Heartbreaks the new trend </33333's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar] Heartbreaks the new trend </33333 [ website | myspace ] [ userinfo | blurty userinfo ] [ calendar | blurty calendar ]

[01 Jul 2006|04:43am] I'm not good at meeting new people. They always want something. Cigarettes, gas money, a lighter, drugs -- I have nothing to offer these people. Not a smile, not a wink. I've got pills but they're mine. I've got thoughts and dreams, but no one wants to listen. I haven't got a microphone to cry into, nor the drama to report. I haven't got a joural worth reading -- not even a page worth saving. I have nothing on my vest, no bagde of honor on display. No trophy, no plate on my bedroom walls. No family trips to brag about. No selfish habbit to feen upon. I'm not a fucking rodent. I'm not dependant on chemicals or pleasures. I'm not using anyone for anything. I'm not going to pay you to be my fucking friend. I'm not like that. Eat shit and die. Alone. l[ 2 Need me like a bad habbit. ]l Come on just say it..

[16 Jun 2006|01:49am] The stars are gone ; they left with the moon. But the sun is bright, yeah, it's blinding bright. If you stare at it long enough, you'll just see black ; emptiness and nothingness. It's all we really have. Just a few white lies and ticking clocks to pass the day to night. And when the night comes, we lie in bed, awake and uncomfortable. Alone and fucking miserable. Just like the time he stood you up. Remember how you cried for hours? I brought you popcorn and a movie, but you closed the blinds, so i blended in with the moonlight and watched myself disappear. I've been practicing that lately, and it's working quite well.. Come on just say it..

[13 Jun 2006|03:35am] I'm not good at meeting new people. They always want something. Cigarettes, gas money, a lighter, drugs -- I have nothing to offer these people. Not a smile, not a wink. I've got pills but they're mine. I've got thoughts and dreams, but no one wants to listen. I haven't got a microphone to cry into, nor the drama to report. I haven't got a joural worth reading -- not even a page worth saving. I have nothing on my vest, no bagde of honor on display. No trophy, no plate on my bedroom walls. No family trips to brag about. No selfish habbit to feen upon. I'm not a fucking rodent. I'm not dependant on chemicals or pleasures. I'm not using anyone for anything. I'm not going to pay you to be my fucking friend. I'm not like that. Eat shit and die. Alone. Come on just say it..

Post Script. [05 Jun 2006|02:32pm] Things I hate. Badly. o1] Everything. But to narrow it down.. I've made a list. Not an ordered list in any way, but a list. -I hate how I can't drive. I've got lack of experience, too much anxiety to drive without tensing up and barely breathing, parents who don't take me to practice, a beast of a truck I have to learn in, no confedence. I CAN AFFORD A CAR, MOST OF THE INSURANCE, MY PHONE BILL, ETC, BUT I NEED TO TAKE THAT DAMN DRIVERS ED THAT MY MOTHER NEEDS TO CALL ABOUT, BUT HASN'T DONE SO. -I hate this goddamned house when I'm stuck here. I love the BACKYARD, even when it looks like sanford and son. I love the sunrise it offers, the smell, the comfort.. This house is empty & plain. It has nothing to offer but chores. The floors are bare, the walls are white, it needs work done, BUT WE JUST DON'T DO IT. -I hate people. The routine, our favorite places and favorite friends. I hate selfish people. I FUCKING HATE THEM. I'm not saying I'm not selfish. I'm greedy as shit when it comes to somethings/people. But I don't only do things to my benifet. Although, if I don't want to do something, I wont. I won't pay people to hang out with me. I won't hang out with people I don't like just to get from place to place. I don't use people. I'd rather sit at home and rot then become that. -I hate writers block. -I hate complaining and appearing needy/weak with my words, but this is a fucking journal, so fuck you. -I hate crying in front of people. I don't let people see how weak I can really be. -I hate lies, rumors, gossip. -I hate losing friends, breaking hearts, missing people. -I hate distance. -I hate being the way that I am, but I deal with it. -I hate my anxiety, my confidence, my self-esteem, my immune system, my emotional-ness, my writers block.. I feel better now. Now, a piece of shit. I've written words like lies that've misplace broken hearts. I've left them abondoned in wells full of hope, but the walls were built from doubt. The cracks were dark and deserted. No light would ever shine ; not on the hopeless. The broken, the lost.. They're all burried in wells, surviving off dying and decaying wishes. Some, I've planted in the ground but not in caskets. They're waiting for spring. I left them waiting, waiting, waiting. But the rain, it won't fall and impatience will choke their throats. And there are those I've thrown to the sky. I gave them wings and directions to the stars. But their heavy hearts were too much and they fell like water, hitting the ground and that was that. I've written words like lies that've misplace broken hearts. As for mine, it's found it's home, but it still beats for those it lost. It leaves the taste of guilt stong, like liquor. In your blood, in your breath ; it's part of you. Come on just say it..

