Shakti's Journal
20 most recent posts

Date:2004-01-08 08:22
Subject:all the miles that seperate
Music:3 doors down - here without you

disappear now, when I'm dreaming of your face

it's strange... how much I love you, and ache for you, when you're not around
but when you are, I won't talk to you, I barely acknowledge you

i heard this life is overrated
but I hope that it gets better as we go

Jarrod Adam White got ahold of me. He was in my life for a few short days. I miss what I thought we had. The closeness I imagined was there. The love I imagined I felt in his arms, in his eyes. The way I'd watch him sleep, and feel an overwhelming sense of love and passion. how we'd make love, everywhere and anywhere... any time. How he'd move my hair from my face, and tell me how beautiful I am. And his rough masculine hands would caress my cheek ... and he'd tell me how much he loved me.

I miss how jealous he'd act... how demanding he was...

Jason Edward Vaughn, I love you. And I hurt because of it. Because what I want, and what I need... you won't give me. When you walked behind me, several times this morning, and said goodbye before you left... I wanted to stand up and wrap my arms around your neck. I wanted to kiss you, then bury my head into your neck, and feel your arms wrap around me, holding tightly on to me. But I remained seated, chatting with my mental infactuation. Letting him make any form of emotion disappear from my life, leaving a mental satisfaction there.

Jason, I love you.

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Date:2003-12-25 22:14
Subject:i don't know

if it's me
or if it's them.

but suddenly
i don't want to be around them
i don't want to be near them
i don't want to know them.
especially her.

watching what she does
how she does it
why she does it

i don't want to know her any more.

ever again.
and yet, I will.
I'll know them all.
even if they are all playing the same game.
the same way.
while I sit on the sidelines screaming
bad play.
bad play.

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Date:2003-12-21 21:48

what I won't say: I love you. Good night.

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Date:2003-12-21 17:22

ok. i'm not being fair.
you asked what's wrong.
you stood beside me and waited for me to give you some kind of acknowledgement.
I'm not being fair.
I know.

you tried to find out what was wrong and fix it.
you did.
and I give you credit for that.

I just want so bad, to be angry at you.

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Date:2003-12-21 17:05

is there anything else I can do for you while I'm playing do-girl and errand bitch?
no, really... anything else?

because obviously I don't do enough.

want to know what's wrong?
why i'm suddenly pissed.
of course not.
so i'll tell you here.

it's how you said it.
like it was my fault.

"Congrats, you're on the only computer that runs EQ"

What the fuck?
I mean seriously.

I know, I'm actin childish. I don't care.
I'll be over it in a few minutes.
it's childish.
they're just words.
I make the meaning.

The way I interpreted the words you chose, was that way.
I'll change the interpretation after I marinate in anger for a bit.

who am I kidding?
I'm already over it.
I'm just trying to be mad now.
it isn't working.
I love you.
and i hate that.
because I can't stay mad.
no matter how hard I try.

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Date:2003-12-21 12:26
Subject:ever notice

how you can love someone
with all your being

and at the same time
wish you never met them
so that you wouldn't feel
the way you do
when you're with out them

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Date:2003-12-20 16:54

It's just, I know what's going on. I see it.
I know.
you know?
I know first hand what she's doing.
I don't have to like it.

I hate not having the ability to cut people out of my life.

moving on to a more suitable topic for a happier mood.
Despite it all
I love him.
With it all.
I love him.
how do you express that?
how do you say that?

words don't seem to be enough.
I'd buy him the world... I'd conquer the universe
just to see him smile.

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Date:2003-12-20 16:51

am I jealous?
hell fuckin yea.
do I have a right to be.
hell fuckin yea.

but he's in the past.
so I'm not going to dwell on it.

why do people do this?
he's a minor ex. not even really considered a relationship.
there was a lot of emotional transferrence, that's it.
nothing more.

but it was still mine.

oh well.
in the past.
I wouldn't have such a problem with it.
if it was anyone, but her.
She's going to crush him.
and I'm going to sit back.
and let it happen.
because to do anything else
would send the wrong signals

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Date:2003-12-17 06:57
Subject:i appreciate now

how you never tell me I talk too much
or too little
how you never tell me I'm too emotional
or not emotional enough
on how we can sit in perfect silence,
and hold the most profound conversation
on how you like when I'm a bitch
and encourage me to be such.
In how you're teaching me to say no
except for, of course, when it pertains to you.
I appreciate how you don't let me get away with stuff
unless of course, it's okay.
And how when I need it
you wrap your arms around me and hug me.

