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i m an idiot. [11 Sep 2003|11:35pm]
Wow, I can't imagine what is wrong with me. I finally have this great, sweet, georgous, wonderful guy, that every time I am around him I am so incredibly happy, and half the time I just want to jump him. And yet, for some reason, I have a strong urge to stop talking to him. I constantly think things like he calls to much, I can't deal with it, I'm going to get hurt like this. Sometimes I think I am falling in love, but then I'll be sitting there when I am not around him, thinking maybe this is a mistake, maybe i don't even like him. I keep thinking of excuses why I shouldn't be with him. Why am I trying to sabatouge this? Well, I have a lot I am thinking, but Im tired, I'll write more 2 morow.
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mood swings [06 Sep 2003|01:26am]
[ mood | anxious ]
[ music | Sublime: Get Out ]

have u ever gone from being really happy to just being really anxious and sad for no reason? I just feel a little crazy right now. I was so happy yesterday, tonight, I'm miserable, it's like 1:23 in the morning. I was so happy that i am with dan, but then I'm like, what am I really going to do right now. I mean when I get home. I can't live at matt's and be with dan, i mean, I'm going to have to continue to live there, I dunno, I feel like such an asshole, like I'm not allowed to be happy or something. I was lisntening to this sublime song the other day, and it is me, it goes "My place is not a home, it makes no difference, but I've found that I need a place to stay, I never lisnten what the landlord man say, (the next sentence doesn't apply but the rest of the song does) you should have seen all the flops in my house we were punching out walls and ripping ceilings, now adays people lisnten to me when I say get out, (this next part is what i feel like i'm doing even more than the first part with matt even though i'm trying not to and I don't want to) hold me and don't let go, don't make no difference if your a ho, cause i need a place to stay, don't make no difference what price I pay, that's how it used to be, that girl (boy in this case) is dead to me now, and I sing, get out. Yeah, that's about what I feel like I have to do to have somewhere to live. It sux. I wish life could just be easy. Dan is talking about running away with me. He is supposed to get his own place in the next couple of months, and he said if it is possible, I can stay there. The state is going to pay for him to live. I wish the state would pay for me to live. He said if that doesn't work out he's gonna run away with me. He can't take living there ne more. That sounds like a pretty good idea right now. Me, him, and my dogs, somewhere far. Life is different, I worry about everything too much. I dont' know how to handle little things with life. I don't know how to say no to people, and I end up agreeing to conflicting things or things I can't handle. I think I just need to stay high, as long as I am high, I am happy. When I was in the hospital, they called that self medicating, ok, well I ask, honestly, what is wrong with that? It's ok for them to medicate me, but for me to be happy off of something I give myself, well that is just wrong. Even though all the shit they ever put me on didn't work and sometimes made me worse, or sick, or fat, and weed just makes me feel better. Everyone says, oh, you seem so much happier, you seem so much better, you seem ok now. Well, I started smokin weed again asshole, yes I had stopped for like a year, but I started again when me and Dani had got into that fistfight last August, no not the one that just got over, August of 2002. and that is when I started recovering, b/c I started slowly, then i slowly started smoking more often, but i wasn't better until I got out of the hospital yet again and started smokin every day. What's wrong with it? I am not functional when i don't do it, I am miserable and i sleep all day, I can't get ne thing done because I am too anxious and miserable, I function much better when I smoke every day. I can actually live a normal life. I ask, what the hell is wrong with that? I think I am actually ready to go back to school now because of smoking every day, i think I could actually pass, b/c I would feel ok enough to go to class, I would actually feel good enough to get my work done, I feel like drawing again, I didn't want to draw anymore, I actually bought myself drawing pads and pastels and pencils and paint, that's how much I am ready to draw again, I've been drawing again, it is fun again. I hated everything for such a long time, but now I enjoy doing things again. Weed is my medicine. Y shouldn't I b allowed to use it if it makes my life better and it isn't hurting ne one else. I didn't smoke yet today, that is my problem, I think I will smoke now come to think of it, I'm going to have to figure out something else for tomorow though, b/c after today, i'm out of it. ok, well, I will write more later. bye

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I'm happy for once [04 Sep 2003|05:41pm]
[ mood | happy ]

I always though that a guy could never make me happy. But now i think I might be wrong. Or maybe I am just growing and getting better. But I don't know, Ok, I'm going to sound like a 13 year old for a few minutes so bear with me. There is this guy Dan and he is the sweetest nicest guy in the world, and he is also the hottest guy in the world. I really was liking him a lot, but to be honest I really didn't think he felt that way about me at all, I mean and he had said before to one of my friends that he wasn't really interested in my that way. So I basically put him in the back of my head and played it off like I didn't like him that much. I mean, he goes to bancroft, (somewhere I might be working) and he is a little slow to put it nicely, well, he's not really, but it is a school for slow people, well he graduated from there anyway, and now lives in a bancroft adult program. But he is like the hottest guy in the world as soon as I can find a scanner I am putting a picture of him up here. Anyway, I kind of played that card, like oh, I don't know if I could really like him becuase he's retarted. But I know that he's really too smart to be there, he is very normal, he is going to own his own gym, and he is writing a book, I dunno, but I just said that because, I really didn't think he wanted to be with me. It was getting pretty bad though, the day before I left, I was talking to Danielle, and I was like I think I have a big problem. And she was like what? I said, I think I really like Dan a lot. And she was like, so do something. And then I told her how he told Janine that he didn't feel that way about me. But he had been acting more and more like he felt something, but I just assumed it was just friendly, becuase of what he had told my friend. I left for my dad's yesterday and he had been calling me a whole bunch, then this morning he left me a very sweet message, he said, Hey it's Dan I was just calling to see how you slept, and to make sure you are having a good time down there, I miss you, call me back. It was sweet, then he called again later and I answered, and he started saying, You know it really bothers me when you don't call me back when you say you will and when you say you are coming and you don't come (ha he is calling me right now but I can't answer it) he's like You know how I am obsessive about working out, well, when I am in a relationship with someone it drives me crazy if they don't call me back when they say they will or when they stand me up, my ex girlfriend used to do that a lot and that was one of our major problems, and I well... do you know what I am trying to say? and I was like, No, not really. (The thought crossed my mind at this point but I was like nah) He was like well, this is kind of hard to say, do you need me to just