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5th August 2003
there's been so much going on in my head....i have such self image issues.....i constantly feel fat..i feel as if i am always eating which isn't far from the truth......i guess tomorrow will be day one...day one of my new life...things can't go on like they have been....its just they can't.....school starts in three weeks.....i want it to come, but yet i need time to get to that place where i am ready for it....i went and hung out with my friends this past weekend and it dawned on me that i have some of the best friends a gurl could have and i also realized i have been fooled by a lot of people too.....but thats how it goes...you pick a handful of people to love and some hurt you and others love you back even more so than you ever dreamed.....and its about taking your fears and putting them aside and getting bad and good......but hopefully the good overrides the bad.......you just gotta put your heart into things or you'll never get anywhere.....i miss people...there's such a life and an identity that goes along with school......i like it though....in the summer i feel so see thru...so invisible as if i am no one....maybe i become no one in the summer....for i am basically the only one who is around me, so i am the only one who defines myself....i am guessing this is all ramble...all ramble that i haven't been able to tell anyone....its weird...i pretend to be someone else.....so people won't see me, when really, to me, the real me is the best...i find myself hilarious..and i think i am intelligent but yet i just have that on going fear that no one else will share the same thoughts.......i have no love interest...i mean i flirt and i daydream....but i have no real interest in anyone......i am more interested in myself right now..and sometimes thats where your heart's gotta be....and thats exactly where it is.....at least for the time being..... :
19th July 2003
I Am Leaving For Camp Tomorrow
okay tomorrow is camp..i am so scared..i mean i am petrified....but yet i am more scared of staying here.....staying here within this house...the house of horrors...the house of food......and not just food..but of nothing....i feel like sitting here and just rotting away..... :
i guess i am always waiting for tomorrow to come.....i am nothing..i have never been anything...thats all i could think tonight..i mean i have never had such threatening thoughts go thru my head..i mean i had this unexplainable hate for myself.....in my eyes, i am weak and i am pitiful..i deserve no one......i am selfish and self absorbed..i am ugly and fat.....i am fake...i am pretend..i am an image i made up in my mind and the image is starting to malfunction.....i am realizing i was never anything....somehow i convinced people to love me....i fooled them as well as myself....god..i hate hating myself......its exhausting....its self-destructive.....its the thing that makes me never want to wake up.....
maybe camp will be good...anything will be better than this....
13th July 2003
You Can Take Your Cake, And Shove It Up Your Ass
he wants to try to convince me that what he did to me was okay and that i should be happy he even bothered with me......basically i went to my friend asking him for help...i just feel so nonexistant lately and so i went to the boy who is always claiming he doesn't feel and that hes never happy....i thought he could maybe explain things to me.....plus i, stupid i know, still feel the need to go to him when i feel weak.......so i went and we ended up getting into this big metaphorical arguement about giving everyone cakes.....see his arguement was that he doesn't have to be happy to make others happy..and then he went on about cakes..about how if he gives everyone a cake that they'll all be happy and all will be good.and i started in on the arguement that if you give everyone a cake, that the cake won't appear so special..and he goes on to say that they should be happy they got a cake.....yeah well the gurl who was told that she was the most amazing angelic gurl that he has ever met got the same cake as everyone else and wasn't happy..and for some reason i think i was totally justified to not be happy with this assembly line gift....it made me feel worthless and replacable....which i found out i was....if i was just a nobody to him, i would of preferred him to not feed me bullshit along with his oh so important cake.. :
i started running yesterday..at tops, a half a mile...it killed...its so sad..but it killed...i am so used to being in such better shape than this...but lets face it..things change...so i'll run my half a mile every day til it doesn't hurt and then i'll start running a mile until that doesn't hurt......and so on.....you get the gist of it...
i love this journal..sometimes i forget that no one i know looks at this...not a single soul that is in my life knows anything about this...this is mine...for once this is mine...i don't have to censor myself the least.....
why do i still want him....seriously...i don't think i do..and i of course am telling myself that i just want him cuz i need someone to want and that i am lonely...but i just did this..and somehow i made it work....i made things go my way..the way that they were going in my head....i made my little fantasy happen....even though it wasn't perfect, the fact that i made that happen seems so surreal....and the fact that i might be able to make it happen again seems somewhat sinful....i should stay away from that..and him..and my thoughts....my thoughts get me no where but trouble......
