I am afraid I will not be updating my journal anymore, I'm not for sure how but i'll find a way. To Isis..you know who you are...have confindence in yourself and you will go very far, and never, ever, ever, ever be afraid to ask for help from anyone. Anyone who rejects when asked for help is a fool. Take care of yourself, and the few others out there, we will see you in another time and in another place.

D

As the subject suggests, I am not dead. I have just been w/o internet for the past two weeks after vacation. Good vacation btw, had a few things happen between now and then, but hey it happens, at least i think it does. School is starting up, and after not being in classes for almost 8 years, I return. Anyway, as soon as internet allows, Ill update more. Be good everone.

D

For those of you who read this, I will be gone for several weeks. Im gonna be moving and I need to get everything packed away to move, help my friend Preston finish his house and move, and then go on a week and a half vacation to Colorado. I will get in touch with those of you later, but I wanted to let ya know what the silence is about. Take care.

D

I have figured why I again feel kind of lonely, besides the obvious. I have 3 people in my family left. My mother, stepdad, aunt and uncle. Whoops, thats 4. I find that this hurts alot too. It also means that there is nothing I can do about it as well. It seesm that since I have been born, alot of family has died or just doesn't care about what happens to me. Once again, not much I can do about it, people are born and people die, its just the way things go. It doesn't mean I can't be sad about it. Since I have been born my father, both sets of grandparents, and halfgrandparents have passed away. I still to this day miss my father. There is alot I would do to have him around right now. What is to say that if he was alive my parents would be together, who is to say. Im not trying to find sympathy, Im trying to figure out my damn problems and fix them. Everytime I do, it just causes more grief, grief I never dealt with at the time, because I needed to be strong for everyone else at the time. The reason why this comes up is because my mom called and told me that my aunt was have more problems with her congested heart. I am 26 years old, and to be honest, I don't know if I can handle anymore death or not. All this doesn't count people in school who died or commited suicide, which is about 4, of whom I knew. Im not depressed about it horribly, I am just tired of it. I am tired of alot of things, and I need to somehow deal with them in a way that I am not doing. While being strong in the face of adversity is one of my strong points, it creates neverending grief for me for along time after. Today is a good day for these thoughts, with the stormy and rainyness outside, I do feel some solace in it. Anyway, gonna go watch it rain, maybe it will wash away some things to reveal some inner hidden meaning. :)

D

Heroes that have done great deeds, often have heroic faults too.

BTW, thank you for your encouraging words, they do help, and do not fall upon deaf ears.

Date:	2003-07-05 23:45
Subject:	Questions....none of which need answering
Security:	Public
Mood:	discontent
Music:	Radiohead

Over the past week, I have felt very alone. My roommate Jeff has been gone on either family vacations or helping his grandma in DSM with stuff, and my roommate Aaron i could care less about. So I have been basically here alone. Jeff and my friend Preston have left to go to Chicago for some ballgames and such, I needed to work, so while I wanted to go badly, I had to stay. So now, on a Saturday at 11:30pm, I am cleaning house. No one here, 3 bedroom apartment with just me. I thought I felt alone before, it just doesn't compare. Not only to add to it, I am feeding all their fish, rabbits, guinea pigs, cats, and ferrets. I am fucking doing this all the time. I feel like I am everyone's bitch anymore, but I am not, but I just feel that way. Sometimes I get a thank you, sometimes I don't. I just let it go because it doesn't matter truly, but it does to me. I sometimes wonder of all the nice stuff I do for people that I don't feel like that I am rewarded. But I am, in the things people do for me, tolerate me when I am hypocritcal or just being a whiny bitch. Then I am back to being alone again. I know that when people are around other people, they act different. Add beer for more stupidity. Then I get picked and ganged up on, I get pissed and they wonder why. Next time, I'll just fucking punch them in their fucking drunkass face, and make them wonder why the next morning. But thats not the right thing to do. Their drunk and don't know what they are doing fully. Am I being too nice or being reasonable? If someone can answer than one for me, I'd appreciate it.

