((c.a.r.o.l.i.n.e))'s Blurty

Subject:	when you kiss me i still feel it weeks later
Time:	10:48 pm.

yeh i've had a somewhat bad day..it just seemed that as soon as i woke everything was doomed to go wrong! okay so i wake up and it's way early and i never wake up early so i go downstairs and watch uber movies - finding nemo and pirates of the caribbean..cept i fell asleep during pirates of the caribbean..yeh so anyway i come back online cos danny got on but his away message was up and it said "yeh i like it when my brothers fuck me over" so i just had a feeling that me and him weren't going to do anything so he came back and i asked him and he was like i'll see which usually means no..oh and the cops showed up at their house so yeh his dad was pretty pissed..it wasn't danny in trouble tho so i'm happy for that...so i acted as tho we were doing something and took a shower anyway, after watching some of seabiscuit. so yeh i'm in the shower and my fuckin hair on my legs was being gay as was my razor! my legs felt dry already and i was in the fuckin shower!! and then when i was drying my hair it just didn't feel right, and then i blew a fuse and my dad yelled at me and said i was being shady and yeh so i'm pissed by now cos my hair was being gay and i have my dad thinking i'm gonna see another 18 year old...so i go downstairs and somebody calls my cell but nobody bothered to tell me it was ringing so i missed it and i didn't know who the number was so i wasn't about to call back...so then finally at like 7 danny comes on and says sorry - that's it and signs off..i was so f'in pissed! so i watched school of rock then the flyer's game...i sware i don't even know why i bother making plans with him!

but on the bright side - dave didn't ask jess out today which is good! yay!

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Subject:	i have so much to say to you
Time:	10:02 pm.

dear dave,

you've lost me and it's obvious. you've pushed me out of your life for no reason. now your mind is completely twisted up and wrapped around jess. i may not have known you for that long but i know you've changed. you're not the same especially since your not there for me anymore. i used to count on you for alot of stuff and now when i trip i know you won't be there to catch me or even to tell me to be careful. you've lost so much more than me, such as other friends, awesome things you used to do, the things you used to talk about..i haven't heard you talk about hunting or cars as much as you did when i first met you in the looooongest time and it's all because of jess. yeh change is good but my god no need to become a slightly male version of jess! a girlfriend is a girlfriend it's not necessary to be controlled by her. this girl happened to the best guy i've ever known and she doesn't deserve you whether you believe it or not.

now enough with the sappy shit and back to reality and what you've gotten into and how you've effected me or others. you've become the biggest asshole to me. i didn't do anything. unless you still believe that i "manipulated" you. if i was doing so why the hell did everything i say play out in your own life slowly but surely. the main fact that i was trying to get at you was that if you went back with her she would do the same things to you over and over again. so let's recap. she broke up with you because she cheated on you with evan and had feelings for him and that's when i came in and told you she was a bitch and was going to do it again and blah blah blah but then you talked to her and believed that she wouldn't and asked her out again and then you completely turned on me. so then a little more than a month later she tells me this plan about cheating on you but in a sneaky way and i'm sorry for telling you but i thought you should know. so then you guys broke up but WHAT DO YOU KNOW you asked her out again. thennn some weeks later she broke up with you again but this time cos she had feelings for joel now correct me if i'm wrong but 3 times in like 2 months has got to tell you that she has fun playing with your emotions... i don't know if i'm completely throwing this out there but a hooker would treat you better than her. i don't know why you let her take her rope and tie you up like that. you may not be the brightest person (sorry lol) but i know you're smart enough to realize you've lost alot buddy. you're best friend doesn't even like her. but i'm sure you're on her side for that one. maybe if she wasn't such a bitch to you he would enjoy her company. and you know it's sad when me, who was her best friend, realize she's not treating you right and i actually talked shit about her. i'm a loyal friend and avoid all talking bad about but she had it coming cos she was treating you like poop. you don't realize that so many other people actually care about you dave. she can actually rip you up tear you apart like your some old rag and you don't even notice. it's so sad dave.