Another summer vaca. NO SCHOOL BC OF RITA. [08 Oct 2005|01:30pm] MAN, it's been months since I've been on here. On September 22nd we had to evacuate because of Hurricane Rita. We spent one night, after being in the car for 8 hours or so for what's usualy a one hour trip, at my aunts friends house. Then, we traveled an hour or so more to Marksville,la and were going to spend the night in a parking lot, but luckily some volunteer fire fighters asked us to stay at their station. The first night there were 30 people. We were living off of junk food for two days. The next night people had left, leaving us with 15. THen eventually 12. Eight family members (including me), and 2 other couples. My dad bought breakfast one morning for everyone, the fire fighters bought us food sometimes, we ate M.R.E's, and once we got our food stamps we stopped eating fast food and cooked meals like gumbo, rice and gravy, and bbq. We slept on creeking cots but we piled blankets upon blankets on them. It was fun but yet boring. Everyone freakin fell asleep early (9pm) and got up around 6 or 7. (My dad is bad about that). I hardly slept in, but I took a lot of naps. The old couple were very amusing. The old man was almost deaf and farted a lot. He slept a lot, too. He'd cough at night, and it would sound like death. He also had a habbit of waking up and telling his wife to Wake up and make me some damn breakfast. That was the best. The other couple was a black couple that only come around to sleep, pretty much. They were fun. My family was the best. My older cousin, Ronald, And I went to this diner on an almost daily basis. Ronald, his sister miranda, and I went to wash clothes at a local washeteria and actually enjoyed it and it's false advertising of "air conditioning." We went to the casino quite often. Ronald went clubbin with a fire fighter who had a crush on miranda, hahahahaha. He bought she & I stuffed animals, and hunter (3 y/o cousin) toys. We got food stamp cards,a fema check, insurance money, and red cross money (eventually..). Fema knew us after day one. They'll never forget us, either.. My cousins friend had electricity, but she decided to play refugee with us for a few days. My family smoked and drank a lot. I had wine. OH, Rover came with us. He loved the station and his "trailer". We came back to Lake Charles to "look & leave". My uncles trailer had a tornado take away half of it, while my other uncles trailer (the uncle staying at the station with us) had a tree threw mirandas room and mold everywhere. Our house was almost perfect, minus the smell and the missing shingles. Oh, and the ants that are living in the walls.. My grandmaws house looked in good condition, but there were TONS of ants and water leaked threw the ceiling, so there was a huge brown spot on her living room ceiling. We went back to the station, but a few days later.. we were asked to leave because they needed the station for meetings.. but they had another shelter for us.. but we didnt wanna stay in a shelter with 9837589357 other people. Oh. which reminds me, the red-cross is bullshit. Since we werent stayin in their shelter, they wouldnt help us in anyway, besides by giving us a roll of toilet paper.. fucking gay. Oh, and FEMA sent our check to our house.. where the MAIL wasnt running.. fucking morons. Trust me, they learned our names fast. Salvation army was awesome fun, though. We got cool stuff.. shoes and shrits and I got a scarf. It was a blast. It was a sad day when we had to leave.. We went back to a house with no electricity and a horrible smell.. I ran away to sulphur for the night with cheyenne where this old man sorta hit on me. Tickled my knees, my side and went for the feet. Fuck that. The next day I hung out with Josh,brooks,tim, and ashton. Dallas and john murphy stopped by. (Johns mohawk is super hot). It was awesome. WE WENT TO KDS AND I SAW CAMEL CASH JOHN who picked me up when he hugged me and like, popped my back 90809534 times. I crashed at josh's for the night. Today hasn't been too wonderful, but it's great. I'm goin back to work tomorrow, which sucks because they;ve been busy NONSTOP. =/ WE GET ELECTRICITY BACK TOMORROW :) But the house still smells horrible.. And I get headaches from it. :( I JUST WANT A NEW FUCKING HOUSE. That is all. Pictures later. l[ 1 Need me like a bad habbit. ]l Come on just say it..

