02:40pm 09/05/2004
  oh, and i updated my e-mail address so now blurty will email me comments.  
     

(3 oozing wounds | gouge out my heart)

 
"..............it's going to be better tomorrow..............."   
02:31pm 09/05/2004
 
mood: pissed off
music: korn.[[falling away from me]]
sigh. lonely lonely lonely. mystik's at the vet's for observation (something about a bowl obstruction), no one's around, and i can't get aim to work. SUCKS TO BE ME.

and i can't write anything because i have writer's block. where has my erotic muse gone, anyway? i guess the lack of romance/sex in my life is affecting my writing. huh. you'd think that would stimulate the creative juices, but i guess it's just the opposite.

oh, and i gained six pounds. peach-e.
 
     

(1 oozing wound | gouge out my heart)

 
-:- pokes head in door; looks around -:-   
08:58pm 18/04/2004
 
mood: blah
music: the buzzing of my tired brain
whoa-ho. looks like it's been a while since i've been around here.

sure wish that meant i'd grown a life recently, but that does not appear to be the case. no, i've mostly been sitting my unemployed ass around MOM's house (die die die diediedie...) feeling sorry formyself and getting yelled at for not taking out the &*%^#$ing garbage. ?! i'm a grown womyn; i REALLY DON'T need mommy telling me what to do and when. i tell you, when the law of threes catches up with that womAn... -:-shakes head sadly-:-

anyway. uncle dean finally prevailed 'pon me to~gag~apply to carroll. you don't even know how much this upsets me. well, maybe if you've heard one of my scorching anti-catholic rants, you'd have a clue. but he does have a point. it is about time to fully realize my potential, and i'm not going to do that by sitting up playing neopets till eight every morning, tehn sleeping till four. so school it is. sent in my app some time ago. but i'm sure i'll get in. it's carroll; what are they going to do? reject me?

havent' seen much of dolve recently, and frankly, that's fine. morgann told me (over aim) that he put in an appearance at his (morgann's) and lizzy's engagement party in coeur d'alene a couple weeks ago. wtf. they were so totally my friends first~shit, if it weren't for morgann and lizzy (or should i say lordwolyf and lady riverwylde) i wouldn't even be wiccan today. or if i were, i'd be some sad-ass open-diary-having lame-o who's only in it for the fashion. boo. so it pisses me off that i had to miss their engagement party and that lump of offal managed to go. i'm surprised he was able to get off work...........and i wish i'd asked morgann where dolve stayed in idaho. man that cheeses me off. he'd better not have been with tricia. i'd kill 'em both, i tell you............(maybe i'm a lil' more jealous than i thought.......i don't want him, but i don't want anyone else [especially tricia] to have him eitehr!!)

mystik is fine. hairballs, still, but not so bad. i love my kitty. so much better than a boyfriend.

speaking of 'boys' and 'friends' i need to get out and make some damn friends. i guess i'll meet people when i start at carroll, but that wont' be till fall or something. hmm.......i should really utilize witchvox or that other thing i signed up for or the blurty personal so rsomething.




blaaah. this is boring.


and i'm pissed that no one commented on my erotica. i worked really hard on that.
 
     

(4 oozing wounds | gouge out my heart)

 
writing again, finally   
10:15pm 14/03/2004
 
mood: honry
music: black sabbath
this is what i’ve always wanted to have happen to me... )
 
     

(2 oozing wounds | gouge out my heart)

 
   
09:34pm 14/02/2004
 
mood: excited
music: shania twain.[[man i feel like a woman]]
http://www.witchvox.com

And myspace.com are the COOLEST WEB SITES EVER.

This girl from livejournal, http://www.livejournal.com/users/ladycatryn, recommended them to me. whee! maybe i'll find someone to live with in seattle thru witchvox.

rad!

and maybe thru myspace i'll finally find some guys who are a little more wicca-pos and fat-pos than i've found around here. that would rock. and you know what? i don't think i'll get an lj. they used to require access codes but now they don't; blurty never did, and i'm going to be loyal.

man, i sure hope i find someone soon...gotta rub SOMEONE in dolve's fat face after he ditches me on valentine's day (I KNOW!!!) for that one bitch. grrr. yeah...dolve always acts like he's all "open-minded" and shit about The Craft, but the only way he's wiccan is that he plays a bunch of magic cards...YEAH. RIGHT. (loser.)

oh well. nothing's gonna spoil my mood now.



nothin'.
 