i said a while ago that i cared about you more than anyone ever before and even though you treat me like shit i still stick by that. you might not think so but i do all these things cos i don't want you hurt and i care about you not because i enjoy talking stuff about her or enjoy seeing you and her break up or just need something to talk about with danny. you're SIXTEEN dave no need to pick out wedding cakes just yet. there is so much more stuff to worry about and do than be in love and you're wasting alot of time on some girl who, may say she does, but doesn't love you like you love her - if you can even call it love. which i also find bullshit. do you even realize there are other girls in this world? jess is soo not the right girl for you. i just wish you knew it. like ugh i was shocked when you sat there and told me she treated you well. she's the biggest flirt i've ever met! and the fact that you go to a different school just makes it so much easier for her! okay she even asked you if she could give joel kisses on the cheek to "comfort" him...HELLO????????? omg you're so blind dave i'm so sorry i gave you her screen name however long ago. i still say today that it was the biggest mistake of my life.

if you haven't noticed, dave, me and her aren't really the best of friends and it's cos of you. i can't keep things from you and that leads me and her further apart cos i'm breaking her trust just so i can look out for you but you always ignore that even when danny tells you. you know, usually when a guy gets hurt a bagillion times by the same girl he calls it off, breaks up with her, tells her off, SHOWS SOME KIND OF ANGER TOWARDS HER!!!!! dude, you are so totally out there. i probably sound really bitchy but maybe that's what i'm trying to be cos last time when i was trying to be your best friend you didn't listen to me, maybe by being the complete opposite i might actually get through to you! DON'T PUT YOURSELF IN RISK OF GETTING HURT AGAIN! do you understand??? okay danny hates jess that's why he doesn't want you dating her that's not a good enough excuse...but my excuse is this, you two were my best friends when you started dating and you know how i felt about it from the beginning and my feelings still stand, and i'm probably only looking at it like this cos i don't want my two best friends getting hurt but, listen, throughout this whole relationship whether i liked it or not i was in the middle and maybe not so much now cos you both like hate me but ugh i was always there for both of you and you know what dave i risked a f'in 10 year friendship with the best f'in friend i've ever had just so your selfish ass wouldn't get hurt...i'm sooooooo glad i risked that so i could get treated like shit by you in the end!...so i have a feeling that you think i do all this stuff cos i don't want you dating...honestly i could give a rat's ass if you two dated but the fact that your getting treated like poop (well i think you are) and that you keep making the same mistake by going back out with her and that you keep getting hurt makes me so frustrated COS YOU DON'T DESERVE IT! ughhhhh...and i think just by writing this letter i'm risking mine and her's friendship again cos you'll probably just go home and tell her about it...

okay like after jess found out about those convos we had (sorry to bring it up again) and you said you didn't mean anything, nothing at all, about what was said to me..do you know how much the f'in hurt?? i can understand you not meaning the parts about us being together or what would happen between us cos i can admit that i didn't mean it, i don't know what i was doing, but besides that we were talking about how good of friends we are and talking mad friendship and when you said you didn't mean it...umm ouch...that literally killed me inside. i really don't know what i did to you to make you hate me so much but maybe an apology is what you need from me...i'm sorry i tell you the stuff you need to know about jess and what she does or plans behind your back, i'm sorry for always looking out for you, i'm sorry for caring about you this much, i'm sorry for having such a big mouth, i'm sorry for telling you the truth when she or anybody else wouldn't, i'm sorry for being there when you needed me before you stopped talking to me, i'm sorry that you feel the need to push me away, i'm sorry you have these hateful things to say about me, i'm sorry that you're a different dave then who i met last year.. you're the biggest loss in my life. i don't even know you that well anymore and here i am telling you everything i feel cos i've lost you and i hate it. this might make you hate me even more but then at least i would have lost you having you know everything i felt....so yeh that was the last 6 months bottled up inside... please don't hate me after this! i am truly sorry for sounding like a bitch to you right now cos that's the last thing i want but you know how i am...i go on rampages when it comes to stuff like this..please forgive me.

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Subject:	"humans - they think they own everything" "probably american!"
Time:	4:07 pm.
Mood:	aggravated.
Music:	just keep swimming just keep swimming - dorey.

omg i was definitely having one of the best mondays in a while until ugh! like everytime i saw danny he made my day go down the drain well no not really but at the end of the day he definitely flushed me down the toilet.

