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Avril Lavigne-Why should I Care &GC-Don't Wanna Stop |
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I just decided to put a journal on here. I was inspired to do this by one of my friends journals who is on here. I dunno, it seemed like a pretty good idea. Basically, what's going on right now is I am going crazy here. I am from NJ, right outside of philly. But, I am stuck in Utah for a while until I get the money up to be able to go home. Long story, anyway, i am going crazy. I am going crazy because I miss the person who makes me crazy. See, she's mostly the reason I left, that's another long story that may-b I'll get to later, but, basically when I made the decision to leave it was to get away from her, although by the time I left it wasn't to get away from her because everything was much better in that area, it was more just something I needed to do at the time. But now I am going crazy missing her. It is ridiculous in a sense. She makes me crazy when i am around her, she makes me crazy when we are fighting and not talking, she makes me crazy when we are far away from each other. The thing I realized though, is that she goes crazy with out me too. I realized that when we had another big fight and didn't talk for a few weeks, her reaction, told me that she goes just as crazy without me as i do without her, the thing that sux though, is when I am around, although she makes me crazy, I don't make her crazy, although it is very wrong, that is part of the reason I decided to leave. I wanted to make her feel as crazy and as miserable as she had been making me feel lately. But I guess all of that just shows how pathetic it all is. One person should never be that person to you, but all of that proves that she is. It's back and fourth and round and round. Well, I guess she doesn't "make me" crazy because I guess I am allready pretty crazy to begin with. She makes me more crazy I guess I should say. And more crazy is definitely not something I can afford to be. I dunno, and I am also not just trapped here, but I kind of feel caged in by life in general right now. I can't seem to get out of life for one thing, but I am not sure if I should or not either. Life is very confusing to me at this point. First off, I finally found a point to life, but I am not really sure if it is actually a point. See, I had been miserable for a while because I didn't think there was a point to anything, including life. I know what your thinking, but unlike when most people say that there isn't a point to life, it wasn't just an arbitrary thing to say when I said it, I had actually thoroughly and logically thought about it. Ok, think about it, why are we alive really? ok, lets say we get up today and go to work, why are we doing that, what is the point? well, maybe you say, one's reason could be to get money, well, why get money? you need money to live, or because it is fun to buy stuff, well, if it's to buy stuff, you always get tired of the stuff, and why have it for, to use it, for what, you are going to die and loose it all anyway, so you live your life for an endless cycle of stuff that you don't even get to keep and doesn't ever fufill you? and if it's to live, to support yourself in life, then it gets to the original question, why live? What could we possibly accomplish here that won't inevatebly (i'm a horrible speller) be abolished in death. And even if there is something that we could do that wouldn't be aboloished after death? for example, what if there is a god or a heaven? and your answer to me is you want to do good in life so you can go and be with god. Why? What do you want to go and be with god for? Why do you want to go to heaven? what then? for some other reason and just an endless pointless cycle. And what is god's point if our purpose is to be with god and he created us? what are we, just something to do because "god" was bored. If there is one supreme being "God" what is his point? think of every point there could possibly be, and it in the end, really doesn't have a point. Any point you have will circle back to where you started from. A real definitive reason, a point to living, will be something you won't be able to ask why to. If you think about it, all everything really is made of is a big circle, that is all everything is, a big circle. Try to picture the end of the universe. Can you? or is there something, even just a layer of black after it, but try to picture it going on forever, that's impossible to isn't it? It can't end, but it can't go on forever either. Basically a circle. The only answer that someone ever actually gave me that gave me a little peace was, your point is to go to your happy place, it wasn't the actual answer but more or less what it made me think. I realized that the point is to be happy, because since everything is essintally pointless, the only way doing anything is worthwile is if it makes you feel good, if you are happy, the point is to get and stay happy, that is the point to everything, the only thing that matters. The person who said that to me did something very special for me, he gave me a reason to live, I actually didn't want to die all the time after he said that. Of course, yes I do still have my brief moments, but it is no longer a continual every day thing. Ok, next thing, well, even though I wanted to have fun while I am stuck out here, I didn't want to form anything that I would miss. I mean, yeah, I will always miss my Aunt and my grandparents when I go home, I mean they moved out here 6 years ago, so I am used to it by now, but I didn't want anything else, I have enough to miss wherever I am at. I have my sister and father in Miami, My whole world in new jersey near philly, all of the people i love in north carolina, and then my Aunt here. Basically, my aunt and my sister are two of the people I love the most in this world, and my sister has always been far from me, and then my aunt, and then there's Danielle, and Damien they are at home in NJ well and everyone else I love back home, but