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Seriously? [15 Feb 2008|11:58pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | *Yesterday and Today*~ MURS ] If anyone still reads this, leave me a comment and I'll start posting again. This bitch is practically dead, but I may have to revive it. I still have things to say, I just never have free time like I did when I was 16. 3 Shot Me Down// Bang, Bang!

Live! [14 Oct 2007|12:28am] [ mood | calm ] [ music | *Pass the Mic*~ Beastie Boys ] This journal will never die. As long as I have nothing to do on a Saturday night, there will always be room for posts on this bitch. I just read my post from last year and let me say: COLLEGE KICKS ASS. I mean, it doesn't kick incredible ass. It's not like mind blowing orgasms 24 7. But I really love it here. I'm so happy. I'm living the dream. Freshman year was kinda suck, but that's because I was too introverted. I'm going out this year, so it's fun. And I'm doing well in classes and making a name for myself. I still got a lot of work to do, but I'm making it good. Don't expect another update until the summer, but until then... this is the good life. =) Bang, Bang!

Overdue [16 Nov 2006|01:47am] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | *Whats It feel Like to be a ghost"~ Taking Back Sunday ] I got an essay that's due in 6 hours. I should probably start it. The topic of blogging came up between my roommate, and I'd figure I'd write a short blurb to keep this bastard alive. College is surely improving, but I'm still waiting for the day where I can say "college kicks ass". And mean it. I am home in 4 weeks, and that makes me happy. 2 of those weeks are easy. Bye bye now. Bang, Bang!

College. [08 Oct 2006|11:00pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | *Say It Ain't So*~ Weezer ] If I told everything that was on my mind regarding college, I would surely be up until probably 3AM. but maybe if I can give a clever anecdote every now and then, I'll be good. In a nutshell, college isn't exactly as great as I had hoped it would be. Although I am a lot happier than I was a month ago, I'm still not entirely content with college like many of my friends. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of great things about college life, but I hope this isn't as good as its gonna get, because these are supposed to be the best years of my life. The people are my main gripe. Luckily, I am on a floor with some of the most awesome rich kids America has to offer. John, Stewart, Derrick, Justin, Brent... all great guys. But most of the other people, mainly girls, suck. It seems every girl I've met is fake. Dior or D&G sunglasses, a Gucci or Delta Gamma handbag, and either a Motorola RAZR in her ear, or iPod earbuds. They just can't stand having something "speaking" to them. They all are quite attractive, but I can only handle so much beauty before I'm yearning for a brain and personality. I hope as college life progresses, I'll find all the nice people here, but so far, there isn't much to deal with. The guys hear make me wanna throw away all my Polo shirts and my only LaCoste one. EVERYONE here wears them. You can't walk to one of your classes without seeing at least 5 lof them. I like dressing nice but I also like being in the minority. I am not doing to well in my classes. I'd say if I could give a preliminary GPA average, it would probably be about, 2.2, which is like 1 full point less than I'm used to. I really need to start studying more. That's all I'm disclosing for now. Is it way too early to be thinking about transferring. 1 Shot Me Down// Bang, Bang!

2 Weeks Notice [01 Aug 2006|11:17pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | *XO*~ Fall Out Boy ] Reality! That's the theme of this blog, reality. And I like it because it has one of my favorite words in it: real. But just because something is real, doesn't always mean its comfortable or easy. And that's what this is about too. Well, my mom is That's all I really have to say. She always seems to be fucking relationships over. I don't think she'll ever talk to my sister again, it sucks. It's really hard for me, because I want those two to be able to talk to each other. No one is happy over it, and I still hate how stubborn is; she refuses to look at the other person's perspectives. There's no use in talking to her. And I just hate how sheltered and out of touch with reality she is. And college, which is the reality to end all reality. Today was the first day of August. I realized by the end of August, I'll be in another city, county, state, place. It's really hitting me. I'm really getting nervous. First of all, getting all my stuff I still need to submit. Vaccination records, ID pictures, minor stuff like that. But I'm not gonna have anyone to latch onto immediately. Every time I'm on Facebook, it makes me sick, because it just makes me realize how ahead of the game everyone is. It just seems like everybody knows each other, and that they will all have an advantage over me when I get there. I worry that everyone's gonna be friends, and I'll be behind with people telling me "Felipe, where have you been?" I'm sure this is normal, and that other people are thinking this, and that I'll adjust in time, but I just wish the beginning of school was a little bit more comfortable. I mean it would be nice to be in a familiar setting, but if you live life in your comfort zone the whole time, you'll never get to experience much of anything. I want to experience, and sometimes, you need to do and be a part of things that aren't always easy for that to happen. 3 Shot Me Down// Bang, Bang!

Palmdale is So 2 Years Ago [28 Jul 2006|01:36pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | *Chicago is So 2 Years Ago*~ Fall Out Boy ] Dang, I just read my last 2 blogs, and I was some depressed shit. I'm telling you, everytime around my birthday, things just suck. And its nice for me to post a blog without any negative shit going on. Well, not quite. I mean, there's always something going on, life isn't perfect, but you really got to just roll with the punches sometime. Gosh, Blurty is getting so hard to maintain, I said it everytime. I really regret not posting in it more often because so much goes on, and I'll never be able to know what things were like from early June 06 to late July 06. It's funny because I barely read 6 week old comments right now. I guess people do read this sometimes. Well, where do I start? Like I said, everything is not bad. Not great like it will be (fingers crossed) in August, but tolerable. Umm let's see, I graduated. I've been typing thoughts in this since I was a sophomore in high school, and now high school is over, it's pretty amazing. Well, my mom didn't go to my graduation, and that hurt a little, but it was completely overpowered by everything that happened at my graduation. It was pretty amazing. I got to graduate and sit right by my best friends. Me and Jasmine didn't really have a choice but to reconcile, you can't graduate and be mad at someone. We never really formalized it, we just kinda started talking to each other at graduation. It sucks though because I have so many pictures to post, but my camera is way to new for this computer, so I have to wait until I get my Mac for that happen, and that will be at least another 2 weeks. Sorry. But I'm really glad not to be upset at Jasmine anymore. Overall, she is a pretty good person. Hell yeah she does have some flaws, but everybody does. Good friends no how to drive around those flaws. She's still with Austin, and they seem to be really serious, but I'm going to try and talk about them so much. This isn't Austin nor Jasmine's blog, and thats their life. Jasmine went to Michigan with her dad, and so since July 7th, there hasn't been too many people to hang out with. She comes back August 7th, so there will be sometime to hang out before she leaves. The first 2 weeks she was gone, I wasn't sad or anything, but lately, I've been starting to miss her/ adjust to life without her. It's okay I guess. Sean got punished just about right after we graduated. He's barely been off punishment for these last 2 weeks, and we've been hanging out a little bit. Man, do I really worry about that kid though. I wish his parents knew him as well as I do, because he is not ready to go to college. The kid still thinks like he's in his sophomore year. I try to help him out, but I can't run his life for him. I'll be able to guide him for a few more weeks, then he'll be on his own. After that? Good luck, kid. I'm really not going to try and save him if he's screwing his life up in Daytona Beach. It seems like he just refuses to grow up, which isn't that bad, because I really don't want to either, but fuck, sometimes people need to think like adults. Weed, ass, and having a good time are really all that's on his mind. It's not too bad now, but I have a feeling he's gonna carry it on to college. And then thats when shit really's going to hit the fan. Now as you probably might know, I'm pretty much an advocate against weed and alcohol. When other people do it, I don't care too much, as long as its in moderation, and as long as they don't try to get me involved. But I really thing Sean is going to start spiraling out of control with the green. He actually coaxed me into buying his bong paraphenalia at a smoke shop. Smoking it is one thing, buying shit for it is something else. Man oh man sean, I hope you're getting it out of your system now. I would say about 80% of my summer is engulfed in work. It was tolerable at first, but I'm really starting to hate it now. Mainly as of late. It's been so hot, and I've been doing a lot of work outside, but what bothers me the most is that Steve and Frank always gotta make me feel like an idiot whenever I mess up on the most mundane tasks. Now I would usually get in someone's face about it, but I know that this is only temporary, so I don't even waste my breath. I only have 10 more days of work before I quit, so I can put up with it. The reason I'm working is to save up for my pristine Apple MacBook Pro. It's a cool 2 grand (plus any other add-ons) Now I'm currently at 1,950 with a 115 dollar check on check, so I'm technically at my goal, but I anticipate it will come to a grand total of 22, maybe 23, and I haven't been getting many hours of late, so I will most likely get it, but without much money leftover, which I planned on. Oh well. My sister got engaged. Just a few days ago. I was speechless when she told me, but at the same time, it still sucks because my mom is still an asshole about it. She's still not talking to my sis. And I can imagine it's impossible for Angel and Henry to really soak it up and enjoy knowing that my mom is a prick and still considers her a whore for moving in with him. I wish I could be completely happy (even though I am still a little) but it's so hard with my mom and all. I know my sister and Henry are good people, I wish my mom could see it too. As far as my own relationship with my mom, I guess it has improved. But I still can never really, how should I say, accept her. Her head is just somewhere else, and you can't bring it back to reality. She is helping pay for my tuition, but... i don't know. She needs medication, honestly. I saved this for last because I like ending on a good note, and it's one of the 2 or 3 things left that I can really be excited about. College! It was just kind of a dream a few months ago, but with every passing day, it's becoming more of a reality. I'm not gonna be a resident of Palmdale, heck, not even a resident of California anymore! I'm going to be independent, I'm escaping every shithole memory I've ever had, I get to be somewhere else, meet new interesting people, and just live. August 16th is my last day. I leave in 20 days, and 2 days after I arrive, I move in. 4 days after that, my classes start. I'm way excited, but just recently, I'm starting to get a little bit nervous, which is a change for me, because I've always loved the first day of school, and the new everything. One fear that I recently acquired is the other students. I recently was introduced to Facebook, and it might just be me, but it seems like everyone is the same. Upper middle class to upper class New Englanders that love to drink and party. I like to have a good time too, but it's not all my style, and I'm worried that I'll either have to adapt to their lifestyles, or just be an outcast. I really want to meet and become friends with as many people as I can, but I also want to like and enjoy the company of these people. I hope this is only an assumption and not the truth. Oh, and I found out my roommate. Now originally I figured it was going to be me and my friend from school James. We both have a lot in common, and we're both pretty good friends, but I got my room assignment, and his name was nowhere to be found. My current assigned roommate is Jon Moss from Bala Cynwyd, PA (a suburb of Philly). He e-mailed me and he loves sports and country music, and hates loud music. He's also a laid back guy. Even though this guy sounds nothing like me, I'm actually kinda fascinated by him. The fact that I've never met the guy leaves something to the imagination, and something to look forward to. It's gonna be interesting to meet him for the first time. Well that's all I got for now. Believe it or not, that was actually kind of a rushed, condensed version. It's hard to go in detail and tell what's really going on when you're trying to summarize nearly 2 months worth of events. Hopefully they'll be more to talk about, negative AND positive. I'm off to take a shower, keep your chin up children. Bang, Bang!

