Sunday, January 11th, 2004

Subject: And if you ever say your missed me... Time: 12:41 pm. Mood: complacent. Music: The Ataris - In This Diary.

Don't say you never lied. So i just got home from church. i love church. It is one of the few things that truly makes me feel good. Coach H said that i looked really nice so that made me feel good too. And then the kid sitting next to me from Berkner joined out church...and that made me feel really good too. Lol...if you haven't caught on yet...i am feeling pretty good. My weekend was nothing too glamorous...it was basically me trying to adjust to having a normal high school life with my oh-so-wonderful friends. Hehe. Things have been harder since i have given up everyone and everything at or having to do with SMU. But i think it is good for me. i just kept ending up in these relationships where (to no fault of the other person) i felt so....inadequate. The two serious relationships i engaged in left me to feel that i was letting this person throw their life away. Yes yes...i know...most of you are saying that this is because of my fabulous self issues. But seriously.... Seth and Andrew were in it for the long run (the very long one) and both of them wanted to change their lives around to fit me in it. Besides...no more over 19 dating for me. All and all...everything is going to be okay. My faith helps me keep going. And my friends are there for me. i struggle more and more with my mother...and her drug/alcoholism problems are really starting to bother me. She has been drinking for a couple years again now...but now there is liquor around the house and i feel like i can't let someone step in my door because my house smells like pot. More and more i take care of myself and her, instead of her taking care of me. But that's okay....everyone has to learn how to take care of themselves eventually. But once again...everything really will be okay...and so will i. " i'll convince you soon that i am fine," kimberly m.d. geddie

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Subject: She disappears and oh Lord..i'm not ready for this sort of thing. Time: 10:00 pm. Mood: thankful. Music: Linkin Park - Don't Stay.

i just wanted to drop a quick note. Condron seems very sad about the loss of her grandfather a few years ago. She says she still cries about it. Which makes me feel better. i still cry about loosing Mat, my aunt Amy, my great uncle Ray, and others that have passed in my life. i guess sometimes it is just good to know that someone else feels the same way as you. Furthermore, i have nothing horribly profound to say. i guess...i just want everyone to hang in there (including myself). Sometimes it is so hard to believe that we are all a part of His divine plan and that He has things worked out certain ways for certain reasons. i just have to keep telling myself that everything will be okay. Seanna: don't worry...he isn't worth all of your pain. Aly: i am so happy for you and Spenser. Katie: thanks for being there for me. Condron: yes...we do rock and i love you. Pj: i can't believe you are coming to Dallas. Meg: i miss you so much...come home soon. Abbie: i don't know how and if i would make it without you. Thanks for being my rock. Jonathan: still one of the best husbands i have ever had. James: thanks for being a great person, i hope we can become better friends. Katie: i am so glad we have become so close...thanks for putting up with me! Meems: i am sorry for everything...whatever that is. Spenser: like 10 years and still going strong buddy Hehe. Anthony: You will ALWAYS be my favorite Mexican...do you clean those with Windex? Lol. Chris: Unfortunately, i know you not well enough. But you are such a strong person in your faith and your convictions. Jose: And you are my sexy tejano. John: i know we have really had some rough times over the past couple of years...but i am so glad to have you as a friend. i will try to remember to be my proudest monkey. Annie: i am so glad you are back! Accept for that big party we threw...a whole lot of work for nothing. No no...just kidding....you are a fun person to be with. Even if you think Mr. Clark is hot. *shudders* Danelle: Or shall i say Karamelle? Continue to step on me on your way to the top ;). Rachel R.: You are such an awesome friend...thanks for listening to me. Rachel G.: i suppose i will love you even if you go to Tennessee. Hehe. Go Vols? No no...Hook me' Horns. Geoff: Find what it is you really want. Either way...either one of them should be so happy that they have such a great person that cares about them, Diegolo: Man are you hot. Zachary: Ack. What would i do without you? Bitter. Stav: i still want to join the Israeli army wif you....i think i need you to give me a cool nickname (but not quite as cool as Chuckanne. Lol.) Anita: You make my going to church that much better :). Even though you didn't show up last Saturday. Lol. Joannie: We will have that sleep over ;). Sara: Lol...you are still one of the only people that insists upon calling me Kimmy. But i still love you! REACH was good times wasn't it. Britt: You are such a sweetie...thanks for everything. Matt Caan: Lol..that looks like can. Just kidding buddy. You always seem to know how to put a smile on my face. Matt Clem.: You are such a great guy, Maybe someday you will find what you truly deserve...all the happiness in the world and the most beautiful girl. Nathan: Can i have a hug? Even if i hug wrong... lol. Wylee: Mr. Cool. Enough said Jenny R.: What a sweetheart you are. i appreciate your capricious spirit and the nice things you always have to say....especially that you are so considerate and caring. Jenny from Berkner lol: i wish i knew you better, but what i know is enough to know that you are a great friend. Haley: i wish we had some classes together. Thanks for always being so nice to me. You are a beautiful person both inside and out. Scott: Thanks for always letting me talk about sports with you...even though i sound horribly ignorant most of the time. Garrison: We are still getting married...even if you are gay. Hehe. Okay okay i am starting to get all teary-eyed. i know that was a lot. i don't know where that came from...i guess i just wanted to let almost everyone know how important they are to me and how much i appreciate all of you. BTW that list was in no particular order and i am horribly sorry for anyone i forgot who might read this. If you don't find you...let me know and i will put one up for you. Thank you to everyone for putting up with me and my very not-so-sane self. My life would not be the same without ya'll and i love you all beaucoup. Rain Falls Down, Someone forever in debt to all who keep her going. "Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light." Albert Schweitzer

