Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Alexis' Blurty:

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Wednesday, May 28th, 2003
10:52 pm	God Dammit Why? That's the worst question of all time. There is almost never an answer to the really important "why?" questions. For instance, there's an answer to why water freezes but no answer as to why do some people suffer while others thrive, or there's an answer as to why computers work but no answer as to why, if God exists, does he let innocent children be abused and raped and killed. Fuck it! I just want to fucking walk! I'm sick of being on crutches and sick of having people do things for me and sick of being isolated. I just want to walk around by myself and see the city or maybe go out to the bars, I even got a yoga tape in anticipation of my recovery. Why can my bones function like everyone elses? Why don't I heal like they do? Why me and not them? Give me an answer where God or religion isn't the answer or reason, or "everyone's different" either...Yeah, I thought not...Fuck it, just FUCK IT! Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Jordan Caress (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 10th, 2003
12:44 am	So I'm back... I'm back at my computer at the twilight hours...again. My first year of college is almost over. Next year I will be a sophomore, no longer at the bottom of the food chain, with a little more experience, a little more knowledge and a little less fear, hopefully. Annel, Manny, Vanessa and I got our suite! Village Dorm F, Suite D will be my home for my next two semesters at Bard College. Our dorm truly does not represent the make up of our school, two white kids and two Queer kids, I DO NOT THINK SO! But it's going to be so much fun, and so loud! I'm going to have to take refuge in my own little room, in my own little bed. I'll be able to walk. I didn't even think of that, I'll be able to walk again. I guess I've kinda accepted the fact that I can't walk as a constant thing, I mean, I have been on crutches for six weeks with another six left. Another six weeks...that's like eternity. In the next six weeks I will complete my first year of college, move once again (this time back home), relearn how to walk and say good bye to Kelly. I don't know how I can. And then how will I say good bye to Annel and Manny? How will I let them go? This is not high school anymore, this is real life (more or less), and it's much easier to lose phone numbers and email addresses. It's much easier to forget how much you may mean to someone else. Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Indigo Girls (Comment on this)
Monday, May 5th, 2003
8:22 pm	Me, Kinda, Sorta LAYER ONE: -- Name: Alexis -- Birth date: 02.17.84 -- Birthplace: New York City -- Current Location: Bard College, Annandale-on-Hudson, NY -- Eye Color: Brown -- Hair Color: Dark Brown, but it was blue and it will soon be black -- Height: 5' 4" -- Righty or Lefty: Righty, like 89% of America -- Zodiac Sign: Aquarius LAYER TWO: -- Your heritage: Other (Multiracial) -- The shoes you wore today: Blue Sketcher Slip-On Sneakers -- Your weakness: It's hard for me to trust people. -- Your fears: Being alone, losing my voice -- Your perfect pizza: So hard to choose! Ummm, probably sausage and olive from John's in NYC -- Goal you'd like to achieve: I don't want to get divorced (if I ever get married) LAYER THREE: -- Your most overused phrase on AIM: "lol" -- Your thoughts first waking up: Is it Friday? -- Your best physical feature: My lips, probably. -- Your bedtime: Ideally, sunrise -- Your most missed memory: The best friends torn away from me... LAYER FOUR: -- Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi, Diet, thank you -- McDonald's or Burger King: McDonalds -- Single or group dates: Single, I guess, I've never been on a date, like a date date, real date. -- Adidas or Nike: Nike -- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton -- Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate, most def. -- Cappuccino or coffee: Cappuccino, extra foam LAYER FIVE: -- smoke: Smoke what? -- Cuss: If you have to ask, you've never heard me speak... -- Sing: Sooo much stage fright to overcome -- Take a shower everyday: Hell, fucking, yeah -- Have a crush(es): Perhaps... -- Do you think you've been in love: Yes -- Want to go to college: I'm here, see above -- Like(d) high school: For the most part -- Want to get married: Oh, yes -- Believe in yourself: Most of the time -- Get motion sickness: Never, not as of yet anyways -- Think you're attractive: To whom exactly? -- Think you're a health freak: I don't even understand the term -- Get along with your parents: I would die without my mom -- Like thunderstorms: They're real hot -- Play an instrument: So many, and left them all behind me. LAYER SIX: In the past month... -- Drank alcohol: Like a fish -- Smoked: Socially... -- Done a drug: I can't deny it -- Had Sex: Nope, but thanks for that reminder -- Made Out: Yes, but it sucked -- Gone on a date: Never been on one as far as I know -- Gone to the mall?: Yup -- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: No, but I wish I had -- Eaten sushi: Yummy, birthday dinner! -- Been on stage: Last