The image of you, putting on my cherokee choker
yesterday, in my car
with that goofy grin
and question of
how it looked on you-
keeps making me smile

and the face you made
when you saw mushrooms
inside the beef and barley stew

just because it's one chromosome away from jock itch and athlete's foot

and the way you play along
when I ask
how much do you love stormy?

I appreciate how you call me a pain in the ass
with that playful grin

I appreciate how you aren't overly affectionate
or underly attentive.

I love you, Jason Edward Vaughn.

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Date:2003-12-15 22:58

your head lay between my breasts. ocassionally massaging my nipples with the side of your chin.
we both knew what would happen.
i tried so hard to deny it
you pushed it on.

i kissed the top of your head, and you shifted. i could feel your hardness, pressing between my legs, through our jeans. you laughed, and we kept talking, as if pretending to both not notice how hot I was growing. i leaned down, you leaned up.
we kissed.
and my nails found a way to travel down your back, as your hand found a way inside of my shirt.
so innocent. we pretended it wasn't happening. and my hands undid your pants, slipping them down as I grabbed the spike between your legs. my palms massaged it.
i spoke, breaking from your lips.

do you want it?
I'm going to make you want it.

you moaned, your lips hungerly latching onto my neck.
your fingers grasping onto my body.
my pants found their way off.
and I pressed you outside me.

this dream. this crazy dream haunts me.

and you pressed inside me.
baby was on your lips.
and you never stopped calling me that.

this dream is intoxicating me.
numbing my senses.

i want it again.
i want it to end.

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Date:2003-12-02 07:39
Subject:deaf to it all

I could have easily of fucked you last night. And not thought twice.
You feel so fucking good inside of me.
As I drifted off to sleep... when I finally got home, images of us fucking taunted me from some distant memory. You just showed back up into my life after four months of silence. Four months of out-of-sight-out-of-mind. We smoked together for the first time yesterday. You still haven't seen me at my meanest. I'm not a mean stoner though, I'm an honest stoner -when I decide to talk. Sitting in Gothica... I wanted to fuck you. I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to thrust my tongue into your mouth as you thrust your cock into my pussy.

I wanted you to fuck me so hard it hurt... and not stop.

I wanted to drag my nails down your back, and sink my teeth into your neck. I wanted to hold your hands above your head and ride you. Like I've done so many times before.

I maintained face.
I did not act on the impulses.

because he was lingering in my mind. I felt guilty for even having those thoughts.
But damn, we're great together in bed. And you made that comment in front of your friend... validating I'm 'fucking amazing' in bed. I would have never of gone that far... but I'll accept the compliment with a grin. But there's more than sex. There's gotta be. Cause i love him. not you. I enjoy fucking you. I enjoy *most of the time* being around you. . . damn
I'm glad I dropped you off at home when I did.
If I hadn't...
I'd be in a world of guilt right now.

What do you get when you cross a Catholic with a Jew?
Guilt that lasts forever.
old family joke... that's so very true.

I love you Jason Vaughn.
But I'm at the point where a girl has to do, what a girl has to do...
I don't want to hold out, for nothing.
And the way things are looking (at least in some fraction of my warped mind) I'm nothing to you.

So what do I do now?
Do I fuck him? or him? or him? or you?
Cause he, and he, and he have already expressed their interest in bedroom sports with me.
I've giggled and declined, or completely avoided the situation because of you. You being inside my mind.
The memory of you inside me.
But now, new memories of old lovers are knocking. Hard and loud at my window.
I really dislike loving you, like this.
If you'd let me love you, it'd be so much easier. Because i'd have confirmation of exactly how you feel about me, and would know how to proceed accordingly without stepping on toes.

Fuck, I'm about ready to run over toes though.

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Date:2003-11-20 09:10
Subject:what is it with you people?

I love him.
We're friends.

You were going to tell him to fuck off, because you're afraid of me being hurt?
My heart is warmed... yes... but I love him... yes...
and I refuse... let me repeat.... refuse to live life without expression.
I love him, and because I do, he shall know.

