Bipolar Loan Officer with Dysfunctional Relationsh's Blurty|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded in
Bipolar Loan Officer with Dysfunctional Relationsh's Blurty:
|Thursday, June 19th, 2008|
Hey everyone, my family straight up did an intervention and moved me to Newport. I left everything, including my job. I've been pretty down but things are getting better. I got a job at the local newspaper here in the advertising department, today was my second day and I'm really going to like it there. I got approved for state medical benefits and cash assistance, so I will get to see a real doctor and get real meds and they will be paid for, and they let my sister claim me on her food assistance so she gets an extra $115 a month for me. My job is only part time plus commission, but it's right up my alley and I'm really going to like it. I went to the family crisis/crime victims place today and I have an appointment tomorrow for some counseling, and hopefully assistance to get my own place and help me with furniture, rent, deposit, maybe even a freakin car, so I'm getting pretty hooked up. I am so glad I finally decided to leave him.
|Tuesday, May 27th, 2008|
|What a fucking load of fucking bullshit you mother fuckers
I have been working for this company for 2 years. All under the table until 3 months ago when I got promoted to loan officer. I have been begging for medical benefits since I started, and that is part of the reason I have stayed so long.
Obviously with the way this weekend went down I need new meds, and a new doctor. The free clinic just isn't doing it right for me. I am obviously not stable. I have been on payroll for over 90 days now and my boss keeps giving me the fucking run around.
So today I filled out the packet by myself and asked what I should do with it. My boss now says that I have to close 2 loans a month or I can't get medical benefits because it comes out of my paycheck.
I asked what happens if I don't get 2 loans a month, can I just pay the premium on my own? I know my mom would help me out with that.
He said if I don't get 2 loans a month then I am not worth employing.
So STILL no fucking medical benefits. I'm fucking pissed. I've been waiting for 2 years to get medical benefits and I've been getting the fucking run around for 2 years. Now I'm finally eligible and I'm still getting excuse after excuse.
Nowhere in the medical packet does it say you have to close 2 loans per month. What is wrong with me paying the premium if I don't close 2 loans? It's not like they are paying me to be here. I only get paid when a loan goes through, I just want to see a real fucking doctor, is that too fucking much to ask? Current Mood: infuriatedCurrent Music: who fucking cares
|What a crazy ass weekend
So my mom and my sister came to pick me up on Friday after work and took me up to their houses for the weekend. After having a few drinks at my mom's house, she told me that they were planning an "intervention" to get me out of my situation.
They had already planned on using the truck to go in and get only what I needed on Monday, such as clothes, artwork, art supplies, pictures, etc. Leave all furniture and everything else behind. Start a new life in Newport. Stay with my sister, get a job in Newport and start my life all over.
The first night while I was drunk it sounded like a good idea and I even left a drunk message for my boss at midnight letting him know that I was quitting my job.
The second day I was at my sister's I was very depressed and not sure what I wanted to do. I didn't want to leave john hanging like that. It made me feel very bad because I really do still love him and just wish he could get his act together. I bawled all day long.
I called and left another message for my boss, apoligizing for leaving a drunk message, and asking that maybe I could just take a leave of absence for a couple months until I get my life back together.
The third day was the worst. All I wanted to do was go home. The thought of going from a loan officer at a mortgage company to working at McDonald's or Safeway in a little podunk town just wasn't doing it for me. Having to find a new doctor, get food stamps, and even though I love my 5 month old neice and 3.5 yr old nephew, the thought of living with two screaming kids was making me crazy. I just cried and cried.
I needed to talk to John. I needed to let him know this was the final straw and I really do have a plan if he doesn't get his act together. I asked my sister to take me into town so that I could talk to him.
We agreed that things have got to change. He agreed to quit drinking and work on his anger problems and stop leaving me in the middle of the night. It's time to settle down and not party every day anymore. He broke down and started crying as well because he knows how close he came to losing me.
I called my boss this morning and told him that I really jumped the gun and that I am not ready to quit my job at this time. I have more than my foot in the door and three deals on the fence and I'm just not ready to give that up yet. He had quite the talk with me but said that everyone deserves a second chance. I don't want to live in Newport and give up all of my stuff.
