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Friday, September 24th, 2004
6:50 pm
You're a "Red Angel" and just because
it's red doesn't mean blood or something.
Actually, it stands for an angel in love.
You're obsessed with one person and can't get
your mind off them and it's eating you away a
little. You'd do anything for them and wait
patiently for the day they return the feelings.
You're a hopeless romantic and little things
like roses and hugs charm you. You're very
affectionate but you're shy. You're afraid of
getting rejected. Think if it this way, the
brave may not live forever but the catious
never live at all. Don't be afraid to show your
feelings. (If you cannot see the picture, go to
my homepage and scroll down near the bottom. I
have the results from all my quizess that have

What Color Angel Are You? (PICS)
brought to you by Quizilla

You're a Winter. You very much enjoy your time
alone but do like other people's company
sometimes. You just need your space. You have a
few priviledged friends who saw past your
colder exterior to find the true you. You can
have pretty bad mood swings (though you hate to
admit it) so you could be soft one second then
storming around the next! But over all, you're
a very pleasant person once people take the
time to get to know you. You're a good friend
for in-depth talks. You're very talanted when
it comes to creative things.

What season are you? (pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

ex angel
You're like an angel. As everyone knows, angels
dwell in heaven. They were desribed as shining
ones wearing white and the idea that they have
wings is believed as well. Guardian angels are
the ones that many people think are dead loved
ones who try to protect the living friends or
family they have on Earth. They usually had
blonde hair and maybe brown with flawless
appearance and sweet dispositions. They were
cheerful, hopefull, selfless, loving, and kind.
Angels are the one mystical creature that a
majority of people truly believe in. Encounters
with angels are poping up all over the world
and reassuring people's beliefs in angels. (If
you cannot see the picture, go to my userpage
and look near the bottom. There should be the
picture and description for all the results)

What Mystical Creature Are You? (Pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

(Take off my party dress)

Thursday, September 23rd, 2004
9:45 pm - I feel so much, i'm numb.
All nite i've been itching to bare my soul to my journal, and thus, internetland. So tonite Lexi left to go see her ex boytoy. I forget his name. Oh ya shane. I hope she has a good time and they get back together and they are very happy together. I'm not even being sarcastic lol. She deserves a satisfying relationship. So, lost without lexi, i went out for a drive to reflect on my thoughts and my life and also to get some food. I ended up at Barnes and Noble, mostly to get coffee and sit and read Maxim, Blender, Stuff, and Spin without having to actually buy them. Then I went to Wegmans to try'n find something I could eat. Low carb is rather restrictive, but i'm too happy with the results to quit.....ever. But this is besides the point. I felt so solitary. It made me realize how much I feel lonely and lost a lot of the time. I push people away too much. I've been scared to get too close to people lately because of how unstable I feel health wise. It's gotten to the ponit where i'm amazed if i actually feel ok. Then I got to thinking about how much i always gripe about wanting a boyfriend. I am only wanting one to cure my lonleyness? I am looking for another half because I don't feel whole. Ever since I started back at le moyne....i've felt very hollow inside. Yes I connect well with my friends, but i dont feel as close to anyone as i used to. I feel like they can see through me. Like they liked the way I used to be and not who i am now. I don't know how to be anything else. I try. I try to be fun and i used to be. Don't get me wrong, i dont feel this way all the time. Just a lot of the time. I feel so stressed about all the work i have to do. Yet all this academic challenge takes my mind off my sorrow. It puts it to the back of my mind, sometimes. Maybe if I pick a goal and drive myself, i can feel more focused and less like a wanderer. The thing is, though, I am not very bright. I'm really not. I'm good with history and I hope I will be a good teacher. But i see myself where I am and I see the path that I need to be a teacher, and I wonder if I have the strenght to get there. I can barely get through a day. I'm serious. Sometimes when i'm walking to class, I get so weak and tired that I have to lean on things and wonder if I can make it to my destination. I went to the doctors on wedneday and got some blood taken. I have to go back soon for results. I don't think that it's dietary. It might be though. I eat a lot, but on this diet i've lost a bajillion pounds and I'm still loosing. My butt feels bony when I sit on it. I eat practically every 3 hours tho. Whatever. So here's my biggest thing lately. Theirs this guy that i dig. Very much. I think he likes me to. I can't tell though. I think he does. But anyway, he has a girlfriend. We've got to be pretty good friends and he's all funny and cute and charming and I'll get mad at him because I want him and he's taken. Doesn't he realize how good we'd be together? Doesn't he realize the dirty things i'd do to him? How great could his girlfriend be? *sigh* guys just arent interested in me. I wonder why. I've lost like 38479204793208 pounds, so my body's not bad. I think i'm ok looking. I have NO boobs. Could that be it? My stomach is a tad bit gushy still too. Ok, so i'm not the perfect physical specimin. It's prolly my persoality too. What about my personailty? Could it be the airport terminal full of baggage? Could it be that I let them use me as a doormat? Well, that was just scotty. I think it's good thats over. I mean, it hurts to be alone, but everyday I was "with" him, he broke my heart and i'd ache when i wouldent hear from him. He made me feel terrible. Like a drug like a drug like a drug. OK i've lost it. I think it's better not being with him and having some dignity then being with someone and being blatantly used. Whatever. I wish that if you wished hard enough, you could get what you want. *this is me wishing really hard* OK so i don't know what else to say. Could I have said it all? Possibly.

