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sincerely yours forever

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(Let me die happy)

[26 Jul 2004|11:20pm]
Dear You,

I looked for you at the pool tonight.
No show.
I thought this would be my chance, but i guess not.

Maybe I'm not meant to have a chance.
Maybe life doesn't have it in the card for us.
Maybe we're just not supposed to be friends. Ever.

And that's too bad, because I'd really like to.

Do you know how hard it is to want everything and nothing at the same exact time?
I waste too much time on you.
But I can't help it.



I don't know why this has impacted me so much.
I just don't know.

Well, maybe I do.

The thing is, I guess, I've tricked myself into thinking I'm made for you. I seriously thought and sweared to myself I was going to marry you. To die with you. In your arms and no body elses. And I'm having a harder time convincing myself it's not true.

I just refuse to believe it. Even now.

I don't want to let all of what we had just go. We had everything at a point. We were so fucking happy. And now I just cant believe we are not even friends.

Because I can recall one moment in time, even if it was for only that minute when I lay on your bed watching you cry, we were one. One person. One soul. One heart.

I remember. And you might deny it, but you know it. We were one.

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

I still can't put your picture in a shoe box next to alec's.
I still can't stop writing these letters to you.
I still can't stop looking down your block when I drive past it.

And I dont intend to anytime soon.

I meant it when I said forever.





Love the only broken hearted loser you'll ever need,
me**

(Let me die happy)

Yeah so I'm updating again. [25 Jul 2004|09:31pm]
[ mood | crappy ]
[ music | how things came to be (heads will roll)--mewmory of tomorrow ]

Dear you,

Yes I can tell you everything.
I want to talk to you so badly. Just be my friend? Even an aquitance. Even someone you just say hi to in the hallway and smile.

I want to ramble. It's dark. I'm alone. I miss you. It's rambling time.

But what to ramble about......just name a night/day/time. I can describe every detail. Just try me.

Hm....tonight I feel like writing about the time....how about our first make-out session? Yeah. Sounds good to me.

Alright well I remember it was a tuesday afternoon, and you asked me to go to a football game with you that friday. The air was fresh and smelled like falling leaves, and my heart skipped a beat.

"Yes!" I said. "I'd love to!"

"Okay awesome, you can come to my house first and then we'll go. I'll ask your mom if thats alright tomorrow."I smiled, and you leaned in for a kiss. "Bye," you whispered squeezing my hand. "See you bright and early."

That friday afternoon we walked home from school with Alec and Kevin, and before I usually have to turn down my block, Alec said:

"Alright kev, we have to give these 2 some privacy. They have to "say" good-bye." You laughed.

"Nope, not today. Today she is coming home with me." I grinned.

"Yeah right" Alec said.

"No she is, see you later!" And we walked hand in hand to your house.

When we got there I remember Richie was watching cartoons on TV. "Hey Bully!" I said to him. He rolled his eyes.

"You can sit if you want..I have to call my dad and tell him I'm going out."

"Okay." I played with Ike until you got off the phone.

"Nick--I'm going out." Richie called to you. "I'm going to the football game...and I have practice after that. Tell dad to pick me up when you get there."

"Righty-o." And your brother left with some friends. Wow. I thought to myself. I'm alone in a house with a boy. My boy. Nick. You came over to me and asked me if I wanted something to drink or eat before we left. I smiled,

"No, I'm good." You smiled back and touched my cheek.

"Smile again, I love it." And the next one came more naturally then the first. And you kissed me. It was a long kiss....a kiss that somehow wound up having us sitting on the couch. Wrapped up. I remember how amazing the closeness was. I never was that close to anyone in my life. I kept running my fingers through your hair. I loved the closeness. I absoulutey loved it.

"I can feel your heart beat." I breath. I ran my fingers over your sweatshirt.
"I can feel yours too." You replied. You moveed closer. Higher. You kissed my forehead. "Gabriella," You whispered.

"Yes?"

"I love you." I ran my fingers through your hair.

"I love you too." And the kissing continued. For at least an hour and a half. "Nick," I interuppted. "The football game?"

