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Saturday, February 8th, 2003
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6:37 pm - eliash #6
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such a clear sky. blue beyond belief. they were sitting on a bench, elias and his best friend james. james, his fierce eyes glistened in the bright light, too bright for an autumn afternoon like that, ish. it had rained just few hours earlier. they had skipped school and stood in a doorway sharing headphones blasting out a mixtape of morrissey and the smiths. just staring at the raindrops hitting the ground, going out of their shelter every once and a while to feel the rain hit their dirty faces washing away the scum. until it stopped. just like that.
hair was still wet, not dripping but still. james ran his skinny fingers thru eliash' black and blue hair, like bruises, feeling his skull and the water on his skin, fingerskin and the palm of his hand. rested his arm on his shoulder, like they do in the movies, when kids go on dates to the movies and try to get a bit closer. the boys do that. boys always do that in the movies. eliash didnt pull away. he never pulled away. but he felt such a beautiful thee most gorgeous chill down his spine when james touched him, maybe pulled him a little bit closer. an accidental kiss on his stick out bony collarbone, forehead against his cheek, breath in slowly out, a public place, bright day light for god's sake. elias closed his eyes and imagine things happen he was too shy and akward to ask for and everyone else thought they did, on regular basis. they drew little hearts in the air, tired and happy. in a way.
suddenly it started raining again. out of the blue, the sky, where else? people ran for cover, surprised by the water. but they stayed. hummed a song about the atombomb. heartquakes and black nail polish stains on their hands, like nicotine stains. paint. ink. eliash had skribled a word to his chest. over his pseudo heart (the right side, not left) darling. but he wouldnt tell what it was. maybe, maybe it was a name. i dont know.
in less than a minute everyone else was gone, out of sight somewhere inside, hiding. as if they were made of sugar. they werent. no sweetness, just blandness, mediocrity rules. but eliash and james, they were made of sugar. but they rain, it did not melt them like sugarlumps melt in your cup of tea. it just added extra to their sweetness.
like clockwork, wired together knowing each others every thought and move by heart, heart beat as if they were their own. they raise their heads. a kiss, lips moving, a proper one, not just a peck, ish, teasing. but the real thing. in the rain, like a secret, eyes closed. then, everything back to normal, like it was before the kiss. a quick stroken of the cheek with a hand. shhh.
current music: bright eyes - oh you are the roots that sleep beneath . . .
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| Friday, February 7th, 2003
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3:57 pm - xy³
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once, a boy told me something. eventually he broke my heart and had me crying for a month, but i dont care. i cried for days at my dreadful summerjob i started on my eighteenth birthday, the last day before he left, came back for a weekend but that is when he left, stopped living supposedly on a mattress on my floor but really on my bed with his ear on my tummy making funny noises laughing at baywatch, hungry for blood in the taxidriver. jodie foster, such a fucking teenage whore. i have a picture of her on my wall.
we sat in a park, in the city. wednesday morning, early morning, the shops barely open. mist in our hair, me shivering, wearing his lace shirt. a lot of good did that do. he always hated suede but that shirt, it was so brett anderson circa whenever the first album was released that it makes me laugh now that i think about it. we had bought cigarettes and vanilla pudding from the shop on the corner five minutes after it opened
but im so cynical about boys. i'm so disenchanted by the words that come out their mouths, when they tell you youre beautiful and throw compliments that sometimes make no sense. i never expect them to actually mean it. i expect them to lie. just to get into my pants. because ive seen my tv, ive heard my stories.
current music: justin timberlake feat. clipse - like i love you
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| Thursday, February 6th, 2003
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3:56 pm - dear xy,
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darling. i would like to believe your words. the compliments. my prettyness, my eyes, how my back is smooth and it arches beautifully, the way you sleepily whisper 'dont go' from underneath your duvet when i have to leave town. ive seen my tv. ive heard my stories. the stories that all tell me 'men are lying bastards.' how you only think with your dick. all that. i'm so cynical about your words without any experience of my own. i dont expect to see you ever again. i dont expect a call, an email from you. i just dont expect it. im too cynical to believe that you would actually mean a word that comes from your mouth. too cynical to believe you would actually want me, and just weren't in a drunken state where anything goes.
and hey, i dont even like boys. i'm supposed to be a flaming lesbian feminist, hate men and wear pride stripes across my heart. thats what i'm supposed to be.
current music: the ronettes - be my baby
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| Wednesday, February 5th, 2003
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5:21 pm - 1/2
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harkitsen vakavasti. jos parannuskeinoa ei löydä, minä teen reikiä itseeni.
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empty words of love and trust
like poison seeping from the lips of mankind
stars fade and fall because of you
your evil ways, such obscene thoughts
hell is other people.