current mood: envious
current music: Something To Believe in- Offspring

(Take off my party dress)

Wednesday, September 22nd, 2004
12:34 am - renegades
Hey blurty! Today kinda blew cuz of the 4 classes and all, but when i was dun, aimee and i went to the salvation army and i found 4 pair of couderoy pants for 16 bucks! Ones a size four! I fit into a size four!! HELL YA! So anyway, did i mention the A- on my first history paper? Only 3 A's in my class!! Oh ya! I rule! If i mentioned that before, it's because i am very proud of it. Anyway, i bought mean girls and we went to kris' to watch it tonite. It's such a great movie. I'm very tired now tho, so good nite.

(Take off my party dress)

Sunday, September 19th, 2004
11:39 pm - So sexy almost evil
OK if everything you write in your away message/profile has ;-) after it, you're not cute, you're NOT sexy, you're not funny, YOU ARE lame. If you think putting ;-) in your profile makes people think you're actually doing something cool, dangerous, sexy, fun, we know you're not because you're a LOSER.
Ha! You're not fooling anyone! In fact, we're laughing at you this very minute!
Ha that felt great! But honestly, am I not right folks??? You know you've all wanted to say that, but you dont have to! I just said it for you! You're welcome!
So anyway, life has been awsum lately! No longer do i feel like little miss misery. Could it be friends? family? lithium? Yes!
Friday was a little thing i like to call Suite Party. First we went to applebees- i used to associate applebees with losers because thats where people in my highschool used to like to go, but now that my friends and i went, it's been redeemed with coolness and such. Then we came back and well, such began a night of merriment, asshole, spinning, cottage cheese, firedrills and other such festivities. Yes, it ended with me looking at cottage cheese a slightly different way and getting sad and swearing off men forever and all time. Ahh let us not forget the midnight firedrill where a very drunken Foery hall stumbled out into the quad and chanted "FOERY FOERY" in the rain. I had to go to class the next morning. Yes on a saturday, bastard. I went with a blazing headache because yes, i fell out of bed. Litereally. On my head. and yes, it hurt. And i probably deserve it for being such a blazing arse. But ayway, i worked with a really cool girl, liz, on lesson planning things and such. Liz is gorgeous. Model beautiful. And funny and nice as hell. Does it sound like i have a crush?? I'm wondering that myself. Perhaps more admiration, i hope. For i want to be model beautiful, funny, nice, and smart. But as for me, i am just model beautiful. *sigh* What a tragic life. Anyway, i dont remember what happend from when i left to class to when we started drinking again. Oh ya, we went to get stuff to mix drinks with. At 7pm. Lol. We are considering chaning our name to Suite Alcoholism. We got an offer to go bowling, but suite alcohol called our name and drunkeness was our destiny. So it was mixed drinks from 7-11 then came the shots. Oh Lord, the shots....kicked my ass. The spins revisited and said hello. Sad bitterness called my name and anger against Scott surged. ASSSSSSSSSSSSHOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLEEE. But in his defense, he told me many times that he was an asshole. That he was unreliable. He also told me many times that I was stupid, worthless, blah blah blah. Signs of a bad relationship? Perhaps the stupid thing isant that off the mark.... So anyway, i woke up possibly around 11 with a wish to die and never ever wake up and see the sun again. Taking great care not to fall out of bed, i fell out of bed. With a good possibility that i was still drunk, i headed off to scrounge for food. I actually did some work and cleaned the room. My how responsible i am! I headed off to meet mommy for a fantabulous day of lunch and shopping! I picked her up at our fabulous home in the Hollywood hills and i whisked her away in my fabulous Jag to the spectacular....friendlys? Well, i spent all my money on the jag. Anyway, we did much gossip and maw lo gabbin. We did some mall walking, even tho the mall if Klingon for Loser. I got a kickass Halloween shirt because Halloween is the holiday of winners- me. We went to weggies where we got me stunning food supply to keep me up and running on the south beach diet- how i maintain this gorgeous bod. We also got me a wonderful array of lotions and potions to keep this skin clear and silky smooth. Then sadly, it was time for me to take my leave of my anglic maw and head back to the barbie beach house that is my life. I got to dinner just in time to catch the glamourous Lexi, Lauren, and Dan trio. Then, i had to work on my intellect by reading "What is History" by Barbara Carr for my history class tomorrow. Aimee walking into lexi's room to see me, lauren and lexi all reading books and proceeded to get scared and run away thnking she was in the twilight zone. Tomorrow, i'm sure will be all the more delightful for i will be sexy and see the boy that I dig more than dog with a porkchop. I love you all and God bless!