say it? I was like, well, yea. He was like, well, I really like you a lot, and do you want to go out with me, like, well, I know we've been seeing a lot of each other, but do you want to not see anyone else? I just got like a stupid 12 year old and got all giddy and was like yes. I haven't felt this way about a guy in a really long time, not even Terelle. I am acutally really scared about this whole thing. The other thing is I have been kind of seeing this guy Robert, he is really nice and everything, and I like him, but I can't give this up with Dan. I dont' want to hurt robert though. But I didn't know this was going to happen, I had no idea that I had a shot in hell with Dan. The other thing is Robert understands about me having to live with matt, but I don't know if dan will be as understanding, I mean he knows I live there, but matt is getting worse, like yesterday when I got here, he sent me a text message that said come back, I sent one back that said, Y, he said, because I miss you. I just ignored after that. I appreciate him letting me stay with him and everything, but I thought I made it clear to him that we are just being friends, he has no chance ever after sleeping with Missy. But anyway, I'll do whatever I have to do to make it work. I haven't felt like this for so long. I am so happy. Danielle is the only other person that makes me feel this happy. I feel so lucky. I have Damien, Danielle, and now I have a Dan. This could really be something. I have never met a guy who was so perfect. He is the best looking guy in the world, he is sweet, he wants to do something with his life, he is smart in his own way, he is caring, and he is actually a guy that I can really talk to. I don't know, I still have to finish all of my other thoughts I wanted to put in here, but for now, I had to tell someone about this, well, everyone, I allready told Damien, but everyone else is busy, I can't get ahold of Danielle. I m just exploding happy. But I gotta go my sister is rushing me. TA

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i feel different [02 Sep 2003|12:25pm]
I think I need to just go and dissappear for a while. pay off all my bills, get my cell shut off, and save up enough to pay off my car insurance for a year, and pay it, and just go. I'll meet people on the road, and I learned from being homeless and broke, if people like you, they will feed you. :D. I dunno though, maybe I'd be better off learning how to live off the land. Then I wouldn't have to deal with people at all. I think maybe I am not just depressed, but a manic depressive. Because lately, I've been going all the way up to bliss, then all the way down, all throught the day. I'll be in extacy for a few hours, then I'll crash and feel miserable and just want to sleep. I dunno, I guess I am just really confused. I basically have to sleep in the bed with Matt now because his best friend Ricky, who was allready living in his house in his own room, moved in to matt's room, and Matt had to get rid of his couch in order for Ricky to do that. So now I have to sleep in the bed with matt. It sux. He seems to be trying to get back what we had before, I got news for you, it's nice of u to let me stay there and everything, but it ain't happening, I let him come to a party with me the other day, and then he invited me to his dad's family barbicue but I did not go. Yesterday, he came up and visited me on my last day of work. Then he rode home with me instead of Ricky (he came up with ricky) Damien came and got me when I got there, and we hung out for the rest of the night, but Matt was like, why don't you just stay here and spend some time with me. Why do I need to spend time with you, I'm not with you, you are just another one of my friends and I allready spend that kind of time with you. I am not kissing you, I am not with you, why don't you spend time with that crazy bitch missy who u fucked? Guess how many people she told me she slept with? 45 and she is only 19 years old and she just turned 19 july 11th, and she was 17 her first time, so hmm.. what does that make her? I think it makes her dirty, and no, that isn't double standards, even if that was a guy he would be DIRTY. and hmm... she didn't use protection with you, so do u think she used it with anyone else? NO. So you probabally have diseases from her. that is 45 people in less than 3 years. that number wouldn't be so bad if it was spread out, but 45 in three years, yea it's not as bad as michelle, but it's pretty bad. And the bitch is ugly too. I could maybe understand if she was at least decent looking. First of all you need to get tested now, second of all, I was friends with her, if you wanted to be with me in any way shape or form, you don't sleep with my friend behiend my back. Secondly, it is Danielle's cousin, so Missy is going to be in my life for the rest of my life even if I hate her guts, because it's like Danielle's family is my family, I was at Missy's house before she even lived there, because it is danielle's grandmom's house. I'll have to see Missy at every family thing I go to. I usually go to christmas with danielle, I go to thanksgiving with danielle, I go to birthday things for people in danielle's family, so, you know, I'll have to see her again always for the rest of my life, because you know Danielle isn't going anywhere. She isn't even nice either, she is a big dumb mean bitch. So why would you think you could sleep with her and then keep seeing me? Never ever. I know it was a while ago, and I know I was gone, but the fact that you did that is always going to be in my head. And you were trying to get back with me and I would come home and she would be over there. What is that shit? Oh, I don't want her there, she just shows up. What do u have no control over anything? are you that much of a pussy? you said you didn't mean to sleep with her, you didn't like her, it just happened. Then you say you don't want her at your house, but she's there? Is nothing ever your fault, can't you ever take responsibility for anything? And now you say you want to get rid of her because she is telling her ex boyfriend that you want to fight him, and you never said that and you are having to deal with all this bullshit that she is causing, so the fact that it hurt me that she was over there, even though you say it was only one time, and you guys were just hanging out in a friendly way, even though it reminded me of everything and hurt me when she was over there, that wasn't enough to get rid of the bitch, but the fact that she's causing you problems in other areas is? Because of all this, you should just give up asshole, take a hint, we are just going to be friends, I'll live outside agian before I get back with you. I'm not for sale, I'm not going to kiss you again, to see you in that way agian, or pretend I do, just so I have somewhere to live. Ok, well, my time is up, I gotta get going
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hey, I didn't update the other one yet [31 Aug 2003|12:06am]
hi, I out, drunk, and a teeny bit high at a party. LOL. I had to drink one for Jessica even though I am in NJ b/c today is her birthday. Did u ever know that it is very hard to type when u r drunk. There is a lot I want to say, but I am having trouble thinking right now, and that is weird because I rarely can get onlie, and now that I can I can't remember all the things I was thinking that I wanted to put on here. Matt that I am living with came out with me tonight. I think he really wants to get back with me. It is confusing for me though, because even though he slept with missy, I still have feelings for him. But the thing is, i think they are stronger than before, or may-b I just realize them more. Oh well. Too late now. I can never do it now. It would always be in the back of my mind that he did that. And anyway, I should be with robert, he is great. Ok, well, I will say more later.

