If only you knew, then maybe you'd understand!'s Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
If only you knew, then maybe you'd understand!

[ website | Hardcore Smores official site ]
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[ calendar | blurty calendar ]

I have a government-subsidized money-back guarantee that I will somehow interest you. [05 Oct 2003|08:21pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]
[ music | "Dream to Make believe" --Armor for sleep ]

Stayed home all day, was sick. Erg. Drifted inand out of a groggy sleep and finally go out of bed at 6. May or May not attend an institution of learning tomorrow. May or May not go see a doctor. I wish I had a pet llama.
I miss my Matthew. I got my halloween costume today [naughty nurse from Fredrick's]. Yes, I know. . I am such a slut.

Song of the Moment:

It's funny how,
things work out
the ones we need
don't know we're there
if I were sand
and you were oceans
the moon would be
why you're pulled to me
I wake up and think dreams are real
I sleep so I don't have to feel
the truth that you can never be
the one person that won't ever forget me
I hope that dreams
come when I die
so we can talk
I won't wake up
I'll ask you how
your life worked out
I'll never know
that I'm just dreaming
I wake up and think dreams are real
I sleep so I don't have to feel
the truth that you can never be
the one person that won't ever forget me

Lemme sleep some more...

1 broke| my heart

I always said tonight was a beautiful night to die... [04 Oct 2003|07:38pm]
[ mood | worried ]
[ music | The Auburn Fight Song [watching college football] ]

I have realized that I am worse at updating this than I used to be.

YESTERDAY: I went to school The first newspaper came out. YAY! Went to Matthew's after school and we got into a huge fight. Details below. Then we went out to dinner at Marie Calendar's. It was yummy. Then we went to the football game, and afterwards we went to the dance. It was fun, but it would have been better if I hadn't been so sick. Details below.

TODAY: Went to work from 8-5. Saw my therapist during my lunch hour. We talked about Jen and her freinds and all sorts of other things. I left work a little early because I am still sick.


MY SICKNESS: I have not felt well all week. i spent tuesday vomiting my brains out, wednesday my throat was raw and my brains were leaking out of my nose, thursday I had hardcore body aches, and friday I pissed blood an bloody chunky stuff came out of my pee-hole. EWW. Then today I pissed blood again and almost passed out. Seriously, something is majorly wrong, but I don't want to go see a doctor or go to the hospital or anything because I am scared of what they might find. What if I die?

THE FIGHT: Me and Matthew got into a fight. He was in the kitchen doing the dishes and I walked up behind him and hit him. Then he flinched and got a tad bit of water on me and I looked at him all shocked and stuff and he said, "I didn't do that on purpose, if I had doen it on a purpose I would have doen this--" and then he poured tons of soapy water on my shirt, face, and in my mouth. Then he ran outside and held the screen door shut so I couldn't beat his ass. Finally he came back in the house and started doing the dishes again and by that time I had gone into his room and grabbed a bunch of his stuff like his blanket, shoes, CDs, cologne, and taz box thingy and walked out the front door and threw it on the lawn. Then he locked me out of the house, and his mom let me back in. he started to get all mad and so when he went out and was picking up the stuff on the lawn, I went back in his room and got more stuff like all his boxers and shoes and dumped that onto the lawn. Then he wouldn't talk to me or kiss me when i tried to get him to, and so we locke dourselves in his room and talked. And kissed. And made up. His final quote was, "I hope we have lots of days like this when we are married where we fight and stuff because then we can always have crazy make-up sex."

I love Matthew. Forever and a day would not be long enough. . . .

But this pissing blood thing. . . It's got me a wreck. . I'm worried all to hell and now I have a 103.6 fever and chills and body aches and head aches. . . sigh.

1 broke| my heart

Once again, I am in total control. .. [02 Oct 2003|10:00pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]
[ music | TIGGERific songs ]

Only have time for a wuick update. School was okay, and that stupid bitch heard that I was gonna fuck her up, so she "got sick" and went ot see the nurse right before I could beat her ass. . . oh, well. . there will be action tomorrow. . . . . .

