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[23 Apr 2004|10:51pm] just to see what it'll look like when it "hatches" :D 5 comments|post comment

[07 Apr 2004|08:06pm] i am so sore. i think it's from sitting so much. in this position. okay, so this isn't exactly a post of substance.. but it's getting better, right? i think.. i think i'll go read in bed :P 4 comments|post comment

[05 Apr 2004|08:42pm] Elena Smith -- "for my eyes only." What a fucking lie. For "your eyes only" means no one should be on that friends list of yours. To the people who're reading -- Sorry. Irked. I promise, there'll be a post of substance here sometime. 2 comments|post comment

[10 Feb 2004|01:25am] [ mood | hurt ] This whole thing's just seriously screwed up. I know I can do so much better (this isn't academic, just so you know), but.. I seem to be so comfortable with what I had. Had, because I have no clue what I "have" now. I seriously need to move on, but there's a part of me that wants things to go back to what they were. Right now it's so fucked up that I don't know what I want "ahora," but I do know that I don't want things to end. I don't know. It's not easy to get my trust and my love, so to just completely trash it the second I start believing? Mm. Not smart. I guess it's not exactly like that, but gah.. it does sting. Hell, it more than stings. He's got this uncanny ability to make things happen at the worst times possible. Great, no? I still say, if I went to some coed school, I'd get daily reminders of the dumbness of guys (in general) in my age group. Theeeenn, I wouldn't be having things freakin' problems. Ugh. If Monday doesn't work, I'm either going to get together (or try to) with my old St. Mark's friends OR drag people (*cough*ELENA!) out to the movies or something. I need some relaxation, some friggin change of pace. Some distraction. And, depending on things.. if Sunday does work out, I'll show him. He's not as essential to my stability as I thought he was.. or, I hope so. And you know what? Love is blind. I'm just barely starting to see that, hey, maybe he isn't such the good guy I thought he was. If not that, then.. he's completely lost in a maze and needs help getting out of it. That's what this whole thing feels like. A completely screwy maze. 11 comments|post comment

[18 Oct 2003|11:39pm] Yeah. So I suck.. and that's all there is to it. 9 comments|post comment

[17 Oct 2003|01:15am] [ mood | z_z ] You know, you'd think that 18+ year olds would learn to read FAQs, especially for something as simple as validation. ( support rant ) Yeahh.. that's all I can think of. Now I will go do homework.. after I finish this entry. Blurty still has to fix the search thing at the bottom of /see_request.bml pages. They still act as "submit answer" or whatever buttons, for some reason. My mom just gave me $60 at around 11:00 for my allowance for this month, next month, and field trip money. Bah. I really don't need it =\ Now I break the $100 level again, heh. I dunno, I just feel bad because she's working so hard and I don't even really have to do anything to get that allowance.. and I don't really need it. Oh well. Just save it until I do need it, or until they need it or something. Which I hope they won't, because that wouldn't be a good thing if they had to turn to me for money.. but of course, I'd be more than glad to give it all to them because it's theirs by right anyway. I'm sleepy again. Off to do homework before I decide to screw it all xP 7 comments|post comment

[11 Oct 2003|11:31pm] Oh dear lord. I can't look at the board anymore. I spend a .. an hour or so on an old request, and about 10+ new ones pop in. BERT HO. I need to ask you about something. Please. Something that Blurty Support ... desperately needs. Sort of. So yeah, IRC me (blu, lazynet). When you're back. Whenever that is :P Or just email or comment or something. I am taking a break from the board. I feel an addiction coming on, and that isn't going to do anything good to my grades. Yeah. Goooooone. 3 comments|post comment

*shivers* [11 Oct 2003|04:49am] [ mood | cold ] C-c-coold *shiver* ..That's all for now. 4 days and counting.. Hm, one more thing, heh. I went over here and stomped on stuff. Oh yes. Now, I will pray that my priv will not get revoked for being actively active after being inactive for.. a very long time. *shiver more* Jeez, it's freezing. Off to bed now.. and I need to stop being nocturnal, dammit. 'Night, all. 7 comments|post comment

