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Wednesday, October 29th, 2003

Subject: Update! Time: 6:05 pm. Mood: moody. Music: Stacys Mom.Fountains of Wayne.

I know I said to myself that I would update this thing, but I just never found time. I have so many things to update on, so I'll do my best to remember everything. I've been having panic attacks recently and I mistaked them for seizures. So now the insurance company won't pay for my last two hospital visits, which is really bad because I went in an ambulance both times. I hope it all gets worked out, but I don't know how those things work exactly. My Mom said she would take care of it, but I'm going to feel really guilty if she has to end up paying for all of it. I went to my doctor and she gave me Lezopro for my anxiety/panic attacks. It says it will take a few weeks for the medicine to really start working, so I'm waiting patiently. I was also upped on my medicine for my seizure disorder, and now I take 7 pills a day. It's not so much the pills that bother me, because they are spread out evenly through the day, so I'm not terribly drowsy but its the fact that I cannot drink whatsoever, or do any drugs in my lifetime while I am on my seizure pills, because even just one cup of alcohol could stop my medicine and I could go into a seizure. It's stressing me out, and I get so paranoid even if my foot is sleep, that I'm going to have a seizure. Hopefully the medicine they gave me will help. I see my doctor again November 5, to see how I am and get more information on seeing a therapist and going to seizure support groups. I'm also looking into seizure-alert dogs and how much they are, for when I move out. School life is a bitch. I'm doing pretty good this year in my classes, but I have so many projects, essays, algebra problems that it all builds up. This year I am trying to manage my time better, and so far it's been okay. Report cards come out at the end of next week. I'm going to be so stressed out the following week. Thank goodness I have Monday off for teacher meetings. I have so much to do.. it's not even funny. On the bright side of school, I see Alex all the time! It makes me so happy that I get to see him again, after never seeing him. We haven't exactly talked a whole lot though, its mostly just passing each other in the hallways. My Dad went into the hospital last Monday night, for depression. He seems to be doing okay, and he was put on some new type of anti-depressant and he seems to be more relaxed. When I went to visit him last night I went into a panic attack and had to lay down in his bedroom. I don't know if I was upset because I had to visit him there, or because of all the different types of people that are there. Some of the teenagers remind me of myself, and I can relate to them so well. When I was there in the summertime visiting my Mom, it wasn't bad and I was okay. Never really panicked. And now recently, since I've had panic attacks, it doesn't help seeing all those people. But I want my Dad to get better, and I'm not sure when he's getting out. He's going through a lot and will be there for awhile. Anyways, my hand was shaking involuntary and I felt like I couldn't breathe, was really lightheaded, numbness all over, and like I was getting stung by bees all over. I layed down for about 30 minutes, and I was okay after that. But like I said, I hope my meds start working for that. I have other things I want to update on, but I can't remember all of them. I'll update later when I can remember all of them.

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Time: 7:48 pm. Mood: gloomy.

things here have been so-so. i haven't really updated my journal in awhile, and when i do i sound really confusing to everyone else because i haven't updated as best as i could. anyways, it's soo cold here in chicago. just a few weeks ago it was in the 70s and now its dropped down to 50s. i haven't found my clogs yet and it sucks because they are the shoes that keep me warmest + i don't exactly have a job or anything so money is low for me right now. i should try and find them when i sign off. school life is okay, and not so okay. its getting stressful once again, but luckily not as worse as last year because i am used to the schoolwork and i can manage my time. the only class i am worried about is physics. things have been okay with my family. my mom is really depressed lately. my dad isn't exactly going to work as best as he could, and sometimes he just calls in because he doesn't want to go since he hates his job so much. but he had a hemoraid (spelling?) and had surgey on it last week, so he took time off last week from work. he's going back tomorrow. anyways, since he isn't making as much they deducted the child support from $630 to $330 and when he writes the check it usually bounces since he doesn't even have that much in his checking. my mom is depressed about that, since hes a stay-at-home wife. but, she does get money from her trust fund and now that my dad doesn't even pay her and all of that is messed up, shes low on money usually. also, my stepdad lives with us and hes retired. he does get money from the state and such, but not as much as my mom wants. so, we ( the children ) suggested that she get a job, even if it just is a grocery store job, to get the money so she can get her little wants and our little wants and needs as well. she says shes putting in applications everywhere and she had a job interview tomorrow, so we'll see how it goes. i think i'm just sick of seeing my mom + stepdad sitting around all day doing nothing with their lives except doing the dishes and playing card games on the computer. its complicated, i'll tell you journal more when i find it all out. the one thing that really upsets me is what my older brother told me a few days ago- that no matter what i do with schoolwork, no matter how hard i study, my parents with the way they are going right now- they will be unable to send me to a proper university. community college is NOT bad, but when im working my ass off for 4 years i don't want to just go to a community college, i deserve to go to a university. my mom wants to move to utah- for less money. but when she's trying to kick me out every other weekend, or shes dealing with my bitching, or taking away rights from me like i can't see my grandmother because she lives with my uncle and she hates my uncle, i can't deal with that. shes uncomfortable with me over at my uncles when i see my grandmother, because my uncle hates my mom. and my grandmother can't get up and go in her car and meet us at a restaurant somewhere, she had a brain tumor a few years ago and is paralyzed in her hands and is in a wheelchair. but, whatever. my life is messed up. i'll update you all later, hope everybody is having a great night. xoxo

