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Wednesday, March 19th, 2003
5:56 pm - oh BLAH
Woke up with a cold today . . . so I went back to sleep and skiped class. Damnit. Went to sexual decisions and did poorly on the test . . .32/39, whatever that is. I got all the scientfic stuff correct, just missed a few of those "What is most likely to cause blah blah blah," Maybe I'm just weird, but I find those questions incredibly difficult cause my twisted little brain can always come up with plausible (or plausible to me!) senerios for each answer. Like one question:
Which is least likely to affect fertility?
a. Stress
B. Smoking
C. Vitamin Defficiensies
D. Obesity

Well, if you're stressed, the realise of corticoids hampers homormone levels, making you less likely to to ovulate or have the correct hormones to maintain pregnancy. Cigarette smoke harms levels of oxygen and decreased fertility. Obviously if you have extreme vitamin problems you're body won't be healthy enough to ovulate, and if you're obese the homone levels are skewy (I know, I did a whole project on it!) So how you freakin determine which is "Least likely"? They're all likely, just depends on the person.

Ok, that was a long and rather boreing rant.

There is a whole crop of actresses comming up that I totally despite -- Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, amanda Bynes, and Hilary Duff -- if I had the time and sniper riffle . . .

Got called into the nurse yesterday . . thought it was due to my rotten tounsils, but apparently "someone" wrote an anaymous email expressing concern. I bet my life it was either Lauren or Annakee, with my money on Lauren. How dare she?!?! I would probably be hurt even if I honestly thought she was doing it out of concen, but I know she's looking to have me kicked out of school or something to that matter. WTF? I mean, seriously, she is 21 years old -- she should not be resorting to this low level shit.
A) Ok, she decided to get mad at me because I called her on true shit she was saying. Before I got out a full sentance she started screaming and crying and slamming the door in my face.
B. She won't talk to me and has told other people they are not allowed to talk to me.
C) She pulled the health crap.

Can we BE anymore juvenile?!?!?!

There are good things of course, which I'm sure I'll be able to remember later!

(6 bitchy rants | bitch at me)

Monday, March 17th, 2003
7:07 pm - My oh my, what a day
First day of classes, back from spring break. I slept like a bitch last night, so I'll have to turn in early tonight. Went to class -- Molecular Cell is *such* a thrill! Came back -- read. (I have so much homework to do, kinda scared, can I get it all done?!?!)

Went to Sexual Decisions and we saw a movie "The Miracle of Life." Saw a baby being born. Crossed my legs. Vowed to never have sex again. Am waiting for my period right now (it's not late or anything, just waiting for it.) I better not be pregnant. I doubt I am.

Cenate came over and we went out, as per usual. Since I finall got my car back (Bessie, I love you!!) Went to the mall, played in the arcade for a little bit. Cenate is absolutly CRAZY for this dance dance fever thing, so he played that while I shot things with guns and drove like a maniac. Hehe, it was fun! Then we ran down the up esculator and sat in the food court telling stories about the people we saw. I think he felt a little self conscious cause if I said a guy looked cute he immediatly had to bash him. Awe, how cute. We then crammed into a photo booth and took horrible pictures.

THEN we went to beyond taboo and I got my boobies pierced. It really didn't hurt that much, and at one point when Lil Rat was adjusting the hoops, it felt pretty damn good. Like turned on good. I just love tattooists and peircers -- they are the coolest people ever. I had Cenate take a before and after picture, which I'll post when they develop. Lil Rat took a pic too. Cenate was kinda quiet about the whole thing -- I think he thought I was doing it for him, but I totally assured him it was for me. I've wanted to get it done for so long, but I felt so freaking self conscious about my body, so it was rather liberating to be topless and being touched for the hell of it.

So we got back, and started messing around. Cenate is all upset cause no playing or sucking for one month ;) It was nice kissing, and my head did fit perfectly on his sholder. I gave him a BJ and he seemed to enjoy it well -- said it was one of if not the best he ever got. Ye haw for me.

Found out that Lauren and Annakee are still mad at me, and Lauren basically forbid Annakee to talk to me. Hello, aren't we in college? I thought we had outgrown all of that immature shit. Oh well, if they wany to villify me and all that shit, go ahead. Knock themselves out. Litteraly.

Ok, reallllllly need to do homework, so I'm out!

(6 bitchy rants | bitch at me)

Sunday, March 16th, 2003
1:22 am - yeah baby
You are Jack the Ripper. Yours were some of the
most brutal murders recorded in history--yet
your case is still to this day unsolved. You
came from out of the fog, killed violently and
quickly and disappeared without a trace. Then
for no apparent reason, you satisfy your blood
lust with ever-increasing ferocity, culminating
in the near destruction of your final victim,
and then you vanish from the scene forever. The
perfect ingredients for the perennial thriller.
You are quite the mysteriously demented?

Which Imfamous criminal are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

(bitch at me)

Friday, March 14th, 2003
11:33 pm - Ironic, since my B-day is June 23rd ;)

What month should you have been born in?

this quiz was made by Erin

(1 bitchy rant | bitch at me)

11:33 pm - Blah blah blah
Today was uneventful as all get out . . woke up super late, around 3. Picked up the little sis at 4 and then kidnapped her to do some shopping -- went to the good will and basically got a whole new wardrobe for 30 bucks. Jesus, I love good will shopping. Esp. since it helps me to refine my own personal style -- although it's kinda weird to think of me actually having a destinctive style, but I guess I do. Damn, I am such a clothes and shoes whore. Kato and I got back and went out to dinner with my mom -- Chineese food. After that we went to K-Mart to get my sister some more soccer cleats.

