The Black Rose's Journal
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Monday, February 16, 2004
10:50AM - wasted
FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK
I never knew perfection existed. Maybe because Ive never encountered it, let alone ever come close to it.
Current mood: don't recognize myself anymore
Current music: The Cure over and over again.
10:36AM - I will never make it better, it will always hurt you fucking asshole
God DAMMIT!!! She will never fucking know. She will never know how this fucking feels. Maybe she did at one time, I don't know but not exactly like this. And it took her a lot shorter time to get over it. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. She's so fucking in love with her, and all my chances are fucking gone. So why can't I accpet it. What the fuck is wrong with me. I just want to fucking die knowing this. I was nothing like what she has now, and I never will be. She will never want me again, and if she did, I would always be fucking second best. She will always be the fucking best. Why do I even want her. She's so fucking condescending to me, she makes me feel so fucking stupid, she makes me feel like a child, and she always acts as if she knows more than me and is way fucking smarter and wise beyond her years and shit. But I wouldnt care about all that if she could just be mine. If she knew the fucking torture that it put me through would she ever change her mind? To know how devoted to her I am. And I try to just get over it, but she runs through my veins. She is in me. I can't see myself with anyone else and I can't get over it because I can't get over her. But I will never be what she wants now that she's had perfection. I don't want my soul to be tortured forever but I am beginning to wish I never had a taste of her, so I wouldn't feel so fucking cursed. Everything is different now. She used to say she could see us together in the future, but I'm sure that went out the window along with everything else. Does she want to throw away our memories? If there are no memories then there is nothing left. that means there is no us left because we are gone. I feel like the worst fucking failure. I know I don't live for her but I feel like I need her love sometimes and I hate it. I'm tired of being the heart broken girl. Why does she get heaven when she did this to me? I hate how I feel. Why am I so fucking bitter? It's not like me at all, I feel like Ive been possessed. And I always have tears. whenever I read it my stomach turns all over again and my eyes blurr. I'm not happy. I want her. I want her soooo much. Not because I lost her, but I fucking fell in love with her, and I hate that she thought it was too late. Too fucking late because she found someone better. I knew she would, I was so afraid. I gave in to her. GRRR. I'm going fucking crazy. She couldnt have been going crazy like this, she was just sad right? My fucking soul is sadness. I always thought she was my someone. I was afriad of love, and now I'm fucking terrified. It's nobodys fault. Its my own for being fucking stupid. Its my own for not being able to fall out of love with her. Its my fault for falling in love with her. This wouldnt hurt so much if I didn't. And it wouldnt be a big deal to her because later on she would have found her someone that makes it all worthwhile and would forget about me, because I will never compare. She can't possibly know how I feel, and she wouldn't care because shes happy. I want to mean something, I want to be more than just the fucking whore that stumbled into her life gave her a few fucks and got kicked out. Whores cant fall in love because that is their destruction. The only person I hate for this is myself, I fucking want to die this will never get better.
Current mood: 
indescribable
Current music: Jack Off Jill
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
9:08PM
Does anybody really get this? It's just the feeling. Ya, time passes, and it eases. But theres still those moments. She can't possibly know. It took her a lot less time. But its like, I still dont understand sometimes. I do understand, but sometimes I just dont. I can't help it. I wish this wasn't my nature. I wish I could be the peaceful one who feels like its alright and can just get along. I'm not angry with her for it. Only at times because I get so angry that she isn't with me anymore. She can make my day or ruin it. I just love her. Still. I want to forget. But I can't. Not yet. I wish she just didnt' love her so much though. Because I don't know if she ever loved me like that. I'm not only jealous, but heartbroken. I'm crushed that I couldnt be that and I fucking punish myself for it all the time cuz I feel it was nobody's fault but my own that I wasn't good enough. I dont want to be nothing but mourning, but fuck. I love her. And I still do. And I can't have her. She loves someone else. And she REALLY loves them. How the fuck is it supposed to feel. you can just fucking move on with nothing to it. Ive tried so many times. You can say it to yourself. I have to go. fucking A. Finals tomorrow. At least I don't have to see her that much.
