Below are 13 journal entries, after skipping by the 20 most recent ones recorded in Alexis' Blurty:

[ Next 20 >> ]

Sunday, January 5th, 2003
2:05 am	Box of Photos So, today was boring. I woke up, joked around with my mom, watched "The Osbournes" marathon on MTV (actually, that was a lot of fun, I love that show, I have a poster of them on my wall) and knit. I can't believe I'm not done with Kelly's scarf. Not that I'm not liking knitting it, because as I knit I often think about school and how I would sit at night finishing a scarf or hat with Kristen working on her Tori site. One night we stayed up until almost 5am, and the next day I went to work at 9:30am. When I got back to the dorm I found out that Kristen had jokingly told Maren that I had forced her to stay up with me. I miss the little look of guilt that Kristen gets on her face. It's like the "cat that just caught the canary" as my grandma would say. Right, boring day, but tonight I was helping my mom move stuff back into the apartment (she just had it redecorated) and I found the boxes that my mom keeps photos in. The first two had really old pictures of me from when I was really small. I even found this little piece of paper that my mom used to write down the dates little milestones after my birth, you know, first full night's sleep, first words, first tooth, etc. In the third box, which must have meant that I was about seven years old, I found pictures of me at my old school's fair. Every year Manhattan Country School has the Farm Festival and when you're small, it's a whole lot of fun. I was looking through pictures of me with my old friends, getting our faces painted, eating cupcakes we iced ourselves, sitting and talking, when I found a picture of myself and Emily. Emily Bushkin was one of my best friends when I was litte. She moved to Suffern, New York after First Grade because her mother was dying of breast cancer. I didn't speak to her for a while, but in about Fourth Grade we started writing to each other. We wrote about our favorite TV shows and sent pictures, because 3 years for us was a long time. We even visited each other a few times. We kept in touch until we were about thirteen, and I don't know what happened then. I often thought about writing her, but never actually did. Emily died in a car crash three years ago, she was sixteen years old. A drunk driver hit the car she was riding in, it went off the road and tumbled down an embankment. She and the driver, a friend of hers, were both dead by the time the ambulence got there. Thing is, I had no idea that Emily had died until last April. I mentioned to my mother that I wanted to write to Emily, to catch up again. My mother was silent, which made me uncomfortable. She told me that Emily had died, that she had seen it on the news, that she hadn't wanted to tell me because she was afraid that I would be too upset. Emily was a beautiful girl, adopted from South America. I remember playing with her at school and going out to dinner when she came to visit me in the city. I miss her as I did before I knew she was dead, but now I know I waited too long. She didn't have to die. I framed the picture and I'm taking it back to school with me. I feel so sorry for her father, who is now all alone without his wife, his daughter, his family. Current Mood: nostalgic Current Music: Indigo Girls (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 4th, 2003
1:23 am	Unmotivated I don't know, I've felt incredibly unmotivated the past few days. All I want to do is knit and listen to music or watch TV. I don't really feel driven to write in my journal, or talk on the phone to random friends, or chat with people online, or go out...I think it's the weather. The rain makes me wanna stay snuggled up in bed, under my blankets, with my cozy flannel pjs on (the clouds or stars, of course), a cup of hot chocolate, my knitting, a movie and a friend. Wow, that's really quite demanding for a simple day in bed. Huh, well, it works better at school, back at Tewksbury where one knitting buddy is right down the hall (Cate) and the other is a phone call away (Diya). Now we can use my hotpot to make hot chocolate, I hope Cate still has enough packets in her room. I wish our dorm had a fireplace like Brian's frat house at his school. Well, techinically we do have a fireplace, but it's all blocked and what not. Oh, the first weekend I get back that's all I want to do. We can watch one of the new DVDs I got for Christmas and I can work on my scarf (Kelly's is almost finished) once I figure out how to make boxes, and we can talk about how confusing boys (or in my case, boys and girls) are and how we hate being lonely. But we're not lonely, we have each other!!! Oh my God, my imagination is stuck in a Hallmark movie of the week. Someone help me! Now that I think about it though, the only time I ever cuddled up with my...uhhh, boy/girlfriend is Farm Camp when I was 13 year old. Adrien and I would cuddle up on the porch if I had a really bad allergy attack or he was feeling stressed. I think that actually happened only three or four times all summer. I just want to snuggle up, damnit!!! Oh well, time for bed as knitting and typing are out of the picture due to my painfully cramping hand. I think I'm going to cut my hair. Current Mood: lethargic Current Music: Indigo Girls (Comment on this)
Friday, January 3rd, 2003
