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Sunday, July 30th, 2006
3:31 pm
Its my birthday!

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Saturday, July 22nd, 2006
7:42 am
I will be unreachable on the net for a while. and my phone will be cut off soon......

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Thursday, June 1st, 2006
6:30 pm
i am depressed.

current mood: depressed
current music: eminem- eminem show

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Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006
2:17 pm
Self- improvement is masturbation and self-destruction
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2006
8:15 am - does a happy dnace
Yay i have a cd burner and now 2 full cases of cd's. woo hoo

current mood: curious
current music: blue october- foiled

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Tuesday, April 25th, 2006
2:33 am
Well, lets see.
James isnt going to graduate basic training, but i am hoping i will get to see him sooner now. It is very selfish of me but i love him and miss him a lot.

I felt very used this past weekend. My friend flew in from Arizona to "visit me" but ended up spending most of the time with one of our other friends. in fact, she only spent about a total of 15 hours with me. The rest of the 5 days she was here she spent with him, or asleep, but even more with him than sleeping. I was looking forward to her coming, and then didnt even get to spend time with her much. It made my bad week even worse.

Though i did get to talk to james for 40 minutes. Made me feel a lot better.

I am feeling so lonely.

What is going on in the world?

current mood: confused

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Sunday, April 23rd, 2006
9:47 am - to all my friends
"There For You"

Sometimes I'm selfish fake
You're always a true friend
And I don't deserve you
'Cause I'm not there for you
Please forgive me again

I wanna be there for you
Someone you can come to
Runs deeper than my bones
I wanna be there for you
I wanna be there for you

Swirling shades of blue
Slow dancing in your eyes
Sun kisses the earth
And I hush my urge to cry, cry

I wanna be there for you
Someone you can come to
Runs deeper than my bones
I wanna be there for you
I wanna be there for you

'Cause I hear the whispered words
Within your masterpiece beautiful
You speak the unspeakable through
I love you too

I wanna be there for you
Someone you can come to

I wanna be there for you
And be someone you can come to
The love runs deeper than my bones
I wanna be there for you

I am not the best friend there is, but i am trying to be the best i can be. This is for all of you

current mood: uncomfortable
current music: Flyleaf

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Friday, April 21st, 2006
8:52 am
Sara and Alex got married? wow I thought they were having a huge wedding. what happened to that?

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Thursday, April 20th, 2006
6:11 pm
Well, i am glad Melina is here, but i wont really get to spend time with her until Saturday. I have basic cable now. only because it took the install down from 90 bucks to 25.

I feel so hollow inside. With mom and james gone i feel like my heart has a gaping hole in it.

I hung out with heather monday night. it was fun.

I dont feel like doing anything, so i am gonna go

current mood: depressed

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Wednesday, April 19th, 2006
6:37 pm
So much to say. but i dont have enough time to say it because i have to clean. so, a brief rundown.
Mom moved to Utah
James is probably gonna have to repeat basic.
James is acting strange, hope it is just the distance and nothing more.
got a ticket.
got the internet.
My friend is flying in tonight from arizona.
got no one here.
tired of trying.
losing weight.
going to drop the cats off in Utah in a few weeks.
car sucks.
looking for new car.
happy friend is coming.

thats it for now.

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Sunday, April 9th, 2006
9:23 pm
I missed james' call. I am still crying.

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Sunday, April 2nd, 2006
5:10 pm - quick update.
So james is having a bad time at basic.

If he makes it through i will be leaving to live in virginia while he is at his AIT training.

So yeah...

depression, and shitty cars make for the best times.

Which i will be selling my car soon. fix whatever is wrong with it, and sell it, bum rides to and from 41st, ride bike to and from thhe mall, save all money. Buy a (Semi-used) new car.

Life sucks at the moment. but i konw it will get better soon. Mom leaves on the 14th to move to utah.

That is it

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Saturday, March 25th, 2006
8:21 pm
i am the most sad and depressed i have been in over a year.

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Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
12:32 pm
James leaves tomorrow. I am going to be very sad. I have been with him almost everday for the past 3 1/2 years. I dont like being alone. In fact i hate it. I want to be surrounded by friends but most of my friends live in other towns/states. some one help me, what am i going to do????