Trend [05 Jun 2006|09:48pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | *Time to Dance*~ Panic! at the Disco ] I never update this when I'm happy anymore. What a shame. I do have happy points in my life, but the sad ones are the most significant. I don't know how I muster a friendly mood in school. Because you would think I would have a lot to smile about, but I really don't. This sounds drastic, but I could easily kill myself and it would be done, and a lot of my kids in my situation would probably act upon those impulses. But it's never an option. Ever. I don't think I would ever kill myself no matter how bad it gets. Especially right now. The ratio to those who care about me to those who don't is something like 200 to 1. And I wouldn't punish those 200 just to prove that 1 wrong. I also wouldn't commit suicide because I have such a good future set in front of me. I'm going to Miami, a good city and a great school. I have so much potential, and a lot of people expect me to do great things. Taking my own life is wasted potential and talent. No matter how badly Jasmine and my mom are fucking things for me, I'm not gonna let anybody get in the way of my destiny. "Keep your head; never give up, Never surrender."~ Wayne S. Hoskins Wayne doesn't know how impactful he's been. Just right now, he gave me a burst of happiness. Everything will be all right. Thanks Wayne. 2 Shot Me Down// Bang, Bang!

Salt Rocks On My Graduation [04 Jun 2006|01:53pm] [ mood | angry ] [ music | *LondonBeckonedSongsAboutMoneyWrittenByMachines*~ P! @ t D ] I don't remember the last time I cried when I was just sad. I'm pretty sure it was the day i broke up with Crystal which was like a year ago. And I cried tears of joy when I got into college. Every time since then though, it's been because I was just angry. And even though I didn't really cry today, I am very upset. Guthrie told me that a lot of great successes had a hurdle to go over, or a 'psychological wound' that they went through before they were great. I hope that this is my 'wound' right now. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I hate it when one person ruins shit for everyone. Sometimes, someone will ruin a movie, by giving away the ending. Or maybe its Sean Stanley not going to Magic Mountain when he planned the whole thing. But my mom is ripping the whole family apart. Maybe my sister did make a morality mistake by moving in with her boyfriend of 3 years. Minor in some cultures, but not in my mom's eyes. I am angry because my mom is not going to my graduation because I missed a whole day of school. Senior Ditch Day. American high school tradition. She says I don't value my education and I'm breaking the law. Don't value my education? Going to the University of Miami is the only thing I live for now. I have had so many people tell me I'm going to be successful, and this is what's gonna separate from every other person in the Antelope Valley. I know what I got in me, and I have the potential to do great things. But another person also has the potential to crush those hopes and dreams... This person is the same person who went to all my basketball games when I was little. And she's going to miss the most important event of my life (so far) because I went along with the crowd, and broke the law. She told me that her opinion is the only opinion that matters... I don't respect my mom anymore, because of her stubborness and failure to think of the bigger picture, and focusing only on individual events. I'm not going to spend the rest of the life trying to impress her. I told her there are a lot of people in her life that are going have beliefs she doesn't agree with. You don't push those people away. You recognize the differences and deal with them accordingly. I am nothing like my mother. I'm not going to try to be anything like her when i grow up, so why should I be trying to impress her? I am not disowning the family by missing school, or picking 2PM graduation as opposed to 6PM graduation. Did I mention she said she wasn't paying for college? I ditched school 2 weeks ago, and she still is firm on that threat. I'm not kidding, if I'm not in college August 20th, there will be no Felipe A. Yanez in the United States. I will swim to the Bahamas and live life as a hobo, and whatever happens along the way happens. I think that I could be the best thing that has ever happened to this family, and I'm not gonna let one person throw it away. The only person who's getting in the way of my success is myself. No one else. I am usually really good with the written word, but I don't want to speak anymore on this matter because I don't know what will happen. It's shit like this that makes a return to California after college less and less likely. 1 Shot Me Down// Bang, Bang!

Blue Collar [26 May 2006|11:59pm] [ mood | worried ] [ music | Zero! ] 5 4 3 2 1 And it's my birthday! I'm unofficially 18 years old (officially in 12 more hours), and you know what? I don't feel it. I wonder if all people that turn 18 don't feel it immediately. Well I do know I am more mature than a lot of kids my age. But, other times, I'm still a boy, but I will be doing a lot of growing up these next six months. One of the first steps of growing up... Getting a job! And I'm happy to say that on the 4th try, I finally got one. But I don't feel I earned it, being that my dad pretty much got me the job, I just called the guy. But it's interesting. Frank's Sign Service. They've been making a lot of the signs in the AV for the past few decades, and even in other cities like San Diego. I'm glad that I finally got a job (8 dollars, starting pay too) but I just hoped that I'm more of a hinderance than a 'helper' like Frank told me I would probably be. He said there would be a lot of lifting, and I lifted one of the concrete bench slabs they put up, and its not as easy as I thought. But that's a good thing, I'll be building some muscles over the summer. I'm working with a guy's group of guys, guys with names like Frank, Steve, and Jim, strong American names. Guys that go out to the bars on Friday night. And I'm pretty sure I'm the youngest guy on the 'force' by at least 10 years. Frank said the guy I'm replacing was 32 years old and thought he was the shit. But I'm pretty much down for anything, seeing as I'm getting paid. And my first day? On my birthday too. Its like my first sign of adulthood, is working. I'm worried but optimistic. Ehh... I'm kinda tired, and I have to be in at 10AM, so I'm outro. I'll post more later, including the latest beef my mom has. Bang, Bang!

