indecision leads to heartache

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3rd April 2003

2:09pm: leatherface: lover or fighter?
what it is? you know that 50cent song... i know you do. yeah, well... it has been stuck in my head for about 2 weeks now. i cant wait for the rap fighting game to come out, it looks like hours of entertainment.

it is so nice out. all i want is a dog to hang out with, that is all i ask. wont be able to get one for a looong time, though. sad day.

macrock this weekend! hooray for hardcore and hooray for not-so-hardcore. let's give it up for music. speaking of music... we are playing VA TECH Soundfest next Sat the 12th. it is going to be so fucking rad. brand new disaster, us, mae, plain white t's and liberation jumpsuit and more! word.

'go shorty, its your birfday. we gonna party like its your birfday. drink bacardi like its your birfday and we dont give a fuck cuz its your birfday.'
...yup, that is what has been running in my mind.

21st March 2003

9:12am: a beautiful day in staunton!
for those 2 or 3 of you that may still read this, sorry for the slacking. i have been working a lot lately and in the little spare time i hava had i have been practicing.

let's see, after spending a week without roomates i suppose i feel 'refreshed'? or maybe not... kit was kind enough to come stay most of the week with me and help me drink all my beer:) he also used his super obsessive compulsive habits to clean our filthy house. that was great... oh kit, the guys are back, house is filthy again.

so the fellas are back and the band is back in full swing. we have lots of good shows coming up and look forward to meeting some new people.

unfortunately, i will not be performing with the band this weekend, i have had a family emergency... but please check out the fellas doing an acoustic set.

mei-mei and i have been hanging out, it has been really nice. she likes giraffes. i don't have a problem with giraffes myelf but i am more partial to mir-cats. look it up, fool. we made a nice dinner a few nights back: chicken and peppers and onions and pasta. it was bangin like butter on a biscuit... we had biscuits, too.

other happenings in my life:
old friends giving up on me and themselves... not cool. mind games, perhaps? who knows anymore. i usually read people pretty well, but there are times when i can never figure out what the hell is going through certain people's mind.

anyway, that seems like a good enough update for now. peace out, kids.

'someone should be caught and held responsible
for this bloody mess'
-brand new

27th February 2003

12:34pm: my hands are swollen.
i dont know what the hell is going on, i got some kind of rash. it itches like all hell and is scaring all the common folk.

it is another big show weekend for the band, we are really looking forward to both shows.

i just found out that i cant get any time off at spring break and i have to work... hooray. i will be here all by myself from march 9--16... what the heck am i goin to do when i am not working? guess i ll drink.

i just talked to my dad! that was the first time since xmas... wow. sure was good to talk to him. i miss home.

that is all.

'i wish i were like you, easily amused'

19th February 2003

1:06pm: blah
uhh, i used to like snow. not any more.

i really feel like shit. but my friends are awesome and they make me feel better.

robin cut his hair way short. he is such a strapping young fellow.

andy(tattoo artist) drew up a flyer for our show friday, it is bad ass. so be there, or be square.
we should have our newest song finished in about 2 weeks. i am really looking forward to this one.

oh, just as a disclaimer: i do not mention the names of people who frustrate me when writing in the journal. i do that on purpose so that i dont upset anyone. do not start shooting off in my guestbook because you ASSUME that i was talking shit about your friend. the funny thing is, it was not about who you thought. there is enough shit to worry about these days than to give me shit about what i wrote on my journal. peace out.

16th February 2003

8:25pm: it has been snowing for 2 whole days.
i dont think i have ever seen this much snow. i used to like snow, i am beginning to hate it, though. there is supposed to be another 3-6 inches in addition to the FOOT that we already have.

what else have i been up to? band practice and work. same old stuff.

women still drive me crazy. today, it was brought to my attention that i am a very jealous person. wow, i never ever thought i would be called jealous. what can you do, though? not a damn thing!
I actually feel really bad about the whole thing, i never meant to be that way.

blah blah blah.

i am so damn bored.

'I don't want to talk right now
Thank you for your concern'
-armor for sleep

12th February 2003

7:11pm: the road to richmond
i made my way to richmond today and will be here til thurs night. hanging out at kit's right now but he is at class. i am really bored to tell you the truth...

nic took me to eat on campus which was really good, thanks nic! it was nice to see her, it has been just too damn long. i saw her dorm room for the first time, it is pretty snappy. a little small but what can you do.

a trucker flicked me off on the drive down here, it was great.

i am really excited to see hot rod circuit. the reunion show and skyline awake, tomorrow. should be a great show.

man, i am really slacking with these updates, i thought i would be putting my life story up here... guess i was wrong.

peace out kids.

'i have respect, i have dedication, for my family and my friends'

10th February 2003

1:07pm: this past weekend was very interesting to say the least. we had a good party saturday night, everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. the romanians made many american friends and some guy threw up up on our sidewalk.


band practice

sunday was shitty. sometimes people i think i am close to make super horrible decision.

