lucy's journal

> recent entries
> calendar
> friends
> profile
> previous 20 entries

Monday, August 25th, 2003
4:00 am - tears//
I can't sleep. It's currently 4am, and I can't sleep. Ordinarily I expect to have trouble sleeping the night before classes start, but this is ridiculous. I'm exhausted. But my mind is racing.

Laura is dead. I have to keep rolling that over in my mind to see if I can accept it yet. I went to the wake, saw her there, saw everyone crying, said the prayers, hugged her broken-hearted (if that begins to describe it) parents, saw even Kira cry (and she never does). But it still feels fake. Laura was invincible. Or so we thought, anyway. She was supposed to live forever.

I guess in a way, she is living forever, but not here on earth, which is the hard part for all of us. She was only 18! Not supposed to die. Not supposed to die like that. I hate people saying, "You should have seen the car". I don't ever want to see that fucking car. Ever. Ever ever. Bad enough to even think about it.

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm ok. You know, I'm not. And no one is too accepting of that. Of course I'm not ok. My friend just died! I can't sleep, eating is even harder than usual, and I'm on the verge of panic attacks again. So yeah, I'm not ok. And I'm doing pretty well out of all my friends. Kira is getting migraines and stomach aches and can't sleep. And Becki... Oh, Becki, it wasn't your fault. You know that, right? She loved you and you her.


I just feel confused. Why this now, why this way? Laura was supposed to start college today. Instead, she is having a funeral. And I just don't get it. I guess I'll never know, never understand. And that hurts worse than anything, I think. I guess maybe I should just deal with it. I know Laura is with God now. She loved God so much. I remember seeing her in church and thinking that she was such a good role-model for how involved in everything she was. She taught CCD, she was an altar-server, and loads of other things. She once said, "God is awesome." He is, but He's confusing. I guess he needed her now. And in that way, I know she's safe and taken care of. That makes it a little easier but the confusion is still endless.

Well before I start crying again, I think I'm going to go to sleep. Or try anyway. I have to be up in 3 hours. It's going to be another rough day.

current mood: confused

(comment on this)

Thursday, August 14th, 2003
11:24 pm - corpulent//
Ok, so I'm still about 114-115 if you dont count the pms water retention and the clothes I was wearing and the water I had just been drinking. So yeah. Fat though.

I have been eating like crazy, and I hate myself for it. I can't stand it. I'm so on-edge lately. It just sucks. I can't even think straight. And I've been such a fucking bitch to everyone. Ugh.

I need to stop fucking eating, first of all. I could be under 110 already if I would just get back on track! Plus Jim wants to go to some pool party on Saturday, and I'm going to be such an embarrassment because of my flab. Maybe I'll just wear baggy clothes and not swim at all. Which may get me weird looks but why would I care, I don't even know those people.

In any case, happy things: kitten, thoughts of losing more weight, diet pepsi.


current mood: aggravated

(comment on this)

Tuesday, August 5th, 2003
1:58 pm - sigh//
I like being all alone in a house.

No one is here right now. It's nice to not have a job. I am doing a load of laundry right now. Drinking water. Thinking. It's nice.

I used Eileen's scale to weigh myself. One-sixteen with clothes, after drinking water. So about 114. Yay! I have been bingeing like crazy since I got home, but today I've had 280 cals and I'm getting on track. I want to be so skinny.

Mostly it's because I hate my body. I don't know why I do. But it disgusts me. I hate that Jim finds me attractive, because my own body makes me want to vomit. I hate being naked. I hate eating, or needing. I want to be free from that.

Sometimes watching other people eat disturbs me.

Sigh. Tomorrow is my last therapy appointment, thank goodness.

I've been reading a lot lately. Currently, it's a book about Virginia Woolf and anorexia. It's very interesting. Also, I finally finally read Wasted. Which was not as good or as bad as I expected.

The dogs are driving me crazy. They make me think someone's home other than me. They get anxious when it thunders, and they pace about the house and bark. Yike. That sets my mind to paranoia and thinking that perhaps I'll be murdered or something.