you are always going to be away from someone you care about, I understand that, but I have never even come close to having all the people I love in one room, I never had my family, I am always dieing without someone. I actually started this journal entry today while I was at work, now it is 10pm, It's almost July 4th. I just feel really alone right now. I just got off the phone with Danielle, I had to call her like 3 times today to get her to answer. She misses me so much that she doesn't have time to talk to me. She makes me feel bad about not being home, but when does she ever care about how I feel, I don't even have anywhere to stay, why doesn everything have to revolve around her? She is so self-centered. She just kind of laughs things off when they bother me. She cares so much sometimes, sometimes it's like she can't bear to see me hurt and would do anything to make my hurt stop, but then some days, even if she is in a good mood, it's like to her, oh, why should I care about how anyone but me feels, It doesn't mean I don't care about you when I don't give a shit about how you feel, and it doesn't mean your not my most important person, caring about someone is having them do whatever you want and thinking it is fun when they are around and needing them, not being concerned about how they feel, if they have a place to live, how good their life is, it's almost like all those things are what she thinks, sometimes it's like she is 2 different people. I was scared I would loose the closeness with Damien and Danielle, but now I am wondering if I ever had it. I know who I love and how much I love them, but does anyone really love me. Is love even real? I had always been a hopless romantic, I had always believed that there was magic and love. But now I dunno, I just feel so wrong. I just want to have someone who can't live without me. I just want one person who would choose me over anyone. But Danielle can't leave Rob, and Damien, well, he's just not like that, I just don't think he lets anyone in to that extent. Everything good I ever believe always ends up being wrong, why not this. So is there really such thing as happiness, I certantally rarely get to feel it. And if there is no other point other than being happy, why am I here? I am certantally not happy. I don't think I will ever be. Let me ask you something. How many people do you know that are actually happy? I really don't know any. I just feel very alone. I just got off the phone with Dani, sometimes it hurts so much talking to her. She is going to go to school in florida eventually, she thinks I should go with her, but she also wants Rob to go with her, but the thing is, she wouldn't follow me here, I mean, I would have no intentions of going to Flordia if it wasn't to go with her, but what an idiot I would be to do that, I would be following her, i mean, I know from experience, I don't mean enough to her for her to follow me, why should I follow her then, what am I her dog that stays at her feet? I want to be as important to someone as they are to me. she's known rob for what? a month? we've been best friends for years, and right away, she couldn't leave him, but me, hey, whatever it doesn't matter, but yet she contiunally leaves me messages telling me how much she misses me and that she doesn't want us to grow apart and I need to come home right away so I can go to the beach with her. Where am I gonna live though huh? just make me feel worse. Remind me that i can't come home and that I am all alone. Remind me that everything I though I was going to do I didn't. Remind me that I lost my scholarship, and fucked up at the university of the arts or else I'd still be there. Fuck that, if you miss me so much come out here. I think, well, I know she would never let an animal go hurt or alone, she wouldn't let Lolo go back to the shelter, I think if I disappear, she will take her for me, if not, I am sure my Aunt will. Not that I am going to do anything dumb like try yet again to end it all, but I don't think I can do this anymore, first off, I am not cut off for an office job. I need to be free. And I am tired of playing everyone's game of money and buying things, and paying phone bills, and handeling car insurance. I am too messed up to ever do anything important. I always had though I was going to do something, but just like my stepmom said, how could i ever think I was ever going to be anything more than I am, her and my father always said I was going to be a fuckup with how I did when I was younger, yeah, that was her attempt to make me feel better, then when tears came to my eyes after she said that, she said, oh I'm not trying to make you cry, I'm just trying to make you realize, what the hell did you think I was going to do, I thought I was something, and you just not only told me that I was a peice of shit, but told me that it was unbelievable that I had thought anything other than that. I just feel bad, my Aunt has done so much to help me here, she has really stuck her neck out for me, but I don't think I can do this anymore. I can't deal with life for some reason. I just keep asking myself why do I keep pushing? for what? everyone says that thinking like that is selfish and I could have it much worse? but first of all, I'm supposed to live for no other reason then for everyone else? Giving up an opportunity like going off to a far college, or going away to take a good job, or missing out on some big opportunity for someone else is very stupid, but not wanting to live a normal life, or not wanting to live at all, but just doing it for someone else, that's ok? what a hypocrital thing. Basically, what ever makes you miserable is the right thing to do. Don't follow your heart, do what your supposed to do, what makes everyone else happy. It seems like the right thing is always what makes you miserable, the people you treat the best are the ones who treat you the worst, the people you step on are the ones who treat you the best, and to say it simply nice guys finish last. Oh, they say, maybe you treat the wrong people the