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In my heart you'll find one thing on top [11 Sep 2005|11:35]
[ mood | loved ]
[ music | lifehouse//you and me ]

Okay so I don't ever write in this journal anymore but I think I might start again. This weekend was alot of fun because I got to see my baby and fall asleep in his arms. Going to school is okay and all but I really miss waking up to him everyday. Looking in his eyes is the most amazing thing I've ever felt it just sends this feeling to my stomach and I really feel my heart get hot. I didn't think that was really possible but I also never knew anyone like this. So today I got a scholarship from St. Joseph's for college. I didn't really expect it and I never really had the school on my list, but its close and I don't wanna leave here because I could never leave what I've found behind. It feels so good to be happy and in love. Bradley your my sunshine I love you baby. And when I can't fall asleep in your arms I'll see you in my dreams.

Lovin' you lovin' me
Baby, I'm so into you, right now I can barely breathe
You're all that I'll ever need
So kiss me, like it's our last
Take me away and darling, don't bring me back
Because I'm lovin' you lovin' me.

harm me

Its always better when were together [16 Jun 2005|01:47]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | Jack Johnson // Better Together ]

I haven't updated in like forever and a day so I can't possibly tell you everything thats happened but I'll try my best. Schools finally out and I'm happy about that because I have more time to chill out and see people. I went to the beach twice so far. One day with Sara, Mike, and Bradley and then once with Michelle and Theresa. Last weekend me and Michelle went to a party at this kids house it was alright. I know Michelle had a lot of fun lol ;) We came home around 4 and Michelle picked up Bradley on the way home and he slept over....thnx Michelle I love you baby. My sister's graduation parties are next weekend that should be fun non stop drinkin all day then all nite at the other party were gonna be wasted !!!! Tuesday I hung out with Kenny and we went shoppin to get his graduation outfit then we went to Starbucks yumM and I got Iced Chai ! I rolled a blunt and we smoked then I went home to get ready for Sara's graduation. It was like 2 hours long or whatever I was pretty tired I came home made pancakes, called Bradley, then went to sleep I was beat. Yesterday I woke up and Kenny walked in to show me his new phone or wutever so I chilled with him. We smoked a blunt and went to my sisters work to hang out with Sara and Jaxii. Kenny wouldn't get his eyeball numbed !!!!!!!!!!!! I got dropped off at my house and I was suppose to go out with Mel but I missed her call. So I took a nap and then I made dinner and cleaned. This weekend I'm suppose to hang out with Candice yay and I'm going to Kyle's graduation party should be fun.

harm me

OOo OOo OOo [29 May 2005|12:15]
[ mood | relaxed ]
[ music | marley//jammin ]

I guess I shouldn't have a journal because I don't have the time to write in it but oOo well. I guess alot has happened in the last two weeks but I really don't remember everything. Two weekends ago I had to babysit all weekened which was fine cause I make good money. On Sunday Me Sara & Mike had to go grocery shoppin b/c we had no food just alcohol it was ridicilous. That had to be the most aggravatin shoppin trip of my life. This week of school went by pretty fast considerin I think I went like 2 days maybe. Monday I went Tuesday I had a doctors appointment Wednesday I didnt go Thursday I went for 2 periods and got sent home and Friday I didn't go. Friday I had Heathers party but Friday morning I talked to bradley and I dunno I said somethin and he juss seemed to get mad and I dont get angry anymore b/c of my medicine I dunno its like impossible I juss get sad and turn red and stuff. So my sister calls him later that night and he asks to talk to me and he says hes not mad and shit and he comes over and asks why my cheeks are red and I didnt really tell him. But it was because I thought he was mad at me and it made me really upset because I didnt wanna fuck up again. Lately in the last couple months I have managed to fuck up almost everything I had in my life. And I just didnt wanna mess up again. This time it wouldnt even be something that would just be me either it would somehow effect him that made me feel bad. Saturday morning I woke up w/o a hangover because I dont get hangovers mmMm I love it. My sister was suppose to fight a girl with Jaxii n Jackie but when they got there no one would fight so it was pointless to go. I came home and tried to shop for something its a mystery I can't say anythin but I couldnt find anything. I'm gonna go take a shower and go shoppin some more maybe.

harm me

Things get so crazy...CRAZY [16 May 2005|05:24]
[ mood | horny ]
[ music | phish // gin & juice ]

Ok so I figured this weekend was going to be pretty beat. I really didn't have plans to do anything. It started out pretty damn bad and got better and better :)

_fRiday_
Didn't go to school because my ovarian cyst or wutever was hurting my stomach and all. Plus I didn't get any sleep the night before. I didn't go out that night because I didn't go to school and I didn't want to be out and in pain I hate that. So I stayed here and I did some stuff fell asleep pretty late but woke up early the next day suprisingly.