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Subject: YAY! Time: 5:24 pm. Mood: ecstatic. Music: Linkin Park - Breaking the Habit.

Short entry...but i am soooo excited! i just got an e-mail from the youth director at my church and he told me that i am going to get a scholarship so i can go to Discipleship Now!!! Hehe.... it will be the reunion of Abbibbie, Anitie, Joannie, and Kimby. You know you want to go too: http://www.fbcr.org/ministries/youth/events/dn.htm. With love, kimberly

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Subject: Sometimes you have to jump in and not be afraid to drown. Time: 9:46 pm. Mood: melancholy. Music: Dashboard Confessional - Bend and Not Break.

That's what i told Condron, and i really do mean it. BTW, i am uber happy for her and her new beau....he better not screw it up. i don't know him...but i will beat him up. Hehe. Either way, i am struggling as usual. i feel so lost, so empty, so full of absolutely nothing. My physical appearance dictates my quality of life. Stupid superficial America. My hormone imbalance is not getting any better and i think that contributes to my overwhelming and perpetual sense of depression and loathing. i just wish i knew how to change myself. i wish i knew how to make things better. i am tired of the lack of love between myself and the people i used to be friends with: Meems, Joseph, Seth, David, and others to name a few. i just want to resolve things. Someone asked me today if i was in love. i am in love and i always will be. i am in love with Christ, the only One who will truly love me regardless of my flaws. Victor Hugo said that "the supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved -- loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves." God's love for me is unending and that is all i need? Right? Sometimes i wish this was all some sort of bad dreams that someone would wake me up from. i want the world to be a happier place, and me to be a happier person in it. Don't worry, i still hold that suicide is selfish and is also a great sin. i don't have the guts to try to pull it off again anyway. i just wish i knew how to fix things, how to fix myself, how to fix my life, my family, my mother, my faith, my friendships, my health, my everything. It all just seems so broken. i never wanted to be your everything but to be anything would have been so much, kmdg "i'm tired of being what you want me to be: feeling so faithless, lost under the surface. Don't know what you're expecting of me... Every step that i take is another mistake to you.... Cause everything that you thought I would be has fallen apart right in front of you.... i've become so numb." Linkin Park

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Subject: You look at me and you don't like what you see. Time: 12:16 am. Mood: pensive. Music: Finch - What it is to Burn.

But that's the price of belonging to you. Hmm...so i watched White Oleander a few hours ago. i still hold true to it being my favorite book. i guess i can relate, and i get so much out of it. Sorry it's been so long since i've updated. i guess i just forget, either that or i don't feel as if i have anything horribly interesting going on. As one could tell by my previous extremely erratic entry, my mother and i have been having many struggles. We keep fighting even though i am not even home. i was under house arrest from the 22nd until late on Christmas day when she told me i could go to Danelle's. She was asleep and i don't think she knew she let me go. i didn't even get to go to church on Christmas Eve. :(. Oh well... she called today and asked where i was. She has seen me once since Christmas day and i guess she just didn't care enough to figure out where i was. She knew i was going to East Texas to be with family. My cousin Rachel is in town and i have been more or less enjoying spending time with her. Here in the boon docks we play a whole bunch of cards including my personal favorite: canasta. My cousin/aunt P.A. picked us up earlier this afternoon and we drove to Canton and went out to lunch before driving all kinds of other places so we could set out her magazine at different places. The "Van Zandt County Line" is on a newstand prolly nowhere near you. Haha. But yeah...then we went to the VFW to play pool. Good times. Lol... Oh well...i am just going to try to keep going. It's a big struggle...but i am trying. "Hold on if you feel like letting go." Even Amy has recognized that i am having some serious problems. i have never even met her. But yeah...more packing to do before i leave here tomorrow. i really am sorry for being myself. i wish i could figure out how to stop hurting myself and people around me. i don't even know how to get my own mother to like me. Sporadically Yours, kimberly

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Subject: Name all 47 Pop/Rock Stars! i bet you can't do it! Time: 4:03 pm. Mood: complacent. Music: KJ-52 - Ya Bref Stank.