12:14 am	Baby Luca! Luca Matthew was born today!!! Luca Matthew is my best friend's cousin's baby, her first. We're so excited!!! Ashley and I have waited and waited for this little miracle to arrive, and it's taken years. God knows that Kristina will never let anyone touch this baby, but we'll figure out a way. I can't believe he's here! I'm going out of my mind with joy and I haven't even seen him yet. Sweet baby boy, Luca, the one shining thing in ours lives right now. I hope that Marcus and Dena have a baby soon, I'd love to be an aunt. I want to hold a baby that's my blood, my family. I want to baby-sit on New Years for my little niece or nephew. Okay, letting my imagination run wild, so, moving on. I started a scarf for Kelly today, not because I'm a total stalker though. We (Manny, Kelly and I) were talking about the scarf that I had knit for myself (purple with rainbow ends, I let my pride shine) and Manny was saying how he'd love a blue scarf like mine. I agreed, saying blue would be lovely, as it's my favorite color, but Kelly said that she'd love one in green. So, I have about 8 inches of emerald green chenille which I will go back to as soon as I'm done. I like being able to do something while I'm watching TV, just sitting there makes me feel twitchy, like I should be doing something constructive with my hands. Plus, I'll have something to do on the 18 hour train ride to Chicago. I'll probably be done by that, come to think of it, well, I did by some more yarn to knit myself another scarf. I'm so excited to visit Cate and now Diya is probably going to come to visit while I'm there. The Three Musketeers together again, it's gonna be trouble. Lots of knitting, Indigo Girls, "Little Women" and hot chocolate. It's going to be amazing!!!! I can't stop smiling. HE HE HE!!! I love it! Current Mood: creative Current Music: Indigo Girls!!! (again) (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 1st, 2003
3:20 am	A Whole New Year So, it's 2003 and I have very little time to write at this moment. So, I'm just going to write two things and come back to this later. Number one (my New Years resolution), to get a kiss for next year, and, number two, I know it's true now, I really care, it's not "incest" or false fantasies. Where ever she is, whatever she's doing, I send my heart out to her and I wish her the happiest New Year of all. Current Mood: drained Current Music: Queen and Indigo Girls (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 31st, 2002
1:19 am	Almost the New Year So, technically, today is New Years Eve, and tomorrow will be 2003. I know this sounds weird, but I hate odd years, they always seem to suck. Having said that, the 2nd half of this year sucked pretty badly, I mean, I doubt next year can really exceed the fucked up events of this year. (Knock on wood, of course) Additionally, I'll be once again ringing in the New Year in the most controlled manner ever, I'm baby-sitting. I've only gone out or partied one year, and that was the millenium, I was 16 and single. I hung out with Yalith and we drank hard cider in an alley, really classy, I know, but it was fun. We also played "You Don't Know Jack" which I think I lost. I wore a beautiful silver ballroom skirt which was altered incorrectly and I haven't worn it since. Maybe I'll wear it to the ISO Formal next year. I had a dream last night that I was back at school, it was lovely, not the dream, school. It was snowing, just like it did before we left, and there was already snow on the ground. I was walking outside with Cate and Diya, and even though we should have been cold, we weren't. We were walking around the school grounds, and laughing, and tripping in the snow because it was so high. Then we had a snowball fight, which led to us making snow angels, and ended up just rolling around in the snow ("like dogs" - Cate and Diya get that). We went back to my room, actually, and we were drinking hot chocolate and then it disappeared. I was sitting by myself in the snow, and Cate and Diya were sitting in my room. I could see them drinking hot chocolate and watching a movie. I started to cry, but my tears were freezing. As each tear froze it hurt my face more and more, until my cheeks burned from the cold and I knew my face was turning blue. I wanted to stop crying because I knew that if I could stop I wouldn't freeze, but I couldn't. I felt my body freezing and my skin had turned blue all over my body. I was screaming for someone to save me, but no one was around, I was all alone. I saw the wind rip my voice out of my throat (sounds odd, but, remember, it was a dream) and I knew I was going to die. Then she came and she held my hands and she was so warm. She kissed my hands and my cheeks and then she kissed me on the lips. I started to cry again, but I wasn't cold anymore. She said "I love you" and I said "I love you too," then she disappeared. I woke up then with a start. I can't stop thinking about her, I miss her so badly. Intersession isn't making anything easier, it's just making my heart ache worse. I feel almost empty inside, but I know I have to wait and see. I find it odd that she doesn't have any pictures in her room. When I get back to school I'm going to take a picture (or have someone take a picture) of us and I'll frame it. I'll give it to her with a note that will start, "Dearest Kelly, You saved me from my tears..." Current Mood: lonely Current Music: Indigo Girls - She's Saving Me, Leeds, Cara Mia (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 29th, 2002
