mystik   
04:44pm 10/11/2003
 
mood: numb
music: Crowhead: Fire eye
hello,

okay so as if Darklord dumping me wasnt enough... mystik, my prize celtic fold cat is sick with something. I don't know what it is. he just keeps wretching everywhere. like i do when i go out and see people - only metaphorically. i hope he doesnt have cat illtemper. oh and of course my boss isnt going to give me like time off or help pay to treat mystik or anything. i have to wait until the weekend or something to bring him to the vet and i have no idea how i'll pay for that. ugh... maybe i'll have to just get my mom to do it. she'll probably bitch me out as usual about something and i'll probably yell at her. she doesn't know about Darklord yet and its a good thing i didnt' tell her about him. she would bitch at me 'bout that too. she just wont not leave me alone. i made a couple of sales today. maybe i can ask for some kind of bonus or raise to take care of mystik. bleh. whatever.
 
     

(gouge out my heart)

 
. . . ~ . . . -:- . but she's a woman, too . . . ~ . . . -:-   
04:20pm 09/11/2003
 
mood: confused
music: eric horner.[[she is a hero]]
so i've been trying to figure out why darklord dumped me--that's right, ladies and gentlemen, my fiance broke off our engagement. SIGH.

today would have been our first meeting, but no. he was going to fly in today. but no. finally, to meet this man, with whom i believed i had a profound spiritual connection (he was going to instruct me in the ways of hellenic--specifically, dianic--wicca)...............has decided that it is not meant tobe.

how's this for cryptic?

"DEAR ELWYN,
YOU KNOW MY LOVE FOR YOU WILL ALWAYS BURN WITH THE INTENSITY OF THE ETERNAL FLAMES OF THE GODS AND GODDESSES AND EXTRAPLANAR FORCES BUT, ALAS, OUR EARTHLY UNION IS NOT MEANT TO BE. NOT NOW. PERHAPS ... NOT EVER. I KNOW YOU LOVE ME. I LOVE YOU TOO. BUT I WILL NOT BE FLYING IN TOMORROW. DO NOT CRY LONG, MY DARK DOVE, FOR SOMEONE ELSE WILL COME ALONG AND LEAD YOU DOWN YOUR PATH: THE *RIGHT* PATH. I KNOW YOU WILL BE TEMPTED TO DISCERN MY MOTIVES BUT I WARN YOU AGAINST THIS PATH OF FORBIDDEN KNOWLEDGE. LITTLE BIRD, THERE ARE SOME THINGS YOU ARE NOT MEANT TO KNOW IN THIS LIFE.
BLESSED BE,
DARKLOARD"

that's c&p directly from his last e-mail to me. why doesn't anything ever go my way? just when i was getting over dolve and thought i'd found the man with whom i could spend the rest of this torturous mortal life, he has to break my heart in this callous manner. i hate men.



so i've been looking up people who've appeared on my fiance EX-FIANCE's buddy list (we used to share the same sn) to see if they know..........but they all claim not to know him. why must this of all mysteries happen to em now? there's no one to help me in my hour of greatest need.















SIGH.
 
     

(2 oozing wounds | gouge out my heart)

 
*puppy eyes* will you be my friend?   
12:15am 09/11/2003
 
mood: crushed
music: tapping the vein.[[hurricane]]
oooooooh...it's been a while, non? oui, it has been.

well, i found out my uncle dean doesn't want to pay for me to go to school anywhere but MONTANA. there is no justice in this world of ours, poetic or otherwise.

SIGH.

i do NOT want to go to school in this shit-hole state. i want to be where it's rainy and dark and there are others like me...other souls flickering feebly in the waning lights of our fancy, only to be revived with contact with others like ourselves!!!










i guess i'm a little verbose.






shit, i need to get some fucking friends on this thing.



will you be my victim friend?
 
     

(gouge out my heart)

 
b r i d g e s ?   
05:39pm 01/10/2003
 
mood: quixotic
music: slipknot.[wait and bleed]
sigh.

i think the sky gets bigger every time i look up.

and i'm just getting farther and farther away...from the sky. from him.
not "farther" in terms of distance; that would be impossibly easy. farther in terms of "he's jack-hammering an enormous chasm into my heart and the psychological distance may never be bridged."



...



but that doesn't mean i won't keep my construction hat on.


i've got to keep trying.



for his sake as well as mine.
 
     

(gouge out my heart)

 
another empty night on the plains   
09:26pm 25/09/2003
 
mood: dead
music: evanescence.[my immortal]
it's so still.

i can hear my heart beat, and i have myself convinced i can hear his too...out there, somewhere.

maybe he'll come back, my dark cowboy.

i should channel my feelings into a story and post it here.

as long as i'm going to have this new time-suck i may as well use it to (try) to make sense of this void called existence.
 
     

(2 oozing wounds | gouge out my heart)