d's Journal

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

12:39AM - la la la

Im so sleepy...

albert is at band practice, he said they would be out late. i will have to go to sleep soon all alone. its so strange. My eyes are really dry. We have NO money until thursday. stupid paying bills... so basically i had nine dollars on me and we have 12 in our account and we had no food so we went to the grociery story and bought to loaves of bread, chicken bologne, 2 2ltrs of Publix brand Cola and Cherry Cola and a can of Vegetarian Baked Beans. It cost under 7 dollars which I felt was impressive. We can have sandwiches for the next few days until we have money to do some more serious shopping. i like sandwiches

Well moo is trying to tunnel under the door so i have to return to the other room.

we might go to Anna Maria's beach with Jamie and Eddie. Her aunt and uncle have a beach house there....

sweet sauce

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Monday, June 14, 2004

6:57PM - subject to your approval

having money, not having money, having money, not having money... this is the story of mylife. im so broke. it sucks ass.

yesterday i went out with Andrea. We went shopping and stuff. I had a good time. Indulged in girl talk. Maybe when i get more money towards the end of the month we can go shopping again and i can actually buy stuff.
It's been awhile since i did that.

im talking to carlos right now. its so great to talk to him. its been a long while. talking about the wedding and stuff... oh my... so excited. im thinking of going with ivory and wine red as our colors. apparently we need colors... ahhh so much i dont know.

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Saturday, June 5, 2004

12:01AM - a place to call my own

i had a fairly decent day today. kinda felt like it was never going to end, at least work did, but now im home.

home. where my little family is. albert, moo, joon, beni, and jacob. he called us a family the other day. for some reason i was touched.

i made food today. mmm... bbq chicken, corn, potatos augratin...yummmm

"the drummer" said he liked good charlotte... but other than that he was cool and very nice. what? im sorry, i just hate good charlotte, i want to kick the lead singer for some reason. i don't know, he just irritates the hell out of me..... whine whine whine bitch moan complain....

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Wednesday, June 2, 2004

10:58PM - thats what he said about her

there is nothing beautiful in her eyes now
whatever it was I saw before
i can no longer find
is it because ive lost all desire to see it
or because it was never really there in the first place?

i don't expect an answer, said wearily
bleak thoughts
the ashy skin of tired hands cupping
a heavy head
a heavy heart

.there is nothing he wants to remember.

tell me
what does it feel like to be somebody else's wasted time?

by d (thats me)

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Friday, May 14, 2004

6:41PM - i wont sell you a smile today

i miss her again all out of nowhere and it's pissing me off. I dont even know why, i dont know if we were close friends or what we were, aquaintances, someone she just put up with ... we were doing this psychology thing and one of the questions i answered her and the psychological meaning behind it was that she was someone i worshipped from afar but who was not interested in me... well worship is going a little far. i just miss her and am really really really sad.hurt.confused? that she doesn't give a shit about me... never did as far as i know....

she gave me a halmark card the first time i went to the gynocologist, it was amusing. scratched out something in the card and replaced it with OBGYN and it actually made sense... funny

i thinka bout emailing her but i don't want to be rejected... i think about her and it makes me sad.

i miss her. and that makes me mad.

/////i didn't really mean for that to rhyme it just ended up that way.

Current mood: aggravated
Current music: i am color blind coffee black and egg white...counting crows
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Thursday, May 13, 2004

5:18PM - []if i could be who you wanted....all the time....[]

i feel really drained right now. i think i am in serious need of a nap.