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Subject: CORY LOVES ME! Time: 4:27 pm. Mood: crushed. Music: California - Phantom Planet.

There's not a whole lot to update you on. I've been going to school everyday, and my grades are pretty good. I haven't met anyone that I'm really close with. Sonny's little brother Alex is in my grade, and I've been trying to think of a way to talk to him because I really miss Sonny and want to see him soon. And Alex is my only way of being able to see him. I have a French quiz Monday, and I'm making an 83% in that class, so I should start studying I think. I found out I'm making a 93% in Health. We're watching Eating Disorder movies, and the one weare currently watching is so scary. It brings shivers to my mind when I think back in the 6th grade when I stopped eating and almost got to the point where I was diagnosed with an eating disorder. Scary shit. I'm really depressed this time of the year, last year at this time I was still living in my old house. It makes me really depressed and upset. :( I want to go back there.

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Time: 10:07 am. Mood: crazy.

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Subject: Well.. Time: 4:16 pm. Mood: confused.

There has been a lot going on in my life, and I've been too busy to write in this. But I'm here now, so everything will be okay. I don't know where to start though... I'm currently watching reruns of the Real World Paris since I didn't see all of last week's episode and I'm waiting for it to come on. School stuff has been okay. The people are so much nicer this year then last year and some of them are extremely sweet. I really, really miss Sonny still. His little brother Alex goes to high school still, and so I am thinking of talking to him, and see if he could invite me over sometime to see Sonny. I found out that Sonny has a girlfriend now, rawr. Anyways.. Physics is my favorite class, only because of the people. My teacher is kind of a dork though. I was told that Physics would be easy, but I'm not quite sure. A girl I spoke to last Wednesday said it got pretty hard and she only passed with a 76%. I have a packet due Tuesday that I started on last night since I was so bored, and I'll finish it up tomorrow. I also have French. Speaking of French, my teacher needs to get his eyebrows plucked but he's pretty cool. I made a 100% on my algebra worksheet, and I find out my English worksheet grade on Tuesday, along with my Physics grade. Hopefully I'm doing well so far... Besides that, yesterday my Mom was freaking out over numberous things. Point is, she couldn't cope with her problems and she resulted in drinking again. We found a huge bottle of wine in the backyard bushes and under my brothers pillow. I don't think it was his, manily because my Mom was down in his room all day yesterday and he was out with my Father fishing. Anyways, she called the police to try and get my Father arrested for coming on her property and she agreed to go back to the hospital. This morning however, she escaped from there and when she got home, a little while later the police came and took her back. She just got home since she was discharged the PROPER way, and I don't know whats going on. She's still denying that the wine wasn't hers and that she wasn't drunk last night (the police even noticed it) so I don't know what we are going to do. I'm quite confused at the moment, about everything.

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Subject: Well, it could have been worse.. Time: 9:00 pm. Mood: restless.

Today was the first day of school. It has been a looong day! I don't really have any blow off classes this year, maybe Business Principiles. Either way, I'm going to be having to suck ass to my English teacher big time this year to get into a higher level of English next year. This year will be just preparing for higher classes. French is going to be my hardest class, I think. And Physics. We'll see. My teachers aren't so bad, I was mostly worried about them and they weren't too bad. My new French teacher needs to pluck his eyebrows, and I'm not quite sure about my Physics teacher, they both seem a bit creepy. We'll see how it goes. I terribly miss Sonny. I thought I saw him today, as well as I thought I saw Erik. Crazy things. I almost woke my brother up this morning and told him to get ready for school, it made me sad. He's going to a community college for a year, and he went and took some testing today to see if he could transfer out of English 101. Updates on that later.

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Subject: Hell Time: 8:47 pm. Mood: aggravated. Music: none.