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Wednesday, February 15th, 2006
9:08 am
So some news. My mom got hitched on the 13th. I am in Arizonaand will be back tomorrow. James leaves the 23rd....i am sad because he will be gone for a long time.

Now for somethings that dont really matter. I bought some books yesterday that i dont normally read but seem to be promising. The one i am reading first is called "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs" by Chuck Klostermn. I wouldnt normally have bought a book like this because it is about someones opinion on things in life. I dont care about other peoples opinions. But as i flipped though and read parts in it found it funny and interesting...mainly because i think the same way about some of them. I think y'all should read it...if you care about my opinion anyway. The next book i have is called "Freakonomics" by Steven D.Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner. I had heard about this book but didnt remember what it was about so here is what the cover says: "Which is more dangerous, a gun or a swimming pool? What do teachers and sumo wrestlers have in common? Why do drug dealers still live with their moms? How much do parents really matter? What kind of impact did Roe v. Wade have on violent crime?
"These may not sound like typical questions for an economist to ask. But Steven D. Levitt is not a typical economist. yadda yadda yadda....."
so it seemed off beat enough for me to read. The last book on the list is "The Sex Lives of Cannibals adrift in the equatorial pacific" By J. Maarten Troost. At the age of 26, Maarten Troost-- who had been pushing the snooze button on the alarm clock of life by racking up useless graduate degrees and muddling through a series of temp jobs--decided to pack up his flip-flops and move to Tarawa, a remote South pPacific island in the Republic of Kiribati. He was restless and lacked direction, and the idea of dropping everything and moving to the ends of the earth was irresistibly romantic. He should have known better.
The Sex Live of Cannibals tells the hilarious story of what happens when Troost discovers that Tarawa is not the island paradise he dreamed of. Falling into one misadventureafter another, Troost struggles through relentless, stifling heat, a variety if deadly bacteria, polluted seas, toxic fish---all in a country where the only music to be heard for miles around is "La Macarena."and worst of all, no television or coffee. And that's just the first day.
Sunburned, emaciated, and stinging with sea lice, Troost spends the next two years battling incompetent government officials, alarmingly large critters, erratic electricity, and a paucity of food options. He contends with a cast of bizarre local characters, including "Half-Dead Fred" and the self-proclaimed Poet Laureate of Tarawa (a British drunkard who's never written a poem in his life), and eventually settles into the ebb and flow of island life, just before his return to the culture shock of civilization.
With the rollicking wit of Bill Bryson, the brilliant travel exposition of Paul Theroux, and a hipster edge that is entirely Troost's own, The Sex Lives of Cannibals is the ultimate vicarious adventure. Readers may never long to set foot on Tarawa, but they'll want to travel with Troost time andtime again."

so yep some ones life that has some worse turns than mine AND i can laugh about it? I am in.
Lets see.....before i left i had Derek, Sara, Alex and Emma come over kind of a last get together thing before James left. We watched Doom. It was pretty cool.

James' mom is at it again. For thoe of you who dont know she has a very long rap sheet of shitty things a parent should never do to their kids. the things of which are...Getting a credit card in his name and maxxing it out and telling him she got it to "help his credit" *coughs* yeah right* coughs*, stealing money from is wallet, always asking to "Borrow" money even though her husbamd makes $80,000+ dollars a year and whenever it come time to repay she can never be reached, got her son into smoking cigarrettes, trying pot and crack. When he told her he joined the army and told her about his $30,000 dollar sign on bonus she says "dont tell Addie but make me your beneficiary," and "dont tell addie but we can open an account together and spend the money." What the Eff woman? What the H is your problem? So now the most recent event, while i have been here in Arizona, James was gonna surprise me with a new car. He is so sweet with the thought but it seemed he picked the most expensive cars he could find. Thankfully he doesnt have enough credit by hisself, and he didnt have any money for a down payment, other wise we would have a big 16,000 dollar problem. So, He had tried to get a hold of me so he could fax some papers for me to sign so i could be the co-signer but i wasnt able to be reached so he called his mom. (not that she has any credit bc she just went through bankruptcy) but anyway he called and he was like "i wanna buy this car but i need a co-signer, will you do it?" and she says "the oly way i will co-sign is if Addie never drives it and you leave it with me while you are gone." He got pissed and told her off...."look, i am buying a car for Adrian so i know when i am gone she will have a dependable car that i know wont break down on her. Not for you." and i guess he hung up on her there.
GOSH!!! This woman really pisses me off. What is her problem drugs have really fried up her tiny brain. any way i am gonna get off here. Gonna go around town and, i really love it here.