Amanda
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today and a few days ago. [25 Aug 2003|08:47pm]
ok, well first I'm going to put something I was writing a few days ago while I was in work: I am so bored here. It is too hot to be walking around, doing all of the things I am supposed to be doing. Skimming the pool, emptying the baskets. I need to go down the shore while the shore is still open and get lifeguard written on my bathing suit. this is such a pretty pen, but it is writing so badly. I think I am gonna jog again today. I allready jogged once this morning. I am so fat, I need to loose some weight. I weigh like 148 and I am 5'3" that is way too much. I wuld like to weigh 100 or 110 somewhere around there. I had a snapple a day for breakfast and I think I'm gonna have another one for dinner. there's a bunch of noisy ppl in the pool. I dunno maybe it doesn't even matter. What am I, or anyone else for that mattrer. There are no answers. Say you look at the partial answers science offers us. For example, evolution, ok it is pretty much proven that we have evolved, but ok, even if we evolved from a tiny cell, or an atom, or a molecule, or whatever we started from, where did it come from? And even if you say, oh well, it came from this or that where did that come from? Where did the earth it self come from? If it is just a peice of a bigger peice of rock, where did that bigger peice come from? It will all repeat itself in questions like that, everything came from soemthing but even if you get to the origin point of everything, and it was all natural scientifice answers, something had to create that, even if it was all scientificly figured out. Ok, I'll get finished later I am getting kicked out
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Ill finally update this thing [07 Aug 2003|10:43pm]
[ mood | creative ]

Ok, so basically I am no longer in Utah. Basically, my mom got me thrown out, long story. I went home, b/c at least here, I can eat with no money, b/c I know enough people, and I can have gas with no money, and if I didn't have a dog, I'd have a place to stay too. But basically since I do have a dog, I have been staying, in my car, in a tent in the woods, in cheap $40 roach motels, basically wherever. The good thing about this is that I have actually lost a lot of weight in the past month. I actually feel really free right now. I feel ok about it. I admit, the first night that I slept outside, I was scared shitless. My friend Matt showed me this woods that him and his people's hang out at. It was in like Blackwood of all places, like ghetto area, and there was a shitload of trash there, it wasn't like a camping woods. And to top it off, there was like 2 people we didn't know out there on quads. The one guy started talking to us, he was like a really dirty, sleazy looking 36 year old. He started talking about how he understood my situation, and he had been in a similar one, and how he was such a great and trustworthy guy. It just made me feel like he was trying to get my trust so i would trust him with shit. He started helping us with setting up the tent, and blowing up my mattress. Then a few of my friends and I had a bonfire. He stayed, then he started talking about how he was probabally staying out here tonight, so I would be ok because he was going to be there. Then I thought great, I am going to get raped by this guy tonight and murdered. Not that the murdered part would be so bad as long as he made it painless, but shit, I don't want to be brutally raped. Luckily matt ended up staying with me until he had to go to work @ 5am, and the guy, Vic i think he said his name was, left around 3, and thankfully didn't come back. So I didn't get brutally raped by the creep. Needless to say, I moved my stuff to goshen pond for the next night. Anyway, I admit, I was sad and terriffied that night. I think I was a pinch away from a nervous breakdown. I did cry. But now, I don't feel so bad about everything, even if things stay like this, I'm not worried about it anymore. I have nothing to worry about. No house to clean, no bills, except for insurance and cell. I sleep whererver I am at the end of the night, it is great. My dog was really happy running around in the woods. And a lot of nights people let me stay with them, my dog included. I spend some of the money my friend missy gave me for food, and I bought some pastels and paper, I am going to do some artwork, I'm going to try and sell some, that's what I really wanted to do when I was little, maybe it's my destiny. Anyway, now I have a job, I am lifeguarding again. I am actually getting paid $10 an hour. Which isn't bad at all, it was the same thing I was getting in Utah. Although I am a little in debt right now, so it's gonna be a minute until I save up enough to get back into an apartment. And the job does end at the end of the summer, so, I dunno. Anyway, things are for once actually really good for at least Danielle and my friendship. She is acutally treating me the way she should. Although, well, u kno, but she is for once actually with a guy who is not a douchebag. He is actually really cool. So... I guess, as long as she is happy. And I found there is a lot more people here for me than I thought. I actually have a whole lot of really good friends that really care about my welfare. And after all the times I thought no one cared. And I get to see who actually does care. Which I can tell you, Mike, no, Terelle, maybe he acutally does, although he didn't actually come through with ne thing, he tried to sell his motor scooter that he just got for his birthday in may to pay me back the money he owes me, but I am still not sure. Although honestly, I still really miss him. I found that Matt Gibson, not the one who stayed with me in the woods, even though he is an asshole who slept with missy, really does care. he offered for me to stay there, and fixed some stuff in my car, even though I didn't ask him, I asked Ricky to fix the car. Matt had said to me, even though you don't like me, I don't want you living like that, you can stay with me. Well, I don't know, I guess I am saying, even though I am homeless, and have nothing, I am ok, and I actually feel a lot better then I have in a while. Maybe it is because my mother and I aren't talking. Says something. Hey something else, nothing to do with ne of this, I actually, really miss jessica, maybe it's because she was pretty much the only person I had to talk to for like 3 months, I dunno, but for some reason, even though I have everyone else, I wish she was here too. Ok, well, I am blabbering on and on, and I am on my friends cpu @ his house, and i think he is getting mad at me. I'll write more tomrow @ the library
Amanda

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Goin Home [09 Jul 2003|03:38pm]
[ mood | excited ]
[ music | A New Found Glory- The great houdini ]