So here I am, back at work, and working my ass off to prove that I really want to be here, but it feels great. Much better than sitting at my sister's house alone and depressed.
As much as I love you
As much as I need you
And I cant stand you
Must everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like you for awhile? (No...)
You wont let me
You upset me girl
And then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forgive (that I was upset)
can't remember what you did
But I hate...
You know exactly what to do
so that I cant stay mad at
for too long thats wrong
But I hate...
You know exactly how to touch
so that I dont want to fuss.. and fight no more
said I despise that i adore you
And i hate how much i love you boy (yeah...)
I cant stand how much I need you (I need you...)
and I hate how much I love you boy (oooh whoa...)
but I just cant let you go
and I hate that I love you so (oooh...)
You completely know the power that you have
the only one makes me laugh
Said its not fair
how you take advantage of the fact
that I..will be under reason why
and it just aint right
and I hate how much I love you girl
I cant stand how much I need you (yeah..)
and I hate how much I love you girl
but I just cant let you go
but I hate that I love you so
One of these days maybe your magic wont affect me
and your kiss wont make me weak
but no one in this world knows me the way you know me
so you'll probably always have a spell on me...
As much i love you (as much as I need you)
as much as I need you (oooh..)
as much I love you (oh..)
as much as I need you
and I hate that i love you soooo
and I hate how much i love you boy
I cant stand how much I need ya (cant stand how much I need you)
and I hate how much I love you boy
but I just cant let you go (but I just cant let you go no..)
and I hate that I love you so
and I hate that I love you so... soo...
Current Mood: content
Current Music: Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis
|Friday, May 23rd, 2008|
I got my ass reamed again at work today. I just can't take this anymore. Not a damn thing is going right in my life and I am just ready to give up on everything. I can't stop crying. I feel like there is a big empty hole inside of me and there is nothing to fill it to make me happy again.
I want to die, I seriously do. Then I wouldn't have to deal with any bullshit anymore. I'm done. Current Mood: lonelyCurrent Music: dead silence of the office
|Thursday, May 22nd, 2008|
Fuck me fuck you and fuck everybody else
Well John left me again last night. Because I burned his pizza. But I knew he was going to be leaving as soon as he found out that American Idol was 2 hours long. I was cooking his pizza, and my friend called. I forgot about it, and burnt his pizza to a crisp, and we had no other food in the house. He knew I was cooking it, for him, why couldn't he check it?
Believe me, I felt horrible especially because there was nothing else to eat, but he took off for the entire night again.
It's funny how shit gets around his gossipy family. His brother has been giving me rides to work since our car is broken down, and this morning I asked his brother if John, in past relationships, has ever gotten his act together.
He said that sometimes he has, and sometimes he hasn't.
So then I'm at work, and his sister calls me, says that Gary (John's brother) told his mom, whom he lives with, that John and I are having problems, and John's mom called his sister and she called me at work.
She wanted to know whats going on, and I pretty much told her everything. She told me that they would not feel bad if I left him and that they would not blame me. She said that they really care about me a lot but they know that John is a lot to handle and they wouldn't think any less of me if I left him.
It kind of made me feel a little better, but then a little worse, that this is just how he is and has been in past relationships and he can't take responsibility for himself, he wants to blame everybody else.
So she said that when he gets off work today she is going to have a chat with him. Yet somehow I feel that this is only going to cause a HUGE fight between John and I when he gets home...
I'm having a shitty day. I have a borrower driving in from 2 hours away which I originally quoted that she would be saving $1000 a month if she refinances. Well I royally fucked it up and forgot to put in her second mortgage when I ran her file, and now I found out she will only be saving $321.25 per month.
she's already on her way and sounds very disappointed. I can't blame her. Just goes to show how much my chaotic personal life is affecting my job performance.
I fucked up bad and this could cost me $1676. Current Mood: guiltyCurrent Music: Tool
|Wednesday, May 21st, 2008|
Why is everybody being mean to me today? I just had to call First Horizon and she was rude to me too. What the fuck people. Now I feel like crying and I just want to go home. What a crappy day. Current Mood: crappyCurrent Music: some stupid song on the stupid radio
So weird how other people's attitude can sway your own. I guess it's not weird it just pisses me off.