Out of Place [12 May 2006|11:01pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | *Helena*~ My Chemical Romance ] I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't going to Miami. I don't know what I'd be doing if I didn't get into college. It seems like the closer I get to leaving for college, the more unneccessary problems I'm having. I hate this. I keep telling people I'm gonna miss you when I'm gone. The longer I'm here, the more I keep second guessing that. I don't think I'm gonna miss anything about California. Not my school, not the setting, not the surroundings, not my friends, not my family, not the people, nothing. Might be because I'm just in a shit circle right now. Things usually change for me. It's usually only one bad day out of the month and then sunshine the rest. Well today doesn't appear to be sunshine. AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK. I'm noticing a trend. May sucks balls. Last year, same sort of things were happening, and they carried onto early June. And it looks like this is beginning to happen again. One thing I am upset about, is I had a job interview. The Cinemark 22. I was fairly excited, and a little determined, because I felt this is a job I have a shot at getting. It's my 3rd interview. DOn't know if you remember the last two, but here's a recap: August '05: I saw an ad in the paper for a distribution inserter at the AV Press. I filled out the application, and turned it in, and was granted an interview on the spot. Cool. I want to get into media when I get older, so I figure, what a start? The guy takes me back to the noisy office where the newspapers are made, and asks me a few questions. Actually, I think there was only one. Maybe two. "Let's see... How old are you?" "Seventeen." "Oooohh... I'm sorry, we're looking for someone who is eighteen. Our insurance doesn't cover minors." Well fuck you then. February 2006: Taco Bell. Fill out my app, get another interview. The guy was in my Spanish class freshman year, so I figure he might get me a job. The interview was decent. And I got a phone call. "Yes, Felipe?" "Yeah?" "We're gonna need you to come in Monday at 8." "In the morning?" "Yeah." "Uhhh, I got class." "Ohhhh... You're still in high school?" "Yeah." "I'm sorry, we need somebody to work mornings... Sorry." :click: 0 for 2. May 2006: I got a mini phone interview yesterday, and the lady Ms. Johnson, seemed real nice. She invited me for an interview today. I planned my day around it. Kinda. I mean, i could of hung out with Sean and Jasmine tonight, but I knew I had an interview. I took another shower, and I got dressed up. A dress shirt, slacks, my Stacy Adams, I wanted this. And the interview went by pretty good. She said she'd interview others that night, and would give me a call by 10PM if I got a 2nd interview. 8:30. 9:00. 9:15. 9:30. 9:40. 9:45. 9:47. 9:50. 9:55. 9:59. 10:00. 10:04. 10:09. 10:15. So I don't know how I'm going to get income this summer. I really want/need a MacBook. 2 grand. ANd I have maybe... 400 dollars. I don't know, but it doesn't look like its going to happen. And my family is just, falling apart. My sister left a message yesterday, talking about her day, and finished by saying "me and Henry are going to go look for an apartment." Me? I don't care. I mean, Angel has been with Henry for 3 years. They're in they're late 20's, they're mature adults in a serious relationship. Shyeah. Tell that to my parents. My mom had to hear it from her to verify it. And I guess my dad talked to her about it too, for like, 15 minutes. Which is about 14 minutes longer than he usually talks to Angel on the phone. Well my mom is pretty much heartbroken about it, like she just lost her daughter. And my dad? Drinking himself into a ditch, probably. I don't know. I almost don't care. (I'll get back to alcohol in a bit.) Sophomore Felipe would be like: "Whats the big deal?" But I know my parents. And this goes completely goes against their Puritanical beliefs. This is fucking stupid. My sister didn't accidentally get a girl pregnant like my cousin Ryan. She is moving in with her boyfriend, who she has been with for 3 years. And now, our family is wrecked. I guess. Angel's an adult, but my parents, still living in the '60s are just, crushed. !!!%%%%%%!!! Sorry. But, I just hate how my parents ways are the standards. She thinks Angel and Henry have been disillusioned by Hollywood, and thinks its okay to live together. what the fuck. She's not a child anymore. She's not even her early 20s. She's going to turn 28 this year. Her peers are already married, pregnant, having their 4th kids by now. And my mom's blowing up over this? And she's attackinhg me, though not to the same extent, because I'm cool with it too. I just, uggghhh... Don't want to be in this family anymore. My dad took his vacation time in July. I go to school in August. Thus, my dad, as of now, will not be moving me into the dorms. And he's showing little remorse. How fucked is that? He is all for just FedExing my stuff a few days before, giving me some cash and a plane ticket, and shipping me off to Miami, by myself. The whole college issue is just a money thing to him. Money Is A Major Issue. Apparently. Fuck the education, fuck the people, fuck the professors, fuck the internships, fuck the experience, fuck the opportunities. money money money money money money money how much does it cost have you done scholarships how much did we get from the FAFSA did you apply for loans money money i love money no money no success no happiness money money Its too bad college isn't free, what else would he argue and complain about? You know, I'm totally cool with leaving on a plane to college by myself. All the more quicker to forget everything. I hope my roommate James can tolerate me, keep me grounded. He's gonna have to. Speaking of, I was talking about how Sean and Jasmine drink, and how they smoke the occasional bowl, and knowing that I don't participate in those activities, he asked: "How are you their friend?" And I don't know. Sean and Jasmine, overall, have more in common together than me with either of them. I think the biggest issue is drinking. They're drinking right now. And Sean, Mr. Peer Pressure, asked me today: "flip, make sure your chores are done. your spending the night." Its all just one giant mission for me to get shit faced. He drinks to get drunk, and Jasmine does too. And although I'm not trying to get them to stop, I just.,.,..,,,,..,,..,,,..,.,,,.,.,,..,...,,.,,.,. Hate it. Jasmine, is the advocate against it. "Sean, stop pressuring Felipe". But still, she isn't the one to lead by example. Sean just. I don't know. They're both ciphers a lot of the time. And you know, drinking isn't that big of a deal, but the way my dad drinks. He isn't a violent drunk, he's just, a big stupid drunk. And that's how Sean does it. I don't understand how I haven't given in and conformed with my close friends when it comes to it, but I guess its the Prohibitionist in me that just has no desire to do it. I hate how people are when they drink. Maybe it will change when I go to college. I hope it doesn't, I would be such a hypocrite. But how has alcohol contributed to greatness? I'm just finishing an essay on the Lost generation, and Fitzgerald and Hemingway were drinkers, usually with each other. Fitzgerald died a poor man, and Hemingway shot himself. I think the worst part about this whole alcohol situation, is that I hate the way my mom is so old-fashioned, conservative, and Puritanical, and this is exactly what I'm sounding like it. But alcohol is sort of an escape, it let's you be someone else, it gets you away from your current situation... People just need to face the music, and be themselves. I must be the minority on that issue. If Amanda hadn't called today, this might of been one of the worst days of the year. I'm not supposed to be here. I'm not supposed to be here. I'm not supposed to be here. I'm wondering if this is God's first real test for me. I thought I might be failing it a while back, because I do admit, I was losing faith in God and religion... But I think I can hold on. Maybe God does have a different plan for me, and perhaps he's just sending this shit down to see if I can hold on long enough to see the better part. 3 months + 1 week= Never Again. 1 Shot Me Down// Bang, Bang!