okay so since i got my haircut like EVERYBODY was complimenting it and saying how good it looks and i was so excited! and then i saw danny after 3rd - which is unusual - but yeh all i got was a hey but not even! cos he was with f'in sarah! and then even more people complimented it in fourth period so i was excited again and thennnn he came to the door and i saw him and he gave me this like digusted with me look and i know he was kidding but then like over looked me and waved all nice to kelsey i was like ugh fuck you and i was mad again but then in 5th period moooore people complimented my hair so then i was fine but even ryan said it was rude that danny didn't say anything about my hair and hans sympathized haha..so yeh i was fine again for a while cos then in 6th period even more people said they liked it!! then yeh after 6th i saw him again and he was looking straight at me but by this time i was showing him that i was mad and i didn't smile at him like i usually do and he called me a loser cos i was walking by myself instead of with coupe so yeh i just told him silently to shut up and not with a happy face on! so yeh then once again even more people complimented my hair and i was happy again - well sorda - and then at the end of the day dave and danny came walking towards my locker to walk outside and i joined in and started walking with them and they were talking about some '69 camaro and ugh he completely ignored me!!!!!!!! not one word or look or smile towards me i was like WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?? grr i was so mad and i still am! he can be a real fucking asshole sometimes and i was so happy after talking to him yesterday and he asked me to do something with him on friday but i have to babysit but AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH he pisses me off!

but yeh today at lunch it was fun cos i love jason phillips! haha - okay ryan was telling me to throw alan's books on the ground again cos i did it twice last week and it was the perfect oppurtunity to do it again but i was like "no i can't do it three times" and jason was like "do what three times?" and me and ryan's dirty minds immediately thought of sex and ryan started to explain that i can't have sex three times so i have to switch to taking it up the butt and i totally went along with it.. and then jason - my cutie - says "if i were to go to your house would you fuck me?" and i was like yeh and he started laughing and was like "would you really?" and i said to ryan "he thinks i'm kidding that's so funny" and told jason again that i would and he asked ryan if i would and ryan was like "she probably would" and he was like "do you find me sexy" i was like "hell yeh" and he got all excited and ryan was like "way to go jason!!" like all happy for him - it was soo funny so that's what made me happy in 7th period until i saw danny again! grr.

now i'm watching finding nemo and about to have hot dogs i'm starving!!

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Subject:	"get him off competition" - i love you ryan and dave!!
Time:	8:05 pm.
Mood:	blah.
Music:	g love and special sauce :: milk and cereal.

hahahaha i just said the stupidest thing!! omg i'm watching an all new friends on nbc cos it's thursday - duh - so anyways it's like 15 minutes into the show and first of all i just realized that i had never seen this one before and second of i actually said out loud that i had never seen this episode! well its brand new of course i didn't see it!! haha omg it was great but i guess you really had to be there!

okay so blah blah blah past my stupidity onto my reality!! omg i'm being such a bitch and i'm just realizing it! i'm pushing danny away tremendously!! i feel so unbelievably horrible.. i can't believe i'm doing this and i can't believe i didn't realize it...i might have said i wasn't going to chase him anymore AND I'M NOT but i also didn't want to run in the opposite fucking way!! i just can't believe this..i have to stop but i don't know how..i've been doing it for too long..i mean i didn't realize i was doing it how am i to realize how to stop???? well i'm glad i recognized my mistake before i did something crazy like completely turn him away from me and have him not even try, wait what if i already did?!?? shit!!!!! i'm such a bitch..omg...::inhales deeply:: okayy i think i'm done freaking out haha!

now i want to apologize to him - i have to! it's only right!!! i will this weekend!! crap i can't he won't be here - damnit another weekend without danny p. he always makes me happy and now i'm three days and two nights without him!! ugh see i do have feelings for him and i'm not trying to push him away i think i was doing that because i thought he was losing interest well i shouldn't be showing him that i lost interest! grrrrr i can't believe i've gotten into this mess well it's not really a mess if no one sees it...i'll talk to him next week or if he's on tomorrow night hopefully he's not going until saturday but i'm sure ryan will be there and i don't want to talk about it with ryan there...i just want my danny back i feel terrible :( argh-ness!!

but on the upside i'm gettting my hair redone completely on saturday! then going shopping with my newly earned money! yay i can't wait i need a bunch of new clothes! i'm definitely in need...so anyways my haircut - it's going to be about shoulder length and choppy and layers everywhere! and the best part - HIGHLIGHTS!! well my hair's brown so i'm definitely not getting blonde highlights but light brown...i haven't told anybody yet except jess because i know that anybody she told wouldn't care..i'm keeping it a secret because i want people to be surprised! i can't wait!!!

hmm what else happened recently??