I'm ridiculous...

current mood: calm

(comment on this)

Monday, August 4th, 2003
2:12 pm - vacation//
Just want everyone to know that I'm on vacation from school...So if I'm not around much, it's not because I've died or anything! I'll be back to school and regular computer use on the 24th.

Love to all!

(comment on this)

Wednesday, July 30th, 2003
8:29 pm
Today at mass, the entire homily was one sentence: Does your face show that you've had contact with the Lord? Or something like that. I can't remember exactly how it went, but it really made me think. If I'm thin and sickly, my face will show it. And how can a person who is satisfied with the life the Lord has given her look like that? So that seemed to answer my question of will I or won't I stay healthy. I'm already mentally unhealthy, and heading down the path of physical illness again.

So I ate dinner because I did want to try. But now I hate myself. I feel awful. I can't just let it go. I wish I could. I'm a horrible person because I'm stuck in this and I can't get out. I just feel doomed. I'll be like this forever. It will kill me before I'm 40. I know it will. Because I'm too weak altogether. I can't make a decision. I'm stuck here forever.

current mood: distressed
current music: suzanne vega- it makes me wonder

(1 comment | comment on this)

Monday, July 28th, 2003
9:03 am - vent, etc//
The school has decided to cut the internet off in the dorms, despite the fact that we still have a week left of school. I'm at a loss, unable to talk to anyone. Last night was awful. My roommate wasn't around, I was all alone with nothing to do. I guess I should take the hint and start packing up my computer, but I haven't. I did go to wal-mart and buy make-up and shampoo and conditioner to console myself, however.

My weight is blah. It's stuck at about 116 still. I would just love to be 114 already. I ate a lot over the weekend though, so I guess that's what I get. I hate being home. I just want to starve starve starve myself. I want to drop a bunch of weight before my last therapy appointment, just to dig it in to her that I'm going to die because she threw me out. Well, I guess it's my own damn fault that I got thrown out, but still.

I really am an evil, manipulative bitch. And she was probably right, I should just grow the fuck up already. But it's just easier to stay in my disorder. It's easier to count calories than to think about myself. It's easier to exercise than to take responsibility for what I'm doing. It's easier to hate myself than to try to fix myself. But the whole thing of it is, it's my choice. If I want to starve myself to death, fine. It's my body, I know what I'm doing to myself, and I don't care. I just don't care anymore.

Anyway. I went to see Janice this weekend, as she finally came home for a while. She is definitely thinner than before; her legs are getting really tiny. She's lost a lot of hair too. But overall, she's not as deathly as I had pictured her; in fact, we have around the same bmi. I'm still jealous of her weight, and I still worry about her, but I guess right now she and I are in the same boat. She sympathized with getting thrown out of therapy, as her therapist threw her out last year. Therapy is a crock of shit anyway. In any case, she and I sat and talked about ana things for a few hours, which was so nice because I can't really talk to anyone else about how I'm feeling. She understands what it's like. No one else does.

Ok, so one more week of school, and then I'm done for awhile. This has its good and bad points, because on the one hand, no schoolwork, but on the other hand, I always fuck up my eating when I'm home. But we'll see. Maybe I'll be able to lose over the break. If I could get down to 110 by the time school starts again, I'd be pretty happy.

I've eaten nothing so far today and I'm feeling good about that.

current mood: annoyed

(4 comments | comment on this)

Friday, July 25th, 2003
5:48 pm - kick//
So apparently I'm getting kicked out of therapy. Because I'm not trying hard enough (or at all, whatever) and I'm wasting her time. Which I've only been telling her for months, but now that it's on her terms, it's ok for her to kick me out. I don't want to go to therapy anymore because it's not helping me and I'm not sick anymore, but somehow it depresses me that she's throwing me out and not letting me leave of my own accord.

