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I wonder, are you happy? It seemed so sweet; where does the time go? Guess what, I still miss you. I miss laying still with you, your stomach against mine, to breathe easier. And you were familiarity, my best friend, blue eyes, hair like an accident scene. You were only my first everything, so don't sweat it. I lay alone with the memory of your hands stuck to my ribs. But memory isn't enough to fill the empty space that stays between them. You took the heart that used to beat there in your pocket when you left. Well, I look like I used to. There were places where I could kiss you like a moviestar. Those places look nothing like they used to. There were times we'd talk about God and death and existentialism. And there was a moment when I had a little boy in my arms, who I'd known all my life, shaking. You smelled like Ivory soap, fabric softener, sweat. We laid bare beneath the sheets of your bed. You were scared the first time, breathing hard against me until I pressed my lips against your fingertips, against your neck, on your stomach. And then you held my shoulders down and we listened to the cars outside. Our hips made the make believe crashes. Didn't I wear your jeans when it was through? Didn't we drink Lemonade to pretend it was champagne? Sing again for me some time. Just stand in my doorway for a second, just stand long enough for it to feel like you never left. I remember how you ate Oreos in a bowl with milk like cereal. It's the stupid things you did that make me cry. I remember how I'd watch your shoulderblades move underneath your teeshirt, thinking about how pretty our kids would be. With your eyes and your smile. I want you to close my hand in yours. Say you could never forget how I loved you. Like no one else could love you. It rained the day you left, and maybe it was better cause you couldn't see all my tears. You kissed me goodbye and tossed me your hoodie. And left. Because "that's that". I know all this means nothing, except I'm still hurting. But it's okay. Why don't you show up at my door after practice, like you used to. You'd ring the bell and wait, cause you knew I was the only one home. I'd pull you inside and slam the door and lift up your teeshirt. I like that way, I like the way we did things. I would hug you around the middle so I could feel the soft muscles on your stomach, and on your arms, so I could feel your hip bones and your heat. Your eyes stood out like clear blue electricity in dim light, and you'd kiss me hard with your hands in my back pockets. And I'd smile like I knew it'd be forever. Please say you remember how long forever is. Please say you remember how I loved you. Cause I love you, still, I love you. Read it over until you remember forever. Do you remember now?
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