I miss Hiroko like crazy right now. I have no close female friends here. I want someone to talk to, someone who gets me, loves me and understands my quirks, sense of humor, and oddities. But that is female. It's just different, having a "best friend" that's a girl. Albert is my best friend, we love we laugh we have fun we talk we can be serious we enjoy the same things, but a girl girl best friend for a girl is just... special. i don't know. i just miss Hiroko. I was thinking today of all the different "best friends" i've had and how different i was in each relationship. I was completely different person when I was friends with Kristen, someone i really don't like. the same with Liz. Then there was Harmoni, I was too young to really have a "true" self but we had fun together, though i was horridly insecure due to the fact that she seemed to outshine me in every way. It sucks when people talk to you so they can get to know your best friend. eh... anyway then there was Cori... special, she was reallys special, caring yet insecure. i felt like I was supporting her through her insecurities, yet also we had so much fun together and laughed almost constantly. then there was Olivia. I really masked a lot of my self from her. I tried to be the person i thought she would need and I suppose it a way it worked, except i wasn't happy. I mean, basically i was happy and we did always have a good time together, but in reflection i was too...i don't know. in an odd parental role. I wouldn't change the fact that I'm not really a party person or drinker or the fact that I have no desire to try drugs or experiment or whatever, but at the same time I would like to change the fact that with her, I felt like it wasn't okay that I didn't like these things and thus i felt constantly judgemental and like i was annoying her, like some weird parent figure or something. now with hiroko, i can just be myself. say what i want. do what i want. enjoy the things i enjoy. she's the most non judgemental person i've ever met. i really love her. she's just.... really important to me.

The other day she was saying that her Lupus was affecting her white blood cells and that they were really low and i suddenly thought of the fact that she might die sooner than....expected? I don't know, just that...i felt so scared that I would lose her. that i'd be standing at her funeral before i was thirty and i just couldn't take it.

i need her to come out here. i need to see her. i need to spend as much time with her as possible. i want her to know how much i love her. how she'll always be so incredibly special to me...


Current mood: sad
Current music: radiohead
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Tuesday, May 11, 2004

6:27PM - chocolate chip cookies

Quote of the day:

"I'll really like you if you let me put it in..."


work sucked. i felt like i was going in slow motion. sloooow motion...

my boyfriend slapped a man's ass today and then the man tried to kiss him... should i be concerned? well, at least the guy is cute...

my brain hurts.


im sleepy. i don't know what im talking about.

Jacob is happier today because his ex girlfriend is starting to forgive him? hopefully? i think so. she sent him an IM even though he was away so it would be there when he got back. i thought that was pretty sweet. he said she said she might come visit him soon in the summer. he is very exicted about that. i hope we can be friends. i hope she likes me. heh how pathetic and sad do i sound? i just know that if she and i get along then things will be easier for jacob when she visits and that is good. plus i could use all the friends around here i can get. it can be so lonely in this state.

my grandmother went to the doctor today to hear about dialisis. she only has a very little bit of her kidneys left. makes me so sad. kind of sick inside. i don't want her to die. i know its a natural part of life, birth and death, but im still....nervous. sad. i don't want to face it. i want to run away and hide from everything. from the thought of losing her.

im starved.... so hungry....


how random

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Sunday, May 9, 2004

1:05AM - yaaaaaaay

im engaged!!!!




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Wednesday, May 5, 2004

11:03PM - stupid stupid stupid

you ever say something and wish you could take it back? im never taking any risks again.

i feel so rejected.

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Tuesday, May 4, 2004

11:31PM - slow slow day

the day was so slow. all i thought about the whole time was coming home and sleeping. in fact thats what i think about for a good part of most of my days. when i got home jacob hadn't left yet, he sung a couple of songs and he has a good sound to his voice. i enjoy listening to him sing. he has some serious body hair issues. he hates body hair. he should be a swimmer or something that way he could shave hsi whole body and not seem like a weirdo. as it is, he tried to trim his leg hair which i find extremely odd, but to each his own. jake doesn' t like hair or a lot of things. i don't know how he's managed to find any girls that meet his expectations, his seemingly impossible ideas of perfection. i just picture this girl in my head, five feet tall weighing in at 98 lbs with long pretty hair boobs no body hair what so ever who also enjoys music, is brilliant, sweet and more understanding than jesus. so... yeah... good luck with that one. the perfect woman. ugh how insulting.
heh i've come to realize that i have this annoying habit of listening, i mean really listening when others describe things they find attractive or unattractive and i've come to the conclusion that jacob and andrea and about 97 % of the population must think i am the single most unattractive person they've ever met. im fat, hairy with brown hair and brown eyes. i don't go to college i have no musical ability. i'm crude. i have mental problems... hehe... Its just depressing to think that no one has ever met you, straight off, right off the bat and thought, damn...she's fucking hot. and maybe it sounds pathetic, but i would like that every once in awhile. i would like to be introduced to someone or meet one of alberts co workers or friends and for once not look in their eyes and figure the first thing they are thinking is "what is he doing with her?" or "she must have a really nice personality because other than that... what would albert be doing with her?" "maybe she's rich..." "she must be really good in bed..." Which for the record i am. but the point is, i don't know what the point is... i'm not sexy. i'll never be sexy. the best i can ever hope for being called is "cute" she's so cute. half the time i don't have a name, im just known as "alberts girlfriend".