current mood: bouncy
current music: Butterfly- Crazytown

(Take off my party dress)

Friday, September 10th, 2004
1:06 am - Inspector Gadget
Hi journal- sorry havent written much lately. I'm a lazy sob. Anyway, Life is better a little, i think. I am getting a better handle of the work that i felt so overwhelmed by. Scott has been missing for a week and 3 days now. I try not to think about how much i miss him, but it's hard not to. My life feels kinda boring without his influence. Ya, getting bombed and partying with his friends was a wreckless existence, but a fun and exciting one. God, I miss him so much. Anyway, life is boring. Why can't i meet someone exciting. I really want a boyfriend. A partner, a companion of some sort. *siggghhhh* Why must i have this bad boy complex. Treat me bad, and i will love you forever. Treat me worse and i'll have your babies. Ok enough....theirs more to life. But why do i think about this so much?? OK so, life has been good. I feel a little bit stronger, but not much. The weakness and fatigue is almost overwhelming, but i refuse to let it ruin my life. I feel depressed and lonely a lot. Too much for my taste. I know happiness is lurking under a rock somewhere. But where. Am i just looking for someone to complete me? Probably. Today i was thinking about how pointless and hard my life is. And no, im not going through this suicide bs in my head, because i know i would never do it. If i got hit by a bus, i wouldent be extremely sad, but im not going to purposely walk in front of one, ya know? I've been kinda neglectful of my family, and javent been the best friend. But this is what depression does to me. I don't know why i feel so lonely here. I'm surrounded by good friends a lot. Could i just be missing scott? I'm afraid i wont find anyone. Ever. Why can't i find him????? or someone at least.... So i saw my family last weekend and it was fun. It was my aunt's bday and she came out for a boat ride with us. I bonded with my sister. I love that girl. I wish i could tell her that really has been happening in my life, but somethings can't be known in my family. She prolly wouldent want to know. I lie more than I change my socks. I don't think i could go through one day without lying at least 10 times. Yet more proof in my thesis that i'm not a very good person. Me lexi and lauren went to kris' tonite to watch a movie. It was nice to get out and do something. My stomach hurt towards the end, so i might have been a little rude. I miss Kris being around. I wish she lived on campus. I got really drunk at the suite party the other nite. Ahhh drunkeness dulled the pain for a little bit. We played asshole and drank a lot. It made me miss scott cuz the last party we had, he was there. I dont know if i miss him or i just miss the fun we had. I cant just be wild on my own. Someone has to facilitate it. I think that's why i fell for dave so hard. He was unlike anyone i had ever met. OK enough of this. Life is hard, no? Stupid emotions. I wish I didn't long for sappy stupid stuff like this. Anyway, i just hope i can do well this semester and make my parents proud. Theirs this one guy i kinda dig, but around him i become a verbally incontinent nit wit who drools and stumbles over her own feets. I also miss lovins a good deal. OK i know tmi, but ure reading this, and you never know what crazy lauren might say!! OK so i think its time to lie in bed and listen to my stomach grown. Theirs no effin food in this room.

current mood: frustrated
current music: Da da da dadadada Inspector Gadget

(Take off my party dress)