Next problem, the part of my life I always hide and keep from others, my love. I know it will come back and bite me in the ass, but damn it, I'm tired of not having anyone. First of all, I am bisexual. I feel that this is wrong. In the malepig society, its okay for women to bisexual, for men, it is not. I am that way, and that is the way I will be. So okay, there is this guy that works in the department next to me at work, I like him alot. I think is very cool, he is fairly attractive, while I am not. (Insert self-image issues here) Anyway, this other person is gay. We went to Adventureland (local amusement park) and we had an excellent time. I do have feelings for him, but I don't know if they will be reciprocated. This evening, he needed a ride home from work. I wasn't doing anything so I figured I would give him ride. I asked him what he had planned for, he said he was going to go home and go to bed. He was fine the whole day but now he is tired? I just didn't seem right. Even while walking out and just buying the few things the both of us needed, I didn't get the impression that he was tired. I just seems either a) not interested b) has a boyfriend (which he says he does, but when I asked, there was no eye contact, and was kind of mumbled to me) which to me says, go the fuck away loser, not interested. *sigh* Well, maybe being friends is just as easy. Wasn't meant to be in the first place. But still, will I be 50 before I might someone, male or female, that is the perfect match? Im halfway there, several years of schooling ahead of me, lots of new people and places to see. I don't know anymore, is it worth it, just to have it stepped on again? Well, at least I have gotten to talk to someone about all this stuff. Feel free to comment, flame, bash or whatever.

D

"Just because you feel it, doesn't mean its there.."
Radiohead

The relationship I spoke of the past couple of entries will not come to pass. It seems in my infinate luck that I have that I always want/go after unavailable people. Damn all the luck, but at least we will be staying friends which I like just as well, its just that I wish I had that opportunity to do so. C'est la vie. Things will work out in the end I guess. The past two days have been a real drag, all it has been is work, coming to an empty apartment, sleep, wash, rinse, repeat. I'm going to try and not let things get me down, but damn do I let my hopes get dashed or what? Anyway, just couldn't sleep and I have to be up in 5 hrs for work. My stomach is just not letting me. Bastard thing anyway. Okay, im out. Word.

D

Date:	2003-06-26 00:25
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm

So, here it is my journal entry for today, this week, and for quite some time. It has been an interesting past couple of days, worthwhile if i don't say so myself. All well worth time and money spent. People met and got to know better, more plans made for the future, and several things worked out hopefully to a better end. If not, c'est la vie. I've got to worry about my life now, put myself in first, and take care of myself, mentally, physically and emotionally. I hope people understand, I have changed somewhat than what I used to be before. I like the new me, it has its flaws but overall it has done well. These next several months will be busy, but hopefully I will find to relax and reflect on things that have happened and what is to come. Just some quasi-cryptic thoughts to leave and reflect by. Take care everyone

D

It seems I have been slacking off in the posting department in awhile. Meeting new people, enjoying life as best as I can, and always wanting more money, these basic things have been going taking up my time. Swimming, throwing frizbees and footballs, trying to keep myself busy. Work has been improving, meeting some very cool people there, maybe persuing a relationship may be in the works, but time will tell for that. No sense in being in a hurry about it ya know? I have been thinking about purchasing a saltwater tank and starting it up. Unfortunately, my limited budget and upcoming even more restricted limited budget have made me think otherwise. Although it would be cool, I don't forsee it happening anytime in the near future. I am waiting for school to start up so I can go. I am getting very excited for it, because I have soo much I want to do, but I have to wait for the right time to come. Going to be moving again here in a couple more months, going to find another place to live here in Ames. Our current residence, while nice, just isn't working out at all. It happens, but I think in the end, things will be better this way. Thats about it really. Although this last bit is for Jeremy.

*Do the hustle* do, do, do, dodo, dodo, dodo *cabbagepatch* *cabbagepatch* *shake your booty* *raise the roof*

Take that, Jeremy.

D

:P

Blah, its been just a boring past couple of days, life just putters along without much to say. And to be honest, I like it that way. But it has been bliss though. Do the same things we do every weekend, just kinda being people. Job doesn't require much, just a warm body that can fog up a mirror with its breath. Its nice not being important in the sense of hierarchy, its much easier. Its time for me to learn and grow as a person again, time for me to take a backseat for other people to shine with my help. Its better that too. :) It seems some links have been severed in my own life also, as some people have been having a rash of them *coughyouknowwhoyouarecough*. Maybe its for the better that they did, so I'm not worried about it anymore. It was of their choice and lack of it, so there is nothing I can do about it. Anyway, gonna go relax somemore before work, have fun everyone.

D

And yes, do and go out and enjoy the weather. Its a very nice-ah.