[01 Sep 2005|10:25pm] I've hardly been home so I appoligize for the lack of entries to those who read, if anyone does these days. If I'm not workin, I'm at kds or someone's house. If I am home, I'm usualy sleeping. All in all, nothing has gone on lately. I have two new writings I've done for Creative Writing. Enjoy. I believe.. I believe in love, perfection, mistakes, & second chances. I believe in lust, lushes, sex, & violence. I believe in apathy, empathy, & depression. I believe in drugs & rock-n-roll. I believe in rainbows, rain puddles, & fortune cookies. I believe in opinions. I believe in the smell of coffee & cigarettes. I believe in the taste of your first kiss. I believe in hopes, dreams, & trips. I believe that everything you experience makes you who you are. The way you were raised; the kids you grew up with ; the kids you hang out with ; the classes you take ; the things you're interested in -- all these things mold your personality and create your charactor. Whether you hide it or not is up to you, but don't wrap it up & dress it in a bow if it's not worth opening. Looks can be decieving ; like a pretty book with blank pages. Your character is your story. I believe that regrets are useless and mistakes are needed. You've gotta grow and learn how to walk, one day. I believe in teenage-angst. I live, breathe, and walk in it. I believe it's necessary, especially for writing -- but more importantly, it's needed for breathing and living. Don't regret anything. You'll learn from your mistakes and grow into yourself. Believe it. If only... If only people didn't have mouths. Sometimes, the things they say are so rude, stupid, and senceless ; there's no point in words that hurt. If only we could freeze time ; stop it at our favorite parts and prolong the goodbyes.. If only everyone could enjoy the sunrise ; the pinks & yellows ; the golden grace. Sometimes, that's all we need in our lives ; a little colour ; a little smile ; a little more time ; a little more happiness. That's what it all comes down to -- happiness & the way smiles feel.. Sometimes, they itch your face. Othertimes, you don't even notice them. That's when everything is perfect. When you find yourself staring into blue eues ; so light but so deep. You're enjoying life because those blue eyes are perfect and you've found your little bit of perfection. And it's when you notice your reflection in those blue eyes that you realize you've been smiling. Your muscles don't ache, but you feel liek you've been smiling your whole life -- or waiting to. A smile is just a stretch ; an itch on your face ; a lie, sometimes -- but when they're real & alive, everything fades out and perfection ; happiness takes over and your blind to everything but those blue eyes.. If only had their taste of happiness and perfection.. l[ 1 Need me like a bad habbit. ]l Come on just say it..

From now on.. [04 Aug 2005|12:47am] l[ 7 Need me like a bad habbit. ]l Come on just say it..

[30 Jul 2005|10:29pm] Maybe you should listen the next time I scream your name. Maybe you should watch my mouth form the letters like a lullaby. Listen closely ;; Breath quietly. You don't wanna miss this. Come on just say it..

[25 Jul 2005|02:45am] People are fucking retarded and should all die. Upside down in ditches. Thats about it. l[ 1 Need me like a bad habbit. ]l Come on just say it..

