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[10 Feb 2004|01:25am] |
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This whole thing's just seriously screwed up.
I know I can do so much better (this isn't academic, just so you know), but.. I seem to be so comfortable with what I had. Had, because I have no clue what I "have" now.
I seriously need to move on, but there's a part of me that wants things to go back to what they were. Right now it's so fucked up that I don't know what I want "ahora," but I do know that I don't want things to end. I don't know.
It's not easy to get my trust and my love, so to just completely trash it the second I start believing? Mm. Not smart. I guess it's not exactly like that, but gah.. it does sting.
Hell, it more than stings.
He's got this uncanny ability to make things happen at the worst times possible. Great, no?
I still say, if I went to some coed school, I'd get daily reminders of the dumbness of guys (in general) in my age group. Theeeenn, I wouldn't be having things freakin' problems. Ugh.
If Monday doesn't work, I'm either going to get together (or try to) with my old St. Mark's friends OR drag people (*cough*ELENA!) out to the movies or something. I need some relaxation, some friggin change of pace. Some distraction.
And, depending on things.. if Sunday does work out, I'll show him. He's not as essential to my stability as I thought he was.. or, I hope so. And you know what? Love is blind. I'm just barely starting to see that, hey, maybe he isn't such the good guy I thought he was. If not that, then.. he's completely lost in a maze and needs help getting out of it.
That's what this whole thing feels like. A completely screwy maze.
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