Anyways, I walked from the Chineese place to K-Mart because my stomach was feeling a little queasy. Ugh, it was so horrible, cause I basically just threw up, no warning. Luckily I was walkjing back behind the buildings near the woods, but it still was rather gross and scary. How can I get over my stupid ED if my body rebels against me. I wasn't even thinking about throwing up because the food I ate was pretty healthy. But blagrh. Yuck. I was a mess, but there was a port-o-toilet around so I grabbed some toilet paper and cleaned myself off. So yeah, how pretty a picture is that? I hope i'm not comming down with the flu though, cause Kato had that. I really don't know why I threw up, unless my body has gotten to the point where it doesn't like any food. Grrr.

So got to Kmart and bought more clothes. Can you tell that I am a total clothes and shoe junkie?!?! Got a nice little outfit for cousin Emily's wedding. Oh my god, her wedding invite is the funniest thing -- it reads "Zane (Emily's son) invites you to the marriage of his parents, Emily and (whatever her fiance's name is, I can't remember.) Hmm, can we flaunt the fact that he is a bastard child anymore? But anyways, I have a cute little dress and I even got a hat to go with it. I plan on playing up the whole Southern Belle thing totally. I wanna wear big Jackie-O sunglasses, and when ever anyone comes up to me, I want to tip the glasses forward and say in a snotty smooth Southern voice (Think Julia Sugarbaker on Designing Women) "Charmed, I'm sure."

The other big thing I did was shoplift something today. A scarf apparently got caught up in my dress and I didn't really notice. Gonna go and return it tomorrow. Or not ;) It's a bit of a thrill knowing that Katie tried to shoplift over the summer and got caught, and I was succesful. Anyways, I got my little bad girl thrill from it, so I'm gonna return it tomorrow.

That's about it for now, except I feel dumb. I went on and on about it being my one month anniversery with Cenate yesterday, but it's actually today since our first date was on Valentine's day. Silly me!

(3 bitchy rants | bitch at me)

1:48 am - Well isn't this just damn frickin adorable ;)
BlueAthena: It's nice to be wanted ;) and desired ;)
effortswasted00: believe me, you are. :D
BlueAthena: Ehh, I don't believe you. You'll have to prove it to me on Sautrday ;)
effortswasted00: oh? will I? this sounds like a taunt... ;D
BlueAthena: lol. Take it in whatever sense that thou wilt ;)
effortswasted00: oooh, you're so cute when you speak Olde English.

(1 bitchy rant | bitch at me)

Thursday, March 13th, 2003
11:53 pm
Just FYI -- I'm not normally such a poor typist -- my keyboard just sucks at this location!!

(bitch at me)

Wednesday, March 12th, 2003
8:01 pm

You Should Pose For Playboy!

You're looking to hit the big with mansions and celebrities - and Playboy's your ticket baby!

You'll party with the hottest stars and become Hugh Hefner's favorite girl (or at least one of six).

As a Playboy bunny, you'll swim in the grotto and be the object of every guy's fantasy.

Playboy is very selective about who they let in, but you just might have what it takes.

Who knows? You may be stomping all over Pamela Anderson with your come-fuck-me platforms!

What Porn Magazine Would Kill to Have You On the Cover?

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Your Secret Fetish Is Piercings!

Not only is the pain a big rush, as you know, piercings are a great sexual enhancer.

Sure, you may not be able to get a job with your punctured face,

but you will have incredible sex!

Kiss and suck away, but don't get your piercings locked with your lover's.

What's *Your* Secret Fetish? Click Here to Find Out!

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You Are A Freaky Kisser!

From tounge and lip piercings to not so nice biting,

you're a basket full of kissing surprises.

In fact, your kissing syle is so ...

scary that you've been known to send a few dates packing.

No need to worry, somewhere in the world there is a kisser freaker than you!

What Your Kissing Style Says About You:

You live life on the edge, trying everything twice and usually loving it.

Most people are too "vanilla" for your tastes - even the ones most consider wild.

Life is all about undiscovered pleasures, and you're up for finding them.

Your Personal Kissing Matches and Mismatches:

Find another Freaky Kisser and you'll be pleasantly shocking one another with how far
you'll go. Kissing while driving a motorcycle at 75mph? No problem! Want to spread your
freak around? Get together with a Manic Kisser, and you'll be kissing the whole party,
tag team style.

Warning: Stay away from Intense Kissers. They'll want to get a little
too deep into the philosophy of kissing, while you're just into it for the fun. And Juicy Kissers are
no good for you either. They're all about appearances and might have a problem with your lip and tongue piercings.

How Do *You* Kiss?

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hooker ass

You Have a Hooker Ass!

Watch out honey!

Your ass can make money.

If you want to score a couple bills,

Offer it up and take some pain pills.

What Ass Do *You* Have??

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cam ho

Your Hidden Sexual Talent is Cam Ho-ing for Cash

You've got red lipstick and an X10.

For a few bucks the fun will begin.

Your pants won't be on for long,

If someone offers to buy you a new thong.

What's *Your* Hidden Sexual Talent?

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g-string panties

You Are G-String Panties!

100% pure raw sex, baby!

You're hot and not afraid to flaunt it.

What's Kind of Panties Are *You*?

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(bitch at me)

7:34 pm
Today was a run of the mill day . . . went to the dentist (Ya I'm such a freak since I acually love getting m teeth cleaned. I could fall asleep in those chairs, I swear.) Got my hair cut. Thinking about dying it tonight-- we'll see.



Which means you’re as innocent as can be. Or rather, you look it.

Why, you’re practically a virgin.

“Practically” because even Little Miss Innocent will one day grow up to be Little Miss Sex Kitten.

You like to play the girl next door, and you’re rather good at it.

But when push comes to fuck, you can get down with the best of them.

And have, on more than one occasion.

But pat yourself on the back, Meryl Streep, for acting so well.