     

(gouge out my heart)

 
   
01:22pm 01/02/2004
  I quit my job at Cutco.

I hope I can find another job soon.

I can't believe it came to this.
 
     

(gouge out my heart)

 
omg   
07:13pm 24/01/2004
 
mood: shocked
music: evanescence.[[bring me to life]]
let's not even talk about dolve.

let's talk about how his friend mark asked me to be his...........................i can't believe i'm about to type this......







"fuck buddy."






what. the FUCK?!

so i was hanging around outside taco john's in the town where mark lives (d and i were visiting him) while dolve was out doing some dolve thing he (mark) kinda strikes up a conversation with me about his friends andi and tulane and how they're not "going out" exactly but just........................having casual commitment-free sex. and then, SERIOUSLY, he starts talking about how glad he is that dolve is so "OPEN MINDED" and...................offers to buy me potatoe olays if i agree to be his sporadic. fuck. buddy.

you don't even know how gross mark is. i almost vomited up my sprite. then d came back and i told him what mark said and instead of punching him or dragging me away in an indignant huff he just sort of blinked. ugg.

anyway. so that sucked. stupid weekend.
 
     

(gouge out my heart)

 
   
11:24am 18/01/2004
  Oh man. I swallowed hand lotion (don't make fun; i was out of chapstick and i was a little on the drunken side and my lips were chapped like hardcore from the bitch-ass montana january weather) and now i don't feel so good.

stupid non-organic dolve handlotion (oh yeah; i'm at dolves.) (!!!) my handlotion is strictly healthy and made of herbs, so if i put some of it on my drunken chapped lips it wouldn't make me feel like i swallowed a gallon of soap. shiiit.

anyway. more about dolve later. i just wanted to bitch about the handlotion adventure.
 
     

(gouge out my heart)

 
   
01:04pm 09/01/2004
 
mood: crushed
music: korn.[[falling away from me]]
idk how much longer i can stay with cutco. it's just..........i............haven't felt like i belong in the world of cutlery for a while. when i started it was like i'd found it; my career. knives are important to me--mostly for their rich religious symbolism--and i wanted to spread that. starting out in montana, maybe changing a few minds about wicca and cutlery in general, and as i moved up the old "corporate ladder" i could eventually make my escape to seattle or vancouver or san francisco or ireland. someplace elwyn really belongs. but now.......the thrill is diminishing.

maybe it's because i haven't made a sale since, idk, september?







sigh.









SIGH.



oh, and dolve: if you're reading this, you should come crawling back and get your stupid fucking cow-head belt buckle. you left it here last time.

you bastard.
 
     

(gouge out my heart)

 
never again   
09:59pm 01/01/2004
 
mood: groggy
music: uuuggghhh.... noises
okay, as some of you may have guessed from my previous posting i was pretty far gone last night. well, not so much at that point. at the time of the listing i was pretty much just playing around with it... i hadn't really had anything (like 1 and half beers or so) since i was waiting for Dolve to come so we could breakout the champagne. btw... why the crap was i making so many stupid jokes on that last posting? i must have found their stupidity hilarious or something. i remember doing it and laughing but it was more for the sake of laughter than it actually being funny. anyhow, so that bitch Dolve calls at like 1 or so... not too long after i made that last post. he calls to say that he's tired and going to bed so he can't show up. then he wishes me a happy new year! what the crap?! i mean he was obviously up anyways. he was suppposed to be there before midnight. he was out somewhere else i know it. i mean, not that we're officially going out or anything but i mean i was nice enough to invite him he should at least respond properly. i even got the Natural Light beer that he likes so much. (it was on sale or something but who cares? the point is i thought of him.) anyhow, after that phone call i hit that Natural Light hard just to spite him. the result of course is that he's probably doing fine now and I have a hangover. not so much now. i'm okay, but my head still hurts a little bit. Dolve that bastard. your beer tastes terrible too. Bite me, love Elwyn.
 