Tomorrow is registration for school. Already the anxiety has set in. I don't know if I will be able to handle it this year. I have so many classes I need changed as well, so even if I like any of the classes I am in, I will have to switch those. Even worse, if I like the people that are in the classes, I'll get fucked there too. I have no clue what to wear either. it's only for 30 minutes, but I do not want to step in that school anymore. It will remind me that I am still stuck there, and everybody else that means anything to me is off at college or doing bigger and better things. All the people have left for college, or will be gone by the end of the week. And to top it all off, Adam didn't even speak to me for the summer and now he finally is starting to notice me again.. right when he leaves for college again. My goal for the summer was to get all or atleast most of the girls at the pool like me, and they still all hate me. Everybody hated me at school as well, for no reason. Oh, and have I mentioned I think my Mom is back on marijuana? My life just fucking rocks. Hi Cory.

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Subject: Mom Time: 7:53 pm. Mood: confused.

I tried to go shopping today with my Mom. We were on our way but I was upset with a few of the things that she had done to me and said, and yelled at her about them. So she turned around the car, told me that if that's the way I was going to act then I could wait until tomorrow so I wouldn't have that attitude. Then I went out to dinner with my Father & my little brother Cory. Now I'm home, watching a rerun of "The OC".

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Subject: Update.... Time: 6:19 pm. Mood: weird. Music: none.

So, I haven't updated in awhile. I know I should have but its not like anyone is really all that interested in my life. The news in my life is pretty boring. I haven't been up to much but I'll tell you the minor details because I don't feel like writing a whole bunch. The people who work at the pool are leaving for college soon! I am really upset about that because I finally got somewhat closer with them and right before they have to leave. It's not the end of the world, and there are people who are still living here who are cool, so I have to stop thinking that the world will come to an end when the 2003 class goes off to college. I still am really, really, really going to miss them. Well, not all of them.. but most of them! School starts in 13 days. I'm going school shopping tomorrow, or on Thursday. I need a lot of clothes, and I want some new sandals and flip-flops. I'm dreading going back. It will give me something to do because summer has really made me bored of BEING bored. But, I don't want the homework and the stress. I am still sick of it all. We'll see how it goes. I need to join some clubs this year. The only classes I am looking forward to are Engish and French. I wish we didn't have to have so many credits to graduate, I think they need to lower the number. Oh well. My Mom is doing okay, she gets out of out-patient programs tomorrow. We're doing okay on our relationship, but some little things she does I can't stand. She'll bend over it teeny-weeny shorts and show off her saggy butt. I mean, shes 49 years old! DRESS YOUR AGE! Or she'll yell at me for having my shorts rolled down to low and then she'll go into Walgreens in a belly top. It's embarrassing and I can't stand it anymore. We're going to family counseling so it's not too bad. I hope things work out better then usual though. I'm worried that if other problems come up like she starts drinking or using drugs again that it will interfere with schoolwork this coming year, and I can't afford that. That put too much on me last year and really messed up some of my grades. It was mostly me who messed up, but the problems interfered. Not anything else to say... I went to go see "Freaky Friday" with my Mother's friend on Sunday, and it was really good. I talked to my older brother's friend/my friend today for a good 2 hours and then watched "The Fabulouse Life of Britney Spears" on VH1 and now I'm watching parts of "The Lizzie McGuire Movie" while talking to my Mom. Tonight I am looking forward to watching the second episode of "The OC". I think I'm already addictied to that show! The main character Ryan is handsome. That's all.

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Time: 8:40 pm. Mood: accomplished.

Today turned out to be eventful. I went to the beauty salon and as soon as they looked at the knot in my hair they all said "That won't get out, we have to cut it" as well as every other person that worked there. The lady that was dealing with my hair today asked everybodys opinion and they all agreed. IT HAD TO BE TAKEN OUT! But it turned out pretty well. They cut it out (saved a piece of my hair for a souvenir) and thank god it wasn't noticeable. My hair is so thick, that if it wasn't they would have had to cut it really short because it would stick up. But thank goodness, after she cut it out you couldn't even find the strand. So thats all we had to do with it. Then I got an inch off and put the layers back in. It looks cute, and she put the layers in long enough so I can still put it up anyway I would like. Its a few inches past my shoulders now. Anyways, it was the first haircut that I was happy with and I was really glad everything turned out for the best. I want to make an appt. to get my eyebrows waxed and my toenails done before school starts. I have to call soon, because it is SO hard to get in there. The only way I got in today was because of an cancellation. I gave the lady a $5 dollar tip because she was so great. She didn't charge me for getting the knot out, just for the cut and the layers. <3 She's now my new hair stylist! I looove you Carlonie! <333 After that- I went to the pool, tanned, came home and ate. I was going to be baby-sitting this 2 year for my Moms friend. She just started AA and needed someone to take care of him for an hour, but she couldn't make it to the meeting today. Shes real sweet, and 25. She was going to pay me, but I wasn't going to let her. She was pregrant at 15, and then the kid she had is now in a special childcare because of his temper, and her boyfriend won't let her go to AA meetings because he is afarid that she will meet a guy there. If hes so worried, why not just go along with her? Anyways, will see whats up with that later. She seems real nice.