"I know, but being here with you is better. I mean I want to go to the football game too, but if I had my pick..."

"Nick," I said standing up. "The football game." You followed me.

"Okay," You laughed and wraped your arms around my waist. And kissed my cheek. "Thanks."

We walked to the football game. We held hands and kissed a few times. Mostly talking about crazy squirrels the whole time. We get there. Saw brent with no shirt on. Sat down next to eachother. Waved to your dad. It was almost over. We got up and left whenever was gone. We walked back to your house. You offered me a drink and we went in your kitchen and talked for awhile. Mostly discussing your baby pictures on the refrigerator.

"Wanna watch some TV?"

"Sure!"

We sat down and watched the simpsons with your dad typing away on his computer in the next room. But everytime he went upstairs for a second, you'd sneek a kiss. We held hands and thumbed wrestled and played with katherine for awhile...and i kept winning cause im the best..teehhee. :-) and then i remember this old guy on the tv said what a day, and you turned to me and smiled the biggest smiled i think i ever saw and said,

"yeah...what a day." i smiled back. soon later your dad drove me home and i hurried to my window to watch your car dissapear down the block. i went upstairs and flopped on my bed. and wrote it ALL down.

:-)

I loved that day. I did I did.


I love you.

sincerely yours forever,
me*

(Let me die happy)

i want you to look at me and smile so i can say somethings never ever change. [25 Jul 2004|07:41pm]
[ mood | crappy ]
[ music | tears ]

Dear boy,

I hope I see you tomorrow.
I'm ready.

Nick, I've been waiting forever to say this to you.
Please, just be my friend tomorrow night, please.
I just want you to be my friend.
You'd make me so fucking happy.

Please. There is nothing I want more right now.

I don't want to wait forever anymore.
I've always been waiting for you,
but every guy I see now that I'm single,
just makes me want you even more.
I keep coming back to you.
You're my fall back.
And you've left nothing for me to land on.






I'm hoping wendy doesn't like you.
I would die.
My heart would stop beating.

But then again,
I know how much you'd love that.
You'd be happy.
You'd smile.







Why is love so fucking hard?



Jeese.

Love the only Broken hearted loser you'll ever wind up missing,
girl***

(Let me die happy)

[25 Jul 2004|01:15pm]
Dear boy,


..........................................................................................................................................................................................

Remember that time we were playing in front of samantha's house after school and we were all playing in her bushes and when no one was looking you snuck in a kiss?








Yeah.


Love the only broken hearted loser you'll ever need,
girl**

(Let me die happy)

[24 Jul 2004|10:11pm]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | thestills ]

Dear boy who broke me,

I can't take this anymore.
I don't want to look for you at Evergreen anymore.
I don't want to walk passed your house at night to see if your light is on.
I don't want to look and see if your car is in the driveway every time my mom drives passed your house.
I don't want to write this letters to you anymore.
I don't want to think about you all the time.
I don't want to see you in my dreams.
I don't want to write every song about you.
I don't want it to hurt when I see you.
I don't want to wonder what you're doing.
I don't want to love you anymore.
I don't want to remember.




And I've come to this frightening conclusion:
Everything that I do,
I do for you.
And nothing really happens,
unless it happens with you.



Fuck you for loving me in the first place.
Fuck you for being my friend.
Fuck you. Fuck fuck fuck you.
Fuck you you little fucking fucker fuck.


And I'm still in love

(Let me die happy)

[22 Jul 2004|10:36pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]
[ music | kiss the rain ]

Dear you,

I walked passed your house tonight. No light was on for me.
I think you're away or something.
I hope not.
I want to see you at the pool on saturday.
I dont see you anymore and I thought that was a good thing, but it completely back fired on me.
It just makes me miss you.
It just makes me weak.
It just makes me love you more.

Things aren't supposed to be this way. You went and ruined everything.
I should have been the one to dump you.
You were a jerk.
I through you the rope.
You asked me out, you took me on as your responsibilty.
If anything, I should have been the one to tell you I no longer wanted to be your responsibilty.
You yanked the rope out of my hands.
You took the ladder from beneath me.