My beloved Matthew has a journal that I prettyfied for him. . . www.greatestjournal.com/~frozenspacepoop. . . . yeah.. . anyways. . . . . .

Night folks.

SECRET PALS TOMORROW!!

my heart

Rant session 4587: JEN STRUBERG AND COMPANY [01 Oct 2003|09:58pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]
[ music | "Screaming Infidelities" --Dashboard Confessional ]

As told to the readxmyxlips community:

There is this girl named Jen Struberg at my school. I am a junior and she is a sophomore. I have 4th period fashion with her and four of her friends whom I all hate. Now before this year, I never liked this girl nor her brother, so this string of current events has not been the beginning of my passionate hatred for her. So on the third day of school my best friend and I went to school on C3 [it's a cold medicine that works great when you're sick but puts you in a hazy state of mind and it's EXACTLY like your drunk] and I asked her if she played football cuz I know she hates football. So the next day we're in fourth period and she and her friends keep making comments about how she is on the football team and she has practice and blah blah blah. So it really annoys me and finally I turn to my friend Britney and say really loudly, "You know, Brit, only DYKES play football." And she comes up to me and was like, "Did you just call Jen a Dyke?" and I was like, "you figure it out." And she slapped me, but before I could hit her back, the teacher seperated us and she got suspended for two days.

Then last thursday [3rd week of school] I am talking to my friend Laura and we're walking down the hall and she's talkign about her boyfriend and sex and stuff and I go, "Laura! You're such a . . . " and as we turn the corner. . ". . . SLUT!" I finish, only to be standing right in front of Jen. So Jen thought I called her a slut, but I didn't cuz I don't give a flying rat's ass what Jen does. . it's not like she could get any anyway. So the next day I'm walking to fashion and she has her three friends "jump" me. They didn't kick my ass or anything I just got right back in their faces and talked shit right back to them.

So today I'm walking into class and her bitchiest friend KICKS me. She KICKED me. How childish is that?

Yes, everyone, the girl kicked me. NOW IT IS FUCKING ON.

And here's my AOL rant --

I hate aol. . I am going to castrate its maintainers with a rusty aids infected razor blade and gently pluck apart the schrotum with my razor sharp teeth and maybe a ka-bob skewer.

And here's my rant/random fact about Miss Woods [English Teacher]:

At back to school night tonight, she said "you know" 64 times, "okay" 42 times, "alright" 37 times, and "Uh" or "Uhm" 134 times, all in a total of 8 minutes and 17 seconds. How's that for proper English?

The End.

1 broke| my heart

Whether you want to see America or Middle Earth. . . [30 Sep 2003|08:15pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]
[ music | "What did I ever see in him?" [Bye Bye Birdie] ]

YESTERDAY: School was okay, but then when my twin and I got home, mom talked to us. . Yeah, we got busted for our hanous crimes that we commited on in the wee hours of the morning on Sunday. Then had rehearsal. Was fun, but simplistic. I hope heather and I get the roles of Lewis and Clarke. That'd be awesome. Then came home, and did stuff. Carolina came over and we chatted. Was fun. Sure do love that girl. Stuart called and talked to me for like, 45 minutes with his accent. MMMM. yummie. THE END.

TODAY: Me and my twin went to school skipped on C3 in order to alleviate all the stress from getting busted. It kinda back-fired on me and got me sick. I spent 2nd period puking until I passed out and then had to argue my way out of the nurses office sayign I was fine and then walking into the door. STUPID dizziness. Then I forgot where my 2nd period was so I walked over and joined PE. School went okay. I was "elected" director/choreographer of the Play Prod's musical number and yeah. After school , me and my twin worked on solos then dragged mom and dad to a meeting for cast members of the play and their parents. Then came home and now am here. No, not home with my twins, home with my half of the parental units. UGH.