Friday -- Been dumped: On the upside, no -- Gone skating: On the downside, no -- Made homemade cookies: Yes, and they rocked. -- Gone skinny dipping: It happened once a long time ago -- Dyed your hair: Twice! -- Stolen anything: Never LAYER SEVEN: Ever... -- Played a game that required removal of clothing: Uh huh -- If so, was it mixed company: Again, uh huh -- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Never -- Been caught "doing something": Almost once, but it worked out in the end. -- Been called a tease: A few times -- Gotten beaten up: I've done the beating up -- Shoplifted: Never! -- Changed who you were to fit in: Once, but I fucked that plan after a few weeks. LAYER EIGHT: -- Age you hope to be married: Before 30 -- Numbers and Names of Children: 6 --> Bianca, Katrina, Paiva, Spencer, Nicholas, Willa -- Describe your Dream Wedding: It occurs...and no one fucks up -- How do you want to die: Old, happy and painlessly. -- Where you want to go to college: Bard, and, oh look, I'm here -- What do you want to be when you grow up: Doctor, mom, wife -- What country would you most like to visit: Italy LAYER NINE: In a guy/girl.. -- Best eye color? Brown -- Best hair color? Black -- Short or long hair: Short -- height: A bit taller than I -- Best weight: Nice and chunky -- Best articles of clothing: My "Admit it, you enjoy my scarcasm" and "Magic Kitty" t-shirts -- Best first date location: Who cares, I'm on a date! -- Best first kiss location: In the rain in the fountain in Washington Square Park LAYER TEN: -- Number of drugs taken illegally: 4 or 5 -- Number of people I could trust with my life: 2, maybe 3 -- Number of CDs that I own: Too many to count -- Number of piercings:7 -- Number of tattoos: 2 -- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? 2 -- Number of scars on my body: Many, a new, huge one! -- Number of things in my past that I regret: Time to stop... Current Mood: crazy Current Music: Evanescence - Bring Me To Life (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 6th, 2003
3:58 pm	The Countdown Has Begun I had my surgery and now I'm in my own house, in my own bed, watching my own TV (with CABLE!) and listening to my music. I should be happy to have people wait on me and to be able to sleep and do nothing all day and to even get an extra week off school, but I'm close to miserable. I miss my friends and my old dorm and the ability to walk. I hate doing stupid exercises and being constantly hooked up to an ICEMAN and having it take me 10 minutes to get ot the bathroom. Grrrr!!! Moving on, it was so nice to come home and spend time with my mom and sleep in my own bed. I forgot what real food tasted like and I think that my gastrointestinal system is getting spoiled. Okay, tired now, drugs with do that to ya... Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: Dixie Chicks (I'm so ashamed of the Countriness) (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 22nd, 2003
5:26 pm	A Long Break So, I've taken quite a long break from writing in my journal and a lot has happened. The really, really big thing that's happened is that I moved out of Tewksbury. After my surgery I won't be able to walk up the 3 flights of stairs to get to my room and since I can't live on the first floor (too much smoke), I've been moved into another dorm. I now live in Rovere, Room 100, which is, I might add, a single. That's right, I'm a freshman with a single, which is totally unheard of at Bard. Many may say that I am lucky, that they wish they had singles, when the truth of the matter is that I'm kinda lonely. I miss Tewks and Kristen and Cate and Erika, even Jon and his guitar, well, maybe not the guitar. I am now alone, which is alright, but, if given the choice, I would have stayed with Kristen in Tewks. Last night was Beers4Queers, the last party that I'll be able to go to until next year. I had a really good time and got my little party groove on, but I know that I'll be itching to go by September of next year, ready to drink and ready to dance. I have a busy night tonight, so I'm not going to write a lot, but I felt that it was time for me to drop a line...to myself...whatever Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: Indigo Girls (What else?) (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 1st, 2003
12:12 am	I Am Home So, I'm home. Back to the city, the hussle and bussle and fustration and love and confusion and I acclimate right away and it's because, of course, it is my home. Still, I miss Tewks and all my friends there. I'm so pathetic, I mean, I've been gone for less than 12 hours and I'm already sick to go back. Kristen went to a Tori Amos concert tonight with Joey. I hope she had a good time. Tomorrow she's going with Cate to another, and Raluca's going too, but not with them. I'm not sure if she's going with Anurita or by herself. Oh, let me not be a crazy stalker...I've caught the Sketchy Girl Disease from Cate! Oh NO! *he he he* I wish I could just turn things on and off, like a switch. Ashley's aunt died. The pain and struggle was too much for her and she let go. I feel so selfish, but I don't know if I can deal this. Tomorrow I'm going to comfort Ashley, but what good can I do her? I'm still dealing with my own father's death and I don't want to snap at her. If I knew I was going to die, what would I do? Tell all my friends I love them? Watch my favorite movie? Eat my favorite food? Who would I kiss last? Now I'm just getting depressed and that needs to not happen. Why is my cosmic rubber band snapping? Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Ani DiFranco - You Had Time (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, February 28th, 2003
