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Blurty for miss belle.
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| Saturday, February 14th, 2004 |
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| havent been assed updating. plus the computer is fucked at my mums and hardly works at my dads. well an update? what can i say? loads been happening. still with ferg lol its st fucking valentines day and im not seeing him for another 2 whole fucking weeks. arg. went shoppin today with mum as its feb. hols at skool, was ok. i got shoes, black trousers, pink top with lil black hearts on and pale pink vest top. yes, i like pink. hehe im mad o__0 lol. we (me nd mum) are actually getting on better since i saw that fucking councillor. ho hum. er. oh ye. http://www.faceparty.com/agent_tika <------- thas me!! hehe lol | ||||||
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| Saturday, January 17th, 2004 |
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 You came from the water. Calm and shy, you know what you want, but sometimes are afraid to stand up for yourself. Where did you come from? brought to you by Quizilla Your a Candle. Candles are somwhere around the lines of tortured artists. Your are unique, but usually upset about things. You might not have any friends, and you burn alone. Depression can overwhelm you tend to thinks life can sucks. It can, but try to break free from the pianful side of life. You are an intelligent person and should show what your capabilities are. What random object are you? Many detailed outcomes - find out about your personality! brought to you by Quizilla  Nihilist Bear Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You? brought to you by Quizilla  Ghost or spirit: You are a lost soul. Very calm and sweet, you are often the one who asks: What if? With a clever mind, you want to explore the world on a different level. Without the answers, you aren't ready to move on. You are most likely very creative and find yourself thinking things through on a different level. (please rate my quiz) **Where will you go when you die?**(now with pics) brought to you by Quizilla  hand holding - you like to be in constant physical contact with your special someone but you don't want to take things too quickly. What Sign of Affection Are You? brought to you by Quizilla  Dark magician. You love the dark because of it's beauty and just the life that no-one else sees. Mysterious, calm, quiet... But that doesn't mean you're not friendly!
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| Sunday, January 4th, 2004 |
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these are some poems by fakesmiles77, LOOK IMMA GIVIN YA FULL CREDIT WHAT MOR DO U WANT?!! "Piece by Piece" There she is, Broken all over your bedroom wall, Tears have permanently painted her face, And you don't seem to care at all, Her insides are twisted, She begged you not to leave, But you insisted, Broken to bits, Now she's shattered, You destroyed her self-image, Her heart is tattered, Pieces of her are deteriorating, Melting away, She feels so alone now, She just wishes you would stay, Her smiles are fake, And noone knows why, She needs to get over this now, And just say goodbye, Why is this so difficult for her? She doesn't know what to do, All she does is cry, And it's all because of you, Her mind has locked up, Her insides split apart, She doesn't know how to fix this, You've had her from the start, She tells herself she'll move on, There's nothing else she can perfect, Everything's over from here on out, She's nothing more than a defect. --Allison Trout PERFECTLY HATEFUL I wish i had a ladder so i could climb up there pull you down, and do nothing more than watch you splatter watch you fall deeper and deeper Isnt that what you did to me? watch me drown im my countless tears let me burn for ever let me build up hate for consistant years my hate is dancing on my tounge there are so many things i want to say to you regretably enough-i havent even begun i hope you pull away from it all at least before i get to you i hope you can hide before it shatters you to why are you so happy nothing ever fades in your life everything is so colorful there is absolutly no strife.. i hate you out of jealousy im jealous of your optimisim and your harmless glee I'm folded in im broken forever but you, you're like the breath of life you give your all even when its tough you give your all even when you've had enough I hate you for this... you're perfect in every way you leave me speechless with hate to the point where i dont know what to say you've won, and i've lost will i fail forever will i always pay the cost dont try to be your perfect self and give your asortment of encouragement to me go on with your pathetic fairy-tale life and just let me be because remember i hate you, ill dispise you forever its not possible for someone to be that happy your down-hill experience is coming so get everything together soon you too will be wrong and this road to never-ending