why can't i be sexy?

or in the words of margaret cho "why cant I be skinny like the friends?!?!? I WANT TO BE SKINNY LIKE THE FRIENDS!!"

hah... she's funny....

ugh...fat fat fat ugly ugly ugly.... even if i lost weight i'd still be ... me

i feel heavy again... in more ways than fat...

im so depressed all of a sudden...well actually ive been depressed all day but no one asked me how i was doing. nobody notices. why should anyone care if im sad? i've got problems, im always sad so what does it matter now? i'd still be sad and depressed even if someone did notice, but the fact is i would have felt like i was cared about, like i mattered, and sometimes that really helps... to know someone cares about you, about how you feel, about your happiness....

all i could think about was sleep and albert. so now im going to go sleep with albert. maybe he can chase away the sadness with some hardcore, push me on my knees and slap me in the ass sex... jacobs not here so i could be as loud as i wanted.....

man i've talked about sex in this diary and in other diaries in the past couple of months then ive ever talked about sex in my life. its on my mind a lot lately. i think ive hit some kind of weird sexual peak... i need albert all the time... i need a female friend, someone i can talk to about sweet sweet lovin... why don't i have any female friends?

why the hell am i still typing when i could be having the aforementioned psuh me on the knees slap me in the ass sex?

Current mood: to many emotions to count
Current music: Motorcycle Driveby by 3rd Eye Blind
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Sunday, May 2, 2004

3:43PM - at home watching romantic comedies

I watched the truth about cats and dogs today. this is a movie i can relate to. not to be arrogant and say i have a great personality but i dont' totally suck. Of course, i dont' think uma turman is that super attractive anyway. she just has something secretive about her eyes that i enjoy.

we went to this coffee shop and watched jacob perform the other day. not very many people were listening which i thought was rude, until i realized that i didn't really listen to anyone else that i didn't know so.... i guess people are just being people. but he sounded good. he has a good voice and an ear for music. andrea went with us and came home with us afterwards. i don't know how such a beautiful girl can be so insecure. she really should stop worrying about hte outside of herself and people and focus on the inside. she is sweet, but she allows people to take advantage of her which i think is the true reason behind her seemingly low self esteem. how can you be proud of yourself when you allow others to step all over you? She needs to stand up for herself more, own her confidence and tell herself, Im beautifull, I'm sexy and fuck it if others don't see that. i have nmore to offer than just my body too. peopel shouldn't think thats all thats good about them and be satisfied with that. I don't know what im saying or trying to say. i just think she could be an amazing person... anyway, she talks a whole hell of a lot, but sitting in the silence of the apartment right now, i wish she was here to fill these walls with the energy of someone who has not lost hope that the world can be a better place.

someone not like me.

i gave her my cell number, but i don't think she'll call.

i have to go to work tomorrow and that sucks. well it sucks and then it doesn't. i guess it's fine either way. work money work money.

albert got his guitar today. it's really beautiful. gibson sg or something like that. its wine red. very nice.

last night i got pissed at him and he was acting all cranky. all i could think of in the car while we were driving in silence over to my parents house was what if we got in a horrible accident and the last thing i said to him had been that he was acting like an ass. ? but my pride and my anger kept me silent. i should have let go of it sooner, but its hard for me sometimes. we got there and skirted around each other and then the hard line of my shoulds and the rerelenting path of my spine softened towards him. i leaned against him and he whispered he was sorry. and i was sorry too. when we got home it was as if we hadn't argued. we giggled a little, he took a shower while i put cream on my face and readied for bed. then we lay together with the candle light illuminating the planes of our skin and made love. there is something incomprehensibly beautiful about alberts skin. his shoulders, his collar bone, the perfect way they meet. i remember looking up once as he was making love to me, staring up at the curve of his neck and his hair in his face and i began to cry. He looked like an angel. i could almost see wings spread out above me and the intense emotions he is able to coax from my body and skin are overwhelming. he had to understand how beautiful he was and so i told him and he listened, swallowed the emotion that welled up in his throat and kissed away my tears. my skin looks more beautiful nextg to his skin, my body more beautiful when it is connected with his. these are simple truths. my soul, his soul. and all that we are is lost in the simplicity of touch. the complexity of he and i become we then becoming one.