12:40 am	City Tomorrow Tomorrow I am going back to the city for the weekend. I'm already dying. I hate going home and I don't know why, well, I mean, I do know why. I always get into a fight with my mom and I hate that and I hate being angry at her and being pissed off in general. I don't know how I'm going to deal with Spring Break, but at least I'll be really, really drugged. I can't believe it though, in a month from tomorrow I'll be having surgery, I'll receive a scar that will stand out forever...but, after that, I'll be healthy. I don't even want to think about it. Tonight, I had dinner with LASO and it was amazing, I am now a member. We ate and danced and talked and I felt like there was a sense of understanding and that everyone knew what it was like to be one of the only *blanks* in a groups. Okay, here's the truth, I'm not thinking about anything I'm writing, I'm thinking about Raluca. What I'm thinking about Raluca exactly, I'm not quite sure. Yes, I care for her very, very deeply. Yes, I'm attracted to her. Yes, I admire her. Yes, I'm totally the smitten kitten. No, I don't know what to do. I JUST WANT HER TO BE HAPPY! Well, not just, but a big part of it. My poem, you know, that one down there is for her. I ended up titling it "Tonight" which I thought was fitting. I want to read it to her, but I can't. I read it last night at this Poetry Slam, just for fun and I wanted to cry. At the same time, it felt so amazing to write something I was proud of again. I've felt so bled dry lately, unable to write. I can't even write now. I hate to cry, but at least I'm alone and can shame myself in private. I wish that I could be a better friend to her... Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: Indigo Girls - Fare Thee Well, Hope Alone (Comment on this)
Monday, February 24th, 2003
5:30 pm	?!?!?! Gay Bear Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You? brought to you by Quizilla Go Fucking Figure (Comment on this)
12:14 am	A Poem? Some times you have to It hurts to let it go, but it's better tonight Swim through and dive deep Liquid brown, eyelash buckets, salt deposits Pink lips, rosy cheeks My hands are stiff I can't breathe and then I scream Howl, torn apart Through the wood Run dry for me Run away from disobedient feelings I am broken and cannot run You can't fight the flame Walk to it Unafraid, not unaware If I had wings, I'd save you I am only the lone wolf I can't save you Don't drown, Burning Star, I am sorry Run dry for me Cry for me Because I cry for you My tears are not to buy you, But to wash your own away, Shining Star, burning bright, Pray for me with all your might, Give me strength to find my way, And power to give her a brand new day. Current Mood: pensive Current Music: Indigo Girls (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 22nd, 2003
11:21 am	A Week and A Half Later... So a week and a half later a lot of stuff has happened, I mean, I think it has if I can remember it. Last Friday was Valentine's Day and instead of going home, I did the thing I thought would be better for me, I stayed at school with my friends. First, I woke up and did the Chem lab thing, then came home and got stoned, then went out with Raluca to he DMV, then got food, then got stoned again, then went to see a movie in the Campus Center ("Heavenly Creatures," gotta rent it because I missed the middle), then came home, got stoned and had some vodka. Basically, I tried to completely block out Valentine's Day. I hate it, I do, I actually hate it. I hate it because I resent the people I love because they have valentines, and I don't and I want one. So, Saturday I drove home with Raluca and a bunch of people, and long story short, I peed on the West Side Highway. I really, really had to go and it had to be done. I mean, I wasn't about to pee in Raluca's car, and that's what it would have come to. When we got to the city, I had lunch with my mom at Ollie's and then ran around a bit. We went to dinner at Docks, which was delicious, but I didn't want to be there with my mom and grandma and Barbara. I wanted to be there with my friends, I wanted to have a real birthday dinner...oh, well. Sunday my mom drove me back and we went to lunch with Cate in Red Hook before taking a trip to the Super Stop and Shop to buy beer and snacks for my party. After my mom left, I realized that I had left my wallet in the car. There was a lovely little tantrum moment that occurred when my mom refused to drive the 10 minutes back. I mean, 10 fucking minutes, we even offered to meet her. I needed my wallet!!!! We ended up out the money situation and went back to the Super Stop and Shop to buy more beer. Sunday night was my birthday party. Kelly came and gave me the sweetest present. She gave me a bag