Date:	2003-05-20 11:34
Subject:	Times
Security:	Public
Mood:	thoughtful
Music:	Weezer

There are times when things are great and not a problem in the world. There are times when things are tumultuous and erratic. The space in time between these is usually fairly short for me. So I have basically spent the last two days in the apartment by myself. It is nothing I have done, but what someone else has. As for this year being a year of change, that it certainly shall. Things are looking as if I will be moving again, minus one roommate. I don't know the whole story, nor is anyone telling me what is going on, only that this person might be moving. I have heard lots of what might have happened, but nothing that has been told to me by the parties involved, just second hand information which I, as a precaution, take very lightly. What I have been told is that I don't need to worry about, but when I ask if I am involved, I am told that I am, and that I am not. How can it be both? Maybe because I live with this person, but I wasn't involved in the situation at hand, which is most likely wha it is. I will have to put faith in my friend that he just doesn't want me involved, which is a good thing truely, I either make things better or much worse. I have a hard putting faith in people when it comes to were I live, but I do trust this person alot, so I will do it. I am just afraid of both of them moving away back to their parents, leaving me high and dry. I do not think this will occur, because it does not seem like something Jeff would do. Oh yah, Aaron is the one that might be moving out. As a precaution, I will find a one bedroom for myself, merely as a precaution. I don't plan on leaving Jeff high and dry either, that wouldn't be very nice of me, and I have no intention. Im just paranoid about it is all. I notice that friends, whether I have forgotten or they of me, I should have trusted them more than I did. I do alot already, but there are times I just get suspicious of everyone when things go bad. Defense mechanism, mental condition, whatever it maybe, it somewhat protects me. I begin to wonder if it right of me to do it though. It seems wrong that I would do that, because, damn they are my friends they wouldn't do that. But someone has before, so I need to restore that faith in people, if you understand my meaning. As for my day off, I believe it will be uneventful. Might go to the Rec later, work out a bit, ya know, blow off steam. We will see though. Anyway, for those out there who know me, I am still here, puttering away as usual, wondering what will happen next, the ever-continuing story of my life. Take care and get outside and enjoy the weather, its almost summer for god's sake.

D

Mixed, I feel like a mixed drink, that has been in the blender too long. Totally confused on what to do, not knowing on what to do about it, yet feeling helpless and pissed that I am not taking care of it, but it is out of my control. I swear upon everything holy that I am a complete basketcase somedays, and completely fine others. I am getting tired of the rollercoaster, I just want feel some sort of normalcy in the moods and thoughts I have. Ah well, what is a person to do? Anyway, just venting a bit here, thought this might help out somewhat.

Excellent! Gainfully employed at Wal"mart. had my second day today, was a bit different. My fellow employees are a motley crew. Some of them are a bit odd, my first impression was a bit off-kilter. Just seemed kind of grungy ya know? One of them was just a bit...damn i dunno...shady might be it, I dunno. He seems to holding alot back, probably because I am new. Hell I don't know. Something is just not right and me being there was making them uncomfortable. Oh well, anyway the money shall flow soon, so maybe it won't be so bad. Anyway, take care everyone, and stay out of trouble.

D

Well the past couple of days have been very blah. All it has done is be rainy, windy, and cold. Most of the time I don't mind it, but I really want to be outside right now. Being active and stuff is good for ya, and i'd like to see some sun. Had my interview and drug test for Walmart last week. Still haven't heard back from them, even though theres no way I could have failed it since I hadn't drank or done any illegal substances, I should be free and clear. I need money desperately, its really sad. I'm not like dying or anything, but you know how it is when you have no money for anything and all your stuff is running out. It might be just me being all hyperactive about things, which it could be. Maybe I just need to relax and things will fall into place hopefully. I always put unreasonable goals for myself whenever I do something, then get very pissed when I don't reach them. It would seem that I still have problems to work on, I thought I had gotten rid of them all, but I guess I won't give up this time and just continue to tackel and deal with them, and kick them in their collective ass. I'm an adult now, and I should be able to put these things to bed and be done with them, but like a stubborn child, they dont want to. Summer is quickly approaching, so hopefully things will be getting better soon. Anyway, take care everyone

D

Mmmm. Everclear...delish. Only a double shot worth, not too fucked up but feeling it nicely. Dunno why I posted that, but I thought i was necessary. Yes, I am a light weight, not much I can do about it.

D

I thought it would be time to update this piece of webspace I have here. Job hunting is going well, I have an interview for tomorrow at Wal-Mart to work in the Photo Center. Its only part time,which is okay by me. I know the manager there, and I don't think i'll have the same problems I did as when I worked at Wal'mart before. While its only an interview, Im feeling a bit overconfident that I will get the job. Dunno if its the cynicism in me, or just a protective measure, but I have it, and I am listening to it just in case. Fighting a bit of a cold, had it for the past couple of days now, my roommate Jeff has seem to gotten the worst of it however. I just feel slightly miserable and sneeze on occasion, and as usual, Im spreading it to others around me. Im good at that. Had an interesting weekend, drank a bit, nothing too bad, but I did have to escort 4 drunk people home on Saturday night. I didn't mind, because I like too in all honesty. I'd rather make sure they get home okay, and I still get to see them fucked up and I get a good laugh out of it. And when i tell them what they did, they get a laugh out of it too. Thats about it really, nothing earthshaking or anything. Have fun everyone and rock on! Woooo!!

