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suicide girl

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[05 Jul 2003|09:42am]
forgive and forget. how simple words can seem whilst conveying something much more powerful than all of the greatest words in the world combined. that something is called emotion. to say 'i forgive you.' is not the hard part of forgiveness. the hard part is truly forgiving another person inside and that takes a long time. while we take our stops, life goes on and for me, i'm way behind.
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[05 Jul 2003|09:25am]
i have been disillusioned all of my life. i can't trust people anymore. no one is what they seem. the true image of a person is their reflection in a broken mirror; shattered images with their blood dripping from the sharp, jagged edges of tainted glass. they poison everyone with their bloody lies. and when people find out, they will never look at that person in the same way again.
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unwanted awakening [05 Jul 2003|09:16am]
[ mood | distressed ]

the tears have stopped flowing but i'm still crying inside. i don't want to shed more water. it doesn't do me any good. just makes my eyes all puffy. it doesn't make the screaming go away. just makes it more unbearable. but sometimes that's all that you can do, even though you don't want to. explained myself, told about all the shit, they still don't get it. i'm not perfect. i don't want to be. i don't care. no one's there and everyone that is, eventually walks out and forgets it all. still clinging to all the good memories. well, what's left anyways. my heart is bleeding, yet i'm not giving up so soon. i just want to fucking live before i die.

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so happi, yet so glum.. [10 May 2003|11:18am]
[ mood | morose ]
[ music | "Fly Me To The Moon" by Whitney Smith ; n other jazz songs ]

today was the day that i have been waiting for all week and now that it's here i'm happy yet so moody for some reason. so many things happened today and i was trying to enjoy all of it, but something was holding me back. anyways, here's what happened:

the hockey game

it's strange how things tend to look so differently during the day and at night. the last time i went to see a roller hockey game at jamestown, it was at night and there were very few people around; so when i got there today, i was a little confuzzled ya know?

everything was exceedingly bright and there were tons of people there; spectating and playing a variety of sports. there was a point when i thought that i was at the wrong place, but i remembered andy saying that there were soccer fields and baseball fields around, so that was reassuring.

i finally [FINALLY!] found the outdoor hockey arena and caught a glimpse of andy. he was lookin good in his uniform; red helmet, white jersey, black hockey pants with red and white designs on the side, new skates, and [of course] the andy smile.

i saw the big brother-ish side of him that people subconsciously know is there, but just don't quite see at play. he seemed to be watching out for every player on his team; always being there to back them up and encourage them when they needed it. it was sOo.. great.

would've/could've/should've cheered louder than the enthusiastic mom that was blowing the horn and stuff [which was pretty funny], but instead i sorta just stood alone on one side of the fence and watched the game quietly. i was misplaced; there alone, didn't know anyone, didn't really.. belong, i guess. still feeling guilty about not saying anything.

spent the morning contemplating on whether or not i should even go to the game cause of the overall state of depression i am and have been in this entire week. constantly thinking 'here i am. should i be here?' while i'm there and then thinking 'should i have gone?' after it. it sucks when your mood doesn't match what you want to feel or "should be" feeling. i decided to go to "support a good friend" but that didn't really happen since i didn't cheer whatsoever.

i'm happy for one thing about going though; and that was getting to see andy. i don't know why, but seeing andy smile really lifts up my spirits. he is my sunshine. what is it with boys and their smiles/grins/and anything else they have or do that just makes you feel good? if any female has discovered the reason for this, puleez enlighten me.

mowing the lawn whilst being cooked in the sun

got home and looking in the mirror [how i dread doing that] confirmed that i received my unwanted tan for today. yay.. not. u should've heard my disappointed sigh. it was very down. then comes in my mom who really, really, really wants to brighten up my day, so she tells me to go mow the lawn.. ah gee, thanx mom. there is no shade and it's over 90 degrees out there! her excuse for not doing it herself: i don't understand all of the words on the lawnmower, so i don't know how to work it. wtf!? why do you even have to read all that's on it?