full of Orange Tootsie Pops, my favorite! Thing was, she knew it was my favorite, but I couldn't remember ever telling her. She knew because once, about a month ago I mentioned that they were my favorite in a conversation about doctors. She remembered and went through a whole bunch to get enough, they never have enough ORANGE. She's the sweetest thing and I'm glad that I told her, even though my heart is a little broken. In my mind, I want to say it brought us closer because I was honest, but I'm probably just making that up. Anyways, my party was a lot of fun and Monday was my 19th Birthday!!!! It snowed, sooo much snow, SOOOOOO MUCH SNOW!!!! But of course, none of my classes were cancelled. My birthday was just like any oher day except for the fact that I got stoned and I'm not so big on that during the week. Cate and I were supposed to go to see the Indigo Girls on Tuesday, we were so excited!!!! I couldn't imagine anything more wonderful for a birthday present to myself than a Indigo Girls concert. It was cancelled due to snow fall in Wilmington, which is where the concert was going to be. Instead, I went out with Manny and Kelly to the Eveready (?) Diner and then watched "The Birdcage" in Manny's room. I love hanging out with them. They're so fun and happy, and they just make me want to smile and laugh all the time. Wednesday I had classes, but my knee was horribly swollen and painful. I think it was from making a snowman. Oh! That's also what I did on Tuesday. I rolled around in the snow and helped to make a snowman, it was like every dream I ever had as a child. It was amazing. So, back to Wednesday, Queer Alliance was good. I then came home and did work. Thursday, what happened? I went to my classes and then came home. Nothing exciting. No! That's a lie. Thursday I had a presentation to do for ISROP which was so scary. I couldn't remember what I was saying and got all flustered and Meg was being so quiet. It went well in the end, but so very scary. Afterwards, Nina took pictures of me for her photo class and I went home. Now we're up to Friday, but I don't have the energy. Later... Current Mood: awake Current Music: Indigo Girls (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 13th, 2003
11:24 pm	Grrrr Water Goddess. You like peace and serenity and are usually content with life. What element would you rein over? (For Girls) brought to you by Quizilla ENOUGH SAID (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, February 10th, 2003
1:46 am	Diya Is 18 Today Diya turned 18, and Cate and I threw a surprise for her in her dorm's lounge. It was great!!! She was so happy and she was actually surprised which is an aspect of surprise parties which can easily go awry. There were so many people there, even though not everyone showed up. Cate baked a Chocolate Cake and Apple Crisp, both of which we delicious, Yukari made a card with a picture of Diya from their trip to NYC, and I organized the thing. Moving on because I'm tired and I have a paper to write, Cate and I got Indigo Girls tickets for the day after my birthday!!! I'm going to see the Indigo Girls!!!! I'm freaking out, I mean, I can't believe it. Sweet Raluca is letting us borrow her car to drive to the concert and it's gonna be really intense. I'm crying listening to them now, but I did it. I told her, I told Kelly that I liked her. Some times it's hard to hear what you know to be the truth because then you really have to deal with it. I sucked it up and did it though. Basically, Kelly told me that she didn't think that a relationship would be good for us right now, that we didn't know each other as well as we could (which I agreed with) and that we would probably become very dependant upon each other which would be a horrible problem when she graduated (which I agreed with)...BUT she does like me, she thinks I'm smart and pretty, she loves being my friend, she's glad I told her and that just because now is no, no is not never. She told me one thing that made me cry and want to scream outloud; I helped her become a better person. I don't know how to describe how that made me feel. We spoke for about 2 hours and then she drove me home. I thought I was alright, but then I started to cry, howl in pain. Even though part of my heart was appeased because I had an answer, some form of understanding, but rejection is still rejection. I felt like I was being ripped in two, and all I could do was scream. My heart ached, my body ached and I couldn't get it out. The next morning when I woke up after falling asleep from crying, worn out, my face was swollen, and my eyes puffy and red. My jaw was stiff and sore from crying. I saw her that next day and I sat with her while she ate dinner. We're going to be alright, we're going to be friends for always. I almost feel like this entry came from the little girl inside me, but why? I'm tired, yes, and stressed, yes, but it's probably the fact that rejection makes me feel like the 5 year old who would wait every weekend for horseback riding lessons that never came from the drunkard father who promised them, but instead from my nanny. They say that all women marry men exactly like their fathers and I pray that doesn't apply to women also... Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Indigo Girls (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 5th, 2003