Why, yes. That is crap you're reading. [24 Jul 2005|03:49am] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | cauterize ] I've got a bottle in my hand full of your sweat. What's wrong sweetheart? Why so red in the face? From the looks of it, I can tell you haven't been lonley tonight. No ,you haven't been lonley in a while. The flowers on my bedstand looked better yesterday. They weren't so contaminated by my badluck, then. I guess it's just a habbit of mine ;; killing such beautiful things. And to top it all off, I glanced in the mirror and right before it shattered, I saw my face. Filled with gray and broken eyes. How could I have thought I'd be better without you? I'm trying to convince myself you don't deserve the best of me. But what was left of me has burned away. And I'm left shaking from nicotine while all these word-searches are spelling out your name.. My doormat says 'welcome' , but I swear I don't need you anymore.. Come on just say it..

[22 Jul 2005|06:00pm] Minutes away while he's seconds ahead. Her back is turned and hes up the stairs. The lights are out and they're in bed. She's on the phone ;; He's in her head. Distance is cheap but that girl's cheaper. Stringy hair drenched to her face, she's covered in lust and he's reading her outloud. Confused or caught? The secrets out. Lying under the covers won't be enough. He's too fucked up to talk and she's too depressed to care. Snortin coke and poppin pills. He said he'd quit but it's too late. He's so fucking predictable, it's sick. And He goes against his words but he's probably too fucked up to notice. She's better than that ;; way better than him. Is she really happy or just satisfied? She's making excuses, dressing him up like a doll. This isn't a play, sweatheart, he's not the star of the show. Don't waste your time on him. He's just the kid who forgot his lines and began making them up. Take your pity back. Save it for someone who cares. Come on just say it..

[20 Jul 2005|04:20pm] Maybe I should bite my tounge and hope the blood is proof enough. I'll love you no matter what. Words just aren't enough. l[ 1 Need me like a bad habbit. ]l Come on just say it..

[20 Jul 2005|03:04pm] Sometimes, I forget who I am. The mirror doesn't always prove to be honest. What you see and I see are not the same. Opinions. Perspectives. It makes a big mess of colours, like white clouds dancing with gray in a blue summer sky.. It's an akward puzzle, but someone's gotta pick out the pieces and find the real picture. No one's looking for truth, these days. They know it all, already. And those same people wonder why you always look in those picture books. "It's simple and honest", you told me once. "The stars forget to shine when you're around, but I've gotta see their lights, somehow." l[ 1 Need me like a bad habbit. ]l Come on just say it..

7/17 [19 Jul 2005|11:59pm] It's called love. And it's real. I love james. Most of all, he loves me. Come on just say it..

Fools for harry potter. [16 Jul 2005|05:42pm] HARRY POTTER PARTY Megan & I at books a million. Being cool. Casting spells the classy way. Casting spells the megan way. Dork. Dork. Free coffee. Megan's fixing my glasses. Standing in line to get the harry potter book. Sarah. Cutting. HARRY POTTER BOOK! Come on just say it..

Texas & stuff. [12 Jul 2005|01:38am] [ mood | mischievous ] [ music | bright eyes ] MORE FROM TEXAS! Megan & catdoor. Meg & Me. The hot spot. Thunda riva. "Ice cream gives me yellow teeth. :) " "Not me. :D " Steven. Broken toenail & dirty legs? Before the road hit him. Brooks. Not cool. Made by brooks. Also, not cool. Not cool here either, brooks. Before. After. Who's that cool guy? Nick almost died. Look at his ass. ;) l[ 1 Need me like a bad habbit. ]l Come on just say it..

[10 Jul 2005|05:16pm] I am a hybrid of: Indie Girl Party Girl Click on the pictures below to read more: Take the 'What Kind of Girl Are You?' quiz at CookingToHookup.com Come on just say it..

[30 Jun 2005|03:47am] You're as lovely as those picture books we used to read. The ones with broken hearts & black eyes. "Which do you think hurts worse?" ,you'd always ask. I didn't know then but I found out soon enough. Black eyes can be hidden & only hurt when you poke them. But broken hearts are never the same & they hurt every time you breathe. It's a constant reminder of how alone you are. No matter how crowded the room is, or how loud the music is -- you're still alone & incomplete. Come on just say it..