You got everyone fooled. That’s an art!

Is *Your* Pussy Sweet or Sour?

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upside down 69

Your Sex Position is Upside Down 69

Daring. Dangerous. And oh so tasty.

You go crazy when you go south -

And you love getting it in the mouth.

What's Your Sex Position?

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pierced nipple

You Have a Pierced Nipple!

In school, your nipple was voted most likely to be pierced.

Hmmmm, imagine that!

What Nipple Do You Have?

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needs boost

You Don't Need a Boob Job, But You Do Need a Boost

Push up bra. Ever heard of it? Girl, you sure can

give the illusion of being stacked. But in the end,

you're still on the small side. Consider surgery.

Do *You* Need a Boob Job? Click Here to Find Out!

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naughty duckie

You Are A Naughty Duckie!

Draw a bath

Start up the duck

More satisfying than

Your latest fuck!

What Sex Toy Are *You*?

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barbie with a dick

You Are Barbie With a Dick!

You come complete with pink man-panties,
athletic cup, and an extra large bottle of lotion.

Pocket pussy and penis pump sold separately.

Not recommended for children under age 6.

What Naughty Barbie Are *You*?

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You Are Just Experimenting - For Now...

You are a sex-crazed girl. You love to get off using toys, as well as with men and women.

When you get horny, you go crazy!

You've gone down on both chicks and dicks and have no conclusive response.

You like men who are particularly sensitive and caring. There are some!

You love showing your body off.

The locker rooms, and other places like the swimming pool, are special places to get naughty in public.

Overall, you dig sex, and you love to try new things.

Hence, you are an experimenter!

Are *You* a Lesbian?

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tongue piercing

You Are A Tongue Piercing

You're extremely oral (like you didn't know that!)

You love going down... on girls and guys!

You're not one to be too naughty in public -

You like to save it all for the bedroom.

What Piercing Are *You*?

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(bitch at me)