My morning was ok, John and I didn't talk about much but on my way to work I pumped myself up to have a great day because I have so much work to do and so many new prospects that I have to pitch deals to.
But I get to work and my manager is obviously stressed out or in a bad mood, and he's usually the one that keeps me pumped all day. And then my loan processor is in a very bad mood today and we are having issues with one of my deals and she is just being all snappy at me and talking to me like I'm stupid. Hey lady, I'm still new at this, give me a break.
So now I'm in a pissy mood and I don't feel like working at all, and I have SO MUCH work to do today. If I don't work, I don't get deals done, and if I dont get deals done, I don't get paid.
I was so amped this morning. Now I don't give a fuck. Current Mood: aggravatedCurrent Music: The Widow - Mars Volta - check this out rockinisafetish!!
|Tuesday, May 20th, 2008|
|That's right, I put my foot down
Hell yeah. I told John I wanted all of the people out of the house by the time I got home. And they were. They went to the gospel mission, which is where they should have gone to begin with.
John is working today and will be asking for a draw so we can get some food and cigarettes and if we're lucky, maybe even a bag-o-weed.
American Idol is on tonight, I love you David Cooke!!! Current Mood: bouncyCurrent Music: Cowboys from Hell - Metallica
|Monday, May 19th, 2008|
|Just kill me now
So now we have 2 homeless people living in our apartment. Plus another guy that stays there every now and again. I'm so fucking pissed. Yesterday, all that I asked was to have the house to myself so that I could relax and get caught up on laundry.
instead, there are 3 extra people there, all partying and getting all drunk and stupid and loud. Instead of spending the rest of my paycheck on grocery shopping and a big bag of tobacco to last us for the week, John spent all of our money on little boxes of top tobacco and beer and pizza for everybody. So now we are absolutely broke. All five people that were there yesterday did not have any of their own smokes or food. We are now out of cigarettes, out of food, and have 2-3 homeless people just living in my house.
I'm so fucking sick of this shit. Now I'm at work and tears just won't stop streaming down my face. I can't have a professional life at work and have a personal life full of chaos and drunk people. It just doesn't balance out right, especially since I'm a libra. My scales are all out of whack and I just wanna die. Current Mood: distressedCurrent Music: Hollow - Submersed
|Friday, May 16th, 2008|
|The future's so bright, gotta wear shades
So I called John to see what the hell happened to him last night, and he fucking LEFT and went to a friend's house on the south hill, the other place that he keeps on going. He couldn't come in and tell me he was leaving? He told me he was talking to the neighbors. He was like "you were sleeping." It doesn't fucking matter, if you are leaving for the evening I would like to fucking know about it.
I'm already daydreaming about what it would be like to have my own apartment again. And with all the money I'll be making, since I don't have and don't want a bank account, I was contemplating what to do with all the money, and am thinking about getting a secured credit card to keep my money on. This will help me budget better and I can pay all my bills that way and build my credit back up. I daydream of being able to watch whatever the fuck I want on tv and getting a cell phone again and getting back in touch with all of my friends that I have lost during this relationship. I definitely see a light at the end of my tunnel. Current Mood: optimisticCurrent Music: Addicted - Saving Abel (GREAT song, check it out!)
And my second post of the morning, for my absolutely ecstatic mood...
The deal that didn't know if they were going to go through with the refi called me back today and they are back on board!!
Check this out, now that I'm on full commission...I have 2 deals that are definitely going through. The way the commission works is you get a percentage of the loan amount, and there are 4 tiers. The higher the loan amounts are combined the higher you get paid.
So if I get paid for my Steckler deal this month, I will gross $920. If my McDonagh deal goes through this month (the one that is back on board) I will gross $2190! AAAANNNNNDDD, if they BOTH go through this month, my gross earnings will be $4527. Holy shit batman. Just to talk to people and have them send me their personal documents and come over objections.
I AM going to be making some good money...damn. I have another deal, Rowland, that will fund next month, and if that is my only deal for next month, I will still make $1626.
Maybe I will be ok on my own, even though I won't have steady paychecks, the paychecks I do get will be enough to last the whole month through, as long as I learn how to budget and pay things in advance. Current Mood: excitedCurrent Music: System of a Down
Well, I'm going to write 2 different posts this morning, as I am in two completely separate moods.