And I fell, hoping, wishing, dreaming,
tricking myself into thinking you'd catch me.

You just let me crash and break.

Deep down, I know I will move on someday. I know I'm not broken forever, although it seems like it. I know it is better to have loved and lossed then to never have loved at all. I'm glad I love you. Sometimes I wish I didn't, so it wouldnt hurt, but it'll all be worth it someday. When I can look back and smile.

But for right now, my heart doesn't want to move on. It adores you. I know I should move on, its hopeless, but something in me won't. It keeps telling me to wait for you. It keeps telling me that you're going to need me soon. It keeps telling me that this will all work itself out.

My dreams tell me the same thing. And I hope it's true. I really do. Right now I don't even want your affection, I just want your friendship. I really really really miss being your friend. Honestly. The passed 4 years of my life have been some of the best because of you. Infact, the 10 months we were together were the most fun and happiest, EVER. I just miss that feeling of having something to fall back on. I miss having you to talk to walking home. I miss having someone to complain with and play james bond with. I miss having someone to tell all my guy secrets to. I miss having so body want to help me.

I miss Nick. If you ever, ever ever see him around, tell him I love him. Tell him he is the greatest guy in the entire world--universe. Tell him I'll never forget him. Tell him he was the greatest thing to ever happen to 13 year old girl.

And tell him I mean it.
And tell him if he ever ever ever ever needs me to call me. I'll run to him, anytime of day, any type of wheather, any condition, and I'll be there.
*~Just go outside and kiss the rain. I'm all around you.*~


And I feel a little empty now because of you.
and I feel a little bit lonely now because of you.


GOD I CANT TAKE THIS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I WANT TO SEE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE GOD, LET ME SEE HIM SOON!! PLEASE PLEASE!

i just want my chance. i wont blow it this time.

i promise.

(Let me die happy)

[22 Jul 2004|10:57am]
[ mood | blank ]
[ music | new found glory ]

Dear You,

Wow. I was crazy last night....i swear it's the raging hormones, because i feel fine right now.

Well, I'm off to start another new day. I'm looking forward to that .1% of the time where I don't think about you.



Bye Beautiful.
sincerely yours forever,
Me

(Let me die happy)

[21 Jul 2004|10:44pm]
Dear You,

Oh gosh. This is so not like me.
All I could seriously think about today is how much I wanted to kiss you.
Like really really really really badly.
I can't believe how lustful I'm becoming.
It's freaking me out.


Something happened, that's why.
I guess 2 months of kick boxing finally paid off,
because I finally look kind of good in that mini skirt.
Plus my, well, upper region...has grown...like a lot....so much so it hurts.
My freaking hormones are raging.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

i'M going to lose my mind.
hopefully this is jussssst a phase.
pray for that,
or i might not be able to control myself.



sincerely yours forever,
me :-*

ps: I want you.

(1 of your kisses | Let me die happy)

[21 Jul 2004|10:21am]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | someone to die for ]

Dear You, sweet sweet sweet perfect you,

I missed you do damn much today.
I went to the movies with Alyssa Samantha and Bailey to see Spiderman 2.
Guess what theatre we got?
Yup. The one with the hole in the ceiling that looked like Africa. AHHH.

From the perfect saturday. from pefect september. from the best day of my entire fucking life.
We even sat in the same exact same seats.
I almost felt your hand on mine.

I feel like rambling. I'm going to talk about that perfect saturday.

Well, I remember my mom drove sam and I to Erics house,where I saw you dancing in the street like a monkey. Lol. You wanted to make sure we knew which house since I'd never been to eric's house before. lol. you looked soooo cute.