2:46 pm - What happens when other people ready this journal . . .
effortswasted00: hey doll.
BlueAthena: Finally ;)
BlueAthena: What, you didn't like my poem? ;)
effortswasted00: yeah. I'm thinking Thursday, sweetie.
effortswasted00: Mom wants me to help her with the bills tomorrow.
BlueAthena: Ok, i'll see what I can do about Thursday then :)
effortswasted00: ok, keen.
BlueAthena: I'll drop you a line tomorrow if I can.
effortswasted00: ok, sweet.
effortswasted00: cannot wait. seriously. stupid dentist. :D
BlueAthena: lol, you're the one helping your mom ;) So it all worked out for the best.
effortswasted00: yeah, I guess. :D
BlueAthena: You guess? Lol, I would have gotten pissy if you had called me up tomorrow, at, like 11:45 and canceled on me, so at least I know now :)
effortswasted00: hehehe. I was going to email you, but you're online.
BlueAthena: well duh ;)
effortswasted00: yeah!
BlueAthena: But seriously, when it rains it pours . .. there are so many friends I haven't talked to in forever, and all of a sudden they come pouring out of the woodwork.
effortswasted00: crazy! oh no, am I gonna keep you from seeing them?
BlueAthena: lol, I don't think so ;)
effortswasted00: ok, good.
effortswasted00: i'd feel bad about that.
BlueAthena: I have the dentist and doctor and Katie tomorrow. Johnnie wants me to come down and visit him on Thursday plus Richie wants to go out for drinks. Then Josh wants to go to Savannah either Friday and/or Saturday. And then I go back to school on Sunday. My Spring break barely started and it already feels over!
effortswasted00: man! ooh, savannah this weekend? crazy times!
BlueAthena: I know . . I've been absolutly dying to go, and Josh is the only one who will go with me :)
effortswasted00: I'd go!
effortswasted00: except that I have to work Friday night.
BlueAthena: Lol, you don't want to trapse around Savannah with me ;)
effortswasted00: Why not?
effortswasted00: I'd keep an eye on you, that's why! haha.
BlueAthena: haha. No, Josh is a sweetie, and I'll probably end up marrying him someday, but I'm not sleeping with him.
BlueAthena: Although we do always end up acting like an old married couple when we go out.
effortswasted00: no, no, I meant in general. to make sure you don't get TOO crazy.
BlueAthena: lol, puh-lease don't turn into my parent ;)
effortswasted00: not parent, per se.
BlueAthena: Oh, that means I might not see you till Monday or next Thursday. Grrr.
effortswasted00: wait, what does?
BlueAthena: We both just have so much to do.
BlueAthena: Blah, I hope I don't have to wait to the 20th to see you!
effortswasted00: yeah, that'd suck! I'd really LIKE thursday, personally.
BlueAthena: Yeah, that's what I'm talking about -- next Thursday.
effortswasted00: ..oh. i thought you meant like day after tomorrow.
BlueAthena: I know. But it just seems like our calanders are booked until nearly the end of next week!
effortswasted00: yeah. darnit.
effortswasted00: this sucks.
BlueAthena: C'est la vie.
effortswasted00: true, but still. damnit, man.
BlueAthena: lol, you'll survive. I'm sure by next week you'll have forgotten about me :)
effortswasted00: noo!
effortswasted00: ummm. shit.
effortswasted00: lemme see. how can i wrangle up some libby time...
BlueAthena: Cenate, if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be.
effortswasted00: Feh. I don't like the sound of that. :D
BlueAthena: I'm sorry, but it's the truth.
effortswasted00: I know.
effortswasted00: I'm trying to be optimistic here, dollface. ;D
BlueAthena: so . . . yeah.
effortswasted00: When would you be leaving Friday?
BlueAthena: I have no idea.
BlueAthena: It depends on when he gets out of class and if his parents will let him go.
effortswasted00: Oooh.
BlueAthena: I dunno, maybe I can push Johnnie to some other time since he is down in Valdosta and when I'm in Macon I'll be closer to him anyways . . .
effortswasted00: hm. i don't want you blowing off your long time friends for me.
BlueAthena: Don't lie ;) Yes you do ;)
effortswasted00: No, seriously, I don't. I do want to see you, but that's kind of uncool.
BlueAthena: Well, I personally would rather wait till he had a girlfriend to go down and see him, cause right now he's single, so when I go down he's gonna want to drink and mess around, since we used to be fuck buddies.
effortswasted00: Oho. mayhap you SHOULD wait. A-heh.
BlueAthena: Just being honest ;)
BlueAthena: However, please note that I said "he'd want to drink and mess around," not that we WOULD drink and mess around :)
effortswasted00: I know.
effortswasted00: i
effortswasted00: i'm just SAYING. ;D
BlueAthena: He's on now. I'm going to ask him.
effortswasted00: K.
BlueAthena: lalalala. He's been drinking, and on a school night ;)
effortswasted00: tut tut!
BlueAthena: Then again, I once took a shot before a final.
effortswasted00: heh.
BlueAthena: It calmed me down -- worked rather well actually :)
effortswasted00: heh!
effortswasted00: shame shame, I know your name.
BlueAthena: I should hope so! You've dated me long enough ;)
BlueAthena: And will hopefully continue dating me for atleast two more days.
BlueAthena: Ok, Johnnie and I reached an agreement: I don't have to go down and see him on Thursday as long as the next time I'm down there I have to flash him.
effortswasted00: !!!
effortswasted00: SO LOENLY.
effortswasted00: tee hee. yes, I'll be around for another two days, at least. :D
BlueAthena: Loenly? Why are you "loenly"
BlueAthena: We'll discuss it after two days :)
effortswasted00: no, not me.
BlueAthena: Are you calling me lonely? ;)
effortswasted00: no, silly.
effortswasted00: why would you be lonely? you've got lots of friends.
BlueAthena: Then who the hell are you calling lonely? lol
effortswasted00: ...i don't know.
BlueAthena: Weirdo ;)
effortswasted00: ...Really? :D
BlueAthena: You know it ;)
BlueAthena: My my my, my online journaly thing is getting a long entry about you tonight ;)
BlueAthena: So sorry if I seem preoccupied -- I've been typing.
effortswasted00: oh dear!
effortswasted00: What about me?
BlueAthena: lol
BlueAthena: Aren't we a little paranoid.
effortswasted00: more egotistical. :D
BlueAthena: haha
BlueAthena: I don't think you';d want to read th
BlueAthena: *this
BlueAthena: Geez I can't type anymore.
effortswasted00: uh oh, is it bad?
BlueAthena: finished
BlueAthena: Ok, I should probably be nice and stop bothering you :)
effortswasted00: You're not bothering me, sweetie.
BlueAthena: Lol, why do I always come off as slightly unstable in our late night talks ;)
effortswasted00: ionno... you need sleep?
BlueAthena: lol, you're right ;)
BlueAthena: I just need to stop talking to you at night so I won't come off so badly ;)
effortswasted00: naw, I don't mind.
effortswasted00: I don't think badly of you.
BlueAthena: Whateva. You're just being sweet. Which is nice consdiering I'm a fucking horrible conversationalist right now ;)
effortswasted00: eh. we all have our off days, babydoll.
BlueAthena: I said everything in my journal, so I guess I used up all of my words ;)
effortswasted00: want to seeee. :D
BlueAthena: lol, no you don't.
effortswasted00: is it that bad?!
BlueAthena: It's just . . from what clips you've sent me of your journal, it's all happy and funny. Mine is more of a rant.
effortswasted00: Oh, mine gets bitchy.
effortswasted00: When I feel like bitching.
effortswasted00: Are you ranting about me!?
BlueAthena: kinda, in a way.
effortswasted00: Uh oh. What's up?
BlueAthena: lol, now I'm sorry I brought it up. It's nothing. Don't worry. Go back to your G.I. Joes or Transformers :)
effortswasted00: Oookay.
BlueAthena: Is it really going to bother you?
effortswasted00: In a "oh shit, she's upset with me?" way.
BlueAthena: I can't believe I'm doing this, but I'd rather I be upset than you, so here
effortswasted00: You didn't have to do that, dollface.
BlueAthena: knock yourself out. You have permission.
BlueAthena: But I warned you. ;)
effortswasted00: LIbby.
effortswasted00: 1: You deserve *better* than what I have to offer.
BlueAthena: This is soooo embaressing. Where is that hole that is supposed to open up and swallow me whole?
effortswasted00: 2: Libby. You are a beautiful woman.
effortswasted00: You don't have to do this to yourself.
BlueAthena: yikes, where is a large cliff to jump from when you need it ;)
effortswasted00: Don't be ashamed or embarassed.
effortswasted00: That's the last thing I want right now.
effortswasted00: Finally: I like you, Libby. I like you a LOT.
BlueAthena: Oh my god, I feel like I'm three years old and being lectured to by the teacher ;)
effortswasted00: Enough that it hurts me to read some of this stuff, because I think about you hurting yourself, and it just makes me so incredibly sad.
BlueAthena: Why?
effortswasted00: When you saw the shooting star sunday, and told me to make a wish, I wished that one day, you'd see yourself as being the beautiful person I see you as.