1:22 am	Sucking It Up So, I'm gonna suck it up. I'm gonna tell Kelly that I like her, I'm going to be eloquent and express my feelings for her. I don't know how and I don't know when, but I'm going to do it. I owe it to myself to do this and I owe it to her. Do I owe it to her? Does she really need to know for her own pleasure, or mine. Mine, totally mine. I spoke to Manny about it, and basically he said that I have nothing to lose. She's an understanding and loving person, she's not going to freak out and push me away forever, I mean, she might but it's highly unlikely. Either she'll return my feelings or she won't, and there's really no way I'm going to find out unless I say something. I know that she's leaving in a few months, graduating and leaving Bard forever, and I know about Quentin and Adam, but I don't care. Why waste feelings and love because you're afraid. Worse come to worse, at least it will boost her ego...I can't even joke about it, it make me feel sick inside. Perhaps, perhaps something will happen and I can make her last few months her better, even though I'm sure having some freshman girlfriend isn't exactly what she's dreaming of. She'll be away and working on her Senior Project and such, but I have to do this. I have to do it for myself and the longer I keep it inside and try to push it down to the deepest, darkest regions of my heart, the more it's tearing me apart. I love her. Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: Indigo Girls (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 2nd, 2003
2:13 am	Saturday Night So, I feel like I should have partied tonight, but the Hip Hop Party sucked so badly. We stayed for a total of 5 minutes and then came home. Page came with Cate and I, but didn't stay to watch "Down To You" with us. Cate and I knew it was cheezy, but it was still fun. Kristen just got on her computer and is writing an email to Lauryn. She misses her so badly and I wish I could help, but there's nothing I can do. How does one replace such an important part of someone's life, a soulmate? You can't! I wish I knew how to make her feel better, but I guess the only think I can really do for her is to listen and to be there for her when she needs it. She's so depressed. It makes me want to cry, and even though I feel sorry for her, on the other hand I wish I had someone that I was so close to that I suffered so. That's a horrible thought, but to have that connection with someone is utterly amazing. I'm almost jealous, but I'm not exactly sure if that's the correct word. I saw Kelly in the Campus Center on my way to the party with Cate and Diya. It was nice to see her. I pulled on her curls and she pulled on mine, it's the way that we crazy curly haired people communicate. I wish that we could just have some time together, just the two of us for an extended period of time. I know that we will, but it's hard to suppress the 3 year old inside of me that screaming for it right now! I'm even frustrated with myself and my own thoughts. Tomorrow is the PC Open House, it'll be my first step in the PC application process. I really hope that I'm a PC next year or at least my Junior year. I kinda want to be that mother figure and help people out. I think that I would be a good PC and a lot of people say the same, but they might just be saying that. I hope that I'm a PC, but if I'm not, it's not really the end of the world. If I'm a PC I don't think I really have to worry about room draw, not that I'm worried about it. I wouldn't mind living in a single in Tewks, I mean, they're huge and my knee will be healed by then. I don't want to be too far from Cate or Diya, but I don't think I could live with them together or Diya at all. It's not that I don't love Diya, I do, but it's plainly obvious that she prefers Cate to me and we would kill each other. There's no one out right now. I look out my window and half expect to see the drunk and stoned rolling around on the lawn, screaming and laughing, but then I remember that it's winter and freezing, and everyone's being crazy in their dorms. Today my heart aches, but not for Kelly or Betsy, for Kristen. With all my heart and soul, I wish I could bring Lauryn back to her. Current Mood: touched Current Music: Tori Amos (From Kristen's side of the room) (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 1st, 2003