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
8:20PM - Gray
A loveless freak of a girl
sulking inside my own darkness
vomiting inside
why wont you come out of me
your so cruel
you just eat me alive
I let you eat me
and I loved it
I should have never tasted your blood
because it feels like poison now
I took you into myself
you gave me no warning
you hold inside
everything that I'm afraid of
how could you do this
we are all unmerciful beings
she said I was a great writer
and her favorite color was always gray
Current music: Stevie Nicks "Crystal"
8:20PM - Gray
A loveless freak of a girl
sulking inside my own darkness
vomiting inside
why wont you come out of me
your so cruel
you just eat me alive
I let you eat me
and I loved it
I should have never tasted your blood
because it feels like poison now
I took you into myself
you gave me no warning
you hold inside
everything that I'm afraid of
how could you do this
we are all unmerciful beings
she said I was a great writer
and her favorite color was always gray
Current music: Stevie Nicks "Crystal"
8:19PM - Gray
A loveless freak of a girl
sulking inside my own darkness
vomiting inside
why wont you come out of me
your so cruel
you just eat me alive
I let you eat me
and I loved it
I should have never tasted your blood
because it feels like poison now
I took you into myself
you gave me no warning
you hold inside
everything that I'm afraid of
how could you do this
we are all unmerciful beings
she said I was a great writer
and her favorite color was always gray
Current music: Stevie Nicks "Crystal"
8:18PM - Gray
A loveless freak of a girl
sulking inside my own darkness
vomiting inside
why wont you come out of me
your so cruel
you just eat me alive
I let you eat me
and I loved it
I should have never tasted your blood
because it feels like poison now
I took you into myself
you gave me no warning
you hold inside
everything that I'm afraid of
how could you do this
we are all unmerciful beings
she said I was a great writer
and her favorite color was always gray
Current music: Stevie Nicks "Crystal"
8:16PM - The whole meaning of Love's Corpse
Trying so hard not to feel like this
but somehow I keep falling in
every now and then I choke
on the peices of my heart you broke
I know you apologized
but I cant help but wonder if you lied
you said you loved me when you cried
worst fears now truth that you denied
because I remember
when you said never...
my tragic rhymes
reach down deep
never let them pass my teeth
as the tears rolled down my cheeks
living on fresh paper and ink
I'm still in your grip
I try to forget your lips
the curves of your hips
and the bed that remembers all of it
the one that you almost threw away
a metaphor of today
does this entertain your mind
does it bring back better times
do you remember what it was like
when we couldnt look away from eachothers eyes
I remember when I didn't cry myself to sleep at night
I pray for better days when I dont bleed myself dry
my scars wont fade with this feeling that takes time
all of it is on my hands and all I ask is why
the cocky moon parades its beauty in the black night sky
such an ambiguous sight
but all I see is scattered white
my vision blurred from this drink
and tears and blood collide
they always did say
that blood is thicker than wine
so drink from me my love
while my mortal body dies
this white cement is my canvas
and my painting is my life
its redness reveals a picture
that will eternally stain your eyes
such a sucker for a kind word
well what do words mean now
I lay myself upon my grave
my show is over, I take my bow
I have been known to put on a show
I hope I gave you the best
my life source means nothing out of my body
and on this corpse of a breast
Current music: AFI "Leaving Spng Part II"
8:15PM - The whole meaning of Love's Corpse
Trying so hard not to feel like this
but somehow I keep falling in
every now and then I choke
on the peices of my heart you broke
I know you apologized
but I cant help but wonder if you lied
you said you loved me when you cried
worst fears now truth that you denied
because I remember
when you said never...
my tragic rhymes
reach down deep
never let them pass my teeth
as the tears rolled down my cheeks
living on fresh paper and ink
I'm still in your grip
I try to forget your lips
the curves of your hips
and the bed that remembers all of it
the one that you almost threw away
a metaphor of today
does this entertain your mind
does it bring back better times
do you remember what it was like
when we couldnt look away from eachothers eyes
I remember when I didn't cry myself to sleep at night
I pray for better days when I dont bleed myself dry
my scars wont fade with this feeling that takes time
all of it is on my hands and all I ask is why
the cocky moon parades its beauty in the black night sky
such an ambiguous sight
but all I see is scattered white
my vision blurred from this drink
and tears and blood collide
they always did say
that blood is thicker than wine
so drink from me my love
while my mortal body dies
this white cement is my canvas
and my painting is my life
its redness reveals a picture
that will eternally stain your eyes
such a sucker for a kind word
well what do words mean now
I lay myself upon my grave
my show is over, I take my bow
I have been known to put on a show
I hope I gave you the best
my life source means nothing out of my body
and on this corpse of a breast
Current music: AFI "Leaving Spng Part II"
8:11PM - Perfume
Your the plague
that infects my mind
I know you will kill me
have I already died?