'i quit, i quit, i fucking quit'
-american nightmare

7th February 2003

6:22pm: pabst blue ribbon
is a fine choice... i love you pbr.

you have got to try the pepper jack fajita at taco bell, it's the bomb.

some frat guys were making fun of robin, chris and myself as we were walking in to taco bell. what is up with that? all we were doing was minding our own business and not paying to have friends...

i am stoked that nic and i worked out some issues, she was wicked mad at me
i really hate being on people's bad side. now if only i could work things out with a certain someone...

party here tomorrow.

closing in on the red admiral cd release show. should be more fun than a barrell of monkeys.

'You are your own, weighted and balancing, judgement of truth when the ego is let go.'
-hot water music

6th February 2003

1:19pm: waffle house is the undisputed champion!
that's right, waffle house is number one. myself, brandon, rob and nate all made our way over to the sacred restaurant around 2am for some late night cuisine. as always we were not dissapointed. our waitress was cool as shit, she had a piercing in between her eybrows, it was pretty rad.

after consumption we made it back to the apartment and bummed around some more. the rolling stones were playing on hbo so we decided that would be great entertainment, we could not have been more right. it is amazing to watch these old dudes just going apeshit on stage. you would think that they just couldnt do it anymore but they just keep going.

i have to work today at 3, story of my life. ler is coming up saturday for band practice so we are all really stoked on that.

ummm, hot rod circuit/reunion show in about a week! we just found out our friends in skyline awake are opening that show, pretty damn cool.

ok, peace out.

'Do you still consider me the boy you laughed with,
or that you learned to live without?
I suck. I know I'm late. I know you waited.'
-brand new

5th February 2003

1:31pm: lazy days
well i just woke up... isnt that special. i feel rested but completely shot the first part of my day/ i have to be at work in a little over an hour, looks like i am not getting anything accomplished today.

brandon and i hung out over at nick and drews last night, these are the kids responsible for the ink and holes in/on our bodies. we had a good time. nic has an awesome dog named chopper, it is a beast.

i had some really crazy ass dream about not being able to walk correctly. i kept moving my legs but couldnt get away from some person who was lecturing me. i am not sure what i was being lectured about, but it sucked. anyway, that is about the extent of that dream, i really hated the fact that i couldnt escape.

well i am going to take advantage of this last hour. gotta work til 11, but hopefully i ll get some reading done.

'she's got colors to spare and i don't care what they choose
and i've got nothing to do and nothing like you left to lose'

4th February 2003

9:24pm: if you are going through hell, keep going! - churchill
that is a great bit of advice. it makes complete sense, too. if you are already there, just get through it.

not a whole hell of alot to say.

i am tired.

we are having a party this weekend, come one, come all.

seriously, i think that is it.

'You single-handedly destroyed everything we were,
Everything we were to become'

3rd February 2003

2:35pm: i won some battles but i lost the war.
This is the last time I'll try to reach you
and my guess is, you'll just ignore me.
Without a passing glance
without the slightest sigh
without moving your hands
without the softest cry.

If I'd say
go your own way, I'll be with you
make mistakes and I'll forgive you
home is waiting here for you when you return.

-further seems forever

that is really about all i have to offer right now. the culmination of the last few weeks events have caused me to lose a friend, and it sucks.

on top of all that, my brain is asking so many friggin questions;

should i go back to school?
should i keep working?
should i drink to pass the time?
should i listen to only hardcore from now on?
should i forget the past?
should i pretend i dont care?
should i move back home?
should i give up on my ambitions?
should i beg for another chance?
should i get more tattoos?
should i beat myself up over things i cant control?
should i realize that maybe some things arent worth it?
should i just become a recluse?

i think i am just going to go to sleep.

2nd February 2003

10:43pm: breathe out your insecurites.
one wild weekend.

in short, that explains it. myself and the rest of our band, races to april, headed for blacksburg at about 4pm on fri afternoon. the drive was long, dark, and foggy. we arrived at the 708 house (very cool place) in plenty of time. everything seemed to be in order until we accidentely locked all our merch in chris's car... shit. well have no fear, AAA was dispatched and snaked the door for us. we got the merch and headed inside.

we were really amped on the show but things started falling out of place... the show kicked off 30 minutes late, then the bands all took longer than anticipated. it's cool though, that's rock and roll. we finally got set up on the tiny stage after some creative space saving tricks. we got a lot of good feedback about our set and made some great friends. all and all i was proud of us.

the best part of the show was still ahead, though. good friends of ours, rarae avis, were set to rock out... and rock out they did. the music was incredible, so damn talented those kids. the crowd loved them, we loved them, soon the world will love them.

after the looong show, it was time for some r and r. rob and i snatched up rarae avis's heart-throb guitarist, ben fama, and headed over to my good friend's. I hadnt seen kelly for so long, but it was just like old times. hanging out, having a drink and relaxing, it was a great night.