     

(gouge out my heart)

 
HAPPY NEW 2004!   
12:34am 01/01/2004
 
mood: jubilant
music: "1999" By the BeeGees
Whooooaaoa! Mystik and I are having a marvelllllous time here in my apartament. (Wheeee hee hee "apartament"!) Dolve should be coming soon the dear. I have plenty of things for him to help me with. I have the Jamaican Rum and the Whitehorse Whiskey (and the Brownmule Brewsky!) Goodness. I think I'm tipsy already. Mystik stop dancing around like that wheeee!!!!
 
     

(gouge out my heart)

 
it's been a while   
02:03pm 22/12/2003
 
mood: drained
music: arcana's "Last embrace" album
Whoa, it has been a long time since i've written in this thing. the holidays made me really busy i guess. I HAVE NO IDEA OF WHAT TO GET PEOPLE!!! i mean with some people its really easy. like i can always get another tabasco tie for dad and dolve will probably not-so-subtlely tell me exactly what he wants. but i don't even know if want to get my mom a present and my little cousin is so non-descript that i guess... a car? kids still like toy cars right? i don't know. maybe i could make something for them... i don't know maybe put all those stupid hortaculture classes i took in hs to practicing use. i know mystik is dying for one of those catnip filled toys 'YES YOU ARE!'. i wish there were like people nip filled toys. those would rock. what would peoplenip be made out of do you think? cologne? poutpourri? apparently not too many people want christmas knives (except maybe dolve) so its not like i'm making a lot more money than i usually do. it takes a certain kind of person to buy a knife during the holidays. i only wish they all lived together in a community so i didn't have to walk all over town trying to find them. Well... i should clean this place up a little bit. i'll try to keep in better touch with my internet peeps1 i'll write in le journeaux more often.

Adieu
 
     

(gouge out my heart)

 
i can't believe i forgot:   
01:24pm 22/12/2003
 
mood: accomplished
music: bigod 20.[[Swallow Me]]
oh yeah. and i turned 20 a week ago. to think my golden birthday was five years ago.

my how time flies.
 
     

(gouge out my heart)

 
T-day   
09:53pm 27/11/2003
 
mood: chipper
music: bha sneachda Na chuibrig, the snow was like a coverlet
well, first I'd like to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving!!

Whee! As you probably guessed, i spent T-day with my folks. they were pretty well behaved. mom only told me to 'dress appropiately' and i even obliged her with that. (i didn't even wear black! i wore this somewhat boring conservative brown skirt with a blouse that was... oh wait i guess i did wear some black b/c the blouse was black. still it was 'appropiate'.) they kept the embarrassing stuff to themselves. nobody asked when i was going back to school or anything (except grandma, but she's been kept in the dark about everything so it wasn't intentionally embarrassing.) so yeah. it was okay. good turkey. it was some free-range organic non-usual species turkey thing my dad got into. he had this whole long like hour long thing about the history of turkeys and then that somehow turned us onto Turkey, country.... such a dad thing to do. then dolve and i hung out a little bit. apparently he's really into this advanced dungeons and dragons 3rd edition kind of thing but different and sometimes in space. he wants us to play it some time which i guess is cool. I never really minded playing magic cards with him before as long as he pays at least a little more attention to me than the game. (hey at least it will keep his mind of Baldur's Gate)...
 
