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mood |
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in very deep thought |
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music |
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none .. I'm trying to think |
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Oh man .. mixed feelings lately. Its like I'm afraid to have fun because my nanny just passed away. But when I have fun I totally forget shes gone, and that shes still at her house, sitting in her chair .. but when it hits me all over again, I just fuckin lose it .. or break down crying. I miss her so much and i dont know what to do. School starts back on monday .. i dont really care anymore about it .. its just like .. ehhhhh. but oh well, fuck it. I dont really know how I feel to be honest. The best way to describe it is numb. I feel numb. I bet, if a person really wanted to .. they could stab me or cut me .. and i wouldnt feel it. The pain of my nanny passing away is greater than any physical pain i could ever feel. I miss her. I think I'm slowly moving back into things though, I've realized its tough not having her here .. but i have support from other people.
Lately i've started hanging out with Hollywood again, things seem to be going as normal as they're going to get. I have something else on my mind .. I had a dream awhile ago, that i was afraid to say outloud, in fear of it coming true .. well I decided to get my dream book out, and i looked it up .. it turns out the so called "nightmare" i had .. was good. I'm going to explain it, because i need to get it off my chest. OK .. well its weird because I'm on a school bus with my friend Kyle .. some other people we know are there, but im not sure who .. and Elisha is there .. so we're basically on a feild trip, I lose my shoes and I'm freaking out over it because they were my favorite ones .. and Kyle is telling me "dude, nicole .. its going to be ok, we'll find them, calm down." and Elisha gets so fed up that I'm worrying about something stupid .. and He looks at me and yells "shut up!" .. in the dream i didnt really seem to care, i just gave him a blank stare, and turned around to kyle and said "what the hell am i going to do?" .. and he was like "i dont know, i dont know .. but it will turn out fine" .. so then Elisha gets this mad look on his face, and starts making out with some chick .. and its weird .. because in the dream im not even worried about it, but kyle is saying "Nicole, did you just see that?! .. arent you going to get pissed and kick her ass?" .. and i just sit there. then i woke up. BUT .. when i looked up the key things that happend in my dream .. it said .. "BUS: Travel on one and you're well on your way to your hearts desire" .. gee lets see, what could that be? Being with Elisha. Second thing: "LOSS: Lose something and unexpected changes are afoot." ..anyway .. thats all i could find for the first dream i had .. but the night before last, i had another weird one ..
It started out, being Ryan, David, Pat, and I .. and we were walking around outside, we wondered up a hill, and at the top of it there was this huge mansion, it was raised about two feet off the ground, the ground was dirt .. the red dusty clumpy kind in gardens, and the suspended mansion was being held up by stilt like things. So we walked up to it, we opened the door, and the inside of it was just like an old abandond wharehouse, but there were folding chairs, and old tables set up everywhere. A whole bunch of people we knew were there, including Elisha (heh .. of course). And then all the sudden i hear from David that there's RC Car races going on under the house (dont ask .. i know its weird), and everybody is on teams of two .. so me and david decide we'll be a team .. everybody has a different color, and we were white. so we had to lay down in the dirt and play with remote control cars basically .. and everybody was taking it so seriously. Anyway I had a talk with Elisha in the dream, and then I woke up ... So today I decided to look up Key things in that dream, and they were: "DIRT: Stepping, sitting, falling, or laying in the dirt means a move is on the cards." Which .. i'm not exactly sure what this means yet, but im trying to figure it out .. then theres:"COLOR: (A whole bunch of colors are listed, but i'll just name what white means) WHITE: Is a sign of success." and then ... "MANSION: A dream of contrary. A Luxury mansion means you will have to accept changes, and not necissarliy like them .. (that wasnt mine) BUT a run down mansion and the coming changes will be for the better."
So yeah .. thats it, and I know thats going to be long, but i had to write it all down. Hollywood was helping me figure out what some of the stuff meant earlier, and i kind of have a feeling it all has to do with Elisha .. Hollywood thinks so too, I'm pretty sure .. But I'm thinking this might be the week something happens for me and Elisha .. who knows. My first day back to school will be tomorrow .. god this is going to be interesting.
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curious
amused
indescribable
calm
worried
awake
thoughtful
hyper
tired