Then we got to the movies. It was Dickie Roberts. We came running up the stairs and eric screamed,

IS ANYONE IN HEAR?!?! on the tup of his lungs....lol and there was someone in there. anyway i remember before the movie we were arguing about the hole in celing and how much it resembled africa...and then we were hiding from fat dan and jessica...because they said they were going to that movie too. we kept hiding under the seats and screaming boo whenever somebody came in...even when it wasnt them lol. then we saw that annoying boy from the pool that kept asking me where he knew me from last year...loll...SOOOO ANNOYING.


ahhh that movie was so funny (lol...nucking futs! aren't you a little big for a stoller? lol arent you a little big for a side walk?? LOL LOL LOL.) and i remember eric kept laughing at parts that werent funny and you said really loudly during a really sad part,

THAT REALLY DOES LOOK LIKE AFRICA!!!!!!!!!!

lol. then you held my hand during the romantic part. it was warm.

i liked it. <3

anyway...after the movie was sooo much fun. we wandered around westfield all day and i swear you couldnt go 2 seconds without holding my hand or putting your arm around me.

i remember:
1. when you were running up and down the isles of k-b toys like a little boy lol
2. the silly string!!
3. when you guys lost me and you started calling my name and convinced this little boy i was a lost dog..and you ran a whole 2 blocks just to find me :-)))))))
4. we got smoothies...but you didnt like yours
5. we got gir!! i loved gir....but you didnt lol.
6. i put that lotion on my hands in trader joes and then i was upsett it wasnt cream cheese lol
7. we hung out at the gas station. lol. you told me you never wanted the day to end.


then afterwards we went back to samanthas house and tried to ride her two-seater bike. AHAHA. that went over like a lead balloon. you tried to kill gir a lot too....lol you and eric kept teasing me!!! meanies lol. but at least we got pizza :-D

but even though all of the above was so much freaking fun, my favorite part of the whole entire part was later in the evening when we all put our feet in samanthas jacuzzi and just talked (lol, go rubber ducks!! teehee...hey IS THIS JACUZZI CHANGING COLORS?!*...one hour later...* OMG! SAMANTHAS JACUZZI CHANGES COLORS!!). we talked about our lives. we talked about our secrets. we talked about our dreams. we talked about the future and past. we talked about eachother.

we made a promise to be best friends forever.
we said when we get older we're going to buy a house together and live there forever.

i liked the game we played ...teehee, the one where you go around and say 1 thing you like about each person and one you dont. lol, you told me you didnt like when i ran off with inanimate objects but loved my smile...awww...and i said there was nothing i didnt like about you, and i liked everything about you because you were perfect. :-)

then i remember this one part for some strange reason when i was looking up at the stars, wishing the night would neever end, when samantha and eric started hysterically laughing. i thought it was me...but eric said:

"Oh my god that was so funny...you were gazing up at the stars and nick was gazing up at you."
You blushed, but then were like:

"Guys, could you look away for a minute?" They sighed but did anyway.

And you kissed me and held me the whole night.

And then when we were on the hammock and all looking up at the stars, talking about what happens after life and where the universe ends and all the deep stuff, you held me too. and then you told sam and eric to go in the back for a second. i was so excited...i didnt know what you were planning.

you looked at me and said,
"Gabbie, I just want you to know, no matter what you think, I think you're beautiful." (Because I had previosuly said that night that I thought I was ugly and stuff.)

"Thanks," I sighed. "No one has ever told me that before."

"Well I just wanted you to know, you're beautiful."

I smiled and kissed you. It was a magical kiss. We didnt do the whole tongue thing yet, but it was perfect. Sam and Eric snuck up on us because they thought we'd be making out, but nope. It was perfect the way it was.


And you held my hand the whole way back to your house when my mom drove you home.
And you kissed my forehead and said good-bye.
And I think I floated the whole way home.



And thats the end of the greatest day ever.
Don't you miss the good old days?
Don't you?
How can you sleep at night when you think about what you did to us?
Do you even think about it??

I think thinking is something you should do more of. Even though there has never been a gray area for you, Nick. Something either is, or it isn't. You always have all the answers.

Or so you think.
I know you'll be sorry soon.
You'll miss us when they ignore you.
you'll miss us when you find they really dont give a damn how you feel.


You'll miss me when you find you threw away the only love you've ever had.
You'll miss Nick,
when you realize you threw yourself away.

You tried so hard to be someone, that you fogot who you are.
You tried to fill some emptiness, that all you had spilled over.
You tried to go find yourself, and now you don't know where you are.
You wanted all of that, and now that you have it, doesn't seem like much to hold on too, huh? No. Didnt think so.