Isolated [29 Apr 2006|12:15am] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | Jay Leno ] Hm. I'm feeling especially lonely right now. And I'm usually content for the most part with being alone, but now, it'd be nice to have a friend. I'm not going to Prom. That's really weird for me to say, because back in Janaury I was thinking about it, but now... I'm just not going. I didn't get a date in time, I didn't buy a ticket in time, and I didn't look for a tux quick enough. Its amazing, and not in a positive way. But I really didn't want to go all that bad, because I would have felt more remorseful. The only thing I wish I would have avoided is all the people telling me how "I got to go to Prom." I don't got to. And I'm not. I just wish I had something more interesting to do instead. Like go to Coachella and listen to all the indie rock bands, and underground hip hoppers, and Kanye West. That would be perfect. But I'm doing nothing! But I'm indifferent about it. People are going to get fucked up, and I never enjoyed being in that situation. Sean, Jarred, and Jasmine will all be with their respective dates. And even after, Sean is going to get fucked up, probably with Jarred, and I would just have to babysit him anyway. Jasmine is just going to do what everyone else who hopes to get serious at Prom will do, and that's have sex. I'll just do nothing. I think I'll go and sit on the beach, and write the letter to Amanda I've been meaning to get to. Just think, or do something productive. Times like this, it just seems like I don't have any friends. but would it be a big improvement if I just went? Hardly. I just have a lot of friends that are just, I don't know, bad. I'll be fine staying home. Lastly, I have a scholarship competition tomorrow. It would help so much, but for some reason, I feel like my destiny is not to get this scholarship. As much as I want it, as much as I need it, as much as I could actually earn it, something tells me I'm going to get screwed over, again. I just want, to go, because quite often, I feel like this isn't where I'm supposed to be. 15 weeks to go. Bang, Bang!

A Struggle Towards the Finish [14 Apr 2006|10:34pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | *Time of Your Song*~ Matisyahu ] I really love this song. It's just so calm and beautiful, and just kind of cheers you up and tells you that everything will be allright. I hate listening to optimistic songs when I'm in a sad mood, because they usually work, and I like to keep the cloudy mood going with a sad song. This song is about as far away from the cloudy spectrum as songs get. I mean c'mon, the song starts with "Smiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiile". But it still doesn't change the fact that I am unhappy. Sad. Cheerless. Unlike Felipe-esque. I'm cold. It was like 80 degrees and cloudless yesterday. You never would of guessed it would be rainy and windy 24 hours later. But it was. I hope this isn't turning into a trend. Because this 'funk' I'm in happened last year. It seems like it always happens after spring break, things start going downhill. Last year I broke up with Crystal around this time (April 21st in fact. I hate how I still remember that.) Then came the list of failures. Rejected from Journalism camp. Rejected from ASB. Lost the election for Historian. SAT scores below expectations. 2 on the AP english exam. Just 2 As on my report card. Its funny because when I got my Miami letter in mid-December, I thought everything would go smooth for the rest of the year. Nothing left to worry about. But now its mid-April, and there are still voids, at least right now. I don't expect these bouts of sadness to last long. They're common to everyone, and they actually probably occur more often in others. But I just wish they didn't have to happen to anyone. I'm still fasting on Fridays. And I've truly hated it. I mean, I can do it without cheating, but its quite hard. So many temptations. But today's Good Friday, so luckily its the last time I'll do it for a long time, seeing as Sunday is Easter, and the end of Lent. "Tell me what's wrong, Felipe?" I don't even really have anyone to tell what's wrong. Seems like as of right now, there's nobody to listen to what I have to say. Sean has been a good friend about it. Amanda always is. And Mr. Jones is easily the best social teacher I've ever had. I can tell him anything. But I just wish I had a person, here with me, to tell everything good and bad that's going on. I don't think I've had that in a long time. And me and Jasmine used to be on such good terms with each other. I mean, I didn't tell her everything, because she wouldn't comprehend it the way I would want her to, but she would still listen for the most part. But me and Jasmine currently aren't talking. We havent' spoken in a full week, which wasn't hard at all, but things would be a lot better if we were talking. The Inquisition would be all happy and having fun, and I probably wouldn't be so sad, but because we're not talking, its not. Usually I will admit when I'm wrong, or if I'm doing something to cause to friendship/reltaionship to fester. And maybe I am, but I honestly don't see what I am doing wrong. Here's how it happened. the way I act? then if we are going off of how weve been acting lately, then id say that you shouldn't even be my friend on myspace. and you do the same. but i look past that because i realize that you and sean are the best friends i have. and i look past things i dislike about you guys and how you treat me sometimes because i know regardless that i love you guys so much and that how i feel about you isn't going to change because of a bad day or some bad habits. ive known how you act for as long as youve been my friend, and even as long as youve been acting different to me, but you are still my best friend. maybe its just me. and its easier for me to tell you this than it is for you to understand it. ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: MightNotBeSuchABadIdeaIfINever,NeverWentHomeAgain Date: Apr 6, 2006 10:29 PM It's a trend. You should be number one in mine and sean's myspace, eyes, and hearts. But you're not. At least not right now. I love you, but there's just some things you do, some traits and qualities you have, the way you act sometimes... that just pushes me away from you. And I don't know if you're aware of it or not, and that may be the worst part. I don't want this to happen, but can I control it? ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: austins love Date: Apr 6, 2006 8:21 PM ew. why am i downgraded? im starting to hate you. I had been feeling detached from Jasmine last Friday, and a few days leading up to it. Its the same problem it usually is, her not being a good friend, and seemingly caring more about her boyfriend then her true friends. She had been doing things I hate in people. Maybe I am jealous of her and Austin, but like I mentioned for, if it wasn't for the sex, I don't know if they would be the couple they are. I mean, people could be in love with each other and still be cool with their friends. Johnny and Stacy do it, in fact, I like when Stacy is hanging out with us when Johnny is there, there just so nice together. And Milly and Jarred do it to, theyre not making out with each other (let alone fucking in the room while theyre friends are still there). But after awhile I learned to tolerate that jasmine and austin would do that. I mean, they are a young couple, and I guess Jasmine really does like him. But she's like, dictating his future now. She got into UCSD, and amazing acheivement, but now she's deciding that Austin is gonna transfer there after 2 years AVC? Austin wants to be a cop, not quite a college career. I hate people who live in the past. Enjoy college! Stop worrying about high school matters that happened before! And whenever Austin isn't with her, she always wants me and Sean to come over. She can't stand being by herself. Which made me think. Are all girls like that? Amanda told me she hates being alone too, that's why she always needs to have a boyfriend, to make her feel loved. And I don't like being by myself either, but I don't need people around me constantly to make me feel wanted. Sometimes I just need to be alone. Jasmine comes off as a generally selfish person, always worrying about her needs first. And even when I am with her, I can't help but think she would rather spend time with Austin. She's not being a good friend at all. Between me Sean and Jasmine, about 60% of the arguments are between Sean and Jasmine, and 40% are between me and Jasmine. Maybe it's a girl thing. Me and Sean never have arguments, so it must be something with Jasmine, right? I just wish I knew how she thought. I don't think she's getting what's wrong. Maybe I'm not getting it either. I just wish some girl can answer my question why she has to be acting like this. I'm happy as fuck that I'll be leaving in 4 more months, but it still would be nice to leave on a good note. The other issue is Prom stuff. It's stressing me out, and this time of year shouldn't be stressful! It should be a joyous time, getting towards tyhe end of the year, all the fun should be happening! But its not. 2 weeks until Prom, and I don't have a tux, let alone a date. I'm seriously thinking about not going. Plan A: Was stopped way back, in like January. Vanessa had been my number one option, but it was always blurry whether she had a date or not. She pretty much did, but even in February I thought I had a shot. But ultimately, I concluded that I wouldn't be going with her. Oh well, I mean she is usually cool, but she's usually not too. Plan B: Now that I thinm about, Plan B was given to me, right in my lap. Dominique asked me. But I already had been contemplating my Other plan B (now Plan C), and I declined her, seeing as I don't think I'd be a good date. It would just be another Ashley Mayfield (which ironically, Sean is going with to Prom). Plus, she wouldn't mesh as well with the group I was going with it. Plan C: Of all my plans, Plan C was really the only heartfelt one. Friday I decided I would ask Paige. Monday, I'll do it, for sure. Sean said that maybe this other guy would be asking her, but he didn't think he would. Monday came, and I bought flowers, and wrote a poem. And during 3rd period, it would happen. Well it didn't. Sean came out after 2nd and delivered me the bad news. Sure enough, the guy asked her (via text message! bullshit!). I felt bad about wasting $10 on flowers, but I felt worse that I didn't have a date. Plan D: Let's just say that Vanessa tried to set me up with her best friend Kelsey, but once again, I didn't have the opportunity to ask. So now I'm on Plan E, which wouldn't be so bad if Prom wasn't so close. I'm seriously considering not going, I';m just so out of it. Spend $200 on a tux and other Prom related things, when I'm really not that excited about it. I know its my senior Prom, but what's the point? Everyone appears to have a date. Sean has Ashley. Jarred has Milly. Jasmine has Austin. I enjoy being different from everyone else, being an outsider. But not in this situation. I'm thinking about just filling my gas tank up, and driving up the 101 to San Francisco, or wherever I decide to go that day. Just go on a solo road trip, just reflect on my life to this point, and look toward the future. That's sounds a lot appealing right now, even for a outgoing guy like me. Florida sounds so beautiful right now. But then again, so would Montana, Vermont, Vancouver, even Kosovo. A place as far away as this stupid place with little meaning. Bang, Bang!

