Below are the most recent 21 friends' journal entries.

Monday, December 1st, 2008
punkerxgirl27	10:22p	quick & painless. I can say I'm better then i was when i last posted one of these pointless entries. The psychosis has decreased a little bit. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that today it was extremely EXTREMELY BUSY at work. I mean come on, there were 180+ in que today up until 8 o clock. And i'm not exaggerating. I had people bitching that they were waiting on hold for twenty minutes, but it didn't bother me. It just kept me busy kept me focused. So i am doing a great deal better then last night. Plus, I only cried for three minutes top last night, I didnt wake up shaking like i normally do on Mondays, and i didn't punch anything! I must say i'm coming a long way. im just sitting in my chair, rocking my old school slipknot teeshirt and in a few minutes will be rocking my even fancier bright blue bunny slippers and going downstairs to do not a damn thing. I tried helping my aunt fill out her application for Nestle. i really hope she gets the job with me, plus if she stays there for six months theres a two-hundred dollar incentive and if she stays for a year i believe Lauren said thats three hundred. which is pretty sweet if you ask me. I also found out today that as a courtesy from the wonderful people over at Chevrolet that I can skimp out on my Decemember's Car Payment. That saves me $224!!!! I cant tell ya how much that saves my fucking ass. Plus that means that this weekend sometime, or next, ill actually be able to go Christmas shopping with Danny,.... and actually purchase the presents instead of having to wait until the very last second. AHHH THE BEAUTY OF THE HOLIDAYS. i should probably re-organize my list and think of a budget plan to work with. of course i need to take into consideration my other bills and when they are scheduled to clear (since i know the date that they are due) Hopefully this coming check on the 11th will be a lot better then the last, but i dont see that being an issue since i got paid for thursday which i normally dont work and then i pickd up some extra hours for Friday. I still need to get rid of some vacation time though. WHICH THEY BETTER APPROVE ME FOR, SINCE THEY KEEP SAYING THEY ARE FULL UP.,... BULLLLLSHIITTTT!! Well with all that being said, i will just hang out doing absolutely nothing since that is my specialty and I'll tlak to you mother fuckers later. Current Mood: bored Current Music: Radiohead / Creep. (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 30th, 2008
lilmizzjojo	11:02p	i miss you. always. happy birthday, mai. love, your favorite granddaughter (Comment on this)
Monday, December 1st, 2008
punkerxgirl27	1:05a	subjective criticism In two days I take the ring out. That's a relief, to excuse any paranoia of emotional decay that I feel like has taken place this weekend. Don't get me wrong, I was happy. Any second spent with him is time well spent. There isn't another person in the world that I'd rather spend my time with, so it certainly has nothing to do with him. Its everything else that's a little dishoveled that is overflowing into my relationship... but I don't believe it has anything to do with him. I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that evryday this week almost I've been all over the place, constantly moving, constantly somewhere else that now that its time to go back to the real world I'm sort of snapping. It won't be a huge deal, just eating away at me while I'm vulnrable. Honestly, I am avoiding sleep (despite being physically and mentally drained) just so I can prolong the time before work. But I know ill throw in the towel sooner or later. I've hardly been home that these four walls are unfamiliar. This bed, these blankets. Nothing seems familiar. Next week will be rough, I can tell just by the start of this months PMS. So people: please be patient. I'm currently listening to the beginning of my Ipod mix, which is the best thing to listen to during two activities: falling asleep and crying. The best part about the second activity, is it releases the stress. It takes the edge off. I'd rather get all this out now, then been emotionally collapsing with evry step I take from now until this thing comes n goes. With that being said, ill finish listening to Track Three: SnowPatrol / Run and hopefully in the next hour be well on my way to sleep and a waking up with a better attitude. And before I go, please don't be concerned with what's goin on. Its a little vicious cycle that I just have to live with, but ill be alright. Just as soon as this passes. ILYDB: don't ever forget that, please. Current Mood: blah Current Music: Rihanna / Rehab (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 30th, 2008
softersin	8:01p	It's funny, rereading some of these old journal entries, here and some I have on paper, I look at the words and they feel foreign, forgotten. It's like someone else wrote these words, someone else had these feelings, not I. (Comment on this)