krimbe behind food lion; happy garden; barnes and noble

ryan and laura picked me up at 5. ryan told me and laura that when he saw my dad he thought that he was going to kill him, but then my mom walked out and he realized that it wasn't my dad he was afraid that would kill him, it was my mom. she was standing by the door behind my dad and as ryan put it "i wasn't getting it off of your dad, i was getting it off of your mom. i was feeling her bad aura reflect off of him.'

on our way to food lion, we passed a dead bird on the road and that made laura really sad. i didn't see it, but it's sad when things get run over. food lion was in sight and who did we see? OSCAR WILDE! LOL j/k it was JOHN! he was looking sharp in his formal prom wear; white long sleeve formal shirt thing, black slacks, fancy rental shoes, and this green vest and tie. and he was running behind the car! it was so hilariously cool. after we got out, john gave me a hug, anna and stephen arrived and ryan went over the complicated rules of krimbe. fareed arrived a little bit later after that.

anna proved to be the most righteous female krimbe enthusiast. me and laura? i resided as "krimbe ball retriever" and laura just made sure that she was standing in "da box." we didn't understand it at all and ryan making up some more rules as the games went along wasn't helping us out either. out of around the 10 games that we played, laura scored 0 points and i scored 4 and i don't know how i did it. stephen, ryan, and john were totally kicking everyone's asses. i spent 5 minutes during one game dancing with john or rather we just took each other hands like we were going to dance and stepped around in circles. lol it was funny.

a little more toying with the yellow smiley face ball; a little more confusion; a little more rules added to krimbe later,..
we went to food lion and bought a corsage for john to give to becky ledford and 2 giant cherry lollipops for laura and me. then we went to the happy garden chinese restaurant.

we were waiting for john and becky to come before we ordered but they were taking a really long time so we ordered and started eating. i ate half of laura's sesame chicken and 1/4 of my egg drop soup. becky and john finally got there and becky looked amazing! i had just put this huge piece of sesame chicken in my mouth, but i wanted to tell becky that she looked awesome so i did. it sounded something like, 'breffky yroo wrook beauter-wiff-full.' she was wearing this long lavender dress. john and becky looked like a nice pair.

my highlight of the entire time we were there: the ice cubes in my large wine glass thing of iced tea. they were so cool looking and i wanted to take a picture of my glass so bad, but i didn't have a camera. i kept asking fareed to clink glasses with me so that i could watch the ice move.

we left the happy garden all full and went back to where we played krimbe to just goof around and do nothing in particular. stephen and anna left for the prom and then fareed left, so it was just laura, ryan, john, becky, and me. we goofed around some more and took pictures. laura got a couple of john and ryan posing as jack kerouac and neal cassidy on the cover of on the road and then i got spiffy shots of john and ryan singing and dancing to bruce springsteen! it was so FUCKING HILARIOUS! by the end of the song john went and took becky's hand and they waltzed to his car and off to the prom and we said a million goodbyes before they actually left.

ryan took laura and me to barnes and noble and we checked out the postcards and walked around. i was sprawled on the carpet with a lot of books, flipping through the pages of photography albums under the photography section while laura and ryan were sitting with each other in embrace on the winnie the pooh stage in the children's section. ryan was trying to convince laura to go into this makeout session with him right there to see if anyone would kick them out. way to scare the kids you guys.

it was way past time for me to be home. all ryan knew was that laura had to be home by 9 and i didn't tell him that i told my mom i'll be home by 8. i didn't want to tell him and get him to cut everything short. my mom called me and kept on talking and wouldn't shut up and i was saying 'i'll be home in a little bit.' repeatedly to her, trying to make it so that no one around could hear. laura came up and put her hand on my shoulder and i look up and see ryan. i hung up on my mom b/c i didn't want to hear her voice and say anything anymore for fear that i would choke on my words and start crying. she makes me feel guilty.

on the ride home, only ryan and laura talked and argued and i was sitting in the back playing with ryan's bouncy ball. i was almost completely quiet the whole way and there were tears in my eyes but i brushed them away before ryan and laura saw. i don't know why i was crying. and i didn't want to go home. home.. is it really my home?

ryan pulled into my driveway. i gave him the yellow bouncy ball and let him hold my hand and then i hugged laura twice and they left. i was "home."