I dunno what was up with me and Matthew today. I just. . I didn't want him to touch me, didn't want to kiss him. . nothing. I dunno. Maybe. . maybe C3 wasn't such a great idea. Jason always said that it made you un-horny. . . . sigh.

1 broke| my heart

You just took my soul with you. . . [28 Sep 2003|09:46pm]
[ mood | energetic ]
[ music | "Toucha-Toucha-Toucha-Touch Me" --Janet Weiss [rocky Horror] ]

Matthew and I are happily back together. He brought me breakfast/lunch this morning. we made up last night. the world is back to normal, yet i can't help but feel a bit put off by the whole matter. i'm still rather upset because he said that i hurt him. How? I never wanted to hurt him, and would do anything to not hurt him. I love him.

Yesterday: almost got killed by greg. Bought Neelam a black rose. Went to Matthew's last night before the incident and hung out. Superglued all kinds of shit to tables and shelves in his room. Glued all his Cds together. Yes, i know, I'm such a great girlfriend. :) last night me and my goat twin did evil things for money. . read my greatestjournal for the dirty details that i can't give here!

Today: Blockbuster. Mass. Watched "grease" to get ideas for our Bye Bye Birdie choreography. Then me and heather worked on our solos. We have the BEST songs. GO PROSTITUTES!!

Well, my life is back to normal.

I LOVE MATTHEW no matter what.

1 broke| my heart

Just wither away. . . [27 Sep 2003|09:43pm]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | "I need you" --Leanne Rymes ]

Matthew and I broke up.

All I can do is cry.

I am going to die.

How did I hurt you? What about me?

my heart

It may not seem like a big deal to you all. . . [27 Sep 2003|04:33pm]
[ mood | scared ]
[ music | "Stacey's MOM" ]

OMG.

HOLY SHIT.

I saw Greg. Well, he saw me first. And tried to run me over.

Yes, he tried to kill me and my twin.

Now does everyone understand why I am so scared of this guy?

He's a psychotic ex. Now I am off to cry.

4 broke| my heart

[27 Sep 2003|02:24pm]
[ mood | content ]
[ music | "White Flag" - DIDO ]

ERG. I am flabergasted. I took a quiz on how me and matthew are meant to be and look at these results:

"You've certainly found someone you can get along with, but you're not boyfriend/girlfriend material. Keeping him/her as a friend will be just fine for you two. Or maybe you're just too shy to tell him/her how you really feel, and you don't want to give any hints... "

WHAT THE FUCK? Could they be anymore wrong?

Then there was the quiz about how well he treats me:

"This guy is above-average. He treats you like a princess. Are you sure he's human? Hold on this guy; he's a keeper!"

Then there's the does he really love you quiz?

"WOW...your relationship is perfect! Are you sure you answered all the questions honestly?"

Yes, we are perfect no matter what that damn first quiz said!!

my heart

Like a thorn in my side the size of an suv. drive it through because backing up would be impossible [26 Sep 2003|09:03pm]
[ mood | mischievous ]
[ music | "Fucked up Girl" -- Vandals ]

I hate Jen Struberg. End of story.

Made fall play. I'm on the list!! YAY! So was Cale, Laura, Kyle, Kevin B., Jason, My Twin, Ally, Amy, Brigiette, Rachel, Don, and soem other people whose names I can't seem to remember. . . . but I love them all :)

Parental units are out of town for a week.

Staying at my twin's.

Oh, and I made it a point to have revenge on Jen. .. and oh, yes, I am definitely making progress. [mwuuuaaaahhhaaaahhaaaa]

1 broke| my heart

I've said enough, enough by now. I can't let go, I can't get out. [25 Sep 2003|11:22pm]
[ mood | nervous ]
[ music | "I wanna be sedated" -- The Ramones ]

Where to start? Had a busy day, to say the least.