Ok, well I am going home tomorow. I decided it was just for a visit. Damien is coming back with me. Danielle again, even after I do whatever she wants, and she wouldn't have it any other way for every one of her birthday's, she again, can't give me the simple day that I want. It's not as though I ask for a lot, I ask for very little from her. I don't know why my happiness is that unimportant to her. I mean it's the same thing as when either one of us has a problem. It is always only her that matters. Like, when I realized she is never there for me and was screwing me over all of the time. She had some dumb problem with Randon, I was supposed to go caming with Joey, and Frank (who I at the time, really wanted), and I was supposed to yet again cancel my plans suddenly, because she had a problem, but yet, she is busy any time I have a problem. Like when I got thrown out of my house and she was too busy sleeping over Randon's and left me sleeping on my front lawn instead of staying home so I would have a place to stay, but I'm supposed to cancel my plans just because she's upset? It's like the same thing as when I was upset a few weeks after I got here, and i called her up crying, and she basically said it wasn't her problem that I was upset. But I'm supposed to care anytime something goes wrong in her life, I'm supposed to help her both emotionally, and financially, basically the way she sees it is her problems are mine, but mine aren't hers. I mean, yeah, for a change she was there, but I dunno, it just makes me feel really I dunno, hurt I guess. there's this song, that every time she asks me for something anymore, it's kinda how i feel. It says, "Are you aware of what you make me feel, Right now I feel invisible to you, like I'm not real, Why'd you turn away? Here's what I have to say I was left ot cry there waitin outside there grinning with a lost stare, That's when I decided, Why should I care, Cuz you weren't there when I was scared, I was so alone, You, you need to lisnten, I'm startin to trip, I'm loosin my grip, and I'm in this thing alone," it goes on from there, but's that's the main part that said how she was making me feel. I basically think that I should just turn her away when she calls me all upset, but I haven't , I should make her pay off her phone bill, shut off her phone, and everything else, but for some reason, I can't make myself do that, I love her too much. I have no idea why I keep doing things with the way she treats me. Anyway, I am going to get to see my Drew!! I am so excited!!! I think he is my soul mate. He doesn't think so though. He doesn't beleive in that ne more. But, all I can do is move on, and keep hoping for something with him, keep hoping that things will fall into place with him.

Well, there's some other things on my mind today, but we will get to that later, I'll continue writing, in another entry tonight.

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I'm going home [07 Jul 2003|11:29am]
I dunno, I pretty much decided today that I am going to go home and stay home. I just feel like I don't know what I am doing with this job. I am just not cut out for something like this. I think I am just going to try to go home and make it work with Mike. Maybe that's just the right thing to do. For once, I guess I should do the right thing. I mean, I feel like I am just wasting theese people's money, and Jon keeps people working even if they are not doing their job. I just have to go and talk to my Aunt about it. I guess I am really scared that I am not going to be anything or do anything with my life. I feel very alone right now. Everywhere I look I see unhappy people. Is that all there is to life, unhappiness? I seem to get myself into messes all of the time. I am at this point not even sure what I want as far as anything goes. At this point I don't want so much to kill myself, but I can't seem to find anything i want out of life either. And not that it would be possible to kill myself either. I am scared of pain. I want to die peacefully. But that doesn't seem to be possible. I just want to be able to go to sleep and never wake up. I think I am just going to go home and live out of my car for a while. My insurance is cheap now, and that can be my rent. Joe says to me, well I wouldn't let you do that. But, really what is he going to do, I'll just stay in my car until me and Mike figure everything out. We can get a place, he allready has his business started, and we had talked about starting a graphic design business together. I have to call chris and get it set up, but i think that is what I am going to end up doing. Well, I'll write more later
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What Now? [06 Jul 2003|12:04am]
[ mood | altering btwn down n smiles ]
[ music | Sublime- Garden Grove ]

Well, basically, yesterday, Danielle made up for the other night, she called me and made me feel special lol, and I felt better about the whole thing for a minute. But I guess, despite what I sometimes think, she is not the main reason why I am a nut case. And also despite what I thought I was going to have away from home, I actually had a very fun fourth of july. I guess even though in the wake of Thursday's pitty party, some people do love me, even though sometimes I get on the whole no one loves me thing. Even though sometimes, I don't get the exact type of love that I want from the exact people that I want it from, I do get love from the people who I want to love me and who should love me. The tough thing now is I am thinking of staying home when I go home to visit on the 10th, number one because everyone at home is overdueing the encouraging, although, Mike is the only one who actually gives a shit where I stay and if I can keep my dogs that I love more than death itself. He is working on getting me a place, although I don't want to screw my aunt, and John, although I don't really believe for one second that I will be, b/c I have heard so much about what a bad job that I am doing, and I also don't see that I am doing much of anything important, infact, I dont' see that I am doing much at all, I think they may actually be happy to see me go, I kinda am seeing that I am a bit of a problem. Ha, speak of the devil, there Mike goes calling now. Another song just came on, it's about love, and there was just a line that I really liked, "Sticks and stones break your bones but words break your heart." I feel so evil every time I talk to him, see here's the situation with him. Basically since I broke up with Terelle, I've been seeing Mike among many other guys, but refused to commit, or "make it official" or whatever, and believe me, he tried, we actually had stopped talking for a while, because after we had been well, whatever you would call what we were doing, we would see each other a lot, kiss, snuggle, and he would pay for me and my friends, and talk about things, but he was not the only one and he knew it, but anyway, after several months of this, he had filpped out and proceeded to tell me what an asshole I was, even though I didn't do anything, I just stayed honest and stuck to my guns b/c I knew I would only hurt someone if I committed to them at that point and that there was no way I could do it, so we didn't talk for a while, but then he proceeded to call me on Valentines Day, I guess it was last year(2002), and leave me a message, telling me he was sorry, he missed me, and he was in love with me. So basically, I continued on with him after that how we were before. But then right before I left NJ, there was the whole thing where Terelle and I reconcilled, so, I just didn't say ne thing to ne of the people who were ne thing more than just friends, well, if you don't count Danielle, but, after the whole horrible ordeal that went down that day with Terelle, I was all upset, and then I got a call from Mike, and he didn't know what was going on, but we were talking about how I was out here, and I couldn't go back to school, and I dunno, he offered to have