OHHHHH EMMM GEEEEEEE my lunch period today was fucking awesome!! well first dave skipped to come to our lunch and that didn't make me too happy cos i was mad at him lastnight cos of the whole 'crabs' comment but i forgave him cos i know he's just a little jackass so i accept him - okay so first he tells me to get him some lunch and i always do when he comes to our lunch but he's like get me curly fries and a cookie and i was like okayy and that was that and then ryan was like no get a whole plate so then dave was like yehh so just get two things of curly fries and i asked him like 50 times if that was it and he said yes so i come back and placed the fries on the table after he told me that if they didn't have curly just get regular so that's what i did then he yelled at me cos i didn't get him a soda and that it was my duty as a human being to realize that getting two things of fries means getting a soda to wash them down with and i did not tolerate that than later he yelled at me cos i didn't get him a cookie AFTER HE TOLD ME NOT TO!! geeze he sure gets on my nerves but i love him haha!! okay so then ryan and dave get into this story about "getting off" it was a joke but it was sooooooooo so so so funny omg i couldn't stop laughing!!...okayy so like they were talking about "who could get off first" and ryan was saying how dave lost and dave was like only because ryan held his in!!!!!!! i started sying thenn alan took a drink of his coke and dave at the same time was like "WHERE IS MY FUCKING COOKIE?" and alan spit his coke alllllll over the place!!!!!! omg it was great!!! that was the best lunch....i really really need to stop hanging out with guys tho seriously...i was the ONLY girl at that table of like 8 guys...it was so great tho...

okayy i'm tired of typing

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Subject:	"pass me a bottle mr. jones"
Time:	10:34 pm.
Mood:	thirsty.
Music:	counting crows :: mr. jones.

yeh i'm just really bored and not tired enough to lay in bed...omg i love my new moisterizer! it makes my skin sooo smooth..as soon as i put it on..i feel my face all the time now! it's amazing!! haha

okay so about soph hop...it's come to last resort..i'm asking hans..i love this kid so much and i wanna ask him...the sad thing is i'm scared..i ask the kid if he wants to have sex with me ((jokingly)) or tell him i love him and yet i don't have the guts to ask him to a f'in dance!! haha i'm so weird!! cos i'm pretty sure he would say yes cos i know he wants to go but just doesn't have a date..i'm surprised he isn't going with julia yet..but she probably isn't going cos ya know that's the cool ghetto thing to do. geeze she's so gayy, her and her durag wearing friend deige! yo seriously i've been hanging around danny and ryan and dave too much cos i'm turning against black/ghetto people..i like love to hate them..it's so funny but mean!! it's not me! haha

i think dave is bringing jess to soph hop which won't be cool..nope not at all...i totally just wanna slap her..and she'll probably come with her boobs coming out of her dress cos she still hasn't gotten new bras since her boobs grew...it's not flattering cos she's not skinny and that's part of the reason her boobs grew in the first place cos she's gaining weight and her boobs are just trying to keep up...it just doesn't look good on her! haha

i just can't wait..i don't want to go stag tho..it would totally suck

omg today at lunch was fun even tho i felt like shit all day! okayy this kid jason is totally awesome and i've been talking to him more lately and it's so fun..today he asked me to throw his trash out and i said no and ryan was like take her to applebee's and it's a total inside joke and it's so fun to have jason talk about something else cos he told me i had to pay for applebee's hahaha i was like i'm not running some prostitute business - by the way applebee's is me and ryan's way of saying "eating a girl out" - so yeh than we got into the convo of who i want more and duhh it's gonna be jason!! i wasn't about to say i wanted ryan when he has a awesome girlfriend..she's so nice and i know we weren't serious but still, there are just some things you don't say...well it all started cos jason said to ryan that i wanted to fuck him and i heard him and just nodded and smiled at him cos it was true! haha i'm so gay!...so yeh me love jason!

okayy i think i'm finally tired enough to lay in bed!

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Subject:	"if you jiggle it more than once, you're playing with it."
Time:	10:27 am.
Mood:	accomplished.
Music:	chumbawamba :: tubthumping.

okay so here's the update...

dave and jess, yeh, they broke up. but dave the one who thinks he's in love said it hurt too much to leave her so he asked her out again the very next day! can you believe it? me and danny were finally seeing things on the upside when he broke up with jess cos we actually had a chance to get him back to how he used to be but now we know for sure that nothing, especially her being a total hoe, will keep him away form her..that boy is even more attached to her than i was to chris..and that's definitely saying something.