hatefulness for you and i it will be long his pointless being stares blankly at me he is worthless he tugs away at my thoughts to see what goes on my mind why should he even care I'm the one he left behind why would he try to help now he is the one I completely dispise he picked me apart I shatter because of his lies I'm broken because he is thoughtless I cry because he doesnt notice me my tears run thicker because im paying the fee He doesnt need me anymore And i should just forget him But I'm begging for just one more tomorrow My eyes burn from my profuse tears My heart hurts because of all this sorrow I dont see how I can love someone so much and hold such hate for them right in the palm of my hand You punctured me and I slipped through like sand You're horrible my hate is dangling in your face so now i hope you feel like me and your only wish is to escape this place to forget this completely to erase it all to go on with life and act as if it was something so small you took it you stole it its gone now forever that was mine how dare you you ripped out my heart shattered it into a million bits and threw the pieces at my face it stung my heart was sharp you shattered me on the inside and out now i cry tears of black blood because of you you shredded me apart im useless you took it and twisted it until it ripped completely and my warm blood that dripped from your fingers that blood is familiar now that blood is nothing more than my tears my tears are black because i have no soul thats gone to you decided to take it with you so when can i have it back when will it be mine again why did you do this to me give it back its not yours to keep this is so unfair i bleed for you i cry for you i cut for you and i will die for you please give it back so i die happier black blood and neverending tears dont get me anywhere so help please just at least share it with me and that in itself will set me free. " HAPPINESS POOR" drip drip drop there it goes again as it skims across my skin i feel relieved i feel so alone yet so wanted the blood is so dark its almost black I have been stained with depression it doesnt seem to want to leave ive become numb to it its something i recieve my depression is like my own package a gift i get all the time something i could live without my secret and its all mine its pushing my heart to a limit i cant take anymore its ran over me numerous times I'm happiness poor shatterd her insides are frozen frozen from her hatred past iced away because people give up on her and nothing seems to last as her flesh explodes slowly her emotions run down her arm they run in the deepest red with her insides coming out this is the most shes ever bled as her heart screams her blood turns into sand too young to die shes reaching for a hand her insides are deteriorating slowly enough shes splitting right down the middle she doesnt know how to be tough her world is melting and shes so alone her thoughts have numbed her body right down to the bone shes became mute to the world around her she locks up her mind everything is so obscure she tells herself it'll soon be old news because thats the best excuse she can use --allie trout way for allie she rules! i luv them poems, really i do :) |
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| just for the record, im not a homaphobe, and I AM NOT A LESBION!! | ||
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| Saturday, January 3rd, 2004 |
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i wrote out a realy long entry the other day but it fucked up or something so ill have to write another one.. this is just taken from the chat log thing in my documents, cant be assed editing again: [21:57:50] FiRsT tImE y: ? [21:57:58] how did it c: what [21:58:39] FiRsT tImE y: u [21:59:13] how did it c: :S [21:59:24] FiRsT tImE y: is it true? [21:59:38] FiRsT tImE y: that u like caroline? [21:59:43] how did it c: no [22:00:00] how did it c: thats just shit [22:00:40] FiRsT tImE y: is it? [22:00:51] how did it c: what [22:01:09] FiRsT tImE y: it wud be fine if it was true, obviously [22:01:22] how did it c: yeah, well it isnt [22:01:53] FiRsT tImE y: uh huh [22:03:24] FiRsT tImE y: haha [22:03:42] how did it c: ? [22:04:12] FiRsT tImE y: so...y does caroline think that? [22:04:17] FiRsT tImE y: and emma [22:04:25] FiRsT tImE y: jade too [22:05:38] how did it c: i dont know [22:06:01] FiRsT tImE y: u dont? [22:06:07] how did it c: no [22:06:20] FiRsT tImE y: o right [22:06:32] how did it c: do you? [22:06:42] FiRsT tImE y: ayeee [22:06:44] FiRsT tImE y: lol [22:06:54] how did it c: why [22:08:14] Atheism is a non-prophet religion has been added to the conversation. [22:08:22] FiRsT tImE y: will i tell her emma?