best and the people who you deserve the best from you the worst and that is your problem, well, no, because I tried that one, When Terelle and I were first together, I admit, I wasn't the best to him, I didn't do all the things for him that I did for say, Danielle or Mary, I mean, I wasn't outright bad to him or anything, I just kinda treated him like he was just there though, at that time, he treated me like a princess, I had a phone in his name ( which i took good care of the bill), He just treated me like I was his queen. Well, we get back together and I decide to take everyone's advice into consideration, I start treating him like my King, during our breakup, I had switched my phone into my name, and he had put one of his own in his name, but he messed up his credit. So, I put him a phone in my name, he wasn't supposed to use it during the day though, he swore it. I started loving him like I had always wanted to, but just was scared to, what does he do then, a total 180, he runs me up a $300 bill which he apparently has no money to pay, even though he was supposed to have no bill and not use the phone AT ALL during the day, he uses 754 daytime minutes. He treats me like dirt, and he threatens to have me killed. Yeah, that theory of I was treating the wrong people good, and that was why, I don't think so, I just think in order to be happy, maybe you have to just treat everyone like shit, hey look at the few happy people I know, hmm my stepmom, she is pretty happy, what does she do, she treats most people like crap. Hmmm... what am I doing wrong. I think I am just going to dissappear into the mountains, or on to the beach, or into some woods or jungle. Live off the land, maybe I will survive, maybe I won't but at least I will be happier. Maybe I should say fuck everyone and what they will think of that. but maybe I dont' want to be alone, maybe I am scared. But even though I will be lonely, at least I will be a bit happier. I wish I had someone to go with me though, I had though maybe danielle was that person, I am starting to think not. She wouldn't go without Rob anyway, but I'm sure she would go with Rob and without me. Damien wouldn't go, I know that. So I guess I go alone, because I can't wait anymore for my magic. I am going to snap if I do, I am not meant for this. I wish I was like a caveman or something. I wish my job was to hunt for my food and clothes, and to roam and look for my shelter. Or an indian. They actually respected animals and nature. Maybe I have been a big dummy, I have only slept with one person, I am so stupid, I have to be in love, I say, maybe i just would have had people make me feel good and not have been hurt so much. I hate it, I know that wouldn't have worked anyway, because something is wrong with me, I can't even do anything unless I feel something special, maybe not in love for things other than sex, but something special, I have to see something special in the person, and it's not even looks, or sexual, I hate that sex can't even be sexual for me for some reason. Everything has to be so dramatic to me, in order to not feel dirty while something, anything is going on, in order to enjoy it at all, there has to be magic, and passion, and the person has to be someone special inside, I have tried to just fool around a little with guys who were georgous, but that didn't give me magic with everything else, who I didn't see the inner beauty, who i wasn't in the process of falling for, I couldn't get turned on for starters, I mean, maybe my body reacted a little, but not enough for it to be pleasurable, and I just felt like I wanted to get up and run away. So, that only happened a few times because I stopped trying for that, and started shooting for magic, but maybe magic isn't real, love isn't real, and sex is just a physical instict, and we are just like machines, and all are emotions are just chemicals, and we are just organic machines, that run out and die, and cease to exist one day, and decay into dirt, and then grow into grass, maybe that is all we are. Maybe, my heart, my instincts, and my body have just been incredibly stupid all this time, I never really fall for people who return it, I mean, yeah I loved Terrelle, but he didn't even make the magic, I mean, because there was the comfort there with him, and I did love him, and I knew he was special, but I couldn't even be in love with him, and because of that, I couldn't get turned on with him like I did with Vince, When I first met vince, I mean even though I was young, and I guess I wouldn't say i was so much the traditional idea of "attracted" to anyone, but you know, u did have crushes and think people were cute, and I did not even think that about him at all, in fact, he was kind of ugly to me at first, but as i got to know him, my eyes were distorted by my heart, and he became the sexiest man alive. But my heart was obvioulsy leading me wrong there, he definitely never loved me. I have only really been in love twice. And then well, there's the next person, which, when we first met, the thought never crossed my mind, but again, my heart pulled me there, i mean it took constantally being around each other every day for a few years, and it grew slowly and was very unexpected on my part, but it was again a dead end. But it fills my entire soul, and I don't know how to make it go away, with vince it took years and a whole lot of watching him be an asshole to make it go away, and the fact that I allready was heading into the next person didn't hurt. I know that the next person is incredibly gorgeous outside, and sometimes inside, but at first I didn't even see that, I mean, yeah, I agreed about the attractiveness, but I don't know it was a thing where I saw cute, not what I see now, not in a way where i was attracted, I could see it, but i wasn't personally attracted, but it was the inside that made me see that, It was how special and beautiful inside, it was talking about the universe, it was saying something and having her be the only person who gave the right response, it was being able to