Sometimes I flow weird throw verbal Spears like Britney/ That literally goes from here to Houston jus like Whitney/ Battle me, ya kiddin me, ya funny cat/ I bet 50 Cents for Eminems ya wont get a Nickel Back/ The track I'm rippin it really aint that hard/ See Jesus gives Destiny to every Child of God/ Im battle scared kind of raw, what do you think/ No matter race, religion, or the color or the Creed/ If ya black, brown, or Pink, or in or out of Sync/ Or hang wit Beasties Boys, jus on the Backstreet/ You can live in Linkin Park, no matter just to me/ See the Prince of Peace is guaranteed to give ya what ya need One day these peeps were goin past me/ Walkin wit a Limp eatin Bizkits they hair was Shaggy/ What's your name is the question that I'm askin/ I'm Micheal, she's Celine, She's Dion, He's Jackson/ That Ricky, that's Martin, that's Tony, that's Braxton/ Dru is on a Hill chillin and relaxin/ Alicia lost her Keys and she's really kind of sad and/ I said you too?/ I said No Doubt I know how that be happenin/ But I need all the Dixie Chicks jus to gather in And let me explain jus the reason now why I'm rappin and/ So I told Mariah, He Carried my sin and He died for me/ My Faith is in Christ who on a Hill called Calvary/ Gave His life on for mine so Genuine I tried to be/ If the world tries to stop me, I'll Rage Against the Machine/ So turn ya raido up, head to the spot/ Get loose like Slipknot, watch the Kid Rock My Uncle was eatin Korn on a Kracker all alone/ It was 98 Degrees out and he was Counting Crows/ And it was jus then when my Papa he jus saw a Roach/ He dropped his Red Hot Chilli Peppers and then he ran home/ And just went and called up John the Mayor on the phone/ It's a 311 3 Doors Down, now dont be slow/ But he was like wait a second hold up a minute bro/ Before I Usher over there is something you should know/ Jesus is the firm rock, not a Rollin Stone/ With Him Heaven not Nirvana is where you'll go/ I'll tried to show and let you know but your Third Eye is Blind/ So you need to open them up real wide/ And even if you have to Blink 182 times/ Its so Obvious, that it cant hide/ TLC tender love and care He'll provide/ From girls to Boys to Men need to let Him inside It's pronounced Five Two, kimberly

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Subject: i feel so selfish. Time: 5:09 pm. Mood: indescribable. Music: Nichole Nordeman - Woven and Spun.

So tomorrow after i go to Northpark with Aly, hopefully i will be able to be home by 12:30. This afternoon i was talking about how bad my ay was after school, because thinking about it at the time, it was not too great. i did bad on various assesments and i was told i don't get to see Alex because of Mrs. Loney but i won't go into that. Nevertheless, i climbed into the car with Katie's mom and she starts talking about this kid who i go to school with. i was quite confused because it sounded like a death and i realized i hadn't seen him at school so i thought she was talking about him. Although i don't know him very well, i have spent a little time with him and think he's a nice guy. Well come to find out, his mother passed away. Here i am thinking about getting a stupid B on a stupid law quiz and how bad that it, and then this hits me like a ton of bricks. i told Katie that i wanted to go to the funeral with her tomorrow if time permits. Funerals are so hard for me. All i think about is Mat, Mer, my aunt Amy, my uncle Ray. So i will have a surge of emotion tomorrow, but it will be worth it. Hopefully, it will mean something to the kid that someone who barely knowes him cares. i truly do care because i have been there. Granted my mother has never died, but my 2nd mother, best friend/ultimate confidant/one of the greatest people i have ever known, and a childhood dance partner have all passed away. i just want to be there for him....but please keep him in your prayers. God Bless, kimberly P.S. On a much more positive note: Happy sweet 16 to Diegolo, and a big birthday wish to my sister on her 20th.

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Subject: i'm sorry i can't be perfect. Time: 6:10 pm. Mood: numb. Music: Addison Road - Seek.