First off will be my bad mood. Guess who didn't come home again last night? Yeah, you guessed it. What the fuck dude?
We spent most of the evening after I got off work not talking. He of course got in huge trouble at work yesterday and asked what time i was getting up today. I said 8am, and he was absolutely adament about me waking him up so that he doesn't miss his ride to go to work in the morning.
At like 11:30pm last night he was already drunk of course, and turned to me and said, "Well you're going to bed soon, right?" And I was, because I was tired, and I have to get up in the morning to go to work. He said that some of the neighbors were outside and he was going to go "talk to them for a minute."
I stayed up another half hour, then went to bed. I woke up this morning at 7am, and whadya know? No John. 8:45am rolls around and my ride is there to pick me up. Still no John. So he's obviously fucking work off again today. And that's just great, because we are so fucked right now on rent and our car.
And why the fuck can't you come home if you are at the neighbors house? I'm beginning to think he's cheating on me. He had $475 to give to rent yesterday but we couldn't get ahold of the landlord, and now I fear he's just going to party it all away and we are going to get evicted. Current Mood: anxiousCurrent Music: commercials
|Thursday, May 15th, 2008|
I brought a special cigarette to work today, shhhhh...
John and I roll our own cigs because it is SOOO much cheaper that way. We buy the roller, filters, and papers, and it's just like a real smoke, and it seems there are less chemicals in the tobacco as well.
So today when I was rolling my cigarettes for work, I filled the topof one 1/4 or so with "special" tobacoo, so the first 3-4 drags I take were the special stuff, and the rest was just like a regular cigarette.
And now I'm not so stressed about John and can focus on my job and getting some applications. Current Mood: pleasedCurrent Music: What I've Done - Linkin Park
|What a fucker dude
So John is supposed to be getting paid today. Not very much, because he has been fucking off on his job. But he was also going to ask for a draw on top of his paycheck so that we can get caught up on our rent. But you know the story, last night he went out to jam with his friends, got all drunk and didn't want to wake up this morning, making him late. So of course his boss (brother-in-law) is mad at him.
And instead of being a good little boy and swallowing his pride and going to work, he starts yelling back at Jason and as I was leaving this monring he was telling Jason that he could go to McDonald's and make more money there, and maybe that's what he'll do, just maybe that's what he'll do.
Yeah you tell him.
The pharmacy messed up and gave me my anxiety pills instead of my anti-depressants, and anyone on anti-depressants knows that you can't just stop taking them for 8 days, and John was supposed to pick those up for me today. He's the one that made me miss my doctor appointment in the first place because he was out partying and didn't make it home in time. Now if he doesn't get paid then I'm screwed again.
I mean, I'm finally getting my act together, why can't he? Doesn't he want to take care of his woman? How are we supposed to get married if we can't even pay our bills? All he's doing is dragging me down.
He's mad at me because I'm putting so much time and energy into my job, and instead of wanting to stay up late and drink every night I'm being responsible and getting to bed by 11pm. But if I don't go to work and work hard on getting deals closed, then I don't get paid. I'm on commission only now. But when I do get paid, it's gonna be good money. so why can't he work hard at his job, that's what I'm doing. We're 28 years old, he'll be 29 next month. It's time to grow up pal.
You can't talk to your boss like that, even if he is family, and expect to be treated with respect in return. No way. He's fucking up and I'm not sure how long Jason will let him work for him, and I'm almost positive we will no longer be getting extra money on top of the paycheck to get caught up on rent, let alone if he get's his paycheck at all today. Current Mood: bitchyCurrent Music: Rock 94.5
|Wednesday, May 14th, 2008|
Why is he such a jerk?
GOD Current Mood: annoyedCurrent Music: Crazy Bitch - BuckCherry
Are you serious?
We are only allowed to have 10 friends on blurty? Really? Current Mood: pissed offCurrent Music: Pitiful as you are - not sure who sings it
|Tuesday, May 13th, 2008|
Well I got in trouble at work today. Wanna know why? Just as I had stated before, my personal problems are interfering with my work eithic.