Current mood: enthralled
Current music: counting crows
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Thursday, April 29, 2004

6:37PM - rambling thoughts

i like the word antiquated. i don't know why, i just do.
I don't really know why I just thought of that, i just did.


albert and i were talking last night, before for we fell into sleep. i was remembering when we first start dating and how hard it was and yet easy at the same time. I asked how he felt when I had my psycho mental break down and how he never really talked about himself. I remember him being there for me and i remember thinking he deserved someone "not so craazy". He said it was really hard to stay, especially when I told him to leave. He thought maybe it would be better if he did leave, but that somehow he just couldn't get himself to truly believe that things would be better apart. He said it would have been so much easier to run away and that he wanted to, but he was stubborn and stayed and that it was a good thing to, because we still have each other.

he asked me about when he was all weird and thought he wanted to break up with me somewhere near the end of hte first year we were dating. he asked why it worked out. I remember how painfull it was at the time, but i remember thinking that maybe albert didn't have it all figured out yet, maybe was confused. love is a confusing thing. and shouldn't we be allowed to make mistakes? Its hard when such heavy feelings are involved, but at the same time, the fact that your feelings can be so hurt, that fact that it hurts so much, is kind of like a testimony to how much you really care about the person. I dont' know, i just remember that afterwards i was bitter but then I thought about the fact that nobody is perfect, everyone makes mistakes and that if i wanted to go forward in my relationship i just had to let go. he wanted to break up with me even though nothing was wrong, even though i did everything right, because he didn't know if he could handle it. and thats okay, because sometimes i don't know if i can handle it. if you really love someone shouldn't you work it out. isn't it worth working out? So i had to let go of that pain and that bitterness because it the end you gain nothing from holding on to it. I remember that as a definate turning point in the relationship, the moment when the glass bubble popped and it ceased to be a crush puppy love sort of thing and more real. when i realized i was willing to let go of my pride to try and understand him and his feelings. when i realized i was willing to let go of my pride and do anything to get him to stay with me and after that, when i was able to let go of the bitter taste of swallowing my pride. when i was able to let go of those feelings of self hatred iwas doing something swore i never would do, and that was beg for someone to stay with me. to not leave me. I was going to use my body to get him to stay, i remember kissing him, kissing down his body and crying the whole time. And i remember how painfull it was, yet the relief i felt when he finally stopped me, when he finally realized what i was doing. when my tears hit his bare skin.

we've both hurt each other but we've both given each other so much comfort and joy. when we have a problem we talk to each other, even when its hard to tell each other the truth, we do. we're honest about our feelings. and neither of us wants the other to be sad, or hurt, or unhappy. if two people are working towards the same goal - each other's happiness, it just seems like things should go right, you know?

im so afraid of losing him sometimes i can't breathe. where would i be without him? sometimes i hate that loss of identity, the knowledge that if something happened to him i would lose myself for awhile, or maybe forever.

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5:41PM - ...............

i dont' think im a beautiful person. i think i have beautiful intentions sometimes, but that they, like me, fall short of that goal. selfishness clouded in the mirage of selflessness, does anyone ever do anything completely unmotivated by self satisfaction? is that even possible? "doing something for others makes me feel happy" thus aren't you really doing it for yourself? Is that bad or good? It seems selfish but... i dont know... even when you say you are doing something for someone's own good your own personal motivations are coming into play, you aredoing something for yourself whether you admit it, realize it, or not. am i a selfish person, i'd like to think im not but...

i'll definately admit to self indulgence.

i wanted to be a beautiful person, but i don't think i ever will be.

the inability to achieve this goal is solely my own fault.

that is unfortunate and depressing. the fact that analyzing this and attempting to become a better person will not be the end result of all of this thinking is pathetic.

instead of being and doing better i will sit and feel depressed. instead of moving towards acheiving that goal i will do what is easiest.

i will do nothing.

i know that i don't want to be that person anymore, that person who does what is easiest, that person that does nothing. i have goals, i may not have a real dream, like a future dream, but i have goals that i want to achieve. why can't i get up off my lazy ass and do them? and why am i so so so damn tired all the time...?

do i seem okay to you? do you look at me and think that everything is fine?