Champagne for my Real Friends. I'm out of Champagne. [03 Mar 2006|10:19pm] [ mood | hungry ] [ music | *Crab*~ Weezer ] Agh. I'm really feeling it, the pressure of senior year. But some stuff bothers me more than others. Lent started on Wednesday. Since I forgot to give up something, I decided to follow the 'rules' of Lent, by fasting on Fridays. Every Friday, no food. And today I slipped, just a little. 3 Hershey's Chocolate Squares, 2 Skittles off the floor (they were Red and Purple, my favorite flavors) and a handful of peanuts. But my stomach can't tell the difference, seeing as its really hungry right now. 1 hours, 36 minutes until my fast is over. I have never given so little efoort in class, its ridiculous. I think I can honestly say out of my 6 classes, I'm putting effort into about, I'll say 3 of them. 100% effort in Speech (because I love that class), 75% in Civics, 67% in Theory of Knowledge, and 58% in English. Journalism? Maybe, 20%. And Stats? Eh, 10%. Max. Its not even hard, there really just is no incentive. But this manifesto is not to complain about school, or classes. I've always knows myself to be a thinker, using a lot of rhetoric, intellect, reasoning, and thought in all the things I think about. Although I am surely not the smartest of the people, I have power of thought that is unparalleled by mos people, and I wish more people knew that about me. I always tell people the truth, and give them the realest Felipe they can get, but nobody knows everything. I don't think. My friends, for the most part, are legit. I love being around them, what's so wrong in that? It's just a lot of their actions and qualities and traits and things like that leave me craving for more. I have to talk about Jasmine. I'm pretty sure I might repreat a lot of what I've said about her before, but just, I've learned a lot about her the last month that gave me a lot of insight regarding the person she really is. It's mostly just the decisions she'll make, it blows my fucking mind. 1 hour and 22 minutes until I can eat. The night of the last update I posted, actually, while I was typing it, something happened that, enlightened me. I had to talk to Amanda about it the next day: RaindropsNPanama (12:21:18 AM): ive got a real personal question for you though... if youre willing to answer it GuysNTightPantss (12:21:22 AM): okay RaindropsNPanama (12:21:57 AM): how long were you and shawn going out before you had sex? GuysNTightPantss (12:22:02 AM): a month RaindropsNPanama (12:22:12 AM): okay GuysNTightPantss (12:22:14 AM): why? RaindropsNPanama (12:22:20 AM): i expected something like that RaindropsNPanama (12:22:29 AM): okay, i guess theres a story behind it RaindropsNPanama (12:23:43 AM): so i was over at jasmines house yesterday (yes, i knwo you two arent fans of each other, but dont let your prejudgments get in the way of this argument)... so me and all my friends are all there, chilling out like always, me sean, jarred, jarreds gf, jasmines bf etc... RaindropsNPanama (12:24:45 AM): and sean jasmine and austin (seans bf) get back from the blockbuster to rent movies, and they put in boogie nights (irrelevant) RaindropsNPanama (12:25:26 AM): and im on the computer not really watching updating my blurty, when the dvd player keeps skipping, and everyone is all pissed seeing as we cant watch the movie now GuysNTightPantss (12:25:38 AM): lol RaindropsNPanama (12:26:37 AM): anyway, austin and jasmine go to jasmines room, and me, sean, jarred, jarreds gf, jessica (jasmines sister) and justin (jessicas special friend) decide to watch king of the hill, which justin brought, all while im still on the computer RaindropsNPanama (12:26:54 AM): its like, 7:15 at this time, and i was ready to leave anyway RaindropsNPanama (12:28:02 AM): well earlier me and sean had a discussion over if we think jasmine and austin were gonna have sex anytime soon, and we ultimately decided she would, seeing as theyve only been going out for 6 days, and jasmine ready to start her period soon RaindropsNPanama (12:28:57 AM): well after i finsih updating, i decide to check on jasmines room (which is closed) to hear for any noises, or something... RaindropsNPanama (12:29:22 AM): and this is whats giving me the frickin' willies... i hear jasmine. RaindropsNPanama (12:30:05 AM): pleasured moaning, and it just fucking blows my mind, and i just give sean the internation hand motion for fucking and then i leave, with a hell of a lot on my mind RaindropsNPanama (12:30:22 AM): and thats what kind of tripped me out yesterday RaindropsNPanama (12:30:33 AM): your response? GuysNTightPantss (12:31:41 AM): thats like sooon GuysNTightPantss (12:31:43 AM): though you know? GuysNTightPantss (12:31:44 AM): soooon RaindropsNPanama (12:31:55 AM): yeah, thats what blew my fucking mind RaindropsNPanama (12:32:27 AM): im a love advocate, and thats way too soon for anything to 'happen' at least for me anyway RaindropsNPanama (12:33:27 AM): see, a month makes more sense to me, kind of made me think a little lower of her, y'know? I really just don't understand it. I mean, I knew she wasn't a virgin, but I guess I really needed to experience it to really find out. It just really bothers me that someone so smart (and thus, makes good judgement?) could just fuck someone like that after 6 days. Perhaps it's because I'm still a virgin, and I really don't know how strong the craving for sex is until I've had it, but I just can't see how you can have sex with someone without loving them first? Perhaps she does love him, surely not in love with him, at least I don't think so. Austin definitely doesn't come off as that sort of guy. Its weird, because I think Austin, as an individual, is 'one of the guys'. Someone I would hang out with and get along with, and in fact, I do. And I know opposites attract (supposedly) but Austin dating my good friend doesn't really match up well with me. I guess it doesn't matter whether they enjoy the same things (Jasmine, an AE afficionado, Austin, wears a lot of white boy clothes, i.e. Metal Mulisha black tees) as long as their hearts are on the same wavelength. And perhaps theyre hearts are on the same wavelength, but it just seems that its expected of a guy like Austin, and not someone as intelligent as Jasmine. I guess I always associated intelligence with good decision making. And maybe it is a good decision in her mind, but I can't help see it as not a relationship, but fuck buddies with the boyfriend girlfriend label attached to it. If they're still together when the school year is still over, then maybe I can be more at peace with myself, and just think that they like to start things off fast. But I don't know. There's probably something wrong with me. I have no shame in being a virgin, but sometimes, I wish I wasn't. Like maybe there's some wisdom you get with the first time you have sex, like you know more about certain things. But I've said this a million times, but my friends don't have sex to make love, they have sex to fuck. And I'm not one of those radical right-wing Ultraconservatives who believes that you should wait until marriage to have sex, because the first person we fall in love isn't always the first one we marry. And sometimes, the one we marry we don't really love. But it just seems like having sex should be a little more than doing it for mind-blowing pleasure. Nobody makes love anymore. It's an overgeneralization, but to me, it just seems like that's how World runs. Now Sean. Sean, strangely, I have a little more respect for, at least lately. The thing is, his mind is usually focused on sex even more than Jasmine. Recently he told me about him making moves on the sophomore Linda I mentioned before, when he had a revelation that there was no point. Linda was too easy, and Sean came to the conclusion that there really isn't any girls actually worth working for in Palmdale. And I was pretty proud of Sean for that, although he doesn't really know it. But despite seeing Sean having a few brief flashes of brilliance, I just don't see Sean as one who gets it. Vanessa. Oh, Vee... I don't even really see her as a friend 90% of the time. I know what Vanessa is like, she's a real person who a lot of times hates the image she is. Being popular, chasing cute boys with no substance, and having fake friends. But despite all of it, she just could never see a life without the issues that come with a Abercrombie pretty fake people lifestyle, and for that I just can't tolerate her. She seems so self-absorbed most of the time, more concerned about her problems. Vanessa is a smart girl too, and although she'll 'play' a lot of guys, I still give her a lot of respect for managing to keep hold of her morals throughout all the bullshit she goes through. And I know she has it in her, she's smart like Jasmine is too, but unless she makes some kind of change when she goes to college, I will always see her as just a fake person. I hate to see people like that. 51 minutes until my fast ends. And I'm not gonna lie, I'm gonna miss my friends when I'm gone. I'm gonna cry, and I'm gonna be glad Jasmine spends some of her summer here to spend time with us, I'm gonna miss a lot of things about them. But when I'm in college, that's when it will be just a figment of my yearbook and my memory. Once I start a new chapter in my life, its all gonna be past me. I honestly don't think I will miss them all that much once I'm a college freshman. I'll keep in contact with them, but I'll much more be concerned with making new Miami friends, then dwelling on my Palmdale friends. I feel like a bad friend saying all of this. Usually I don't care that no one reads this, but sometimes I wish someone close to me would tell if they thought this entry is a reflection of me being a bad friend. 44 minutes until my fast is over. And a little under 6 months until I found out if there are any people left in the world worthy of keeping as a friend. 1 Shot Me Down// Bang, Bang!