My manager calls me into his office today, he has been in AZ for a week. He heard from the two head honchos that my performance has been lacking. So what do I do? I fuckin break down in his office. Tears, eyeliner and mascara streaming down my face, snot coming out of my nose, the whole nine. It lasted a good half hour.
I told him small details about my personal problems and how things may not be working out in my relationship, John fucking hit me in the arm today, I am out of my meds, we are about to get evicted, I don't have a car, or a cell phone, or anywhere to go. My sister offered to let me live with her but she lives over an hour away and I would have to quit my job.
I'm fucking 28 years old and I made a big old scene in the manager's office of a corporate mortgage company. How cool am I?
He listened, chewed me out for a moment, and then praised me. He said that he thinks this is my calling and that I have so much potential and he is willing to work with me in any way that I can.
I sent an email to the big honchos and the main guy told me that I am a very valuable asset to this company and that I am starting to make really good money with the results that he knows I am able to produce.
That made me feel much better about myself, and I have been highly productive today. Too bad I have to go home to my asshole fiance in an hour... Current Mood: worriedCurrent Music: Daredevil - Static X
|Monday, May 12th, 2008|
|Bipolar loan officer in dysfunctional engagement
Where do I even begin? I am in a bad relationship. I am bipolar. I have borderline personality disorder. But I take my meds. I want to be better and I want to be happy. I finally got promoted to a loan officer and have been doing a damn good job if I do say so myself. John is just bringing me down.
The time has finally come to sink or swim. Salary has ended and I am on commission only. No more piercings and tattoos and spiky hair and punk rocker clothes. I am a professional now. John is so mad at me for wanting to go to bed early and he is mad at how much time and energy I am putting into my job and not wanting to hang out with him. Well yeah, I am getting sick and tired of hanging out with a piss ass drunk guy who is wanting to party every fucking night on icehouse. I'm tired of the beer breath and the fucked up attitude.
I am ready to make something of myself now, and when I come into work all hung over I don't do my job to the best of my ability, and this makes me lose out on deals. I have to be fully functional and focused on my job, I have to give financial advice and talk about legal paperwork. People need to trust me. I can't be a big fucking partier anymore, nor do I want to.
I'm ready for this change in my life. I took out all my piercings. I grew my hair out and dyed it from black to brown/blonde. I wear skirts and I hide my tats. I go to bed early and I get up early and I feel like I finally have a purpose in life.
And here I have this fiance that can't get his fucking act together and it is tearing us apart. Lately he has been getting mad at me for going to bed early and not wanting to hang out with him. Well first of all, he's getting drunk, and I'm tired of hanging out with a guy who's drunk all the time. I have to get to bed early so that I can do a good job at work. So lately for this past month after I have been going to bed, he has been fucking LEAVING the house and going to random people's houses to keep on partying. But he doens't tell me that he's leaving, he waits until I am asleep and then I wake up in the morning to an empty apt with the door unlocked and everything left on in the living room.
This morning he knew I had a doctor appointment at 10am. I need a refill on my meds. Well we were arguing last night and he straight up told me to go to bed. So I did. And whaddya know, I wake up in the middle of the night and he is nowhere to be found, took our cell phone and I didn't have a ride to work OR my doctor appointment this morning.
I re-scheduled my appointment and it is not until next tuesday, so now I am going to be out of my meds for 8 days, and anyone who is on antidepressants know that is a horrible thing to do. I already don't feel like working right now and I am at work. I should be calling people and getting deals together so people can refinance and instead I was absolutely obsessed with finding a way to vent.
I'm ready to leave him but I can't. My paychecks are no longer guaranteed and though i have 2 deals going through right now, who knows how long it will take to fund.
FUCK...one of the people I was just talking about for a refi just fucking called me and told me that his wife is having second thoughts. He really wants to go through with the loan but she isn't sure anymore. He told his wife she has 1 week to think about it. This is going to be a long week.
I am so screwed. We are $1100 behind on rent payments. Our car is in the shop and requires $400 to be repaired, on top of another car payment that is due. We have only one cell phone which is HIS...because HE needs it more than I do, so he takes it with him everywhere he goes. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I'm a good person in a bad relationship starting out on a new professional career path and I'm just totally screwed. Mom and my sister are tired of hearing about him and my problems. I feel so alone. Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Blackhole Sun - Soundgarden