[17 Sep 2003|08:32pm] [ mood | melancholy ] okay. lj people are probably sick of my rants, so i will post a short one here. things shouldn't be complicated, shouldn't be like they are. maybe it's my fault.. maybe everything's my fault, but i just don't understand.. what i could do to change things back to what they were before. intentionally vague, yes. i'm starting to feel like i'm getting in the way of things again, but with different people this time, and it's a different kind of relationship altogether.. and a different situation, yes, but .. so similar, the feeling. the feeling that i butt in at the wrong time, that something could've happened if i wasn't there, that so many things would be so much simpler if i never existed.. or, at least, if i never started talking to them again, you know? none of you will know who i'm talking about unless i'd told you straight to your face (er, userpic? bah), but.. i just feel the need to keep ranting just to keep my mind from replaying things over and over. you really never do know how to appreciate something (someone) until you're not sure that you'll ever truly have it (them) again.. i wish that weren't so true... what hurts is that after so many times of apologizing, i think what'd happened (the barely communicating for a quarter thing, how ever they put it) is still sticking with them. even though they said it was okay because they knew i would've been there for them if i'd known what'd been going on.. it feels like they're still a little bitter about it. maybe not bitter, but.. just... something. i don't want to "lose" them, so to speak.. but i don't like this selfishness. *sigh* the thing is, i'm just so.. unable to deal with this. and it's so stupid.. that i constantly convince myself that yeah, today, i'll be able to handle it.. but i can't, and i still can't come the next day. i think i've been bugging them, too, so maybe i'll just stop altogether. it's not like it's worth it anymore.. i don't know. actually... yeah, i really don't know. they have the choice.. but they haven't done anything. one minute, it's one thing.. the next, something else. and it's almost driving me insane.. i shouldn't be so blind.. yet something's holding me back. something's keeping me from not thinking... this situation is so different from anything that's ever happened before.. yet that one similarity with something else.. that one thing... is keeping me from going for what i want. plus.. that guilty feeling of selfishness whenever i think of what i want... and whenever i'm tempted to do something to get what i want. and there's that uncertainty.. and that jealousy... and everything that comes with things like this. i really, really should open my eyes and see, clearly, what's going on. for once, i should force myself to be aware of everything.. and to form conclusions from that, instead of from half-blurred distortions of what's been going on... *sigh* i need someone, somewhere, something to run to when things, moods, get like this. but i have no one, nowhere, and nothing. well.. i have someone (family, heh, pathetic).. but what i need is someone i can talk to about everything.. there is to talk about. i don't know. just ignore me. i'm messed up, yo. post comment

[14 Jul 2003|03:16pm] [ mood | okay ] I can't concentrate at all. Stuff happened, but everything's okay for now. That's all I'm gonna say.. here.. about it. It's so weird how (sometimes) you can get to know people better by reading their journal than by actually communication face-to-face with them sometimes. So much easier, too, to talk to them online as opposed to RL communication. Stuff that half of my family wouldn't understand. Have promised since the last big fightish thing that I wouldn't spend a lot of time online anymore. I'm sort of keeping that promise. Main reason why it's break and I'm bored as hell but I'm not doing any support stuff. I know that if I start to really work on it, I'd either get hooked or get annoyed at it. Ah, decisions, decisions... Main thing.. I'm just so damn lazy now. I really have to start and finish APUSH stuff, but I'm not even picking the book up. Dammit.. I need to stop this and get myself .. soemthing or other. Eh. It's scary how alike you can find two people to be. Especially when you think that the two of you have nothing in common.. or, um, thought/had. Just so weird and stuff. Should get my AP score sometime in the mail. I don't want to know it. I'm just happy knowing I'd passed.. Heh, Ms Barnheiser was telling me how Ms Platz and Mr McCarthy would have the AP scores... my response? "No no no, don't tell me, I don't wanna know, nope, not hearing anything, lalalalala.." Couldn't resist, so when Mr McCarthy walked in the room, asked him whether I'd passed or failed. I passed. I'm happy. I really don't want to know the score. Really. That's like, one thing off my back. A whole bunch is left. Mainly.. summer work. grrrr. NEED TO DO THE STUFF. NEEEED. I think I'll go try and read APUSH now. The sooner it's done, the better. Yup.. post comment