7th July 2003
and just breathe....
i hate this..i hate me....i hate everything but yet i feel so much hope...maybe its just who i am..this hopeful individual who hates herself.....tomorrow i am gonna clean..and by clean we mean dust and vacuum and spray stuff on things and scrub...i am gonna throw away things that i don't need..i am gonna clean my life out....i am gonna wake up and i am gonna take a shower....i am sick of feeling sick and gross and tied down..i am the only one dragging along here....what happened to me....something had to of...i don't even see anything when i look at myself....i see thru me....before at least i was in pain or i was scared or i was hurt or i was angry..i was at least something....something with a shape and a form and a reflection.......i don't want him or him or that other him..i just want to feel what they bestill in me.....hope..anger..love...confusion...happiness....life..i want to feel alive..and its time i get up and live....i have been saying this and that for this whole summer now..and its time i live.....i really live....and i take responsibility over who i am....and what i do.....i am going to be matter when this is all done...i am gonna have a reflection when i am thru.....don't give up on me just yet.....theres still life left in this cold body....and i am the only one who can bring myself to life....i am thru with living for them or him..or even for the hope of a future him.....i need myself....and thats all that there is to it when it comes down to it.....autumn..amanda...amanda.....i loved them but i still lost them.....i still love them but that doesn't make them any less gone......jesse...charlie.....i couldn't be what you wanted or needed or maybe it just wasn't a good fit but i love you regardless of what made us not work......i'll never be what you want, but i'll never give up on you..and not in the way that i'll never give up on being with you but in the way that i'll always believe in you and always be here for you.....anything you need, i'll give it to you even if i am without because of it....and jesse...i'll forever be here...i mean seriously..i'll never lose track of you...i'll write you and i'll make sure you are doing wonderful things with your life...because you are wonderful and your life should reflect who you are and what you are....and i think you deserve so much.....you are one of the best friends i have ever had in my life....you've never left my side even when i became a monster.......and that is unrepayable.....and for my friends....the few that are still here.....i love you for loving me...i know its hard and i am unbearable at times but you are giving me this huge gift...of more than just friendship....but of security and hope........ :
i live by these words:
"And here I am poised above with my
arms spread flying and there are halos of
light spinning out of us and yes this is me
becoming holy human and my own self."
5th July 2003
I Miss You
by that, i mean, myself.....i am sick of starving myself...instead of doing that and then just binging later, probably gaining more weight than i would if i wasn't on any diet at all...i decided to take care of myself..i am gonna still limit my food intake but no to the point of insanity.....i am gonna start playing bball....something i love to do and that i enjoy and that gets me results and makes me feel good about myself....i am gonna take good care of myself..cuz when it comes down to it..its all about me....i am never gonna be happy unless i really care about me.....i am gonna concentrate on college(even though i am only a junior this upcoming year)....i am gonna read and write and do stuff that i love..i am gonna work on my body...but its not gonna be everything...cuz in the end, i want there to be more to me than just a skinny body..i want to have a good mind and a better understanding of myself........i think that some of our minds are anorexic.......we spend so much time on calories and dieting.....that we forget who we are and we forget to educate ourselves on things other than whats going into our body and we lose what we were fighting to show off in the beginning...at least thats the case with myself.....not giving up..just revising my plan....gotta get smart sometime.... :
29th June 2003
And God Said, "Let There Be Light!"