3 showers in 1 day

one before going to andy's game b/c of this subconscious feeling that i reaked of the smell of bathroom cleaner.

one after getting back home and mowing the lawn b/c i didn't like the sticky feeling.

one after getting back home from hanging out with ryan, laura, stephen, anna, john, and fareed b/c krimbe made me all sweaty and sticky again and i was d!RRty.

my mom
my.. mother. i usually don't give her enough credit. she's not always that bad, but it usually is that she can be terribly unreasonable and cold. when andy asked me if my mom or dad was there at the game, i said no and this sad feeling came over me. i love my mom and i think she loves me, too, even though it doesn't really seem like it. she's just not good at displaying it.

hopeless and inexperienced romantic
boys. i don't want to think about them. i don't want to have crushes. i don't want anything that leads up to the word "relationship" but somehow that's all that keeps coming to my mind. and then when a guy asks me out, i freak out and am thoroughly shocked. i'm scared of this whole "relationship" bit. fuck human nature.

yays of today:
seeing andy; dancing err.. spinning around in circles with john; giant cherry lollipop; cool-looking ice in my glass of tea; seeing becky in a dress!; taking great pics of john and ryan singing and dancing to springsteen and then john taking becky by the hand and waltzing her to his car; going to barnes and noble

mehs of today:
cleaning, cause cleaning always sucks; not being able to fully enjoy today; the sad feeling that poured over me when i answered no to andy's question about whether either of my parents were at the game and when my eyes watered while ryan was driving me home; not understanding the rules of krimbe; not having a digital camera with me to take pics of everything

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qUizZy time.. [stolen from dave; who also stole it!] [06 May 2003|09:54am]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | nothing at the moment ]

