Date:	2003-08-29 11:23
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	bouncy

so it's friday
screw punctuation
e e cummings didnt need it
so neither do i
im done with Work for a while
go back to School on sunday
i want to be able to Get the hell outta here for a while and just See what happens
but we shall see about That

i wanna see dan for a while but that is another unconfirmed Venture
got a notebook today
it kicks my old crap computers ass to Here and back again
yay for technology and the Headaches it brings
right
so i guess that would be it for now

late

gWen

Date:	2003-08-28 12:00
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused
Music:	The Sounds of Soul Caliburn II

Today is the last day I work for a while. I leave for school sunday, so the temptation to do absolutely nothing is a little too high for my own liking. Thought I could take a few days of rest, not do anything, stay away from drama, but hell, I'm 20, drama surrounds. Of course, it's even better when it's Gay drama... I might as well be a fag hag, sans the part about dating gay guys. Of course, when your significant other accuses you, then it gets funny.
Dan: Gwen, are you a fag hag now?
Gwen: Only if you're Gay.
Dan: Oh yeah, huh.

Harley Davidson has it's 100 year anniversary. The festivities start today. I work in a bloody gas station. Ever wonder what harley riders drink? So far they seem akin to Miller Light. I don't get it, I don't wanna get it. Miller Products for all. I'm not a big fan of spending 45 minutes every four hours puting together six packs. I dunno, but it's not my cup of tea. Course, The parade is prolly not going down my road which blows ass in my mind. I mean, if I'm gonna supply your booze, I wanna see a couple hundred thousand bikes go by dammit.
I need to take a shower.
Yeah, that's a definate yes, I need to bathe. Or else I'm gonna pass the fuck back out and that will be the end of this attempt to wake up and get ready for work.
Amazing how natural it feels to convince a young homosexual male that playing his crush after the kid did something bad is a wrongful action because of the emotional consequences, not to mention the fact that even though the campus has 12000 people, it's still only got 12 thousand people and shit spreds. Oi. I'm done for now I think.

Okay, so I've gone over this with myself before, and for some reason, I don't seem to have this through my thick skull yet. If I'm going to spend 8 hours in a gas station, then goin at it an hour before my shift starts isn't in the smart category.
What? Moron.
No, seriously. Yesterday afternoon, Dan came and picked me up around 1:45, and we grabbed some Wendy's before going back to his apartment. As luck would have it, his roommate was walking out as we were walking in at 2:03 p.m. It's gotta be nice to choose your own work schedule. Dan took a longish lunch, promising the guy he borrowed the car from that he would put gas in and wash it. Anyhow, we eat, and at 2:10, it's like, all right, I gotta be to work at three... what do you wanna do? The doors lock, blinds come down, air conditioner on... and ta da, clothing is gone and Dan's on his back... and then... rolly rolly scream scream scream... it's 2:35 and cleanup commences. Sit down after putting everything back on, and smoke... ta da, it's off to Mobil, Gwen is wired... till about 52 and Green Bay road... where I realized... I'm going to be standing there for the next eight hours... what the hell was I thinking? Yeah. By 3:30 I was passing out... by 6.. I was comatosed... and ta da, 7 p.m. rolls around and I get a second wind... but yeah, the first half wasn't exactly pleasant.. carnal bull shit throwing off my chi.
Yeah...
I did have a monarch butterfly on my finger for a reduculous stretch of time last night. Found it in the car wash when I went to change the garbage.. and he or she crawled on my finger... and stayed on until I was bright enough to go inside... and then it took off. Caught a few shots of it on the Coors bottles, and it crawled back on my finger next to the Miller Light Neon sign... So the hand shots were pretty cool too. Yeah man, real cool... Shut the hell up before I kick your ass bitch. All right, I'm spent. Maybe I'll get it again before work today... it'll make Blimpies a little more bearable... if I'm not awake.

This is for you, however you want to look at it.