Thursday, September 2nd, 2004
6:30 pm - Dear God,
Hi journal. I just got back from my 4th class of the day. I am very tired, but i am always very tired. I have not felt good in about a week. I always feel very tired and weak. I have been trying to eat mor for energy, but i seem to be loosing more weight still. I am definated not well. I also have been feeling really lonely. The people in my suite are great, but they are not around much. I feel like i am too weak to have much fun and i also have a lot of work. I don't know how i will be able to do anything in this condition. I think I should see my doctor. I am very sad. I feel like i dont know many people anymore and the people i used to know, don't really want to be around me. This makes my heart hurt. Theirs someone who was my very close freind, but has seemed to be putting me off lately and it makes me very disheartened. I am asking God for some help. I am sure he will hear my prayers and bring some light back into my life.

current mood: sad
current music: none

(1 Nail biter | Take off my party dress)

Tuesday, August 31st, 2004
1:52 pm - Suite Lovin'
So here i am typing to you here live from the moyne! Orange you excited!! So things are going well so far. We had a party Sunday nite, the nite we moved in lol. What a great start to a new school year lol. Scotty came for it. I got everyone pretty drunk, cuz thats what i do. I got in sum trouble later that nite, but we wont go there. So classes are boring. just going over stuff and stuff. My philosophy prof is like 400 years old and she made us pray before class. So weird. I went over to Scotty's last nite and we watched 50 First Dates and stuff n stuff. I have 4 classes today. 2 left togo. I think this sem is going to be a lot of work. I'm going to get a tat tonite!! woot! I love Suite Lovin'!! Sara's the best thing ever!!! I love livin with all my friends!!! They rock my booties!

current mood: drained
current music: Blue Monday- How Does It Feel

(Take off my party dress)

Saturday, August 28th, 2004
9:48 pm - What will ease the pain?
Suprise suprise. I've been drinking again. I'm so sad. Whn did i become so pathtic? fuck this. my heart hurts. I'm so lonely. So alone. Alcohol makes for sucky company. He hurts me SO BAD. When did i become this needy and dependent??? The pain is blinding and all consuming and i long for him. Sound like an addiction to you?? Ya, me too. Well the entire day didn't suck. Gina and i went to the fair. It was super cool to hang out with her and catch up. She's sucha good friend. I am lucky to have her. The fair kinda creeped me out. I dunno, the feeling i get there is that this place is not natural. Like evil almost. OK we all knew i was weird. I packed a lil tonite. Ill go up to move into the moyne around 2 perhaps. I hope seeing everyone takes my mind off him, tho i know it wont. Does he know he does this to me/.?? Prolly not. I hate the olympics. I WANT REGU:AR PROGRAMS, BITCH!

(2 Nail biters | Take off my party dress)

Friday, August 27th, 2004
OMG LEXIS COMING BACK!! OMG OMG OMG! I CAN BARELY SEE THROUGH TEARS OF JOY!!!!!!!!! life went from sucking hardcore to being fucking fucking fucking amazing. *joy overload* See i think i figured things out. I felt like i lost all my friends, so when i mett scott, i got hardcore attached to him thinking that maybe i could keep him close to me to replace my friends. I mean not replace, but they werent going to be around, so i felt sooooo alone. So alone so alone. Thats why i've let scott treat me like complete crap and i started drinking every nite and just being this hardcore bf obsessed bitch. Damn, this is great. I feel like this big fucking weight has been lifted!! I didnt care about going back to school till now. Their must be a God. He did this.
I was sitting around all bummed tonite cuz i have no friends. Scott and i had plans to hang out, but he didnt call and i couldent get ahold of him. I even know what hes doing right know. He's at the res getting drunk and high. Bastard. Without me! Well, his punishment is that he's not getting any tonite. At least he effin better not! I miss him a lot tho. Why must i miss and long for him so much? Its a curse. Perhaps someone put a hex on me? i KNEW I shouldent have pissed off that shawman! So man, my moms been clinging to me hardcore lately. She almost even follows me into the bathroom. I feel bad cuz sometimes, i just need to be alone or go out with friends and i can tell that shes sad that im leaving. I'm sad that shes sad. I think i put some fun and adventure in her life. Like scott does for me. He makes my life so exciting. But he makes me so sad. is that a fair trade? So im going to cortytown to see the matt tomorrow nite and gina and i are hopefully going to the fair on sat. Then sunday i move in. Hopefully i can see scott at some point in all this. If he even wants to see me. I need to clean my room. Its been an effin mess all summer. I wish i wansnt such a lazy effin bum. Well im getting tired and theirs a good chance that scott will call me and want me to come over depite it being 1am. lata

current mood: confused
current music: Doll Parts- Hole

(Take off my party dress)