Well, exams are just around the corner and i think i am going to have a nervous breakdown. But that's okay. Today Zachary said something really nice. He told me that when i'm depressed so is he. And i think he was kidding, but it was really, really nice. Everything is just ripping me apart. My grades are not doing to well, my love life is non-existant (partially my fault because i won't date people over 18), and i just feel like crap all the time. Katie gives me rides home after school, and she had soccer practice today. So i went out there and sat and watched and just wanted to cry. i miss soccer, and tennis, and dance, and just everything. i miss playing sports. i want to so bad, but Jenny came over and asked me why i didn't try out (JV Coach) and i told her it's because i didn't think i would have made it. And i prolly wouldn't have...but i just want to be good at something. Maybe that is what bothers me more than anything. i don't feel like i have any talent. i don't play any instruments anymore, i don't make great grades, i don't play sports, half of my "friends" don't even really like me, and my own "mother" hates me. Oh well. i put my smile on, and go about things the way they are, and just keep going and pretend like every moment, every comment, every laugh, every insult isn't killing me inside. i close my eyes, and whisper, seek and you will find.

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Subject: This is how you remind me of what i really am... Time: 11:34 am. Mood: tired. Music: Dashboard Confessional - Remember to Breathe.

Well, i blocked out a good part of the last week b/c it just wasn't too great. Yesterday was really awesome tho... Condon and i skipped half the day and rode DART down to the AA Center and got a bunch of Mavs sigs! i got autographs and pictures from Dirk, Steve, Jon Steffanson, Abdul-Wahed, and Najera! We had so much fun, well cept for the fact that i had us get off at the wrong spot, we had to stand outside in the freezing cold for like two and a half hours, and the train kept breaking down on the way home. But it was awesome. Lol... had this picture frame and i was having the guys sign the lil piece of paper that came inside of it...i handed it to Dirk to sign and he goes "What the hell is this?!" Nash smilied at me like 3 times!!!! i told Jon how how hot he was...but he's from Iceland and i don't think he understood. He just like nodded his head and said uh-huh. LOL! Abdul-Wahed is from France and Condron was like...dude are you from France? And he goes...YEAH ARE YOU?!?!? Haha. Man i love Condron. But as soon as we got to the DART station, Aly picked us up and we dropped Condron off, picked Melissa up, and went to Stonebriar. On the way over there, we saw a huge really scary accident at Plano and Ohio. But yeah, so we went to the mall and Aly bought Spenser his Christmas/B-Day present. This guy that is in love with Melissa came up to the mall with his friend Mike. They were pretty decent.Then Aly and i basically spent the night at Melissa's house with no clothes with us haha. But i won't go into details about the rest of the night...but it was hilarious. Buddy Elf = Aly. Haha! Night Best Friends, Kimmy "We all want something beautiful. Man i wish i was beautiful."

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Subject: What if i stumble? What if i fall? Time: 10:51 pm. Mood: pensive. Music: Christina Aguilera - The Voice Within.

What if i miss a step and i make fools of us all? Will this all continue when my walk becomes a crawl? So last night, i realized that my step-grandfather and my father's mother may actually see me as a person. Not necessarily a good person, but a person. This man has never shown an ounce of interest in me. From what i can tell, he has always viewed me as a nonentity, and basically a leech who has indirectly cost him a whole lot of money. Either way, last night at dinner we engaged in a very long discussion. He asked me all kinds of questions pertaining to things from my current academic standings, what i want to do with me life, colleges, politics, and just all kinds of things. It felt really, honestly, purely good. One of the most surprising aspects of our conversation was that he praised me because he felt i spoke with "such stature." This man, my Opa, is a genius. He was senior vice president in charge of research and development at TI for a number of years. He has like 3 degrees and a PhD in some field of engineering. My Omi actually told me that she told Reina (older sister whom i have been compared to for my entire life) that if Reina didn't start figuring out what to do with her life (she's 20 and is not in college) that i may pass her by. This is not to say that they (Omi and Opa) don't both feel that Reina will ultimatly get farther in life because of her looks, because they do feel that way. But i think now that they are realizing that my appearance and the fact that i do not wear a size two is due to serious medical issues that i cannot help, they are finally beginning to accept me. However, now things seem as if they may be even harder. Now i don't know how to deal with them, and i think they have invested some sort of hope in me. This is kind of frightening. They are just a few more people to let down. But i am daily praying that God will just help me get through it all. More or less, Thanksgiving ended early. As in, i didn't have to do more than two and i am hopefully finished as of right now. i am unable to join my other family in east Texas due to lack of transportation. And because i am sick, and i want to spend some down time, i don't think i am going to do anything with Andrews family. Tonight was pretty decent tho. Amanda, Marc's sister, my uncles wife, keeps offering me their spare bedroom. i did not here from my mother all day, and it didn't surprise me. She simply is not speaking to me, and i think things could come to a crashing hault very soon. However, i am extremly exhausted. i will prolly be up for a few more hours. But it will be nice to just chill, and relax. BTW, my sister got her nose pierced last night. Heh. It figures. She goes home tomorrow, but it has been good to see her. For if dreams die... life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly, just me. P.S. i got the gist from Amanda that after i am stuck seeing Marc for Christmas, he is being shipped off to Iraq. i am truly not sure how to feel.