I know that telling you supposedly queers the wish or whatever, but fuck wishes.
BlueAthena: Sweetie, don't worry. Don't be sad :)
effortswasted00: Because you don't have to do this. You don't NEED to do this. You're stronger than that, and you and I both know it.
effortswasted00: I'm going to worry, because you're engaged in an unhealthy activity. I'd be just as concerned if you were drinking heavily or doing drugs.
effortswasted00: And if I didn't legitimately care about you, I'd wash my hands of the matter.
BlueAthena: But it's not worth your time and effort to worry :) Worry about your mom and your dad and your brother, not me. I'll be fine :)
effortswasted00: You don't get it.
effortswasted00: We all have our addictions, dear.
effortswasted00: You fret over your body.
effortswasted00: I fret over everybody.
BlueAthena: But any worry you have directed towards me could be used for so much more nobler things, like . . . slowing the destruction of the rainforest, or getting into grad school ;)
effortswasted00: I'd rather take care of the people I care about.
effortswasted00: Because in the long run, it doesn't matter where I go to grad school or how much money I make, none of that means a good goddamn if I don't have my people to share it with.
BlueAthena: Lol, I so would not have showed you that if I thought it would make you worry.
BlueAthena: Well, then worry about the people that you're going to share your future with then :)
effortswasted00: I admit, it was nagging in the back of my mind that you were still at it.
effortswasted00: And don't gimme that vague drama queen business. I'm on to you now, sister. :D
BlueAthena: Puh-lease don't worry. It's ok :) I can take care of myself :)
effortswasted00: Who says I WON'T share my future with you?
effortswasted00: You're still doing it, hon.
BlueAthena: When I think future I think, like, 5, 10 years down the road :)
effortswasted00: That doesn't particularly sound like taking care of yourself.
effortswasted00: And? Who cares if it's fifty years down the road. What's to say things won't work out like that? They might not, but they might. That's the crazy thing about life.
BlueAthena: That's right; I'll be your housecleaner in 50 years ;) Or your nanny for your 2.3 children ;)
effortswasted00: Knock it off. You know what I mean.
BlueAthena: lol, no, I really don't.
effortswasted00: Quit hedging, and hear me out. I like you a hell of a lot. And I'm pretty sure you like me a lot, too.
effortswasted00: So scuttle the double-talk and the drama, and let things happen.
BlueAthena: Fine, talk ;) I can't help it if I use humor as a defense mechanism.
effortswasted00: So do I, but I know when to buckle down and shoot straight.
BlueAthena: ok,ok, I'm hearing you out. I won't type another thing until you say I can.
effortswasted00: And I'm being serious. Serious like cancer.

I think you're an incredible, talented, brilliant woman. I like you a hell of a lot, and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I also think you're gorgeous as you are, and the fact that you feel like you aren't good enough for whatever reason upsets me. Whatever happens between us, I don't want you to be afraid. Of being hurt, or anything else, for that matter.
It's not quite an appropriate time yet, but when it comes, I'm willing to trust you with my heart, and I hope you feel the same way about me. If it comes to that, that's a chance I'm willing to take. This sounds cheesy as shit, I know, but I figure if I reach out... maybe you'll grab hold.

And you can talk now. :D
BlueAthena: um, not really sure how to respond to that.
effortswasted00: Yeah, it's kind of a big load of stuff to dump on you at once.
effortswasted00: But I can sum it up real quick.
I like you a bunch.
You not liking yourself makes me sad.
I don't want you to be afraid, because that's no kind of way to live your life.
BlueAthena: hmmm
BlueAthena: I wish you wouldn't keep saying I don't like myself.
effortswasted00: Maybe I'm wrong, but isn't that why you keep trying to change yourself in such a violent way?
BlueAthena: I'm not happy with the way I look, true, but I don't think of that as not liking myself. Other than apperance, I'm pretty content with who I am. Yeah, that makes me concieted, but oh well. ;)
effortswasted00: Like I said, maybe I'm wrong, but it just... it seems unhealthy to me.
BlueAthena: I'm not arguing with you. It's a horrible coping mechanism. I wish I could just never eat again and be done with it.
effortswasted00: ...

oh, sweetie.
effortswasted00: You're gonna think I'm a dick, but you really ought to consider therapy.
BlueAthena: But I do like to differentiate between my looks -- my physical apperance, and my personality. Who I am is based on my personality, not my looks. And I like my personality.
effortswasted00: I like your personality too! I also like your looks.
BlueAthena: Well, see, then you have nothing to worry about :)
BlueAthena: My personality isn;t going to change -- I'm always going to be me :)
BlueAthena: For better or for worse, lol ;)
effortswasted00: yes, I do! because you're doing bad things to your body because you don't like it.
effortswasted00: Heh.
BlueAthena: Well, playing devil's advocate -- who really cares if I don't like my physical appearance?
effortswasted00: If it leads to unhealthy and potentially dangerous behavior, you should.
effortswasted00: And the people who care about you should.
BlueAthena: Lol, I'm not going to be able to change your mind, now am I?
effortswasted00: No.
BlueAthena: And who said I'm afriad? lol
effortswasted00: Because like I said, I see this as just as dangerous as drinking too much or cutting on yourself or something like that. It's an unhealthy addiction.
BlueAthena: Well, I wish people who eat healthy and exercise, but that doesn't always happen.
effortswasted00: "Why can't I just fucking cut the drama out? Just be upfront for once. Say "I really like you, and I hope you like me to." Why can't I just believe it when he says he likes me? Why do I have to make everything so silly and complicated?"