me come home and live with him and he would take care of me for a while so I could go back to school, and he included me bringing my dogs in the offer. This just made me think at the time, what an idiot I was for not giving him a real chance, not giving him the committment he wanted. So, at that point, like an idiot, I brought back up the whole thing, and then I said I would be with him. Now, I didn't tell anyone about this, and I am having serious trouble taking the whole thing with him seriously. The good thing was, before he wasn't saying he loved me or anything, despite what he said on the message before, but, tonight, he said it, and I dunno, for some reason i said it back, I mean, he is very cute, and I like him very much, but I shouldn't have said it back, because, I dunno, maybe one day I will, but right now I don't, and it was really the wrong thing to do. But talking to him did make me feel better about a lot of things. Maybe I should just give in, and go with it, and maybe my feelings will grow. You never know, I mean, i usually can tell if it is a person I can fall for, but what do I know, I have only ever fallen for 2 people, so, maybe, it could happen. But even with all this said, there is a nagging feeling within me that if I did love him, he wouldn't feel quite the same way that he does now. Anyway, I am thinking about just taking him up on his offer at this point. I am causing my aunt a lot of aggrivation, everyone is complaining about me to her, she has to hear it from my grandpop, my uncle, and probabally well, I allready spoke on that so I won't say it again. I don't think there is any pleasing my grandpop either, because the only way he will be pleased is if I am miserable. Basically, he gets mad anytime I leave the house, last night he used the dog as an excuse, but even when I bring her, he still says shit, so I am positive it is not about the dog, it is about, that he wants everyone to be miserable like he is, but he shouldn't worry about that, because I am allready miserable, I am just trying to make it so I at least have a will to live. And I know that is not possible without me leavig the house. So I just don't think it's going to work here. I don't know. I think, all I actually accomplished here, was making it so my heart is drawn apart in even more directions. I now have my Aunt here, and now I also have Jessica, now I am not sure what she really thinks as far as me, but I know, it is very rare that I find people with the right type of thinking that I can actually enjoy talking to them, so, I am pretty sure that I am going to really miss her when I go home. And I allready had my aunt here that I was going to really miss. But on the other hand, I have Danielle and Damien at home that I miss more than anything, but that again, just over proves my point, that no matter what, I am torn in every direction. Ok, and I actually, even as I am writing am thinking about this whole thing with Mike, I mean, ok, it takes a whole lot to make me forget something that is bothering me, well, not forget in my head, but in my heart, make me feel better I guess, I mean, usually, taking a long ride with Danielle is the only thing that can do that. And when I came home today, I turned on the TV and was flipping through, and I don't usually watch movies on TV, but today there was nothing on, so I turned on Baby Boy, and it made me so sad, the character totally reminded me of Terelle, and I missed him so much at that point, and I dunno, I just wanted to go back to what we had before. I really started thinking that I was meant to be with him, but it had gotten screwed up, and I was going to be lonely and miserable for the rest of my life. Which, i know is ridiculous, and I knew it even as I felt it, but you can control your thoughts, not your emotions. But then Mike called, and I was all better, I dunno, maybe I was just distracted, but I don't think that is it. Mayb I am just a very confused person, and that is all there is to it. Oh, and i forgot, Danny, he wants me to have his baby. Weird thing for him to say. Basically, I got the drift, that he was telling me that he loves me. I dunno, I mean, when we first met, it was on the note of a hook up, a quick thing, u kno, but it ended up that we turned into friends, and stopped hooking up, and we ended up really good friends. And we ended up sticking through everything together, but I mean, he's a good friend, but I wouldn't say he's my best friend, or I'm in love with him or anything. The thing is he calls me his "Best Friend" which is fine, I'm flattered, but the whole "have his baby" thing, freaked me out, I mean, he is georgous, he is porterican, he has light eyes, they are blueish greenish, dark hair, a beautiful face, and a great body, he is georgous, he has a nice family and everything, and i have always said, I have never tasted food like his mom cooks, but, I dunno, I just don't want to go there with him, for more reasons than one, which I don't really want to get into. I have to admit, with how good he looks, it is tempting to start something though, I am not saying all of what he wants though, but I guess because he wants all of that from me, friends is where we should stay. I mean, and then there's also the whole he's friends with terelle thing. Ok, well, I am starting to sound like one of those idiot superficial high school girls that I hate, since I am in this strange mood, I will stop writing. I'll write more tomrow. :D

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ok, this is my first entry [03 Jul 2003|04:06pm]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | Avril Lavigne-Why should I Care &GC-Don't Wanna Stop ]

I just decided to put a journal on here. I was inspired to do this by one of my friends journals who is on here. I dunno, it seemed like a pretty good idea. Basically, what's going on right now is I am going crazy here. I am from NJ, right outside of philly. But, I am stuck in Utah for a while until I get the money up to be able to go home. Long story, anyway, i am going crazy. I am going crazy because I miss the person who makes me crazy. See, she's mostly the reason I left, that's another long story that may-b I'll get to later, but, basically when I made the decision to leave it was to get away from her, although by the time I left it wasn't to get away from her because everything was much better in that area, it was more just something I needed to do at the time. But now I am going crazy missing her. It is ridiculous in a sense. She makes me crazy when i am around her, she makes me crazy when we are fighting and not talking, she makes me crazy when we are far away from each other. The thing I realized though, is that she goes crazy with out me too. I realized that when we had another big fight and didn't talk for a few weeks, her reaction, told me that she goes just as crazy without me as i do without her, the thing that sux though, is when I am around, although she makes me crazy, I don't make her crazy, although it is very wrong, that is part of the reason I decided to leave. I wanted to make her feel as crazy and as miserable as she had been making me feel lately. But I guess all of that just shows how pathetic it all is. One person should never be that person to you, but all of that proves that she is. It's back and fourth and round and round. Well, I guess she doesn't "make me" crazy because I guess I am allready pretty crazy to begin with. She