I hate Mr. Palazzo. Have my essay packet and a paper on John Locke due tomorrow. haven't finished either. Will stay up all night until I do.

Ms. Woods told us we have a quiz tomorrow on the video I've been sleeping through the last two days. Great.

Actually sang in Chorus today. Oh, what fun.

Was called in by Dr. Griffiths. Mr. Black and Mr. Gross were there. What fun. I will not be switching out of Palazzo after all.

Finished my backpack in Fashion. Had to look at Jen Struberg's hairy ass. It's so fuckign gross. Whaddabitch.

Had Choir club meeting at lunch. Started planning battle of the bands.

Led warm-ups in Play Prod. Then we worked on our musical number from "Bye Bye Birdie."

Sat in Smokes at did nothing. Talked ot Molly and Genie. Had a sub.

Went to Callback. Did better today than yesterday. Confident, but still nervous.

Went to Matthew's. Was horny, but no action. STUPID TRAFFIC SCHOOL and HOMEWORK. Grrr.

Went to Football game. We lost 17-14. Not bad. Last week was worse.

Came home. Now doing homework.

Thinking of Matthew:
Before I met you
I never had a clue about
What I was missing.
Then I found the truth in the way you’re kissing me...
It’s been so long since we’ve kissed.
I never knew that love could feel quite like this.
And our lips meet, touch the skies.
Hold you closely, close my eyes.
Love is building, by these clothes.
Passion rising, forgotten glows.
And this moment we’re both here
I close my eyes…
I’d give my world for you
To have you feel the same way I do.
Spend my life right here with you
I want to be the world for you.
The world for you…


I love him more than life itself.

I want to go to the LA county Fair. . somebody take me? My sister went today and brought me back mardi gras beads. . woo-hoo.

I need sex. I've got condoms, and Matthew's got a penis. . but alas. Stupid marriage.

2 broke| my heart

You grew up way too fast and now there's nothing to believe. . . [24 Sep 2003|07:48pm]
[ mood | exanimate ]
[ music | "The telephone hour" from "Bye Bye Birdie ]

School. Auditions. Cancelled on Al [therapist].

Made callbacks. YAY!

So did Laura, My Twin, Cale, Ally, Kevin Z., Kevin B. [my newest freshie crush] and a buncha other people who I don't care or can't remember. YAY for us!

I am totally madly in love with Matthew James .

MJB + SAD forever.

my heart

I finally found someone to hold. . forever. [23 Sep 2003|07:46pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]
[ music | "I wanna get in your pants" -- The cramps ]

Today was blah. School as usual, but I was sick and bitchy all day. I swear, I cannot stand stupid bitches and nagging cheerleaders and especially NOT freshmen on these kind of days. I tried to get switched out of Palazzo's class since I am scared out of my mind because of yesterday [he picked up the desk while Matt Lombadero was still sitting in it and threw it at me. Now you all know, Matt's a big nuff guy. . ] but only succeeded in scoring a conference with Mr. Black [the VP], Mr, Gross [the Prez], Mr. Palazzo [the teach][, Dr. griffiths [ the counselor], and my mom and I. So tomorrow before fall play auditions, I have a conference, and oh, yes, I WILL BE SWITCHING OUT.

We got out early today. . that was fun. Went to Matthew's with him and Xaviere. Me and Xaviere got into a "fight" cuz I called him a wierdo black guy, and Matthew succeeded in punching Xaviere in the jaw and giving him a bloody lip. Interesting. I love my Matthew. Then Xaviere left and me and so did Matthew's mother and cousin and little sister and his brother was at his friend's house and his stepdad was sleeping cuz he works nights. . and yeah. It was just me and Matthew. . . .

So we're in his room, going at it, when the FUCKING DOOR BELL rings. . and who is it? STUART. Stuart was at the damn door. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Then I had to leave early and that sucked. ERG.