I have nothing left
youve sucked me dry
theres no blood in my veins
but I'm still alive
my dirty hands and wounded wrists
fucked up minds and guilty lips
razorblades and constant "what ifs"
tear stained cheeks and dishonest bliss (FUCK THIS!!!)
your my noose that doesn't give
the reason I didn't want to live
blinded by a false love
you reek of my death
kissing me softly
while you steal my last breath
I love your homicidal way
and your everything I hate
your perfume is my decay
Current music: Injected "Faithless"
8:04PM - someday you will find me caught beneath the landslide
you're falling so hard
your fallen angel
correct my spelling
you write of her eyes
correct my soul
and my opinion
you talk about her
the age old scripture
correct the way i am
your not my teacher
but ive learned so much from you
intentional and accidental
its crazy
you never wanted to be put in such a place
as you are
as she was
caught between my pen
and the tear soaked paper
coming to peices
in my hands
in my heart
in this body that barely stays collected
your words like no other
your words
i dont make sense
to you
or many others
i just wanted you to understand
why you dont understand
and be okay
and not be scolded by your back
its over again
no more beginnings for me i said
i dont want to dig through this pile of trash
to find myself at the bottom
and the one for me
savor every moment
for it could be your last
ill savor you again
while i put away the past
and walk on
head hung
i knew that feeling gorgeous
couldnt possibly last that long
Current mood: im not always depressed
Current music: Oasis "Champagne Supernova"
7:52PM - I'm losing my favorite game..
Do you even fucking care
as I'm falling apart
and pulling out my hair
I slam my head against the wall
"its better to have loved and lost
then never loved at all"
who the hell made up that phrase
why can't I see through this haze
its so loud
I never get peace
I hate myself
fucking help me please
I'm so fucking desperate
to get out of this
and I'm so desperate for you
but I want to get out
as much as I want you
just as much as you think about her
and I'm still suffering
what the fuck is wrong with me
I can't be happy
when will I be happy
fuck it
fuck love
I'll write it in blood
like a have a thousand times before
cut and bleed and then get sore
I hate my reflection
I hate to see
what I can never fucking be
FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK MMMMMMMMEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Current mood: captain jack sparrow
Current music: Thrice "To What End"
Sunday, December 28, 2003
10:31PM - This is me with the words on the tip of my tongue, and my eye through the scope of a barrel of a gun
Hey. Well I'm leaving tomorrow at 4 in the fucking morning woo hoo! I'm not leaving with the best attitude ever, but things will be different tomorrow. Perhaps I can make myself forget for a while. It's good to leave everything behind because I sure have no problem with that right now.
Krystal and I made up. Were gonna do something as soon as I get back.
So now I have to do that whole thing where I'm leaving on a trip so if I never come back or if I die, I just have to tell everyone I love them so I don't feel incomplete.
I was gonna say that to Kayla, but that would be sort of awkward, and I always fuck things up anyways. I still always love her in the end, and I wanted to touch her, I wanted to hug her, but she's touched someone else in a way that just crushes me inside, and I'm not ready to deal with that yet. Not yet. Not even if I can't stop this bad habit of mine that I said I quit. I just can't deal with things right. So she loved her. Ok. But....that part.....I don't know, its nothing something I can easily explain, and not something I'm allowed to explain. I can only tell the truth and say that I hate it, and I feel like it finally did hit the bottom, and theres nothing else to hurt me, so I can only go up from here I guess. I was afriad for her loving her, and it happened. And the blow. Then I was afriad of this, and it happened. This one....is a bit hard. But I have to deal right. Theres nothing else for me to fear, theyve already reached all the steps. This one was the big one for me though, it was a big part of me and her. I never had a problem with it, that wasn't all we were, but apparently thats what she thought. I'm not making sense, and need to go to sleep. I'm sorry.