Thursday, August 26th, 2004
12:15 am - man, u dont know the half of it
hi journal. now im going to sound like an alcoholic, but im under the influnce again. not drunk, but tipsy. So i cant write a lot about what i been upto cuz if my rents found out, id get the shit kicked outta me. So i had an amazing few rents went out of town and well, if ur good anough friends w me, ill prolly tell u anyway;-)
Its so weird. I feel like a completely diff person now than i do before i met scott. He changed my world. Not like everything didnt cme crashing down when i found out that lexi wasnt coming back/ he changed everything tho. if he left me now, i dont even know what id do. I'd prolly follow him anywhere. Like a fucked up puppy. maybe (hopefully) when i go back to school, ill have more stuff to think about. Something other than him 24/7. I went over to kris' tonite. and i though about him. despite trying really hard not to. and drinking. but that didnt help. Lifes just weird.

(Take off my party dress)

Sunday, August 22nd, 2004
2:00 am
wow im fucked up/ u know what i do when im drunk???????????????? blurty!!!!!!!!!!!!! wow im drunk and sleepu, i drank alone toiye. and i drank a lot. i have a good an alcoholic. no not really. scott stuff yeet again./ he finally sis it tonite. enough for me to tell him to fuck off for good. he came into my store and was like, wheres my check? and i was like, locked in the office. and he was like, ok. then left. like he didnt know me. WHAT A FUXKING ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!! he expects me to twk him and his friends to the adironacks tomorw??????????????????????????? FUCK!! he cxan fuck off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant evern wait till he calls tomorrow so i can tell him to fuck offfffff. it will be soooooooooooooooooooooooooos sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!!!! ya, i may not have anyfriends or a boyfirnd but fuck i will tell him to fuck off. the ill bring him to the adrionacks so he can ignore me around his friends then get drunk and do what he wnats with me. cuz i have that much self confindence!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cuz ill never find anyone that treats me half way decent, i have no friends. i have kristi and shes the SHIT but no one lse cuodl relly give a fuck. i went over to her place tonite and no one gave a fuck i was there. im not one of threm. so i was like, illgo fuckin home and drink. awww to be numb and not cry in my car cuz i care so muich about someone that could give a fuck about me. i have no feidns. or i wont. fuck i have no one' no one but alochol. mmmmmm i think i migt have a problem. yes . all i wanted to day was a drink.... god, please help me.

(Take off my party dress)

Saturday, August 21st, 2004
3:14 am - You know that you need me.
Heya journal-rama. So what a great 2 days that have just gone by. Yesterday I went and chilled with maTT in Ctown. It felt like i hadnt seen him in ages. We had soo much effing fun. We went to applebees and made friends with our waitress. She gave him free soup. We had such a good convo. We drove around blaring the "I fucked your boyfriend" song. LOL we got sum furious looks. We got sum 40z and went and drank in a park. I was geekin out and this cop drove into the parking lot and we thought fo shoe we were busted. I thought matt was gunna try to hide in the bushes lol but he was just hiding his bottle. The cop just turned around and by the grace of God, just drove away. *whew* Then we went bak to his place and walked his dog. I was gettin tired, so i left around 11. Scott called me when i was driving back, so i went to his place for a bit. So he tells me that he feels like were getting to serious too fast and that he doesn't want a relationship. Whoa. No kidding. OK i ask, do you have feelings for me? Yes, he says. You wanna hang out with me a lot? I ask. Yeah, he says. You like messing around with me? I ask. Definately, he says. Would you like it if i dated other guys? I ask. Fuck no, he says. Do you want to bang other girls? I ask. Not really, he says. (Cough lie cough cough) So what is youre definition of a relationship? I ask. Come here and kiss me, he replies. Lol fucking boys. Don't know whats good for um. I don't want to hurt you, he tells me. Lol he has no idea how bad he hurts me. All i want is him. But he did not treat me like this, i would not want him in the same way. Messed up? Hell ya! Can i help it? Fuck no! Like if he was like, oh baby, i wanna be with you blah blah blah, I'd be like whoa, whats wrong with you lol. Nothing turns me on like a guy that doesn't call when he says he will, ignores me around his friends, spends me money on beer and pot. Like intellectually, i'm like whoa, i'm a fucking moron. But my heart is like, run to him with all your might! Lol. When ppl treat me well and want to be with me, whoa, what a turn off lol. If somone is actaully good to me, i'm usually bad to them. Anyone know a good therapist??? Haha. So anyway, today kris and i met up at carosel and shopped a while. She got sum computer stuff and i bought---NOTHING! Arent you proud??? I am. We went to Hooters for dinner. Man theirs sum hot girls in there. I gave our waitress a 7$ tip lol. Hey, she was nice ok? PLus, i didnt mean to haha. Scott called and said he wanted to hang out, and i wanted kris to meet him, so we went to his house. He had a friend there and decided he wanted to hang out with him instead. Asshole. So kris and i left and went to salt city porn shop for kicks and giggles. I debated on buying fuzzy handcuffs, but i decided that i would be cheap and if i wanted to tie someone up, i'd do it the old fashioned way. With a scarf and a good ice pick. Stuff there was really expensive, so kris and i went to eckerd and she wanted an effing 30 pack of condoms. She was too chicken to buy them, so me having no shame, got them for her. We went back to her house (which is very nice by the way) and made sum drinks and watched Taking Lives (cuz angelina jolie is HOT) and The Prince and Me which seemed to go on forever. It was soo nice to see kris. She is my sunshine. We had so much effin fun. It felt like we were tight right away again even after not seeing eachother for 4 months. I feel a lil better going back to school knowing i have sucha good friend. She listened to me bitch endlessly about scott. Man, i even annoy myself with this shiza. You think i want to be at his beck and effin call???? But man, when he does call, it's soooooo goood.

