01:11pm 08/01/2004
  Man, I'm bored. Do you realize how much it sucks having to sit in an office all day doing.... NOTHING. Oh well, I mean, Joel Olsteen says DO EVERYTHING WITH ENTHUSIASM! so Yeah, I'm enthusiastic about not liking this job. God forgive me, I love this job, and i'm thankful for it, but when my boss is out of the office i have no reason to be here considering i'm her assistant. How can I assist if she's not here? Dah... anyways. So I read a cool verse in Isaiah yesterday that said something about how God calls our names, even when we dont ask for him, he's like begging for us to hear him. I thought it was pretty awesome. I think its Isaiah 65 if you wanna look it up anytime. But then the rest of its kinda crappy cuz it talks about how when we refuse to listen to God, he stops talking to us. I mean heck, wouldn't you stop talkin to somebody if all u ever did was talk and they didnt even acknowledge your existance? I sure would. So yeah, I told allen I didn't wanna date. I'm so glad I did that. God gave me a 'sign' about Chris, but I'm still confused. I feel like kyndra, she always asked for signs and God gave her like 18932947 of them but she didn't listen until Josh finally asked her to marry him! Is that gonna be me? Am I gonna wait till Chris comes to TX and sweeps me off my feet? Heck... eh I wish he'd do that! But I think God wants me to put my faith in him BEFORE he does that, u know? Cuz God already has his plan made out, he just wants me to see it. Sigh! On the other hand, this guy howard at the club i always go to FINALLY talked to me and lauren yesterday. I have to say, if he had a fan club WE would start it. I mean, he used to work there, but on my birthday (hehe) he quit and now he just goes every night and i'm like OMG ur so hot lol but I can't eb like that, cuz no matter how hot any guy is, I can't help but love Chris, I mean, i'd never choose anyone else over him. Not even CMM and we all know I'm in love with that boy. (CMM = Chad Michael Murray) But Chris, no, he's different. I know God says not to give ur heart away, but I didn't give it away, I swear he stole it, and I can't stop loving this guy. We've never even dated and I'm like, I know I want to marry him, he's wondermous. OH well.. u know what.. im at work and i gotta go do somethin to look busy. Bye yall!  
Ex Boyfriend :-x holy crap   
09:22pm 01/01/2004
  Well this is quite odd. K, my ex bf like hates me, but he's talkin to me. It's odd cuz i mean... i can't think of any reason why i dont wanna talk to him, but I still dont want to. But then again im happy talkin to him. I'm kind of excited cuz I had a pow wow with God about me and Chris. And now I know that God has his plan worked out through us. I'm very excited about it. I just hope I can keep trusting God, I used to have issues w/ it, but im pretty confident that he's gonna work through me to let it all come together. Cuz now I know I'll do whatever God asks of me. :)  
boyz again   
10:32pm 23/12/2003
  Guys just confuse me.. Last night i talked to my ex and he acts like he wants to get back together but....??? and today my other guy friend/ex confused the crap out of me, i mean he doesnt wanna date but like... i dont know i mean he acts like the way he treats me doesnt hurt me which isn't tru, it does. I wish he knew. And my bro did the sweetest thing (not real bro) he bought flowers for my best friend (ex gf). I love him to death. He's like the only guy i really trust besides GOD and my dad. Anyways, this is a pointless entry.  
Frustrated and angry   
10:08pm 22/12/2003
mood: frustrated
music: My immortal again
People really don't know you, they look at you, they stare but they cant see inside. And when you have those feelings, the ones nobody knows about cuz you don't show them, but God they are there because you feel them and it hurts so bad. Those feelings - the ones u dont want anyone to know- truthfully you'd be so glad if someone just said 'hey, i know what you're feeling' they may not know HOW it feels, but they do know that you are feeling that painful, angry, bitter, broken hearted, horrid slash of anguish that terrorizes your very being. If somebody just KNEW you were feeling those things, they may understand why you snap when someone tries to talk to you, or why you just wanna be ALONE, or why you cry so much. They might understand. I just wonder sometimes if people realize how many people around them are sitting there being miserable, all because of that feeling. Horrid and vengeful it makes you cringe to think about it, it makes your heart hurt. Half of the people who call themselves your best friends, and you call them that too, but they don't know. They look at you, but they dont SEE you. There's such a huge difference. I look at a person and they have brown eyes, but I can't see that the eyes are sad. The eyes are just eyes when you look, SEEING is they key. Seeing is percieving. If you can't percieve, why look?
09:49pm 18/12/2003
mood: contemplative
music: My Immortal
Yep thats right i'm 18 and i'm gonna talk about guys. See I have this issue w/ cheating on my bf's and this guy, who's really really nice and sweet, well I like him a lot and i dont wanna hurt him, but I really wanna be with him. He is just the most adorable guy and I don't wanna end up cheating on him. I know I will tho, cuz thats how I am. But if I'm totally honest, there's this guy Chris... he's like my best friend. I don't think I could ever like a guy when I have him n my life, cuz he's like the perfect guy. I know he feels like that's hard to live up to, but its true. He doesnt have to live up to anything, cuz I already adore him the way he is. Thats why I don't wanna say anything to allen. yeah... it sucks