as blessed as she - some of us have to attend college and find a good paying career for any hope of a successful and happy life. The argument ended with her telling me that she was burning the belongings I'd left at her house, and me telling her she wouldn't see a dime of the money I "owed" her. She blocked me, and I told her that our friendship was finished.
I got most of my Christmas shopping done, but I still need to get a few items in order to do the baking I had in mind for the goody tins/baskets. I need to get some brownie/cookie mix and try to coax my grandmother into giving me some good recipes and tips. I'm not exactly a baker and I don't have a clue where to start. I got Jessica a bunch of small things from Hot-Topic, Crystal the same, but bought a few other things for her from other stores, Jeremy got a shirt that says "I'm just not that into you ..when I'm sober." and a Jack Daniels flask, and my mother and Stepfather (hopefully) are going to receive a gift card to Outback Steak House and an offer for me to babysit for a night while the two of them spend some much needed time alone. I wanted to buy for everyone but between my debts and my phone bill, that just wasn't possible. I think with my next check I may get a few more things for each of them, as well as the baked goods, and have Jessica & Jeremy's presents sent out by the 17th, at the latest (I hope). Crystal's right here in Michigan so no need to worry about when her gift will get to her. =P
Speaking of Crystal, she and I decided to get matching tattoos after Christmas. We wanted something cute that symbolized a long lasting friendship, but thought that the Chinese symbols were just too cliche for our tastes. Besides, everyone's doing them. So we thought up this really cute idea for puzzle pieces, that interlock when placed next to eachother. They'll be pink with black, cursive writing and one will say "Friends" while the other will read "Forever." It may seem corny, but she and I have been through a crapload of fights and drama and the fact that we're even friends, let alone super close best friends after all of that, says a lot. Besides, I wouldn't know what else to get, and the idea of getting a tattoo is very appealing to me.
There's really nothing else going on. Not that I feel like writing about, anyway. Going to smoke a cigarette and read fr a few while I wait for One Tree Hill to come on. <3 toodles.
current mood: content
current music: Matchbox 20 - Rest Stop.
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| Saturday, December 2nd, 2006
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12:57 am - Today was stupid.
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1. Where were you when it turned 2006?
Wow. Uhm, I think I was sitting at home. Hah.
2. How did you get the idea for MySpace name?
From a song that a guy sings, who used to be in a local band around here.
3. What song are you listening to right now?
"I Don't Wanna Live Without Your Love" by Chicago.
4. Has the death of a celebrity ever made you cry?
I think Owen Hart had me crying. Haha.
5. Do you own an ipod?
Nope. Will by Christmas.
6. What was the first thing you thought this morning?
"I got three fucking hours of sleep and you're waking me up to babysit the DOGS?!"
7. What does your mom do for a living?
She's a real estate agent.
16. What did you dream last night?
I don't remember.
17. What was the last TV show you watched?
The power was out all day so..
18. What is your favorite piece of jewelry?
My claddaugh ring.
19. Name someone on your Top Friends who is just like you?
Crystal. <3
20. What does your bf/gf have 4 a name?
Single, I think. If not? Jeremy.
21. Who last text messaged you?
Jeremy.
22. Are you on any medication?
Nope.
23. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
I sleep on a couch. There are no sides.
24. What color shirt are you wearing?
White work shirt.
25. What is your favorite frozen treat?
Ice cream sandwiches.
26. How many piercings do you have?
None.
27. What's your favorite store?
Family Dollar! <3.
28. Are you thirsty right now?
Actually, yes. -Sips Pepsi.-
29. Who's someone you haven't seen in a while and miss?
My Dad. Heh.
30. What did you do last night?
Talked online, shopped online, talked w/ Jess on the phone, and stayed awake annoyed at not being able to sleep.
31. Do you care what people think about you?
Not really, no. I like for my coworkers to like me, though. I'm strange.
32. Have you ever done something to instigate trouble?
Haha. All the time.
34. What are your font colors on AIM?
Purpleish.
35. Where do you live?
'bout 20 minutes west of Detroit. I'm a gangster.
36. Are you aggressive?
Not really, unless I've known the person long enough for them to know my entire personality and not be afraid of it.
37. Mobile Phone Network?
Tmobile.
38. Do you like the person who posted this last?
I don't know the person.
39. Do you know their birthday?
Read above.
40. What is the thing that you would most like to change about yourself?
I'd like to lose some weight, haha.
41. What size are your feet?
8-9, depending.
42. What do u smell like right now?
Vanilla and ..haha.
43. What are your favorite colors?
Pink and black.
44. Do you like mustard?
Rarely.
45. What do you tell yourself when times get hard?
I'm not going to die, I'll be okay.
46. Would you ever sky-dive?
Fuck no.
47. Do you sleep on your side, tummy or back?
Side.
48. Have you ever bid for something on eBay?
Yes! ;x
49. Do you enjoy giving hugs?
Yes, but I rarely do.
50. Would you consider yourself to be fashionable?
When I feel like it.
51. Do you own a digital camera?
Nope, just a camera phone.
52. What celebrities have you been compared to?
Hahaha. Drew Barrymore and Julia Styles.
53. Who is your favorite Star Wars character?
Ew.
54. Does it annoy you when someone says they'll call but don't?
YES. My god!
55. What are you allergic to?
I'm not.
56. Are you a jealous person?
Sometimes.
57. Do you ever feel guilty after eating meat?
Haha, no.
58. If you were born the opposite sex, what would your name be?
Anthony.
59. What's your favorite News Channel?
Four? Seven? Something.
And today sucked, so here goes another survey to keep my mind off of it. =)
LONG ASS SURVEY
.:. High School: Wayne Memorial & Cambridge.