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Subject: It's been a while... Time: 2:43 pm. Mood: blank. Music: Addison Road - Breaking Beautifully.

Sorry about that by the way. i actually had to go back and read my last couple of entries so that i could figure out what i was missing in here. lol. In regards to my casting call, the casting director called me last Friday i think it was and told me that there were only two girls in front of me. Basically he said that although i exhibited better talent, i looked too old. He did tell me that if anything happened to them that i would get the part....*evil snicker.* So i am out here in Frisco at my Omi's house (grandmother, it's German kids) and my sister is in the room next to me. i am really happy to see her for the first time in the better part of a year. They came and picked me up and we went out to eat at Red Lobster. i didn't eat very much because i am just not very hungry at all anymore. i can't stop shaking for some reason...i think it is my anxiety getting the best of whats left of me. On Monday night i went to the volleyball banquet and it was pretty decent. i got a cute lil award and Lani spelled my name wrong (the coach) and Jared (her husband) tried to fix it but it looked really funny and she just said she would give me another one. Hehe. But yeah, afterwards i went over to Leslies house with Melia and we were talking and i was getting extremly frustrated. Leslie was going on and on about how fat she was...and i can definitly see how someone who wears the same size as her 11 year old sister and fits into a pair of size 2 jeans thinks that she is fat. She is as big as a house. i unno...i mean i know it's not my fault for the way i look because of all my medical problems...but still. Sometimes i wish people would be more sensitive to how others felt. Skipping backwards a lil bit, on Sunday i finally got to meet Jenny after e-mailing with her for a few weeks. She is the lead singer of the band at my church and she is just a totally awesome person. She is so sweet. They were selling their CD after the service and she gave me a free copy. It's soooo very good. Go look at it at www.addisonroad.com . You should all get this CD. Last night we had the LINK multicultural dinner up at school. It was okay... i spent a good portion of the evening talking to Kelley about my crazy life. i truly envy her. She comes from a very loving family and she is just an awesome person. Funny thing about her is, she has never had to do like anything for herself, literally. This girl has NEVER done her own laundry. She is purposly applying to snobby private colleges that have maid services in the dorm. i think its hilarious. Either way i still love her and i look forward to getting to know her even more. Then i talked to Michael P. for quite a while. He is such an intellectual person, and talking to him i felt very...superficial, insignificant, and inept. i find myself feeling that way often though, and i do not think it was his fault i felt this way. Oh well. Anyway...we are about to leave to go do a bunch of stuff for my cousin Justin. Then i get to come back here and cook. i'm excited. All that i taste are tears, kimberly

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Subject: You can thank my Geoffery. Time: 6:35 pm. Mood: sick. Music: Whitney Houston - I Will Always Love You.