Ben had the bright idea of walking back to his place at about 4 that morning. sounded good to me cause there was an extra bed open so i agreed to go along. thank for telling me it was a 3 mile walk, ben. he made up for that blunder with a free lunch at VT dining. it was swell.

that was just one day, we still had another show on saturday. we made it there in good time as well. we played one of our better shows in my opnion. made friends with an awesome band called the k word. these kids rock.

so that was that, rock and roll weekend. there are many details left unsaid, but you get the picture.

peace out.

'put your hand in my hand, and promise to stay forever. this would be a tragedy if it didnt last forever.'

31st January 2003

2:30am: first word forward...
just hanging out in rob's room, listening to him write out a new song. sounds pretty damn good to me. it has been a rather long day and i am tired from a restless night. we leave later today for blacksburg where we get to play a good old rock and roll show, i am very excited about that. i am thinking i might spent sunday and monday in richmond since i have the days off. i havnt seen kit in a while and since he lives in richmond and all it seems like a good idea to go down there.

poor issabelle, too damn cute for her own good. she has to fight the men off with a stick! she is going to kick my ass for talking about her like that. actually i really do feel for her sometimes, she seems to have a few people in her life that are not true friends: ones who love her for all the wrong reasons...
i hate to see good people get hurt.

anyway, that was just a quick update out of boredom i assume.
clone high is a very funny show.
the end.

'my heart bleeds for what you never did.'
-alkaline trio

30th January 2003

11:14am: always second guessing...
what a night. nothing like late-night waffle house to bring out the kid in me. rob, brandon and myself all took off for coffee at about 130 this morning and had a great time as always. there is no wrong when it comes to waffle house.

turns out that was just the beginning of my night. we had to get home around 230 because brandon was expecting some company. we walked in the apartment and i immediately got on messenger, rob passed out on his bed behind me, and brandon and his 'friend' made their way upstairs. over IM i got in to a heated debate with an old friend. the online conversation turned in to one of those late night phone calls that aren't good for anyone. it was a back and forth free-for-all for at least two hours. finally around four this morning i had to conceite the victory, i was emotionally spent. i am thinking the talk actually did some good, if nothing else i got a lot of shit off my chest.

that about brings this journal up to date. i really hate the situations that i have had to deal with as of late, but i know that i may come out a stronger person through it all. if i look at it from that point of view, it seems much more bearible. sorry to you that have had to deal with my wild emotions. it is nice to have such good friends.

'i hope someday you'll understand i want to try
and make it right but dont' know if i can
last night everything was right and the rain was gone
one summer night's the only time we've known
so, shut your eyes and when you wake i'll be gone.'
-the get up kids

29th January 2003

9:08am: the early bird gets the worm.
so i decided to get up at 830 this morning and make something of my day. i want to feel like there is more to life than waking up at noon, sitting around and then going to work only to repeat the process again and again. i probably could have handled a few classes this semester but lately i have just been so turned off at the idea of school. i am really hoping that after a productive summer, next semester will come easier. if not, i know that school will always be there.

it is about 915 now and i just started a load of laundry: much needed. i am going to call nic in about an hour and wake her up, she hates it when i do that. she always finds it in her big heart to forgive me, what a great friend. she has really helped me through some tough times and as of late she has been working hard to kick our friendship in to high-gear.

the band i play drums for, races to april, has a big weekend planned. we are really excited about heading up to blacksburg on friday and rocking out with our good friends in rarae avis. sat we make the journey back to the tidewater to play at shadrachs. this place, better known as simply 'shads' has become a great club to play. always lots of people and free coffee, no complaints here. not to mention last time i saw nic's boyfriend boyfriend there, he rocked a shirt that read 'nathan is wicked awesome'. what more could you ask for?

'Life is just a big second guess, a broken staircase of mistook steps...'
-american nightmare

28th January 2003

1:49pm: the beginning of the end.
well, i finally caved in. i did what most 'sappy' kids do and got an online journal. and now i am being even more cliche by ridiculing myself for having one. it is a nice thing, though; being able to look back on how you felt on a particular day. to see your thoughts and the way others respond to them is not such a bad thing i suppose. so here goes...

for me, the past few days have been absolutely miserable in the emotional sense. i ll just say that love hurts and no matter how callous you think you are to a situation something always happens that knocks you of your high horse, or maybe that only happens to me. i really fucked up, i feel like i am losing the most important parts of some of the most important people in my life. i just wish that things could have been different. the past several months i have had this really huge problem with indecisiveness. all i can say about that is: indecision leads to heartache, leads to mistakes. and with that said, i should really get ready for work. until next time...

'it's easier to break than is is to bend.'
-orange island
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