[22:08:58] FiRsT tImE y: i was bout to tell u [22:09:10] Atheism is a: ur a lesbo [22:09:13] FiRsT tImE y: oy [22:09:21] how did it c: nope [22:09:36] FiRsT tImE y: heh [22:09:49] Atheism is a: yar [22:10:00] FiRsT tImE y: hhaaaa [22:10:07] FiRsT tImE y: im in hysterics...i dunno y.... [22:10:19] FiRsT tImE y: anyway [22:10:29] FiRsT tImE y: what we need right now [22:10:35] FiRsT tImE y: is...... [22:10:37] FiRsT tImE y: a....... [22:10:42] FiRsT tImE y: really....................... [22:10:46] FiRsT tImE y: really.................................. [22:10:51] Atheism is a: are you a lesbian [22:10:52] FiRsT tImE y: really.................................. [22:10:59] Atheism is a: you feel caroline and jasmine up [22:10:59] FiRsT tImE y: Big................................ [22:11:03] FiRsT tImE y: anti climax [22:11:07] FiRsT tImE y: no she doesnt [22:11:18] how did it c: no i dont [22:11:24] FiRsT tImE y: well... not me anyway [22:11:43] FiRsT tImE y: lol [22:11:43] how did it c: not caroline either.....thats gross [22:11:57] Atheism is a: no, caroline too [22:11:58] FiRsT tImE y: ^o) [22:12:10] how did it c: no, none of them [22:12:22] FiRsT tImE y: " u walked into ma hand" [22:12:26] FiRsT tImE y: ow [22:12:41] Atheism is a: and you walked into carolines bum [22:12:47] FiRsT tImE y: ha [22:12:49] how did it c: no [22:12:51] FiRsT tImE y: lol [22:12:54] FiRsT tImE y: lollllllllllllllllllllll [22:13:03] Atheism is a: yeeeeeeees [22:13:29] FiRsT tImE y: im dying og laughter [22:13:33] FiRsT tImE y: of* [22:13:36] Atheism is a: im not [22:14:06] FiRsT tImE y: ooh [22:14:42] Atheism is a: i g2g [22:14:44] Atheism is a: byeee [22:14:46] FiRsT tImE y: so............... [22:14:50] how did it c: bye [22:14:55] FiRsT tImE y: byeeee [22:15:04] Atheism is a non-prophet religion has left the conversation. [22:15:07] FiRsT tImE y: >>snort<< [22:15:23] FiRsT tImE y: wow [22:15:28] how did it c: what [22:15:43] FiRsT tImE y: nout [22:16:11] FiRsT tImE y: caroline looks like a pixie [22:18:11] how did it c: brb i feel so sad when i think of the way they are acting, their not actually bothered with the truth, their just bullying... and its because im so fucking fat and everyone hates me and im just so sick of it..i wish i could go to sleep and never wake up, at least i would be free from all this pain and shit thats going on in my shitty life right now... but thats not going to happen unfortunatly :( heh one thing tho: IMMA GOING OUT WITH FERG!! woo yay lol i really like him :) but the thing is i didnt think i could like anyone cos of all he pain and shit ive been through with guys and stuff... yeh im going to start a fast 2morrow, i really need to lose weight. like really. its so gross its not even a joke anymore, i want to be so thin. this whole caroline thing is making me feel really depressed, im gonna go to sleep now i wish i could be sick but since im here at my dads i cant.. fuck this. and im going back to skool on the 5th, which is like monday. my life is so shit right now i wish i was dead, all i hav to liv fot now is ferg and going to dalguise next year and ana and jess, luv you guys x hope no one else is feeling so bad as i do, good nightz, ally x |
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http://www.something-fishy.org/memorial/memorial.php http://www.ana-and-mia.com/thin.html http://www.barebones.greatnow.com/thinspiration.htm http://www.thinspiration.prv.pl/ http://www.barebones.greatnow.com/Diary.htm http://www.freewebs.com/ana4life121/thinspiration.htm feeling hungry? do this instead: drink water do homework study for classes exercise eat ice brush your teeth clean something study welsh write a journal entry take a bath read a book exercise some more take a walk play guitar watch tv read journals online post to lists browse random web pages read other pro-ana sites sing take a cold shower if it's hot, hot shower if it's cold last resort: go up to campus and do homework or read there (remove yourself from temptation). bring no money. don't want to exercise? reward yourself for doing so with: bubble bath time online computer games tv buy something small punish yourself for not exercising by: no computer till you do drink a glass of water do homework/studying until you do clean something other thoughts: nothing tastes as good as thin feels the satisfation of food never lasts restricting is a coping mechanism just as much as overeating is. wouldn't you feel better if you used the coping mechanism that would get you skinny? if you start eating, you won't be able to stop three words: food is expensive! it's all a matter of making choices. each moment, choose what you know you'll be proud of choosing. if you eat, you'll be much sorrier than the eating was a relief. not eating will help us be invisible not eating will make people concerned about us (rotten, i know. but sometimes... that is what i crave. whether or not i should. pity. attention. losing weight both helps us become invisible and helps us be seen. i can't quite explain why.) court the purity. it's cold and hard, but it's so clean and bright. there is something on the other side of pure that is redemptive. |
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| Friday, January 2nd, 2004 |
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 am back from staying at fergs..it was great :D ye am not realy in a typy mood. oh well. |