_saTuRdaY_
I had to take my mom to buy flowers for the garden. Well yea so we went to drop off money for my sister at her work and I messed up my moms car in the parking space it was bad. Oops.....it was weird because I'm a really good driver and like u could tell how many other people did the same thing I did because like their was every different color car paint known there. You'd think she'd get pissed at me nah instead she takes me shopping so I go to the mall get some clothes. I kept droppin shit everywhere. I knocked over a whole rack at pac sun. The day was just going so bad. We went and got flowers I came home and fixed the car. It looks perfect again you can't tell which is good. Then I took my mom to get her hair cut. Came home planted flowers. Kenny called who I haven't seen in forever and asked if I wanted to go to dinner to see Heather A. So Sara and Mike came home and all 4 of us went out to eat. Chilled with them for a little while then went back to mikes. Bought weed and blunts. We went on a road trip drove for like 3 hours and just saw a whole bunch of scary shit. We were in the darkest forest with no lights no civilization it was crazy. On the way home we went to New Hope and Cry Baby Bridge. Smoked 3 blunts. Ended up coming home around like 1. Was really bored and had alot of energy. The night just got better. Someone else I haven't seen in forever came over and smoked. I ended up going to bed around 4.

_SundAy_
I was going to sleep in on sunday but I just ended up getting up. I went to the mall to return things for my mom while she was at work. Then Michelle came and got me and we went to the mall to get something to eat LOL. Fuckin people need to leave on time for real. So we ended up not getting to do what we wanted. So we went to starbucks...yum ICED CHAI ! Came back to my house and did are project for religion class blah. I hate that class. Too bad the chapters on being truthful and our posters on being supportive of drugs. But it all works ;) When my mom got home from work I went out with her to shop. Got home kinda late and did my hair. I was really bored because it was a school night everyone was sleepin by like 10. And I don't go to bed til like 3. So I juss chilled and studied for a test I didn't even end up having to take til Wednesday so wutever.

My box of LOLLIPOPS is almost gone.......:'(

Now that its nice out I think I need to chill with people I haven't really seen all winter and sit out and smoke. Can't wait til we start going on our beach trips. I love the beach. Summers almost here. And I just wanna let things flow and not rush into anything I do.

hold me so nothing anyone says will ever harm me

All we ever wanted was love and love and happy afternoons [08 May 2005|10:25]
[ mood | excited ]
[ music | rhcp // soul to squeeze ]

Okay so today I'm in a good mood. I had a really good weekend I guess you could say. Today I went to my mommom's and she gave me some book and I was like whats this and shes like its from grannie you read it to her when you were 7. I miss going to my grannies house so much. They just moved her down her into a home and she was really mad about it shes not talking to my mommom now. But shes 94 and its dangerous for her to live so far away alone. So my mommoms letting me drive her up to my grannies house so we can clean it and stuff and spend a couple days there. I'm excited I haven't been there in soOo sooo long. I want to go visit my grannie soon. My mommom said she found a box my grannie had with her and when she opened it....it was full of all the letters and cards I wrote her when I was a little girl. I use to write her every week for years I love her so much. It made me feel really good when she told me that. At my mommoms my godfather told me he was going to teach me how to drive stick this month whenever I want him too. WOOO EXCITED ! Then my mom told me shes not going to buy me a used car because its not worth it shes just going to get me a brand new car. Wow! Could this weekend get any better. Now all I need to do is find a job. Ooo yea and I got my hair cut.

:: I will live with the consequences for the choices I make ::

hold me so nothing anyone says will ever harm me

Creep even into the corners where the sun doesn't rise.. [03 May 2005|12:17]
[ mood | exhausted ]
[ music | Phish // Waste ]

Have you ever noticed that what you have become in life is not only a reflection of self? In everywhere I am grateful for the people who have come in and out of my life in their own way. I know that not everyone has an equal contribution of happiness towards who I am, but that doesn't mean I'm not grateful for them being a part of me. See there is many people in life who I could look at and name all the amazing things they've done for me and how they have contributed to my happiness. On the other hand I can clearly point out the people who have put me in the dark lead me to depression and ruined things about me I needed. But I'm not the type of person who would blame someone regardless of what happens because they may have acted a certain way but that was how they reacted to the situation. And who has the right to tell them that their reaction was wrong. In a way its like formulating an opinion and you should never be discouraged. So I don't discourage those who have reacted in certain ways that have offended me I rather look upon myself and know that I now learned how to deal with another element of life. And if I hadn't learned how to deal with that now then it could be a deafening factor later in life. So whereas I can get over it now it might have lead to something way more difficult if I had to deal with it later instead. What I've become is something I should be grateful for, not look down upon. I can't in anyway change my past so why should I look back on it and question what if's. The past will always remain in my mind as memories that will be evoked over time by future situations. But if their not coming naturally then why sit and dwell on them as if I could reproduce a better life. Dwelling on a imaginary past which you have changed in your mind to better suit yourself instead of accepting what really happened is probably one of the major factors of becoming depressed. Never let the present pass you by while your too busy thinking about the past. As I move forward with life I realize that I could pursue the many things that I am naturally talented in, but I'd rather test my own endurance and become something I have no experience in. Just simple concepts I know that will help me become that one day through many processes. I could sit here and make it all easy for myself and make money writing, taking pictures, or dancing because I know I could succeed at those things, although I don't want to be handed something because I hold a talent naturally given to me over everyone else. I think I'd rather learn the discipline and life experiences that comes with going into new situations and applying myself.

" Don't let your life pass you by, Weep not for the memories"

harm me

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