All I wanted was a promise kept, and it's been made apperent that it won't happen. It's been nearly 11 months since we've exchanged words. By exchanged I mean that you've done anything in return. Nothing. It's amazing how such things work. I thought you were gone. Fully gone. You shouldn't have been able to stick around for as long as you have. I've been able to think about the past with a smile and no wondering. Could even throw in an occasional greeting with no remorse. Of course, you've never done the same back. Promises remain unkept. I know I shouldn't bother caring anymore. It's been this long, and the truth has shown itself quite clear. Not who you said you were. Not who I thought you were. It happens, a fact of living. I've changed. I don't know if you have, if you've allowed yourself to. Maybe you have. Maybe, if I saw you I wouldn't know you... or maybe you haven't... gone back to that comfort spot.. that place where no one can touch you or hurt you. I don't know. I don't see you. Not here, anyway.
Why write? Why say any of this outloud? I said before that I had you gone. Unfortunately... Last night you visited me. It's been so long since you've done that. I thought maybe you had moved on, or that I had by now. No reason to stick around for a fantasy. Yet last night, I fell asleep. I was with my boyfriend, we were out doing something or another, what specifically I don't know. And then, there you were. You came to me, you spoke to me, you said those three words that you used to say to me. It was in a way a complete reminder of what we had. It was a dream. A dream, and nothing more. A dream that had me wake up at exactly 11 o'clock in the morning, had me sweating and my heart racing. I was so awake when I lay there, wanting to know why the hell you would be there. I didn't want to close my eyes again, because I thought your visits were gone. I thought hte whole lie was over. Yet there you are. I sometimes wonder if you have the same problem, the same occerances. I purposely stay away from your place of work, and obviously you do the same. What I want to know is why would you make such promises and then leave? Call yourself a guardian angel, but all you've become is a ghost. At first, it was pleasant when you left. The dreams were peaceful and full of teh past. Then, as time went on, they became harsh.. you turning away, moving on. I hoped that it would have ended there. No more dreams came for so long. I haven't had one in months. Yet last night, you were there, and it wasn't you trying to force me away. Maybe I want to be forced away now, because you never gave me any reason to stay around. All I wanted was an answer, closure... and I never got that. Most of us don't, I understand that. I just wish that either you would give me an answer or leave me alone. Leave my sleep, my dreams... where you seem so real and so caring again... I don't need it. I don't need to wake up alone and feel incomplete for something that isn't real, that probably never was... that you proved to me wasn't. I needed to get it all out, just to ask you, why? If you wetre my guardian angel, why would you leave me?
I don't dream of the rape anymore. that stopped about 5 months ago. Yet I sitll dream of you. I don't know what was worse... the occerance that made you run away, too much pain to handle... or the fact that you never came back like you said you would. I don't know... but for whatever reason, you stay closer to my heart. That pain is more accute and pronounced. What I did to deserve this I don't know... I moved on, I let go... but there you are still. The glowing... the warmth... even the wings at times... Maybe I need some perscription to remove these thoughts from my head... to get over it all, or to cloud it out. Or maybe I'll be stuck with it for the rest of my life...
So I'm tired now. Tired of letting all this energy out of me through my mind and my fingertips. My hands are going numb. Off I go, still stuck with the thought of you, and where you were and where you are.

take care and good health

Sniggle

So I've decided to try this out. Maybe that makes me trendy or wannabe-cool... but sometimes I prefer to think of it as somewere I can just sit and I don't nkow... reflect? Blogger shtuph didn't work too well for me, too much of a pain. So I'm sitting here, still in freaking pajamas, waiting for anyone who matters to get up. Not like that will happen any time soon, but it's possible. Maybe I ought to shower.
I get to go back to school in a week and a day. My Junior year and I'm still in the dorms. What the hell is wrong with me? Oh yeah, that's right, I'm getting the hell outta this place. Going away, down under away. I'm an international journalism major to anyone who cares. That means I get to go to Australia, the "fuckin socialist utopia" that it is and see whether or not I want to come back. Who knows. One day at a time it seems.
SO I was thinking, since I've been habitually posting on group sites and amusing not only myself but other people, to see what online journals exist. Ta da, here I am. I'm not very bright when it comes to technology compared to some people, but what the hell, try it once. Or maybe twice.
Today I don't work. I have four working days till I leave. Well, I get to work at a gas station on and off till next Friday, and then I'm going to try to pack. I love that phrase. "Try to". I know as well as anyone else that I'm going to put it off as long as I can. That and the thought of seven floors of halling my shit, it's just not appealing. But life will go on, even if it leaves me standing at the bottom of an elevator looking like a moron. Yay for stuff that makes me look like a moron. Maybe too much of it exists.
I need to shower still. That and look for something intelligent to write. Maybe not this attempt. It could happen soon though. I mean, I've gotta kick it into high gear soon enough. Of course, the next six months are going to fly by... and then it's off to never-never land. That makes me.... I don't know. I'm not sure what that makes me. It doesn't even freaking matter what it makes me actually, does it? All right, I'm done for now. See how often I'm going to come back to this one.