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| Tuesday, December 30th, 2003 |
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 GRUNGE ON!!!! You're as obsessed as I am!!!!!! Which makes you my best friend. In fact you probably are me!! Do you know Kurt Cobain well? brought to you by Quizilla |
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 Ichi - What would your Japanese name be? (female) brought to you by Quizilla my dad and my lil bro are stil not back from going to the shop and posting a damn letter...hurry up... grrowl |
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| blah its like 11:20 in the morning.. imma copying muzic so i can listen to stuff when im at fergs cos i gots a cd/mp3 player for x-mas. ho hum i wont be here for a couple of days.. blah who cares | ||||
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this is a song i read sumwhere ---------------- Best friend stays by your side Best friend knows your sorrows Best friend wipes your tears away Best friend always sees your pain Best friend is a cure for my broken vain YOU are all that, i know you wondered where i was when you came It never was my choice id do anthing to stay By you ill always be, if i have to ill change my name |
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Christmas Story "Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed. He cussed out the elves and threw down his list. Miserable litttle brats, ungrateful litttle jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works ! I've busted my ass for damn near a year. Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear? The old lady bitches cause I work late at night. The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS. And just when I thought that things would get better Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter, They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money? And the kids these days--they all are the pits They want the impossible--Those mean little shits I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of you yo yo's--No request for them! , They want computers and robots..they think--I'm IBM ! Flying throught the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimney's and skinning my knees I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment I"ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment. There's no Christmas this year, now you know the reason, I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!  Your Captain Jack Sparrow You're not always clear when you say something, but you are trustworthy. -x-What charater from Pirates of the Carribbean are you?(with pictures)-x- brought to you by Quizilla |
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helloz so many posts today..haha its not as if anyone reads them.. or cares. im d/l bout a gazillion mp3s at the mo..tis takin a-g-e-s nd i might as well rite sum random shit... *. . . W O U L D Y O U R A T H E R . . .* 1) pierce your nose or tongue? tongue 2) be serious or be funny? funny 3) drink whole or skim milk? skim * . . . A R E Y O U . . .* 4) simple or complicated? complicated * . . . D O Y O U P R E F E R . . . * 5) flowers or angels? angels 6) grey or gray? grey 7) color or black-and-white photos? color 8) lust or love? Love 9) sunrise or sunset? Sunset 10) M&Ms or Skittles? m&ms 11) rap or rock? rock 12) staying up late or waking up early? staying up late 13) TV or radio? tv 15) eating apples or oranges? oranges * . . . A N S W E R T R U T H F U L L Y . . . * 16) Do you have a crush? ack 17) Who is it? thers a guy i like...hmm * . . . D O Y O U P R E F E R . . . * 18) being hot or cold? cold 19) tall members of the opposite sex? yes 20) sun or moon? moon 21) emeralds or rubies? rubies 22) left or right? right 23) having 10 acquaintances or 1 best friend? 1 best friend 24) sun or rain? rain 25) vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream? vanilla 26) boys or girls? boys 27) green beans or carrots? green beans 28) low fat or fat free? fat free * . . . M I S C E L L A N E O U S . . . * 29) What is your biggest fear in the world? losing control :p 30) Kids or no kids? kids 31) Cat or dog? cat 32) Half empty or half full? half empty 33) Mustard or ketchup? ketchup 34) Hard cover books or soft cover books? hard cover 35) Newspaper or magazine? magazine 36) Sandals or sneakers? sneakers 37) Wonder or amazement? amazement 38) Red car or white car? white 39) Happy and poor or sad and rich? sad and rich 40) Singing or dancing? singing 41) Hugging or kissing? hugging 42) Corduroy or plain? plain 43) Happy or sad? sad 45) Blondes, brunettes? brunettes * . . . A B O U T Y O U . . . * What time is it? 1.42 am Full name? miss_bella Nicknames: Names and ages of siblings? james-11 Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake? dont like cake Date that you regularly blow them out? 20-07 Pets? 3 cats Height? 5'2 Eye color? brown Hair color? brown Piercing(s)? 