i should be doing better but..... :
-a few diet pepsi's
-kix(like half a serving)-60
-salad w/ff dressing-110
haven't really gotten to the salad yet....but i am gonna stay home i guess....while my parents go to my cousin's birthday party.....i went to church which was my big getting out of the house thing today(i try to do that every day so i don't go stir crazy and eat a whole load of shit).......tomorrow i don't really have any plans but thats good...cuz tuesday i am gonna go to the metro park with my family and go on a bike ride.....wednesday i gotta go to my gyno(fun!!!) and maybe go see Legally Blonde 2(if one of my friends are free).....thursday, i want to wash my car and such..and maybe make plans for the 4th(which is the very next day, good luck with that).....then friday is the forth....i don't know....hmmm....don't know about that holiday..last time i had a lot of fun when i went to some friends of a friend's house....they had fireworks and food and a huge pond, and the whole sha-bang......but you know..things change....i am not nearly as happy with myself as i was last year so i am sorta making myself pay by not really trying to be social...i mean i'll ask a friend to go to the movies with me...which we have done like twice in the last five days but i don't go to too much trouble to get out and be around people.....i haven't talked to any of my gurlfriends in so long....i miss them....and their gurly companionship......sometimes boys aren't all the rage, although i love them more dearly than i have ever loved myself(which gets back to why i need to lose this, so i can get back to me)....i hate me.....when i am alone i realize this..and let me tell you something...i have been alone for so long.....i have three weeks til i go to sr high camp.....i don't wanna think about my fat body.....i want to think about letting God back in my life.......and letting new people in........i don't wanna be scared to wear shorts..i don't wanna see other gurls and look back at myself and thing, god youre fat.......i am so sick of having so much hatred for this body i am stuck in..this body that i have created........but arent we all......
22nd June 2003
For Some Reason...Starting Over Is Easier
i thought, oh god, now i have to go back to eating nothing and constantly exercising after my two day break.....but actually its easier than it was before..probably cuz i realized i need to have something to do..so i have been reading...books are like cigerettes to me....i can just read one right after the other...and of course, barnes and noble is my santuary.......once i get a job, things will be a lot easier...i am 17 years old..i should be able to get a job.....hmm..i guess i can go fill out an application for our local grocery store while i am uptown getting more books....i sound like a geek but hmm..i guess i am...this is my summer to be a total nerd....but of course a nerd with a great body...we can only hope..... :
Current Mood: accomplished
18th June 2003
What A Long Week
What I Consumed: :
-12 fishsticks-560 calories
-lots and lots of water-notta single calorie
Tony Little workout, 40 of each exercise
it feels like its been forever but its only been about a week.....
17th June 2003
This All Gets Tiring
What I Ate: :
-half a bagel-105
-a bowl of macaroni&cheese-ugh-780
-danced around my room for like a half an hour
-did all my tummy and leg exercises...i'll do em again later
-play with the dog outside
16th June 2003
We Like To Call This Monday
What I Had To Eat: :
breakfast-3/4 cup of Fruity Pebbles-110
lunch-like three grapes-5
dinner-the tinniest piece of grilled chicken-100
tony little's videos-twice each
played outside with my dog like for an hour
*i have so much faith in this all*
His Bags Are Packed, Hes Ready To Leave
hes my best friend.....and i love him to death but hes not suppose to be my boyfriend anymore.....that was two years ago...when we were innocent.....but that is no more...so we said goodbye....well at least in that manner, but we are still friends..good friends.....we will always be in one another's lives and i can never tell anyone exactly how much that means to me.....hes held my hand through so much in so many ways.....hes the one person that'll never leave :
jesse-okay, i'll talk to you later, okay?
me-oh..k.....jjjesse.....i love you
jesse-i love you too, and i always will, don't ever forget that
15th June 2003
I Am Gonna Be A SuperModel!
2 hours of tony little video's
*and tomorrow i'll do even better*
14th June 2003
The Last Three Days
dinner-little piece of grilled chicken
dinner-(uhh...)a little chicken, a little macaroni salad, a roll, and a few tiny potatoes
*gotta do better, i have to*
Current Mood: blah
Current Music: "All Apologies" -Nirvana
3rd June 2003
Charlie: So, what does it feel like to be 17? :
Me: It feels like I wanna be 15 again......
jesse was always the love of my life...or maybe he was just the love of my adolescent years....i haven't really figured it out....i guess i have to fully grow up to know what he is to me....if hes just a childhood love..some perfect being who in my mind will remain perfect for the rest of my life...or if he was perfection then and now he is real and well is growing up with me....it takes time..that is what i told him.....but i just want to know now...i miss him when hes not around but when hes around, i find myself talking to guys, wondering if they might be the one......i never did that before......i would look thru guys, finding in them nothing that even began to compare to what jesse had.....but was that really healthy...or was it just extremely childish...with charlie...i don't know....it was fear...from the first kiss, to the last time i plead with him to try to make us work.....but a long time ago, there was no fear with jesse.....i looked at him, and i saw a guarenteed promise of happiness...he has stuck by my side.....for so long and i by his side....i don't know...this all seems so confusing....its not the same....and i told him that it shouldn't be, that we have grown up and that things change but ya know....its just too bad that you can't always have that perfect innocent and sweet relationship with the boy of your dreams anymore.....you hit a certain age and well.....you gotta grow up sometime......i guess i just don't want to....