12:41 pm	Something Happened I'm kinda pissed off. I wrote this really long journal entry before, on Thursday night I think, and I thought that it updated but for some reason it's not showing up. I don't know what's going on with my journal, it's just going crazy. Maybe it's my internet in general, I hope not. But, since my other journal entry was deleted and I'm not in the mood to type out everything I wrote before, I'm going to give the abridged version. Basically, I gave Kelly the scarf that I knit for her and she really liked it. She put it on when I gave it to her, and then she was wearing it on Thursday, which made me feel really nice because she didn't even know she was going to see me. I mean, I can flatter myself and think that she really like my scarf, or I can be realistic/depressing and say that the odds of her seeing me were probably pretty high and she figured this so therefore wore the scarf. Even so, if she wore the scarf to make me feel good, then that still means that she was thinking about my feelings which is nice. When I saw her on Tuesday night at dinner, we held hands and were talking and I felt horrible leaving Allison and Cate to talk to her, but I didn't want to stop. I missed her so much! We're going to hang out soon, I hope, and just talk. We have to catch up on all the exciting things in life. Thursday was alright and I had dinner with Jackie, which was nice. I missed her over the break also. It's odd, some times you're just drawn to someone because you feel that they're a good person, that they'd be a good friend. Jackie seems to me to be just like Cate, the friend that I was looking for in high school and found in college. I hope we become better friends as our time here progresses. Yesterday I saw Ed and went to the gym for a little bit. It felt good to work out, even though it was total torture. After 5 minutes I was ready to stop, but I just kept pushing myself, kept going. I don't know what I'm going to do after my surgery, it's not going to be fun. Oh, I also saw Fred Barnes on Thursday and we talked about what's going to happen to me after my surgery. I don't want to move, but I think I'm gonna have to. I don't want to leave Kristen or anyone else on the floor. I might get a single which could be nice, but I don't want to go! I love my life in Tewks, as scary as that seems to me, and I don't want to go. I have no choice, and that fucking sucks. Friday was a lazy day, except for my time at the gym. I think I'm going to do some work now, but I'll write later when I'm less asleep. Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: Chill Mix (Jordan Caress, The Donnas, Mirah, etc.) (Comment on this)
Monday, January 27th, 2003
4:49 pm	I'M BACK HOME!!! I can't believe I'm back!!! I'm BACK!!! This is the greatest feeling ever, I mean, so far...Kristen came back last night. I waited up for her because I thought she would be back earlier (around midnight), but she totally got back at 2am and I was dead tired. I slept until about 11am, and then got up, showered, and went to buy all my textbooks. Kline was gross, of course, and even that was comforting. I still had to go to the IGA, even though I brought all this stuff back. I'd rather talk to Kristen right now, so I'll finish later. I love that! Current Mood: busy Current Music: Tori Amos - Scarlet's Walk (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 25th, 2003
1:14 am	Almost Time To Go Home So I'll be back at school in two days, TWO DAYS!!! I can't wait! Jon's already there and so is Erika. I wonder when Kristen is coming home. I fell asleep before she came home on Thursday and was still asleep when she left for the airport on Friday, so I have no idea when she's going to be back. I have so much crap to bring back to school. I don't know how it's all going to fit in my side of the room, and I still have to get cinder blocks to raise my bed so I can store stuff under it. Also, it'll be helpful to have my bed raised when I get back to school from my surgery. It will be too hard to pull myself up from the bed everyday with my leg, so the cinder blocks will make it a lot easier. So, my surgery was scheduled today for the morning of Friday, March 28th, my first day of Spring Break. They're gonna give me a spinal block, then go into my knee, snip and release one of my outer muscles that secures my knee cap, sew my knee cap to the muscle on the other side, then slice my tibial tubericle, reposition it and then screw it back into place. I'll be on crutches for 10-12 weeks, in physical therapy for months and have a 6-9 inch scar, but (!!!) I'll be able to play volleyball in the fall and my knee pains will probably stop. I'm kinda scared that I'll screw up while I'm on crutches and really hurt myself, but I don't want to think about that. I can't wait to be back at school. I miss everyone so much! I spoke to my sweet Jon today. Poor baby, he's so hungry. I can't wait to see Cate and Diya again. I just want to hug them and talk to them and touch them to make sure that they're really there. (Side Note: Ashley left Gettysburg. She'll be attending Manhattan Marymount next semester. God give me the strength not to kill her or say something to have her want to kill me! I wish I believed in God...) I also can't wait to see Kelly. I kind of want my mom and Ashley (who's coming with us to drop me off at school) to meet her. I miss her terribly. I've been dreaming about her, but nothing I can remember, just snatches of dreams and I can remember her smile or laugh or voice. I prayed that Intersession would cure me of this, cure me of my insanity, but I lucked out. I want to hug her. I actually want to feel her. Soon I'll be back, soon... Current Mood: anxious Current Music: The Donnas (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 22nd, 2003