so for like a week or two i wasn't talking to jess and i seriously considered not being friends with her..but i don't know we talked about it and just kinda put it behind us. but then in a matter of days she had something new to throw on me cos you know everything i do is wrong in her eyes so i just said fuck it and didn't talk to her until last week...she claims she didn't talk about me and that i was the only one..but i meant everything. i didn't want to be her friend again cos the way she treats me was like dog shit - you know it's there and but unexpectedly you just walk all over it and leave it at the bottom of your shoe - and that's exactly where i stayed for the past however many years..on the bottom of her shoe so she could just walk all over me. and the sad part is she treats me like she would treat somebody she just met...isn't that nice? but we're talking again i guess but never again will we have that best friends - if that's what you wanna call what we had before..it's just this, don't-want-you-to-be-mad-at-me-so-i'll-pretend-to-be-nice-never-again-will-i-trust-you kinda relationship..and it's really gay. and i'm just waiting for the day where she attacks me again with something else i did wrong..it should be coming any day now..this is a bullshit friendship

which is why i found new ones....i looooove my new friends, they're fuckin awesome...especially coupe!! she is definitely becoming my best friend cos we just laugh about anything and NEVER fight! mannn dis is the life! haha..everybody that i'm friends with now, they don't judge me, well at least not to my face...and i can be myself around them and totally act like a fool and not care! i would get so many dirty looks from jess if i did anything like i did lastnight...i was just acting the way i am and it took me forever to finally get it out...like an occasional compliment from jess would be fucking awesome, i know i gave her some if like she looked cute for the night or if i finally saw her and dave as a cute couple, i'm not a bitch like that, i tell her that stuff to higher her self esteem all she did was lower mine..being sarcastic is fine but when you take it to a level when EVERYTHING you say is sarcastic, you never know when she's serious.. and i'll admit i'm a VERY sarcastic person and it's just part of who i am but i totally tell people when i'm kidding like laugh out loud after i say it and my new friends just always say nice things to me and i don't feel like shit like constantly like i did when i was with jess...eeek i love all of them!!

lastnight i went to this party and alot of people were there..just everybody i love to hang out with...me and eddie are just so fun together..when we're not in school haha...we had our little humping dancing and whatnot..it was so fun and he definitely made my boobs dance and ry guy totally saw it! haha it was great he was like WHAT WAS THAT?? haha! it was soo fun lastnight..so many inside jokes formed lastnight..

welp i totally got a block so if i think of more to write i'll ttyl!

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Subject:	::survey:: definitely bored!
Time:	6:17 pm.

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME: most recently-ghosts!, falling, and heaven
THREE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LAUGH: jess, danny, ryan Mitchell(mostly)
THREE THINGS I LOVE: online, my boys, and Chinese food
THREE THINGS I DISLIKE: girls(some), pudding, CHOCOLATE!
THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND: theoretical physics, mr. Fidalgo, pink floyd
THREE THINGS ON MY BEDROOM TABLE: alarm clock, books, pictures
THREE THINGS I'M DOING RIGHT NOW: talking to danny, typing, answering these questions
THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE: sex danny, get rid of such a thing as “fears”, have dave back
THREE THINGS I CAN DO: put my knees behind my head, be sarcastic, memorize 20 words and definitions in 20 mins (new found talent)
THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY: sarcastic, quiet at first but lightens up, doesn’t keep threatful secrets!.
THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY LOOKS: blue eyes, brown hair, new york style
THREE THINGS I CAN'T DO: rollerblade down a hill, listen to every word my dad says, poop in public bathrooms
THREE THINGS I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO: classic rock, the words coming out of my mouth, your friends
THREE THINGS I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO EVER: punk music! That’s a no-no! evanescence cd, mr. fidalgo
THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST: “I love you hans” “nahh dude” and “cheese and rice”
THREE OF YOUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS: Chinese food, rice with butter and salt, fruit snacks
THREE THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO LEARN: how to play the drums, tricks on a wakeboard, and pick right guys
THREE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARLY: sprite, water, annnnnnnd more sprite
THREE SHOWS YOU WATCHED AS A KID: full house, boy meets world, rugrats
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE WORDS—EVER: anything that involves saying “dude”, phalange, and lynyrd as in skynyrd
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BOOKS: go ask alice, any gossip girl book, and sex books haha

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Subject:	-:-a gathering of angels appeared above my head-:-
Time:	8:45 pm.
Mood:	infuriated.
Music:	beach boys - kokomo!!! always a good song.