And I have 6 essays due in Palazzo tomorrow and am not in the mood to write. ERG.

Well, on the bright side, Fall play auditions are tomorrow. I can't wait. Hopefully thursday you'll get some good news about me making callbacks and then friday even better news about me making the play. . . . . hopefully.

I see my therapist tomorrow. Boy, will he be getting an earful. Yes'sir-eebob.

I am soooooo madly in love .

Yay for me and Matthew and Laura and Everett. Yay for us. And Steph and Tyler, too. YAY for sex. Yay for love.

3 broke| my heart

And we melted together, two becoming one. . [22 Sep 2003|08:56pm]
[ mood | loved ]
[ music | "i wanna grow old with you" ]

Not much to say. School as usual.

Went to Matthew's after school. Had fun. Did naughty things. :)

This is Mine and Matthew's song:

i wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
carry you around when your arthritis is bad
all i wanna do is grow old with you
i'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
build you a fire if the furnace breaks
oh it could be so nice, growin old with you
i'll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold
need you, feed you, i'll even let you hold the remote control
so let me do the dishes in the kitchen sink
put you to bed when you've had too much to drink
oh i could be the man to grow old with you
i wanna grow old with you


I am sooooo in love with Matthew. I never wanna lose him. I never wanna let go.

This is forever.

3 broke| my heart

we were meant to live for so much more... [20 Sep 2003|08:45pm]
[ mood | lonely ]
[ music | "I miss you so much" -- TLC ]

I miss Matthew SOOOOO much. I know he ins't too far, just a few hours. . but I canot stand not being with him. God forbid we ever have to be apart for very long. I miss Matthew. I miss Matthew. I miss Matthew. I miss Matthew. I miss Matthew. I miss Matthew. I miss Matthew. I miss Matthew. I miss Matthew. I miss Matthew. I miss Matthew. I miss Matthew. I miss Matthew. I miss Matthew. I miss Matthew. I miss Matthew. I miss Matthew. I miss Matthew. I miss Matthew. I miss Matthew. I miss Matthew. I miss Matthew. I miss Matthew. I miss Matthew. I miss Matthew. I miss Matthew. I miss Matthew.

my heart

(((I cy these tears because I miss you))) [20 Sep 2003|05:17pm]
[ mood | lazy ]
[ music | The sound of my heart crying out for Matthew. . . ]

Matthew is faraway and I miss him. Sigh. I finally cleaned my damn room. ERG. It was such a pig-sty. Then I started to do my history homework [8 FUCKING essays!!!], but only succeeded in making a collage of me and matthew pictures and random saying about love form magazines. . . . Then I took this quiz. . . yeah, yeah, I know. . homework. . . I'll get to it. . eventually. . . . .

A - Act your age? never
B - Born on what day of the week? friday [the thirteenth]
C - Chore you hate? cleaning ANYTHING
D - Dad's name? Stuart Gordon Douglas
E - Essential makeup item? chapstick
F - Favorite actor/actress? Colin Farrell/ Sandra Bullock
G - Gold or silver? silver
H - Hometown? Culver City & Torrance [I commute--big word!!]
I - Instruments you play? Bass Guitar and Piano
J - Job title? Receptionist/ Filing Assistant
K - Kids? Yes, the mini-barnhart's
L - Living arrangements? parents and siblings and grandpa
M - Mom's name? Sharron Kaye Lowell
N - Number of people you've slept with? five [I know, I am a slut]
O - Overnight hospital stays? Too many
P - Phobia? SPIDERS!!!!!!! YICK!
Q - Quote you like? Love is something that will eventually find you. . wether you like it or not, but you will be in love with love once it has found you
R - Religious affiliation? Ashley-ist
S - Siblings? four half [Alysha Nicole, Kayla Kristine, Katelyn Kaylani, Amanda Rose], 2 step [Micheal and Shaun], a twin [Heather], and one older [Ruthie]
T - Time you wake up? 4:30 am for school. . . 9 or 10 on the weekends
U - Unique talent? My belly button ring :) [Matthew]
V - Vegetable you refuse to eat? Most of them
W - Worst habit? I'm a straight-forward bitch. I WILL TELL YOU exactly what I think. Maybe I'm too honest?
X - X-rays you've had? about a million
Y - Yummy food you make? mine and my twin's "bad-day" creations. . [whipped cream, ice cream, cookie dough, frosting, cheesecake, and syrup. . mmmmm]
Z - Zodiac Sign? Pisces


