okay. lj people are probably sick of my rants, so i will post a short one here.
things shouldn't be complicated, shouldn't be like they are.
maybe it's my fault.. maybe everything's my fault, but i just don't understand.. what i could do to change things back to what they were before.
intentionally vague, yes.
i'm starting to feel like i'm getting in the way of things again, but with different people this time, and it's a different kind of relationship altogether.. and a different situation, yes, but .. so similar, the feeling. the feeling that i butt in at the wrong time, that something could've happened if i wasn't there, that so many things would be so much simpler if i never existed.. or, at least, if i never started talking to them again, you know? none of you will know who i'm talking about unless i'd told you straight to your face (er, userpic? bah), but.. i just feel the need to keep ranting just to keep my mind from replaying things over and over.
you really never do know how to appreciate something (someone) until you're not sure that you'll ever truly have it (them) again..
i wish that weren't so true...
what hurts is that after so many times of apologizing, i think what'd happened (the barely communicating for a quarter thing, how ever they put it) is still sticking with them. even though they said it was okay because they knew i would've been there for them if i'd known what'd been going on.. it feels like they're still a little bitter about it. maybe not bitter, but.. just... something.
i don't want to "lose" them, so to speak.. but i don't like this selfishness. *sigh*
the thing is, i'm just so.. unable to deal with this. and it's so stupid.. that i constantly convince myself that yeah, today, i'll be able to handle it.. but i can't, and i still can't come the next day.
i think i've been bugging them, too, so maybe i'll just stop altogether. it's not like it's worth it anymore.. i don't know. actually... yeah, i really don't know. they have the choice.. but they haven't done anything. one minute, it's one thing.. the next, something else. and it's almost driving me insane..
i shouldn't be so blind.. yet something's holding me back. something's keeping me from not thinking...
this situation is so different from anything that's ever happened before.. yet that one similarity with something else.. that one thing... is keeping me from going for what i want. plus.. that guilty feeling of selfishness whenever i think of what i want... and whenever i'm tempted to do something to get what i want.
and there's that uncertainty.. and that jealousy... and everything that comes with things like this.
i really, really should open my eyes and see, clearly, what's going on. for once, i should force myself to be aware of everything.. and to form conclusions from that, instead of from half-blurred distortions of what's been going on...
i need someone, somewhere, something to run to when things, moods, get like this. but i have no one, nowhere, and nothing. well.. i have someone (family, heh, pathetic).. but what i need is someone i can talk to about everything.. there is to talk about. i don't know.
just ignore me. i'm messed up, yo.