| I've stepped in deeper puddles |
[09 Sep 2007|02:11pm] |
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mood |
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 pensive |
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It is just so sad. I wish I was vapid. Honestly. I wish I was a bubble headed barbie doll & could go & live at the playboy mansion & just be shallow.
Feeling so much, and truly wrappping my brain around life is so misrible. I want life to be simple & neat & tidy & fun. The reality is that life is messy. And btw, being a good person totally SUCKS! I want to be selfish & awful & just make myself happy. I want to punish people who are mean to me. I want to ignore the dull and ignorant. But I know I can't. I know when I do shallow things I am wrong & that no good can ever really come out of it.
I thought my idenity was wrapped up in what I look like. That is such a limiting illusion. If I'm not the thinnest person in the room, or if I'm not wearing the cutest outfit, I am still me. And just who is that going to be?? What kind of a person am I? Will I forgive? Will I show kindness? Will I endure the dull & ignorant? Will I be generous? Someone said that the person you are when you become a parent is usually the version you stick with. I hope I always evolve & grow, but this version of me right now - is pretty darned important. I want to get it right. Even though getting it right takes a lot of work & is nowhere near as much fun as being vapid. I wish I could put on a party dress & jump into a bottle of champagne & just not care. But I do care.
I have to live in the moment & make it count. Even if the moment is dull, or tedious, scary or painful. People die. Life hurts. Your heart sometimes aches beyond the telling of it. There is only peace in letting it all go, putting it in God's hands & trusting he knows what he's doing. And that is just so bloody hard to do - because I want to be in control. I want everything to be perfect & sparkling & painless & fun. Trust is the answer to finding peace, but it is so hard to walk toward that. Fear is the enemy. Fear will keep me from self-actualization. Fear will make me dead inside thinking I can insulate myself from harm. You can't. The Buddhists' First Noble Truth states: Suffering and sorrow are part of life. My own faith tradition implores me to pick up my cross & follow the teacher. How you handle suffering defines you.
But I just want to get my nails done & go shopping!!!!! I just want to run away from all this deep stuff & hide in my frivolous American psyche. Life just won't let me. It keeps beckoning me forward on this journey, emploring me to evolve, to be a better version of myself than I was yesterday.
Two steps forward. *cheers*
One step back. *sigh*
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