I have one more appointment with her. I didn't want to, but oh well. She wants me to think hard about whether or not I want to start trying. I don't want to try, not at all. I don't want to try to be fat...I can do that on my own, without her help. I think my mom is pissed. Everyone apparently thinks I still need treatment but I don't. I'm too fat to deserve it. So maybe when I'm thin I'll go back. But probably not.

They can't stop me from losing weight. It's my body. I will eat what I want. I will exercise when I want. And damn it, if I don't want to take the meds, I won't.

current mood: depressed/angry

(2 comments | comment on this)

Thursday, July 24th, 2003
9:30 pm - orange sky//
Said brother, you know, you know, it's a long road we've been walking on. Such a long road we've been walking on. And I had a dream I stood beneath an orange sky with my sister standing by, with my sister standing by. I said sister, here is what I know, here is what I know: In your love, my salvation lies in your love.

I'm depressed tonight. I don't know why. Being home is too powerful, brings too many memories back. Memories of being depressed, of starving and cutting and wanting to die. Like ghosts.

But I ate today. Oh god did I eat today. What a fuck-up I am. I want to starve myself. I want to starve to nothing, to death, to a heart attack, to NG tubing I don't care I just don't want to be like this anymore.

no more. please no more...

current mood: depressed
current music: alexi murdoch- orange sky

(comment on this)

Wednesday, July 23rd, 2003
10:45 pm - mirror, mirror//
Whenever I'm am getting dressed, I pause in front of the mirror and stare at myself for a while, carefully going over every aspect of my body to see if it's "ok" today. It's becoming quite a ritual for me to stand there in just my undies and analyze, analyze, analyze. analyze.

Tonight, I've decided that my legs would be tolerable if my very upper thighs lost their fat. Also my butt. That whole region. My arms are flabby. My wrists and lower arms are ok, but my upper arms have got to go. My face is ugly; I've got a pimple on my nose, and besides, my face is fat. My glasses make me look ugly; I really must get new contacts.

Every time I walk by a mirror or a shiny surface, I have to look. Stare, even. I can't just walk by. No. I've got to analyze. See if I pass. I don't know what to think of this behavior.

Crackers today, again. Not as many. And three string beans. Also diet ginger ale and some water. So, not terrible. But I've got to keep working hard because I'm a freaking whale!

Going to bed now, sigh.

current mood: crazy
current music: joni mitchell- songs to aging children come

(comment on this)

9:04 am
I'm still 117, and that annoys me greatly. I should be 116 by now. Yesterday I messed up and ate crackers, so that's probably why I'm so heavy today. Today I won't mess up.

I have a chem test, and I'm a nervous wreck as usual. I hope I do well on it, but you never know. I could just end up failing it. Part of me doesn't care at all. We can drop one test so maybe it will be this one.


I don't want to go to class today. At least I won't be able to eat when I'm in class.

(comment on this)

Tuesday, July 22nd, 2003
9:19 am - rest(less).
I think that if they had put me on bedrest (as they threatened to) when I was IP (all that long time ago), I would have gone mad. I can't sit still. Lately, I can't fall asleep at all, so when I am getting a little tired, I lay in bed and do cruches and leg lifts and stuff until I get tired and fall asleep. I figure it's a good way to burn some calories and tire myself out, and who knows, maybe I'll get some fat off my tummy.

I'm 117 lbs this morning. Down a lb from yesterday. One of my pro-ana friends (Jezzie) and I are fasting today. Just water allowed. I told her I might have to eat with my meds this morning, but I didn't and I still feel ok. So that's good. I might pick up some tums so my stomach doesn't get all weird and refluxy...that is what always kills me with fasting. I like the feeling of an empty stomach, but when the acid starts eating away at me, that sucks.

Janice is down to 105 lbs. I have such mixed feelings about that. Partly I'm very nervous for her, because she's not being very healthy at all. I don't want her to have a heart attack or to end up in the hospital for months or anything. On the other hand, I'm very jealous of her. It must be nice to be thin. And I'm jealous because I used to be the better ana, and now she's better. I shouldn't get so competitive, especially with her, but it's so hard. I used to be the severe one. Now I'm practically not ana at all. I'm just a fat girl that wants to be thin again. Sigh.

