Below are the most recent 12 friends' journal entries.

Monday, September 8th, 2008
blurtysecret [ emolyricsjrgod2 ]	9:09p	(Comment on this)
Sunday, September 7th, 2008
whycut [ amongtheashes ]	12:59p	The shadows Hey everyone, I'm writing here today because I had a relapse. After 3 years...wow. I can't even believe that it's true. I just had to write about it...because I can't tell anyone I know. My husband knows that I used to cut, but he thinks that it was just a teenage angst, emo thing. What he didn't know was that I practiced SI in different forms ever since I was 10 years old. He would never accept that it's just a part of who I am. Maybe that's ok...but I still just want to hide it...for now. If I am careful, he never has to know. I don't think the thought that the cuts are self inflicted would even cross his mind. Anyway...I have been relatively happy over the past 3 years...but the past months have brought a lot of stress and difficulty. A lot of family issues, money issues, school issues, work issues...STRESS! I have always thought that my time for the razor blade would come again...I just didn't know when....it's like it's part of me...and I can never completely let it go. Over the past month..I have seriously considered cutting. And then...one day when I was at home alone... I decided to take a razor apart. My heart was beating SO fast and all these thoughts were going through my head...So I did it. 3 small cuts on my arms, near my elbow, so as not to look too conspicuous. That was a about a week and a half ago. It was so different than what I remembered...I mean...in some ways. It was mostly the way I felt during and after. I used to be very upset when I cut...but this time...I was just calm...and somewhat excited about the anticipated relief. Also, after I was done...I simply felt...relief. No guilt, no reprimands, no regrets. The relief was great...and when it was done...it was done. I took care of them...put my blade in a safe place...got ready for work and had a great day. Then...2 days ago...I was feeling like shit, and had so many demands on me...so I cut again. This time 2 longer and deeper cuts. One on my leg, the other on my arm. My husband hasn't noticed them yet...I've been careful to conceal them. I figure...if they go a couple more days before he notices...I can say they were from playing with the cat. The experience with these cuts was similar to the first series. I was calm and guilt-free. I again had a pretty good day after bleeding...but still felt a little under the weather. I am not sure how I am going to handle this, though. Will I become how i was before?? Will I have to cut to get through the day? Will I have to constantly lie, like I have before?? I want none of these things. But I want all of these things. *sigh* I want to just throw the razor blade away...and never think about cutting again. But when I consider throwing it away...something stops me from following through. What if I need it? What if it becomes too much? What if I just need a little tiny boost? It can't be that bad...can it? The fact is...this is who I am. This is how I handle stress. I have to truly accept it. Once I do...maybe I can tell my husband. I really think it's silly how happy he makes me...how much I love him and myself when we're together...yet I can't let go of this one thing when we're apart. And I know how much it would hurt him to find out...but I also know that he would be supportive and he would want me to get help. I. don't. need. help. I stopped by myself before, with years in between...I can do it again. The last thing I would ever want is to be medicated - I have no objections to therapy...but if medication is mentioned, I'd walk out. Maybe that's what I'm afraid of. I don't want to change myself in that way. I want to be me. I consider myself a writer...I write poetry, songs and sometimes stories...and I feel that I get so much inspiration from the broken child locked inside, and it projects itself in such a calming and refreshing way. The darkness, I call it. I have grown up...and have learned that leaving things behind is the only way to advance. But I have also learned that those things will always be there. I make the best out of them. If I'm not me anymore...if I have no more darkness...what will I write about? Well, sorry for the long and rambling post. I needed it! Thanks <3 Alicia P.S. BTW, some of my writing is posted in my journal, if you wanna check it out. (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 6th, 2008
blurtysecret [ deepxtrouble ]	11:42p	(Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008
blurtysecret [ ___looselips ]	10:45p	I'm completely and utterly obsessed with EVERYTHING that has to do with the Twilight series. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008
unsent [ stonedfairy ]	10:27p	hopefully the last letter to you dear raphael, I understand completely your position in the situation. I can't force you to want to be with me and I understand and appreciate the fact you don't want a relationship. however, as understanding as I am, I also have to look out for myself. I can't continue whatever semblence of a friendship we have when inside I know I want more from you. I can not and will no longer continue to have a physical relationship with you knowing we will never be as we were before. it's detrimental to my well being and driving me insane. so when I told you that I had to take some time away from you and had to stop talking to you for an undeterminable amount of time I knew you wouldn't be thrilled. but for you to be angry really hurt my feelings. I expected you to at least try and be understanding of my situation. I love you and you don't feel that way about me anymore so I can't hide my feelings everytime I'm around you just so you can have your cake and eat it too. if you were a true friend you would respect the necessary measures I have to take for me to be okay instead of being rude, mean and turning around and playing the victim. but I suppose I should stop being surprised at you disappointing me. all the best Current Mood: apathetic Current Music: jeezyy =) (Comment on this)