2 ears used to hav cartilage, nose(diy), bb(diy) * . . . W H A T D O Y O U W A N T . . . * Where do you want to live? sumwhere dark.. How many kids do you want? heh, who givs a What kind of job do you want? artist -of sorts Do you want to get married? yupz * . . . W H I C H I S B E T T E R . . . * 2 doors or 4 (on a car)? 4 Coffee or ice cream? coffee Shampoo or conditioner? conditioner Bridges or tunnels? tunnels One pillow or two? 2 * . . . F A V O R I T E S . . . * Salad dressing? ugh salad.. Color of socks? black Toothpaste? wtf Toothbrush? umm..blue? Alcoholic drink? heh anything with vodka Non-alcoholic drink? water 1 MINUTE AGO: still filling out this thing 1 DAY AGO: on comp. 1 WEEK AGO: umm idk 1 YEAR AGO: idk? I HURT: inside I LOVE: ? I HATE: ppl... I FEAR: myself I HOPE: .. I FEEL: shit I LISTEN: black-pj I HIDE: huh? I DRIVE: nuhing I MISS: happiness I LEARNED: ...idk I KNOW: pain I WAIT: for sumone, anyone I NEED: hugz! (a razor) I THINK: im cold I WISH: ..idk Current Clothes: um purple cords, undiez, black hooy Current Mood: blah Current Music: dam pj Current Taste: my own tears Current Hair: um...straght? Current Annoyance: dam muzics not workin *fixed Current Smell: nuthin.. Current thing I should be Doing: sleeping Current Desktop Picture: all dogz go to heaven Current Favorite Show: umm... idk? Current Book: suicide for beginners Current DVD in DVD player: none Current Refreshment: none why tha fuck did i jus complete all that? fuck knows... i feel kinda odd. i still cant get the whole joe nd pipp thang...its like why me? i mean pips got it all-pretty, thin, cool, joe and joes ignoring me...well if he makes me feel so shit bout every thang then i dont know why i care..tis not as if anyone dus i cant wait till tomoz im seeing fergus, havent seen since august cept for ast w/end when we met in edinburgh and walked around and just sat and talked and stuff, it was realy nice, only time in past ages when ive felt sumthing near happiness..ack and we went on tha big wheel :p scary! and tomoz im meant to be going ther after shoppin..hmm ive got money saved up from lunch (havent had lunch at skool since forever lol) and i want to get sum cds nd trousers...or mebbe i cud get one of them black things that all the women in saudi wer that way no one cud see how fuckin fat i am..ye thas me a fat fuckin freak. heh it wud be funny if all tha ppl i know cud read this shit...thed be like.."freak" haha fuck them :( so depressed... gaa .: i am mine. |
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i love you i love you to the heart and beyond, as far as deep goes, as deep as i bleed, depressed to the bone, wishing i was in your arms, hoping you'd be there when i wake, hoping i could love you, to the end of my days, hoping i could hold you, you being mine, my pain was searching, searching through me, i never knew why? but you fell to my eyes, you opened that pain, made me search deeper, look past that lingering pain, look pas the hate, to find my serenity, to find my sanity, to find the answer, the final end to all my torture, but all i saw was a mirror, with you on the other side, but knowing i couldn't have you, having to die, to leave this place, waiting to love you, wanting you to love me? bliss for eternity, to the heavens of my hell, to look beyond the scars, you look right through me, your boundarys surround me, fill me with your soothing pain, heal my wounds, erase my mind, look past the nothing i'd become, the same walls suffocate me, i wish you would rescue me, un-bruise my mind, undo the pain, help me through this un-bearable suffocation, let me breath, my eyes fill with blood, i cry for a pure heart, i cry for your heart, i cry for you, i want you, i need you, you kill my pain, you kill my fear, i love you, i need you here. ---------------------------------------- blood :- the source from my head to my foe is bleedin, my shortage is upon me, i realised the meaning, to die..... --------------------------------- Pearl jam-i am mine The selfish, they’re all standing in line Faith in their hope and to buy themselves time Me, I figure as each breath goes by I only own my mind The north is to south like the clock is to time There's east and there's west and there's everywhere life I know I was born and I know that I'll die The in-between is mine I am mine And the feeling, it gets left behind All the innocence lost in a long time Significant behind the eyes There's no need to hide... We're safe tonight The ocean is full cause everyone's crying The full moon is looking for friends at high tide The sorrow grows bigger when the sorrow's denied I only know my mind I am mine And the meaning, it gets left behind All the innocence lost in a long time Significant behind the eyes There's no need to hide... We're safe tonight And the feelings that get left behind All the innocence broken with lies Significance, beetween the lines We may need to hide And the meanings that get left behind All the innocence lost in a long time We're all different behind the eyes There's no need to