Another Manifesto [10 Feb 2006|06:59pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | *7 Minutes in Heaven*~ Fall Out Boy ] And as I type, confident then someone is reading this over my shoulder, I have another revelation. But first, what a dumper of a week. It's not really one of those weeks where one or a few thingsw are generally bad, but more like there's just a cloud over February. Not a fan of nature, Chuck Norris once killed a cloud. I love rain. Moisture. I hate clouds. Its just been a generally awful week, I'm blaming this damn extended essay I should being doing. I have to do this shit, or I'm pretty sure I'm not graduating. Or something like that. I don't know how the IB requirements work. I've gotten about 200 words out of the 3000-3500 or so words I have to do. I blame Amanda. Tuesday I was set to start, but then she says she has an essay to do. Her as a good a procrastinator as I, didn't start. I ultimately decided, what's good enough for my Starfish, is good enough for me. But hell at least I started. So I've been putting a lot of thought into this college thing, more social then academic, unfortunately (I can worry about that shit later.) And I'm wondering how I'm gonna do this. I really got to talk to James about the roommate thing. James is really gonna have an impact on the beginning adult years of Felipe. I'm hoping the smooth, good-with-the-ladies traits that James has will rub off on me, I've been acting to frickin' stupid as a senior. I mean I've had a lot of fun, but I think in college I'll have fun while being mature and adult-like. There's a time for everything. Its called college~ Chef I'm gonna have to complete this later. Entries just aren't the same away from home. Bang, Bang!

Money and Blood [07 Feb 2006|08:22pm] [ mood | satisfied ] [ music | *Always*~ Blink 182 ] I'm considering making this journal public. The whole thing. There's been so many instances where I thought dag, I wish someone could read this and maybe I'm gonna present that opportunity to everyone. I'm not gonna lie, every time I read old entries, I think 'damn, what faggot wrote this shit?' but typing these entries without anyone really seeing them, would be like Wolfgang Puck never letting anyone try his food. I love this song. Whoever my next girlfriend is gonna be, this is going to be our song. Hate it or love it. I hated today. Well. Most of it. It was pretty much two different days, during school, and everything after school. And I noticed, when I'm in a cheerless mood, it brings everyone else down. 4th period I'm usually the happy, silly, 'wanna hear a story?' Felipe, but today I was just a stick in the mud. And it really made Dominique and Rachel all sad. Well, not so much Rachel, she's pretty damn mean for a sophomore. This day, this week, is just going by so slow. What's up with Tuesdays? I'm not kidding, this is like the 3rd worst Tuesday in a row. I hate seeing people depressed, sad, unwell... and knowing there's probably nothing I could do to help them. I don't know why I've been so sad lately. There's nothing for me to be sad about. I'm going to a great university, i'm in good health, have many people that care about me very much. I think I'm just in a funk. Well it wasn't all bad today. I did two good deeds (or more like one good, and one evil converted to a good). It always feels nice knowing I helped someone out. First, I was in speech class today, and as I was ready to take my seat, one of the girls in my class who's quiet but sweet, pointed out that I dropped my money. So I look between my seat and one of the metal poles and notice a bundle of ones just sitting there. I say 'oh yeah, thanks.' But I'm thinking 'sweet pick-up!' I counted it out, 4 dollars. But then I go back and think, 'you know, Flip, you didn't find this money.' After much pondering, I split the stash with the girl who found it. I mean, if you look at it, I shouldn't have kept any of it, seeing as I didn't find it. But if fate wanted me to have 4 dollars, I was gonna take it. I think splitting the pot was fair. And I also gave blood. Although I do give blood to help out the people who need it, its kind of a thrill. I don't understand why more people don't donate, it truly doesn't hurt. The most pain was when the lady ripped some hairs off my arm after taping the blood tube to my arm. Some people are also just too lazy to give blood. 'Oooohh, I wish I could... But I gotta respond to this MySpace bulletin... yeahhh, sorry!' Whatever. Like I was saying, after school let out, the day seemed to shift in my favor, although nothing really good happened. I put 90 bucks in the bank. I wish I would of saved more money when I was younger, instead of buying Gumby and Pokey toys for $9 bucks that I lost anyway. The highlight of my day was leaving the blood drive, and me being a socialite, talking with the two ASB girls at the table. I forgot what I said, probably something silly, but as I left, the one whose name I dont remember goes: 'We love you, Felipe!' I'm not gonna try and misinterpret what she said. But it seemed she like knew I had a crappy day, and said that so it made me feel appreciated. Whether she meant it or not, it did make me feel wanted. Some people throw the word love on impulse, while others use it very gingerly. And it all can be interpreted it different ways. I'm pretty sure the way she said it meant: 'It's good to have you around, Flip.' Its people like that that keep me going. Bang, Bang!