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Subject: Long time, no update! Time: 8:12 pm. Mood: moody.

I haven't written in here in awhile. I would have, but I never really wanted to. To update things from the last time I wrote, my cat was okay. He still has a small cold, but we have medicine for it and he seems to be doing okay. We just can't let him out until the medicine is all gone and he gets a checkup. To update on other things, I'm really dreading going back to school. I wish my school would go back in September, but we start August 25. I'm excited for school shopping but not for the people. I was really bitchy last year to the people that wanted to talk to me, and the rest of them were just bitches. I don't understand why some people have to be so bitchy. Some of them were really, really sweet. I hope I have some classes with the friends I do have there but I'm not sure whats going on. I have to switch some classes there as well, so even if I get comfortable in some of the classes I have, my schedule will be all messed up so I will probably have another year that I hate. Another year of bitchy snobby girls, another year of stressful homework, and to top it all of I wanted to join some sports this year but I overloaded myself with some classes. I don't know if I will be able to handle all the things I am taking. But I don't want to switch. Hopefully, things will be okay. But I doubt it. Oh yeah-- I have this huge knot in my hair that will not get out at all, and I went to the beauty paylor to see if they could help me get it out. I don't want to cut my hair to get it out though. Once I get it out (if I do) I am going to get a trim and put the layers back in.

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Subject: Sleepy Time: 10:24 pm. Mood: sleepy. Music: spin. lifehouse.

I'm so sleepy so I will make this quick. Today my brother's Cat got sick and we took him to the vet. He had a 107 temp and a really high white blood cell count. They were giving him a cold bath and going to do x-rays on him since he had a lot of infections and also because he had gotten cut up pretty bad on the neck from my other cat. But that he would be okay, and if everythings anything seriously wrong they would call. The bill will be $500 dollars overnight, and anywhere from $1,200-1,700 total. Damn. For a cat. But whatever it takes to get better, my brother is a really tough guy but deep down, he really cares about some things deeply and one of them is his cat. I really hope hes okay. <3 Keep you updated.

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Time: 10:40 pm. Mood: silly.

I just gone finshed with taking a bubble bath, yay. I haven't had one of those in over a year. But it was nice, and I need to have them more often.. like everyday. ;) It got my hair shinnier then a shower. I'm squeaky clean. Anyways, today I went out to eat lunch and then went to the pool. Then I went out to eat dinner with my Dad and little sister. Today was the first day I had pizza in over 3 years at Ledos. Scary stuff, huh? My Mom came home today. Which is good, but shes stricer then usual. That's okay though, she's still nice. ;) She goes to outpatient programs starting Monday. I'm proud of her. I missed her <3 I'm out of things to say.. bye!

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Time: 8:37 pm. Mood: irritated.

My Mom gets out tomorrow. The only thing that has pissed me off this whole week is that I went there EVERYDAY that she was in the hospital, and it seemed that all she wanted to do the entire time of visitation was talking to Mike (Stepdad) which is fine, but she could atleast talked to me. I would ask her questions, and of course she'd answer them but she'd then always continue what she had to say with Mike, like I was nothing. It bothered me. A lot. I should have said something. Grr. Another thing to bring up at family counseling sessions.

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Time: 10:38 pm. Mood: anxious. Music: the remedy. jason mraz.

Once again, not a whole lot to update you on. I did a whole lot of nothing today. The highlights of my day were going to see my Mom, and shopping for food & for shampoo. I realized how much my Mom & I are alike and how much I really have to support her. I noticed how unsupportive I can be towards her, with just being sarcastic and I need to stop that. I really miss her. She comes home Saturday, but she may be doing out patient programs. I know that's good, but I'm alittle mad because that might delay our St. Louis vacation. I know that sounds selfish of me because this is so much more important then going to St. Louis. But I think I need a vacation and a break from everything because I am affected by so much as well. We'll see how it goes. My Mom is doing really, really well though, and I am so proud of her. She is trying so hard, I admire her. Tomorrow is cleaning day. Yuck!

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Blurty for Kelly Meghan. View: User Info. View: Friends. View: Calendar. View: Memories. You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.