hide ----------------------------------- pearl jam-tremor christ Winded is the sailor...drifting by the storm... Wounded is the organ he left all...bloodied on the shore... Gorgeous was his savior, sees her...drowning in his wake... Daily taste the salt of her tears, but...a chance blamed fate... Little secrets, tremors...turned to quake... The smallest oceans still get...big, big waves... Ransom paid the Devil...He whispers pleasing words... Triumphant are the angels if they can...a get there first... Little secrets tremors...turned to quake... The smallest oceans still get...big, big waves... I'll decide...take the dive... Take my time...not my life... Wait for signs...believe in lies... To get by...it's divine...whoa... Oh, you know what it's like... Turns the bow back, tows and...drops the line... Puts his faith and love in Tremor Christ... ------------------------------------- pearl jam-corduroy The waiting drove me mad...you're finally here and I'm a mess I take your entrance back...can't let you roam inside my head I don't want to take what you can give... I would rather starve than eat your bread... I would rather run but I can't walk... Guess I'll lie alone just like before... I'll take the firmest path...oh and I must refuse your test A push me and I will resist...this behavior's not unique I don't want to hear from those who know... They can buy, but can't put on my clothes... I don't want to limp for them to walk... Never would have known of me before... I don't want to be held in your debt... And I'll pay it off in blood, let I be wed... And I'm already cut up and half dead... I'll end up alone like I began... Everything has chains, absolutely nothing's changed Take my hand, not my picture, spilled my tincture I don't want to take what you can give... I would rather starve than eat your breast... All the things that others want for me... Can't buy what I want because it's free... (2x) Can't be what you want because I'm... I ain't s'posed to be just fun Oh, to live and die, let it be done I figure I'll be damned, all alone like I began... It's your move now... I thought you were a friend, but I guess I, I guess I hate you... |
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| Monday, December 29th, 2003 |
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| am talking to alex tehe...tis kinda weird tho hes like well i duno, i think i like im o0oo0 yea | ||||||||
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| we just had opur x-mas dinner-chicken for those that wanted and a quorn fillet for meh...woo vegemetarion to tha max...and desert...god i feel like purging cept i cant as ther in the next room =/ | ||||||||
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| hmm...meh dads got friends round, hes got the crazy idea that i shud go and "join in" wtf i jus wanna go to fergs. shud be going tomoz after going shoppin. man i think meh lil bruv comin as well probs jus get jeans or sumthin...ugh mor gingerbread *stay outa way* well am gonna try nd skip lunch...havin chicken, gross gross meat. heh ye ima vegemetarion..lolz | ||||||||
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 Isolation. Just leave you alone. You can be found in a dark place, rotting in your own self pity. After all, no one else understands, right? How do you deal with your depression? brought to you by Quizilla  You represent... angst. You have an extremely cynical outlook on just about everything. It's okay to sulk and be depressed, but life is short, and you only get one. It's only what you make it, and only you can make it improve. What feeling do you represent? brought to you by Quizilla
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heh heh i have to go to bed now apparently. ho hum....i cant sleep anymore. its 5:30 am and im not tired. not one lil bit. blargh ive eaten loads tonight, loads. i had gingerbread when we came in, cheese and a cracker, a WHOLE packet of fruit pastilles...and another gingerbread (or two) god i wish i could be sick but im at my dads so i cant cos hell hear me (tis a small flat) isnt that shit? ugh and theres this whole thing about staying at fergs, i might not even be able to purge. ill have to fast, ye. i dont mind the actual fasting bit, its the avoiding the temptation of the food thats always available thats the problem. i can think of hundreds of reasons why i shouldnt eat, but that doest usually work, its not as though i dont want to be thin, fuck i wont it so so badly its what i truly want, its the fact that i am such a weak undeserving person with no will power. i dont know what im trying to say lol im gonna go try sleep now...but ill get up kinda early, maybe do some painting or sumthing then go on the comp. haha im like addicted to the fucking thing ah well *pets computer* nighty nightz, peace xX miss_bella Xx |
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Blurty for miss belle.
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tired.
content.
melancholy.
listless.
cranky.
awake.
flirty.
blah.