effortswasted00: You're afraid of getting hurt, sweetie.
BlueAthena: Well hell yeah I'm afriad of getting hurt. But that doesn't mean I'm going to be inactive and not do anything.
effortswasted00: I know.
effortswasted00: I'm just saying that there's no reason to be like that.
BlueAthena: Lol, says who? You of all people should know ;)
effortswasted00: SHould know what?
effortswasted00: What it's like to get hurt?
BlueAthena: That it sucks to be hurt
effortswasted00: Yeah, I do.
effortswasted00: But I don't regret it.
BlueAthena: I can't help it -- I've been taught to be independant.
effortswasted00: That's not what I mean.
BlueAthena: Oh grrr, I really wish we didn't have to have serious conversations like this. I always end up comming off as so awful ;)
BlueAthena: But then again, it is all part of my clever ploy to get you to dump me ;)
BlueAthena: I'm joking, I'm joking!
effortswasted00: Heh.
effortswasted00: Please don't joke like that.
BlueAthena: Sorry, didn't know I hit a touchy subject.
effortswasted00: no, not touchy per se.
effortswasted00: Just not terribly funny. :D
BlueAthena: Sorry. Take a deep breath ;)
effortswasted00: It's OK. :D
BlueAthena: I'm really sorry I upset you. That's why I didn't really want to share, because those are my rants, i.e. my extreme emotions. 99% of the time I don't think that way.
effortswasted00: It's OK.
effortswasted00: I understand, and again, I like to know where you're coming from.
BlueAthena: No, it's really not ok. Now I've made you all uncomfortable and shit, and you feel like you have to watch out for me. But you really don't. It really is ok :)
effortswasted00: Mmph.
effortswasted00: I watch out for you like I watch out for Zack or Abby or anyone else.
BlueAthena: I really rather you didn't ;)
effortswasted00: If they're getting into a sitiuation that I think might be bad, I will tell them. I think you are in a bad situation. c'est la vie.
BlueAthena: But it makes me feel even worse to know that I'm causing you to worry.
effortswasted00: It's what I do.
effortswasted00: hey, you stop throwing up, I stop worrying. Deal? :D
BlueAthena: Deal.
effortswasted00: OK. So knock it off! :D
BlueAthena: Lol, we are absolutly perfect for each other or should break up immediatly and never talk again. I'm not really sure whih ;)
effortswasted00: I'm hoping for the former. ;D
effortswasted00: You're me! But with boobs.
BlueAthena: and less facial hair ;)
effortswasted00: Well, yeah. And a vagina. But you know what I mean.
effortswasted00: Hell, I've got my OWN eating problems. Just, you know, the opposite.
BlueAthena: Don't worry about it.
BlueAthena: lol, wait, I forgot who I was talking to ;)
effortswasted00: heh. I worry less about myself.
BlueAthena: Well, ditto.
BlueAthena: ;)

(bitch at me)

1:45 am - Grrrr
Why do I have to be such a fucking drama queen?

Here I am in a perfectly good relationship with Cenate, a totally decent guy -- doesn't hit me or any shit like that -- and it's like I'm DETERMINED to ruin it BECAUSE he's a nice guy!

I mean, I know why -- it's because I can't stand to have my heart broken. Break it off (or be such a drama bitch so the guy breaks it off for you, although in the case of Bill the Tech-loser-stalker, he had no pride and/or dignity whatsoever, so no matter what I did he always came crawling back and begging me -- littearly -- to take his sorry ass back. But I digress.) before anyone gets really hurt. Really involved.

Why can't I just fucking cut the drama out? Just be upfront for once. Say "I really like you, and I hope you like me to." Why can't I just believe it when he says he likes me? Why do I have to make everything so silly and complicated?

Here I am -- I have plans for the next couple of weeks to be with friends, etc, so there's a chance that I might not see him for a while. I should just say "Don't forget me!" but instead I have to be all ominious and pessimistic and say shit like "Maybe things just aren't meant to work out." But for once in my whole fucking life I actually want things to work out . . . I don't know what I want them to "work out" to . . . just . . .you know . . . work out!!

And I know Chris is a total slimeball and a player, but I can't help but hear his words, that I shouldn't fight it . . . that he and I are one of a kind . . . we drink, sleep around, and generally cause chaos on innocent people's lives. Granted, Chris was trying to get me drunk and into bed again when he was saying this, but still . . . what if I am the female version of Chris?

Scary thought. Might have to go curl into a fetal position now, lol!!

Smile sweetie, things have GOT to get better! :) There is so much good going on in the world, must remember that!

current mood: frustrated

(2 bitchy rants | bitch at me)

12:40 am
My Phase is Olbos

Which Phase of the Greek Tragic Cycle Are You?

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Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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(bitch at me)

12:15 am - Happiness for me is . . .
Cenate, Cenate, get online silly!

Talked to Josh earlier. I just don't know what to do with that boy. I love him so -- it's almost scary how much we can connect when we want to, but he's just so sensitive. I just wish he would go into therapy -- antidepressants don't totally turn your personality around . . . just make life a little more bearable.

But he's kinda like Lauren in that I think he's happiest when he's most miserable . . . which I just don't understand at all. I just want to be happy! I know, I know -- now you can see where I get my nickname of Little Miss Mary Fucking Sunshine, but I really am that way . . .

I walked to the lake today, taking liberal amounts of time to play around in the bogs. . . . reminded me of being at Jeckyl (sp?!?!?) Got all muddy -- wonderful. Then I finally got to the lake, which had a liberal amount of people for being 4:45 on a Tuesday. Someone was playing a guitar, quite well actually. I meandered over to the swings, hopped on and started flying. The day was rather warm, so each breeze was cool on my face. I took my hair down so that it could fly in the wind and snap back in my face. It kept stinging my eyes, so finally I just closed my eyes and "watched" the warm amber glow on my eyelids and I swung backand forth, back and forth . . .

Not a half bad day. It made me happy.

(bitch at me)

Tuesday, March 11th, 2003
9:32 pm - When it rains it pours . . .
So, after not hearing from my friends for weeks and weeks, because thhey are suddenly too busy for me, everyone comes crawling out of thhe woodwork. Here is my shedule for the next few days:
Wed: Cenate, possibly, Katie, and a dentist appointment
Thurs: Cenate, Richie
Fri: -- my only free day!!
Sat: Josh, Cenate? Katie?

