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mood |
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morose |
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music |
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"Fly Me To The Moon" by Whitney Smith ; n other jazz songs |
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today was the day that i have been waiting for all week and now that it's here i'm happy yet so moody for some reason. so many things happened today and i was trying to enjoy all of it, but something was holding me back. anyways, here's what happened:
the hockey game
it's strange how things tend to look so differently during the day and at night. the last time i went to see a roller hockey game at jamestown, it was at night and there were very few people around; so when i got there today, i was a little confuzzled ya know?
everything was exceedingly bright and there were tons of people there; spectating and playing a variety of sports. there was a point when i thought that i was at the wrong place, but i remembered andy saying that there were soccer fields and baseball fields around, so that was reassuring.
i finally [FINALLY!] found the outdoor hockey arena and caught a glimpse of andy. he was lookin good in his uniform; red helmet, white jersey, black hockey pants with red and white designs on the side, new skates, and [of course] the andy smile.
i saw the big brother-ish side of him that people subconsciously know is there, but just don't quite see at play. he seemed to be watching out for every player on his team; always being there to back them up and encourage them when they needed it. it was sOo.. great.
would've/could've/should've cheered louder than the enthusiastic mom that was blowing the horn and stuff [which was pretty funny], but instead i sorta just stood alone on one side of the fence and watched the game quietly. i was misplaced; there alone, didn't know anyone, didn't really.. belong, i guess. still feeling guilty about not saying anything.
spent the morning contemplating on whether or not i should even go to the game cause of the overall state of depression i am and have been in this entire week. constantly thinking 'here i am. should i be here?' while i'm there and then thinking 'should i have gone?' after it. it sucks when your mood doesn't match what you want to feel or "should be" feeling. i decided to go to "support a good friend" but that didn't really happen since i didn't cheer whatsoever.
i'm happy for one thing about going though; and that was getting to see andy. i don't know why, but seeing andy smile really lifts up my spirits. he is my sunshine. what is it with boys and their smiles/grins/and anything else they have or do that just makes you feel good? if any female has discovered the reason for this, puleez enlighten me.
mowing the lawn whilst being cooked in the sun
got home and looking in the mirror [how i dread doing that] confirmed that i received my unwanted tan for today. yay.. not. u should've heard my disappointed sigh. it was very down. then comes in my mom who really, really, really wants to brighten up my day, so she tells me to go mow the lawn.. ah gee, thanx mom. there is no shade and it's over 90 degrees out there! her excuse for not doing it herself: i don't understand all of the words on the lawnmower, so i don't know how to work it. wtf!? why do you even have to read all that's on it?
krimbe behind food lion; happy garden; barnes and noble
ryan and laura picked me up at 5. ryan told me and laura that when he saw my dad he thought that he was going to kill him, but then my mom walked out and he realized that it wasn't my dad he was afraid that would kill him, it was my mom. she was standing by the door behind my dad and as ryan put it "i wasn't getting it off of your dad, i was getting it off of your mom. i was feeling her bad aura reflect off of him.'
on our way to food lion, we passed a dead bird on the road and that made laura really sad. i didn't see it, but it's sad when things get run over. food lion was in sight and who did we see? OSCAR WILDE! LOL j/k it was JOHN! he was looking sharp in his formal prom wear; white long sleeve formal shirt thing, black slacks, fancy rental shoes, and this green vest and tie. and he was running behind the car! it was so hilariously cool. after we got out, john gave me a hug, anna and stephen arrived and ryan went over the complicated rules of krimbe. fareed arrived a little bit later after that.
anna proved to be the most righteous female krimbe enthusiast. me and laura? i resided as "krimbe ball retriever" and laura just made sure that she was standing in "da box." we didn't understand it at all and ryan making up some more rules as the games went along wasn't helping us out either. out of around the 10 games that we played, laura scored 0 points and i scored 4 and i don't know how i did it. stephen, ryan, and john were totally kicking everyone's asses. i spent 5 minutes during one game dancing with john or rather we just took each other hands like we were going to dance and stepped around in circles. lol it was funny.
a little more toying with the yellow smiley face ball; a little more confusion; a little more rules added to krimbe later,..