okay so dave knows what jess said ((last entry)) and he didn't take it well--it wasn't said to him at the right time...especially since i was like 5 feet away from her!! so she knew i told him...but this is what happened...me and danny like live off their gossip and i just tell him everything and so i told him and i probably shouldn't have told him while i was with jess but it had to be said and so danny told dave and dave freaked out..he couldn't hold in what he was feeling and he flipped on jess..he broke it off--which was what most of his friend's wanted--but it shouldn't have happened that way--so the rest of the night and in the morning i was ignored by jess--evil looks and attitude i called my mom as soon as i woke up...she didn't even have the balls to say something to me she had jen talk to me about it...he doesn't know if he should have broken up with her but in a way he says it felt right..i personally was telling him not to break up with her...i tried looking on the bright side of it all--jess didn't trust me in the first place and i just made her not trust me even more but i wasnt trying to be her friend i was trying to be dave's, he didn't deserve to get hurt again by some smut who takes sexy pictures to show off on the fucking internet she's so fag and maybe it wasn't right for me to break a promise by not telling him but you don't tell me that you're going to get with another guy while going out with my friend and expect me not to tell him! she's so fuckin stupid the worst part of this all is that i'll have to work with her this summer and i'm not quitting this job i've wanted to work there since i started going to camp there...

dave and jess seem to be mad at me for the break up or just completely blaming me
it pisses me off that when i try to help dave through this or whatever he gets all pissed at me and like it's so gay he can't get fucking pissed for me telling him that--i fucking sacrificed my 10 YEAR friendship with jess just so dave wouldn't get fucking hurt so don't tell me that his 4 month relationship with her is more of a sacrifice and worth yelling at me for..they're so gay--even when they're not together...it's not like i told dave what she said and was like okay now go break up with her i wasn't even the one who told him and if anything i told him NOT to break up with her--this whole thing is so fucking gay...we're 15 no need for love and strong emotions get over it!!! JOE PISTACHIO IS A GREAT EXAMPLE--I LOVE THAT KID!! he's fucking awesome! he moved on from his girlfriend and didn't show that he regretted dumping a two-timing bitch...dave only thinks on his "feelings" for her--4 months--it wasn't love..she might have made you happy but so does pot and alcohol and you don't have an emotional departure from them when they're not there!!!!!!!!! grrr dave is such a pussy..he'll never get out from her trap this way.

i'm out

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Time:	8:52 pm.
Mood:	confused.
Music:	ABBA :: take a chance on me.

oh my goodness--it's been way long--but not long enough i want it to be february already!!! this month seemed to be going really fast until the end!!

i was supposed to have mid terms this week but noo the snow decided to kick in and we had 3 SNOW DAYS!! in a row--we better not use anymore or i will kill somebody if we have to make up MORE days!! it's bad enough the teachers decided to go on a stupid strike and we had to make up THOSE days but now it's a bad winter poooooooooooopp ((in words of ryan mitchell))

soo for the past two night i've had these dreams that jess like cancelled on me at last minute because we're supposed to go to the mall this fridayy and grr well yehh i talked to her about it and i don't feel completely "yay" about it but i dont know the whole thing is weird but if i have another dream this week about it i'm gonna freak!

and if i wasn't feeling even more miserable today about the dreams--danny is being a dick to me kind of and i don't know what his problem is..like one week he's all cute and flirty with me than the next when i try to be flirty NO RESPONSE!! it's so gay oh and there was this caitlin girl--total freshmen!--and i hear about her from him sometimes and my jealousy kicks in and on his away message today "caitlin is my goddess" uh uhn not cool--fresh meat don't take my men!!!!! grr she's so ugly too and her head is deformed--i don't know yy i try so hard to get with him he's not that great--if he has to purposely make me jealous to get my attention or to even talk about other girls--WHY DEAL WITH IT???? i wished i realized this before i decided to go after him--i liked it when i was going after somebody else and he was totally crushing on me!! but now it's like i don't even know him anymore--somebody give me a pillow to scream in!!!!!!!!!! well i told him i'm not going to chase him anymore so if he likes me enough he can chase me--i'm done with little crushes that go no where!!! i want to go back to when i always had chris to make me happy like anytime i wanted to see him he would be there but we had nothing together-like no relationship-we liked each other but i know that if we ever got together things would be totally different and probably defeat the purpose of our original relationship which we both know was only to get ass--we're so rotten to each other--but truth is i had very strong feelings for him and i always wonder if he did for me?!?! i guess i won't ever know--well at least not any time soon...i wonder if i will ever see him again or talk to him at least--hmmm

speaking of chris--the other day--the 25th- was definitely one year since i lost my virginity which so happened to be with him--i definitely miss those days--i was such a rebel haha! syke--but it did get me into trouble... ahh i hate those feelings when you want something and don't know how to get which makes you want it even more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grrr maybe i'll finally figure out a way to make whatever or whichever it is i want--well i'll update you haha

outie--i'll try to keep an update!