My my my, aren't I the popular one?

And Cenate and I decided that it mighr be nice to write bad poetry, so here is mine:

Ode to the Terrible, Dark, 15 year old Virgin disgrunteld Youth Poet
My life is a vacum
so cold so lonely so
so very dark
so very very dark
actually my life is more like vacum full of blood sucking bats
Except the bats are
You keep sucking my blood
and breaking my heart
in this vacum
that is so very cold and dark
and not so lonley anymore because of the bats
My heart is broken
fallen to pieces
in the dark and cold vacum
and the bats -- You -- play with the pieces
toss them around
in the cold and dark
so very lonley
so very dark

Hahahaha! Gotta love pathetic poetry!!

(bitch at me)

8:47 pm - I know, I know -- I need to stop with the tests!
Pretty!  I'm a buttercup!
Which Flower Are You?Find out!

As If!  I'm Tie!
Which Clueless Chick are you? Find out!

Rock On! I'm...R&B!
Which Music Type are You?Find out!

Mmm...I'm Belle!
Which Disney Princess are You?Find out!

Ooh...I'm Phoebe!
Which 'Friend' Are You?Find out!

Yummy...I'm an Entree!
Which Part of a Meal Are You?Find out!

Ok...I have a Joyful Personality
What's Your Personality?Find out!

Oh YES! I'm SLUTishly HORNY!
How Horny Are You? Find out!

(bitch at me)

8:40 pm - Grr, I dislike it when the window closes and I loose a long post!
Yay!! Got my license back today, and thereore my freedom. God I missed my car. Oh Besie,whatever did Ido wihout you?!?! Wanna know something wierd -- I actually took a decent pic for my license. Ok, o the world is going to end now!

So Cenate and I are still doing ok . . comming up to our first anniversery in a bit. If you go by our first date, it's the 14th (since we first went out on Valentine's day -- I know, it's so precious you could puke!) However, I agree to be his girlfriend on the 22th/23rd. Still, it looks like we might actually make it to a month -- a personal best for me. I normally get tired of the guy WAY before a month is up. What's wrong with me, lol

Oh Cenate, please don't break my heart.

(bitch at me)

8:11 pm - This is my plan
Ok peoples, I'm weighing in at about 160, and my goal is to be 140 again. I wascomfortable at 140 -- I felt oo at 140.

rom no on, my goal is as follows:
1400 calories a day with eavy emphasis on fruits, vegetables,and dairy products for the calcium and protein. I would lik to eat between 5 to 7 servings of fruits and vegetables a day.
45 minutes to 1 hour of exercise six days a week. It can be any combination of my choosing, but t least a combined total of 1 hour of strength training a week. Also, at least 50 crunchs a night if not more
Keep getting enough sleep!

Hopeflly, following this, I can get back down to 140 by arund my birthday (wouldn't that be nice!) Wish me luck!

(1 bitchy rant | bitch at me)

Saturday, March 8th, 2003
3:53 pm - Realy Makes you Think . . .
January 26, 2003<,br> Young and Chubby: What's Heavy About That?
ON the corner of Seventh Avenue and Lincoln Place in Park Slope, Brooklyn, Ozzie's, a coffee bar, exists as a refueling point for teenagers attending Berkeley Carroll, the private school down the block, and grown-ups on their way to Manhattan offices, thus making it an ideal laboratory each weekday morning to observe the signifiers of the modern generation gap.

After near daily visits over the past few years, what this reporter has concluded is that teenage girls do not seem to share the adult woman's fear of starch. Nor, more significantly, do they appear to share her belief that a body betraying a love of such an enemy substance need be veiled like a public monument given over to Christo. Adhering to the dress code mandated by Britney Spears — tight low-riding jeans, tighter truncated tank tops — teenage girls unabashedly show their bellies even when they have actual bellies to show.

What this stylistic phenomenon may represent is a significant shift in the way young women think about their bodies — the first stage of a revolt against the assumption that no Pilates class can be missed in the pursuit of a figure resembling the neck of a giraffe.

The evidence that an evolution is taking place in young women's attitudes is preliminary — eating disorders do, after all, remain a serious health hazard — but glimmers of a new mind-set are emerging from teenagers, professionals who deal closely with them and even from images purveyed by the mass media.

"There is now a greater awareness among teenagers of any race and ethnicity of not falling into the trap of `I have to be thin,' " said Dr. Andrea Marks, a co-author of the forthcoming book "Healthy Teens, Body and Soul" (Fireside) and a specialist in adolescent medicine who practices on the Upper East Side.

"I don't think that there is a major backlash across the culture against that kind of Twiggyish ideal," Dr. Marks added, "but girls are hearing more messages to take pride in normal body shapes."

Torrid, a national chain of clothing stores that sells size 14 and above, has been built successfully from a realization by its founder, Betsy McLaughlin, that young women, no matter how they are proportioned, maintain an affinity for body-conscious styles.

"The overriding factor is that these girls want to look like their friends," said Ms. McLaughlin, who opened the first Torrid outpost in 2001, expanded by 21 branches last year and plans 25 more stores for 2003. Low-cut jeans, vinyl jeans and glittery lingerie in so-called plus sizes are the specialty. "The paradigm that the larger girl does not want to show skin does not hold," Ms. McLaughlin said.

An Internet company with a similar target market,, has had an increase in its sales of 42 percent in two years, Norman Weiss, the company's president, said. "We sell a ton of tank tops, halter tops, camisoles, shorts — these girls are really flaunting it," Mr. Weiss said.