I feel like screaming sometimes.

lately i can't get over >it<

i wish things good be different. i wish i didn't have so much >shame

Current mood: contemplative
Current music: mars volta "this is forever"
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Tuesday, April 27, 2004

5:40PM - goals

so, i wrote a list yesterday of things i wanted to accomplish. things i should start doing with my life, starting today, so that it would be more organized and less depressing. So far i have accomplished exactly zero of these things... it doesn't look as if i will get started today which is...depressing.

Im starting to think it would have been better not to make the list in the first place. or actually, better if i really TRIED to motivate myself into doing the list of goals i set out to achieve. Like cleaning the apartment, getting my bills into order and working out. All three of these things are completely craptacular things to do, thus the reason for my hesitation. of course, even if they had been fun, like "eat a bag of cookies", i probably wouldn't have done that if it required walking and or moving from the couch or chair which i am currently sitting.

i think next time i shall include, "spend evening sitting on couch in a vegetative state" to my list. that way i will feel as if I accomplished at least ONE of my goals.

oh yeah, there was a fourth thing on the list, albert added "Have sex every night" to the list... well, i started my period so i guess we won't tackle that one this week either...

stupid period. it's bad enough that its crampy and painfull, but it interrupts what could be a very satisfying lovelife.

it's not that im a huge nympho, im just a huge nympho for him... its kind of like being a lady all the time but having like a hidden slutty ho inside of you just waiting for the right man to wake her up. Yeah, so that isn't something ive ever discussed with anyone, but... i don't think anyone i know reads this anyway and even if they do well... now they have some new and probably undesired information about me.


Current mood: lethargic
Current music: sinatra
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Monday, April 26, 2004

2:13AM - blah...blah...blahblah blahdie blah

you look at me like i know something of paradise
well ive never been there but the view sure is nice....

i wrote that yesterday and now im thinking i might have heard it somewhere a long time ago and forgot and then wrote and then thought it was original... how do i know? i don't know.... that sucks.

mmm the coffee is ready...sweet sweet coffee...

we went out to dinner last night. it was tasty. i've noticed that im not eating as much as i used to... this is a good thing. i would really like to lose like ... um... a lot of weight as I am a little on the chubbier side and that is being nice. man, speaking of fat, jacob seems to think all these really skinny girls are fat...or not exactly fat but "have tummies"... man, he must think im the fattest person he knows then...considering... i don't know why that matters but it does... oh well i suppose you just want people to think you aren't a complete cow even when you are... don't i hide it well... this insecurity? no not really. ahh so insecure... and so so chubby...

albert thinks im beautiful though, for some reason. he finds me attractive. i think it's the boobs. it has to be, they are a more positive feature to being overweight. they've gotten bigger too which means i am definately fatter. they are like double d's now... when did that happen? i was settled at a nice D cup since like... the eighth grade... now im a double d. impressive... heh... i like boobs i can be such a lesbian sometimes... *sigh* ah well

imrambling i know... ramble ramble

i want to see the sunset in a different sky

the ants in florida bite! how sucktacular is that...

i have absolutely nothing of interest to write about and typing on this STOOOPID laptop is slightly difficult.

albert is playing on the guitar... it sounds so emotional whatever he is playing right now. i like it when people really strike the damn strings hard. it just makes me all tingly inside... tee hee

he wrote me a song once and now doesn't remember it. how sad is that.... he can play every radiohead song ever written and can't remember a song he wrote for me...

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Saturday, April 24, 2004

10:00PM - and so it was...