"Goodbye and stay well"--Dr. Dru

current mood: energetic

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Friday, February 10th, 2006
1:43 pm
Just a quick update...i got my raise i am now making 11.03 an hour...i am happy. And James joined the army he leaves the 23rd and will be gone for 5 1/2 months....i am very sad he will be gone so long but he wants to do it so i support him like a good wife does. i will update again later.

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Sunday, January 1st, 2006
8:14 am - New Years and Tears
Happy New Year!

So i went to watch the sunrise this morning and all of a sudden i started crying. I dont know why. Maybe it was because of the quiet morning sitting at a softball diamond watching the blackness slowly turn to lighter shades and into purples, pinks and oranges. As i sat there for an hour watching the sun fully rise i thought of all the things that have happened this past year. I cried even more (still dont know why). i tried to remember the last time i cried and i couldnt so when i got home (dads house) i looked up on my lovely blurty here and went through my enties because when major things happened i run to my trusty loving, listening, never judging journal. So the last time i cried was the begining of last year after my sisters death.

I thought to myself... could i have really only cried then? Out of a full year...that was the last time i cried. As i look at the other two years of my wonderful haven of a journals existence i had cried many a time...over lost friends and stupid high school fights, and a lot had been from James and my fights.

So flash back to the sunrise/crying this i thought about why i might be crying i suddenly thought...what does it matter? It isnt a bad cry...i feel good. so i said to myself what the hell....and cried even more and felt even better.

If i am lucky and have another totally blissful year again maybe this will be the only time i cried this year.....

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Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
3:21 am
i havent updated in a while....why? because one: i dont have a computer/internet and two: nothing really going on.
I have tried calling people. Sara is not home most of the time, Derek is busy with school and doesnt pick up most of the time, i lost (actually the bunny chewed up my phone/address book) Jarretts number, Nathan is out of state and engaged....who else? Oh i finally got a hold of Steph, she is in the process of a divorce (thank God) and actually has an interest in a Smart guy. James is working at Super Target and studying for his ASVAB. So he is earning more money, and studying to do something he wants to do.
James and i have become active into Church again. Well for me again and for him the first time. I havent felt this good for this long of a period ever. I am truly happy. I really believe the Church has helped. I believe that this is true unconditional love. I havent been nicer than i have since i have been to church. i know what God and Jesus Christ love feels like and i hope to show the love i know they have for me to others by the way i act. I know i am not perfect and i know i havent always been a good example of anything. I want to try. I want to do. I want to make a difference in peoples lives. I want to know when i die i have helped at least one person. I want to know that my life meant something to someone because i made a difference. Alright that doesnt sound how i wanted it to. I sound vain and that is not what i want to be.
It is so frustrating when something sounds good in your head but not out of it.

current mood: awake
current music: Fresh Prince of Bel Air

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Sunday, December 11th, 2005
3:15 am - I like this song
"Mary Did You Know"

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would save our sons and daughters?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy has come to make you new?
This Child that you delivered will soon deliver you.

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy will calm the storm with His hand?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy has walked where angels trod?
When you kiss your little Baby you kissed the face of God?

Mary did you know.. Ooo Ooo Ooo

The blind will see.
The deaf will hear.
The dead will live again.
The lame will leap.
The dumb will speak
The praises of The Lamb.

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy will one day rule the nations?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy is heaven's perfect Lamb?
The sleeping Child you're holding is the Great, I Am.

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1:39 am
Faith is a either want to believe it or you don't.

You have already made the chioce.

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