Current mood: 
blah
Current music: Taking Back Sunday "Timberwolves at New Jersey"
10:21PM - Dance to a different beat
Tonight I opened up
my box full of memories
and got to smell the scent
of your skin and hair again
warm and soft
freshly showered
it was like I was there again
on your couch
the morning after
and I was allowed to touch you
and not wish I could be talking to you right now
not write you indirect letters
I remember the way you looked that morning
one of the memories I forgot that I held on to
why was it that one
because it was so perfect
every detail
the way you walked into the room
jealous of the towel wrapped around your body so tightly
it was pink
your hair was brown
and smelling so sweetly of that conditioner
the smell permeated off your body
it was just...good
I was almost afraid to touch you
being dirty little me
and you being so perfectly clean
it was almost an angelic innocence
although I would hardly compare you to an angel
though your sweetness and heart comes close
I could lie with you forever with that smell
and the way you looked at me
and the sun beamed through the blinds
and filled the room with white
I was so happy to be there
it was so refreshing
waking up by your side
on that morning
even when you weren't clean
a different smell
but one I loved all the same
YOUR smell
no, not the lingering smell of weed on your shirt
the smell of YOU
the smell of your skin
I remember when you left your shirt
and I slept with it all night
fell asleep to your smell
the substitute of you being by my side
smell is such a strong trigger of memory
I remember doing nothing but lying
just lying all day
and smelling you
I know it sounds weird..
but it was great
I remember inching closer and closer to you
until there was no space between us
but it still never felt close enough
I remember when we used to be big dorks
with our own little secrets we werent ready to tell eachother yet
but it was so fucking obvious
only I could be that blind
I mean, come on
rolling around on your bed
all over eachother
what am I stupid?
ya, but you liked that
you said I made you laugh
mmmm
that summer with you was so good...
I choke on my nostalgia every time I go back to it
too much happened,
it would have to be a whole different entry in itself
a whole fucking book
to capture everything
hhmmm...
we broke in my car
I miss her so much.....
even if we took away all the sex
and that was a lot of sex
just everything was great
I loved it all
I just never told you enough
why was I so fucking quiet
maybe because everything i say comes out so stupid
and it would totally ruin the meaning of the moment
because I couldnt describe the feeling in words
I knew this is the kind of thing
I would remember the rest of my life
I remember the morning after that one party
whichever one that was
I stepped outside, it was a nice morning
and my face didnt' hurt anymore
you opened the door and asked me what I was doing
as I was sitting on the wooden thingy
looking around
just taking the morning into my lungs
and how great I felt
but one thing I remember
unless I heard you wrong
was that you called me "baby"
and it was strange
but I liked it
I really liked it because you never seemed like the type
to call someone "baby"
so it had really special meaning
god theres so many things i never told you
to add to my list of regrets
maybe I'll get to tell you some day
oh god, I hope so
and I hope I don't screw it up
maybe I should tell you late at night someday
because thats usually the only time I can get shit out right
I always did function better at night
ahem...*smiles*
That song just brings back so many memories of you and me
I never realized it did
until I heard it again
and did that random tear bursting out thingy
wow
music is really powerful too
for memories
it just kinda took me back
to this other memory
of when that song was playing
and you were holding yourself up over me
and singing the song
and I smiled
and then you kissed me
mmmmm
kisses
I can't even get into that
even this one entry is too long
and no one reads this shit
but hey it felt good to remember
I was just taking a shower
and it made me think
of how you used to tell me how soft my skin was
so I used this loofah scrub stuff
because I thought of you
and how I still want to keep it nice
even if you never touch it again
but just in case...
i remember how jealous I got
when you said her name
I think I saw it coming before you did
or maybe I was just paranoid
all I know
is Im a big stupid loser
and can't let go
I don't care what you did
I don't care about that anymore
I just can't let go of YOU
its just too much
too much that comes along with you
you are much to addictive
you are like my heroin
and I'm having the most horrible withdrawals
except, I don't think your bad for me
I can only think about you
how much I want another taste
how I want another fix from you
but I don't mind
because I like loving you
its just how I live
I don't know another way yet
I kind of forgot
forgive me for that
I still watch you...
"I can't explain or understand....I just love you"
Current music: Taking Back Sunday "Timberwolves at New Jersey"
10:12PM - And I bleed, does it make me the same as her...