I quit. [30 Jun 2005|03:32am] We laid in the garden, hidden by the shade, as we shared stories of our first love. We compared hearts to clouds as they slid across the sky, each time we laughed. We never once cried. We left the sky for the oceans lullaby as the sun began to set. The stars came out and we counted the lights until we fell asleep, side by side in the thick grass. The flowers cowered over us and their honesty kept us warm. The night was long and we rested well. We fell into place as our hearts fell in love. Well, the sun came up and awoke us both, dressed us each is golden rays. We were shinning in the morning dew as we danced together to our own songs our own beat. We were off key and had no rhythm, but the sun refused to hide away. The clouds stood still and the sun shone bright. It was our spotlight. We were the show. As everything does, our show did end just as the wind began to blow the clouds over. We stepped in puddles on our way home ;; down the dirt paths and across the rocky road. HAnd in hand, we faced the liars. Side by side, they shot us down. Love is love, I always thought. This is love. This is love. Come on just say it..

I burped up puke. [25 Jun 2005|07:59pm] [ mood | sick ] [ music | Eisley ] Well, I dont know when I last updated.. Megan stayed the night Thursday. Friday was THEMBANI'S BIRTHDAY :) I made him a pb&j sandwich, which he enjoyed. After that, EVERYONE (Tim ,Andrea, Brooks, Danielle, Candace, Adam, Megan, James and I) went to Katies house because her parents were out of town. That was fun. Megan left early. More people showed up. Katie,Shane, Nick, and 3 of katies friends Jordan,Kelsey and Olivia helped bring us to KAties house. Stephen Ferguson brought some people, one of them being Stephen Fullington. It was a fun night. Ashton showed up at one point. Some girls swam topless. That was funny. I spent my time talking with people who weren't swimming, smoking cigarettes and TRYING to write and FAILING horribley at that. Eventually I began to conversate with Kelsey who turned out to be crazy-cool. She likes awesome music,haha. She's really cool and I'd say we hit it off well. It got later and later and I talked with people and had fun. I then thought about my writing and decided I don't think this is writers block. I'd call it a lack-of-talent. But I came to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, it's writers block. So I decided to try alcohol--eventually. I havent tried yet, but I plan on it because maybe a new experience will help me out a bit. Plus, Conor from bright eyes drinks alot and writes amazingly.. I had the best massage in the world from Katie and apparently all my stress rests in my shoulders. I wonder what I'm stressing over? I think I know a few things. James fell asleep early. The party had died down a bit so Kelsey,Olivia, and I snuck off to the dock with some pillows, blankets and juice boxes. It was fun. we planned on watching that sunrise but.. didn't. Damn misquitoes. We went back to the house and attempted to sleep. I didn't succeed at that. Eventually, brooks and I teamed up for our all-nighter. THAT was some funny stuff. We now have 92785u36 more inside jokes that we both pretty much dont remember. But It was fun. Brooks's fatass woke JAmes up twice,lol. Anyhow, Andrea and I fell asleep in Katies sisters room at 8:30. James came in twice. He layed with me for 2 mins the first time and Tim came in right after him,lol. So they left us, their g/fs, to go do whatever. James came back and gave me a flower,hehe, and we talked a bit--I think. I was the last one up at 2 or 3. I got up, pissed, ate, smoked, and had some coffee. I soo didn't wanna wake up. James looked at me and said "You don't look like you wanted to." when I told him that. Andrea got sick :( She was puking. She went home though. And eventually James,Tim and Brooks left for Texas to see Jeff since it's his 16th bday today. So Megan and I (she came over right after I woke up) left. She brought me home. I took a shower and now I feel sick. I've been feeling sick, off and on lately. Tonight I'll prolly crash early because there's nothing to do. No one's around. And I feel icky inside. Come on just say it..

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]