makes me more crazy I guess I should say. And more crazy is definitely not something I can afford to be. I dunno, and I am also not just trapped here, but I kind of feel caged in by life in general right now. I can't seem to get out of life for one thing, but I am not sure if I should or not either. Life is very confusing to me at this point. First off, I finally found a point to life, but I am not really sure if it is actually a point. See, I had been miserable for a while because I didn't think there was a point to anything, including life. I know what your thinking, but unlike when most people say that there isn't a point to life, it wasn't just an arbitrary thing to say when I said it, I had actually thoroughly and logically thought about it. Ok, think about it, why are we alive really? ok, lets say we get up today and go to work, why are we doing that, what is the point? well, maybe you say, one's reason could be to get money, well, why get money? you need money to live, or because it is fun to buy stuff, well, if it's to buy stuff, you always get tired of the stuff, and why have it for, to use it, for what, you are going to die and loose it all anyway, so you live your life for an endless cycle of stuff that you don't even get to keep and doesn't ever fufill you? and if it's to live, to support yourself in life, then it gets to the original question, why live? What could we possibly accomplish here that won't inevatebly (i'm a horrible speller) be abolished in death. And even if there is something that we could do that wouldn't be aboloished after death? for example, what if there is a god or a heaven? and your answer to me is you want to do good in life so you can go and be with god. Why? What do you want to go and be with god for? Why do you want to go to heaven? what then? for some other reason and just an endless pointless cycle. And what is god's point if our purpose is to be with god and he created us? what are we, just something to do because "god" was bored. If there is one supreme being "God" what is his point? think of every point there could possibly be, and it in the end, really doesn't have a point. Any point you have will circle back to where you started from. A real definitive reason, a point to living, will be something you won't be able to ask why to. If you think about it, all everything really is made of is a big circle, that is all everything is, a big circle. Try to picture the end of the universe. Can you? or is there something, even just a layer of black after it, but try to picture it going on forever, that's impossible to isn't it? It can't end, but it can't go on forever either. Basically a circle. The only answer that someone ever actually gave me that gave me a little peace was, your point is to go to your happy place, it wasn't the actual answer but more or less what it made me think. I realized that the point is to be happy, because since everything is essintally pointless, the only way doing anything is worthwile is if it makes you feel good, if you are happy, the point is to get and stay happy, that is the point to everything, the only thing that matters. The person who said that to me did something very special for me, he gave me a reason to live, I actually didn't want to die all the time after he said that. Of course, yes I do still have my brief moments, but it is no longer a continual every day thing. Ok, next thing, well, even though I wanted to have fun while I am stuck out here, I didn't want to form anything that I would miss. I mean, yeah, I will always miss my Aunt and my grandparents when I go home, I mean they moved out here 6 years ago, so I am used to it by now, but I didn't want anything else, I have enough to miss wherever I am at. I have my sister and father in Miami, My whole world in new jersey near philly, all of the people i love in north carolina, and then my Aunt here. Basically, my aunt and my sister are two of the people I love the most in this world, and my sister has always been far from me, and then my aunt, and then there's Danielle, and Damien they are at home in NJ well and everyone else I love back home, but you are always going to be away from someone you care about, I understand that, but I have never even come close to having all the people I love in one room, I never had my family, I am always dieing without someone. I actually started this journal entry today while I was at work, now it is 10pm, It's almost July 4th. I just feel really alone right now. I just got off the phone with Danielle, I had to call her like 3 times today to get her to answer. She misses me so much that she doesn't have time to talk to me. She makes me feel bad about not being home, but when does she ever care about how I feel, I don't even have anywhere to stay, why doesn everything have to revolve around her? She is so self-centered. She just kind of laughs things off when they bother me. She cares so much sometimes, sometimes it's like she can't bear to see me hurt and would do anything to make my hurt stop, but then some days, even if she is in a good mood, it's like to her, oh, why should I care about how anyone but me feels, It doesn't mean I don't care about you when I don't give a shit about how you feel, and it doesn't mean your not my most important person, caring about someone is having them do whatever you want and thinking it is fun when they are around and needing them, not being concerned about how they feel, if they have a place to live, how good their life is, it's almost like all those things are what she thinks, sometimes it's like she is 2 different people. I was scared I would loose the closeness with Damien and Danielle, but now I am wondering if I ever had it. I know who I love and how much I love them, but does anyone really love me. Is love even real? I had always been a hopless romantic, I had always believed that there was magic and love. But now I dunno, I just feel so wrong. I just want to have someone who can't live without me. I just want one person who would choose me over anyone. But Danielle can't leave Rob, and Damien, well, he's just not like that, I just don't think he lets anyone in to that extent. Everything good I ever believe always ends up being wrong, why not this. So is there really such thing as happiness, I certantally rarely get to feel it. And if there is no other point other than being happy, why am I here? I am certantally not happy. I don't think I will ever be. Let me ask you something. How many people do you know that are actually happy? I really don't know any. I just feel very alone. I just got off the phone with Dani, sometimes it hurts so much talking to her. She is going to go to school in florida eventually, she thinks I should go with her, but she also wants Rob to go with her, but the thing is, she wouldn't follow me here, I mean, I would have no intentions of going to Flordia if it wasn't to go with her, but what an idiot I would be to do that, I would be following her, i mean, I know from experience, I don't mean enough to her for her to follow me, why should I follow her then, what am I her dog that stays at her feet? I want to be as important to someone as they are to me. she's known rob for what? a month? we've been best friends for years, and right away, she couldn't leave him, but me, hey, whatever it doesn't matter, but yet she contiunally leaves me messages telling me how much she misses me and that she doesn't want us