blurtysecret [ chopxsuey ]	5:30p	the first picture was taken in april when i group of kids from my school went down together to help clean up. we're going back this february and by the looks of it, there is going to be a lot more work to be done this time around... i'm really worried about new orleans =/ (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, September 1st, 2008
blurtysecret [ unodosthrice ]	1:21p	I don't want to meet your family. Because I'm scared... Him and his family are Spanish and I'm white. It's not that I'm afraid they won't accept me, because his Aunt already married a white dude. The thing that is freaking me out is that I'm afraid they will speak in Spanish around me. I don't know Spanish...and it makes me uncomfortable because I don't know what they're saying. What if they're talking about me and what they think of me? I'm being paranoid aren't I? Current Mood: restless (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 27th, 2008
unsent [ xyour_suicidex ]	9:20p	Dear A, I know i laughed when we fell for the same guy, but it's. not. funny. I'm pissed he picked you. I'm pissed no one wants me. - your best friend. or whatever. Dear Miss Mora, I wonder if you know you are the cause for my anxiety attack tonight. Okay, maybe that's not fair. I forgot my book. I need to take responsibility. But if i think about having to tell you tomorrow I don't have my homework, i will throw up. Coming back to this school was the worst idea I've ever had. I hate this. Love, everyone's favorite student, drea. (Comment on this)
unsent [ xyour_suicidex ]	9:20p	DEAR JAUSH YOU FUCKING WA. WHY ARE YOU SO GODDAMN OBLIVIOUS? OR MAYBE YOU'RE JUST SELF CENTERED. Fuck you. Fuck Kat Varone. Have fun with your new best friend. Don't think of this as jealousy, think of it as rejection, okay? Love, your old best friend. PS. Guess staying best friends at different schools was a load of shit, wasn't it? (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 26th, 2008
blurtysecret [ pst_ur_old_newz ]	8:51p	My bestfriend just passed away last night from heart failure...19 years old...never smoked or drank. It shouldn't have happened. Not him..He was going somewhere, he was gonna be someone. I still can't believe its true. If anyone deserved to live a long happy life it was him. Im sorry for the request but im looking for some songs for this type of situation?..Anything is greatly appreciated. (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 24th, 2008
unsent [ beautyandthorns ]	11:54p	Dear Asshat that I hate to love, For 6 years, you didn't have the balls to make a move. Hell, you barely got up the courage to tell me that you felt more than friendship. Maybe I was intimidating. But how intimidating can a 100-pound 15-year-old girl be? I grew out of my shyness, and once things started, I had no problem telling you how I felt. Once I knew what I wanted, I was not shy about making the first move, or making suggestive comments that I knew would hit home. Until suddenly, you weren't my old friend who loved me anymore, and you very swiftly made the jump to asshole guy just like every other who'd lied to and cheated on me. Then I wasn't shy either. I was forcefully distance. I made myself pull away from you, I spent time convincing myself that I was wrong, that I didn't really want you. Made the effort to regress to other boys, daydreaming about other men in an attempt to box away my feelings about you. And I was fine, really I was. I was fine until the very second we were within close proximity of each other. We talked as friends right up to the moment you looked at me and we had that spark. As always. For 6 years, you and I were both able to ignore and even deny the connection we had, the impossible attraction that wouldn't go away. And now, somehow, when it's the most amount of wrong attraction can be, you won't stop looking at me, and I can't ignore it anymore. You said and did nothing to move past friendship for 6 years, and now that you know I have feelings for you despite, not because of, who you are, you can't manage any amount of control. Despite the fact that you're the douchebag who keeps happening to me, and you know it, and don't seem to care.I can avoid your glances, keep my inappropriate tongue in cheek (with a multitude of meanings), turn my head when you hold my gaze, resist touch and close quarters. Yet, somehow, you persist, despite every inclination you have that reminds you how horrible you are for me. How did two people who used to be perfect for each other become entirely different people? How does a best and gallant guy friend become the next guy to screw me over? Without even blinking, you did it- you became the person we both hate. And I never wanted to hate you, no matter how our relationship worked out, because our friendship was always most important to me. I wish you would figure your ish out and return to the person I love, because I miss you. I even miss you as my best friend, because this pseudo-genuine version of him is not working for me. You should get on that so I can work on forgiving you. Right now, I can't. Love always, Your most recent debacle Current Mood: nostalgic (Comment on this)
blurtysecret [ xflipp3floppx ]	11:34p	guys and highschool two most confusing things in my life; guys and high school. Secret: Basically ive been crushing on this kid that i've been really good friends with really hard since second grade, no matter how hard i tried to stay away he'd always end up in one of my classes, on my bus, in a club, anywhere, everywhere all through elementry middle and highschool. its senior year now, and i want to do something, i need to do something. WHAT DO I DO?! many complications come along with each action that'd i'd take. Considering his girlfriend of a couple months heading to college, friends of group and i honestly dont know what do to! im also petrified of rejection. help? (3 Comments |Comment on this)