softersin	7:59p	I want to help you. Show me how. (Comment on this)
softersin	3:08p	We know it's not right to treat anyone else like that, (What's wrong with you, can't you do anything?) When did it become ok to do it to yourself? (You will never amount to anything.) (Comment on this)
softersin	3:04p	There was a time when she would do anything for you. What happened? Did you just stop noticing? Or did she just give up on you? (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 29th, 2008
punkerxgirl27	12:21p	relentless I woke up an hour ago from a 12 hour sleep. I'm just about ready to leave this house and take my aunt grocery shopping. Hey anything to get me more then a mile away from my faggot little brother. Its official I hate all my (half included) siblings at one time. Four people: all of which could die of aids and I could careless. Maybe I'm being harsh, but that's part of a deep routed personality flaw... so sue me. I still can't stop coughing. I'm not even sick. At least when I smoke I get a great deal higher. Honestly, I just wanna get so fucked up I can't remember my middlename and fuck until I can't feel my pelvic region for at least an hour and a half. Not to hard to ask for correct? As mentioned before, my brothers home. He was spending the night @ Chris' house but of course some shit went down and lookit that, he's downstairs with half the pie left over from Thursday. Just the sound of the walls crack isenough to drive me crazy. Its just one of those mornings (for me... afternoon to you) but I did just (like literally 47 seconds ago) get off thew phone wih my babe, so withthat said i m gonna go get cute see my aunt to the store then yehhh. Current Mood: anxious Current Music: lucero / bike riders (Comment on this)
Friday, November 28th, 2008
punkerxgirl27	3:14p	drink it down, part II. It's almost 3 fucking 15 in the am, Friday extremely early morning. I'm fucking drained physically and now mentally and i honestly dont think ill be getting much sleep tonight. I know I have tomorrow to look forward to, since I'll be going over my boyfriends house. I sort of wished I just stayed home tonight. Now don't get me wrong i absolutely adore my step sister. I do, shes always there for me, constantly trying to hook me up, doin me favors, even trying to help out my boy, but she does have one character flaw. She's by far 100% a partier, and that is the one thing that we do not have in common. You can call me boring, or whatever it is you may want, but I do have my reasons. Case in point would be tonight. Not that i havent delt with drunks. Please, half of my bloodline is connected with alcohol, but what I cannot tolerate and its always been the way that i am, are people who itch for fights, who are in your face, loud, crazy, scrappy, drunk. It's how my fucking aunt is and i have watched it lead into many physical brawls. I just cannot surround myslf with it. I'm already an high-strung, easily stressable person, with a lot of anxiety issues. When i'm around people who are "in your face" hammered, it makes me want to claw at my own skin. It makes me want to scream. And it's happened all too many times in my life. It always starts out nice and warm and cuddly and then it goes sour and next thing you know the person is taunting you saying stupid shit like "Do something about it" when you have been sitting there absolutely silent for the past hour. Needless to say, I'm sure you can see where this is going. I have half a cigarette left and my head is spinning almost out of control. I'm not drunk at all, I can see straight, I have control over my thoughts... I am even fucking blurty'ing about it. So i know it's my state of mind isn't because im tipsy. One and Half Bacardi & Coke's is not going to do me in... no matter how much of a light weight you may think I am. I'm fucking freezing and all I want to do is just go to bed, but as previously mentioned, can't do it. And to make matters worse is I don't even have my car. Its at my step sisters house. I wound up calling my mom because Amanda's SUV (shes alies best friend) was blocking mine and they wouldnt let me drive myself home either wya. Not that it mattered because i didn't care. Just needed to get out before I had a mental collapse. Just means in the morning i'll have ot wake up with my mom and have her drive me over. Hopefully by then Amanda will be gone. And hopefully the vehicle is in one piece. My phones dead, my cars 2 miles away from me, i have a splitting headache, i'm emotionally vulnerable (the holidays tend to get me down, when me and my father arent speaking- means im missing out on my entire fathers side of the family... they might as well be non-existant just like him), i'm mentally worn from trying to compose myself with two crazy drunk chicks and going over ideas with Alie's boyfriend to do their webpage... guy is only in the music industry and is promoting one of the newest members to Def Jam... YAH NO PRESSURE... I just wish I had Danny beside me right now. Just wish he were here to snuggle me and make me feel better. Just wish that I stayed home and finished the 40 pages i have left in that stupid book. Wish i hadnt put myslf in this predicament, wish i didn't fucking call my mom. I just wish i didnt have to deal. I just wish i would fucking pass out. But my hearts racing. Current Mood: stressed Current Music: Rihanna / Rehab (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 27th, 2008