4:55 pm	I'm Back Okay, so I'm back and I have so much to write. So, I went to the party, I went to Chicago, I went to Wisconsin, I went back to Chicago and came back home. The party was a lot of fun. I felt so distracted the entire time, but not in a bad way. I felt like I was being bombarded with sexual energy and stimulation, but not knowing where to look. There was so much going on; so much noise and action and throbbing. Oh, it was great. The only thing that was slightly frustrating was that I was turned on, but there was nothing I could do. I was in such shock all I could do was watch and try to absorb. The party happened last Thursday, no, wait, the Thursday before last. Friday afternoon I left for Chicago/Wisconsin. Okay, I wouldn't have minded the 21 hour train ride so bad if it hadn't been for the fact that there was this horribly annoying and loud family sitting right in from on me. You know who I'm talking about, the two small kids that scream and yell and fight and talk loud, and the baby that doesn't stop screaming, with the mother who threatens to beat her kids. Ahhhh, lovely. So, we get into Chicago and I'm starving because I hadn't eaten anything except some crackers and oreos, because the food on the train sucked so hard and I didn't have time to get anything else before I got on. I met Cate, Cate's mom and Dylan at the train station and we went to Lou Mitchell's, which I was really excited about because that diner/restaurant was on the Food Network's "The Best Of..." We then drove to Wisconsin and when we got there I napped. That night Cate and I went to dinner with Karina, which was actually quite nice. The next day was Sunday and even though we slept in, we had a nice Sunday lunch, after her parents came back from Church. That day I met her sister, Kirsten, her brother-in-law, Jeremy, and her grandma. It was very nice. Basically, I spent a lot of my time in Shorewood going to all the places that Cate talks about at school. I also knit quite a bit and played Trivial Persuit. That was the most fun! One night Cate, her parents and I played Trivial Persuit, and we all end up laughing hysterically and being totally silly. Leroy, Cate's kitty, didn't know what was going on. SOOOOO FUNNY! We went to the mall too, and made "Build-A-Bears." It's pretty cool. You go in, pick out an empty shell, stuff it, brush it, clothe it and name it, and then you have your very own personalized bear. You can also have it talk or make a noise. The last night I was there (Friday night), two girls from the Macalester College Concert Choir were staying at Cate's house (they had performed at her church and her parents offered to host them for a night) and the two of them, Karina, Cate and I went Midnight Bowling. Well, it was from 10pm until 1 am, but close enough. We had a great time, and Sophie and Annie were a lot of fun. We also went for frozen custard, something I had never even heard of. It was so good, it made me want to curl up and die. Soooo much sweet chocolate! On Saturday I left Shorewood...OH! I also went to the Milwaukee Art Museum, which was pretty cool and mildly disturbing. I felt all cultured and stuff. Right, so, back to Saturday. We left Shorewood after many hugs and smiles. Cate and Karina dropped me off in Chicago after we went for, what else, Chicago-Style pizza. So heavy! After that I met Dylan at the Field Museum, which was fun, but fucking Dylan wouldn't stop talking! I love him, but he's so annoying. Some times I want to reach over and smack him or yell at him to shut up. Moving on. I met Dylan's parents and we drove to get dinner and then to Union Station so that I could catch the train home. *Side note: Dylan is one of the worst drivers I have ever been in a car with! It took him almost 15 minutes to park his tiny car in this huge space. I fucking had to coach him through it!* I get on the train armed with a box of my favorite crackers (Parmesan and Garlic Cheez-Its), a bottle of water, a bottle of soda, three books and my music. Thankfully, I had a little section to myself and could stretch out a bit on the two seats. When I woke up in Pennsylvania I found out that we were running two hours late. I finished my books, my water, my soda, ate some crackers and I was bored. Turns out, we were running three hours late. Twenty four hours later I arrived in New York City and my momma's car. I came home, at a sandwich and fell into bed. That was Sunday. Monday I did nada, yesterday I also did close to nada and today I went to the doctor. Turns out, I do need surgery! How fun! I'll have screws in my knee. Maybe one day I'll have a robotic knee just like Flynn's dad. Okay. I can't write anymore now, but I do have more to say. I don't even have the energy to check my typing. Hand cramps suck... Current Mood: cold Current Music: Indigo Girls (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 8th, 2003