Looking for my Niche [06 Feb 2006|10:00pm] [ mood | discontent ] [ music | The Full House where everyone hugs and is sad. ] I think discontent is a perfect mood for me right now. One. I got a 14 page essay due on St. Valentine's Day. It was assigned almost 4 months ago. I have yet to start. Two. I have the poorest eating habits. I always wake up in the middle of the night and eat. I then having stomach pains during the school day, resulting in unconmfortable bowel movements. Something best not to be discussed. I hate a lot of things about my body, my hair, my teeth, and mostly my stomach, more my inside then my outside. And lastly, my friends have made me just question everything possible. Ugh. This is gonna be a manifesto on friends if you care. I've been noticing where I stand as far as people, friends, and acquaintances are concerned. I've determined that I am the crossroads of everyone's friendship. If I know you, I probably get along with you well. Going through my head, there are very few people that I don't get along with. I don't really have any enemies, just people I don't talk to. But since I am the crossroads of friendships, it means people that I am friends with are on opposite sides of friendship. And its sort of a punishment to me for getting along well with people. I can name one person from each clique at school that I am friends with. But of course, those people will have conflicting interests with each other. Usually I hate people that remind me of myself, but in this instance, some people need to act more like me. I hate when what I'm writing doesn't come out the way intended. I'm one of the best and most creative writers I know, and it sucks when its just like, ass writings. College stops this shit at the door. Jasmine never really liked Amanda and vice versa. Jasmine doesn't like Chris. Chris doesn't like Robert. A lot of people don't like Alan. And friends think other friends of mine are weird. Just, why? Fuck. Spanish. Inaudible. I don't understand what the hell I'm talking abou... I'm dumb. I hate how I don't have deep friends anymore. I have Amanda. She is my only deep friend. A friend is someone you do things with. A true friend is someone you just know so well, and someone you can talk tell anything to. A deep friend is one you actually do tell anything to, because you don't worry about the response. I have plenty of true friends. Wayne, James, Jasmine, Sean, Chris... They all are real people. I love them. but it seems like I can never tell what's really going on in my mind to anyone. Not even Amanda so much anymore. I know I can, I just don't. So who do I got? I usually tell my sister what's up. And I've even had some real conversation with Mr. Jones on occasion. But I really have no one to tell everything to. Maybe thats why I will just be completely down sometimes, because I'm a person who overthinks and has no one to tell those thoughts too. I suppose I'll release my thoughts now. Jasmine is frickin' cool. Unlike anyone I've met, she's funny, intelligent, attractive, and probably the most fun I've ever had with a girl in life. We've cuddled every now and then, but nothing that could lead to something else. I just like clutching a girl's body, it feels nice. And despite what a lot of people thought, we were never going out or even considering it. A cuddle buddy, no more. Jasmine is also a friend that you usually get along well with, granted you don't do anything to drastic to piss her off. But one thing I've always hated is people that don't get it. And as intelligent is she is, a lot of times I don't think she gets it. At all. We get in friendly little disputes, and it seems like I can potentially be easily disposed as a friend over something stupid. Just 'okay, don't need you anymore'. And even though I would never attempt to lose her as a friend, I jsut don't like the way she acts sometimes. She has a boyfriend now, Austin, a guy I generally like, and now that she's with him, I think I can temporarily be eliminated from the equation. Damn it, I want my friend. I wish I always had someone to cuddle with, as lame as it sounds. Sean is equally fucking awesome, but what the hell, who goes through girls like that? He's is pursuing a girl, Linda, a sophomore, for one main reason. He wants some. It doesn't bother me, because I know how he is, and Linda is hella stupid and will let him. But its like, does nobody want a relationship anymore? Maybe its the old school in me, but I don't understand why people just get together to 'fuck' anymore. I've said this before, I'm not the ultra-Conservative no sex before marriage kind of kid. Pre-marital sex is fine, it doesn't really matter to me. But its like, no one makes love anymore. People fuck. I'm hoping this reasoning and logic gets me a beautiful girlfriend with a brain and mind that thinks for herself. I wish I could talk to my friends like I talk to myself. I am the last of dying breed. I'm stupid, I admit, but there is so many more fucking retards out there outside of me. I'm supposed to speak the truth, and yet I can't even freely tell people what I'm thinking. 1 Shot Me Down// Bang, Bang!

3 Months Worth of Thought [30 Jan 2006|11:40pm] [ mood | uncomfortable ] [ music | The Colbert Report ] Ugh. Okay, this journal has been fledgling ever since... okay now that I look at it, 2005 has been this journal's hiatus and 2006 has been slow. I mean this is the first entry I've posted in nearly 3 months (to the date.) But in my ongoing quest to 'bring the real' I was restless at about 11:15PM tonight, trying to sleep, and the big thinker that I am, I just couldn't allow my mind to be clear of thought so I could get some sleep, so I decided to empty the 3 months worth of thought and be at peace with my mind. Well before I completely refresh myself, I guess I better go over highlights of the last 3 months. College apps went by fairly smoothly, but it was only because I only needed to apply to 3 schools. Miami, San Diego State, and Marquette (which was free which is why I applied). I only needed to apply to 3 because I got into my first choice school. And its always feels good to say this, but I got into the University of Miami. And more importantly, I am going to the University of Miami. Its set, I've already paid my deposit, and the next step is paying for housing. It really feels great knowing I have a future. And Miami is a difficult school to get into. 18,000+ apply, of those around 7,500 to 8,000 get accepted, and of those, around 2,000 enroll. 1 of 2000 in the United States of America, it makes me feel special and important. I got my letter mid- December, but unfortunately, realities are sinking in, and the novelty effect has lost its potency. Its always great to remind myself where I'm headed (c'mon, it is Miami, Florida.) but now I got to be a grown up now. What sucks is that with my acceptance comes a whole new set of, not really problems, but issues, and situations. One. Every school year, when his students begin to get letters of acceptance in winter and spring, he records them on his 'Wall of Achievement' which is really just the right side of the white board. I was the very first person on that list, with my acceptance the week before our 3 week vacation. So I felt proud that I was up there, but I wanted all my friends to hurry up and get in too. Its the end of January, and the list has about 30+ schools, and 50-60 names/ students, but I know the majority of the people who applied still haven't got letters yet. And that makes me sad. Well not as much everyone who hasn't gotten at least one letter, just a few people. Nicole Roberts is a good friend of mind, she's intelligent, classy, beautiful, and overall just a well-rounded kind person. You could say I have a crush on her, its cool. But I know this girl has a passion to go to Pepperdine, and I just want her to hurry up and get in. I don't think anybody is more deserving to get into a paramount college like Pepperdine, and if there's one person who I hope would get into their first choice school, its Nicole. There's a lot of assholes in the world, and I wish more good things would happen to the select few that make the world more tolerable to function in. Two. I'm not going to Miami alone. Which I love. I mean, its not a surprise to have 2 people go to the same school. Dozens of people go to the community college over here, its not uncommon. Mr. Jones has about 10 people on his Wall already getting accepted into Cal Stae Northridge. And you can surely bet when the UC schools start sending replies back, there will be at least a dozen or so going to UC Snata Barbara. But 2 people, 2 close friends to be exact, both going to a private university on the other coastline? That's pretty amazing if you think about it. Around 300 students from California enroll at the University of Miami each year, and 2 are from the same school. I barely met James Kennedy this year. I knew about before, knew he was the only black guy in the IB program. I even road in his car to the mall at Zahra's birthday party without even knowing it back in April. But this year we just ironically had the same exact schedule. And if I hadn't changed from Senior Seminar to Theory of Knowledge, back in October, we'd still have all 6 of our classes together. So basically we we're destined to be friends. And you know what? James is a fucking cool guy. I like to think of him as the black version of me. With better pimp game. And since we're both going to Miami, we are certainly going to be even better friends. I mean, you sure as hell need a buddy when your 2800 miles away from your friends and family in Southern California. The issue being brought up is roommates. As of now, I am pretty sure me and James should room together at Miami. But there is a lot of doubts. I think one problem is simply, the entirely new surroundings at Miami. I got excited of the idea of having a roommate with a completely different personality as me. And like I said, James is the black version of me, kinda. Well sometimes, I just fucking hate myself. Three. And this ties in with rooming with James. The thing I love about going to school in Florida as opposed to California, is that I get to start over. I was looking forward to erasing everything from high school and Palmdale, not from my memory (too many good memories), but from my life. College is great because you get to start all over, it doesn't matter what you did in the past. Its not where you're from, its where you're at. James would be in a sense, a little piece of Palmdale still attached to me. I know he wants to leave Palmdale behind just as much as I do, but would he still reminisce over it? You see me, I want to be Miami Felipe come August. I got my ticket out of Palmdale, and Palmdale won't be my home anymore, Coral Gables will be. SO I hope James won't being Palmdale baggage with him. Four. When college starts, I'll be starting a whole new endeavor in life. I am not gonna fuck around in college, because now there's a big motivation, a career. I did fairly mediocre in high school for the most part, and it got me into a Top 50 (okay, 52) National University. Do mediocre in college? Uhh... a mediocre job, and uncertainty. See now, I'm certain about my future. And by future I mean my next 4-5 years. But once those years are up what's next? I think the only predictor of that is how I perform in those college years. I'll be in Miami, so there'll be plenty of time to have fun and do adult things. But I got to secure a future, so that means strictly business in college. Five. Speaking of my career, I'm going to the University of Miami, with the intent to major in Broadcast Journalism. The School of Communication also asks you to pick an additional major in the College of Arts in Sciences to be more competitive in the work force. And since I've been really interested in politics and government, I'm considering also majoring in Political Science. But what scares the hell out of me is what's out there for those looking to be broadcast journalism majors. With a major in political science, I would love something like the shows they have on news channel, like MSNBC and CNN. Ideally, I would love to anchor a show like Countdown with Keith Olbermann, Anderson Cooper 360, or hardball with Chris Matthews. But how many people are going to compete with me for a one-in-a-million job like that? I know I would have an upper hand because I got a dynamic personality with intelligence and 'truth'. But how many more people out there are gonna be going after what I want? And be better at it? I can control how great I want to be, it's everyone else that worries me. Those are just the college thoughts that have planted seeds in my mind. I mean don't get me wrong, I am counting down the months, weeks, days until I'll be gone, but there really is so much more going on right now. I remember when I first starting keeping entries back in 2003, I would complain about 'not having a life' and the only things I would have to worry about is my summer work, and the next basketball game. Times sure have changed. Even though I do a lot more things now then I did back as a sophomore, there are still times when I don't think I have a life. But I know for a fact I'm having more fun now then I used to. However, even when I'm having a life it doesn't mean I'm completely complete with myself. Well, I think I've gotten enough thoughts out of me to get me to sleep for the night, with less restlessness then before. But I am definitely not finished. There's my friends (Sean and Jasmine) that I got to talk about, the way I don't really have anyone to confide in anymore, and the theme that's never lost steam since I started this: girls and relationships. There's so much more I've got to say, and I hope I don't wait until March to contine to tell it all. Are there anymore real people out there? Bang, Bang!