Atoosa Rubenstein, the 30-year-old editor of Cosmo Girl, which has used plus-sized models, said her teenage readers are less obsessed with dieting and exercise to reach the traditional model-thin ideal. "These girls no longer see their bodies as tools for wooing men," Ms. Rubenstein said. "My generation was self-hating — we really thought we had to look like Niki Taylor."

The debut issue of Teen Vogue, just out, features as one of its cover lines, "Making it big: How curvy girls are changing Hollywood's stick-thin standard." An overstatement, perhaps, but inside, the magazine does offer homage to performers and personalities like Pink, Beyoncé Knowles, Sara Rue and Kelly Osbourne, all zaftig and none wearing sackcloth.

Dr. Marks said she was surprised and delighted two weeks ago to hear a patient — a college student whom she described as healthfully big — express absolutely no interest in dieting. "She said: `This is just the way I am. This is who I am. This is my set point,' " Dr. Marks said.

The reasons for the attitude shift among a new generation of girls, experts surmise, include the influence of, notably, Jennifer Lopez, and of muscular athletes like Serena and Venus Williams, who are more visible than they would have been before Title IX, the law that bars sex discrimination at institutions receiving federal funds.

"The ideal body is really the athletic one," said Emily Leslie, a junior at Bronxville High School in Bronxville, N.Y. "The emphasis is on being healthy. My friends all do sports, and you can't eat cucumbers for lunch."

Another possible factor is the influence of blacks and Latinos on the broader culture, since some studies show that these minorities favor a more rounded feminine beauty ideal. "What I've noticed is that kids who are part of multiethnic communities really broaden their idea of the social norms," said Dr. Jon Klein, a specialist in adolescent medicine and an associate professor at the University of Rochester.

But perhaps the most significant factor is the expanding body size of Americans generally, and therein lies the downside of the trend. With 14 percent of American adolescents already overweight — triple the rate two decades ago — the danger in an increased acceptance of bigness is that young people will balloon to perilously greater proportions, threatening their health. Overweight adolescents are at increased risk of heart disease and of a type of diabetes once found only in adults, according to the Surgeon General's office, which said in a 2001 report that "the most immediate consequence" of being overweight was children's poor self-esteem and depression.

That finding challenges the notion of a growing acceptance of a larger physical form. One important measure of girls' unhappiness with their bodies — the prevalence of eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia — has not changed over the past decade, experts say.

There is a distinction between the healthfully round body and the overweight one. According to standards of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, a girl of 15 who is 5-foot-1 is overweight at 128 pounds, and one who is 5-foot-7 is overweight at 155 pounds.

On a recent afternoon at the Garden State Mall in Paramus, N.J., none of the young shoppers interviewed at the Torrid shop sounded tormented by their weight. Diana Trampler, a full-figured six-foot-tall college freshman, was visiting for the second time. Earlier, she had bought a camisole; on this excursion she was trying on a fitted knit top, ruched in the front.

Ms. Trampler said she cared little about what people thought of her proportions. "I always seem to find people who accept me as I am," she said.

Neysha Marek, a robust-looking blonde of 23, was shopping for a sheer black evening blouse. She said that she would like to be a size 12 but that she was not dieting toward that goal. "When I was 17 I dieted down to a size 8," she said. "I looked at a picture of myself, and my collarbone was sticking out. "I didn't like it. I'd really rather be my size than a size 2." She is a size 14.

"I think larger women really are more accepted today," Ms. Marek continued. "There are stores like this, and the marketing of plus-sized images." She mentioned Mia Tyler, a half-sister of Liv Tyler who has modeled for Lane Bryant. "Skin and bones just aren't everyone's cup of tea," she said.

This was a view shared by Janell Tatis, a 5-foot-8 high school junior who weighs 170 pounds. "I don't think I'm big," she said. "I'm voluptuous. I just look like I eat."

"My best friend, Charmaine, wears skirts and tank tops, and she's bigger than I am," Ms. Tatis said. "She's 5 feet 5 inches and 200 pounds — like a little circle. She says, `As long as it fits and everything's not hanging out, I'll wear it.' "

A teenager of Charmaine's size is considered unhealthfully overweight by medical authorities, but the power of her self-confidence speaks to the emerging mood. It suggests both the promise (increased self-esteem) and the danger (complacency about health) of the new attitude.

"I spend a lot of time in focus groups and a lot of time talking to teenagers," Amy Astley, the editor of Teen Vogue, said. "They really don't want to be told that they have to change. They don't want to fight their natural body type."

"They refer to certain Hollywood starlets as `skinny,' " she said, "and they see this as passé."

Copyright 2003 The New York Times Company | Permissions | Privacy Policy


(1 bitchy rant | bitch at me)

2:12 pm - Stats.
wt. 160

1. Bust 38
2. Chest: 34
3. Waist: 31
4. Hips: 39.5
5. Midway: 36
6. Thighs: RT: 23.75 LT: 23.5
7. Knees: RT: 15.75 LT: 15.75
8. Calves: RT: 14.75 LT: 15
9. Upper arm: RT: 11.75 LT: 12
10. Forearms: RT: 10 LT: 9.5

I am fasting today -- just water. Had a major binge last night -- really want to ge rid of some of those calories, and get some of that food out of my system. I hopeto do measurement update weekly (on Saturday!) but tmorrow I'll probably give a waist measurement again, just to show how much food I've gotten out of my system!

(bitch at me)

1:55 pm - Hey there Little Red Riding Hood, you sure ae looking good . . .
little red riding hood

You Get Off on Little Red Riding Hood!

Red is nature's way of saying "danger," but we all know how fun danger can be.

Sure, redheads are feisty, but riding a big burly lumberjack while wearing a hood?

Pretty kinky stuff.

Especially when the Big Bad Wolf shows up dressed as Granny and wants to join in...

What Fairy Tale Gets *You* Off?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

(bitch at me)

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