28th May 2003
I Am Coming Home To You..I Am Alive, I Am A Mess...
so today was good...well not really good..good is an overstatement..more like better..yes better is the word i'll chose to use.... :
I stuck this shit in my body:
lunchable:well actually only the crackers and the cheese
2 hot dogs
some mac and cheese
its a lot....i know...but of course i did a million situps...i really want my tummy to be gone....well actually i want the fat part of it to be gone and then i want a little(not a lot!) but a little shape to it....i want my legs to not be all stupid.....they aren't horribley fat...they have a little bit of muscle left from track but eh.....they are too embarrasing to wear shorts with..well at least according to me, and well according to me is all that matters to me so yeah.......i'll probably just sit and do a zillion more situps tonight while i watch some shitty tv show.....normally i like to listen to music but then i stop after the song is done and stretch and then i get lazy so i like to just keep going and going..then by the end, i am so tired that i just fall asleep..i have been having troubles sleeping lately...i think its cuz of stress...my period fucks up when i am stressed so yeah...its a pretty good chance that stress is what is giving me all these restless nights....i don't like planning ahead...like thinking to myself this is what i am gonna eat tomorrow because my mom is the one who makes dinner...she is a diet maniac so she always makes all this shit for her to eat(i know its healthy and probably not that fattening, but its nasty) and then she makes all this yummy stuff for me and my dad.....i wish she could find a happy medium...but its my mom, so yeah that probably won't happen......hhmmm..well lets just pretend i can stick with whatever i say i am gonna eat....tomorrow i am planning on chowing down on: lunchable(just the cheese and crackers), diet pepsi, 6in sub(turkey, mayo, lettuce), diet pepsi........thats it folks...i know this is horrible..while you all go on your fasts..i am sitting around eating pretty well....but this is what i plan on....first i'll start slowly reducing my food intake(i have to, coldturkey just backfires on me).....and i'll slowly start to increase my exercise....sometime in june i plan to fast....my goals...i do have goals...i just am scared to face up to em cuz i don't wanna not meet them but since i feel safe here....i'll tell you.....short term goal(we are talking around the end of june, beginning of july)-130 lbs......long term goal(by the time school starts, end of august)- 120 lbs........i will keep working on it too....but thats what i am asking of myself at the time being.....i know i could be skinnier than 120 because i am only 5'5" but i just want to take it slow..i want to be beautiful....to my standards....i don't want to hurt my body in the process though...there are people that would know if i went quickly into this....these are not excuses..these are facts...and oh my god..i just wrote the longest journal entry ever...i am out....
27th May 2003
Not To Be Completely Obvious
i got a deadjournal which i have been rambling in for a year now, but everyone goes there all the time, and i have become sort of censored in a way to i don't know..save myself from being bugged about the feelings i am experiencing and the things that i have done...its no longer mine..its theirs and although i do still write in it from time to time....it no longer feels like a safe place...my voice feels smothered by my fear of being figured out, i don't want them to know that i am human....stupid, i know...but i would rather be seen as someone who is rather put together..who has control of her feelings and of her actions....i love these people but i don't want to burden them with the pain that comes along with being me.....plus even though they are always there for me, i am afraid if they get to see deep inside, and hear my cries, they will just say, stop your bitching....because well sometimes i tell myself that.....i don't know..i just want it to be okay for me to not be perfect and to openly hurt....without being judged.....well you may judge if you want......its human nature.....i just don't want the people that i see every day and that mean the world to me to see me as a monster....its bad enough i see myself as one...... :
Current Mood: content
Current Music: "Girl's Not Grey" -AFI