Let's Be Real [30 Oct 2005|08:26pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | *M.I.A.*~ Bucky Done ] One thing I've always enjoyed about myself, is that I've always tried to be as real as possible. Well I'm gonna be real right now. As far as college is concerned, I'm not going accepted into a college I'm really excited about. I'm not getting into U of Miami. I'm not getting into Pepperdine. I'm not getting into Syracuse. I might get into Gonzaga, but then my parents will think its too far and too expensive. I will probably get into Arizona but my parents will think I can get the same education closer. So I'll probably end up getting into San Diego State, with its 28,000 students, and fight to get into my classes. And then I'll be just like everybody else. But fuck man, I don't want to be like everybody else! Everybody else is going to Cal State or UC with its 20,000+ students. Miami and Syracuse have just a little over 10,000. Gonzaga, 4,100. And Pepperdine barely 3,200. I want the teacher to actually communicate with me. Last year, Mr. Jones had on the whiteboard all the colleges that all the students he had apply get accepted into. Some of the far off schools (mostly ones that the Affirmative Action Jarell got into) included Syracuse, Darthmouth, and Duke had only one name next to it. Uc Santa Barbara, and Cal State Long Beach had like 8 names next to it. I'm not gonna be the only kid attending his college. And I fucking hate that. I've already spent 67 dollars and 90 cents just to apply to Miami. Bang, Bang!

Excuse me? [12 Oct 2005|05:31pm] [ mood | worried ] [ music | *Gone*~ Kanye West ] Heh. I remember Blurty. Everythang is going well right now, except for one thing. College applications. I feel like I'm running out of time. I wish colleges would just like, draft students into their school, and make it easy. Writing applications is tough stuff. And I'm barely on my first one. And I'll probably be doing this for the next 3 or 4 months. I need to, um, get it on. I haven't had a real update in about 2 weeks. And a lot has been going on. I'm working on my second article. Its (It's?) about fights. I've been slacking a little, only about a quarter of my article is finished, but thats the luxury of being the opinion editor, I basically don't need to turn it in until I want to, as long as its before the paper goes to press. I know its gonna be great again, but I just have to, write it. I think I've been turning into a dictator into that class. I honestly think I am the shit since I put out one dope article. And in a way, I am. But also, sometimes you just gotta be humble about it. But that class is fun. I love the power! I have 5 people writing for me, and its great. I decide what's crisp and what's trash. I think its fitting that I have the 3rd best grade and Mr. Salazar's class, when I give around, 3% in that class. I damn well know I should have a 70.1% in that class, not 88.8%. Girls situation! Do I really have time for them? Do I really need one? I don't think so. But I kinda want one. Shit, Felipe, they're not toys. I'm wondering if my grades would of been better second semester had I not had a girlfriend. But there's so much potential out there! I think the most pathetic I've been was last Thursday, when I was going crazy over this one girl who had a boyfriend. (It has since diminished into a small afterthought.) But Gerry gave me a good talk about that. He says I have the game, and even if she has a boyfriend it shouldn't be an obstacle. Casually bump into her, get her to notice you. And then Jasmine intervened, saying you'll just break up when you go to college anyway, you don't need one. You'll have plenty of opportunities for honeys in college anyway. But I don't know what it is, I just love companionship. And I don't think that list is going to shrink anytime soon. And I'm not focusing on any one girl either. What the fuck man, I'm too smart for this. This is occupying too much space in my head, which could be going to more educated things. But that's too bad though. I have two of the prettiest flowers in my garden right now and I wish I could give them to someone. My cousins. I worry about them. Out of all them, one of them might grow up to be a celebrity. And the rest will probably turn out to be failures. I hope I'm wrong, but they're shooting for unrealistic dreams. Their parents think they got what it takes to be a star, but honestly, how many celebrities are coming out of the Inland Empire? And my older ones are on the pathway to shitdom. Its funny how theyre all younger than me, but they're drinking and smoking weed and all that shit. So much for me being a role model. This was a piece of shit. Bang, Bang!

Mass Printed volume 1 [04 Oct 2005|10:54pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | *1661*~ 538:91 48 ] This is my first article, printed in about 4,000 different school newspaper. Are you that surprised I would write something like this? And not to toot my own horn, but this is basically all anyone mentioned in the paper the last few days. Ladies and gentlemen, Highland's finest. Common Sense vs. Common Sex By: Felipe A. Yanez Opinion Editor As we and our peers have experienced before, teenagers today are faced with an onslaught of tough decisions. These aren’t the same judgment calls our parents had to make when they were teens, with their biggest decision being what to name their pet rock. Today’s teens are faced with everything from ‘helping’ their friends on a test via text message, to sippin’ Bacardi at Ray Ray’s party. However, as much as parents and adults would like to believe it doesn’t occur, many teenagers are sexually active these days, making the decision to have sex or to remain celibate an important decision in a teenager’s life. The older teenagers become, the harder it is for them to remain chaste. Most people would agree that any person who is still a virgin after thirty or forty years either gives sermons at church, or spends their spare time playing Starcraft and Magic the Gathering in their basement. Our sex-driven society teaches us that forty-year old virgins are an oddity, and they are either the objects of ‘experiments’ assisted by their more lustful friends, or just plain ridiculed. Perhaps people that have this opinion probably shouldn’t be having sex anyway because they would just be procreating more ignorance. In the broadest terms, the decision to have sex is really a yes or no answer: should I give it up, or wait? But as is customary in high school, peer pressure plays a potent factor, with most kids opting to listen to their friends as opposed to their parents. That factor is elevated especially in males, where ‘getting some’ is a sign of respect. I know personally, my friends have gibed at me countless times because my sex résumé is spotless, but for myself and many others, sex is something that should be taken a little more seriously, rather than a contest among competitive males to see who can deflower the most girls. If your basis for having sex is just so you can boast about it, or to get credibility from your friends, you should really think about who has respect for you. Sure your friends might give you props, but those are the same friends who’ll be serving me my meal at the Arby’s drive-thru after high school to support their unwanted child. Ultimately, all adolescents will have their own stances regarding sex. Perhaps sex is a major issue for some youth, and for others it might not even cross their mind. Whether one is chaste based on religious belief, or if they’re just waiting for the right person, their peers need to realize that everyone is different, and not everybody is driven by sex, and thus, they should respect their motives. The bottom line is, remaining a virgin shouldn’t be a badge of shame. Whether you’re sexually active or contemplating giving it up, just use common sense, don’t let others influence you, and know that your decision is the deciding factor. Listen to what’s inside of you, not who’s inside of you. 1 Shot Me Down// Bang, Bang!

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