we went to food lion and bought a corsage for john to give to becky ledford and 2 giant cherry lollipops for laura and me. then we went to the happy garden chinese restaurant.
we were waiting for john and becky to come before we ordered but they were taking a really long time so we ordered and started eating. i ate half of laura's sesame chicken and 1/4 of my egg drop soup. becky and john finally got there and becky looked amazing! i had just put this huge piece of sesame chicken in my mouth, but i wanted to tell becky that she looked awesome so i did. it sounded something like, 'breffky yroo wrook beauter-wiff-full.' she was wearing this long lavender dress. john and becky looked like a nice pair.
my highlight of the entire time we were there: the ice cubes in my large wine glass thing of iced tea. they were so cool looking and i wanted to take a picture of my glass so bad, but i didn't have a camera. i kept asking fareed to clink glasses with me so that i could watch the ice move.
we left the happy garden all full and went back to where we played krimbe to just goof around and do nothing in particular. stephen and anna left for the prom and then fareed left, so it was just laura, ryan, john, becky, and me. we goofed around some more and took pictures. laura got a couple of john and ryan posing as jack kerouac and neal cassidy on the cover of on the road and then i got spiffy shots of john and ryan singing and dancing to bruce springsteen! it was so FUCKING HILARIOUS! by the end of the song john went and took becky's hand and they waltzed to his car and off to the prom and we said a million goodbyes before they actually left.
ryan took laura and me to barnes and noble and we checked out the postcards and walked around. i was sprawled on the carpet with a lot of books, flipping through the pages of photography albums under the photography section while laura and ryan were sitting with each other in embrace on the winnie the pooh stage in the children's section. ryan was trying to convince laura to go into this makeout session with him right there to see if anyone would kick them out. way to scare the kids you guys.
it was way past time for me to be home. all ryan knew was that laura had to be home by 9 and i didn't tell him that i told my mom i'll be home by 8. i didn't want to tell him and get him to cut everything short. my mom called me and kept on talking and wouldn't shut up and i was saying 'i'll be home in a little bit.' repeatedly to her, trying to make it so that no one around could hear. laura came up and put her hand on my shoulder and i look up and see ryan. i hung up on my mom b/c i didn't want to hear her voice and say anything anymore for fear that i would choke on my words and start crying. she makes me feel guilty.
on the ride home, only ryan and laura talked and argued and i was sitting in the back playing with ryan's bouncy ball. i was almost completely quiet the whole way and there were tears in my eyes but i brushed them away before ryan and laura saw. i don't know why i was crying. and i didn't want to go home. home.. is it really my home?
ryan pulled into my driveway. i gave him the yellow bouncy ball and let him hold my hand and then i hugged laura twice and they left. i was "home."
3 showers in 1 day
one before going to andy's game b/c of this subconscious feeling that i reaked of the smell of bathroom cleaner.
one after getting back home and mowing the lawn b/c i didn't like the sticky feeling.
one after getting back home from hanging out with ryan, laura, stephen, anna, john, and fareed b/c krimbe made me all sweaty and sticky again and i was d!RRty.
my mom
my.. mother. i usually don't give her enough credit. she's not always that bad, but it usually is that she can be terribly unreasonable and cold. when andy asked me if my mom or dad was there at the game, i said no and this sad feeling came over me. i love my mom and i think she loves me, too, even though it doesn't really seem like it. she's just not good at displaying it.
hopeless and inexperienced romantic
boys. i don't want to think about them. i don't want to have crushes. i don't want anything that leads up to the word "relationship" but somehow that's all that keeps coming to my mind. and then when a guy asks me out, i freak out and am thoroughly shocked. i'm scared of this whole "relationship" bit. fuck human nature.
yays of today:
seeing andy; dancing err.. spinning around in circles with john; giant cherry lollipop; cool-looking ice in my glass of tea; seeing becky in a dress!; taking great pics of john and ryan singing and dancing to springsteen and then john taking becky by the hand and waltzing her to his car; going to barnes and noble
mehs of today:
cleaning, cause cleaning always sucks; not being able to fully enjoy today; the sad feeling that poured over me when i answered no to andy's question about whether either of my parents were at the game and when my eyes watered while ryan was driving me home; not understanding the rules of krimbe; not having a digital camera with me to take pics of everything
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