10:49 pm	Continuing Right, so, Adrien, ex-boyfriend, uses me for sex and affection. I accept it, we use each other and we've both been okay with that until now, but not anymore. I can't do it anymore, I can't be a consolation prize, second best. I don't deserve, I don't. Plus, everytime I see him and we hook up, I get all hung up on him again and that's bad, just bad. I know why, I mean, he was my first love, my first everything and I miss the way he made me feel, but that's all over. I have to stop and, hopefully, I'll remember that when I'm sitting across the table from him, drinking a cup of tea, and he kisses my hand or when we're walking down the street after dinner and he slips his arm around my waist...all things that have worked in the past. Oh no! No, I'm going to be strong. I solemnly swear that I will not hook up with Adrien. On the other hand, I was also invited to a party that night. A sex party. A sex party for girls...who like other girls! Yea! I'm so excited, but I can't think of what to wear. What does one wear to a sex party? Jeans? Skirt? Tank top? I'll have to ask Yalith the next time I speak to her. I'm kinda nervous too. What is proper sex party etiquette? Current Mood: bouncy Current Music: Tori Amos - Raspberry Swirl (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 28th, 2002
4:25 pm	Last night I went to my second gay bar, well, I guess my first because I went to a straight bar with a gay night, so that's technically not a gay bar. So, last night I went to my first gay bar in Staten Island with my friend, Yalith. I have to say, it was kinda depressing. There was no one there! We got there, played a game of pool with each other and then each of us played a game with this nice guy. We each had a soda and by the last game it was just time to leave. There was no one there, okay, maybe 7 people other than us by the time we left, but that's including the bartender and the other people had just arrived. Last night I was ready to go out and make nice with some sweet girl, but don't get me wrong, I had a lot of fun. It's nice to go out with someone you haven't seen in a while. We went to dinner at a small "restaurant" by our old high school, and it was just like being 17 again, grabbing lunch before I had to run back to Sports Psychology. I always had a chicken quesadilla with lettuce, tomatos and sour cream, and a mint iced tea. I always felt gross about 20 minutes after I was finished and vowed I would never eat it again, but next week I was running back so that I wouldn't be late to class. Anyways, during dinner my ex-boyfriend, the first one, Adrien, calls me. He wanted to know if I was busy for dinner because he wanted me to come uptown to meet him. I hate the fact that he thinks that I'm just going to run to him whenever he wants. He only calls me when he wants something, usually after he's broken up with another one of his many girlfriends and he wants a girl to help him drown his sorrows. Grrrr...To be continued later Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: Kelly Osbourne (Comment on this)
Friday, December 27th, 2002
2:05 am	Romantic movies just mess with your mind. In the end, the boy/girl doesn't always get their boy/girl, and someone usually gets hurt. Okay, maybe I'm slightly bitter, but I'm being realistic. The movies make you think that just because you fall in love with someone and you come up with cute little ways to show them, this other person will magically realize that you're amazing/beautiful/unique/perfect/whatever and that they are head over heels in love with you too. For the most part, that's a lie. I'm sure I'd feel somewhat differently if I had someone to write me cute poems (not my best friend) or give me early morning kisses (not my dog) or tell me they love me with that look in their eyes. Here we are back to love again. I miss her, I truly do. I love all my close friends, I would do anything for them, but with her it's different. I love her as a friend, but with her it's something more. She makes me tingle...oh, that kinda sounds wrong, but it's true. I get that little rush of heat to my cheeks and I blush and my heart pounds and I want to just run up to her a hug her and feel her touch. And I think I've already made a fool of myself about it. I can't tell her. I just want to see her. I wish Intersession was over. Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: Tori Amos (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 26th, 2002
12:57 am	Soulmates So, a bit over a month ago, my roommate, Kristen, and I were having a discussion about the idea of soulmates one night as we were falling asleep. After about an hour, we came to one conclusion that made sense to both of us at the time. We decided that people don't only have one soulmate and that the relationship with a soulmate can vary. For example, we decided that Kristen and I were roommate-soulmates; we were meant to be roommates, sent to each other by some unexplainable power (neither of us believe in God), that it was fate that we were placed together and we were a perfect match. When I woke up, I briefly scanned our discussion in my head on my way to class, and realized that I didn't quite believe what we had said the night before. I went about my day. That night I sat in my room and listened to music, while my roommate hung out with her soulmate, Lauryn. Lauryn is going away next semester and really won't be able to talk to Kristen. I noticed the way that they spoke to each other, joked with each other, made the same gestures, said the same things, and I noticed how hard it was for them to part and how Kristen cried when they did. They still had a little over a month