for or against.
[x.] teenage smoking = Smoking causes impotence
[x.] doing drugs = Depends what kind and how often
[x.] premarital sex = For
[x.] driving drunk = against!!!!
[x.] soap operas = only degrassi. . LOL



[x.] Current Clothes: well, I am nekkid, actually. . heh heh.
[x.] Current Mood: BORED and lazy
[x.] Current Taste: pepsi after-taste
[x.] Current Hair: up in a bun/rat's nest thingy
[x.] Current Annoyance: Matthew is gone!!!!! DAMN family reunions!!
[x.] Current Smell: Matthew's cologne
[x.] Current Book: My history book
[x.] Current DVD: Practical Magic .
[x.] Current Refreshment: Pepsi
[x.] Current Worry: Not seeing Matthew tomorrow

On Dating....

[x.] Long or short hair? short
[x.] Dark or blond hair? blonde or red
[x.] Tall or short? taller than me, but not too tall
[x.] Mr. Sensitive or Mr. Funny? Mr. Funny
[x.] Good girl/boy or bad girl/boy? A mixture of both
[x.] Dark or light eyes? light
[x.] Pierced or no? pierced

On preferences....

[x.] Chocolate milk or hot chocolate? chocolate milk
[x.] McDonalds or Burger King? Micky D's
[x.] Marry the perfect lover or the perfect friend? friend
[x.] Sweet or sour? sweet
[x.] Root Beer or Dr. Pepper? DP
[x.] Sappy/action/comedy/horror? Sappy/comedy
[x.] Cats or dogs? dogs
[x.] Ocean or Pool? ocean
[x.] Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese? I HATE DORRITOS!!! THEY ARE GROSS!!!
[x.] Mud or Jell-O wrestling? jello-sex, mud-wrestling. . :)
[x.] With or without ice-cubes? with
[x.] Shine or rain? depends on my mood. . I like both
[x.] Winter/Summer/Fall/Spring? Summer/Winter
[x.] Vanilla or Chocolate? Mmmm. Vanilla Ice Cream/ Chocolate Candy
[x.] Gloves or mittens? Gloves
[x.] Eyes open or closed? closed
[x.] Fly or breathe under water? breathe
[x.] Bunk-bed or waterbed? waterbed
[x.] Chewing gum or hard candy? I HATE GUM. I WON'T CHEW IT. I like CANDY.
[x.] Motor boat or sailboat? motor
[x.] Lights on or off? off
[x.] Chicken or fish? Fish. . CHICKEN DESERVE TO LIVE

Have you ever...

[x.] Fallen for your best friend? Yes
[x.] Made out with JUST a friend? Yes, at one time. . .
[x.] Been in love? Yes
[x.] Cheated on someone? Yes

Have you/are you/do you....