[06 Jun 2003|11:37pm] very brief update: - still away-ish - moved yet again - have my license - may drive next school year - very tired - la de da. -- bertho: i promise, i WILL go and do something once i get time. I have a bunch of stuff that I need to get straightened out before I can do much at all. I;m sorry!!.. -- users looking for userpictures: To those of you who have already asked me for a userpic, I will make them. I don't care if you don't want them anymore (sorry), but i'm makin' them and i'm a-sendin' them to you. To anyone else who wants one (or more) but haven't asked yet, i'm not your person, at least for now. I'm very very busy and things right now. I'm sorry. woo. oh, and YOU ( krelboyno )! ADD ME. this is.. you know. who. yeah. Its me and no, i'm not your sister or mom or dad in disguise. But add me, yeah? Yeah. 2 comments|post comment

[10 Apr 2003|02:12am] Whew. Made a decision, let's see if I can keep with it ;) No more Support stuff for now until my youreplied filter goes down by at least half. I really need the sleep, too, and Support's sort of taking away from it. Now I just have to work on staying away from the board.. ah, why'd I have to get addicted again? I'm pathetic, I know. Muahaha. *dies* Need.... sleep.... as you can probably see.... 2 comments|post comment

[08 Apr 2003|11:25pm] [ mood | fuzzy-brained ] Yay. :D Seeability again, heh. Nice. Thank you thank you whoever (*coughdevilcough*) did it :) I'm a dork. Staying on and messing around with the board (so, not messing around...but I'm working. Yeah, that.) instead of sleeping. I feel all that "Hmm.. is this good? Yeah, but.. hm. Should I ask? Doubt anyone's awa--hmm." thing all over again. Except, this time, it's in not just customization. My. Only touching validationish stuff when it's not cust, though. Because I suck at other stuff, sort of. But I love my cust. Muahaha. *steals it all* Oh, yeah. moving. That's the other thing I do when it's outside of cust. I think. Wee. A little braindfried here. Wasted a bunch of time online yesterday, so I didn't get much sleep (had to do homework, too). Came home and slept right away...from four to eight, I think. Naps are my friends, now. Periodically fell asleep in Chem today -- Ms Diaz kept making me wake up. Once when I wasn't asleep, too. Heh, good thing I know the material. Bad thing that she doesn't seem to understand that I was this close to dying because of that buildup of lack of sleep. So.. not dying. But anyway. Very random update to show that I'm alive. ;) I'd gotten better from that cold, but got it again. It really sucks, too, because I hate the runny nose/stuffy nose thing. And that's what I have right now. Urgh. Need to remember to bring tissue tomorrow just in case. Mr Pham still won't sing to the class. One day, we'll make him. I will. Or something. It's really amusing, you know. He sings and dances disco. Isn't that fun? Well, not really, in the sense that he won't do it for us. Ah, we'll make him. Just watch. I'm sure none of you are interested in the school life, though, heh. :) Think I'll go and hop around some more on the board. Maybe even bug bertho to add me to the comm. :P Okay, okay! I'll leave and stop crowding your friend's pages with random, nonsensical ramble. ;) 7 comments|post comment

[30 Mar 2003|01:08am] [ mood | sick ] Lots of requests that interest me, and yet I can't do because .. well, I sort of kind of need more information. Which I can't get. Yup, I was definitely spoiled by my past privs at LJ... heh. Maybe I'll do more when I have more time. Yes. In "other" news.. I am quite sick. As i mentioned last. Dry cough right now, not fun. Sad for some reasons. Mostly tired, though. Heh. School is the devil :( post comment

[29 Mar 2003|06:54pm] Headache. Think I'm going to die. Damn cold. I think that's all for now, except ... "HI!" to everybody. Since, you know, I...sort of Blurty-died. Um, one more news. "News." I did two requests. Aren't you proud? After being support-less for well over two months (I think), I finally did two requests. Amazing that I actually remember what to do, too. Or so I think. Now, that's really all for now. Goodbye, see you all ... sometime. :) 8 comments|post comment

