| Re-evaluating |
[17 Dec 2006|06:27pm] |
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mood |
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 pensive |
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Weight has just become a super boring issue for me. If I look good in my clothes - I am happy. I fit in some size 2 some size 4. That is thin. I'm not getting on that effing scale. I'll do pilates cause it makes me look & feel good. I'm more interested in what kind of a person I am. Am I being genuine? Am I doing good things with my life? Time is going by too fast. Am I making the most of it? Music makes me happy. Writing makes me happy. Being creative makes me happy. I am saving up my money so I can quit my job & go back to writing music full time. I want a baby. I don't want to be 40 years old and still be living someone else's idea of perfect. No matter how messy or incomprehensible it gets to the casual observer - this is my life. I'm going to do things my way. Weight has been my focus because I refused to deal with the bigger issues. No more. It is thin & healthy for real because I'm going to take care of myself for wellness & not for vanity. (Tough call b/c vanity has been my drug of choice for a damn long time.) Some day my looks will fade & if I'm a vapid bore then there won't be anything good left & I'll be one of those plastic people who tries to buy happiness. That's just gross. Counting calories cannot be the reason God put me on this earth. I have to face the stuff that is underneath my ED if I'm ever going to get better.
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