Don't disallow him from being here, on account of me.
That... I never want to happen.

on a similarly different note
I'm amused with what you had to say
about the big blue bear, the notebook and card
all for you of course.
although the gesture was not nice (insert foot stomp) and the bear is not cute.
He's ferocious. Rowrl.
don't let that fake plush blue fur fool you buddy-boy.
tee hee.
Yup... crazy ass pain in the ass.

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Date:2003-11-14 22:45
Subject:all you had to say

we sat there alone
i was deafened by it.
by the talking inside my head
my responses to you.
about what you said.
About what I want to say.
I love you.
I can't express this.
The right way.
But I love you.
I want that I didn't...
I do.
Stay with me tonight.
Wrap me in your arms.
Let me believe you love me back.
After that... you can tell me to disappear
Just give me tonight.
Just give me now.

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Date:2003-11-07 07:55
Subject:slightly guilty
Music:the tragically hip - the apt song

Thank -whatever higher powers- I'M FREE AT LAST!

She went back up north.
Who am I speaking about?
HER. The trampish whore than goes after my left overs (sometimes before I finish them)

She's gone.
out of my life.
The warding incantation worked.
As I knew it would.
But much sooner than I anticipated.
Joyousness is surrounding me.
Happiness is saturating my being.

I'm swimming in ecstacy.

damn it all though
if I didn't start my period last night.
no matter.
The blood will flow.
cleansing myself of what I've done.
honestly... I can't remember the last time, I was so happy
at someone else's departure.

I feel as if I should think myself a horrible person.
I don't.

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Date:2003-11-04 08:32
Subject:useless bits of information
Music:gloria estefan - words get in the way

they broke up on saturday night... when he saw her last.
it was a one night stand that went on for too long. Frankly, you annoy me. We have nothing in common.

there was this other guy, i was interested in just fucking. he's cool, and all that jazziness, not boyfriend material. Not by a long shot. He and I were getting close, and then she steps in. She went home with him after the party, slept with him the next morning (shh, I was SWORN to secrecy... yeah right... crazy bitch... you fucked the man I love) and HE "dumped" her (by her standards they broke up...) saturday night.
Now, like a lost puppy she's watching traffic every time she's here, waiting for the phone to ring, jumping every time the door dings, to see if it's her new toy. She's upset because her new toy is already not calling, not showing up, standing her up (several times now...)


drama for you.

I have no expectations. This time around.
Before you break my heart in two
there's something I've been trying to say to you
but then words get in the way

And then you. We've seen more of each other on a friendly bases these past three days, than we have the past five weeks. You said you knew I was trying to hate you (in fact, I'd had you convinced) you knew I wanted you dead. And still you tried to talk with me. To smile with me. To laugh with me. You've been more tender towards me, these past three days, than you were the past five (six) months now

what was that? last night, when I was laying on the floor on my side, and you were sitting there... and you pulled me back to lay on your lap. what was that on sunday night, when laying in your bed, you kept tickling me, and poking me. and then cuddling me (only to tickle me again a few minutes later, and then innocently pull me back to you)

I tried to say I love you
but the words get in the way

I expect only for you to let me love you.
not for you to love me back.. jason.
i'd say, don't do what you don't want.
but you've silently shown
you want to.
to spend time with me
to feel some undisclosed thing fo rme.
that's ok.
because i love you.
and i'm willing to wait.
maybe not forever,
but definetely for now.

(warning: I've got a high sex drive... don't make me wait too long)

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Date:2003-11-04 08:24
Subject:so much to say
Music:brad stella - so far from home

things have been so weird... these past few days.
the party friday...
being at your house... saturday morning
at the exact time
five weeks prior
i'd been there last.
we talked.
we laid in your bed... completely and utterly non sexual
and talked.
recovery saturday that never occurred.
recovery sunday that never happened.
sunday night...
dropping you off at home...
at nine at night...
staying with you there
until four in the morning.
cuddling with you
watching movies
you tickling me... sending the sheets and blanket everywhere..
me wailing, begging, yepping...
gasping from laughing so hard.
seeing you monday...
you greeting ME with a hug
and a smile
a lingering hug.
it's comforting.
you're comforting.
it feels good to have you back.
even if temporarily.
though permanently would be best.
and to have you look at me
like you did, and do
would be best.

I'm picking you up in six hours.
To go back there.
With them.