- - - -
triple elvis 1
he says
'please insert
vodka via drip'
(the first & last words off his lips)
syringes
filled up
my pockets
endless
he sins
drinks me red
vodka on my lips
boyhips
fill it up
my pockets
endless
xxxx
tomorrow, i swear
i wont act this way.
- - - -
triple elvis 2
the sound of your voice
on the telephone
an hour long distance
will haunt me for months
in june's phone bill
needles & pins
please insert voda with a syringe
this is drunken haze face
of red vodka, over flow
your heart, long distance
now december haunts
months later,
i left my heart in the freezer.
current music: desaparecidos - the happiest place on earth
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| Tuesday, February 4th, 2003
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4:27 pm - mie tartten;
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+ värikyniä
+ kartonkia
+ andy postimerkkejä (ameriikan yhdysvallat)
+ inspiraatiota
+ reiät korviin & edie korvikset 11,58 e paikallinen trendipulju.
+ pusuja, ja oman pseudokullan?
+ VAHVAN HUMALATILAN
+ smiths (vs joy division) diskon
+ bright eyesia. conor <3
+ bändiäksöniä, skenebeibeilyä
+ lottovoiton & avril (ick!) vyön top shopista.
current music: hot hot heat - talk with me, dance with me
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| Monday, February 3rd, 2003
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2:07 pm - 1
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ehkä en koskaan ole ollut niin päissäni. pullokaupalla ananasvodkaa ja sinistä purukumilimsa vs. vodkaa sitten junassa. käytiin lauran kanssa kusella ja hirmuinen hihitys, hetkittäin alkoi melkein pelottamaan kun tom lupasi minullekin puolikkaan taikapavun ja minä sitten olin 'uskallanko?' ja uskalsinhan minä. kunhan olimme _siellä_ olleet jonnin aikaa se ilmestyi jostain nurkan takaa vaivihkaa ja pisti jonkin hassun pillerin suuhun. ja punaista alkopoppia. 'älä pureskele sitä, nielaise se kokonaisena,' se sanoi ja juotti sitä punaista alkopoppia.. sitten soi jotain ihanaa & minä revin sen lattialle hihasta (vaaleanpunainen, sanoi jotain emptiness.) & kai minun kieli oli taas sen suussa & toisin päin.
mie ehdin kaatua ja teloin itseni jo ennen kuin me edes päästiin _sinne_ asti. höpsö pieni. hortoili humalaisesti eikä kukaan ollutkaan ottamassa kiinni.
kaikki olivat kuin vanhoja ystejä. hej! & halaus. enkä minä heti tajunnut että se oli siinä. 'etkö sä tunnista mua?' se sanoi ädet levällään kuin elokuvissa. 'ai. hitsi!' + hirmuinen humaltunut halaus & pusu poskelle. & sitten mie purin sitä korvaan. se huusi. 'au! miksie tolleen?' 'mie lupasin hodalle satuttaa sua.' myöhemmin se sanoin muistavansa minun kielen sen suussa jossain vaiheessa mutta mie en muista sellaista. enh. se nyt oli vähän joka paikassa. john oli nätinpi kuin mie luulin. voih, oih!
minulla oli kassissa purkki kirsikka jugurttia. kun mie olin aikani poukkoillut taas mie tartuin tomia hihasta ja sanoin syöväni jugurttia. nurkkasohvassa oli vielä tilaa ja mie tajosin lusikallisia muillekin. umpivieraille. tomille. johnillekin kai. ihmisen pitää syödäkin. mie olin vain aamiaiseksi munakkaan viimeisistäni ja sitten myöhemmin jotain ihme keksejä ja vähän luaran omenamustikka bonaa. tom ei ollu tykänny siitä. eikä se uskonut että mustikoita edes on oikeasti olemassa. tai boysenmarjoja.
mie haluan ehkä olla jonkun horjuvan, epäterveellisen indiepojan tai tytön kulta. sellaisen kuin tom. se oli jotenkin niin herttis. <3
me istuttiin kerrien lattialla ja otettiin pohjia. & kuunneltiin bright eyesia. aika hyvin, eikö? silmät puoli ummessa millon mistäkin syystä. väsy, alkoholi vs. conor <3. ihanuus.
current music: bright eyes - false advertisement
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| Sunday, February 2nd, 2003
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10:59 pm
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i want to crawl out of my skin. my skin keeps me awake at night. it keeps me sleep deprived. it fucks me. who ever told me that my body wasnt my enemy, but my ally, lied. was wrong.
my skin is killing me.
current music: hot hot heat - i blew a fuse in my personality
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