I'm sorry things how to end this way. I just wish you'd come home. I miss you. The real you. Don't be afraid to come home. We promised to love you forever, and we do.
We're just worried about you.
We don't want you to do something dumb.

I'd die for you(even though those cyncial smiles kill me already), and you know that.



Bye bye beautiful,
sincerely yours forever,
still me

(Let me die happy)

[18 Jul 2004|08:03pm]
Dear You,

Everytime I think about you, and what you're doing-my chest feels like it's tightening. I feel like you've wrapped your rope of hate around my heart, and are pulling it tighter and tighter. I can't breathe when I see you, or think of you. I love you so much, and you don't want me to. Why? Am I really that bad? Is it because I'm weird? Is it because I'm too loud? Is it because I wear dresses and pants at the same time?

I don't know what the deal is.

I don't know why I'm updating again. I guess I missed you again today. And last night.
I had a dream with you in it.
You were in a sinking ship and I think you were dying. I tried to save you, but then I woke up.
I know this sounds cruel, but I didn't want to wake up.
My dreams are the only way I get to see you nowadays.

I took a walk last night with Cosmo. We walked passed your house. I wanted to see if your light was on. I wanted to know if you were home safe. I saw that your living room light was on, and I thought you were probably watching TV with richie. But then I saw that your bedroom light was on.

Oh gosh, brought back bad/good memories.

A lot a lot a lot a lot a lot happened in your bedroom. Good stuff. Bad stuff. New stuff. Scary stuff.

I remember the first time I saw your bedroom. You and Eric and I were going to see Matchstick men. My mom drove me to your house and you gave me the grand tour. Your room was sooo cute. I remember you told eric you had to take his yankees hat off before he could come in. hahahahaha. good times :-)

that nick was so awesome. i miss him so much. i often find myself wishing he'd come back to us. i often wish we could go back to the good old days and play in samanthas backyard and stay up until midnight talking about life with our feet in her jacuzzi.

Don't even get me started with that saturday. The saturday was the best day of my entire life.

I need to stop before I start going through a list of all the memories I've ever had with you. Ah.

I hope I see you soon, really.
You're a good kid Nick Murray,

I hope you stop trying to prove that to everyone.

Bye bye beautiful.

Love,
still me xoxoxo

(Let me die happy)

[17 Jul 2004|07:52pm]
[ mood | creative ]
[ music | sweet mistakes ]

Dear you,

I saw you today. When I was riding my bike. When I passed your house. You were on your bike too.

You looked very handsome. I was hoping you saw me too, but I rode away as fast as possible. I pretended I didn't care.

I guess I'm not very good at that, eh?

No.

I didn't want to stop and talk.
It's not like you would ask me how I was anyway, because it's not like you care. Why should you? You're life is perfect. Perfect family. Perfect friends. Perfect home. Perfect social life. Perfect attitude. But you're not pefect. Sometimes I even feel sorry for you.

But I still love you. Because I'm a fool. And I don't care anymore. I knew you were the greatest boy in the entire world when I set eyes on you in the fourth grade.

My heart never lies to me.
My hope does, but not my heart.

Love,
still me

p.s.: last night i missed you so much. i remembered your echo location..lol..and i was looking at the pictures from baileys surprise party. i remember that night so well. i had so much fun. and so did you because i remember. i remember when you and i made orange soda and chocolate milk drinks. i remember having that huge tickle fight and how much i fell in love with your laugh. i remember when it was getting late and you told me you wanted to stay forever. i remember when everyone was around us and you said you wanted to kiss me so badly because i was so beautiful in the candle light. i remember when everyone left and it was just you and I, and you whispered in my ear that you were going to die with me, and you kissed me. i remember just wanting to hold you forever.

god. do you remember that?

i do i do i do. i do too much.

and then i looked at the ones from dorney.
there is this one of you that upsets me.
its just you and you're not smiling.
you look like you want to say something so badly.
you looked trapt.

I want to set you free.

(Let me die happy)

[12 Jul 2004|10:40pm]
Dear Boy,



I've been doing okay without you these past couple of days. I think you still, all the time, but it doesn't hurt as much.