     

(gouge out my heart)

 
news   
09:29pm 25/11/2003
 
mood: calm
music: dolve playing castlevania in the next room, lol
mystik seems to be doing better.




and yes, it appears dolve is back in my life. in what capacity? only time will tell, i suppose. i have my fingers crossed that this time the dark cowboy is back for good...if what he's interested in is resuming our romantic relationship. i think i'm up for that. i'm kinda starting to see that darklord wasn't meant for me; after all, he types all in caps. ::rolls eyes:: i think i need someone a little more sophisticated.

sigh. dolve's gained some weight, though. but he'll allways be cute in a ten-gallon hat...better stop right there or i'll reveal myself as a country girl. CANT HAVE THAT!



anyway. uncle dean is really pushing carroll c; i say SCREW THAT. who wants to be educated by CATH-LICKS anyway? they'd probably just persecute me for my beliefs and i'd end up burnt on the stake of intellectual discrimination. gotta get out of here, gotta get out of here...

hm, random tongiht.
 
     

(gouge out my heart)

 
. . . s u r p r i z e s . . .   
06:09pm 24/11/2003
 
mood: shocked
music: bella morte.[[relics]]
i think--


i think--

dolve might be back in my life.



we shall see what comes of htis, n'est-ce pas?
 
     

(gouge out my heart)

 
reviving Mystik   
10:11pm 17/11/2003
 
mood: bitchy
music: [[Wytches]] by Inkubus Sukkubus
Well Mystik doesnt have cat distemper. so hooray. she just has some kind of bug according to the vet. i have to give her this medicine or something. i knew she wasnt interested so i didnt tell her but i think my healing aura helped mystik get better too. still.... i'll keep giving mystik the medication. i'm not that confident in my powers yet. UGH! if DarkLord had only fulfilled his promise and come her and teach me that stuff he was talking about then maybe i would be more confident in my powers but nooo. oh well. at least mystik is okay. i heard theres this one wicca teacher in seattle that teaches people to understand animals. im suspicious because she charges money but i guess that can just be to keep people away from her door. otherwise tons of people would be coming and asking her to teach them. dammit, the sooner i move the better. oh, and mom is trying to patch things up again. she sent me this comfortor. its pretty but i'm still standing my ground. dad... dad just doesnt care i think. i saw this cute boy during work today. i think i'll be trying to sell many knives in his area... tee hee. i think he saw me but hes probably shy. i should try to find some shyness dispelling spell.
 
     

(gouge out my heart)

 
...   
07:48pm 12/11/2003
 
mood: indescribable
music: system of a down.[[forest]]
mystik just through up again.






...
 
     

(gouge out my heart)

 
up late update   
01:19am 12/11/2003
 
mood: apathetic
music: inkubus sukkubus - beast w/ two backs
oh its you again...

yeah its another one of those sleepless nights... which sux b/c i have 2 work tomorrow. quite horrible. well, i guess i'll have to delay my shadowy escape from this town for a long while. it seems that given current income with set expeditures, etc. etc. I'll be barely making enough to buy a ticket out of here (to seattle probably) within a year... and that would just be a preliminary visit to find a job and a place to live there. Plus.... I would have to take up my vacation doing that. to pay for my actual move will take like 3 more years after that... maybe i should just join the army or something. maybe i could be a wiccan army chaplain. i heard they just had to make those available. i'm sure there are wiccans in Iraq who could use my services. i think i remember my mom saying she had some friend who was related or knew jessica lynch somehow. may be she could hook me up.... not likely though... and ugh... again that would mean communication with mon mere. she actually called me tonight. 'just to check up on me' pfft. i think she is trying to get me to go back home. she doesnt understand im not going to go back while she doesnt accept my beliefs esp. after she kicked me out in the first place. ce la vie I guess.
 
     

(gouge out my heart)

 
discrimination?   
08:24pm 10/11/2003
 
mood: melancholy
music: korn.[[falling away from me]]
i don't think my boss really liked my idea. : ( it was to ahve cutco introduce a new line of ritual/sacred knives and daggers and athames and stuff that would appeal to the wiccan/neopagan community...there are a lot of us you know, and i think it would bring in a lot of money. but he just sort of looked at me and didn't say anything.

...i have an appointment tomorrow with this lady mom works with. we'll see how that goes. the way mom describes her, and because of her last name, i think she might be the mother of this bitch i went to hs with. would not htat be JOLLY.

mystik's doing a little better, btw. i think.
 
     

(gouge out my heart)