:x: name = Kimberly Maia Danielle :x: piercings = none :x: tattoos = none :x: height= vertically challenged (5'2") :x: shoe size = like a 9ish :x: hair color = slightly red, bout 90% brown :x: siblings = une fille LAST... :x: movie you rented = The Pianist :x: movie you bought = Remember the Titans :x: song you listened to = Umm...Man I Used To Be - Stone Temple Pilots :x: song that was stuck in your head = Sureshot by Yellowcard :x: cd you bought = Chicago Soundtrack, Best of Grammys 1996, Beyonce, Best of Whitney Houston, So Long Asotria, Mariah Carey #1's (Great sale going on for Columbia) :x: cd you listened to = An MP3 cd with like 200 songs :x: person you've called = Danelle :x: person that's called you = Katie R. :x: tv show you've watched = Friends :x: person you were thinking of = Mat... DO... :x: you have a crush on someone = i suppose :x: you wish you could live somewhere else = sometimes :x: you think about suicide = selfish..... :x: you believe in online dating = not really :x: others find you attractive = not so much, not other than Seth :x: you want more piercings = i cried when i got a tetnus shot (smallest needle) :x: you like cleaning = no, i have done all of it in my house since i was like 10 :x: you like roller coasters = i got paid to ride Runaway Mountain (an indoor, small one) and i like cried for an hour :x: you write in cursive or print = usually cursive FOR OR AGAINST... :x: long distance relationships = depends :x: using someone = been the used one too many times :x: suicide = still selfish :x: killing people = not really :x: teenage smoking = no. definitly not. if i wanted to make out with an ashtray, i would eat out of one :x: driving drunk = definitly not. :x: gay/lesbian relationships = no comment. :x: soap operas = Yay! i know...it's terrible. but i have been watching them since i was like 6 HAVE YOU... :x: ever cried over a girl = ummm like a friend...yeah :x: ever cried over a boy = mostly Mat :x: ever lied to someone = yes :x: ever been in a fist fight = once or twice :x: ever been arrested = no WHAT... :x: shampoo do you use = ummm usually Catwalk or Big Sexxy Hair :x: shoes do you wear = flip flops, vans, adidas, docs, steve maddens, candies :x: are you scared of = being alone, being a bad person NUMBER... :x: of times I have been in love?= honestly? once... :x: of times I have had my heart broken? = a few :x: of hearts I have broken? = hopefully not more than the one i can think of, but i did it for him :x: of girls I have kissed? = ummmm. :x: of boys I have kissed? = none of your business :x: of girls I've slept with? = sleeping...as in sleeping? some close friends? :x: of boys I've slept with? = still talking SLEEPING. not sex. 2 :x: of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends? = definitly 2 :x: of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? = a couple :x: of scars on my body? = a few minor, one where my wrist surgeries have been, a small one by my nose, a scar on my pinky, and maybe a couple from ivs :x: of things in my past that I regret? = quite a few, two biggest: never telling Mat i loved him, having to let Seth go DO YOU THINK YOU ARE... :x: pretty - maybe inside sometimes :x: funny - yeah, but looks aren't everything ;) :x: hot - definitly not. :x: friendly - usually :x: amusing - sometimes :x: ugly - i am so trying to surmount my self-esteem issues :x: loveable - it depends :x: caring - i always try to be :x: sweet - hehe, most of the time :x: dorky - lol, i have nothing to do with a whale's penis favorite: 5 letter word: Speck actor/actress: way too many Candy: ummm Heath i guess Cartoon: recess or rugrats hehe Cereal: low carbs for kimberly. Chewing gum: Wintergreen orbit Color(s): black, pink Color nail polish: french tip Day of week: Sunday Least fave day: Monday Flower: Roses, any kind except white Jello flavor: lime Jewelry: my rose cross Special skills/talents: screwing things up? Summer/Winter: winter... Trampolines or swimming pools: i like the trampolines that float on top of pools/lakes || Person who last.. || Slept in your bed: Me Saw you cry: i kind of cried at SADD today Made you cry: Annie You went to the movies with: andrew Yelled at you: my "mother" Sent you an email: i unno... i don't care to check...i don't really do too much email || Have you ever.. || Said "I love you" and meant it?: too little, too late Gone out in public in your pajamas: yeah buddy Kept a secret from everyone: once or twice Cried during a movie: many times Ever at anytime owned new kids on the block stuff: still have a t-shirt Planned your week based on the TV Guide: thats sad. Been on stage: more than i can count Been to New York: no Been to California: many times Hawaii: i wish China: uh uh Canada: yup Europe: *drool* Asia: when my mother was pregnant with me South America: does mexico count ;) Australia: i have always been...up under? Wished you were the opposite sex: thats ubiquitously appauling What time is it now?: 6:58pm Apples or bananas?: bananas are not on my plan, but i am not a big apple eater either Blue or red?: depends what for Walmart or target?: Super Target, wally world = evil empire Spring or Fall?: Fall!!! What are you gonna do after you finish this?: sleep What was the last meal you ate?: chicken ceaser salad High school or college?: ? Are you bored?: not really, just sick Last noise you heard?: music Last smell you sniffed?: Secret 88 (my scent) Last time you went out of state/province?: like 2 weeks ago || Friendship/Love || Do you believe in love at first sight?: not really Do you want children one day & if so, how many?: i dont want to screw up someone elses life Most important thing to you in a friendship is: trust, compassion, HONESTY || Other Info || Criminal record?: none. Do you speak any other languages?: not fluently Last book you read: White Oleander Name some of your favorite things in your bedroom?: stereo, Bible, bed Thing you dislike about yourself the most: Worst feeling in the world: regret, when people are mad at me, being alone, missing something or someone Who you love: God, my friends, some of my family Who you miss: Mat, Meg, PJ, my sister, Seth || You || Nickname(s): kimberliqua, kimmy, shaquan-quan Initials: KMDG How old do you look?: hehe after last weekend, apparently older than 15 How old do you act?: depends Glasses/Contacts: i am supposed to Braces: nu uh Do you have any pets: quite a few You get embarrassed: yeah What makes you happy?: being in Church, usually my friends What upsets you?: ignorance || Have you ever.. || Thought you were going to die: many times Wanted to Run away: a couple times Flunked a grade: no Skipped a grade: no Hope you enjoyed that.

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Subject: Break a Leg? Time: 4:30 pm. Mood: complacent. Music: Christina Aguilera - The Voice Within.