The Survey/Quiz Thinger I Stole From Dave Meloni

Birthdate: January 28, 1988
Birthplace: Silver Spring, Maryland
Current Location: High Point, North Carolina
Eye Color: deep brown rimmed with black
Hair Color: raven black
Righty or Lefty: Righty
Zodiac Sign: Aquarius
Innie or Outtie: Innie
series two - describe
Your heritage: asian decent; laos, china, thailand
The shoes you wore today: old skate shoes that tore off the skin on my heel OOOUCH!
Your hair: down to half of my waist; black; straight/wavy; natural
Your eyes: deep brown rimmed with black; almond/half moon-shaped
Your weakness?: procrastination
Your fears: porcelain dolls; they freak the hell outta me!
Your perfect pizza: tasty; delicious; lots of cheese
One thing you'd like to achieve: reach my inner self-enlightenment
Your most overused phrase on aol\aim: "heh” or “lol”
Your thoughts first waking up: ‘I don’t wanna *throws blanket over head*’
The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: [same as dave’s answer] Eyes/Smile
Your best physical features: I am not beautiful.
Your bedtime: 12 pm - 2 am
Your greatest accomplishment: I suck at everything
Your best memory: can’t choose
// series five - do you
Smoke: no; smoking is stupid
Curse: FUCK YOU!
Sing well: yeah, in the shower
Take a shower everyday: yes
Want to go to college: yes
Like high school: sometimes I do; sometimes I don’t
Want to get married: yes one day
Type with your fingers on the right keys: that’s what I’m doing right now, isn’t it?
Believe in yourself: sometimes
Get motion sickness: sometimes
Think you're attractive: no; definitely not.
Think you're a health freak: no
Get along with your parents: mother= hell no, father = sometimes
Like thunderstorms: yes; I love the sound of heavy droplets of rain pounding against everything, the way the air smells sweet and seems fresher, hearing the sky rumble, and watching the amazing streaks of lightning in the sky
Play an instrument: nope; but I really want to play the drums
// series six - in the past month, did/have you
Drank alcohol: nope nope nope
Smoke(d): no; I told you! Smoking is stupid!
Done a drug: yeah, like tylenol
Made Out: who would wanna make out with me?
Go on a date: nope
Go to the mall?: yes
Been on stage: yes
Been dumped: no
Gone skating: yes
Made homemade cookies: *mMmMmm* COoKies
Been in love: I am 15.
Gone skinny dipping: no, but maybe someday *LOL*
Dyed your hair: no, but I might dye the bottom 3 inches of my black hair blue
Stolen anything: no
// series seven - have you ever?
Played a game that required removal of clothing?: yes
If so, was it mixed company: uh…next question
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: no; stop asking me drug-related questions!
Been caught "doing something": jigga wha?
Been called a tease: no
Gotten beaten up: yeah, by my parents
Shoplifted: no
If so, did you get caught: no
Changed who you were to fit in: no; I tried to once, but I didn’t like it; I’ll always be me.
// series eight - the future
Age you hope to be married: whenever its that time
Numbers and Names of Children: *thinks about the pain of giving birth*… I don’t know if I wanna have children or not, but if I do 2 or less; boy’s name = chad; girl’s name = ? but her middle name will be rose
Describe your Dream Wedding: I don’t know!
What age do you want to die: “…”
What do you want to be when you grow up: something that I can wake up and be happy doing
What country would you most like to visit: I want to explore the world!
Current Clothes: black roxy t-shirt and overgrown blue shorts
Current Mood: bored
Current Taste: nothing
Current Hair: *mMmMmM* smells like strawberries and cream *sniffs*
Current Annoyance: boredom
Current Smell: my hair
Current thing you ought to be doing: homework; but I’m probably going to end up doing it tomorrow morning and in the classes before the classes the assignments are due
Current Desktop Picture: don’t know; keeps on changing
Current Favorite Groups: too many; don’t feel like typing them all right now
Current Book: Great Expectations by Charles Dickens [for h eng] I read it in the 6th grade, don’t wanna read it again, but hafta
Current VCR In Player: nothing
Current Worry: making anything lower than a B on my report card


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K!SS ME FOoH! [03 May 2003|11:46am]
[ mood | crazy ]
[ music | propaghandi: anti manifesto; and all of stephen's lyrics ^_^ ]

summary: wild day
bad driving [on purpose]; no job; skateboard[-ers ; ) or -ing]; donating money for helping little kids; krispy kreme doughnuts + coffee; sick mexican construction workers; and screaming son-of-a-bitch! at everything *hEh*

wow!!! today has been so incredibly awesome!! bk and i were suppose to be at the library at 12, so i left the house around 11:30. i drove.. with my mother as the supervising "experienced" driver. *lightning streaks; pipe organ music: DUN. DUN. DUN.* hEh. yeah.. it was pretty bad. i did everything wrong on purpose. i know it was evil of me, but i couldn't help myself. it was my outburst of hidden rage and i was laughing off all the mistakes i made. somehow, i didn't feel any remorse. i still don't. devil horns are growing from my head right about... now. *manic laughter*

umm.. well, i got my mother to the library with all of her body parts and mine as well, no scratches on the truck, and no ticket. bk got there [with chase and trenton] about 10 minutes after i did. i saved bk from her um.. yeah. lol. and we were battling with the staff photocopier to print out flyers. that thing [photocopier] is so fucking screwed. it took us about half and hour to get it to work right.

after we had all the flyers copied and cutted, we went back down and handed some out and looked at all the tables. i was rejected all of the jobs, but one, cause i'm not 16. the one job was scorekeeper for games.. whoopee. but i just filled out a resume and the dude that gave me the resume didn't seem to like me, so.. lol. oh well.