[x.] Considered a life of crime? No
[x.] Considered being a hooker? Yes
[x.] Considered being a pimp? All the time
[x.] Are you psycho? Yes
[x.] Split personalities? Yes
[x.] Schizophrenic? Yes
[x.] Obsessive compulsive? Yes
[x.] Panic? No
[x.] Anxiety? Yes
[x.] Depressed? Not lately
[x.] Suicidal? Not lately
[x.] Obsessed with hate? No
[x.] Dream of mutilated bodies, blood, death, and gore? No
[x.] Dream of doing those things instead of just seeing them? No
[x.] Understanding: Yes
[x.] Open-minded: Yes
[x.] Interesting: Yes
[x.] Hungry: No
[x.] Friendly: Yes
[x.] Childish: Yes
[x.] Difficult: Yes
[x.] Attractive: Yes
[x.] Thirsty: Yes
[x.] Responsible: Yes
[x.] Sad: Yes, cause Matthew is gone :(
[x.] Happy: Yes, cause I have Matthew forever :)
[x.] Trusting: No
[x.] Talkative: Yes
[x.] Lonely: ALL THE TIME. . LOL [Matthew. . :)]
[x.] Floss daily? No
[x.] Own a webcam? No
[x.] Ever get off the damn computer? Yes

Which of your friends is the. . .
[x] Funnest? Laura
[x] Funniest? Cale and Kyle
[x] Cutest? Matthew
[x] Nicest? Heather
[x] Moodiest? Me
[x] Coolest? Ruthie and Justin
[x] Most Popular? Er. . . Elmo, I guess.
[x] Most Random? Me
[x] Wierdest? Brittany and Kirk
[x] Clingy-est? Jason and Nathan
[x] Dumbest? Matthew :)
[x] Ghettoest? Elmo!
[x] Most Original? Europa and Molly
[x]Most Creative? Heather
[x] Most talented? Heather
[x] Loudest? Laura!!!
[x] Quietest? Hei-Jin
[x] Angriest? Me. . lol
[x] Pimp-est? Umm, Matt [the freshie] and Elmo
[x] Sluttiest? Me and Heather
[x] Sexiest? Matthew
[x] Smelliest? Matthew . . in a good way, though. . mmmm VOODOO
[x] Happiest? Stephanie and Ashley [Vance]
[x] Saddest? Stuart
[x] Most stubborn? Ruthie

1 broke| my heart

I love it when the only sound I hear is the two of us. [20 Sep 2003|10:40am]
[ mood | busy ]
[ music | the sound of me missing Matthew. . . ]

YESTERDAY: School. Rally. Accidentally wore freshie colors. Some asshole was like, "HEY! FRESHMAN CAN'T SIT WITH THE SENIORS!" Yeah, go fuck yourself. Told Stephan to Fuck off and more ensued, but I shall not go into that matter for the fact that it aggravates me. I had to Work, so I worked and couldn't see Matthew after school :( Oh, well. he ditched me for the black guy anyway. [FYI: Elmo doesn't like me. He thinks I "stole" his buddy and that I am rascist. Whatever.] Last night I walked a LOOOOONNNGGGG four blocks to school with my little sister and went to CC high [GOOOOO CENTAURS!] and watched the football game. ERG. West lost 41-7, and we're lucky we even got the 7. Colten broke his ankle and Gonzolez [our punter] fucked up his knee ALL IN THE FIRST QUARTER. Rockmore got sacke dlike, 8 times, threw THREE interceptions, and 22 incompletes. We didn't even cross the 50 yd. line until 3rd quarter, and then George Jones was ALL in the clear and he couldn't make the fucking catch. Finally, with 2:22 left in the fourth, rockmore made a beautiful 15 yd pass to Brandon Oster and we scored. Finally. Talk about embarrassing. And that was that. West High football SUCKS. Hoem game next week vs. El Segundo.

TODAY: Woke up to Matthew's voice. Sigh. :) He is going to his family reunion thingy today. I was supposed to go, but I am sick. ERG! Then I made a new journal cuz this new site i found is WAYYYYY cooler. But I will still be updatign here. I love blurty too much to let go, even if it CAN be pretty gay.

NEW JOURNAL: www.greatestjournal.com/~wingless_soul

Okay, folks, I got 8 essays do Monday, and A room to clean. Better get crackin'.