I bled on your carpet
I bled on my walls
I bled on your sink
answered all of your calls
I'm bleeding from my heart
bleeding from the eyes
because I can't erase
this image in my mind
so fucking kill me
before I kill myself
bleeding in your bathroom
I'll leave my heart on your shelf
blood in your bathtub
the unlocked door
you walk in to find
my corpse on the floor
bleeding my life out
blood on the walls
this time I wont answer
when you call
Current mood: 
crushed
Current music: The Start "Her Song"
Monday, December 22, 2003
10:48PM - I love these
i am: a heartbroken teenage girl obsessed with vampires, confused
i think: about her too much
i know: that she is my death
i want: her to fucking love me
i have: no idea what I'm doing
i wish: she would show up at my door in the pouring rain and kiss me
i hate: that she loves her
i miss: her touch, her kiss, her love
i fear: that I will never get over her
i feel: betrayed, crushed, confused
i hear: my mom talking on the phone, and my cats fighting
i smell: the metallic scent of blood from when I cut a little while earlier, and antibacterial soap
i crave: some fucking food, and her
i search: for my heart, the courage to not be afraid to wake up
i wonder: if she still loves me, if we will ever be together again
i regret: that I didn't tell her I loved her as much as I should have, that I'm stupid
i love: her
i long: for her embrace and to see her smiling face
i care: about her, but she hurts me so bad
i always: get angry that I'm not over this yet, always think about her
i am not: over this yet, obviously
i believe: in karma, in ghosts,
i dance: by myself a lot
i cry: when I look back on memories, theres too many to mention, I cry when I read her entries, randomly
i confuse: the look in her eyes, my emotions, everyone
i listen: to KORN a lot, to people vent their emotions
i do not always: get excited
i am scared: of love
i need: to get closure, fill this out when I have something else on my mind
i am happy about: how far Ive gotten on some levels
i expect: her to call me tonight like she said she would, for humans to be assholes
Current music: The Shins "Caring is Creepy"
10:23PM
Why do I crave the thing that makes me sick
10:05PM
Come to me my queen
live in my darkness
and lose yourself in the black pits of my eyes
I'll let you taste me
as much as you wish
you are mine and I am yours
we are one
with our tangled appendages in the sheets
soaked with our sweat and blood
your eyes are so provoking
green as the deepest emeralds I have seen
so alive and open
your hair
a faded blue
to match my moods
when your not here
let me taste your crimson sweetness again
and let your life run through me
my blanket of blood over your flesh
so strong
just as my love for you lives
just come back to me tonight
let your tongue soak up my sweet release
we can drink from eachother
like creatures of the night
there is no one who could taste so sweet
I only want you running through my body
pierce my flesh
and taste
flesh and blood
sheets and sweat
pure
this is you and me
I promise I would make it all worthwhile
if you just come back
chase away my sadness
so I no longer bleed alone
and I will not bleed for sorrow
but only for you
Sunday, December 21, 2003
10:15AM - Stole this out of someone else's journal, but I love it
I'm An Emotional Idiot
by Maggie Estep
I'm an Emotional Idiot
so get away from me.
I mean,
COME HERE.
Wait, no,
that's too close,
give me some space
it's a big country,
there's plenty of room,
don't sit so close to me.
Hey, where are you?
I haven't seen you in days.
Whadya, having an affair?
Who is she?
Come on,
aren't I enough for you?
God,
You're so cold.
I never know what you're thinking.
You're not very affectionate.
I mean,
you're clinging to me,
DON'T TOUCH ME,
what am I, your fucking cat?
Don't rub me like that.
Don't you have anything better to do
than sit there fawning over me?
Don't you have any interests?
Hobbies?
Sailing Fly fishing
Archeology?
There's an archeology expedition leaving tomorrow
why don't you go?
I'll loan you the money,
my money is your money.
my life is your life
my soul is yours
without you I'm nothing.
Move in with me
we'll get a studio apartment together, save on rent,
well, wait, I mean, a one bedroom,
so we don't get in each other's hair or anything
or, well,
maybe a two bedroom
I'll have my own bedroom,
it's nothing personal
I just need to be alone sometimes,
you do understand,
don't you?
Hey, why are you acting distant?
Where you goin',
was it something I said?
What
What did I do?
I'm an emotional idiot
so get away from me
I mean,
MARRY ME.
Current music: Tonic "When She Says She Loves Me"
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