D

Hmm, crazy weekend of Easter at my friend Preston's girlfriends house. It was a good time, the week has been uneventful, checked on some jobs. Did something very crazy yesterday. I stuffed 12 peeps in my mouth. And thats marshmellow peeps. I was impressed that I did it, but I almost blew chunks doing it. But lets put it this way, everyone around me was in tears they were laughing so hard about it. It was stupid dare that I did it, but I am known for doing silly thing sometimes. All in all, it seems most of my problems have subsided, mentally at least. Alot happier with the situation, the way I get treated, everything is much more improved over 4 to 5 months ago. Not saying that I was being abused, but the people I was hanging with were very cool, but the people I lived with were less than cool. But on visiting them this week, they haven't changed much at all. But I wouldn't expect them too. But they were somewhat happy to see me, and were cool then so I guess things are better in that sense. Just need a job, thinking about going back to Wal-Mart, but only part time, I wouldn't have the problems I had before. In fact, it might be a bit refreshing, and saving what little money I could would help quite a bit. And alot of things have changed since that time I worked there before, so I figure I might give it a shot. Anyway, thats about it. Not to say my life is boring, its just that I don't have that much thats worth wasting webspace to type out. Just hanging out with drunk people can be fun. :) Anyway, take care everyone.

D

Been a fairly uneventful week, Im enjoying my time up here alot. I am glad I moved up here. Most everything has been a positive thing for me, a few bad things happened, but that happens too. Still haven't found a job yet, but Im not as concerned about it as I should be. Going to apply next week to work at this new video store coming into Ames, it would be cool to work there. Basically I just need to make it through the summer and things should be even better than they are now. Although there is one thing that bothers me more than anything. My aunt Theresa has basically cut off contact from her family. I know the reason why she is, I'd rather not say right now, but I feel it is time for intervention. She won't even call me back, nor will she call my mother back either. It isn't like her to be like this, so I know something is wrong. When I go into town to visit my mom for our birthdays (to which she was also to attend, but hasn't called me back yet) so I will talk to her then. It kind of pisses me off, because she is a big part of what little family I have left, and I'll be damned I'll lose her to someone online. Hmm, went and seen Bulletproof Monk, not a bad movie, but just wait for it to come out on video. A much better buy then. Anyway, see ya later everyone.

D

Oh and I have gained a new nickname too. Kornwahl, short for Cornwallis, which if any of you watch the South Park Christman special, will know who it is. :)

Well, orientation went very well on Friday, I am now an official ISU student. Now I just have to wait until August to go. Only 4 months away, which will go very fast hopefully. Not much else going on, haven't found a job yet, but for some reason I'm not really worried about it. *shrug* I will have one shortly have no worries about that. Just gonna kind of relax today, its gonna be a beautiful day out, might just go out and be a outdoorsy person for awhile. Might as well, seeing as how its gonna possibly snow on Thursday. WTF?! 80 one day, two days later, its 30 and fucking snowing. Man, Iowa weather hasn't been this screwy in a while, guess it was time it started to anyway. Not much else really, take care everyone, drop a post or a line sometime. See ya

D

I have realized that I am a bit of fool, in the sense that I let people treat my the way I let them treat me, whether it be good or bad. This has been this way throughout my life, but I have decided that it will stop. Treat me like shit, you will receive threefold. I don't have time in life for people to poo-poo on me because I am inconvient. I must becareful here, because I can be accused of doing the same thing. It is a very tender line to walk, if I am not careful, I will fuck up and crash hardcore. So please, use this kind of stuff in your life, too. You will find it makes it hard for awhile, but it will improve. It is unfortunate that I now realize this after 26 years of sucking air. Thanks for the rant time.

Got my internet connection to work! At last! *cheer* Hopefully gonna be getting my car today....finally! Man, sometimes its not worth relying on people who only care about themselves. I don't see how people can be like that but the world is full of different people I guess. Got oreintation for school on Friday, getting very excited for that. The Rob Zombie movie, "House of a Thousand Corpses" comes out this Friday, am planning on seeing that. Assured to be a good time thats for sure. Not much else going on, just wrapping up some loose ends and hopefully everything will be cool soon. Anyway, take care everyone, and Nick, I will get you your book to you as soon as a I can, and if I can't find it, I'll give ya the money for it at least. See ya!

D