1 broke| my heart

These tears in my eyes are not being cried for you. [18 Sep 2003|07:51pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]
[ music | "It's 5 o'clock somewhere" -- Toby Keith and Jimmy Buffet ]

Nothing special. Chior meeting. talked with Laura. Heather got her car attacked my soem ASSFUCK. Went off on Mike Daniels. He seriously needs to stay the fuck away form me. That asshole. Went to Matt's. .. we made love. . NO, we did NOT have sex. . . we just made love. . long story. . . . . anyways, I gotta do a ton of homework. I hate school. Palozzo can kiss my ass.

2 broke| my heart

I just wanted to spin right into your arms. . . [16 Sep 2003|07:06pm]
[ mood | high ]
[ music | "Pee in the shower" -- Guttermouth ]

School. BAH HUMBUG! Nothing amazing. . . . um, Laura and I got voted as Choir Treasurers. LOL. Great. I'm in a class I don't want to be in, and I'm doing something I don't want to do [math]. Interesting. I told Stephan "FUCK YOU." and me and heather spent the whole day skipped up on C3. . saw my therapist for an hour. . . ummmmm, that's it. I HAVE TO PEEEEEEEEE.

5 broke| my heart

"I love you" doesn't fit this moment. . . . but "I love you" is what I mean. [15 Sep 2003|09:16pm]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | Matthew's random guitar rifts. . . ]

I have a rash from shaving without shaving gel under my armpit so now I scratch like I have mother fucking fleas.

School. Blech.

US History: Lectured by Palozzo about Columbus. He doesn't make sense. First it's Columbus is NOT responsible for slavery. . DAMN LIBERALS! And then it's. . balme Columbus for everything. . and Father Sierra, too. Okay, surrrrrreeee, buddy. I spent the whole time drawing Winnie-the-Pooh and random geometrical shapes for my dearest Matthew.

Literary Heroes: Did presentations. Spent 15 minutes doing a BAD acting thingy on purpose. It was obvious bs, but Woods is a ditz. She gave us a 108%. How groovy is that?

Mixed Chorus: We moved seats so now we are a close-knit family. Oh, yay. Then we did secret pals. I got a boy, but I don’t think it’s safe to say who. . . Laura got that one boy. . heh heh. Poor doll. I wrote that I had an “Underoos fetish” and wanted handcuffs. .. heh heh.

Fashion Construction: Boring. We went over how to thread the sewing machines and my bobbin winder was being gay. FUCKING BOBBINS! Grr. . . but anyways, I have all my supplies now thanks to my goat twin and the 99 cent store. . WOOT WOOT!

Play Production 4: Played improv games that I loved. [What are you doing? And Bippity Bippity Bop] Worked on finding characters for our monologues. . . Flashed people and played that WHO IS THE LEADER game. . was fun as drama should be!

Smokes Signals [Newspaper]: Talked to Molly about my article concerning Ms. O. . . switched articles with Andrew so now he’s doing that killer opinion piece and I am now the reporter for the varsity football team until end of season. {helloooooo, Colten!} And I still have that Club Rush review to do for Jenny and the news. . . We get our press passes Tomorrow. . YAY!

After School I ditched my oh, so lovely job to hang out with my sweetheart, Mattie. We did HIS homework {I still have a gallon or so left to do on mine}, and then we went to the park. We explored around and “discovered” these empty drainage pipes that were believe it or not, CLEAN, and yeah. . naughty things then ensued. I washed his car, and he dissected and ate cheese pizza. We then proceeded to do OTHER naughtier things and when his pants came off, I precumjilated all over his sexy black boxers. . . Too much personal info? OOPS! My bad. Heh Heh. I am a naughty, naughty girl. A condom or two may be required on Wednesday when his family has disappeared. . . [naughty, mischievous grin].

Why is it that it NEVER feels right to say “I love you” during sex and/or sexual favors? It just feels. . like maybe the other person will think you are only saying it cuz of what is going on. . . .

I love you, Matthew.

3 broke| my heart

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