let her see me 100 percent, it was that she brought out parts of me that growing up had made me forget were there, it was how she would yell at me for littering, it was how she taught me that being honest was the way to go, it was how Sunday was "our day" every week, it was so many other things. For someone to be attractive really truly attractive to me, I guess I found that it is more what's inside, I guess that's why my taste is so varied, that it pretty much is that i don't have a specific taste, but if you really look, the people I go for, and the people i even just have in my life and see as beautiful, they have many simalar personality characteristics, and views, and they are just different and unique and special. I dunno, and then now, I am heading in another direction, but it will I am sure it will just lead me to the same place. I don't know at first sight, but when i first see something deeper then their skin, then I know, I know if one day I could fall, and I see something again. I am scared to go there, because, again, although I have many people that chase after me, when I start heading back in the same direction, they change their mind, I have kept guys for years, with me refusing committment, despite them repeatedly asking, despite the fact I did nothing sexual, and they stay, and most of them, wait for me, see no one else, but you know, I just keep them there, because if I picked someone, if I let them in, if I loved them like they love me, they wouldn't want me anymore, that's how it works, Vince chased me first, he asked me to be with him when we were so young and first got together, but it grew into the opposite once he got me, it's just how it works. I dunno, sometimes, how I feel is unavoidable though, like Vince, and the next person, it was rare, but I couldn't stop it, but maybe if I had held it in, and not let myself give them everything, and love them like I wanted to be loved, maybe it would have worked. Maybe if I had not kissed, maybe if I had not committed, maybe if I had held back and acted like I didn't care, I dunno, it's not like I rushed into it either time, it was very gradual both times, but as soon as i totally let go and let myself feel love, the other end dissappeared and my love was one way. I feel something heading toward there again. But I didn't want anything to keep me here, and it would never work anyway. I am so alone anyway, I am sitting here alone, with no one to talk to, I would have had a million people to call before I left, but you know what, I guess it shows, if anything I thought was true about those i loved, they'd still love me just as much while I was away. If it was true, it wouldn't dissolve. I don't know I am really scared. Even if I don't leave and go off into the mountains tonight, which is a definite possibility, I know it is inevatable, either that I or I will die somehow sometime within the next few years, wether it is by my own hands, or something else I dont know, although, right now, although I don't wish to take my own life, I do wish I would die in my sleep, but I know with how often I think about just dissappearing, one day I will do it, it's the law of averages. There's no way, when I think about dissappearing every day, that i will be able to stay. One day, i know I will just do it, maybe today, or maybe venting here will calm me and I'll be able to stay one more night. I guess it's day by day. It just like I knew I was going to try again before I did in february, and if Rick hadn't changed my mind about my yearning desire to die, i probabally would have kept trying. When you think about doing something every day, your eventually going to do it. But killing yourself, is extremelly difficult and most of the time painfull, most of my attempts have ended up painfull. I don't want to die vomiting and crying. I want to explode, or die snowboarding, or white water rafting. Or maybe in the woods trying to live off the land. That's why I decided I'm just going to dissappear. If I die trying to go and live off the land, trying to find why I am here, experincing nature, learning, maybe finding the answers that I am craving, maybe I will find some deeper meaning, maybe not, but I know I will be happier, and if I die, I die, it's a good way to go, at least I am happy when I go, I'd rather die happy, then live miserable. I think I will, I think I might go tonight. Tomorow is the fourth of July, it's gonna suck, I am here, and I have nothing here that is mine. I mean, I have somewhat friends here, but despite the fact that I know what I feel, I don't know how they feel about me, if they really want me around, or if they feel sorry for me. And I only have like 2 or 3 people who I can even think that about out here. At least at home, I know that they do actually want me around, that they are mine, but even them, I'm not sure if they love me or care about me, I mean sometimes, I really believe I am sure that they do, but sometimes, I'm almost positive that they dont, that I am not important at all. Right now, I think they dont but I am not sure. I just know I am not what I want to be to Dani, and you know what even though it is different with damien, I am not what I want to be with him either. He doesn't tell me things that he tells other people sometimes. I dunno, I am not anyone's most important person. I wish I could keep myself from having one. Ok, well, I am going to stop now because I have gone on far too long writing this, and I just read back over it, and I sound very winy, and poor me, and pathetic. So, since I don't want to sound like that anymore then what I allread do on here, I'm going to get going, and my next entry is going to be much less pathetic, and i will sound much less crazy, well if there is one. I am promising myself that I will no longer sound crazy, if that is because I am alone on a mountain and not talking to anyone, that is fine too(I'm half joking here, but half not), and if it is becuase I just don't write something so crazy, that is also ok.
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