Hey... i just noticed that the clock says 10 pm when it is really 10 am and thus that previous journal entry wa done in the future... um... yeah, actually it was done in the morning so this is also the morning despite the pm...i could change it but...im to lazy...

so i realized the other day that i have this super annoying habit of want to provide for others everything they want. yeah, im that person. the stupid one who gets taken advantage of. the one people think are sad and pathetic. yeah thats me.

i can't help it. i jsut want people to have the things they want. to have the things that will make them happy. whats havnig a little money when you can make someone else get the thigns they want. i just... i don't know, albert wants a guitar and i want him to have it. he wanted to go to that fancy concert and i wanted so bad to provide that for him. jacob wants a mac and i wish i had the money to give him. i jsut want people to be happy... but you know that will just slap mein hte face... like linda wnated to see linzee so i gave her money for plane tickets. and i dont' think she gave a shit about me then and i don't think she gives a shit about me now. so why did i do it? why am i so pathetic. like ... i jsut want my friends and the people i love to get the things they want...

ahh im so pathetic...pathetic...

i dont' even have any dreams of my own..
that is one of the saddest things ive ever written.

its true... i don't have any dreams that are just bonifide only me dreams.... i have dreams of other people fullfilling their dreams... i jsut want people to be happy.

i really want albert to do his music thing. i want him to make music. im so afraid he is going to wake up forty one day and be full of regret. i want my cousin not to stress out so much about stuff, i want him to be happy and to relax and know what its like to be in love. i want my dad to get a job and be happy at it so he and my mom will stop fighting and they'll have money to do those nice little things they lvoe to do liek go gambling and such... i want my aunt to be happy like she used to be...i want papa to relax unwind and laugh like he used to... i want jake not to look so lonely...i want karl and hiroko to get the feeling of independence and freedom they desire... i just want the people around me to be happy...

and now i just want to shut up because i fucking talk too much

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9:25PM - shame

so i suppose i can admit that i miss judged someone. i suppose. i mean, there were no attempted conversions when albert went to dinner last night, but...maybe hes just biding his time. i don't trust those sneaky relgious folk...yes sneaky, pridefull, arrogant, in direct contrast to what their religion teaches. hmmm....

speaking of albert at dinner, he didn't come home til like 1 am and it made me worry because he didn't call. maybe i seem like a psycho but he said at like ten thirty that he would be home in a "LITTLE BIT" what kind of a little bit is 2 and a half hours? yeah... well, he could have at least called if he was going to watch that movie. All ic an think about is that hes in a car accident or something and i sit and stress out. loook, im sorry i have anxiety attacks and that my crazy brain jumps to the worst possible conclusion but it does.... so if he is going to be with me he just has to take into consideration my seemingly uncurable moments of freak out and just freakin call when he is going to be late.

Anyway, i got to leave work early which was pretty damn cool. it made the whole day good. better. yaay no work. i went grociery shopping with jacob. man, don't deny that man his juice and alfredo...it isn't pretty. Heh 4:52 was cookie time. there is nothing quite like having a roommate who shares your adoration for cookies. Then we went to celebration. its so pretty there. but i don't know about his friends girlfriend. she was smart and everything but sometimes people can say the stupidest shit. she said something about how michael jackson, how it shouldn't matter if he molested those children because hes done so much good in the world or something. was she serious? i don't know. I really don't think she understands. What the hell? It's okay to molest children if you're a good person who does good things? I don't think so. I don't care if its mother theresa or ghandi or.... who cares, you molest children and you should just be shot in the damn head. God i wanted to screamat her. but i generally try not to scream at people i don't know that well. i don't know, maybe those are the people you should scream at...heh... anyway, it's just.... you can't make that kind of a statement if you've ever known the shame... such shame... and it doesn't go away it doesn't leave it's jsut there constantly...this feeling of shame. and micheal jackson did that (allegedly as we do have a "justice" system) to those kids, if he made them feel that shame.... fuck him. he could cure fuckin cancer, i don't care, you molest a kid you should be shot.... in the dick... well, first we'd have to get the cure for cancer from him...then shoot him. that should just BE the law in the US Molest a kid = death by shot in the dick or shot until dead i guess if you were a woman you'd be shot....in the ... tit? i don't know, somehwere.... shot until dead.... rape a person, shot until dead.... just bam dead... but make it slow...

