Jeckel's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]

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[14 Jun 2003|06:30pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Fuck, I'm bored. Maybe I'll shoot myself in the foot for good measure.

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[21 May 2003|12:18am]
Wow, everything is offline tonight. I don't even feel like writing but reading others would be nice. Sigh. Went to the beach tonight. Saw a shell. Picked up the shell. Walked barefoot in the sand. It was nice. Nice is a good thing once in a while. Nice would be if my websites to my real life and the likes of it were working but neither seem to hear my plea. So, I'll try to sleep. Sleep doesn't come easy anymore. Not like it used to. Wishing myself (and others) the best. It's the most I can do.
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fuckitall [13 May 2003|03:18pm]
Wait, here's a thought. Fuck you. Hurts to hear the truth sometimes. I can tell, but I won't be silenced. And I won't hurt anymore for you. I'll just bury myself under your skin until you can no longer ignore me, until you want to put a bullet in your brain just to drown out my cries. Do it. Tell yourself you're not controlled by that controlled substance. But think first, why are you so angry if I'm so wrong?
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morality [09 May 2003|10:40pm]
A sense of right and wrong. I have that. Many do not. Could you image living a life where you believed you were untouchable? That no matter what you did or how bad it was you'd be okay? I can, and it scares the shit outta me.
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do you see? do you see what i'm becoming? [06 May 2003|07:32pm]
[ mood | devious ]

He saw me. And he refused. So I begged and still the boy refused. When I'm done with him he'll understand, and I'm moving on. Patience, because once you understand I'm already under your skin you'll look so beautiful. And we'll be happy, and you'll never ever want to forget me because I'm never going to forget what I'm capable of doing to you.

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been sick [04 May 2003|09:42am]
[ mood | irritated ]

I'm sick. I hate it. I feel like hammered shit. And I'm so frustrated about last night. This shouldn't be this difficult. But it was. And I want him all to myself, in secret. It bothered me more to share him with others last night than it did the others. Sigh. His name is fucking Pete. No movie. We all think we know what we want until we get it and realize that it might be as far from what we want as can possibly be. I dunno. I'm just aggravated...worried about his safety, job security, and it's always fun to pull the wool over people's eyes. Cause I've got a secret and I'm not fuck off!

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why [30 Apr 2003|10:53pm]
[ mood | blank ]

why can't i hear his name without feeling like i want to tear my own heart out? why doesn't it matter and matter at the same time? why do i still hear his voice telling me he'd rather die than be without me again? while he's not fucking dead, i'm dead to him. and i hate that i can't see his name in print. when is enough going to be enough? why can't i keep a secret? why does it have to hurt so much? how come i'm content, happy, possibly in love, yet scared, alone, frightened? just leave me alone....these demons, they haunt me in my sleep, they haunt me while i'm awake, they haunt me forever. i can't feel anything but pain for my loss, i want to tear my heart out just to watch it bleed, or see it beat to remind me i'm alive. always and forever. alive, now.

cause the joke that you made in the bed that was me doesn't fade as soon as you close your eyes. and every time i scratch my nails down someone elses back i hope you feel it. well can you feel it? and i'm here to remind you, of the mess you left when you went away. it's not fair to deny me the cross i bear that you gave to me. you ought to know. ~Alanis

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how dare you? [30 Apr 2003|10:26am]
[ mood | irritated ]

This is my life. And you've intruded on it. First with that love you imposed, then with you tellling me I don't have to be someone I'm not. And then with your caring nature and now you've taken it upon yourself to read through my livejournal like it's your god given fucking right to do so. And you were so sneaky about it. Just fucking ask me, would you? Don't sneak around behind my back! I hate this. I hate feeling exposed, I hate feeling so lost, like there is nowhere I can impress my feelings upon without being judged. I just feel so naked, and you're the one snapping the pictures. Guess I didn't think about how it might feel to learn you're not perfect, that you can betray my trust. And you have, the ultimate betrayal. Will you really stay away from my world (outside of you) or will curiosity finally kill the cat???

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kick me (sanity for sale) [29 Apr 2003|10:03am]
[ mood | lonely ]

I really should use this diary more often. Right now I feel like I have a giant kick me sign on my back, just waiting for people to jump in. Make a fucking game of it. I'm good. I don't need to feel wanted, in place, when I tore my life apart years ago. I hate being a victim. I hate telling people of the shit that Mike put me through. And I hate oral presentations. I just don't want to be fragile anymore. Take my heart, break it if you must, but please don't throw it away. I've had enough, tear down the walls and let me in cause my throat hurts from screaming for so long and I've lost something. And it's me.