11:59 am	Still Unmotivated and Lazy So, I'm still, as mentioned before, unmotivated and lazy. I didn't write yesterday, I was just too tired when I got home from the theater (I'll get to that later). That's a bad me, bad me! Anyways, I'll get over it. Yesterday afternoon and this afternoon I visited my old high school. As I walked up to the door, my heart was pounding and I was all nervous. It was kinda funny, looking back at it now. It was nice being an alum and walking through the halls. I gave Debbie a picture of me with my volleyball team at Bard. My heart soared when she moved a picture of Sydney to fit me on her board. Debbie put a picture of ME on her board, for people to see. OH, the overwhelming pride! I saw Linda too, which was so lovely. I've missed her. She wasn't only my teacher, but my advisor as well and a good friend. Today she told a whole class of freshmen how much I am missed as a part of the Chorus and musical program (I was the Music Librarian) and how versatile my voice was. I blushed horribly. It was nice to feel missed. I didn't get to see Marie, or talk to Sue, or joke with Denman, or dish with Chris. I have to go back and see everyone. It's so hard to see everyone at once. Golriz, Emma, Richard, Annie and Alex were there, and Addia showed up after I left, but it was hard to see so many people at once. I am more excited that Bobby is coming to Bard next year after talking to him, but I'm pissed as hell that Stephanie Feinman got into Bard. If she comes to my school I will kill her, I hate her. Such a phony little bitch. Anyways, moving on. Last night I went to go see "Hairspray" on Broadway with Ashley. It was great!!! At first, I thought it was going to be disappointing, but it was really good. The music was catchy and fun, the sets were great, the choreography was exciting, plus, I love gay men, especially when they're in drag. I could be Tracy Turnblad, I could totally play that part. I'm chubby, I can dance, I can sing and I'm a complete drama queen! After medical school, we'll see. It was nice going out to the theater and then a quick dinner at The Olive Garden (it was the only thing open that wasn't horribly expensive). Ashley and I have been so stressed out lately, and it was nice to have a night away from everything. Tomorrow night is the party and I'm so nervous. I'm excited also, but nervous. I'm kind of a shy person, though most people don't believe that. Tomorrow is a very busy day, I mean, I have a doctor's appoinment (for my knee) and then I'm getting my hair cut (that's a little secret, I hope Cate doesn't read that before I get to Wisconsin) and the party and I have to pack and clean my room. Craziness. I feel like I've kinda been suppressing my thoughts lately. I miss Kelly and Cate and Diya (and everyone else, of course) so much, some times I don't even know what to do with myself. I miss the hugs the most. I miss feeling squished between my friends and hearing them squeak a little bit, just like I do when I give hugs. I honestly didn't think anyone else did that. But I'll be with Cate soon, not soon enough. I never thought I'd make friends like them. I am truly lucky and I hope that no matter where we are, any of us, we will still be friends. I feel like I'd die without them. Current Mood: awake Current Music: Indigo Girls and Hairspray Soundtrack (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 7th, 2003
1:35 am	Two Days I've been lazy, I haven't been writing. It's odd (or maybe not) but lately I haven't felt like writing, yet, when I sit down I end up writing quite a bit. Yesterday I had dinner with Ashley and Kerri at Ash's house. Kerri was going to cook for us, but there ended up being issues, so we ordered Chinese. It was really high class. I had brought a bottle of champagne left over from New Years and some dessert, which we didn't eat, so we drank champagne out of wine glasses (we didn't have flutes) and ate Chinese food out of the containers. Then we had vanilla vodka cokes and watched "Fast Times at Ridgemont High." Serious class. I saw pictures of Luca!!! He's too cute with his little squished nose and his big green eyes and his big hands. So adorable. Oh! And I saw Ash's dad's movie! It was the greatest. It's like watching my dad, I mean, Mr. Quinn is pretty close to being my dad. Today I woke up so much later than I should, ate lunch, ran some errands for my mom and went baby-sitting. This little boy, Gabriel, was so great. He was cute, smart, sweet and he listened. A baby-sitters dream! His parents were also very, very nice. While we were eating, Gabriel pulled out one of the photo holiday greetings, you know the ones, they start out as photos and they add a bottom border with a message. It was a wedding picture of two women, Allison and Gretchen, and along with the holiday message, they were thanking the family for coming to their wedding. That made me so happy! I don't know why a lesbian wedding should make me so happy, but it did. Tomorrow I'm visiting Friends, and I'm a bit scared. I haven't seen most of my friends still at Friends since June and I've pretty much disappeared. I miss them terribly, but it's been so hard for me to talk to anyone since my dad died. Oh! I also saw Addia in the supermarket on Saturday. She, I miss almost more than anyone. Sweet Addia, basketball star, great friend, we always went home together. When she went to France Junior year, I missed her so much. I felt so lonely. When she came back, we were closer than before. I'm going to try to visit her when I go visit Golriz in the spring. I'm tired and since I'm going to be up for school tomorrow (first bell is at 8:15) I should get to sleep. Nuh nite to me! Current Mood: excited Current Music: Indigo Girls (Comment on this)