current mood: busy
current music: Zoot Suit Riot- Squirrel Nut Zippers

(Take off my party dress)

Thursday, August 19th, 2004
12:14 am
:-( Laurens sad. Scott didnt call tonite, so shes just sitting here like a big loosa. I wonder why he didnt call. Did he suddenly decide im super ugly and he cant be with me? OK lauren, he prolly went out drinkin with friends. You can live one night without hearing from him. You can. One night away from him doesnt mean he's out sleeping with other girls. Or does it? lol the worse he treats me, the more i want him. I want him more than anything. Someone just beat me in the effing face. OK so theirs more to life than scott, right? Oh ya my effing awsum job. Or how about that im going back to the moyne? Oh Ya! The place where i wont have any friends! Swell! I can sit in my room and cry curled up in a ball on the floor. Life sucks. I'm addicted to someone who treats me bad and spends my money. Man, does love make fools of us?? It's making me soo stupid lol. I knew that dave was going to hurt me. It took me two effing years to get over that. But i didnt care at the time. I just gave him everything and he didn't give me a second glance. Oh well. I am so sad. I have no friends. And an absent boyfriend. I think i might start looking at other colleges. I need to get out and meet new effing ppl. Le Moynes too small. PLus the reasons i stayed are gone. So i should leave. Fuck it. I dont know.

current mood: crappy
current music: blah

(Take off my party dress)

Tuesday, August 17th, 2004
9:39 am - ijasedrf
Hi Jouranl. So apparently, i flipped out for nothing. I was thinking scott was avoiding me and blah blah blah. He calls me yesterday like nothing happened lol. I had been FLIPPING OUT and he's just calls and says "hey whats going on" lol. So casual. I didn't let him know i was flipping out. People told me i was overreacting, but i couldent help it. So we went out to his cousins at the res last nite and drove all over syracuse looking for smoke. We found some eventually and went back to his cousins place. We watched a Cheech and Chong movie then scott and i went back to his place for awhile. We watched cruel intentions and i got home around 5am lol. Now im up at 9 so i can work out, dye my hair, and go to work. Prolly to stay out till 5 again. Ahhh ive missed him. I was soo appreciative of his touch. Something i will not now take for granted. OK i know thats sappy, but i LIKE this boy with a capital K. Well ya, he's all i talk about now so, caio!

current mood: groggy
current music: The song taht goes like this!

(Take off my party dress)

Sunday, August 15th, 2004
4:29 pm - it don't matter
Sittin in traffic another day of feeling nothing
Trying to find something I guess it's back to huffin'
Paint and model glue oh how I die when I look
At you smilin' lovin' life and all I know is blue
Rainy days and cold stares broken love affairs
Everything's beautiful as long as I ain't there
I guess I wasn't meant to crack a smile who cares
I think I'll go to sleep for a while now

I'm barely livin' in my skin depression's my only friend
And I don't know where I am heading tryin' to forget where I've been
And I'm so sick of lying God please shwo me that silver lining
Cuz I've heard tale and I'm not well my heads full of hell and
This world's a jail but

And it don't matter and I don't care
I let my pain into the air
Cuz everything good's over there
And everything here's hard to bear
And it don't matter and I don't care
I let my pain into the air
Cuz everything good's over there
And everything here's hard to bear

