| GETTING BACK ON TRACK |
[23 Nov 2006|11:31am] |
REading fashion magazine is a terrible trigger for me. I remember that I'd rather look good than eat. Anorexia lives in my head. I've caged it in a corner, but it still lives there.
I will not go back to doctors & needles & hospitals. Just the thought of the smell of those places makes me want to stay well.
I want to have a healthy baby someday. Just the thought of that little life that I lost makes me want to stay well.
I only have one life. I don't want to spend it being unhappy with who I am. I just want to be well.
The whole holiday season is giving me major stress. I need to stay planned & focused. Otherwise it is "EAt at the party today & don't eat tomorrow". & That leads to gaining - NOT losing. My metabolism is priority #2. Priority #1 is getting healthy food into this body. I go weeks without a fruit or a veggie & it is just madness. My job & my stress level defaeat my plans & I can't let them. I need to make ME & my HEALTH priority #1!!!!!!!!!!!
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| 20 |
[23 Nov 2006|12:06pm] |
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mood |
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 optimistic |
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music |
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INXS "THIS TIME" |
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1) I am never boring (bored - but NEVER borING)
2) I have a tremendous amount of fashion sense.
3) I am smart & never try to pretend that I'm not.
4) I write great songs.
5) I am in recovery from an eating disorder
6) I can order dinner in Paris & not get laughed at.
7) I am a REALLY loyal friend.
8) I won't lie to you - unless you want me to.
9) God loves me. Even though there are days when I really don't deserve it.
10) I know more about EPL Football & hockey than most boys.
11) I notice things like dragonflies & the first daffodil
12) I sing loud in church.
13) I have the cutest dog on earth.
14) I have the patience to train aforementioned dog.
15) I do pilates before 6 am
16)I'm better at my job than anyone could believe possible.
17) I know how to have fun.
18) I like making people laugh.
19) I'd never tell your secrets
20) I have people in my life who love me - a lot.
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| with a cause |
[23 Nov 2006|02:30pm] |
Weird lucidity moment.
What if God gives me a daughter someday? I don't want to give her all this baggage. I want to be one of those women who just owns her life. Comfortable in her own skin. Not perfect - but perfectly herself. I don't want to wait til I'm fifty & then get it. I want to get it now. I want to stop punishing myself over weight - over everything.
I want to look in the mirror & be a friend to that person. No more letting the world, anorexia or any other asshole on planet earth kick me around. I want to be one of those strong, confident women who says, "This is me." & everybody loves her for it.
No one gets to tell me I'm good enough. I'm ME & that is DAMN GOOD ENOUGH. I swear I knew who I was at 16 & I want that back. I feel like a rebel again & it feels damn good.
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[23 Nov 2006|02:35pm] |
We are hoping - yes we are praying
This time will be the last time
That we will fight like this
We are always wanting
Things we cannot find
You know that we are always wasting
Time
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