Well, I think I'm going to head over to Sykes and get a litre bottle of water and some tums. I don't feel like going to class today at all. I'm so nervous about my chem test tomorrow; there are too many reactions and I'm not going to know them by tomorrow. Oh well. We'll see how it goes. And studying is an excuse not to eat.

current mood: restless
current music: Tori Amos- iieee

(comment on this)

Monday, July 21st, 2003
4:41 pm - numbers//
I'm 118. Damn PMS.

I got an 83 on my chem test. That is better than last time.

I've eaten 800 calories today. fatass.

My goal is 30 lbs away.

I will lose 3 lbs by next week. Cause I say so.

I feel like 2 people sometimes. Good lucy, bad lucy.

I like bad lucy better, she wants to be thin.

i will be 88 lbs.


current mood: sigh.

(comment on this)

Tuesday, July 15th, 2003
8:47 am - fuck//
i'm one hundred nineteen pounds. i think i'm going to kill myself.

i hate myself. i cant do anything right. nothing ever goes right. i cant even lose weight. what is wrong with me. i need to lose more weight. i need to not eat anything. i wish i was dead.

-it should have been me-

current mood: morose
current music: tori amos- happiness is a warm gun

(comment on this)

Sunday, July 13th, 2003
11:30 pm - crazy//

Everything is driving me crazy here at school. I can't stand it anymore! My roommate is driving me crazy. Jim says I should just say something to her already, but I don't know how and I don't want to cause a fight, but hoping that she suddenly realizes what a bitch she is is not really working out. sigh.

I'm fat. I'm not giving up on ana, no matter how hard they try to make me stop. I have my trusty scale with me at school, finally. That should motivate me. I hope.

I have to keep in mind things like the really fucking thin woman we saw at Hershey today. Jim said she looked disgusting but I thought she was amazing, and I hope to have that kind of willpower someday.

I'm almost at 9 hours of fasting. Gotta get more!

(comment on this)

Wednesday, July 9th, 2003
8:56 am - sigh//
So I've been eating like a pig. People tell my I'm still thin but I don't believe them. They are just humoring me. I'm a whale.

I'm tired of struggling with this shit. I hate hating myself. I just want to be happy. Which never happens.

I guess I will go back to completely restricting. I felt better then. Kinda.

School is driving me crazy. I want to slap my roommate across the face. She does stupid shit just to annoy me. Pisses me off. Plus our room has ants, plus I have too much crap to do, plus I'm fat fat fat.

Not a happy camper.

current mood: bitter
current music: Petula Clark- Downtown (from Girl Interrupted soundtrack)

(comment on this)

Thursday, July 3rd, 2003
8:24 am - stressed//
What a, stressed? But ugh, I've been feeling awful. The grades came out for the first summer session Tuesday night, and I completely fucked up! My gpa is a 2.74 now! I want to die, I hate myself so much. If I don't fix this, I'll never get into grad school. And then my life is over. Yarr.

I went to talk to Dr. C about my grades, and she gave me some study strategies to try, for her class mostly. So I spent about 4 or 5 hours doing organic problems and reading for English last night. I'm determined to do well this time. I have to; it's not a choice.

Dr C is sooooo skinny, I get incredibly jealous of her. She's so skinny, but she's one of those people that doesn't even notice/flaunt her thinness. I want to be thin like her! She is about 5'8, and she's got to be around 105 lbs, at my best guess. Give or take a few lbs. I want calves like hers, that are just completely straight down her legs, not bulging out at all. And you know when someone has very thin arms, and you can see the two pointy bones on the side of their elbow when they bend their arm? Yeah, I am starting to get those again, but not as much as she has. And lets not even talk about collarbones! Wow. And sometimes during class she puts her hand on her hip, and you can see how incredibly prominent the hipbone is when she does that. It's almost disturbing. And I'm so jealous.