Well, I just got home from a long day. A long, reasonably decent day that is. So last night I get a call from my stepmother and she says my dad found an ad in the Dallas Morning News advertising a casting call. It was for a James L Brooks/Sony Pictures film starring Adam Sandler and Tea Leoni called Spanglish. Well they were looking for a girl who was "chubby, funny, a strong actress" to play their 13 year old daughter. So i pulled together a resume and made a nice 8X 10 headshot and decided i had nothing better to do. The casting director is the guy who used to cast the Mickey Mouse Club and discovered people like Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, JC Chaves, and Christina Aguilera. I went up against 200ish girls and was one of 10 or 15 to get 4 call-backs. In the first round he asked me if I was actually 15 because he thought I looked older. I am going to assume that is why I didn't make it any farther hehe. But yeah, it was a good experience. Although the casting doesn't officially end here until tomorrow, I am about 99.99999999% sure I have no chance of being called although he did ask where i lived, how far away it was, and how long it took me to get there. Either way, i was told after the 2nd call back that i would be put in a file in his office in LA for any future productions. Hehe....good times tho. I went not expecting to get anywhere, and had a good time. You win some you loose some eh? "Are you funny?" Yeah, but looks aren't everything ;).

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Subject: Seeing is believing... Time: 9:17 pm. Mood: contemplative. Music: Beethovens 5th Symphony.

Today, I found otu many more details about the incident I described yesterday. Now i am privaleged to know more about what actually happened, and who it is. I spent a long time talking to Mrs. Arnold, a bio teacher at West whom I view as a very strong Christian person. While we were talking, I had a scary revelation. Maybe what scares me about this, is that this could have been me in a different situation. A few years ago when I was really close with my orchestra teacher, Mr. Clark, one of the other directors acsked me if Mr. Clark and I were sexually involved. This was extremely appauling at the time, and still is now. But maybe this shows that I was flirtatious or something, I am not really sure. But one of the biggest subjects Mrs. Arnold and I conferenced about was resentment. She insists that it is okay the I resent Bailey, or the girl, because they were people I looked up to and saw as Christian role models. The girl that was involved, while being the victim, is at least partly responsible. I don't really resent her, as much as I....am upset with her. Las tyear in chior she was someone who was always trying to be nice to me and make me feel good. I looked at her as being a good Christian role model, almost as much as I see Abbie as one. It's all so scary.... But if God brings us to it, he will bring us through it. Maybe someday Bailey will find his way back, I hope he does. My continuous prayers are with him, the girl, his family, her family, as Bailey's girlfriend who is a student at OU. So little time, Kimberly

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Subject: Wow. Time: 2:00 pm. Mood: contemplative. Music: Black Eyed Peas - Where is the Love.

Among all of the things that have bene happening the past few days, this morning i recieved a huge test of my faith. Washington Irving said "little minds are tamed and subdued by misfortune, but great minds rise above it.." After this morning, i think i truly can forgive that person who wishes not to be named. This morning, after a horribly funny truth/leadership thing we did, our entire jr high and high school youth group piled in to the loft, and i was reasonably worried because Mr. Caniel would not tell me what was going on. I \ware this was like a bad press conference scene from a movie. Our youth leader, Randy, stood at a podium and started saying things like "i know this may come as a shock," and muttering phrases like "we will take ne questions or comments" so I became even more apprehensive. Randy told us that one of the guys in our youth group, a sort of leader, Steven, had been arrested on October 31st. The charges against him were sexual misconduct with a minor. One of the girls in our youth group (he said 16 so prolly a sophomore, someone i am probably acquaintences with) came forward on September 24th and said that sexual things had happened between her and Steven Bailey. I was so amazingly appauled. Randy then said that he was told (Steven) that he couldn't participate in our youth group activities anymore (he is in his early twenties) and all this other stuff about how we should refuse to do anything with adults blah blah blah. So I left the loft in solice and walked to the sanctuary where we sat down in the front like we always do. Then i just got up and walked away and started crying. i cried so much. This guy, Bailey, i looked up to him, he spoke such powerful words, i was always attentive when he spoke of Gods word because he sounded so amazing. i had been emailing with him until the 2nd week of october when his emails stopped coming. We had been discussing him coming and talking to FOCUS (my Christian group that I lead at my former jr. high) a week from thursday. I just couldn't believe this has happened. The entire day, before and after this, had been based on trust and leadership. I am angry about this all, and quite saddened. But i guess like Abbie said, it just goes to show that not all Christians are perfect and satan is always there providing temptations. So i will continue to pray for Bailey, maybe he is still a good guy that has just merely lost his way. Even if what happened was consensual (which it prolly was) it wasn't right. But he still needs his prayers, and maybe, someday, things will be okay for him again. If this makes no sense to you, thats okay. It makes sense to me, and i think everything is going to be okay. i really thik i can let all this other stuff go too. Give me clean hands, give me pure heart, let me not lift my soul to another, Kimberly

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Subject: Wake me up inside...call my name and save me from the dark. Time: 10:25 pm. Mood: indescribable. Music: Taking Back Sunday - Bike Scene.

i know nothing about anything anymore.