linda and chels came and chels filled out a resume for the cold stone creamery. i wanted to work there, but when i said i was 15 the dude immediately went 'oh i'm sorrie, check with us next year.' i was thinking 'damn. fine then, mister! u just missed out on me being in ur fantastic singing staff of ice cream making people! sucks for u man!!'

right after that, linda, chels, bk, and i walked to planet hardwear [PH] to watch this skateboarding competition. bk and i went across first and waited a while for linda and chels to get across. some dude made a kissy face at chelsea. she was a little freaked out by that. hEh.

the sk8 comp at PH was okay, but kinda boring at first, so chels and linda left for the battle of the bands and bk and i walked over to krispy kreme to get our free doughnuts and small coffees. there were two ladies in front of KKD collecting donations to help little kids and i donated $2. i helped some old ladies with putting cream in their coffees and opened the doors for all these people. me so sweet! lol.

luckily, i didn't have a coffee disaster this time and my coffee didn't taste bad. i think it's cause i poured out 1/4 of it and poured in a lot of cream and added at least 15 packs of sugar.. which *goes in giggling fit*
we were just walking past these buildings through the parking lot and we hear "LOOK AT THAT!!!" and when we looked up at one of the buildings we saw at least 15 mexican construction workers run to the edge of the roof and start whistling and shouting at us. i told bk to run, but we had hot coffee in our hands so we were forced to walk rapidly. they didn't take their eyes off of us tell we were out of sight. it was scary. crazy mexican perverts.

we finally got back to planet hardwear and started watching the skateboarding again. i called andy's house like 10 times, only to get my ear drums blown out by his damned phone. it kept making this streaking modem sound.

there was this cute skateboarder in a red shirt there. i pointed him out to bk and then started thinking 'hmm.. i'm kinda hungry.' and realized that i had a doughnut. i finished my coffee before we got there so i just started chowing on my cinnamon-powdered jelly-filled doughnut. *mMMMmMm..* bk looked at me and goes, 'oh, yeah, jona. that is so attractive.' i just kept on chowing down. some jelly spilled onto my jeans and i made the point of eating it. *HaHa*

there was this other guy there that me and bk recognized from the library. he was announcing the event. i think he recognized us cause he looked over at us a few times. he was watching us do stuff around the library one day when he was there. i'm usually not the type of person that likes people based on looks, but he is really really whoa. bk couldn't stop giggling everytime she saw him. that dude made us all giddy.

i went into PH and bought a dress on sale for $10 before leaving. there weren't any dressing rooms and i slipped it over my shirt and bk said it fit so i bought it. little did we both know, when i tried it out at home it turns it that it comes 5 inches below my ass. here was bk's response: it wasn't short at the store! lol. she's such a goofball. i'm going to cut up the dress and turn it into a tankini.

my mom picked us up at 4:30 and i made sure to ask her if i could drive.. heh. she said no and commenced in teaching me how to drive using a harsh, ugly sounding tone of voice. i was laughing in the backseat. when we got to my house, bk and i went flowboarding for a little bit until it started raining. it was fun.

right now, i'm talking to stephen. he's a sophomore at school. i met him like 2-3 weeks ago. he's a pretty cool dude. i'm always bored at home and he lessens the bull load of boredom by reciting neat song lyrics to me. i don't know if he believes me or not, but i actually do read everything he types. i'm surprised anyone would want to talk to someone as boring as me. if this is stephen i want to say: THANK YOU MAN!

i'm also talking to trevor at the moment. he is a really wonderful guy, but he doesn't see it. i wish i can open up his eyes to the fact that he is not alone.

wow, i typed a whole lot of shit. my fingers are getting tired now so i'm going to go on my road trip to dreamland. till next time, buh*byez!

p.s. leave comments!

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