together and Lauryn would be back in the fall, but it was heartbreaking to watch them say good-bye that night. After Lauryn left, Kristen and I continued our discussion, bringing up different people that had entered our lives since starting college. Knowing I was still a bit skeptical, my roommate brought up Betsy, a girl who I had met on the volleyball team at school. Betsy and I had quite a few indirect connections through people we knew, and had become closer during our evening workouts in the gym (I was there for physical therapy, while Betsy is actually in shape) and her visits to my dorm. Betsy came into my life when I needed someone to lean on who wasn't going to coddle me and pity me and treat me like a child. Betsy, Kristen explained, was my big sister-soulmate, meant to help me deal with my life and to simply be there for me. After injuring myself in physical therapy, I was bed-ridden, and Betsy and I would write emails to each other every day, as the end of the semester had brought large amounts of work for the both of us. I missed her horribly and it hurt me to watch Kristen with Lauryn, because I knew their separation would be a thousand times worse. I didn't get a chance to say bye to Betsy before I left school for intersession, but I decided to call her tonight to wish her a Merry Christmas. I called her cell phone a left a message before starting a movie. I was crying at the end of the movie, as I often do, and my cell phone rang. I picked it up, it was Betsy, my big sister, my soulmate, and I wanted to melt into a puddle of tears. We spoke for a short time and she told me that she hoped we could meet up when I went on my little road trip and that we'd speak soon. I hung up the phone and my heart ached...but not only for Betsy's hugs and sense of humor. I miss Kelly. I didn't really become close to Kelly until about two weeks before break began. We are so similar in so many ways, but is she my soulmate? I find myself thinking about her more than I think about most of my other friends, but I have to ask myself why. Last week when all I really wanted to do was crawl into my bed and cry, she didn't let me. No one, not even Betsy or any of my best friends, has ever been that sweet to me, has ever reached out to me with such open arms. I'm crying now, because the one thing I think of is that when I told her that my father had never told me he loved me before he died, she hugged me, held me tight, and she just said "I love you." She saved me... Current Mood: loved Current Music: Indigo Girls - "She's Saving Me" (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 25th, 2002
9:15 pm	Today was my first Christmas without my dad. I know this is going to sound wrong and I feel horrible for saying it, but this was the least stressful Christmas I've ever had. Just my mom, my dog and I. I didn't even feel like calling anyone today. I didn't want to brag about presents or complain about being home for so long or the money I'm spending to go to Chicago. Also, I was reading my last entries and I think that I sound depressed. I don't think I am depressed, just lonely. I wish I had a girlfriend. I wouldn't be too upset if I had a boyfriend, but...well, I guess I am girl crazy. It's not even about the sex or the affection, as much as I love it, it's about the companionship. I'm such a hopeless romantic. Current Mood: lonely Current Music: Indigo Girls (once again) (Comment on this)
2:52 pm	Actually Christmas So I wished for a white Christmas, and I got sleet. I guess it's kind of snowing now. I don't think that I ever remember having a white Christmas in NYC, but it's snowing at school. I wish that we all could have stayed at school and everyone could have come to visit us. I feel like such a prissy little girl, like all I do is whine. I feel like this year has just been one disaster after another and I'm almost afraid that it might get worse. If it does, I don't even want to imagine what could happen. I feel bad because I want to support Ashley and be there for her, but I also want to be like "I understand that your aunt is dying, but my father just died, how can you expect me to be there for you all the time!!!" I don't want to be cruel, but it's so hard to help her. I feel like it would be mean to tell her that it's not the end of the world, and that because she's suffering it's best for her. I know it's always been hard for Ashley having Brian, Kerri and myself as her best friends, but this is the last straw. To leave school now is not the answer, but we can't force her to see that. We love her, I love her so much, but how do you tell your best friend that it's time to grow up? *Side Note: Indigo Girls, so much angst! I love it.* Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Indigo Girls (Comment on this)
1:53 am	How #101 (Comment on this)
1:38 am	A New Day I can't believe it's Christmas. Barely Christmas, but Christmas just the same. I feel horrible because even though I'm sitting here with my family, all I can think about is how much I miss my friends and my life back at school. I miss Cate and Diya because they're themselves and I love them more than anything, I miss Kristen because she's my roommate-soulmate and a huge part of my life now, I miss Erika because she makes me laugh and comforts me, and I miss Kelly for many confusing reasons. Is it wrong to have a crush on someone who is sooo much like you? Am I just girl crazy? I wish I could stay up and question my hormones longer, but so sleepy. Merry Christmas all... (Comment on this)