And as the apin begins to displace had it to ear level
With this place you see it on my face a state of suspended grace
Gradually I erase and find comfort in the sickest womb
I might be present but no in the room
To whom it may consume melting ensembles bleeding chellos running through Bordellos drama
Like Othello hidin' out from Poncharello
Dead off in the Median
Fallin apart like usual handin' out flyers to my funeral

So they say that life's a play and that all the world's a stage
Then for another part I pray the show ends the same way everyday
And my heart carries the pain of a brain I can't explain
Am I insane
Am I insane

And it don't matter and I don't care
I let my pain into the air
Cuz everything good's over there
And everything here's hard to bear
And it don't matter and I don't care
I let my pain into the air
Cuz everything good's over there
And everything here's hard to bear

And everything good is gone
And everything good is gone
And everything good is gone
And everything bad is here
And everything bad is here
And everything bad is here
It doesn't really matter now does it

And it don't matter and I don't care
I let my pain into the air
Cuz everything good's over there
And everything here's hard to bear
And it don't matter and I don't care
I let my pain into the air
Cuz everything good's over there
And everything here's hard to bear

I could listen to this song a billion times. (Don't Matter by Rehab) Scott loves rehab. (the band) lol. Oh that boy hurts me. :-( :-( I'm so lonely i feel lost. I need to vomit. I despair. I despise this. Everyone leaves me. And i don't blame them. I would leave me too. I'm such a moody bitch. I want to cry. I want to ahhh i don't know. I feel trapped in these circumstances. I haven't been able to get ahold of scott in like, 4 days. My cell wouldent work in the adirondacks. Fuck. He's going to fucking dump me i know it. And it's one more person i lost. I know he reminded me too much of dave. Someone who would take everything and leave. And i dont even have freinds to go bavk to school to. Gina is gone too. Fuck. Oh God, I feel so alone.

current mood: depressed
current music: It Don't Matter- Rehab

(Take off my party dress)

Tuesday, August 10th, 2004
5:24 pm
Oh man. This has been the best effing week ever!! I've hung out w scott every nite till like 5am. Last nite gina and i hung out and had a few cocktails and watched MySocalled Life. Scott called and wanted me to come over and i wanted gina to meet him, so we went. He was with sum friends and i lent him money to buy beer cuz im wrapped around his little finger. But it was fun in a weird way. Like he didn't pay much attention to me cuz his friends were there. One of his friends dug gina. It was funny. Scott was like, is ur friend single? And i smacked hmi and he's like: no no my friend likes her! haha. Gina drove home cuz i drank sum there. Then when we got home i drank more. I didn't get drunk, but i was pretty darn tipsy. Sorry i talk about scott so much. Man he's hot tho.

current mood: excited
current music: How's It Gonna Be- Third Eye Blind

(2 Nail biters | Take off my party dress)

Friday, August 6th, 2004
11:53 pm - I'm not nice
Blah. I'm fucking home here sitting doing nothing like a fucking loser. Scott invited me to a party tonite and he was supposed to call and give me directions. Fucking why am i sitting here? Why dont guys call? I even bought stuff to get laced. Like, i relly dig this guy, and after last nite, i know he digs me. I went to his place and we walked out on a pier and just sat w our feet in the water and talked for an hour or so. Then we went to the drive in and saw half of the village (we were late) and king arthur. Then we went to my house and drank sum beers and talked. Man we just click. Man, my tolerance for alcohol has gone to nothing. 2 beers, i was pratically gone. He said we should have another, and i said if i had another i'd be table dancing. He said he wouldent mind that. :-P We went back to his place and well...we messed around a little. Man it was nice cuz i didnt know before that if he liked me. I was wondering when hed make an effing move. Well, he did lol. I left around 5am and was scared shitless that my mom would be up waiting for me with a shotgun. But i snuck in sucessfully. Whew. Anyway, scott, didi and i worked togther today and their was weirdness between scott and i. or at least i thought so. Im effing paranoid, as we all know. But he invited to a party to meet his friends, which i took as a good sign. He said he might not call if he got too messed up. Which im assuming is what happened. I just miss him. I get attached to easily, man. And i already gave away too much. Why do i effing do that???? Like, u get caught up in the moment and make stupid decisions. Dont get me wrong, their was no sex, but i still gave away too much. And he knows im sweating him hardcore. So he has all the power. How do i get it back? If u know, let me know. Anyway, work was ok today. Didi and i got to talk. We havent worked together in awhile so it was nice to catch up. She jokingly asked if i'd be her gf and it caught me off guard cuz their is some truth to joking. I told her that if being with girls didn't give me the willys, i'd be with her in a second. She told me she'd treat me good. Not like fucking guys. That dont fucking call. dammit. oh well. I will take back the power! and stop being such a hoe lol. One of didi's friends was kinda sweatin me i think. Hes came in stoned and asked me out. I didn't answer him lol. Hey, he was kinda hot. Like it was weird, i got hit on and a few sexual comments from customers today. Maybe this new deoderant i got. Man if i was hot, thatd be the best thing ever. Ppl could be sweatin me instead of me wanting them. But i want scott. Fuck. He knows it too. He could just fucking string me along like dave did. Hes the first person i gave everything to. Didn't i learn? Fuck. did i also meantion what i bitch i am and how terrible i feel. I'm talking to a few ppl and i just feel like this total asshole. I'm so selfish and gaaaa. Why do i tell ppl just what they wanna hear? I have no effing backbone. Ha maybe i should toke alone. Dude, this is a warning to all: I'm not a nice person. But i am trying to change. I must start with a little fucking honesty.

