|
so the end of the year, is almost here.. and i guess this blog thing is a way of just getting on with my life.. this year was probably the hardest year for me in so many ways.. but one of the most amazing ones too. i dont think ive ever been in so much trouble in my entire life thought. throwing porn cards off the balcony, getting suspened, missing my curfews by like 3 hours, "running away" during spring break, things that not any normal person, let alone girl, would do. ive never been so hurt or have been through so much pain in my entire life though, either. I learned, what it was like to be so dependent on a person and so far in love with them, that it didnt matter how much shit happened. it was worth it. and not a second more do i look back on that and regret it. because i dont. i thought i knew what love was. but maybe i was blinde, maybe now i can just rely on " what should have been" love last forever. it didnt, and wont happen to me ever again, because i dont want it. not anymore atleast. it use to be one of those fairy tale kinda thing that i always dreamed about, and now that dream is gone, and dead.. along with alot of my feelings. i met a girl, who i thought was someone really great, but then again, people in the world destory things. and it happens. i was nieve to trust that person who i thuoght loved me back, who would be there thoughout the end. and instead i sit here, and watch the girl that use to be so close to me, and the guy i totally thought loved me, walk away.. together. im okay now. its just another thing to add to the boodk of reminders of what i never, want to deal with.. ever.. again. but why does it always have to end badly? it shouldnt have, if feelings were true. but then again, the things said to me, that meant the world to me, were turned around, and said to someone else. i guess you can say im bitter. but soon enough ill be happy. its not like this is the first time. or the last that ill ever get to meet someone whos just as special as the first. ive been there a frew times, but too afraid to go any further, and actually want something else. i lost my chance with a boy who moved away a couple weeks ago, one who when i needed a boy to talk to came right away and sat outside my doorstep just to talk to me. one who, i sit here now, and wonder how he is.. its been a week since ive talked to him, since he left.. and i guess now i wonder if this is what it feels like to forget the past, and strat missing someone who should have been in your future. i miss him. the way i could smile and hed have the cutest things to say about it.. but again, i didnt take it farther, cause i was scared to let go of the guy, you left me for a girl.. who looks exactly like me. how do people do it.. please clue me in.
love, lost, hurt, jealous, pissed, upset, alone you name it, i gurentee ive felt it. some people just arent worht the fight. somethings just arent worth spending your time on. id do anything to have never met some people. for the fact, that i wouldnt have to be so careless.. so numb? because thats how i am.. ive been called fake before, and i deal with that with a smile. but the truth is, its been me all along.. maybe im too nice, too good to be true? that i have a bad way of saying no.. but honestly im a girl who cries when shes sad, yells when shes angry, smiles when shes happy.. im a girl just like anyone else, i dont lay my feelings out for everyone to see. i dont say how i feel, for the fact, ill get over it one day.. and it bothers me now.. put in a few weeks wont even matter. so why cause a fight? just because i coose not to tell the whole world about my feelings towards people, or the way im feeling that day, doesnt make me fake.. i just, merely do things on my own. and its been that way since i can remeber.. and if you dont like it, the dont like me. i cant make everone like me, and ive learned that now.. i try to be as nice to everyone, as everyone is with me. its just the way i think people should be treated.
SECRET: i wrote that my sophomore year.. im a senior now. i went back to the guy.. who left me for the girl. forgot the guy who wanted me so badly. and now.. i ended up back that same exact spot. HE AND I BROKE UP 3 WEEKS AGO.. and i have yet to talk to the guy who moved away..
wtf is wrong with me.. i should have read this over and over, until i moved on... and now im as sad as ever. :(
|