lilmizzjojo	1:55p	(not so) happy thanksgiving. have a good one. i'm staying at home in the company of thyself. i'm sick and tired of everyone. Current Mood: numb (Comment on this)
softersin	12:49p	you chose to deal with it. i chose to walk away. i had to walk away. please understand. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 26th, 2008
softersin	3:39p	I am so inspired. I am so amazed. I feel like generosity is truly divine. It's like what we were always meant to be doing, the kind of thing we should spend our time doing instead of beingso focused on ourselves. (Comment on this)
Monday, November 24th, 2008
lilmizzjojo	12:39p	favorite cereal. i just ate 245 calories of fruity pebble goodness. almost worth it. with thanksgiving coming up, i hope the disordered eating don't all kill themselves before the day is over. oh, and anybody (and there are a lot of them) who talk about twilight being a good movie------- don't believe them. that was the shittiest movie with the shittiest actors i've ever seen. i am embarrassed to say that i even saw the movie. (Comment on this)
punkerxgirl27	12:56p	eventful So I just found out when I got into work that apparently I got star of the month on my team. Hopefully that will make my day go a bit smoother. I woke up a bit panicky so for anyone who I spoke with from 1130 and before... sorry. Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: pearl jam / breath (Comment on this)
punkerxgirl27	1:32a	pretty little suicide I just keep telling myself, its just one day. Clearly from my mini four day vacation the last thing I want to do is go to work tomorrow. Afterall, my day off was Thursday, I bailed on Friday, ditched on Saturday and Sunday is a constant reassurance- so seriously, you can't blame me for suffering a bit of lack of focus but I suppose it all works itself out. I go to work tomorrow, have a vacation day tomorrow, and then Wednesday I work. After that I don't go back to work until Monday. Thursdays paid, fridays paid and saturday is a break. So why can't I just get over the fact that its time to grow up and tough it out? I contemplated going back to school and am determined to go back (if all goes well perhaps it'll be next fall) eventually. Now that I have some other things in my life semi-locked in, its time to start tackling the things I have to do vs actually want to do. I'm going to be fucking twenty in 2 months!!!!!! And that's heartbreaking on some level but cleaarly inevitable. I mean I know deep down ill always be somewhat childish @ heart, but its time to take this fucking awesome, semi-talented brain and put it to good use... not to mention get some cashhhhhh for it. I mean I wanna get this car paid off, do something interesting with my life. Personal life wise, I'm at a steady content pace, just where I am supposed to be. Financially and professional- a little juvenile don't you think? Ugh, one day at a time... ill just leave it at that. I just got out of the most amazing sho0wer ever to top off a real goood weekend. It was just relaxing having all the remnants of sex, sweat, and weed wash away. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about it (well, maybe not the sweat part) but now that I'm here completely blissed out, not to mention just beat, its nice to anticipate it all over again thru these next 6-7 days. The only thing that's hard to get used to once I'm in this state, is the absence of the sound of his breathing right before I fall asleep, that presence. The second that's gone, I miss it. Current Mood: relaxed Current Music: T.I (ft Rihanna) / Live Your Life (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 23rd, 2008