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:) [22 Apr 2003|09:52am]

You are Harley Barbie! You don't asocciate with "sophisticate" barbie and never "nsync #1 fan" barbie, but you know who your friends are and you do what you want. Plus, you have a kick ass motorcycle.
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i still believe it when you say, it's another perfect day [14 Apr 2003|04:18pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

Now live journal won't update so I'm forced to write in here while the thoughts are fresh. I don't want to screw this up. I see a light in your eyes that I know I put there. I know I make your day just by being me. And it thrills me to know that I can be myself. I know that I come off very outgoing but there's a lot beneath the surface, and we can discover it together. I'm happy, for the first time in a long time I am letting go of what was and focusing on what is. Because if I don't give this a chance to live it might die and if I don't get a chance to be everything I've ever wanted then I'm just fooling myself. There's a lot going on within my head that I don't understand, that I want to let free. And you seem to be the one holding my hand, reminding me of how you never want to let go. I believe that I can learn to trust, learn to love, learn to be the person I have the potential to be instead of just hanging in back. I'm here, and I'll be your everything. Just give me that chance.

Shooting Star
Harry Chapin

He was crazy of course
From the first she must have known it
But still she went on with him
And she never once had shown it
And she took him off the street
And she dried his tears of grieving
She listened to his visions
She believed in his believe-ins

Oh, he was the sun burning bright and brittle
And she was the moon shining back his light a little
He was a shooting star
She was softer and more slowly
He could not make things possible
But, she could make them holy

He was dancing to some music
No one else had ever heard
He'd speak in unknown languages
She would translate every word
And then when the world was laughing
At his castles in the sky
She'd hold him in her body
Till he once again could fly

Oh, he was the sun burning bright and brittle
And she was the moon shining back his light a little
He was a shooting star
She was softer and more slowly
He could not make things possible
But, she could make them holy

Well, she gave him a daughter
And she gave him a son
She was a mother, and a wife,
And a lover when the day was done
He was too far gone for giving love
What he offered in its stead
Was the knowledge she was the only thing
That was not in his head

He took off East one morning
Towards the rising sun's red glow
She knew he was going nowhere
But of course she let him go
And as she stood and watched him dwindle
Much too empty to be sad
He reappeared beside her saying,
"You're all I've ever had"

Oh, he was the sun burning bright and brittle
And she was the moon shining back his light a little
He was a shooting star
She was softer and more slowly
He could not make things possible
But, she could make them holy
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this is me (sigh) [13 Apr 2003|02:56pm]
in need of change
Grey Street

What Dave Matthews Song Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Grey Street
Oh, just sitting while she listens
She says I don't need this place
It seems a million years she's stuck here
But says nothing of what she thinks

She thinks, "Hey,
How did I come to this?
I dreamt like anybody else one night
I would be a beautiful princess."

But then the roads in the park fall
And then she rode the line in
And the colors mix together to grey
And break me out

Oh, when I'm indifferent
She prays to God most every night
Although she swears He doesn't listen
There's hope in her that He just might

She says, "I pray
But then my prayer fall on deaf ears
I'm supposed to take it all myself
To get out of this place."

She feels the lumps in the heart fall
And she rose up in the back
She hears the cars scream out from outside
And she whispers sometimes about this
But the colors mix together to grey
And wake me up

Oh, he grows up living
He says take what you can from your dreams
Make them real as anything
It takes the work out of the courage

She said, "Please,
There's a crazy man standing outside my door
I live on the corner of a dead end street
At the end of the world."

Oh, and the rocks out in the heart fall
And she dreams her way to life
And she knows no one will lift her
So she might as well do it herself

And then bummed out and worried
Of leaving city life
But all the colors mix together to grey
On Grey Street
On Grey Street
To Grey Street

Oh, when it comes down in your loving
Oh, well then baby it's right
You say you think you are nothing
No one else will do it for you
Reach up and grab hold of the sunlight
When you are waiting for what's right
You're holding on your Heaven
Won't leave you, yeah, yeah...