to grow apart and I need to come home right away so I can go to the beach with her. Where am I gonna live though huh? just make me feel worse. Remind me that i can't come home and that I am all alone. Remind me that everything I though I was going to do I didn't. Remind me that I lost my scholarship, and fucked up at the university of the arts or else I'd still be there. Fuck that, if you miss me so much come out here. I think, well, I know she would never let an animal go hurt or alone, she wouldn't let Lolo go back to the shelter, I think if I disappear, she will take her for me, if not, I am sure my Aunt will. Not that I am going to do anything dumb like try yet again to end it all, but I don't think I can do this anymore, first off, I am not cut off for an office job. I need to be free. And I am tired of playing everyone's game of money and buying things, and paying phone bills, and handeling car insurance. I am too messed up to ever do anything important. I always had though I was going to do something, but just like my stepmom said, how could i ever think I was ever going to be anything more than I am, her and my father always said I was going to be a fuckup with how I did when I was younger, yeah, that was her attempt to make me feel better, then when tears came to my eyes after she said that, she said, oh I'm not trying to make you cry, I'm just trying to make you realize, what the hell did you think I was going to do, I thought I was something, and you just not only told me that I was a peice of shit, but told me that it was unbelievable that I had thought anything other than that. I just feel bad, my Aunt has done so much to help me here, she has really stuck her neck out for me, but I don't think I can do this anymore. I can't deal with life for some reason. I just keep asking myself why do I keep pushing? for what? everyone says that thinking like that is selfish and I could have it much worse? but first of all, I'm supposed to live for no other reason then for everyone else? Giving up an opportunity like going off to a far college, or going away to take a good job, or missing out on some big opportunity for someone else is very stupid, but not wanting to live a normal life, or not wanting to live at all, but just doing it for someone else, that's ok? what a hypocrital thing. Basically, what ever makes you miserable is the right thing to do. Don't follow your heart, do what your supposed to do, what makes everyone else happy. It seems like the right thing is always what makes you miserable, the people you treat the best are the ones who treat you the worst, the people you step on are the ones who treat you the best, and to say it simply nice guys finish last. Oh, they say, maybe you treat the wrong people the best and the people who you deserve the best from you the worst and that is your problem, well, no, because I tried that one, When Terelle and I were first together, I admit, I wasn't the best to him, I didn't do all the things for him that I did for say, Danielle or Mary, I mean, I wasn't outright bad to him or anything, I just kinda treated him like he was just there though, at that time, he treated me like a princess, I had a phone in his name ( which i took good care of the bill), He just treated me like I was his queen. Well, we get back together and I decide to take everyone's advice into consideration, I start treating him like my King, during our breakup, I had switched my phone into my name, and he had put one of his own in his name, but he messed up his credit. So, I put him a phone in my name, he wasn't supposed to use it during the day though, he swore it. I started loving him like I had always wanted to, but just was scared to, what does he do then, a total 180, he runs me up a $300 bill which he apparently has no money to pay, even though he was supposed to have no bill and not use the phone AT ALL during the day, he uses 754 daytime minutes. He treats me like dirt, and he threatens to have me killed. Yeah, that theory of I was treating the wrong people good, and that was why, I don't think so, I just think in order to be happy, maybe you have to just treat everyone like shit, hey look at the few happy people I know, hmm my stepmom, she is pretty happy, what does she do, she treats most people like crap. Hmmm... what am I doing wrong. I think I am just going to dissappear into the mountains, or on to the beach, or into some woods or jungle. Live off the land, maybe I will survive, maybe I won't but at least I will be happier. Maybe I should say fuck everyone and what they will think of that. but maybe I dont' want to be alone, maybe I am scared. But even though I will be lonely, at least I will be a bit happier. I wish I had someone to go with me though, I had though maybe danielle was that person, I am starting to think not. She wouldn't go without Rob anyway, but I'm sure she would go with Rob and without me. Damien wouldn't go, I know that. So I guess I go alone, because I can't wait anymore for my magic. I am going to snap if I do, I am not meant for this. I wish I was like a caveman or something. I wish my job was to hunt for my food and clothes, and to roam and look for my shelter. Or an indian. They actually respected animals and nature. Maybe I have been a big dummy, I have only slept with one person, I am so stupid, I have to be in love, I say, maybe i just would have had people make me feel good and not have been hurt so much. I hate it, I know that wouldn't have worked anyway, because something is wrong with me, I can't even do anything unless I feel something special, maybe not in love for things other than sex, but something special, I have to see something special in the person, and it's not even looks, or sexual, I hate that sex can't even be sexual for me for some reason. Everything has to be so dramatic to me, in order to not feel dirty while something, anything is going on, in order to enjoy it at all, there has to be magic, and passion, and the person has to be someone special inside, I have tried to just fool around a little with guys who were georgous, but that didn't give me magic with everything else, who I didn't see the inner beauty, who i wasn't in the process of falling for, I couldn't get turned on for starters, I mean, maybe my body reacted a little, but not enough for it to be pleasurable, and I just felt like I wanted to get up and run away. So, that only happened a few times because I stopped trying for that, and started shooting for magic, but maybe magic isn't real, love isn't real, and sex is just a physical instict, and we are just like machines, and all are emotions are just chemicals, and we are just organic machines, that run out and die, and cease to exist one day, and decay into dirt, and then grow into grass, maybe that is all we are. Maybe, my heart, my instincts, and my body have just been incredibly stupid all this time, I never really fall for people who return it, I mean, yeah I loved Terrelle, but he didn't even make the magic, I mean, because there was the comfort there with him, and I did love him, and I knew he was special, but I couldn't even be in love with him, and because of that, I couldn't get turned on with him like I did with Vince, When I first met vince, I mean even though I was young, and I guess I wouldn't say i was so much the traditional idea of "attracted" to anyone, but you know, u did have crushes and think people were cute, and I did not even