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Subject: i really do wish i knew how to love myself. Time: 11:34 pm. Mood: crushed. Music: Simple Plan - I'd Do Anything.

But i don't. And i don't think i can. i do not want him anymore. And i know i don't. What bothers me, is that Mallary is the perfect girl. And i was never even close to good enough. Not being good enough for him, i guess doesn't really bother me. But i never seem to be good enough for anything. i just want to be good enough for me, or for my family, or for someone. Somehow, God says i am good enough for Him, but no one else (including me) sees it that way...why do i feel this way? i am so broken.... He wants my forgiveness. And i know that as a Christian, a child of God, i am supposed to forgive those who transgress against me, but i just don't think i can. When i think about it, this person, this situation, all these years since that stiupid afternoon years ago, all i can thing about is how it changed my life. And how i wish i could go back and change everyting. He does not want me to feel better, he doesn't want me to forgive him for my sake, but for his own. This boy has it in his mund that if i forgive him, things will be better for him. At this point, i don't think i care how goo things are for him. i am so tired of putting on this brave face and pretending everything is okay. Well, it's not. i am not okay. There is a reason Palagonia (my law teacher) suggested that i need to seek professional help. There is a reason that people "playfully" point out the things i do that are so faulty and things that are so inane, i am so empty. i just want that to go away. Lord, please grant me the serenity.....Because it's just to late and we can't go back i'm sorry i can't be perfect, kimbelry

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Subject: On a more positive note. Time: 2:04 am. Mood: indifferent. Music: Julian Theory - This is not a love song.

My previous entry is overly cynical. So i figured that i would contribute some positive aspects of the last week. This morning, i woke up very early so that i could go to the Tyler Stree Baptist Church down in Oak Cliff. i was there until I think 2ish, and the work was quite taxing, but i must admit, the reward is always worth it. And it's not a tangible result, it's an emotional one. It warms my heart to help others. Of course, i didn't move mountains or anything, but I did get snowed on. Heh. We were scraping paint and I ended up covered in white paint chips. Last night was senior night. I am going to miss my seniors so much! I cried twice last night. Not only during the band halftime senior thing, but then dring senior walk...it was terrible. And stpid Anthony is going to OU. Ugh. Lol. Greg got accepted at OU, but thankfully he only applied there as a back-up. Hehe. Ut beat Nebraska. It was a fabulous game, although I only got to see clips because I was not here, but ESPN.com hooked me up hehe. The Mavericks blew out Utah like 127-102 I believe. Tomorrow is the USA v. Mexico womens soccer game. Abbie is going....I am uber jealous hehe. Most importantly, the Jets will dominate the Giants tomorrow. It is going to be a fabulous game. Hopefully at least lol. OOO on Friday, I actually talked to Taking Back Sunday...the band at like 4:21. I was so excited!!!!! Nokie like gave them a free cell phone, and they posted the phone number on their website on the 30th. I was so excited. I was like about to cry. When I was talking to Adam, he said Eddie was sitting right next to him, and he asked me if there was anything I wanted to tell Eddie. I said that I thought Eddie was incredibly gorgeous, and Adam goes "Hey Eddie, man you are so hot." Lol! Is it the Chad???? me

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Subject: Don't know how long I can keep this inside... Time: 12:18 am. Mood: depressed. Music: Ike & Tina - Proud Mary.

So this week in review. Or more liekly prolly just the last couple of days since I can't remember much of anything earlier this week other than being imbued with homework and projects. I would like to start by voicing a belated Happy Halloween and a very happy birfday to Katie Rutenbar....I love you! But this weekend I have learned quite a few things: 1. People are horrible. They say and do terribly mean things. 2. i wish someone, anyone could tell me why Joseph hates me. 3. The youth of America is extremly...superficial. 4. i have a growing number of friends who are claiming/stating that they are gay/bisexual 5. It depresses me that there is a growing number of people who will do anything for attention (ie: streaking down the street with a bunch of guys watching) 6. i wish people were not so incosiderate. 7. The birfday girl should ALWAYS be the center of her own party. Yes, i realize that i have just done quite a bit of complaining. But of course, no one is prolly reading this right now. Which is fine. i have nothing important or significant to say. i still wish i could tie you up in my shoes, make you feel unpretty too. kimberly P.S. tonight, was fabulous. That is asie from the fact that as always, i looked horrible in my homecoming pictures (apparently even my date thought so). And even though I am pretty sure she doesn't like me, because you know, she doesn't acknowledge I am ever around, but I really loved when I was standing around with some people talking and Cathering (maybe with a K i unno) started talking about how she was fat, no obese. thanks. gosh i love people. they make me feel so good.

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