But I'm getting there. I'm around 115 now, maybe 114 on a good day. My legs are still fat but my hipbones are starting to show again, and my jeans are lose. My collarbones are coming back too. So I'm somewhat please with that.

However, I totally fucked up and ate a ton of pasta yesterday. Yuck.

Back on track today, I swear. I'm going to do well. I'm going to be thin, and I'm going to have good grades. I will.

current mood: stressed
current music: tori amos- to venus and back

(comment on this)

Monday, June 30th, 2003
6:19 pm - total//
I had 300 calories today. All fruits and veggies. I'm in control. I'm happy. Life is good today. I can do this.

I just need to keep it up!!!

current mood: happy
current music: some crap that my roommate is playing...

(1 comment | comment on this)

3:03 pm - las frutas//
Food so far today:

Breakfast- 5 pieces of honeydew (approx 1 sq in each)
2 diet pills
20 oz diet pepsi

Lunch- 1.5 pears
3 pickles

I plan to have a banana for dinner, maybe an apple or orange as well.

I think I'm doing pretty well.

current mood: optimistic
current music: fiona apple -paper bag

(comment on this)

Sunday, June 29th, 2003
11:20 pm - sigh//
So I thought I was pregnant but I'm not. My period is just messed up. Cause my whole fucking body is messed up. Figures.

Anyway. New classes tomorrow. I am a bit nervous, but I'm happy that the damn physics is over.

I hate my body. Just thought I'd share. My weight is ridiculous. It's just not going down. But that's cause I'm eating so much. Today I had a slice of pizza, 3 pieces of french toast, a blueberry smoothie, and some peanuts. Fatfatfat.

My mom asked me today if having a class with Dr C will be triggering. (She was anorexic when she was younger, but I have a suspicion that she still is. It's majorly on the dl that she was ana, but honestly, when you have ana-radar like me, it's really obvious.) I told her no, it won't bother me, and maybe it won't because Dr C is a wonderful person, a great advisor, and apparently a great teacher. Still...maybe it will be triggering, who knows? Not that I'll be that upset if it is. I need triggers. Baaaaaaaaaaad.

I'm jealous and triggered by Laura, even though I love her to death. Her body is perfect. She hates it at times, but I don't know why. She is tiny and fit and thin and pretty. And she's training for a marathon, which is something I certainly couldn't get my body to do. She's doing so much exercise and is therefore able to eat just about anything. I need to do that.

In any case, I'm off to sleep, perchance to dream.

current mood: depressed
current music: suzanne vega- undertow

(comment on this)

Saturday, June 28th, 2003
12:50 pm - on track//
Maybe on track. I've eaten 410 calories today. All junk food. Sigh. But oh well. I took one pill so far. And I have no intentions of eating anymore today. So I think it will all be ok. Hopefully, hopefully.

I spent a chunk of the morning laying out, which was lovely because I'm so awfully pale, and I don't want to be! I hate being pale; I hate people making comments about how pale I am, that I look sickly.

I had a dream last night about ballet. Sorta. I dreamed that I was going to be in the Nutcracker again. But it was on a whim...Phyllis asked me to dance the night of the performance. She was like, "All the choreography is the same, so you'll be ok". And I was all proud of myself because I was really flexible (which I'm not, never was). Anyway, I kept insisting that I was going to be a child in the party scene because that was the only costume I had. And then Jim's stepmother kicked me out for not being an adult. So I left. I went into the parking lot, into my car, and started driving around like crazy through all this snow. And then some military guys in police cars pulled me over, and I started crying because they knew Jim and they would tell him how Liz kicked me out, and how I was being all crazy in my car, and I was crying and crying and saying, "This is it, isn't it? This ring is gone, it's over, he'll hate me, this is the end of the relationship..." And the army guys laughed and said, yup. It was awful. And weird.

But anyway. My ring is still on, things are ok. That dream must have some kind of symbolic meaning though, eh?

My parents are painting the hallway. It reeks, the smell of paint is making me woozy.

current mood: confused
current music: ani, again.

(2 comments | comment on this)

> previous 20 entries
> top of page