ugh. [24 Jan 2003|02:18pm] [ mood | bored/happy combo ] I swear, I do way too much. Should just do the thing for them and not worry, but .. eh. What am I talking about and why? This took me way too long. But hey, it was fun. Something you don't see on LJ anymore (at least, that I don't). Heh, it even looks like a tutorial.. and I say I hate writing them. But then it's true! I like knowing what exactly I have to explain.. generally, with tutorials.. you have some exact thing to add into something very general or something. Specifics, though, is what is (usually, sometimes, hopefully) encountered on the board. Woohoo! Ahem. Yeah, I told you I have no life. Finals are finally over (WHOOPEE!!) and.. yeah. So I work on the board. I really should clean some of the mess I made while studying.. but. That can wait. :) I don't think I'd done something that long since some girl on LJ once said that I wrote a whole fucking novel for her request. Be warned: when you give me something to do that requires/seems better with explaining... You get tons of it =P Hope... hope this person isn't like, a pro at HTML. Because if that's true, then that monster of an answer (if approved) would or might get them pissed off, me seeming like they don't know anything. But then again, they asked. So they got a monster answer pending. Or something. Trying to decide on what to write for this English ... thing. Which is due Tuesday, when we come back (Monday = no school. Doesn't that rock? The only thing I like about finals...). Ah, well. I should... do something vague. That I'm not getting into. But I won't because.. just because. Nothing bad, I promise. Nope. ... Yeah. Once again, I have nothing to talk about. I feel sorry for whoever has me added me as a friend, heh. Either no entries, or entirely ranty ones, going on and on about nothing specific. Nice. So I'll leave now.. 1 comment|post comment

[24 Jan 2003|12:20am] [ mood | look at the pretty stars... ] study, study, study. well.. done, just about now. that's a positive. Like I've said, I have no life. Hah. Well, sure, I'm alive.. but see, no extensive social life. Yes, school takes up my life. Isn't it wonderful? I really think I'm turning into something (right, ..thing) nocturnal. I stay up all night without feeling tired.. but come morning.. I can never wake up. Ugh. Random thoughts, this is all. Friend says there's some meeting after school tomorrow till 2:00 (and we're getting out at 10:00, dammit!).. Science Olympiad meeting. Damn. Do I want to stay? .. If it's not optional, of course I'd stay, but.. if it wasn't optional, she would've told us, too. Eh. Little note. It's amusing to be in the top 10 when you only have 24 points. Heh. Very amusing. Gah. Once again, missed CSI, though girl_friday sort of unintentionally reminded me in a reply comment.. :) Study, yes. Forgot? Maybe. Kind of. That shows you the attention span of my brain at the moment. Next victimshow on the list (to be watched): Girlmore Girls. Sunday. Must remember. Wait, wasn't there another show I wanted to watch on Sunday, too? UGH. Chinese New Year in a couple days (okay, so... 9/10 or so days?). Yay! *cackles and grins and rubs hands together evilly* Nope, of course i'm not plannign things... This is enough. Bored by now, yes? I have noting to say, really. just.. felt like updating. dammit, shift key is getting on my nerves.. won't cap. everything, then... hah! take THAT, shift key!! note to self: WORK on FINISHING finals. please. thank you. kthxby. post comment

[21 Jan 2003|04:54pm] Studying (or not) for finals right now.. ugh, I think I just failed (hah, for me, that's a B or worse) one.. ah, well. Reminds me, I still need to talk to my counselor about some stuff. Eh...I bet I'll forget when the chance comes.. Scheduling for classes starts next week. Damn, that's fast. Randomly saying things.. ach, oh well. Hi. And..... yeah. Goodbye. post comment

mooof. [05 Jan 2003|11:14am] [ mood | blank ] [ music | ... ] am avoiding finishing the last journal for english, which has to do with analyzation of diction, tone, and theme in a poem. let it be known: i hate analyzing things. must watch charmed tonight. yes. uh.. nothing, really. hi. i really wish that vacation would last another week. heh. should learn to not procrastinate.. 4 comments|post comment

i'm alive! [04 Jan 2003|06:10pm] yes. alive. sure. *nod* read all day, two days, for ap. finished 4 chapters (the ones i had to read + the ones i needed to catch up on), all textbook style chapters. so proud, muahaha. uh, nothing else, really. went to the cabazon outlets again beginning of this week (i think?), got a leather jacket. i didn't want it, but noo. they got it. eh, oh well.. at least i might be warm if we ever have to go to the ins and line up in the freezing cold again. yes, hopefully that made sense. ... i want that book. the green darkness. may just force people to take me to the library and get it. because. damn though, hopefull i can finish it. HOPE HOPE HOPE. think that's all.. haven't been online lately. nope, didn't get a life (hah hah) .. just .. was actually doing what i was supposed to start doing earlier on. doing homework. stupid procrastination, etc.. eh. last thing: baby cousin (wade) is adorable. think i'l in love with babies. weee. hehehhe. ahem. off to finish that journal thing for english. goodbye. :) 2 comments|post comment

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