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Subject:	--come on, intro-seduce me to your friend!--
Time:	2:02 am.
Mood:	lusting danny.
Music:	janis joplin :: leaving on a jet plane.

okay--my reason for this entry--okay it started as a simple wish but then turned into the best sex story i've ever written ((the only sex story i'd ever written))--danny's in the mountains so what do you expect me to do?

i'm alone at home just sitting on the couch, watching tv, and clenching the remote. danny comes in and we make eye contact. he simply says "hi" and walks over to the old chair next to the couch and i say "hi" and then there was silence. i return to the tv and then immediately turn back to danny's eyes that were still looking at me. he rapidly walks over to me and kisses me so aggressively but still so passionately while i nervously find the power button on the remote. we both indicate it by simply saying hello. we both know we want it.
i am now lying on the couch with danny on top of me still involved in the passionate kiss as we eagerly undress each other. i unbotton his collared shirt and he fiercely pulls his arms through the sleeves bearing his white beater he was wearing underneath. he unzips my Juicy Couture sweater and reveals my laced, baby pink bra. we stop in the heat of the moment, look at each other wide-eyed and he just lets out a breath as he smiles and makes me smile and we instantly go back to our affection. that smile is another indication that i know he wants it and he knows i do too.
my right hand is relaxing on his face feeling the thrusts of his jaw when kissing me. my other hand is cupping his neck and occasionally running my fingers through his hair giving the intense feeling. i run my left hand down his arm that is secure between my body and the couch. i could feel him shaking. he seems nervous but experienced at the same time. it makes me want him even more. his other arm was moving up and down my outer right thigh. he slowly moves his hand on top of my thigh going towards my belt. instead of unbuckling it he moves his hand behind my back bending both of his arms around me and leading my arms to cross around the back of his neck. everything is perfect. the couch is heated to the temperature of our lust for each other.
the phone rings bringing me to reality. danny notices i have stopped kissing and he lowers his tender lips to my neck then to my ear. he whispers the softest words and says "forget the phone, i've got you where i want you." my arms relax again and i caress his back reaching to lift his beater slowly over his soft back. he sat up, still on top of me, and throws his beater off and carlessly throws it next to the couch. he goes for my belt again and unbuckles it with rage and unbottons my new Seven jeans. i thought they looked good on me but i guess he likes them better on the floor. i sit up anxiously and start to unbuckle his belt. danny leans towards me planting his hands on the couch behind me engaging in sexual, soft kissing. we slowly move back to our lying position. i'm still gripping his belt and i rip it from the positioned belt loops and throw it on the floor, probably nowhere near his beater. danny pushes his denim jeans off his feet leaving him in his Tommy Hilfiger boxers.
he crawls back towards my white panties going between my uncrossed, bare, smooth legs moving his way back to my patient lips. his left hand is resting next to my head on the headrest of the couch as his other hand is feeling my left thigh, causing me to tremble and making my whole body tense. i love how someone like him can make my body do those things involuntarily. his hand moves towards my panty line with the softest touch notifying me that he's ready. i am definitely ready like a boy on a rollercoaster for the first time wanting the ride to go before he changed his mind. danny is my rollercoaster.
he moves his hand slowly up my body from my panties to my chin and kisses me so sensously and then he inhales deeply. i feel contact. danny's body is in mine. the thrusts, the breaths, the occasional kisses are all on beat. no pain just his body rubbing against mine with his mouth fightning to stay open. my hands and arms are resting on his back while he keeps the pace. my hands grip his back forming an indentation where my fingers are placed. my right hand slowly moves from gripping his back to cupping his neck.
i close my eyes tightly, this was it, the intense excitement, the height of this sexual arousal. everything that i see as wonderful that has been bottled up inside me is coming out of my mouth now and i can't control it. i'm sharing those wonderful things with danny in this orgasm that his rhythm has caused. we are still breathing deeply until i feel him come in me. tidal waves, tsunamis, and hurricanes can't compare to the intensity of this male orgasm.
danny inhales a deep breath and he moves his lips towards mine and gives me a little kiss and exhales as he moves his hands away from the headrest. he slowly moves his hands along my torso until they are next to his head that has collapsed on my stomach. i close my eyes and think about this sexual moment that has just occurred as i run my fingers through his suprisingly soft hair. we doze off to the sound of my fingernails on his scalp and we sleep until the sun rises.