egomaniac	12:22a	When I'm old enough not to Beth Orton - Stolen Car You walked into my house last night I couldn't help but notice A light that was long gone still burning strong You were sitting Your fingers like fuses Your eyes were cinnamon You said you stand for every known abuse That was ever threatened to anyone but you And why should I know better by now When I'm old enough not to? While every line speaks the language of love It never held the meaning I was thinking of And I can't decide over right or wrong I guess sometimes you need the place where you belong Some may sing the wrong words to the wrong melody It's little things like this that matter to me Others feel that you should stand For every known abuse to hand And all the things that they could never see You said you stood For every known abuse that was promised to anyone like you Don't you wish you knew better by now When you're old enough not to? When every line speaks the language of love And never held the meaning I was thinking of And I can't decide over right or wrong You left the feeling that I just do not belong One drink too many And a joke gone too far I see a face driving a stolen car Gets harder to hide When you're hitching a ride Harder to hide what you really saw Oh, yeah, you stand For every known abuse that I've ever seen my way through Don't I wish I knew better by now? Well I think I'm starting to When every line speaks the language of love And never held the meaning I was thinking of And I've lost the line between right or wrong I just want to find the place where I belong Why should you know better by now When you're old enough not to? I wish I knew better by now When I'm old enough not to Current Mood: numb (Comment on this)
Friday, November 21st, 2008
lilmizzjojo	10:24a	my heart wants to burst from the pain. i miss her so much sometimes it's unbearable. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: snow patrol (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 20th, 2008
lilmizzjojo	1:55p	seriously? i feel like some thai in fife..again! really, i didn't have anything worth saying, but i felt compelled to type something up because its been so long. as far as life goes.. well, it's going. i thought i got past most of the speed bumps, but really, don't know if i ever will. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 18th, 2008
punkerxgirl27	8:34p	menthol p.2 This call center is just as unpredictable as my personality. (I was going to say sex drive, but come on... that's a constant state of YES YES AND YES!) there's 5 minutes in between calls, yet two seconds ago there were 15 people in que. I'm sitting here alone. I did have my "Million Little Pieces" but Sheila came over and commented how she wanted to read it... so wahat do I say? SURE YOU CAN BORROW IT!! God for someone who cannot stomach authorities, I sure can be a fucking kiss ass... hey always tryna get ahead. I have zero cigarettes, a splitting headache and my voice keeps cracking evrytime I open up my fucking willingnessstatement... to be honest at times it sounds like I was deepthroating a frog and he just decided not never leave. Yah know... I'm not funny and that's really inappropriate, why am I living. Since I started this rant I've been on & off the phone. And now there are two minutes left. And ill probably get a nasty billing call. OH FUCK. Current Mood: artistic Current Music: HUMMING OF MY PHONE (Comment on this)
punkerxgirl27	5:54p	menthol So I just realized I have blurty'ed at work in a while. My ass is fucking freezing from sitting on a cement step, I should probably go in. Okay... ahhh cubical. So ijust had my last cigarette in my pack, and my head is rushing. Probably doesn't help that I downed the remaining of my Tylenal Daytime cough syrup with a shot of Robitussin. Yeah I'm fuckin rocking. My upsells suck today but I really don't care. I want to go home and sleep. Hell I just want today to end, rush thru tomorrow and go straight to my day off. Yeah I have one minute left. Just thought I'd share. (Comment on this)
punkerxgirl27	3:04p	your 30 seconds of fame. So aside from waking up to a panic attack, going straight to work with 80+ in que, and getting yelled at by some prick in New Jersey, who I'd really like to go back into the account, get down his information and send him a bunch of kiddy porns and have the mother fucker featured on the most recent "How to Catch a Predator", I had a pretty decent night. I mean after work, i went home, had some shrimp scampi some chocolate peanutbutter cookies, read some of Watchmen, talked to my best friend, and then talked to my other best friend who just so happens to be the best damn man in my life (ever!). Now if only i could FALL ASLEEP! Instead i'm sitting here watching Reality Television, which is a bad idea all in its own. I can't stop coughing, which is just disgusting all in its own. I actually can't stand coughing. More then the average person. And my nose isn't sure if it wants to run or just stuff up. It's pretty pathetic when my nasal passage is just as indecisive as it's owner. I don't exactly know how i feel about that. I really have nothing else to say... Shut Up Bitch, Swallow. ps: after the nasty call of the night that had original put me in a bad mood, when i got into my car i realized that my ipod was set on a specific album with a specific song, that just made me perk up. It was Danny's Mix & that's what brought my smile back. After a year, and i still get those stupid fucking butterflies. Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: the Pixies / Hey (Comment on this)