God im blood thirsty huh...

and what a bitch for making me dwell on past issues. i know she didn't know but still... god who does know. like three or four people.... and we all do our best to pretend i never said anything...pretend it never happened. And thats whats been happening all my life. it works for me... it didn't happenitididn'thappen...it didn't...didn't happen...

craP... time to talk about other things...

so we came home from celebration and then i sat and bugged jacob while he played poker, at least he was too nice to say "go away, im playing poker!" and i was to selfish to go away on my own. and he says he's a mean person.... well... he let me bug him so..

Current mood: cranky
Current music: the crossroads..."and im gonna miss everybody"
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Thursday, April 22, 2004

6:34AM - la ti da

We have a room mate now! You would think I wouldn't be excited over this fact considering how some of our last roommates sucked ass, BUT this roommate is not an angry lesbian or a drunk OR a drug addict or even a smoker, so that is a lot of pluses in his corner. Not to mention he's funny and Albert likes him. It's good when Albert likes someone it usually means they are worthwhile people. That sounded so arrogant, didn't it? Like I have any say over who is worthwhile... anyway, I meant worthwhile to me and so yeah... anyway, are new roommate rocks but Im worried he is going to die from our cats. I wouldn't put it passed Joon to murder him in his sleep. She's an evil cat.

My brother is coming home to visit soon. May 5th he gets here. I guess I should be excited but im not really. I mean, Im happy for my grandparents because they haven't seen him in like five years and im happy for my mom because i know she misses him, but at the same time, I'm not too excited that he's coming to visit. Maybe I should feel guilty about that, but I don't. Hell it's probably the one thing in life i don't feel guilty for. But I don't know, my brother is kind of a touchy subject with me. Like I don't let on to anyone else, especially i my family, except for albert, but it really is a touchy subject. I dont' feel like that brohter sister connection with him that I think I should feel and that i've always wanted to feel. I guess being .... hurt by someone so many times takes away that trust . I know i don't like him around me> I don't feel comfortable. Hard to breathe... *sigh* i guess we all have our hidden feelings. Maybe it's why i always look to my male friends for a brother like relationship. Like Karl or Paul. I think of them as brothers. Chad was like a brother too I guess. You can't hold someone while they cry and pour out their soul to you and not feel close to them. and me and chad did alot of soul searching in the wee hours of the morning, telling eachother all our hidden little secrets and shit like that. all our fears and doubts. He was a good friend. I miss him.

See i miss him more than I miss my brother. Im just not excited to see him. Its been like a year since i saw him last and Ill probably be more excited to see jacob when he gets home from work then to see my own brother. I see Albert everyday and I still get super excited when he comes home from work. Chris is jsut... he's comming hom and thats it.

oy, im sleepy.

im always sleepy... heh


Current mood: contemplative
Current music: perfect circle
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Saturday, March 13, 2004

3:07AM - it's to early in the morning for rational thought

Ever wonder what deaf/blind people who have been deaf/blind since birth think in? Like we think in words and colors, shapes, pictures, even sounds... what are their thoughts like? They've never seen color, shape, heard sound...i always wonder about this.

can anyone tell me why they have brail on the ATM machines...there is no brail on the screen, so how do they know what the buttons stand for? hmm...maybe they memerize it or something... i would think it'd be dangerous for a blind person to go to the bank by themselves... maybe it's just so they can type in their secret code and no one else can know...but how would they know that the person they're trusting to help them get out money isn't watching them type in their code...i guess they wouldn't trust them to help, would they?

what a rambling bit of thought...hmm.

Current mood: contemplative
Current music: elton john (don't laugh) "someone saved my life tonight"
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2:00AM - gray morning

i want the colors to be alive again.

seemed like a few years ago they were always living. i saw them, felt them, felt everything. now i feel...burnt out. i got so tired of feeling so much. now i miss it. im never happy. never satisfied. always want what i had what i haven't had, what i have becomes what i wanted... except, for him. i always want him near. constant, comforting. making things come alive.

there should be more though, shouldn't there? when did i become so dependent. and if he leaves? where will that leave me? in a colorless world? unfeeling. alone. empty. blank. there hasn't been a day without his voice in four years...

and if one should come....



should i recapture the essence of my freedom? my independence? is that even possible now?

why do i feel like to gain one i would have to give up the other? why must i do things to extremes...where is my middle ground?

.................yawn............don't wake me when i'm dreaming....................

Current mood: melancholy
Current music: ladies and gentlemen we are floating in outer space
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