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Subject:	((welcome this is a farmhouse))
Time:	5:17 pm.
Mood:	curious.
Music:	cake:: short skirt, long jacket.

i spent the night at jess' lastnight and it was the best night i've had in a while with her..we just put everything aside and had a great time...we couldn't stop laughing with each other..she gave me a few books to read..they're really juicy-they're from a series of novels called gossip girl--about a bunch of rich teens in new york who attend prep schools and how they live but mostly "gossip" --i finished the first one in one day but i'm not gonna start reading the other one until i finish my assignment for mr. ferrise! grr..i still have too much hw to do...maybe i should get started tonight.i have nothing better to do..well i wanted to call libbi and go to the mall but i'm sure it can wait cos i really need to get this work done.

i don't have a danny caroline moment :(...he hasn't said anything lately that made me feel something--happy, funny, cute, special--nothing..it's like he's starting to lose interest..hmm..well he's going to the mountains this weekend ((i think)) it's funny how jess tells me and not him...i don't like her talking to any of my friends never have prolly never will--that's how all this her and dave thing started--she just HAD to start talking to dave..grr, she's flirts with every fucking guy--and i know she flirts with danny and the thing is he's not gonna sit there and listen to it he's gonna respond..and i hate how he tells me she's gay and whatnot and how they don't really have this friendship she speaks of and then he talks to her like they are--cos of her...ahhhhhhhhhhh!..he probably wouldn't give her the time of day if she wasn't such a fuckin flirt..it annoys me. but whatever--one day it will come back and slap her in the face. and i hope it slaps her hard--real hard

okayy so i had a good night with her doesn't mean i can't talk shit about her--hence yy i have this journal--nobody's perfect 0:-)

so while i was at her house lastnight we went to bed at like 2:30--well turned the lights out--as she was sound asleep i was still wide awake on the bed next to her. JUST THINKING...i always tend to do that--i get a complete deer-in-headlights look and just think..not try to sleep..i like thinking about stuff late at night--no distractions just silence--any silence i please..so i started thinking--"what if i actually told chris i loved him?".. what if the three words.."i love you" came out of my mouth and into chris' ears--i wondered what he would do..if he felt the same way..if things would have been different...if me and him would still be together...if me and him would still be talking on a daily basis..it just made me realize how much i missed him and if i said those three words would i have to miss him? cos he would still be lying next to me and kissing me and treating me like i was the only girl in the world made for him--BUT it could have been completely opposite and he thought i was crazyy for being in love with him and he would get scared and in a matter of days he would leave me..so in a way i'm kind of glad i didn't say it...but things could have different if i did..hmmm still thinking about it isn't helping haha

but then i started thinking about danny..i'm starting to get attached to him--but not in a crazy stalker girl going after someone she has no chance with kind of thing haha--he's one of my good friends and we both know we want on each other but it hasn't happened yet and i still continue to wonder yy?!?!...i'm kind of scared to see what happens--cos all of this could end up being just some stupid thing that we really didn't want--then it would definitely be weird between us!! grr..i don't know if i would care if we were never together--like going out--i'm so used to us not together that the only thing i know i want is him on top of me and i mean very sexually--he gets his license this month and he tells me we'll chill more when he does but who knows..he better be over when my rents go away for a week in february! that's the one week i can finally stop trying to impress my parents and just go wild...and it helps with boys around hehe...i just want to get sick AGAIN...for the past two years i always end up getting a fever everytime my rents go away and i'm getting sick of it cos people don't want to hang out with me haha--it's sad..last year i wanted to see chris everyday that they were gone--the very first day i had a fever and he didn't want to get sick--the next day i saw him but couldn't see him long but i sneaked in a kiss..I HAD TO!..i would tlak to him everynight but finally me and him couldn't take it and i spent the night with him..had sex and the whole romantic cuddle on the floor together feeling--it was nice but the fact that had mucus clogged up my nose leaving no room for me to breathe didn't help much! hehe..but hopefully this year will be better...

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Blurty for ((c.a.r.o.l.i.n.e)).

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