I ached to feel your lips on mine
as you got out of the car,
pausing before turning to exit
and looking at me.
a brief, hesitent moment in time
so beautiful.
so tender.

you forgot to say "i love you"
but I won't.
I love you.

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Date:2003-10-26 20:09
Music:REM - losing my religion

i am beginning to feel a deep, swelling hate for her.
the way she looks, the way she talks,
the way she throws herself at every guy.
at anything with a cock
and looks at me, squealing "boobies!" whenever they bounce
the way she claims to want to raise her son
and yet she refuses to go babysit him
she's a black slurpie.
don't talk to me you worthless, broke slut.
and keep your fucking diseased ridden essence away from my interests.

i am beginning to feel a deep, swelling hate for her.
the way she ooks, the way she talks,
the way she throws herself at every guy.
at anything with a cock.
and looks at me, and chatters away like we're friends.
just because we talk, doesn't mean we're friends.
you're fucking the man I love.
you were mushy with the man I love.
don't smile at me, and pretend it's all fine
like i don't give a damn you cheap, worthless whore

the list is endless.
extremely endless.
and i'll bitch more later.
about people that are on my list for the guillotine

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Date:2003-10-22 11:45
Subject:i'm losing it still
Music:NIN - the day the world went away

i feel myself closer to the edge of snapping. of losing brain matter everywhere
air is suddenly aggravating me.
I can't explain.

Double standards are infecting me
their double standards
are infecting me
and my mind is fighting back
rejecting the virus that is them.
That is everyone.
I have a thirst for blood
I have a desire to...

shush now, do not say.


you let me give you my heart
and then you tossed it aside
for a cheap piece of ass.


you are these things.
and i love you.
but I don't want you.
not any more.
it just wouldn't be right.
it just wouldn't be the same.

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Date:2003-10-21 09:19

i love you.
good bye.
goodbye to yesterday
goodbye to then
hello to today
hello to tomorrow
hello to now

everything is changing so fast. so very fast.
everything is always changing

just breathe
just breathe
i'll try.

the insanity of the past is playing tricks on the future
like some jester in a court
laughing as the queen sits on tacks

Happiness is a state of mind.
and i've got one foot in that door.
the other is stuck in a tar pit of...
of.. hell i don't know. internal turmoil roused by emotional pain

and strangely, still... i'm smiling.

I love you (all), with every beat of my heart
we've hung memories on the halls of my soul

and you, if only i could express to you... how much you are cared for, from afar... and without physical presentation. simply telephonic, and textual.
I can not express... in words.
You are loved.

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Date:2003-10-18 23:36
Mood:so many words, so many fears

I just spent several hours on the phone with him. He stimulates my mind. I enjoy that. I enjoy our conversations... I do. There's a comfort in that. And part of me doesn't want our friendship beyond what it is. (meaning in that if physical senses were thrown into the mix (sight, etc) the friendship would be altered. Even the slightest alteration could prove fatal to the survival of the friendship) But part of me wants to further explore why, how, and so on, I'm able to actually let go of mental barriers I put forth and say "this or that" without fear of retaliation. There's a comfort in talking to an open minded person with a wicked sense of humor (at times).

I don't know.
Things are so weird. I'm almost disturbed that I can go so long without talking to him, and pick up as if we'd spoken only yesterday... and then go so long without talking, emailing, messaging, etc etc again. I don't know. Part of me doesn't mind. It's the "perfect" friendship. Part of me minds. it's the most flawed of friendships. It's the gray area of friendships. Know just enough to be friends, but not enough to be friends. I knew, once upon a time... so much about him. At least, he knew so much about me. But then, time, distance, silence... and change.

I feel like a kid who knew how to ride a bike, once upon a time, but it was a tricycle. and now they're tossing me up on a bicycle and telling me to juggle raw eggs while going down a hill with faulty breaks.

ok. bad analogy. but i tried.
that's all that matters.
in other news....

there's this feeling that's deep inside. this fear of rejection, and pain that's looming overhead. but it isn't my fear. it isn't my pain. But i feel it. i feel it for who though? for what? i should have been to sleep five hours ago... but sleep doesn't want me. Honest, I tried to seduce sleep... but sleep wasn't in the mood tonight.
i suppose it's time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling, or roll over and start another book...

keep your clothes on.

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