think that about him at all, in fact, he was kind of ugly to me at first, but as i got to know him, my eyes were distorted by my heart, and he became the sexiest man alive. But my heart was obvioulsy leading me wrong there, he definitely never loved me. I have only really been in love twice. And then well, there's the next person, which, when we first met, the thought never crossed my mind, but again, my heart pulled me there, i mean it took constantally being around each other every day for a few years, and it grew slowly and was very unexpected on my part, but it was again a dead end. But it fills my entire soul, and I don't know how to make it go away, with vince it took years and a whole lot of watching him be an asshole to make it go away, and the fact that I allready was heading into the next person didn't hurt. I know that the next person is incredibly gorgeous outside, and sometimes inside, but at first I didn't even see that, I mean, yeah, I agreed about the attractiveness, but I don't know it was a thing where I saw cute, not what I see now, not in a way where i was attracted, I could see it, but i wasn't personally attracted, but it was the inside that made me see that, It was how special and beautiful inside, it was talking about the universe, it was saying something and having her be the only person who gave the right response, it was being able to let her see me 100 percent, it was that she brought out parts of me that growing up had made me forget were there, it was how she would yell at me for littering, it was how she taught me that being honest was the way to go, it was how Sunday was "our day" every week, it was so many other things. For someone to be attractive really truly attractive to me, I guess I found that it is more what's inside, I guess that's why my taste is so varied, that it pretty much is that i don't have a specific taste, but if you really look, the people I go for, and the people i even just have in my life and see as beautiful, they have many simalar personality characteristics, and views, and they are just different and unique and special. I dunno, and then now, I am heading in another direction, but it will I am sure it will just lead me to the same place. I don't know at first sight, but when i first see something deeper then their skin, then I know, I know if one day I could fall, and I see something again. I am scared to go there, because, again, although I have many people that chase after me, when I start heading back in the same direction, they change their mind, I have kept guys for years, with me refusing committment, despite them repeatedly asking, despite the fact I did nothing sexual, and they stay, and most of them, wait for me, see no one else, but you know, I just keep them there, because if I picked someone, if I let them in, if I loved them like they love me, they wouldn't want me anymore, that's how it works, Vince chased me first, he asked me to be with him when we were so young and first got together, but it grew into the opposite once he got me, it's just how it works. I dunno, sometimes, how I feel is unavoidable though, like Vince, and the next person, it was rare, but I couldn't stop it, but maybe if I had held it in, and not let myself give them everything, and love them like I wanted to be loved, maybe it would have worked. Maybe if I had not kissed, maybe if I had not committed, maybe if I had held back and acted like I didn't care, I dunno, it's not like I rushed into it either time, it was very gradual both times, but as soon as i totally let go and let myself feel love, the other end dissappeared and my love was one way. I feel something heading toward there again. But I didn't want anything to keep me here, and it would never work anyway. I am so alone anyway, I am sitting here alone, with no one to talk to, I would have had a million people to call before I left, but you know what, I guess it shows, if anything I thought was true about those i loved, they'd still love me just as much while I was away. If it was true, it wouldn't dissolve. I don't know I am really scared. Even if I don't leave and go off into the mountains tonight, which is a definite possibility, I know it is inevatable, either that I or I will die somehow sometime within the next few years, wether it is by my own hands, or something else I dont know, although, right now, although I don't wish to take my own life, I do wish I would die in my sleep, but I know with how often I think about just dissappearing, one day I will do it, it's the law of averages. There's no way, when I think about dissappearing every day, that i will be able to stay. One day, i know I will just do it, maybe today, or maybe venting here will calm me and I'll be able to stay one more night. I guess it's day by day. It just like I knew I was going to try again before I did in february, and if Rick hadn't changed my mind about my yearning desire to die, i probabally would have kept trying. When you think about doing something every day, your eventually going to do it. But killing yourself, is extremelly difficult and most of the time painfull, most of my attempts have ended up painfull. I don't want to die vomiting and crying. I want to explode, or die snowboarding, or white water rafting. Or maybe in the woods trying to live off the land. That's why I decided I'm just going to dissappear. If I die trying to go and live off the land, trying to find why I am here, experincing nature, learning, maybe finding the answers that I am craving, maybe I will find some deeper meaning, maybe not, but I know I will be happier, and if I die, I die, it's a good way to go, at least I am happy when I go, I'd rather die happy, then live miserable. I think I will, I think I might go tonight. Tomorow is the fourth of July, it's gonna suck, I am here, and I have nothing here that is mine. I mean, I have somewhat friends here, but despite the fact that I know what I feel, I don't know how they feel about me, if they really want me around, or if they feel sorry for me. And I only have like 2 or 3 people who I can even think that about out here. At least at home, I know that they do actually want me around, that they are mine, but even them, I'm not sure if they love me or care about me, I mean sometimes, I really believe I am sure that they do, but sometimes, I'm almost positive that they dont, that I am not important at all. Right now, I think they dont but I am not sure. I just know I am not what I want to be to Dani, and you know what even though it is different with damien, I am not what I want to be with him either. He doesn't tell me things that he tells other people sometimes. I dunno, I am not anyone's most important person. I wish I could keep myself from having one. Ok, well, I am going to stop now because I have gone on far too long writing this, and I just read back over it, and I sound very winy, and poor me, and pathetic. So, since I don't want to sound like that anymore then what I allread do on here, I'm going to get going, and my next entry is going to be much less pathetic, and i will sound much less crazy, well if there is one. I am promising myself that I will no longer sound crazy, if that is because I am alone on a mountain and not talking to anyone, that is fine too(I'm half joking here, but half not), and if it is becuase I just don't write something so crazy, that is also ok.

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