.:. Elementary School: Eureka.
.:. Favorite soda: Pepsi.
.:. Favorite band: Until Sunday.
.:. Favorite animal: Dog.
.:. Favorite fruit: Grapes.
.:. Favorite weather: Fall.
Do You:
.:. Have a girlfriend/boyfriend: I really don't know.
.:. Like someone: Very much.
.:. Want more piercings: My ears.
.:. Want a tattoo: Nah.
Last:
.:. Person talked to in person: My brother.
.:. Person talked to on the phone?: Jeremy.
.:. Person you hung out with: The ex.
.:. IMed: Crystal.
.:. Movie watched: The Breakup.
.:. Last Movie Saw In theater: Click.
.:. Ever cried over a girl or boy: All the time.
.:. Ever dated a cousin: Ew, no.
.:. Ever used a gun: Hell no.
.:. Ever finished a puzzle: Yes
.:. Ever got surgery: No.
.:. Ever hated someone: Not sure.
Pick one:
.:. Blue or red?: Red.
.:. Spring or Fall?: Fall.
Random stuff:
.:. Criminal record?: No.
.:. Do you speak a different language? No.
.:. How old do you act?: It depends.
.:. Braces: Never.
.:. Do you have any pets?: My two loves, Snickers and Shasta.
.:. Mood?: Fuck it.
Level 1
(x) Shoplifted
(x) Been fired
(x) Been in a fist fight
Level 2
(x) Snuck out
(x) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
(x) Gone on a blind date
Level 3
( ) Had a crush on a teacher
(x) Skipped school
( ) Slept with a co-worker
( ) Saw someone die
Level 4
(x) All my myspace friends are my real life friends
(x) Had/have a crush on one of your myspace friends
( ) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
Level 5
( ) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been surfing
Level 6
( ) been in an abusive relationship
(x) Taken painkillers
(x) Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) Made a snow angel
Level 7
( ) had a tea party
( ) Flown a kite
( ) Built a sand castle
( ) Gone puddle jumping!
(x) Played dress up
Level 8
(x) Jumped into a pile of leaves
( ) Gone sledding
(x) Been lonely
(x) Fallen asleep at school
Level 9
( ) Used a fake ID
(x) Watched the sunset
( ) Felt an earthquake
(x) Touched a snake
Level 10
(x) Been tickled
( ) Been robbed/vandalized/had anything stolen from you
( ) Robbed someone
Level 11
(x) Won a contest
(x) Suspended/expelled from school
(x) Had detention
( ) Been in a motorcycle accident
Level 12
( ) Had braces
(x) Had deja vu
( ) Danced in the moonlight
Level 13
(x) Hated the way you looked
(x) Witnessed a crime
(x) Questioned your heart
( ) Been obsessed with post-it notes
Level 14
( ) Barefoot through the mud
(x) Been lost
( ) Swam in the ocean
(x) Felt like you were dying
Level 15
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
( ) played cops and robbers
( ) Recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
( ) Sang karaoke
(x) paid for something with only coins
Level 16
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) Made prank phone calls
( ) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
( ) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
Level 17
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) Been kissed under a mistletoe
(x) Looked up at the stars with someone you cared about
(x) Blown bubbles
( ) Made a bonfire on the beach
Level 18
( ) Have traveled more than 5 days with a car full of people
(x) Gone rollerskating/blading
( ) Had a wish come true
Level 19
( ) Worn pearls
( ) Jumped off a bridge
( ) Ate dog food
(x) Told a complete stranger you loved them
Level 20
(x) Sang in the shower
(x) Glued your hand to something
Level 21
( )Got your tongue stuck to a pole
( ) Kissed a fish
(x) Worn the opposite sexs clothes
( ) Sat on a roof top
Level 22
(x) Screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) Done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) Stayed up all night
Level 23
( ) didn't take a shower for a week
( ) Picked and ate an apple right off the tree
( ) Climbed a tree
( ) Had a tree house
(x) Scared to watch scary movies alone
Level 24
(x) Worn a really ugly outfit to school
( ) Played ding dong ditch
Level 25
( ) Played chicken
( ) Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) Been told you're hot by a complete stranger
( ) Broken a bone
(x) Been easily amused
Level 26
( ) Caught a fish then ate it
(x) Caught a butterfly
(x) Laughed so hard you cried
(x) Cried so hard you laughed
level 27
(x) Cheated on a test
(x) Forgotten someone's name
Level 28
(x) Rode a roller coaster
( ) went scuba-diving
(x) Had a cavity
(x) Black-mailed someone
( ) Been black-mailed
Level 29
(x) Been used
(x) Fell going up the stairs.
(x) Bitten someone
THE WHO'S
who is in the room with you? My brother.
Who was the last person you told i love you to? Jeremy.
Who gets on your nerves the most from school?: Haha. Tasha.
What was the last thing you ate: A piece of cheesecake.
What was the last thing you drank?: Pepsi.
What color pants are you wearing?: Black work pants.
What is the closest item near you that is blue? The pepsi cap.
What are u wearing on your feet?: Socks and shoes.
What instant messaging service do you use?: Aim.
What do you wear more, jeans or shorts?: Jeans.
What do you currently hear?: Anna Nalick singing.
Where is your favorite place to be?: Family Dollar.
Where is your phone?: Sitting in front of me.
Where is your mom?: In her room sleeping.
Where do you sleep?: On the couch in the family room.
Where did you get the shirt you're wearing right now? Family Dollar. ;o
Where did you last take a car ride to?: From Work to Old Country Buffet, to home, to my sister's friends, to home again.
current mood: crappy
current music: Anna Nalick - Wreck of the Day.
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