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[29 Apr 2008|12:04am] |
my best guy friend, of like 4 years and i kissed like a 2 months ago. we went on like nothing happened.. but i get this vibe from him, all the time.. he tells me he loves me, calls me just to say i love you... he flat out treats me better than my own boyfriend of a year.. Every time my boyfriend and i have a problem, he is there to tell me that i am so much better..
Since that night we kissed, he has been on my mind.. He has a rough past with girls, hes never "loved" a girl.. Everyone says i could be the one to change him ... and i think i want to be the one..
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[29 Apr 2008|08:53am] |
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Everytime people ask what I have been doing since graduating 2 years ago, I lie.
I'm sick of either being lectured: "OMG...YOU'RE SO SMART. YOU SHOULD BE IN SCHOOL...DON'T WASTE YOUR INTELLIGENCE DOING NOTHING AND BLAH AND BLAH BLAH AND BLAH!"
OR...I get (which is even worse) this disapproving stare or this look of sympathy after I tell them the reasons I'm not doing school.
(Family and financial issues that are pretty important).
I hate those looks and I hate explaining why I'm not doing or doing something.
I'm fucking grown. I'm 20.
I don't answer to no one and I've finally decided not to.
It's none of their business what's going on in my family.
Even my eye doctor lectured me.
It was one of the most awkward and pathetic 20 minutes of my life moments in my life.
It's easy for him to say how important school is to my future...
He's not sick.
His spouse isn't dead.
Money isn't tight.
Family isn't dysfunctional.
Unemployment.
Teen pregnancy.
Drugs.
Bulimia.
Constant drama.
All issues going on in my 8 member family.
It's just so GODDAMN easy for someone on the outside to try and tell you what you need to do...the right thing to do.
Sometimes the right thing to do ISN'T exactly right for you.
School isn't going anywhere. I need to be with my family.
After this fucked up year, I need to be here...
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[29 Apr 2008|03:40pm] |
i need advice. or comfort. just something.
me and this guy had been talking since the beginning of summer. we both liked each other and we hooked up a lot, but we have had our rough times...we always worked them out and "got back together" (we never actually officially dated) we might have well been together though. so we had sex for the first time a little over a month ago. and then we had done it again a few weeks later.
we lost our virginity to each other, which was a big deal for him, even though he said he didn't love me. i care about him so freaking much it blows me away. i've never felt like that before, but i don't know if i love him.
we're currently not speaking because we got in a fight about how he never sees me and "he can't like a girl he doesn't see for weeks at a time" and so he basically stopped talking to me. and it kills me. i won't admit it to anybody. but i'm completely dying inside. i never realized how much i needed him. i feel like we're over for good..it's never gotten this bad. we haven't spoken for about two weeks.
for about a week now i've been having these awful nightmares about him being killed or dying. i get woken out of my sleep right after he is killed crying or screaming. i have no idea why, but lately i'm just so afraid of something happening to him. i guess i can't stand the thought of us possibly ending like this forever.
these nightmares are the worst i've had in a really long time, they're so graphic and disturbing. i just don't know what to do with myself.
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