And the colors mix together to grey
Wake me up, wake me up, wake me up
To grey.
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meat loaf [12 Apr 2003|12:23am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

In the pit of the night you used to pull me so close
And then you'd hold me so tight
And in the wink of an eye you used to give me it all
And with a kiss in the darkness you'd deliver the light
And in the pit of the night I hear you laughing so loud
I know you're laughing at me
Oh ain't it funny and sad the way I fell for your lies
The way I fell into love and then I begged to be free
You gave me nothing at all, now let me give it to you
You taught me how to be cruel, now let me try it on you

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showtunes and smiles???? [10 Apr 2003|11:35am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Whathefuck? I don't get it. Genuine. Kind. Caring. A true man. Hmm...didn't think it was possible. Probably isn't to tell you the truth. But I'll live this dream for a little while anyway. Hold onto, wait, what's that word??? Oh yeah, hope. LoL. I guess I could try it on for a bit. I dunno. No hope means no heartache but that means no chance and a me looking at a life of dildos and my kitty kats to keep me kompany. Hmm...dammit dammit. I don't know. Smile life is one big fucking oxymoron anyway. Fuckitall.

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i did it [09 Apr 2003|08:05am]
[ mood | bouncy ]

Sigh, I'm in a good mood. Even if Steff forgot to call me back. Even if I threw up all over my bathroom floor last night and stuck my hand in the toilet. I'm in a good mood even though I'm hung over and confused. Even though I have to hold onto that one moment because that's all I've got right now. But, he did say that he'd keep it in a safe place. That means I mean something to him, I can handle that. Smile. This is your life. Blah.

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fuckitall [08 Apr 2003|05:18pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

Please kill me. End this madness, this nightmare called my life. Just do it now, quickly and painlessly before you change my mind. It's a beautiful world full of beautiful people that I don't want to be a part of. This sucks. I hate experimental psych. Sigh, back to class I go.

I'll give you a million dollars if you shoot me in the foot.

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you've got to seize the moment.... [07 Apr 2003|09:36pm]
[ mood | geeky ]

......hold it and own it ~Emeniem

Grr. Hey, lets hang out. I can do it. I can do it. I can't do it! This is so frustrating. I just don't want to get hurt. I don't want to feel pain anymore. And when he says no what do I do? It's such a little word. Only two letters. No. But I want the three letter word. Yes. And I'm scared that that's not what I'm going to get. Dammit. Why so out of control? Because that's how I live. I don't slow down for anyone. But I'd go slow for him. I've got it. Hey, do you ever hang out with people? LoL. That's retarded. How's about, hey let's hang out sometime? There, that's easy. I can do it. Maybe?

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why in shits fucks name did i do that? [07 Apr 2003|07:28pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Okay. This is me, out of control. I mean, I've decided that if I can't have him I'll have around him. And I've told a few people my little secret. Including one person whom I should not have said anything to. Because now it's weird. One of them has got to go though. And if it's him, it's over. If it's her at least I don't have to look at her every day and know she knows the truth. It was weird. I thought that I had made myself like him because he was nice. And then I saw him today and realized that it was something much bigger than I had orignially intended. It's huge and fucked. And now it's just a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. Who will go? What will I say if he leaves? What will I say if he stays? She said to leave it alone. So I will. Nothing more to say. Enough.

Check out my creations:

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blah [06 Apr 2003|04:43pm]
[ mood | jealous ]

I shouldn't feel bad. I shouldn't care that I yelled at you. It's been two months and this isn't about how you feel or what you need anymore. Those things are not my concern. You are no longer my concern. I just want to break free from this cycle. I don't want to feel bad because I told you what it was like to be me. Excuse me for interupting your life and your perfect girlfriend. When's it my turn? I just want to be wanted and I know nothing is going to come out of this new thing I keep bottled inside because I'm too scared to set it free. I just want to relax. To breath, to tell you a little bit about how it feels to be me. Have your life back, I've thrown myself at you and fought to the death for you but now I'm dead to you. I've taken one in the heart for you and it killed me upon impact. No control. Just letting my emotions go. Enough is enough already. Sometimes I want to scream out loud. Sigh.

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where did he touch you and how did it feel... [02 Apr 2003|10:16pm]
[ mood | predatory ]

...and why did you let it begin?

Fantasy. A break from reality. I fell shortly, swiftly. Not knowing where I go I stumble often. It's hard to see the whole picture when you're digesting the scenery. I don't know where to run to. When you're there I say it all but how I feel. Because I don't need anymore hate to pierce this shield I hold in front of my face. You're a guy, they are all. The same but different. Maybe just friendly. I'm so fucked I don't even know anymore. Take
a chance, risk it all for one shy moment. It's glory. It's an oxymoron that keeps me smiling. Day in and day out I'm happy but sad. And I can't break what I feel, I can't change the pattern that has become my life. I just want to break free but be held captive. I need what I want and I want what I don't have and when I have it I no longer want it so it's no longer needed. I wish I understood him, I wish I understood myself. Back under the rock I go, to wait for another day. When's it my turn?

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