(3 Nail biters | Take off my party dress)

Thursday, August 5th, 2004
10:00 am - My silver lining
Yay!! I hung out with Scott tonite and it was wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We went and rented Momento at the Hollywood and watched it at his place. He is the best thing ever. Oh man. Like nothing really romantic happened so im not sure if he likes me like that. But it was the first time we hung out outside of work. Damn hes cute. Oh man. I just want to do dirty things to him. Like it's overwhelming attration. Oh man, i hope he likes me pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppllllllllllllllllllllllleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeee let him like me. I want this sooooooooooooooooooooooo bad that it's making me go stupid. Being withhim made me forget all the bad shit that happened yesterday. Like, how lonely i will be without my best friends when i go back to school. :-( That makes me so sad. My maw took me to carosel to cheer me up today. We ate lunch at pizzaeria uno and shopped a bunch. It felt cathartic. I'm a clothes junky. Like, its my high. I'd probably save money if i just bought drugs instead. Haha and scott doesnt like online so i can write about my stupid crush alll i want!! Oh man i want him. OK ill shut up now.

current mood: ecstatic
current music: Want You Bad- The Offspring

(Take off my party dress)

Wednesday, August 4th, 2004
;l'jsk f
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH im sooooooooooo madklsrgnas'lkgnsl'kns'dlkgnsjkgns'lkgnsldkngls'kdng

So i was happy last nite but now the other shoe has dropped. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKlksgnml;megklmrdgkmlgfmk;leml;

Im so sick of all this fucking bullshit. All you people and ur bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lay fucking off me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All my friends are fucvking not going to be there next year so i might as weelll transfer or shoot myself in the fucking head. OMG nervous breakdown. God my life feels so wilted. FUCK. Everyone fucking goes away in the end. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK Lexi why didnt you tellllll me??????? OMG Fuck. I cant handle this. I just fucking deal. I dont even know what to do

(Take off my party dress)

Monday, August 2nd, 2004
11:54 pm - Dr. Cadaver will see you now
HI JOURNAL! Guess what?? I met a guy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's cute and nice and funny and yay!! I met a guy *dances around* Ya, i'm really happy to be single. right.... I work with him. I think he likes me cuz he's flirty and stuff. I told him i was studying to be a teacher and he said he could see me as a teacher, but as a hot teacher. lol ok you don't usually asociate teachers, or me, with being hot. But oh man, i'm excited. I'm such a loser!! BUT A HAPPY LOSER!! Anyway, YAY!! I can't wait till i go to the adironacks!! Lexi is going to my fam reunion with me. Were gunna get sloshed and insult my relatives. Gina and I are going to see The Village at the drive in tomorrow. I wanted to bring scott, but he has to work :-( LIFE IS GOOOOOODDD! Back to school in a month. YES!!! Ive been frigging waiting forever to see the village. Ppl tell me its not that good, but they can go....ummm stuff it. Ya. Sorry i keep jumping topics. My head is racing with happy happy manic thoughts. I'm so happy. All i keep thinking is: I hope i don't die. Lol how morbid, huh? When i was like depressed and stuff, i couldent care less if i died. But now that i have stuff to look forward, i'm being like more careful, i guess. I know i'm just gunna die on myself and ruin all my plans. OK im a friggin weirdo. I'm going to pa to see my sis w my maw soon. YAy. I'm going to maw to carosel tomorrwo too. I need to shop like i need a hole in the face. Yay~~ Being happy is kinda sad because something bad has to happen....

(Take off my party dress)

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