I think I've even forgotten the way you shirt smells. WHOA.

Oh well.

Bye bye beautiful,
Girl.

(Let me die happy)

[10 Jul 2004|11:01pm]
Dear boy,
I did a little better without you today. I went to the movies with samantha...this time to actually see Dodgeball. Once again he universe must mock me by placing me in the same move thearter that we had our first date on...the fire fly one.

I thought about you though. I just wasn't that sad. I miss you sure. I crave you sure.

But what the fuck do you care? You're too busy finding your own.

And right now, I feel like saying...I don't know. Maybe one day I'll get off my ass and off the crappy computer and ask you what the fuck is wrong with you. Why the fuck you're such a douce bag.


UGGGG, and yet i still stiil love ya.

my little fbi agent whos made of dough and uses echo location. ahhh..
i miss him, i do i do.


love always,
girl

(Let me die happy)

[09 Jul 2004|11:19pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

dEAR you,

Im not in the mood to write right now. I guess I don't miss you tonight. I missed you before.

Only when I remember to I miss.



Maybe I can do this.

Love, I think,
Me

(Let me die happy)

[08 Jul 2004|10:12pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]
[ music | afrycryfromhome ]

Dear You,

I don't think you're on vacation. I saw your car in your driveway today.

I also went to the pool, and you were everywhere, as usual. Maybe it was the smell of the chlorine, or the cool water on my warm skin, or because I haven't been there in so long. I just couldn't get you out of me. I remembered the time you grabbed my hand and pooled me over to the edge just so you could stare at me. I remembered the time you asked me out. I remembered the times we had just laughing and swimming around. I remembered the time marc forgot his money and you asked me to borrow some. I remembered the time we shared fried. I remembered the time you payed for me to get in. I remember the day my cousin was there playing with us too. I remember the Billy Joel song you said I would like. I remember being chased by your brothers. I remember playing tag. I remember playing chicken and toothpaste. I remember the spot I use to sit and just watch you, that unique way you sort of gleamed in the setting rays.

I kept checking the entrance, to see if you would come, but nothing.
And it still hurts you know.
And I still miss you.
I forgot about you with some ice cream and about a bag of oreos.
I guess it's better then pins.

You made me hurt myself, and it still hurts. Please make it stop. Even though I know there is nothing you can really do. Sometimes I think you've done enough.

I can't let you go and I know why. Something is unfinished. Something still doesn't make sense to me. And besides that, I'm not ready to. I love you. And everything brings me back to you. I lived through a whole with year you know, loving you. Every season isn't new anymore. Everywhere I go there is still a little scent of you.

It hurts when I see snow. It hurts when I see leaves. It hurts when I see flowers. It hurts to see swimming pools. It hurts to see your house. It hurts to see baseball on TV. It hurts to hear music. It hurts when I see wendy, because I know you liked her. I know I know I know. And shes a bitch. She'll never see you the way I do. You think shes going to flirt with you in HS? HA! She'll be too busy checking out the new "hott" guys. And you'll be left in the dust.

Like me.
So we will meet again some day, huh?
Sadly not by choice.
But who knows, maybe you need to feel pain.
Who knows, maybe you're as lost as me.

A part of me doesn't want to move on. A part of me wants to stay and wait for you. A part of me actually believes you'd come back to me.

A part of me is fucked up.

That's the part you played with. Thanks, buddy. I wish I could hate you.

But I'm so far from that.

I think I will always love you,
Me

(Let me die happy)

[07 Jul 2004|11:09pm]
[ mood | curious ]
[ music | crickets ]

Dear You,

I don't know how I'm feeling tonight.

But I still love you.

Like always,
Me

(Let me die happy)

[07 Jul 2004|07:30pm]
Dear You,

Well, today was okay I guess. I was constantly reminded of you though.

We went to the movies. The box office was closed. Do you remember that? The box office being closed. And then guess where we went? Yup. Planet Smoothie( not to mention we got captain kids...:-(). Tahahahaha. And then we went to Funk and Standard. I saw your moose there.....

And then we got our fortunes told. The women told me you were a deceitful person and I am going to get over you. Maybe that's true. Just not anytime soon. She also said you'll try and talk to me, and I'll tell you to get lost. Wow. Can you imagine? I doubt it. I wish, but I doubt it.

Then we went to Trader Joes. Ha. You remember trader joes, don't you? I do. I wish I didnt but I do.

It was like the reinactment of our first date. Plah.

And I had a feeling if we actually saw the movie, we'd get stuck in the firefly room. I know you remember that. The fireflies. God, today I missed you a lot.

I miss you now, I suppose.

Nick, you left me when I needed you the most. I'm going through rough times, and I miss your light. I miss your smile. You're a stranger now. Like a face in the city. You don't mean anything except to my heart.

But I'm not supposed to love you anymore. Remember that.


Sigh...I am very confused. You confuse me a lot. Sometimes, I figure I am better off. You would have just ignored me the whole summer anyway, and I would have been worse off. I would have just suffered in that relationship until it hurt worse.

I don't know what to say. Maybe this is the turning point? At least for now.

Maybe I'll write later.

Love, for now,
Me

(Let me die happy)

[07 Jul 2004|12:13pm]
[ mood | calm ]
[ music | luckyboysconfusion ]

Dear you,

I am going to the movies today, with Alyssa. I'm trying to take my mind off of you but it won't work. We're seeing Dodgeball, didn't you see that with Eric? I think you did. I think that's the day Eric told me you called me a cry baby. As if you knew how it feels......as if you knew what it's like, how hard it is, to just love you. It's even harder to stop thinking about you.

Omg you know what I saw on family guy last night? The one when Peter knows the world is going to end in the new millenium and at 12 everything blows up and its silent for like a minute and he is like "Holy crap did anyone else just feel that?". LOL. I always wondered why you and eric said that all the time at lunch. It was pretty funny. it made me think of you. the real you. i always think think of you before i go to sleep. i pray for you too. and then i dream of you while i sleep. and then i wake and think of you.

yes i know...its a vicious cycle.

and i cant wait until i see you again.

(Let me die happy)

[06 Jul 2004|09:18pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | afarcryfromhome ]

Dear You,

I wrote something in my profile for you. It's about september. I loved september. You made that the best in my entire life.

I've decided no one is going to know about this, except for you and I. Which means it's just me, because I'd never be brave enough to show this to you. I am too scared of you now. I'm not scared of Nick...but you're not Nick. Nick would never hurt me. Nick would never be cold. Nick would never be distant. I don't know who you are. All I know is I miss you. And I know I'm not supposed to love you, but I do. No one wants me to love you anymore.

Except for my heart.

I rode my bike today, and I looked at your house from afar. Your car wasn't there. Not the van anyway. It made me wonder where you were. Are you home or on vacation? Will I see you at the pool next Monday? I hope so. I want to talk to you so bad.

I still have this little funny feeling with me. My heart thinks you've changed.
My head begs to differ.
My soul wants to keep hoping.

I just can't wait until you do. I miss my friend. He was so awesome. He wasn't a perve whos only interest was making out and second base. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy that, because I did, I just wish I got to know you more. The real you. Then maybe I wouldn't be so confused right now.

.....................................................i just know there is a reason to all of this. you couldn't have possibly stayed with me for 9 months if all you wanted was a makeout partner. There has to be the reason. I know there is. I know you care about me, because I use to be able to feel it in your voice. I could see it in your eyes. Don't you remember cying for me? I do.

I'm not letting this go without a fight. I want the answers.


I love you. I hope you have sweet dreams tonight. Please try and remember. No one will see you if you do. You'll be okay.

Love always,
me

(Let me die happy)

[06 Jul 2004|04:51pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | lucky boys confusion ]

Dear You,

I have a funny good feeling about everything. Maybe you're finally seeing it, maybe I'm just crazy. But you always liked it that way, didn't you? I think so. Or you just liked it when I shut the fuck up and made-out with you. Hahahahahahaha. I liked that too.

I miss you. Maybe I'll see you around.

Love,
Still me.

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